August 12th, 2014
Cue NC opening before we fade to NC at his desk.
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Remember the movie Toy Story? About a little space man doll... (picture of Buzz Lightyear)
NC (vo): ...who thought he was a real space man? Well, what if that toy was (dramatic music fades in as the camera slowly zooms in) violent, psychotic, devoid of fun, and would stop at nothing until everything he deemed a threat was massacred (Buzz's eyes turn red) and/or totally destroyed?
NC: It'd be awesome! But, instead, we got Small Soldiers.
Clips from the trailer of Small Soldiers play.
NC (vo): Joe Dante, director of such hits as Gremlins (Shows the poster), and... (Shows posters of Gremlins 2: The New Batch, Innerspace, Explorers, Matinee, and Looney Tunes: Back in Action) ...actually, nothing else financially successful...
NC: Well, that's depressing!
NC (vo): ...returns to little creatures causing a riot throughout the town, except this time, it's with toys! This was also one of the earliest films from then newcomer studio, DreamWorks. (shows the logo of the studio, then posters from Antz, A Bug's Life, Shark Tale, and Finding Nemo) And seeing how they have the habit of uglifying recent Disney hits, it only made sense to give Toy Story a shot. While by no means god-awful, it does make you wonder how its still creative idea from a creative director could get lost in a relatively forgettable script. I mean, I remember the (clips from the Burger King commercial promoting Small Soldiers and the Rodeo Burger) Burger King ad more than I remember the movie it was based on!
Major Chip Hazard is being taken away by two MP guards in the commercial.
MP Guard: That Rodeo Burger. It was pretty tasty, huh?
Chip Hazard: You can't handle the Rodeo Burger!
NC: BTW, DELICIOUS! So, let's watch the film that couldn't live up to its fast food product. This is Small Soldiers!
The film's opening credits are shown.
NC (vo): If you want an idea of how unfocused this movie is, just take a look at how confused even the logo appears to be.
The two plastic characters in the logo start to move and look at the screen.
NC (vo): (as Archer and Chip) What? (as Archer) We supposed to look threatening or something? (as Chip) What are we doing? (as Archer and Chip) Aaah! (the logo shuts off like a TV)
NC (vo): We open up with a business called GloboTech, who spends most of its time making the same commentary RoboCop made, except for the Happy Meal demographic.
Female Announcer: Introducing advanced battlefield technology into consumer products for the whole family!
NC (vo): So while military weapon maker, acted by Denis Leary, is playing entrepreneur owning a variety of companies, which, of course, naturally includes a toy making industry! Oh, don't look so shocked, I remember when Donald Trump tried to take over Mattel.
Cut to a Trump-owned Barbie doll.
NC (vo): Pull the string! She talks! (sound of string being pulled in a toy)
Trump Barbie: (in the most deadpan Donald Trump impression imaginable) You're fabulous.
NC (vo): But toy creators, played by David Cross and Jay Mohr, aren't meeting the new president's big plans.
Gil Mars (Leary): Can they really do that?
Larry Benson (Mohr): Do what?
Gil: The thing where he punches his way out of the box?
Gil: You know what I'm sick of? I'm sick of commercials that shows 4X4 Trucks popping up in the top of Mount Rushmore, and parking on top of Abraham Lincoln's head. Okay? I'm sick of shampoo commercials--
NC (vo): Okay, is there just a way we can combine all the Denis Leary rants into one so we can save on time?
Gil: I'm sick of commercials that shows 4x4 trucks popping up in the top of Mount Rushmore.
Cuts to a clip from Judgment Night.
Fallon: Jerks like you--you just sail through life, read about people I hate in the newspaper. Guys like you keep checking our pants....
Cuts to a clip from Demolition Man.
Edgar Friendly: I want to smoke a Cuban cigar the size of Cincinnati in the non-smoking section. I want to run through the streets naked with green Jell-O all over my body...
Cuts to a clip from an episode of Rescue Me.
Tommy Gavin: I hate pulp. I hate all pulp. I hate orange juice pulp, that stupid British band named Pulp. Pulp Fiction. Quentin Tarantino, what's with that goddamn head, by the way?
NC: Great! We can just put him under "actors who have been replaced by gimmick so we don't have to pay them anymore" pile! Look! He's right under Seth MacFarlane!
