October 2, 2018
(The Channel Awesome logo is displayed. Then the Nostalgia-Ween 2018 title is shown. This year, it's a parody of the intro for the Beetlejuice TV series, with NC as Beetlejuice. It opens with a shot of a skeleton of the NC as a spider crawls through his nose.)
Tamara: (in the background) Nostalgia-Ween... (NC's eyes open) Nostalgia-Ween... NOSTALGIA-WEEN!!
(Cut to a shot of a graveyard where NC is supposedly buried, as a bolt of lightning strikes the grave. Cackling, NC emerges from the grave.)
NC: IT'S SHOWTIME!
(The satellite from the CA logo emits a lightning which strikes into the "decapitated gingerbread cookie" map from The Christmas Tree and onto a Wookie treehouse from the Star Wars Holiday Special. The cartoon Tamara, who is dressed like Lydia Deetz, looks up in fear. The camera goes through several corridors: one with the pictures of Kritken (the intro's animator), Mr. Cherrywood and Dr. Applecheek, a fireplace in the shape of Tommy Wiseau (complete with a football on the mantle), the Castle Grayskull, Bill standing next to a door, the elevator from Devil (with toast facing jelly-side down), the AskThatGuy logo on a tree from The Nightmare Before Christmas, the Angry Video Game Nerd scared off a couch, the Big Lipped Alligator head, Chester A. Bum (shouting "Change!"), Teddy Ruxpin, Isaac, the truck from Maximum Overdrive, the titular creature from Leprechaun, Casper, the creatures from The Langoliers, and a red balloon with eyes. NC unzips his head, and him and Tamara fly towards Chicago. Tamara's outfit changes to one of Hyper Fangirl, NC takes her hand, and they fly in the CA studio. Inside it, we see the "I Donut Donuts" caption, two Pennywises loading up a cannon, Dr. Smith, tap-dancing Shyamalan, Santa Christ, Satan, and Chart Guy #1. NC squishes his head to a rectangle, and the lightning strikes into it to reveal the title "NostalgiaWeen". NC and Hyper Fangirl land on the ground, and NC jokingly plays dead with a corn in his hands. After this, we are shown the creator and the composer. We fade to NC in his usual spot, wearing his Nostalgia-Ween jacket.)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. To quote Jack Skellington...
(Cut to a clip of The Nightmare Before Christmas.)
Jack: Confound it all, I love it, though.
NC: It takes a King of Halloween to introduce another King of Halloween. (gyrating excitedly) IT'S STEPHEN KING TIME!!!
(To the sound of children cheering, we are treated to a shot of a shrugging Stephen King, whose head bobs left and right, while the words "Stephen King Time!" pops up. Cut to shots of some Stephen King novels, like "Gerald's Game" and "Dolores Claiborne".)
NC (vo): He's given us great story after great story...
NC (vo): ...and great hilarity after great hilarity. The bad Stephen King films in many series have been a highlight every Nostalgia-Ween, and this year, we're starting right off with it.
NC: (chuckles excitedly) And, by God, do we have a good one for you! I am legit giddy, I can't even contain my giddiness! I'm actually holding my giddiness over there!
(Cuts to NC as his giddiness being held in chains by Malcolm and Tamara while he laughs and bounces up and down excitingly)
NC: This might be the funniest Stephen King movie ever! Funnier than...
NC (vo): ...Maximum Overdrive, funnier than The Tommyknockers, maybe even funnier than IT, which has Tim Curry as a clown. That is an accomplishment!
NC: Ladies and gentlemen... (inhales; quietly) Sleepwalkers.
(Cut to the title and clips from the movie)
NC (vo): Released in 1992, Sleepwalkers got panned by critics and barely turned in a profit, but the impact it left on people who did see it will last for eons. Because it wasn't exactly a monster hit when it came out, it's on the verge of being lost to obscurity.
NC: We cannot let this happen!
NC (vo): Show it in theaters, show it at rental stores, show it at your childrens' birthdays, first to the one you don't like and then to the one you really don't like! Sleepwalkers must live again!
NC: So, with my giddiness ready to burst...
(Cut back to the NC's giddiness screaming so excitingly it literally bursts, covering Malcolm and Tamara in blood, and then cut back to NC shielding himself from the blood splatters)
Tamara: Can't you write one year where we're not covered in blood?!
NC: If I did, I know I'd be doing something wrong. This is Sleepwalkers!
(NC's giddiness reappears, screaming and bursting once again, covering Malcolm and Tamara in more blood while NC looks at the camera satisfied. The two of them walk away)
Tamara: Is it Christmas yet?
Malcolm: (whispering) Why? He's just gonna cover us in more blood.
(The movie starts with showing the fictional definition of the word "sleepwalker" from Chillicoathe Encyclopaedia of Arcane Knowledge (1st Edition): "Nomadic shapeshifting creatures with human and feline origins. Vulnerable to the deadly scratch of the cat, the sleepwalker feeds upon the lifeforce of virginal human females. Probable source of the vampire legend")
NC (vo): The film opens with a definition.
NC: God, I love it when the dictionary writes the movie for you.
NC (vo): Christ, shapeshifting felines-vampires? (A clip from the classic Disney short "Sleepy Time Donald" is shown) Remember when it was just a funny thing Donald Duck did?
(Suddenly, the claw marks are left on the definition, and it burns like it was written on a paper)
NC: Oh, no. The film's trying to destroy itself before it even starts!
