This...is Dominic. Dominic wor---
Yeah yeah yeah. They know all that! Alright, I'm sorry. I don't usually do this, but somethin' just came to me last week. Ya know, about that whole Solid Snake story that I was telling ya about. You know, the bloke whose parents were killed by this psychotic killer, did all these horrible things to his parents' bodies, and that's why he has to carry the box around all the time? ...He's a fucking clone! He doesn't have any parents! Yeah, I can look up Wikipedia, guy! Your story makes no sense!
So, the other week, I'm sittin' there; I'm tending bar, when lo and behold, who walks by? Solid Snake. So, I literally jump over the counter and I run up to him.
He was walkin' out into the parking lot, and I said, "Oi! What's this bullshit about you having dead parents?"
And he said, "I...do have dead parents."
And I said, "Bullcrap! You were cloned! You're a frigging clone! I-I-I know the story! Why'd you lie about that?"
And he said, "You don't understand. Me and the box, uh, we have this strong connection."
And I said, "I know exactly what this is. You like your box. You can't explain why. It's some sort of childish connection that you made up some bullcrap story for it!"
Then, all of a sudden, the box started talking.
And he said, "Hey! Lay off my guy. Me and him, we have a special bond."
Then I look at Snake and I say, "Did that fucking box just talk to me?"
And Snake looked down at the box and he said, "We don't have to do anything to him, box. We don't have to do a thing!"
And I said, "What are you talking about, doing a thing? It's just a box! He's not going to do anything."
All of a sudden, the box whips out a gun! I throw my hands up like nobody's business, and the box continues to talk to me!
He says, "Solid Snake is taking me places, and you ain't gonna get in the way of it!"
...The box is alive! The box is holding a gun at me, and he's alive!
Then, just out of the corner of my eyes, I saw a woman calling 911. I...don't know how she told them that a box was holding a gun, but somehow she got the idea across!
The box looks at Snake and he says, "Nuke her!"
And sure enough, he got out a grenade and he blew her to kingdom come!
And Solid Snake looks down at the box and says, "Okay, we killed the woman. We don't have to kill the bartender!"
And the box says, "Yes we do."
He pointed the gun in my face and he said, "Say goodbye, Brit-y."
And I thought, "Oh, uh, I never considered myself pretty, but--- Oh my God, I'm gonna die!"
Suddenly, the police came in, and they shot the gun out of the box's....side of the box. But that didn't stop him! The box literally leaped onto the policeman's head and started eating his face!
The box has teeth! This fucking box has teeth!
One policeman came in and he started punching the box in the face, but, unfortunately, he was sort of punching the cop in the face as well. You see, it's very thin. It's cardboard.
Finally, the cop managed to get the box off, and they shot a couple of rounds in it, and it laid down, bleeding.
Boxes can bleed. Okay, okay, you get my point.
And Solid Snake leans down, and he looks at the box.
The box looks right up at him and says, "I thought we had something, Snake. I thought we had something."
And tears then rolled down Solid Snake's face I had never seen before. That's a tough, tough kid there, and he's crying over a box. You see, I guess the box was trying to ride Solid Snake's shirttails into fame and forture.
Granted, I don't know how many famous boxes there are. None are coming to mind, but the one that can hold a gun and eat people's faces, surely that's gotta get somebody's attention.
But I guess that wasn't enough. The box died right there in the middle of the parking lot for everybody to see. A few days later, I heard they buried the box. They...placed him in a much bigger box, I'm assuming. And the only one to shed a tear was Solid Snake.
I have no idea what him and that box went through. I guess it must have been something...really dramatic. Something that brought them close together. But that's one of those mysteries we'll just never know. ...I suppose I could just ask him, but his box pointed a gun at me and tried to kill me. I'm... I'm gonna keep my distance. Some things are just better left unresolved. For me at least.
You see a lot of strange things as a bartender. You see a lot of strange things at the Pixel Palace. So, I see a lot of strange things as a bartender at the Pixel Palace. And that ain't no lie. That really ain't no lie! Swear to it.
|Transcripts for Video Game Confessions|
|2009:||MarioVGC · SonicVGC · SheikVGC · SamusVGC· PacmanVGC· LaraVGC· ConventionsVGC|
|2010:||DonkeyKongVGC · Duke NukemVGC · FoxMcCloudVGC· SnakeVGC · Snake Follow Up · Chell from Portal · Bonk|
|2011:||PrincessDaisyVGC · AngryBirdsVGC|
|DVD Exclusive:||BlankaVGC · FeliciaVGC · MegamanVGC · Sub-ZeroVGC|