Sleepwalkers

Sleepwalkers
Aired	October 2, 2018
Running Time	33:06
Previous Review	Grading Cartoon Show Intros
Next Review	Top 11 Stephen King Movies
Link	http://channelawesome.com/sleepwalkers-nostalgia-critic/

(The Channel Awesome logo is displayed. Then the Nostalgia-Ween 2018 title is shown. This year, it's a parody of the intro for the Beetlejuice TV series, with NC as Beetlejuice. It opens with a shot of a skeleton of the NC as a spider crawls through his nose)

Tamara: (in the background) Nostalgia-Ween... (NC's eyes open) Nostalgia-Ween... NOSTALGIA-WEEN!!

(Cut to a shot of a graveyard where NC is supposedly buried, as a bolt of lightning strikes the grave. Cackling, NC emerges from the grave)

NC: IT'S SHOWTIME!

(The satellite from the CA logo emits a lightning which strikes in a Wookie treehouse from the Star Wars Holiday Special. The cartoon Tamara, who is dressed like Lydia looks up in fear. The camera goes through several corridors, including: one with the pictures of Mr. Cherrywood and Dr. Applecheek, the Castle Grayskull, Bill standing next to a door, the elevator from Devil, the AskThatGuy logo on a tree from The Nightmare Before Christmas, the Angry Video Game Nerd on a couch, the Big Lipped Alligator head, Chester A. Bum (shouting "Change!"), Teddy Ruxpin, Isaac, the truck from Maximum Overdrive, Casper, a red balloon with eyes, etc. NC unzips his head, and him and Tamara fly towards Chicago. Tamara's outfit changes to one of Hyper Fangirl, NC takes her hand, and they fly in the CA studio. Inside it, we see the "I Donut Donuts" caption, two Pennywises loading up a cannon, Dr. Smith, tap-dancing Shyamalan, Santa Christ, Satan, and the bearded Chart Guy. NC squishes his head to a rectangle, and the lightning strikes into it to reveal the title "NostalgiaWeen". NC and Hyper Fangirl land on the ground, and NC jokingly plays dead with a corn in his hands. After we are shown the creator and the composer, we fade to NC in his usual spot, wearing his Nostalgia-Ween jacket)

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. To quote Jack Skellington...

(Cut to a clip of The Nightmare Before Christmas)

Jack: Confound it all, I love it, though.

NC: It takes a King of Halloween to introduce another King of Halloween. (gyrating excitedly) IT'S STEPHEN KING TIME!!!

(To the sound of children cheering, we are treated to a shot of a shrugging Stephen King, whose head bobs left and right, while the words "Stephen King Time!" pops up. Cut to shots of some Stephen King novels, like "Gerald's Game" and "Dolores Claiborne")

NC (vo): He's given us great story after great story...

(Cut to a montage of movie adaptations of Stephen King novels, such as IT, The Tommyknockers and Maximum Overdrive)

NC (vo): ...and great hilarity after great hilarity. The bad Stephen King films in many series have been a highlight every NostalgiaWeen, and this year, we're starting right off with it.

NC: (chuckles excitedly) And, by God, do we have a good one for you! I am legit giddy, I can't even contain my giddiness! I'm actually holding my giddiness over there!

(Cuts to NC as his giddiness being held in chains by Malcolm and Tamara while he laughs and bounces up and down excitingly)

NC: This might be the funniest Stephen King movie ever! Funnier than...

NC (vo): ...Maximum Overdrive, funnier than The Tommyknockers, maybe even funnier than IT, which has Tim Curry as a clown. That is an accomplishment!

NC: Ladies and gentlemen... (inhales; quietly) Sleepwalkers.

(Cut to the title and clips from the movie)

NC (vo): Released in 1992, Sleepwalkers got panned by critics and barely turned in a profit, but the impact it left on people who did see it will last for eons. Because it wasn't exactly a monster hit when it came out, it's on the verge of being lost to obscurity.

NC: We cannot let this happen!

NC (vo): Show it in theaters, show it at rental stores, show it at your childrens' birthdays, first to the one you don't like and then to the one you really don't like! Sleepwalkers must live again!

NC: So, with my giddiness ready to burst...

(Cut back to the NC's giddiness screaming so excitingly it literally bursts, covering Malcolm and Tamara in blood, and then cut back to NC shielding himself from the blood splatters)

Tamara: Can't you write one year where we're not covered in blood?!

NC: If I did, I know I'd be doing something wrong. This is Sleepwalkers!

(NC's giddiness reappears, screaming and bursting once again, covering Malcolm and Tamara in more blood while NC looks at the camera satisfied. The two of them walk away)

Tamara: Is it Christmas yet?

Malcolm: (whispering) Why? He's just gonna cover us in more blood.