NC (vo): Either that, or they're upping the terror with the Bonanza homage. (The famous "map burning" clip from the intro for Bonanza is shown) Trust me...
NC: ...by the time this movie's over, that could be valid!
(We cut to the police inspecting the house of the Brodie family in Bodega Bay, California, where they were murdered, with the Animal Control officer (Ernie Lively) and Lieutenant Jenkins (Mark Hamill) approaching several dead cat bodies hanging on the wires from the roof)
NC (vo): We get a...unique crime scene, to say the least.
Officer: Somebody sure doesn't like cats.
NC: (smiling) This is the first shot!
NC (vo): The film's opening scene is Luke Skywalker examining (picture of...) Alf's all-you-can-eat buffet! As far as I'm concerned, this movie can do no wrong, apart from forgetting to time-travel to get H. Jon Benjamin to say...
(A clip from the animated show Archer is shown, with the titular character saying...)
Sterling Archer: That's, like, meowschwitz in there.
NC: I'm totally on board for this ride!
(The officer and Jenkins slowly enter the house and hear somebody howling)
Jenkins: What the hell was that?
NC: Well, in most horror movies, this will be a fake-out with a cat.
NC (vo): But is that a little too predictable at this point? I can't say it'd be more of a letdown if it did or didn't do that.
(Sure enough, when the officer opens the door to the closet, a cat jumps out of it, meows and runs away)
NC: Okay, I'd be disappointed either way.
NC (vo): At least, they have a little extra, though.
(A female scream is heard, and a shriveled body appears out of nowhere, falling into the floor, startling the officer and Jenkins)
NC (vo; as the officer): Damn catapulting bodies yelling hours after they're dead!
Officer: It's a little girl.
NC (vo): They find it's the corpse of a kid carrying a rose in her hair.
Officer: A rose.
NC: (as the officer) You know, fun fact: I let the director know I didn't think my character would say "Rose". It was too cynical and bitter for someone who was still optimistic... (waves off) Ah, never mind.
(The purple letters that read "Stephen King's" appear on a black background, and three claw marks appear, glowing green. The screen then turns to green, revealing the movie's title. A roar is heard)
NC (vo): Even the title's a clue for the kind of movie you're about to see.
NC: Don't you just want...
(A caption "The Secret of the Ooze" slides below the title)
NC (vo): ..."the Secret of the Ooze" written under it? This better have a Vanilla Ice rap!
(As the opening credits start rolling, we are shown several images and photos related to cats, starting with Egyptian hieroglyphs)
NC (vo): It doesn't help either that the credits give us some pretty hilarious pictures to follow.
(One of the photos shows a woman with a cheetah body embracing a naked man)
NC: Yeah, cast your vote: (This picture and a shot from Monty Python's Flying Circus with a human head on a chicken body appear on NC's sides) terrifying or Monty Python cartoon?
(An image of a book about shapeshifters is followed, showing how they feed off the lifeforce of women)
(Cut to a clip from this movie)
Ophelia: Male academia. (chuckles)
(A credit "Written by Stephen King" fades in)
NC: You know, they really should clarify that. Is this Shawshank Redemption Stephen King or Maximum Overdrive Stephen King?
(The caption "Maximum Overdrive" appears above King's name with a ding)
NC: (shakes fists, grinning) I'm excited!
(We cut to a house which yard looks abandoned)
NC (vo): We fade in on... (The caption denoting the location, which is Travis, Indiana, appears below) AAAAAAHH!!
NC: Sorry. I have that reaction whenever a King story isn't set in Maine.
NC (vo): We fade in on Indiana...
NC: ...the anti-Maine, if you will...
(A shirtless young man named Charles (Brian Krause) looks over a list of girls studying in the high school he attends. On his hand, he carves the first letter of one girl's name: the letter "T")
NC (vo): ...where a man named Charles, played by Brian Krause, is busy rubbing a plastic knife on his arm with blood coming out the top, like most growing boys.
(This girl is Tanya Robertson (Mädchen Amick))
NC (vo; as Charles): I forgot how to spell your the rest of your name, so I'll just output "T".
(Now fully dressed, Charles goes down to speak with a woman named Mary (Alice Krige), who's looking out the window)
NC (vo): He goes downstairs to Mary, played by Alice Krige, who looks out at the increasing number of cats around their house, which she sets traps for.
(One cat almost gets caught into a bear trap)
NC: (chuckles, then looks around nervously) That actually looked like a real trap. How many cats did they go through on this shoot?
(Charles and Mary dim the lights and have a dance together)
NC (vo): Charles and Mary dance through the house while discussing their romantic future together.
Mary: Going anywhere tonight?
Charles: To the movies, maybe. Actually, there's a girl that works there. Jealous? (They kiss)
(We cut to already clean Malcolm and Tamara sitting on the couch, smiling eagerly)
Malcolm: Ooh, things are getting interesting.
Tamara: Yeah, I didn't know that Stephen King wrote such steamy scenes early on.
NC: Oh, yes.
NC (vo): The way they caress each other's bodies...
Malcolm and Tamara: Mmmmm...
NC (vo): The sounds their lips make when they interlock...
Malcolm and Tamara: Mmmmmmm...
NC: The fact that they're mother and son...
Malcolm and Tamara: (instantly squicked out) D'OOOOH!
NC: The way they cuddle in their little-
Tamara: Did you just say "mother and son"?!
NC: Yeah, but that's not important.
(Charles picks up Mary and goes to the bedroom upstairs)
NC (vo): The way they look into each other's eyes and-
Malcolm: That is nasty as shit!
