November 30, 2008
Who knew communists were such prudes?
(Open with Linkara sitting on his green futon)
Linkara: The comic book industry can be a highly competitive environment, particularly among The Big Four: Marvel, DC, Image and Dark Horse. However, independent creators have been making comics for years in various formats; one of the most popular formats is the black and white comic. Heck, I myself have an independent comic that I want to- (static) (Linkara is holding a copy of his own independent comic) BUY "REVOLUTION OF THE MASK"! IT'S ONLY 72 CENTS! (static) E-er sorry, ... the camera must have hiccuped. Anyway, the independent comics can be really good, but then there's something like today's subject. As such, let's dig into Sinnamon No. 11.
Linkara (v/o): Ok, let's start with the logo: Why is it that creators feel if that they switch around the letters on a name so that it makes it sound good? "Sinnamon", with an S and two N's.
BECAUSE POOR LITERACY IS COOL.
Visually, the cover is kind of bland; although having being able to rising up like that is kind of cool, but the effect is ruined by the woman in the Vampirella outfit. Is she supposed to be Sinnamon? If that's the case, then at least she's wearing sensible shoes: that's the ticket to a great superhero. Ah screw it, let's move on.
Tagline: "Catfish Comics brings you the exciting eleventh issue of: Sinnamon, the sexiest superheroine of all!"
Linkara (v/o): Well, it's good the creators have there priorities trait with their superheroines. There's a HUGE load of backstory dumped in the introductory paragraph, so I'll give you the CliffNotes. Sinnamon is a woman named Cindy Canyon. Yeah, that doesn't sound like a porn star at all. And she's starting to run low on cash. A place called Golden Valley- so this takes place in Minnesota?- is being terrorized by a maniac known as the Heartbreaker.
Linkara: (holding his phone, weeping) We went out for a few dates, but he never calls! HE NEVER CALLS!!!!
Linkara (v/o): There's also some woman who was terrorized by a gang of thugs, it's never a gang of grannies or something is it, who that was saved by Sinnamon. Said woman, named Amy, told Sinnamon that she and her friends were fans of her no-nonsense approach to crime-fighting. Oh goody, a no-nonsense approach. Hurray for killing and maiming? Reading the credits, it says that this is issue eleven of the third volume of this series. What's worse is that it says it's published quarterly. That means that this comic has been around for at least three years before this issue was printed. Who the hell was a fan of this crap? We open to somewhere in the South Pacific where two French officers are getting ready to do a nuclear test. They mention that they're getting ready to "press the button" and that they've been getting telegrams protesting their nuclear test. As one of the officers pushes the button, the other gasps as he says that one of the telegrams is from Jerry Lewis. Hey, French stereotypes that aren't funny at all. What a great way to open your comic. The button turns out to be for the nuclear test. It's seriously just a big button anyone can press. And there's a fish that's apparently flying around the blast and it says:
Fish: Well, there goes the neighborhood.
Linkara: What the hell? Did Douglas Adams write this?
(Song plays: "So Long and Thanks for All the Fish" from Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy on the same nuclear mushroom cloud, zooming in to the fish)
Linkara (v/o): Meanwhile, a nearby atoll is hit by the nuclear aftershock. This apparently wakes up a demonic woman who bursts out of the ground screaming:
Terror-Dawn: Death to America!
Linkara (v/o): Damn hippies. We cut to a beach in California. A woman is tanning and the narrator comments:
Narration: Someone should tell her it's not healthy to tan... but maybe not yet. (cocky chuckle)
Linkara (v/o): Wow, a lecherous narrator. That's really what the comic-reading public wants. You know what would have improved Watchmen? If we had a lecherous narrator commenting on Silk Spectre. Anyway, the woman who's tanning says:
Tanning woman: Hey! Who's blocking the sun? I don't want to tan unevenly!
Linkara (v/o): How the heck can she tell? The shadow of the demon woman doesn't even cover half of her back and she has her eyes closed. After more complaints about the sun, she looks up and beholds the demon woman.
Terror-Dawn: Hello, America. Terror Dawn is back!
Linkara: Terror-Dawn is back and starting on a triumphant world tour.