Peter Griffin (audio from Family Guy): You think that's bad...
NC (vo): So the president wants the toys to be alive, active, and violent, which I imagine would be doable for a guy who's dressed like (shows picture of...) Spike Spiegel.
Ms. Kegel: Mr. Mars expects the product to be ready for shipment in three months.
NC (vo): That's right. You only have three months to create life. Come on! It only took two days to make (Shows picture of) GigaPets. And even faster to wish they were dead!
NC: Come on, we all killed ours at some point.
Cut to the Critic shooting at an off screen GigaPet near his garage.
Ms. Kegel: These are your security cards, and these are your individual secret passwords. Please take a moment to memorize them now.
Irwin Wayfair: Mine's "Gizmo".
NC (vo, as Larry Benson): Mine's "In-joke."
NC (vo): So, as the credits roll, we can't help but automatically look over our Joe Dante checklist. (Checkboxes with words start appearing onscreen, and each one is checked off with a 'ding' sound effect.) Rustic old town that looks like the '50s? Check. Whimsical Jerry Goldsmith score? Check. Dick Miller as a blue collar worker still unable to squint his eyes open? Check.
NC: Don't worry, kids; there's plenty more on the way!
Kids offscreen: (deadpan) Yay.
NC (vo): And speaking of which, he comes across our normal good-looking boy, who, for some reason, will still be an outcast: (Checkbox with words "Normal Good Looking Boy Who for some Reason is still an Outcast" appears onscreen and is checked off) a high school boy named Alan.
NC gets out a water spritzer and sprays water at the Raptor, making him go away quickly.
NC (vo): He's excited because he sees the new action toys, but knows his father, who owns a toy shop, won't want to sell anything violent.
Alan Abernathy (Gregory Smith): You know, just sort of lend 'em to me. You got plenty in the truck. I'll pay you back after I sell 'em, and this place will have made a little money for once.
Joe: One whole set. I'll, uh, lose the paperwork someplace. This better not come back and bite me on the ass.
Alan: It won't.
NC (vo, as Joe): Nice doing business with you, 12-year-old boy! I just gotta drop by Little Susie's Raggedy Ann drug ring. That shit sells fast!
NC (vo): Fortunately, somebody already has interest in the toys: Timmy (Jacob Smith), and his older sister Christy, played by an older-than Interview with the Vampire-but-not-old-enough-to-be-considered-hot-yet Kirsten Dunst.
Timmy Fimple: Hey, Major Chip Hazard; he's the one!
Christy Fimple: How much are these?
Alan: A lot.
Christy: There's no way Mom and Dad are gonna buy you one of these!
Timmy: Yes, they will.
NC (vo, as Christy): Didn't you hear? It's "a lot" dollars!
Alan: Look, I'll find it and hold it until tomorrow.
NC (vo): He promises to hold on to it for her and then goes home to his room surrounded in--wait, let me look at the checklist--old sci-fi nostalgia? (Checkbox with said word appears and is checked off)
NC: You could make a bingo game out of this guy!
Alan turns on his computer, before something in his backpack starts moving. A mechanical whirring noise can also be heard.
NC (vo): Oh, my God, he left the vibrator on. Look, I know it's PG-13, but younger kids might be watching-- (Alan opens his backpack, revealing Archer) Oh, it's just a toy.
NC: Unless they're designed like-- no-no-no-no-no.
Archer: Greetings. I am Archer, emissary of the Gorgonites.
NC (vo): By the way, that's Frank Langella as the leader of the Gorgonites because, you know, (an image of Langella as Skeletor from He-Man and the Masters of the Universe appears) the last time he played an action figure, it worked out so well in his favor.
Archer: What is your name?
Alan: I'm Alan, now shut up.
Archer: Greetings, Alan-now-shut-up.
Alan: What did you say?
NC (vo, as Archer): I'm saying that when the Gorgonites do it, it's not illegal.
NC (vo): His enemy is Chip Hazard, played by Tommy Lee Jones, getting his team riled up by lighting their glowing crotches of power.
Chip Hazard: Our mission: destroy the Gorgonite enemy, defeat him.
Soldiers: Yes, sir!
Chip Hazard: There will be no mercy.