Tamara: Yeah, I don't need to see any erotic thriller from Norman Bates.
NC: (scoffs) Would it make any difference if I told you there was a 15-year difference between them?
Malcolm and Tamara: NO!
NC: Well, if you're going against...
(One poster for the movie is shown with an excerpt from review of the Cinema Showcase critic Jim Whaley: "Sexy, sleek and horrifyingly scary")
NC (vo): ...what one critic called sexy and sleek...
NC: ...I don't know what to think of you anymore.
Malcolm: The feeling is very mutual.
Tamara: Hey, what's with the scene...
(A purple light starts glowing in the bedroom window when we're shown the outside of the Brady house)
Tamara (vo): ...where they're walking into the bedroom and a purple light shines out the window?
NC: Well, I just assume there's so much incest in their family...
NC (vo): ...that their jizz naturally glowed purple.
Malcolm: I'm on levels of uncomfortable I didn't know existed.
NC: Look, if you just read King's original story, you'll see how much better he explained it.
Tamara: There is no original story.
Tamara: This started off as a screenplay. There wasn't a book or anything.
(NC looks shocked and confused)
Malcolm: Yeah, you don't have to pretend that there's a better version out there that you're never gonna read. This is what he wrote.
NC: (throws his hands) Oh, thank God! Yeah, this is ewwie!
Tamara: Super ewwie.
NC: Majorly ewwie!
Malcolm: Now, if it were his sister, (chuckles) that'd be different... (notices the awkward stares of Tamara and NC) ...because that would be really ewwie- I need a therapist.
(We are shown Tanya herself, who is working as a usher in a now empty movie theater)
NC (vo): At a local movie theater, one of the custodians named Tanya is rocking to the 90s hit...
(The song Tanya is dancing to is The Contours' "Do You Love Me")
NC (vo): ..."Do You Love Me", as Charles walks in on her.
(Charles shows up in front of Tanya. She yelps and backs away, knocking over bags full of popcorn that are on the popcorn machine)
NC: (as Tanya) I never did figure out...
NC (vo): ...why we left popcorn up there. (A green arrow points to a counter with a caption "How could she grab it from behind the counter?") I can't reach it and people can steal it.
NC: Oh, well, how about we get some Slush?
NC (vo): Like that muddy snow you find under the car? Please enjoy as the health inspector will be closing us down soon.
Charles: (receiving a popcorn from Tanya) Thanks. I'll see you in class.
Tanya: Welcome to Travis.
Charles: Thanks a lot. (leaves)
NC (vo; as Charles): I'll celebrate by being the only good-looking guy alone at a theater to watch a movie nobody's seeing.
NC: Suspicions! You can use them!
(We are next shown Charles and Tanya going to their school the next day)
NC (vo): So the next day at school...yeah, school, because both of them are totally teenagers, guys!... (The IMDb pages of Krause and Amick appear, followed by the actors' ages at the time of the movie's release: 23 and 22 respectively) Let's do some birthday searching on this...totally teenagers, guys! ...They go to class with other twenty-somethings, taught by Glenn Shadix.
(The class' teacher Mr. Fallows notices one of the students, Crawford, flirting with the female classmate sitting next to him, so he slaps his hand with a ruler. Cut to a clip from the movie Beetlejuice)
Delia Deetz: Otho?
(Fallows leans towards Crawford...or, to be specific, towards the camera, startling NC)
Fallows: I suggest that next time, you keep your hands to yourself, Mr. Crawford.
NC: I suggest not shooting a scene like...
NC (vo): ...I'm having missionary sex with (picture of...) Bob from Demolition Man.
Crawford: Yes, sir.
NC (vo): After having their class in the library...
NC: ...Because the classroom would be too obvious...
NC (vo): ...Tanya brings Charles to her house.
(While Charles observes Tanya's room, the latter frantically tries to hide all her underclothes)
NC: (as Tanya) Oh, no! He must not discover I put on underwear!
NC (vo): Christ, she's even breathing heavy at the idea of him finding out.
NC (vo): Where does she think she is, Reefer Madness? Though, Lord knows, I think they smoked a joint or two to say some of this dialogue.
Tanya: My...my favorite picture's over there. (points to a photo hanging on a wall that has pebbles on it) It's that one.
Charles: I like rocks. (They smile at each other)
NC: (nods) Let it be known that one of our most celebrated writers got paid to write the line "I like rocks".
Charles: I like rocks.
NC (vo; as a photo of George Lucas zooms in): Just then, an aging George Lucas watched this film, saying to himself, "I can create dialogue like that. Except instead of "like", it'd be "hate". And instead of "rocks", maybe something smaller." (The photo of a desert is superimposed over Lucas' one) "Like... Like... LIK-"
(Cut to Charles returning home in his convertible. He spots that Mr. Fallows is following him, so he pulls over)
NC (vo): Charles drives home, but is stopped by his teacher, who wants to have a talk with him on the side of the road. Oh, those mid-driving student/teacher talks.
Fallows: Your transcripts are also fakes. Clever fakes, but fakes.
NC (vo): The teacher discovers that Charles lied about where he came from and is blackmailing him for sexual favors.
Fallows: Well, money is not the only medium of exchange.
NC: (as Charles, scoffs) Who do you think you are, my mother?
Tamara: Ugh. I'll be right back. I have to use the restroom.
Malcolm: Uh, me, too, actually.