Terror-Dawn: I've just flown in from the Mid-Pacific.
Geek: So like, your arms are tired? Heh-heh!
Linkara (v/o): After that non-joke, Terror-Dawn punches the guy out.
Linkara: I think I'm gonna like Terror-Dawn.
Terror-Dawn: Only a sick nation let's women parade about half-naked!
Linkara: Nevermind, I hate her now.
Linkara (v/o): Did the creators even think about what they were saying with this? We have this woman who claims that America is corrupt and indecent, particularly because women at a beach are wearing bathing suits, stop the presses. Yet she herself is wearing clothing that amounts to a bathing suit. After a really unfunny bit where Terror-Dawn attacks a woman, who apparently uses cosmetic surgery, she flies off to attack the nearest city. We cut to downtown Golden Valley where Cindy Canyon is at an employment agency hoping to find work. So Cindy goes into the office with the agent. But before they can even sit down, the agent tells her they won't be taking her on because more qualified people are available. Well, what a wonderful way to operate your business by being rude to the customers. Anyway, there's nothing important about this scene, except for the fact that the woman insults Cindy because of her looks, insinuating that she's a prostitute, and Cindy fires back with an insult about the woman's weight. Yeah, this is really the kind of thing that makes me want to go to my comic book shop every Wednesday. Oh, and for some reason, Cindy's not wearing a bra. We know this since we can clearly see her nipples poking through her blouse.
Linkara: Is she the sexiest superheroine of all because she doesn't believe in proper support? That's not sexy that's stupid.
Linkara (v/o): Cindy walks out to the street only to find Terror-Dawn throwing cars around. She strikes a heroic pose, or rather a pose of her pushing her rear up behind her, and thinks how good it'll be to work out her frustrations. We shift scenes over to a nearby college campus, where there are more women not wearing bras. Three girls confront a rapist named Todd and I've got to admit; thinking of him getting injured is certainly an entertaining thought, but it's ruined by what we get here, upskirt shots of the girls' thong panties.
Linkara: I don't get it. What the hell is it with this comic? Speaking as a feminist myself, I'm not exactly getting a pro-women message here.
Linkara (v/o): I mean, we've got a woman who was made a joke of because she got plastic surgery, women who trade insults with each other over looks, a villain who critiques other women for wearing bikinis at beaches despite wearing one herself, a hero whose outfit is more common in adult films than they are in legitimate superheroes and now panty flashing.
Linkara (v/o): You know, it's clear the creators would have been more than happy just having naked women here doing this. So, if they wanted to make a porno comic, WHY THE HELL DIDN'T THEY JUST MAKE A FREAKING PORNO COMIC?!!
Linkara (v/o): Anyway, the lead woman in the group is Amy from the introductory text. She says that:
Amy: Sinnamon taught me how to handle guys like you.
Linkara (v/o): ... while putting on a pair of brass knuckles with spikes attached to them.
(Linkara decides to plug his own comic again)
Linkara: BUY REVOLUTION OF THE MASK!! IT DOESN'T SUCK LIKE THIS (Sinnamon) DOES!!
Linkara (v/o): Moving on, we cut to "The Facility," what an original and memorable name, where the new boss is settling in. Apparently, the facility is some kind of super human affairs office or something. The boss and the other woman discuss "The Project," what an ominous name, and say that their best chance lies with Cindy Canyon, AKA Sinnamon. The other woman says she spoke with Cindy's parents and that they've given permission for her to be readmitted. Wait a second, Sinnamon is a MINOR?! They've been showing off her nipples through her outfit and she's a freaking minor?! What the hell is wrong with this comic?!! There's a scene where a criminal in prison meets with some talk-show host, but it serves no purpose here and we can skip it. Anyway, we cut back to Super Jailbait and she starts to fight Terror-Dawn. Terror-Dawn keeps bringing up the "capitalist swine of America." Wait a minute!!
Linkara (v/o): (terrified) (gasp) Th-that means that Terror-Dawn is a... (Linkara gaps his jaw as the dramatic sting plays)... a COMMUNIST!! (determined) Alright you scantily clad clearly an adult yet is apparently a minor, you beat up that commie for Old Glory!