NC (vo): The real funny thing is that in the--
NC: (slaps desk) Well, I guess I had to say it--"Toy Story"...
NC (vo): The Gorgonites are designed to be the bad guys, and the Commandos designed to be the heroes... but listen to how these things talk!
Archer: If Gorgon is not in that window, is it in this one?
Slamfist: Don't worry, Archer; we was hiding.
Archer: Even if you can't see something, it doesn't mean it isn't there.
NC (vo; sarcastically): Sounds like a fucking killer to me! And I get the idea, "don't judge a book by its cover", "appearances are deceiving" -- heck, even the toymaker said he wanted the Gorgonites to be the good guys, but the point stands: They changed it so that the aliens would be the villains. So, from a marketing standpoint, would you ever guess that this soft-spoken, kind-eyed, fluffy-eared puppy dog was ever supposed to be the bad guy? Sometimes, appearances gotta make a little bit more sense.
We cut to a skit, showing a Queen Elsa-ripoff played by Tamara.
Lady Lovembrace (played by Tamara Chambers): Greetings, friends; I am Lady Lovembrace, your terrifying villain for the evening.
Then a character that looks like a villain (Doug) comes out of nowhere. He wears a black motorcycle jacket, has black paint in his eyes, has a wild black wig, and is holding a machine gun.
Devil Boner (played by Doug Walker): And I'm DEVIL BONER, your obvious hero here to save the day!
Lady Lovembrace: Oh, dear! My twittering birds of evil are no match for your machine gun of peace!
Devil Boner: Yeah, whatever; blow up or something. (Lady Lovembrace explodes) PUT ME ON A CEREAL BOX! (Lady Lovembrace's head falls down to the ground hard as Devil Boner smiles to the camera)
The next morning, Alan discovers his toy store is in disarray.
NC (vo): But the next morning, the toys have escaped and completely trashed the place.
Alan: I am in so much trouble.
NC (vo, as Alan): I knew I shouldn't have fed them after midnight. (Normal) But thankfully, Christy comes by to pick up the toys and sees Alan's predicament.
Christy: Are you pulling some kind of insurance scam? (Alan scoffs) I heard your parents had to move here because you got kicked out of ten different schools.
Alan: I did not! It was two.
Christy: Only two? (walks closer to Alan) So...
NC (vo, as Christy): The music's indicating we should have a moment.
Christy: ...you need some help?
NC (vo): They clean up the place, but half the annoying parents from Transformers comes in to be, well, half the annoying parents from Transformers.
Stuart Abernathy (Kevin Dunn): Then how do you explain this?
Alan: I--I was dusting it and it fell over.
Stuart: Oh, you were dusting with--what, a croquet mallet?
NC (impersonating Stuart): Do I have to have your Mom make a masturbation joke? Don't force me to have your Mom make a masturbation joke!
NC (vo): To make things worse, Alan also finds out that Christy has a boyfriend.
Brad: Christy, what happened? I thought you were coming by practice today.
Christy: Sorry, Brad; something else came up.
NC (vo, as Brad): Hi, I'm good-looking you. I only have three lines in the whole movie, but you can just assume I'm a douche.
Brad: C'mon; you can cheer me on. (Christy sits behind Brad on his motorcycle)
NC (vo, as Christy): Don't worry, Alan; if there's anything these movies teach us, it's that pity dating always wins!
Chip Hazard: Prepare to fire the Bazooka... Fire!
Brick Bazooka is catapulted from a slingshot and fires a string to Alan's bike's water bottle before being dragged on the street by it.
NC: Well, (slaps desk) we might as well start this up: The Scenes Clearly Ripping Off Toy Story. (Said words with Toy Story logo displayed onscreen)
NC (vo): We already got the toys who thought they were real (shows and compares clips of Buzz Lightyear in Toy Story and Chip Hazard in Small Soldiers), now how about the dog chasing the toy trying to hold on to something moving on the road? (shows and compares clips of Buzz Lightyear, being chased by Scud, on a small toy RC car with a rocket in Toy Story and Brick Bazooka, also being chased by a dog, being dragged on the road in Small Soldiers).
Brick Bazooka is caught by one of the bike's wheels and is thrown to the pavement in pieces as sparks fly out of him.