NC: Oh, you want me to pause it?
Tamara: Honestly, the movie's kinda losing me.
Malcolm: Yeah, it's just creepy adults hitting on teens, and...I don't want to see that.
NC: Oh, come on! Maybe something more "traditionally crazy Stephen King" will happen.
Tamara: I'm not holding my breath.
Malcolm: Yeah, I'll be back. (They get up and leave)
NC: (sighs) All right.
(Charles slams the door on Fallows' hand and disembodies it, with blood splattering on the windshield! After Charles' face turns into a werecat-like one (his natural form), Fallows is scared away into a forest, where Charles devours him. Throughout all of this, NC is super surprised)
NC (vo): Wha...wha-ha?! Wha...wha-ha?! Wha...wha...wha-ha?! Wha-ha?! Wha-ha?! Wha...wha-ha?! Wha...?!
NC: Where the hell did all of this come from?! That was, like, two or three totally insane things, all at once!
NC (vo): Oh, Go...I love how matter-of-fact the teacher is about all this! Not only does he nonchalantly say he's sorry while running away from a monster while missing his hand...
Fallows: I'm sorry!
NC (vo): But when Charles offers his his hand back to him, he's like, "Well, thank you. I think I deserved that...wait, that's my hand!"
NC: Oh, and...
NC (vo): ...also turning into Lion-O...
NC: ...that was kinda weird!
(The segment of Charles eating Fallows in the forest is shown again)
NC: Oh, my God! This is all too crazy! Cu...cut to something that makes more sense!
(Next, we're shown Deputy Andy Simpson (Dan Martin) in his police car playing with his "attack cat" Clovis, using the yo-yo)
Simpson: Come on, boy, get the bad guy. Get the bad guy! Get the bad guy! Come on, Clovis.
NC: (at a loss for words) Does that cop have a cat in the car? Like, that's a thing?
Simpson: (laughing) All right!
(Simpson spots Charles driving away at high speed and chases him)
NC (vo): What, the canine unit found out this film is too stupid to be in, so they had to settle for the feline unit? What the sweet hell am I watching?!
Simpson: (to Charles) Pull over!
(Charles gasps upon seeing Clovis angrily meowing to him...and his face morphs into multiple monstrous forms for five seconds. This makes NC drop his jaw in bewilderment)
NC: (slams the table, grinning widely) WHAT?!?
(As the scene repeats and then continues into Charles hiding from Simpson and Clovis by turning on the invisibility mode in his convertible, NC can't even catch his breath upon seeing this madness!)
NC (vo): Wha-ha-ha...wha-ha?! Wha...wha-ha-ha?! Wha-ha-ha?! Wha...?! Wha-ha...wha...wha-ha?! Wha...?! Wha-ha-ha...aah-ha-ha?! It's invisible no...wha-ha-ha-ha?!
(Malcolm and Tamara return on the couch)
Tamara: So, what did we miss?
NC: (speaks super fast) He turned into a cat monster and then he ripped off the teacher's hand, and then he got chased by a cowboy and a cat in his car! And then the cat hissed at him, and his face started changing into all these other weird faces, including toddler's face for some reason, and then he pushed a button, and his car disappeared!
(Malcolm and Tamara just stare)
NC: His car disappeared!
Tamara: ...No, really, what did we miss?
NC: I swear to God, that's what happened!
Malcolm: You're telling me that all of this went down right the hell out of nowhere in the past five minutes?
Tamara: Okay, but it still looks like the same...
(Simpsons explains the situation at the local police department)
Tamara (vo): ...lame, boring shit.
Malcolm (vo): Yeah, even what the cop is describing sounds dull.
Simpson: He didn't have no face. A blur. Shit...I don't know.
NC: No, no, it was more interesting than that, and it...is admittedly weird that a great writer couldn't explain that better...
NC (vo): ...and they probably should be focusing more on why a cop has a cat in the car...
NC: ...but I swear, the last five minutes were totally insane!
Tamara: Okay, fine. So it's not just weird adults bonking teens.
NC: I swear!
Tamara: Okay, then.
(All three go back to watching the movie. Mary is shown lying in his son's bed in the evening)
Mary: You'll feed tomorrow. And then you'll feed me, and then we will leave.
(And they...make out for about half a minute. Yeesh. NC slowly glances at Malcolm and Tamara, who look at him in disapproval...and NC reenacts the Michigan J. Frog routine from "One Froggy Evening", dancing in his chair)
NC (vo): So Tanya invites Charles to a photo shoot she's doing in a cemetery.
(The next day, Tanya prepares for her first date with Charles, which will be a picnic at a nearby cemetery, so she tells her parents about it)
Helen (Cindy Pickett): Remember, honey, I want you home by 5:00.
Tanya: Yes, Mommy. I'll be sure to pack extra didies, too.
Donald (Lyman Ward): (not taking eyes off the paper) Nobody loves a smart-ass, Tanya.
NC: (as Donald) I'm just here because Alan Thicke was too expensive.
(At the Sleepwalkers' house, Mary says she's hungry and doesn't want Charles to be together with Tanya)
NC (vo): Charles' mom is upset, though, because she wants him to bring a teenage virgin to dine on, and he's taking too long.
NC: Boy, that's a sentence that doesn't roll off the tongue easy.
Charles: (after he hears a knock on the door, speaking in a slightly annoyed tone) I'll get it. You stay here. I love you, Mom.
NC: Wow, even he couldn't act past how disgusting that sounded.
Charles: I love you, Mom.