(The movie starts with showing the fictional definition of the word "sleepwalker" from Chillicoathe Encyclopaedia of Arcane Knowledge (1st Edition): "Nomadic shapeshifting creatures with human and feline origins. Vulnerable to the deadly scratch of the cat, the sleepwalker feeds upon the lifeforce of virginal human females. Probable source of the vampire legend")

NC (vo): The film opens with a definition.

NC: God, I love it when the dictionary writes the movie for you.

NC (vo): Christ, shapeshifting felines-vampires? (A clip from the classic Disney short "Sleepy Time Donald" is shown) Remember when it was just a funny thing Donald Duck did?

(Suddenly, the claw marks are left on the definition, and it burns like it was written on a paper)

NC: Oh, no. The film's trying to destroy itself before it even starts!

NC (vo): Either that, or they're upping the terror with the Bonanza homage. (The famous "map burning" clip from the intro for Bonanza is shown) Trust me...

NC: ...by the time this movie's over, that could be valid!

(We cut to the police inspecting the house of the Brodie family, where they were murdered, with Sheriff Ira Stevens (Jim Haynie) and Lieutenant Jenkins (Mark Hamill) approaching several dead cat bodies hanging on the wires from the roof)

NC (vo): We get a...unique crime scene, to say the least.

Stevens: Somebody sure doesn't like cats.

NC: (smiling) This is the first shot!

NC (vo): The film's opening scene is Luke Skywalker examining (picture of...) Alf's all-you-can-eat buffet! As far as I'm concerned, this movie can do no wrong, apart from forgetting to time-travel to get H. Jon Benjamin to say...

(A clip from the animated show Archer is shown, with the titular character saying...)

Sterling Archer: That's, like, meowschwitz in there.

NC: I'm totally on board for this ride!

(Stevens and Jenkins slowly enter the house and hear somebody howling)

Jenkins: What the hell was that?

NC: Well, in most horror movies, this will be a fake-out with a cat.

NC (vo): But is that a little too predictable at this point? I can't say it'd be more of a letdown if it did or didn't do that.

(Sure enough, when Stevens opens the door to the closet, a cat jumps out of it, meows and runs away)

NC: Okay, I'd be disappointed either way.

NC (vo): At least, they have a little extra, though.

(A female scream is heard, and a shriveled body appears out of nowhere, falling into the floor, startling Stevens and Jenkins)

NC (vo; as Stevens): Damn catapulting bodies yelling hours after they're dead!

Stevens: It's a little girl.

NC (vo): They find it's the corpse of a kid carrying a rose in her hair.

Stevens: A rose.

NC: (as Stevens) You know, fun fact: I let the director know I didn't think my character would say "Rose". It was too cynical and bitter for someone who was still optimistic... (waves off) Ah, never mind.

(The purple letters that read "Steven King's" appear on a black background, and three claw marks appear, glowing green. The screen then turns to green, revealing the movie's title. A roar is heard)

NC (vo): Even the title's a clue for the kind of movie you're about to see.

NC: Don't you just want...

(A caption "The Secret of the Ooze" slides below the title)

NC (vo): ..."the Secret of the Ooze" written under it? This better have a Vanilla Ice rap!

(As the opening credits start rolling, we are shown several images and photos related to cats, starting with Egyptian hieroglyphs)

NC (vo): It doesn't help either that the credits give us some pretty hilarious pictures to follow.

(One of the photos shows a woman with a cheetah body embracing a naked man)

NC: Yeah, cast your vote: (This picture and a shot from Monty Python's Flying Circus with a human head on a chicken body appear on NC's sides) terrifying or Monty Python cartoon?

(An image of a book about shapeshifters is followed, showing how they feed off the lifeforce of women)

NC (vo): This one looks like somebody erased a dick that a kid drew in eariler. Everything about this looks the opening to Catwoman. That's not a flattering comparison!

(Cut to a clip from this movie)

Ophelia: Male academia. (chuckles)

(A credit "Written by Stephen King" fades in)

NC: You know, they really should clarify that. Is this Shawshank Redemption Stephen King or Maximum Overdrive Stephen King?

(The caption "Maximum Overdrive" appears above King's name with a ding)

NC: (shakes fists, grinning) I'm excited!

(We cut to a house which yard looks abandoned)

NC (vo): We fade in on... (The caption denoting the location, which is Travis, Indiana, appears below) AAAAAAHH!!

NC: Sorry. I have that reaction whenever a King story isn't set in Maine.

NC (vo): We fade in on Indiana...

NC: ...the anti-Maine, if you will...

(A shirtless young man named Charles (Brian Krause) looks over a list of girls studying in the high school he attends. On his hand, he carves the first letter of one girl's name: the letter "T")

NC (vo): ...where a man named Charles, played by Brian Krause, is busy rubbing a plastic knife on his arm with blood coming out the top, like most growing boys.

(This girl is Tanya Robertson (Mädchen Amick))

Charles: Tanya.