NC (vo): And, to top it all off...
Chip Hazard: It's a small world after all.
NC: Now, I don't think they technically said that in Toy Story, but it's Disney; I'm sure they snuck it in somewhere.
NC (vo): Meanwhile, Globotech is busy pushing their new line.
One of the female workers: Excuse me. (pushes Irwin out of the way)
A Chip Hazard mascot walks through the door.
NC: (reacts in shock) J-J-J-JESUS!
Irwin is scared by the Chip Hazard mascot.
NC (vo): Thank God the Rodeo Burger ad didn't have THAT in it!
NC (vo, as Announcer): (Burger King logo appears) Burger King. (BK King appears to the left of screen while the following said words appear onscreen) We're fucking scary!
Irwin: These micro-processing chips--what do they do and where'd you get 'em from? (sees information of GloboTech X1000 microprocessor on computer screen) They were designed for the Department of Defense!
You put munitions chips in toys?
NC (vo): They figure out the chips put in those toys were actually munitions chips, which belonged to a division, of course, headed by Joe Dante checkoff number six: Robert Picardo. (checkbox with said name appears onscreen and is checked off)
Ralph Quist: Worked out better than you dreamed, didn't they?
Larry: Actually, there was a little bit of a problem.
Ralph: And it's with your software?
Irwin: Uh--I--I don't think there's a problem with the software, Ralph.
Ralph: (turns around) Oh, you don't?
NC (vo): He's always so good at saving a mundane product you could just start every performance with (as the Doctor from Star Trek: Voyager) "Please state the cinematic emergency."
Ralph: Imagine a microchip. (moves closer to Irwin as he backs up) Imagine it can be used to instantly upgrade any system, THEN imagine it can learn.
Irwin: Wh--what are you talking about? Artificial intelligence?
Ralph: No, actual intelligence.
NC: From an artificial life-for--wait.
NC (vo): But the Commandos have a plan to capture Archer in Alan's home.
Archer opens a door, only to find one of Chip Hazard shining a light on him; Archer, affected by the light, yells as he is blinded by it.
NC (vo, as Gizmo from Gremlins): BRIGHT LIGHT! BRIGHT LIGHT!
Soldiers: (tackling Archer) Hold him down!
NC (vo): And this, of course, brings us to Joe Dante checkoff number seven: Everything in the kitchen being a big scary weapon. (checkbox with said words appears and is checked off)
As Alan approaches the kitchen sink, Nick Nitro suddenly comes out carrying a small saw and cuts the side of Alan's hand.
Nick Nitro: Surrender, Gorgonite ally! (he lights a match, only to be grabbed by Alan) You just met your match.
Alan: (blows match out) Oh, yeah? (puts Nitro in garbage disposal and activates it before sparks come out of him)
NC (vo): HOLY CRAP, KID! I mean, I understand defending yourself, but he had a tiny kitchen drill and a match! Did he really deserve such a harsh punishment?
Cut to a toy cop played by Malcolm malfunctioning in a kitchen.
Toy Cop: (moving and speaking in robotic fashion) Back off, creep, or I'll get you with my mini handcuffs--my mini handcuffs--my mini handcuffs--
Devil Boner: (enters the screen) DEVILLLLL BONERRRRR! (toy cop explodes) I'M CHILD-FRIENDLY! (Smiles to the camera again and blinks his eyes once)
Stuart: (comes out with a baseball bat) Come out--! (Alan turns around) Alan, what the hell is going on here?
NC (vo, as Stuart): I'm so angry I'm ready NOT to believe you, no matter what you say!
Alan: It's these toys, th-- it's like they're alive; look! (grabs Archer and looks at it) C'mon, Archer, back me up here. Say something!
A frog croak from the cartoon "One Froggy Evening" is inserted as Archer says and does nothing.
Alan: Talk to me!
Irene Abernathy (Ann Magnuson): Alan, Alan, please. I need to ask you this: are you on crank?
NC (imitating Stuart): Dah--see what your mother does when you lie? It wasn't a masturbation joke, but it was pretty close!
NC (vo): So, yeah, if you're wondering why the toy didn't talk earlier, get a load of this.
Alan: Why didn't you say anything?!
Archer: (rewinds and speaks in Alan's voice) Shut up! Don't talk to me! Not a word!