NC: (as Brian Krause) You have to pay me double every time we do a take of that.
(Nevertheless, Mary also greets Tanya at the door. Before she and Charles leave, she puts a rose in Tanya's hair)
NC (vo): Tanya shows up, but Charles' mother might be jumping the gun.
Mary: There. It finishes you somehow. (Tanya smiles)
NC: (as Mary, tapping fingers in interest) What are your thoughts about assimilation?
(Charles and Tanya enter the cemetery)
NC (vo): So they make it to the cemetery, where they plan to have a picnic, as well as a fake-out.
(Tanya looks around...and is surprised to see Charles changed his position)
Tanya: Oh! Oh, hold it. (takes a photo of Charles, chuckling)
NC: (as Tanya) You surprised me! (imitates holding a camera) That deserves a picture. (Beat) I wrote Shawshank.
(Tanya continues taking pictures of Charles)
NC (vo; as Tanya): Can you imagine if a whole generation took pictures for no reason? (as Charles) I can't. (as Tanya) It'd be horrifying. (as Charles) Terrible.
Tanya: (raises her eyebrow at Charles) What are you looking at?
NC: (as Charles, smiling) Dinner.
Tanya: Do you really feel alone, like the characters in your story? 'Cause I do.
Tamara: Oh, wow. A super-hot high school girl...
Tamara (vo): ...with tons of friends and literally no problems. She must feel so alone.
Malcolm: Yeah, you said all this crazy shit happened earlier.
NC: It did!
Malcolm: Well, we've been here for 15 minutes since we came back. Where is it?
NC: Look, I know something crazy will happen again, just give it a chance! Look!
(Cut to Deputy Simpson petting Clovis while driving)
NC (vo): There's the cop!
NC: Something exciting has to happen with him!
Simpson: Hey, Clovis, what's up? You catching the nap? (starts singing) Oh, there comes Johnny with his pecker in his hand. He's a one-balled man, and he's off to the rodeo! (Clovis meows)
(NC glances at Malcolm and Tamara slowly turning their heads to him)
NC: (points down) I was stepping on even that.
Tamara: Malcolm, you wanna get some snacks for the snorefest?
Malcolm: Sure. (They get up and leave again)
NC: No, I'm telling you, 15 minutes ago was crazy! It was so crazy! (groans)
(While kissing Tanya on the lips, Charles doesn't waste the opportunity and starts draining her lifeforce)
NC: (annoyed) OH, COME ON!!
Charles: (now with a werecat face again) Tanya, I don't think you're entering into the spirit of this.
(Tanya knocks Charles out with her camera)
NC (vo): Yeah, so it goes catshit insane again. Let's see how they react to all this kookiness.
(Tanya slowly approaches unconscious Charles)
NC (vo; as Tanya): Yeah, I guess I was a little harsh on that homicidal monster. I better make sure my attacker's okay.
Charles: (abruptly recovers) Peek-a-baby! (Tanya screams)
NC: (shakes head) You so deserve to get eaten.
(Panicking, Tanya hits Charles in the eye with a corkscrew)
NC (vo): She stabs him with a wine opener, and he complains about blood being on his shirt.
Charles: Just look at this shirt! My mother's gonna kill me!
NC: So...is this an Eddie Murphy comedy now? Is that him...
NC (vo): ...under all that makeup?
NC: ...Is he playing everybody?
(Deputy Simpson stops near the cemetery, hears Tanya calling for help and lets her in the car)
NC (vo): Even the singing cop comes along, and he takes him out.
(Charles lodges the pencil in Simpson's head and pops up in the car's door, laughing)
NC: (as Charles) You like that?! I'm hoping that's gonna be my catchphrase: "Cop-kebab"! Like, you know, something bad happens, I say, "Cop-kebab!" It's a work in progress.
(Charles drags Tanya out of the car and prepares to feed off her lifeforce again. Against all odds, Simpson manages to get up off the ground)
NC (vo): But a pencil-in-the-brain just slows him down, as he gets back up and tries to shoot Joe Camel.
(Simpson shoots Charles in the back, but that doesn't affect him much)
Charles: I don't believe you fired a warning shot, Officer.
NC: This whole movie feels like a warning shot for any future King-written films.
(Charles takes the gun from Simpson and kills him. Clovis jumps at Charles and starts clawing and biting him in the face and chest)
NC (vo): Thank God that essential police cat was there, as it attacks Charles the same way the rabbit attacks the Knights of the Holy Grail.
NC: You know, a scary movie shouldn't have this many Monty Python comparisons.
(Mortally wounded, Charles stumbles on the way to his convertible and drives away)
NC (vo): The cat messes him up good, and he goes home crying to Mama.
(Tamara and Malcolm return with some food)
NC: Oh, yeah! Sure! Sure! Of course now you come in! Of course now you come in! In a perfect time!
Tamara: Anything exciting happened while we were gone?
NC: Anything exciting happened?
Malcolm: Yeah, anything exciting happened?
NC: Anything exciting happened?!?
Tamara: You're asking you if anything exciting happened.
NC: He turned into the Cowardly Lion again. His eye was taken out with a wine opener, the cat fought him off like a pitbull, and the pencil was put through the cop's brain, coining the phrase "Cop-kebab".
Malcolm: Really? Because it just looks like...
(The entire Travis police force is shown inspecting the scene shortly after)
Malcolm (vo): ...a bunch of cops standing around.
NC: OF COURSE IT DOES! That's how this goddamn movie works!!