NC (vo; as Charles): I forgot how to spell your the rest of your name, so I'll just output "T".

(Now fully dressed, Charles goes down to speak with a woman named Mary (Alice Krige), who's looking out the window)

NC (vo): He goes downstairs to Mary, played by Alice Krige, who looks out at the increasing number of cats around their house, which she sets traps for.

(One cat almost gets caught into a bear trap)

NC: (chuckles, then looks around nervously) That actually looked like a real trap. How many cats did they go through on this shoot?

(Charles and Mary dim the lights and have a dance together)

NC (vo): Charles and Mary dance through the house while discussing their romantic future together.

Mary: Going anywhere tonight?

Charles: To the movies, maybe. Actually, there's a girl that works there. Jealous? (They kiss)

(We cut to already clean Malcolm and Tamara sitting on the couch, smiling eagerly)

Malcolm: Ooh, things are getting interesting.

Tamara: Yeah, I didn't know that Stephen King wrote such steamy scenes early on.

NC: Oh, yes.

NC (vo): The way they caress each other's bodies...

Malcolm and Tamara: Mmmmm...

NC (vo): The sounds their lips make when they interlock...

Malcolm and Tamara: Mmmmmmm...

NC: The fact that they're mother and son...

Malcolm and Tamara: (instantly squicked out) D'OOOOH!

NC: The way they cuddle in their little-

Tamara: Did you just say "mother and son"?!

NC: Yeah, but that's not important.

(Charles picks up Mary and goes to the bedroom upstairs)

NC (vo): The way they look into each other's eyes and-

Malcolm: That is nasty as shit!

Tamara: Yeah, I don't need to see any erotic thriller from Norman Bates.

NC: (scoffs) Would it make any difference if I told you there was a 15-year difference between them?

(Beat)

Malcolm and Tamara: NO!

NC: Well, if you're going against...

(One poster for the movie is shown with an exerpt from review of the Cinema Showcase critic Jim Whaley: "Sexy, sleek and horrifyingly scary")

NC (vo): ...what one critic called sexy and sleek...

NC: ...I don't know what to think of you anymore.

Malcolm: The feeling is very mutual.

Tamara: Hey, what's with the scene...

(A purple light starts glowing in the bedroom window when we're shown the outside of the Brady house)

Tamara (vo): ...where they're walking into the bedroom and a purple light shines out the window?

NC: Well, I just assume there's so much incest in their family...

NC (vo): ...that their jizz naturally glowed purple.

Malcolm: I'm on levels of uncomfortable I didn't know existed.

NC: Look, if you just read King's original story, you'll see how much better he explained it.

Tamara: There is no original story.

NC: What?

Tamara: This started off as a screenplay. There wasn't a book or anything.

(NC looks shocked and confused)

Malcolm: Yeah, you don't have to pretend that there's a better version out there that you're never gonna read. This is what he wrote.

NC: (throws his hands) Oh, thank God! Yeah, this is ewwie!

Tamara: Super ewwie.

NC: Majorly ewwie!

Malcolm: Now, if it were his sister, (chuckles) that'd be different... (notices the awkward stares of Tamara and NC) ...because that would be really ewwie- I need a therapist.

(We are shown Tanya herself, who is working as a usher in a now empty movie theater)

NC (vo): At a local movie theater, one of the custodians named Tanya is rocking to the 90s hit...

(The song Tanya is dancing to is The Contours' "Do You Love Me")

NC (vo): ..."Do You Love Me", as Charles walks in on her.

(Charles shows up in front of Tanya. She yelps and backs away, knocking over bags full of popcorn that are on the popcorn machine)

NC: I never did figure out...

NC (vo): ...why we left popcorn up there. (A green arrow points to a counter with a caption "How could she grab it from behind the counter?") I can reach it and people can steal it.

NC: Oh, well, how about we get some Slush?

NC (vo): Like that muddy snow you find under the car? Please enjoy as the health inspector will be closing us down soon.

Charles: (recieving a popcorn from Tanya) Thanks. I'll see you in class.

Tanya: Welcome to Travis.

Charles: Thanks a lot. (leaves)

NC (vo; as Charles): I'll celebrate by being the only good-looking guy alone at a theater to watch a movie nobody's seeing.

NC: Suspicions! You can use them!

(We are next shown Charles and Tanya going to their school the next day)

NC (vo): So the next day at school...yeah, school, because both of them are totally teenagers, guys!... (The IMDb pages of Krause and Amick appear, followed by the actors' ages at the time of the movie's release: 23 and 22 respectively) Let's do some birthday searching on this...totally teenagers, guys! ...They go to class with other twenty-somethings, taught by Glenn Shadix.

Isaac: CORN! (Images of corn flash below him) Yes, corn. Mmm-hmm. Pretty tasty.

NC: Has she totally forgotten the details of this documentary? (Poster for Cats Don't Dance appears)