Alan: Wise guy.
NC (vo): Uh--okay. Well--why the fuck didn't he say something when the kid told him to say something?
NC (vo, as Archer): I must adhere to the lazy writing that conquered all nineties children's films.
NC: Oh, you mean like the annoying comedic sidekick -- (Insaniac is seen spinning from a garbage bin) GODDAMN IT!
Insaniac: Great to be back, but, seriously, what a dump! (stops spinning) Hey-hey!
Insaniac: (laughs) OK, hey, what are you--a kid or an oil painting?
NC (vo): (laughs) Hey, it's Steve Buscemi if he mixed meth with Red Bull!
Alan: (spots mechanical eye, known as Ocula) Hey...
Archer: It's the Gorgonites.
NC (vo): Oh, by the way-- (green arrow points to a Gizmo keychain in the trash bin) YES, you made Gremlins! Please stop reinforcing the idea that this movie is just Gremlins if they were toys!
NC: I mean--(slaps desk) are we gonna have a scene where the goofy characters do goofy things that don't, in any way, evolve the plot, but they're gonna show it anyway 'cause the kids always seem to like it? Why didn't he cut to it yet? You know it's coming.
Insaniac: (spins globe) Quick impression for you: Jimmy Cagney! (gets on top of globe and frantically runs on top of it) "Top of the world, Ma!" (laughing maniacally)
Slamfist: (watching TV with Ocula) It looks so real, don't it?
Insaniac is shown flung from the globe to the top of a bookcase, laughing maniacally all the time before falling into a clothes hamper.
NC (vo): Yeah, I'm sure this one was already checked off (checkbox with the words "Goofy Things doing Goofy Things" is shown and, of course, is already checked off) as you knew it was going to be in the movie even before it started. While we're at it--hello, toys watching ironic TV! (shows and compares clips of Buzz Lightyear in Toy Story and Ocula in Small Soldiers both watching TV)
Alan: There's nothing in windows. There's--stuff outside them.
Archer: What stuff?
Alan: You know, outside. Trees. Christy's house.
Slamfist: And beyond that?
Alan: The mall.
Archer: And beyond that?
Alan: That's the highway.
Punch-It: And beyond that?
Alan: About a million acres of farm.
Archer: And what's beyond that?
NC: SHUT UP!!! What, are you working your way to a song?!
NC (vo): The Commandos figure out that Alan is attracted to Christy, so they manage to make their way into her home and plan on kidnapping her. They begin with her brother.
While Timmy is holding Kip Killigan in his hand, he is jumped by the rest of the Commandos. Christy is seen opening the closet door to find Timmy, bound with handkerchief in mouth, before throwing a pile of clothes on him and closing the door.
NC (vo): Hmm, typical sibling response. Before she makes it upstairs, the Commandos decide to recruit her-- (shots of "Gwendy" dolls are shown) very bizarre Barbie collection... including Spartan Barbie, Yodeling Barbie, and-- (green arrow points to) "50 Shades of Grey" Barbie?
Brick Bazooka: I request a three-day pass, sir.
Chip Hazard: Denied! (Bazooka hangs his head and groans)
NC (vo): Okay-- not that the existence of these Barbies isn't awesomely awesome but there are some pretty strange and specific outfits in here, especially (green arrow points to) that one! I mean, why would anyone have such strange and peculiar--
NC: D'oh, I'm sure I'm reading too deep into it. I mean, I'm sure this isn't anyone's weird, perverted fantasy--
We cut to a "mad laboratory"-like scene where the Gwendy dolls, now without outfits, are having what looks like microchips put on them... much to NC's shock. We then see six Gwendy dolls on a vibrating device while Brick Bazooka is seen laughing evilly. "Communication Breakdown" by Led Zeppelin is playing in the background of those scenes.
Gwendy Doll: Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.
Cut back to the six Gwendy dolls--one of them without a head--before we see a group of them, wearing nothing but what looks like lingerie with camo patterns. All of them have stitches from their "makeover", and some of them have sharp objects attached to their limbs. One of them is wearing a cowboy hat.
Gwendy Doll: Let's do something fun!
NC: (in shock, whispers slowly as said text appears onscreen by syllable) FET - ISH - MO - VIE.