NC (vo): A ton of nothing happening, and then suddenly, the dumbest stupidiest shit you can imagine for five minutes!
Tamara: Let me guess. It took place in five minutes.
NC: (holds up four fingers) Four.
Malcolm: We don't have to take this. Come, Tamara. We have more productive things we could be doing.
NC: Do you?
Malcolm: No, we just don't want to be around you. (They leave)
NC: Okay, fine! Be that way! But at least look at this thing on the wing before you go!
(NC turns to his left to see a clip from The Twilight Zone episode "Nightmare at 20,000 Feet", showing the gremlin on the airliner wing in a rain. A la Bob Wilson, NC shudders and looks on with horror to a dramatic music, as we go into a commercial. After returning, we're shown Charles staggering back home. Several cats begin to gather outside and look at the wounded Charles)
NC (vo): So Charles returns home, damaged by the cat. And strangely enough, even with all the cats surrounding his place, none of them ever attack. That really is like a cat, isn't it? The fate of the world depends on them stopping these creatures from getting stronger, and... "Nah. I still don't fetch."
NC: Assholes of nature!
(Mary tends to his son's wounds in front of a crystal ball)
NC (vo): Charles' mom tends to him next to the Spencer's gift ball...
NC: ...Because of course they have that...
NC (vo): ...and she tries to heal his wounds.
Mary: We've got to stay here until you're stronger. Try to make yourself dim.
NC: Oh, I think he's dim enough already.
(Charles tries to make himself invisible, but can't. Meanwhile, several forensic and lab technicians investigate the cemetery, as its caretaker, played by Stephen King himself, watches them)
NC (vo): She's referring to him disappearing, which he can't quite pull off, as, back at the crime scene, we're given arguably the most honest of Stephen King cameos.
Caretaker: I ain't taking the rap on this. It's not my fault.
NC: (as the caretaker) I just wrote the damn thing. The director's the one that made him look like The Lion King!
NC (vo): Speaking of directors, there's weirdly a ton of them in this scene. There's John Landis, Clive Barker, Joe Dante, Tobe Hooper... Oh, I get it! They're looking over this crime scene of a movie to figure out how they can fix it!
NC: Let it go, boys. This wouldn't be nearly as good if it was good.
(Sheriff Ira Stevens (Jim Haynie) and Officer Horace Raeburn (Monty Bane) take the shocked and crying Tanya out of their car)
Stevens: This is Officer Raeburn. He's gonna run you home.
NC (vo; as Stevens): And don't worry, there's no cats in his vehicle at all. He carries a Chihuahua in his car.
NC: (still as Stevens) Me? I like squirrels.
(Horace comes towards Stevens)
NC (vo): Awkward guy at 12 o'clock!
Horace: Do her parents know a class one assault did not occur?
Stevens: You mean, do they know she managed to avoid being raped by the bastard? Yes.
NC: (looks uncomfortable) ...Take the rest of the night off.
(The police car approaches the Sleepwalkers' house, and Mary gets nervous after Charles says he's dying)
NC (vo): The cops get to the home of Charles and his mother, just interrupting this bit of brilliant acting.
Mary: (crying) No. My boy is not going to die! NOT EVER! (smashes the glass of water on the floor and makes herself and Charles invisible)
NC (vo): Yeah, I'd want to disappear after giving that read.
(Stevens comes inside the house with Captain Soames (Ron Perlman), and they inspect the building)
NC (vo): They seem to be invisible in the house, as Officer Ron Perlman comes in to...honestly, be the shittiest cop in an already impressive lineup of shitty cops.
Stevens: I'd like to set up a couple of checkpoints in and out of town.
Soames: The perp's history by now, Ira.
Stevens: What about the cats?
Soames: What about 'em, Ira?
NC: (as Stevens) Look, as someone who already wore shitty cat makeup, (The photo of the main characters from the 1987 series Beauty and the Beast is shown) you make some choices!
Soames: Listen. That little girl needs a good smack on the butt. And if her Mama and Daddy won't do it...I'll happily volunteer.
NC: (goggles in surprise) And here I thought mother/son incest would be the most pervy we got in this movie.
Stevens: Stay away from her, Soames.
NC: He said that like this happened before. What is up with this police force?!
Stevens: Stay away from her, Soames.
NC: (as Soames) There's not a name for what I'm into, but I still wish to explore it.
NC (vo): The cops don't find them there, so they leave, but, as advised, someone stays with Tanya while two other cops stay at the house.
(At the Robertson household, Horace is eating the dinner Helen has cooked)
Horace: This is the best meal I had since my wife passed on.
NC: (as Horace) She was delicious.
(Two officers that are assigned to guard the Sleepwalkers' house hear the door opening and closing)
Officer 1: What was that?
(They come out of the car)
Officer 2: Identify yourself.
Officer 1: Maybe it was the wind.
NC: Okay, every person in every movie ever, please cross the wind...
(A list appears with the captions "Wind" (this is crossed off), "Murderer", "Killer animal", "Aliens" and "Everything else")
NC (vo): ...off your list of suspects! I know you always put it at number one, but at some point, (The popularity of these "suspects" appears on the list, with the wind having zero percent) you have to go by the numbers! Speaking of which, reason number 27 million these are the worst cops ever...
(After the officers turn back, Mary appears behind them, takes both of their heads and breaks their skulls by making them hit each other three times)
NC: My God! They've been nyuck-nyucked to death!
(NC overdubs the scene with imitating the "nyuck-nyuck" sound of Curly from The Three Stooges. Later, the Robertsons and Horace hear the doorbell)
Helen: Who could that be?
Horace: Let me take a peek.
NC (vo; as Donald): Eh, it's probably the wind. (as Helen) Oh, honey, are we expecting wind? (as Donald) Well, the wind does drop by unannounced.
(Donald goes to answer the door and discovers Mary, who severely damages his face. Donald passes out)
NC (vo): It turns out it's Mary, though, who invites herself in.
Horace: You stay away from 'em!
(Mary pushes Horace away)
NC: (as Horace) Oh, no, she pushed me! I'm down!
NC (vo; as Horace): I'm do... She pushed me! I now live on the floor! That's what happens to a cop! We can't get back up, it's, like, eternal at ya! Useless! Use-
NC: (as Horace) She pushed me!
(Cut to a scene with Stephen King cameo)
Caretaker: I ain't taking the rap on this. It's not my fault.
NC (vo): He does eventually find the strength to recover from that push, as he demonstrates his cop skills by being the worst shot ever!
(Horace regains consciousness and shoots at Mary, who already knocked out Helen, but misses several times. Cut to a clip from Dumb and Dumber)
Lloyd Christmas: You're a horrible shot!
(Horace runs out of pistols and flees to the kitchen)
NC (vo): Well, this looks like the time to bravely run away!
NC: I'd probably call Reno 911 before calling these jokers!
(Horace dials the phone number of the police department and calls for help. Mary sneaks up behind his back)
NC (vo): This next scene...
NC: (sighs, smiling) I can't even do it. Just, just...just watch.
Horace: [I think she killed] Don Robertson. (Mary takes the ear of corn from the plate)
Operator: (via phone) Slow down, Horace.
Horace: There's blood everywhere!
(Mary sticks the corn in Horace's back, and this...kills him before he can finish speaking)
Stevens: (via phone) Are you there? Horace?
NC: That's right! Once again, Stephen King tries to make a scary spectacle out of...
(Smash cut to a clip from Children of the Corn review, showing the film's antagonist, Isaac, played by Doug)
Isaac: CORN! (Images of corn flash below him) Yes, corn. Mmm-hmm. Pretty tasty.
NC (vo): Why does Stephen King want to make corn scary?! I... (stammers) What's your deal?!
NC: How embarrassing would that be to have that on your death certificate? (A death certificate is shown with the caption "Death by Corn")
NC (vo): And, come on. After using the "cop-kebab" line, you couldn't go with the incredibly obvious "corn on the cop"? (A picture of a man wearing a shirt appears, but with "Corn on the Cop" written on it) I see T-shirts up this, man! T-shirts!
NC: Will nobody bank on how ridiculous this is?!
(All the cats from Travis start running towards the Sleepwalkers' house. Mary drags the unconscious Tanya away, but is stopped by Soames)
NC (vo): So it's pussies galore, as all the town's cats head towards the house, and, once again, the cops have the most non-caring manner about the horrors in front of them.
Soames: Hold it, right there! Put her down.
NC: Okay, you don't approach a psychopath...
NC (vo): ...dragging a bleeding high-schooler by her hair the same way you tell a kid to put a Jolly Rancher back!
Soames: Put the girl down.
NC: (as Soames) I'm going to count to five. One...
(Mary bites Soames' three fingers off)
NC: (as Soames) ...Okay, make it two.
(Next, Mary breaks Soames' arm and knocks him out with it)
NC: (as Soames) Aw, great. How am I supposed to spank high school girls now?
(Mary takes Soames' gun and fires at the other police cars outside the Robertson household, making them explode. One officer is caught on fire)
NC (vo): From here on out, it just gets crazier and never stops. She blows up two cars with just two bullets, burning this cop. Knowing this department, I wouldn't be shocked if he just lit himself on fire to make it easier on her.
(Tanya wakes up and panics, but that doesn't stop Mary from going to her house...the cats outside also don't stop her)
NC (vo): Once again, the cats do nothing because they're cats, and Mary kidnaps Tanya and takes her to Charles.
(Charles is on the brink of death, and his face is horribly disfigured)
Tanya: Look at him, he's dead!
Mary: NO! He's not dead!
NC: She's actually right.
NC (vo): He was very clearly breathing when she said that.
Tanya: Look at him, he's dead!
NC: (as Tanya) I can tell by the way his stomach goes up and down. Only dead people do that!
(Mary manages to revive Charles, and he dances out with scared Tanya)
NC (vo): So Mary plays his favorite song in honor of him...not being dead. She brings his body back to life...I think. It's not really made that clear; I'm sure the non-existent book explained it better...and she forces them to dance.
NC: (scoffs) Has she totally forgotten the details of this documentary? (Poster for Cats Don't Dance appears)
(Sheriff Stevens arrives and sees Clovis among the crowd of cats outside the house)
NC (vo): But don't worry. The sheriff and the cop's supercat from earlier is here to save the day. No, seriously. I think this cat is from Krypton. Watch!
(Clovis climbs up a tree, breaks the window and jumps on the floor)
NC: (astonished) He broke that friggin' window! How can a cat break a friggin' window?!
NC (vo): Oh, well, I'm sure it's tied to the turtle that's holding the Earth, or the Dark Tower mythos...
NC: Or you have no original source this time and you just had to call it stupid! Ha-ha! Just stupid!
(Cut back to King cameo again)
Caretaker: I ain't taking the rap on this. It's not my fault.