NC (vo): What the hell, Joe Dante? Are we gonna have to add (checkbox with following said words appears and is checked off) Sexually Confused Arousal Therapy to the list? This is pretty fucked up! I mean--okay, I can understand ripping them apart and putting the chips in; I get it. It's what you gotta do to control the toys and everything, but... WHY THE HELL aren't their clothes put back on? No, really, I want a reason for that! WHY THE HELL aren't their clothes put back on? There's no reason for these things to be walking around practically naked with nothing on! In fact, it actually would've looked funnier if there were all those strange-looking deformed Barbies in these weird outfits as well... but instead, it just comes across as-- uncomfortably creepy.
Clip of six Gwendy dolls--again, one of them without a head--is shown with creepy "Gwendy" laughter in the background.
NC: I'm sorry; I need a minute. I-- I gotta research what the hell is wrong with this guy! (gets out cell phone to look up information on Joe Dante) We'll be back in a moment.
We go to a commercial break. When we come back from the commercial break, we see NC, who's still looking for information on his phone.
NC: Wow, apparently there is an exact term for it. Apparently it's called "Justification Experimentation Serving Unusual Sexuality", or in abbreviated terms... "J.E.S.U.S."!! (big yellow "J.E.S.U.S." appears onscreen)
NC (vo): Christy gets tangled up in this kinky insanity, so the boyfriend tries to come in and save her.
The Gwendy dolls jump all over Brad. "Communication Breakdown" by Led Zeppelin is again heard in the background.
Gwendy Dolls: Such nice, broad shoulders. Do you work out? What's your sign, big boy?
NC (vo): Isn't it funny that even though they had a Spartan soldier, an Egyptian queen, and an astronaut, they still all talk like dumb valley girls from the '50s?
Gwendy Dolls: That haircut is so five minutes ago. Are you dumping me? (Brad is seen trying to shake the dolls off of him)
NC: (imitating Gwendy Doll) Like, oh, my god, this is totally Sparta!
Chip Hazard: You! Maggot! An officer and a gentleman does not strike a lady.
Butch Meathook, carrying a makeshift flamethrower, sets Brad's pant leg on fire. this causes Brad to run out of the room and tumble down the stairs.
NC (vo): Yes, you just open up their breasts, strip them naked, and force them to be your mindless sex minions.
NC: Seriously, J.E.S.U.S.!! (big yellow "J.E.S.U.S." appears onscreen)
Chip Hazard: Are you scared? We're all scared. You'd have to be crazy not to be scared.
Cut back to NC in confusion and Christy looking at Chip.
Led Zeppelin: ♫ It's always the same! / Always the same! ♫ (music stops)
NC: OK, what the hell kind of movie did this become? I mean, I thought this was like "oh, no, stop the toys; oh, they're so cute, ha-ha-ha!" No, this is serious fuck-ass-shit-ass-fuck!
NC (vo): Was nobody getting creeped out while they were filming this?! Did nobody ever question how fucking bizarre this scene was?!
Kirsten Dunst: (played by Tamara Chambers) Excuse me, Assistant Director?
Assistant Director: (played by Malcolm Ray) Yes, 16-year-old Kirsten Dunst?
Kirsten Dunst: I just want to clarify; in this family film about toys coming to life...
Assistant Director: Uh-huh?
Kirsten Dunst: ...I'm to be tied up, a sock stuffed in my mouth, taunted in the dark, and covered by naked, evil, deformed Barbies?
Assistant Director: Uh-huh?
Kirsten Dunst: Is that common in kids' films nowadays?
Assistant Director: Look, (takes off glasses) just do as the director says before his other eye starts twitching.
Both Kirsten and the Assistant Director look at Joe Dante (played by Jim Jarosz).
Assistant Director: (clears throat) OK, ready to start rolling, Mr. Dante?
Joe Dante: Rolling?
NC (vo): They send a ransom video to Alan and threaten to kill her off if they don't hand over the Gorgonites. But Alan has a plan to--in keeping with the theme of the movie--rip off Toy Story to get inside! (shows and compares clip of Buzz Lightyear and Woody rocketing to the sky in Toy Story and Archer rocketing and parachuting to the chimney of Christy's house in Small Soldiers)
NC (vo, as Archer): To plagiarize and beyond!
Alan gets to Christy's bedroom. Christy's muffled screams and calls for help can be heard.
Alan: You all right?
Archer cuts Christy's bindings. Christy yelps as she rips the tape off her mouth before a couple Gwendy dolls are seen hopping onto Alan.
Gwendy Dolls: Will you take me to the prom? (all laughing as Alan falls to the floor with more Gwendy dolls hopping onto him) You've been a bad boy, and now... you must be punished!
NC: (begins to whisper slowly) FET--(stops himself) you know. (only "FET" appears onscreen)
Christy is seen swinging her baton in anger at the Gwendy dolls.
Gwendy Doll: She's got a baton! I broke a nail.
Christy: I ALWAYS hated these things!
NC: ...Then, why the hell do you collect them? (motions a "huh?" gesture at the camera)
Christy: You rescued me! (kisses Alan)
Christy kisses Alan again.
NC (vo, as Alan): Uh-- didn't you have a boyfriend? (as Christy) Yeah, but he ran away after being set on fire. (scoffs) What a wimp!
A hole in Christy's garage door is blown up.
Christy: I'll get the bike!
Christy spots Link Static on his bike and hits him with her golf club with a laugh. "War" by Edwin Starr is heard in the background.
NC (vo): Uh--okay, you're kidnapped, then you're saving. You're afraid, then you're laughing. You have a girly room with a peace poster, but a solid black Led Zeppelin poster right next to it. Can you just pick an identity?
NC: Like Alan, who got kicked out of two schools and yet does absolutely nothing that would cause trou-ble... Be like him!
NC (vo): So they have a great big chase; they finally outsmart them and the Commandos blow up in a fiery explosion... finally bringing this plastic mess to a close.
Christy: They're toast.
The Commandos are heard groaning in agonizing pain.
NC: And that was Small Soldiers, and let me tell you: It's got some big problems.
NC (vo): While it was bad, I do have to give it credit that it was at least a short mov... (the movie isn't actually over yet) ...Wait, why aren't the clips I obviously stole from the trailer playing? Wait a minute-- the Chip character somehow still survived and is building another army?
NC: (surprised) How much longer is this movie?
NC (vo): (big yellow text "30 Minutes" appears onscreen) 30 minutes?! We have 30 minutes left to go?!
NC: What else do you have to do? Show Frodo going to the Great Havens?
NC (vo; sighs): No, apparently, the kids have to explain to their parents how, of course, the toys were alive. One of those parents, played by Phil Hartman.*
- Note: This was Hartman's final role in a major film before his death. The film is dedicated to his memory. For some reason, the Critic never mentions it and misses a major opportunity to make another "Elephant in the Room" joke.
Phil Fimple: Don't worry, honey. We'll get you the best deprogrammer money can buy.
Phil: He says that toy is alive just because it can move a little? What's next, the blue fairy drops by with a talking cricket--?
NC: Oh, great, now they're stealing from A.I.
NC (vo): They finally see that the dolls are alive and even get a visit from the toymakers. But Chip gets a whole truckload of other soldiers, and apparently not even one of them being another Chip doll--
NC: Because, you know, that'd be funny!
NC (vo): --and they attack the house.
One of Chip's new soldiers fires a machine gun at the house. Fireballs are thrown inside the house, but Alan's mom Irene fires them outside with a tennis racket and hits the soldiers on the lawn.
Chip's new soldiers: Frag 'em all! Great balls of fire! Incoming! I'm hit! More shells! Run 'em down!
NC: You know what's funny? For all the action, drama, and suspense that's supposed to be going on here, all I can think about is how much I really want a Rodeo Burger! (cuts to Burger King Rodeo Burger commercial) I mean, it was amazing! It was onion rings; it was barbecue sauce; it was cheese. (onscreen) I heard they put it back on the menu; seriously, check it out!
Chip Hazard: (from Burger King commercial) It was flame-broiled and delicious!
Back to the movie as a lamp explodes, stunning Alan's dad Stuart and Christy's dad Phil.
Larry: They're not shielded against an electromagnetic pulse. A nuclear blast would wipe them out!