(Charles shows his true form to Tanya and attempts to drain her lifeforce once more, but Tanya plunges her fingers into his eyes, killing him. Shortly after, the pack of cats attacks the angered Mary)
NC (vo): He turns into Mewtwo to try and suck her virginess away so they can live, but Tanya takes out his eye, and...now, suddenly, the cats attack! A pretty goddamn random time, to say the least!
NC: Actually, again, that just kinda makes sense. (A clip of a cat lying on a chair is shown above) A cat'd just sit there doing nothing, and then suddenly be like... (The cat in the clip is scared by something and clings to the back of the chair) "WHAT?! WHAT?! WHAT?!"
(After leading Tanya to his car, Stevens runs into the house as well, armed with his shotgun)
NC (vo): I love how when the sheriff fires at her, he gets Sylvester here, too.
(Just as a remaining cat is left on Mary, Stevens shots her in the chest, also blowing the cat away. The audio clip of Sylvester the cat from Looney Tunes saying his catchphrase "Sufferin' succotash!" is heard. In response to the shot, Mary reveals her from to Stevens)
Stevens: Holy shit! (throws the shotgun away and flees outside)
NC: (as Stevens) Well, uh, no time for a gun. Like our motto says: to serve and...
NC (vo): ...get the hell outta heeeeeere!
(Mary violently pushes Stevens out of her way)
NC (vo): This climax actually gets so funny, you'd swear it was comedically timed. Just watch!
(In slow-motion, Stevens falls to the ground and gets his hand caught in one of Mary's cat traps, screaming)
NC: (smiling) Come on! You were going for a laugh there!
NC (vo): You could put a Tom and Jerry sound effect, and it'd match perfect!
(The moment of Stevens catching his hand in a trap is overdubbed by one of William Hanna's iconic Tom screams. Mary breaks the police car's window to grab Tanya, injuring her in the process)
NC (vo): But who said bear traps on people hurt, as he just gets the hell back up and swings the trap in the back of the monster's head?
(Stevens stands up, frees his hand and throws the trap in the back of Mary's head. Mary lets out a distorted scream...which is actually hard to take seriously)
NC: (trying to stifle his laughter) This movie's gonna make me poop!
(The scene is repeated)
NC (vo; as Tanya): I'm moving to Derry, Maine, where it's nice and quiet!
(Mary impales Stevens on the picket fence. The cats resume attacking her)
NC (vo): The cats once again decide to attack at random and take Mary down.
NC: And... (holds up hands) ...this sentence is really hard to say without laughing...they scratch her so much...
NC (vo): ...she catches fire!
(As said, Mary bursts into flames)
NC: (chuckling) Oh, King. I like your work when it's good...but I friggin' love it when it's bad!
(Guess to what we cut...)
Caretaker: I ain't taking the rap on this.
NC (vo): The cats still look uninterested...come on, your claws set someone ablaze, be impressed by something!...and Tanya hugs the cop's cat who made it out alive.
(In a shock and despair, Tanya takes and embraces Clovis, and they both watch Mary dying in flames)
Tanya: It's just you and me, Clovis. Just you and me.
(The movie ends)
NC: (as Tanya) Yeah. I'm pretty tired for the night. Take the wheel, Clovis.
(As NC imitates Tanya screaming, we cut to a clip from Saturday Night Live sketch "Toonces: The Cat Who Could Drive a Car", first showing the bit with the car falling off a cliff and then the sketch's title)
NC (vo): That's right! This was all a really warped Toonces episode the whole time!
NC: Because, admit it. That's the only way any of this would make sense!
(The clips from the movie are shown again as NC goes to his closing thoughts)
NC (vo): This film is bananas! Absolute bonkers! And I loved every minute of it. Even the slower boring parts, which there's quite a few of in the opening, only add to the spontaneous surprise of insanity that mounts to the climax of madness in the end. This is one of the most awesomely bad Stephen King movies, and it's simply amazing. I love its passion, I love its energy, I love everything about it, even if I have no idea what it was trying to be. It's a masterpiece of epic proportions, and God bless every moment of it.
(NC notices Malcolm and Tamara standing next to him)
NC: Oh, great. You missed the good stuff again. The ending was nothing but Stephen King ridiculousness! Where were you guys?!
Malcolm: Well, we were watching the good Stephen King movies.
NC: (gets confused) Good Stephen King movies?
Tamara: Yeah, the ones that you always say there's a ton of, and then never talked about?
Malcolm: Yeah, we were actually trying to be fair with the years and years you're making fun of his worst adaptations.
NC: Huh. Yeah, I guess I have been pretty douchey to a legit talented guy. All right. I think I'll try this (air quotes) "fair thing" you speak of. (to the camera) Let's start off Nostalgia-Ween right. Next week, I'm gonna count down the Top 11 best Stephen King movie adaptations. And you can help! Just tell me in the comments below which ones are your favorite and you think should be on the list, and I'll try my best to work them in. I'm the Nostalgia Critic, and Nostalgia-Ween has just begun!
(He gets up, laughing madly, and leaves to his right as the lightning strikes and the beginning of Bach's "Toccata and Fugue in D Minor" plays. Cut to...him standing right in front of Malcolm and Tamara)
NC: Seriously, you should see that with me.
(After a pause...NC takes their heads and makes them hit each other. Cut to black, and the credits roll)
Channel Awesome tagline - Charles: Cop-kebab!
Tanya: No! (Charles laughs)