NC (vo): They figure out an idea about jamming the electric transformer magnetic science-ty fuck and decide to put it into motion. And if you have any doubt that this movie was tired and has no new ideas whatsoever, listen to these lines. Literally, every single one of them is a cliche. It's kind of amazing!
Stuart: You're not going out there!
Cut to clip from Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan.
Bones: You're not going in there.
Back to Small Soldiers.
Alan: There's no time!
Cut to clip from an episode of The Simpsons.
Milhouse: There's no time!
Back to Small Soldiers.
Stuart: It's too dangerous!
Cut to clip from an episode of Person of Interest.
Harold Finch: It's too dangerous.
Back to Small Soldiers.
Alan: There's no other way!
Cut to clip from The Secret of NIMH.
The Great Owl: There is no other way.
Back to Small Soldiers.
Alan: You have to trust me.
Cut to clip from The Matrix.
Trinity: You have to trust me.
NC: Wait! We have some more lines to cut and paste! "Are you mad?" "It looks like this is it!" Random Denis Leary rant!
Cut to clip from an episode of Rescue Me.
Tommy Gavin: ...orange juice pulp, that stupid British band named Pulp...
Back to Small Soldiers as Archer fires an arrow up to the top of the electricity pole.
NC (vo): So Archer goes into the...
Cut to clip from an episode of Archer.
Sterling Archer: DANGER ZONE!
NC: You were all waiting for it; I caved in.
NC (vo): ...and gives Alan time to activate this science-y thingy.
Have I got a shock for you.
Alan: (grabs Chip Hazard in anger) You STUPID TOY! (Jams Chip into transformer and it explodes, knocking Alan off the pole before he falls into the bush below.)
NC (vo): That's your badass finishing line, huh? "You stupid toy"? There was no other scorchers you could've thought up at that moment?
NC: (pretending to talk to Chip Hazard) "I don't like you!" Or, "You stupey-head!" Or... "NYAAAH!" (pretends to jam Chip into transformer)
NC (vo): So Alan's about to get axed, but Christy comes in to save the day.
Christy: (as Alan gets on back of lawnmower) Is this gonna be a pattern for our relationship?
Alan: (confused) Relationship?
NC: Yeah, well, two kisses would've thrown me off, too.
The scene cuts to the next morning, after the EMP wave has shut down the Commandos.
NC (vo): The next morning, Leary comes in to patch things up and the Gorgonites manage to get away without anybody noticing.
Alan: Are you sure you guys want to do this?
Archer: Yes, Alan.
Alan: You know, you might not find Gorgon. It may not even--
Archer: (interrupts Alan) Alan... even if you can't see something, it doesn't mean it isn't there.
NC (vo, as Archer): We must sail to Toy Valhalla, where we will hunt the mighty squirrel along the banks of the great creek!
Alan lets the boat of Gorgonites float down the river.
NC (vo): And what's the finishing line this movie goes out on?
NC: I don't know; we steal one from every popular movie in existence. Let's just steal from Titanic.
Slamfist: I hope we don't hit an iceberg.
The movie ends.
NC: High note. You went out on a high note. Or was it an incredibly dated and lame note? Either way, it's not very good.
Clips from the trailer play as NC offers closing summary.
NC (vo): It's not the worst or anything; it just seems like it's a little... confused. Does it want to be a kids' film with an edge or an adult film with a child-like innocence? We don't know, and I don't think the film does either. Nothing really stands out about it because it's clear what it's trying to be like: Toy Story, Gremlins, every other status-quo kids film at the time. And because of this, it's just kind of boring in standard... except for a few choice scenes. J.E.S.U.S.! Bottom line: it's probably not best to take something marketed as innocent and cute and make it torturous and scary. And you can bet, there's nobody that's gonna put me through a similar experience like this ever again.
NC: I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. (leaves desk)
Cut to NC's bedroom.
NC: (exhales) Nothing like resting after a review that's clearly over with no ironic twist concerning the comments that I've made at the very end.
NC then goes to sleep, before dramatic action music begins and it is revealed that Hyper Fangirl (Tamara Chambers) is watching him with glasses on and a sinister look on her face while holding a DVD of "The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement" (thus foreshadowing NC's next review). NC is unaware of her presence and his "tempting fate".
NC: Nothing like it at all.
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Gwendy Doll: You've been a bad boy.