Linkara (v/o): Terror-Dawn rips off the scarves that were hanging off of her belt and wraps them around Sinnamon's head. While she tosses Sinnamon into the ground, she gives an abridged version of her Soviet backstory and how she was felled years ago by another American superhero. Sinnamon gets smashed into the ground and Terror-Dawn just keeps wailing on her, knocking her face into the ground and even driving a car into her. (She is actually throwing the car at Sinnamon)
Terror-Dawn: Since you chose to defend your this land of wretched excess, it's only fitting that a symbol of crass commercialism serves as your tombstone! Rest in peace! You were a valiant foe, but you fought for an evil cause!
Linkara: That cause being underage bikini modeling.
Linkara (v/o): Minutes later, Terror-Dawn is at it again, ripping out the sign of a McDonald's analogy.
Terror-Dawn: I hope the idiots inside this restaurant are enjoying their last meals.
Sinnamon: How tacky, offering fast food for a final meal!
(Cut to Linkara on the futon laughing nonchalantly)
Linkara (v/o): Sinnamon returns the earlier car smashing by smashing a van down into Terror-Dawn. She says she'd hit her again with the van, but she doesn't want to kill her. And look at this. Is THIS what you think of when you think tossing away a van? She looks like she's posing for a beachwear catalog. Terror-Dawn starts hallucinating under all the pain inflicted on her that she's meeting Stalin. Oh, and by the way, despite the fact that she's punching Terror-Dawn in different poses and positions, Sinnamon's face never changes expression whatsoever. Heck, her lips don't even move.
(Cut to Linkara staring at the camera; like Sinnamon, his face doesn't change when his dialogue is ADRed.)
Linkara: I guess the creators thought it'd be better to have an entire comic where she spoke telepathically.
(Linkara then smiles)
Linkara (v/o): And so then Mulder and Scully show up with Boris and Natasha a- WAIT A SECOND!!!
(Linkara slowly places the comic down a pulls a baffled look and looks back)
Linakra (v/o): Freaking Mulder and Scully show up with Boris and Natasha!!
Linkara: What? What? What?
Linkara (v/o): You know what? Screw it. Let's just move on. Anyway, despite not calling themselves by those names, it's clearly them, so I'm just going to call them that. Boris and Natasha say that Terror-Dawn is partially the responsibility of the Soviets. So they've come to assist in her capture. Sinnamon asks Scully if she can leave, but then also comments:
Sinnamon: By the way, your partner's kind of foxy.
Scully: Really? I hadn't noticed.
(Get it? Because The X-Files aired on Fox? And it's also the first name of Mulder? Anyway, Linkara glares at the camera)
(Clip from Robot Chicken)
Leonidus: THIS!! ISN'T!! FUNNY!!!
Linkara (v/o): We cut to an epilogue where we see the aforementioned Heartbreaker killing cops. Oh, and it's a completely different artist now, which is really odd since it doesn't seem like the first seventeen pages would have required that much time to draw, thanks to their lack of detail. All that happens here is that he vows to get revenge on the cops. The Heartbreaker himself is apparently just a luchador, which begs one to wonder why they didn't just shoot the guy. Following the main story are a bunch of extras. You know how Watchmen had like newspaper clippings and advertisements and book excerpts to help build up their universe? Well, this is kind of like that, except it's stupid and pointless. Anyway, we also get a backup story giving the origin of Terror-Dawn. Apparently, she was an American girl named Dawn in 1952 who was brought by her boyfriend to a bunch of Soviet spies.
Dawn: That red flag ... You're... You're COMMIES!!
Communist: Yep! Darn tootin' we are!
Linkara: Yeah, because, as we all know, communism was big in the South during the Cold War.
Linkara (v/o): They strap Dawn to a table and use some sort of machine to turn her into a "human engine of destruction."
Dawn: Billy Ray! How can you let them do this? I thought you loved me!
Billy Ray: Believe me, baby, I do! But I love Stalin more!
Linkara (v/o): Then why don't you strap Stalin to the table? That'd be kind of cool. Super Stalin! They plan to do this to as many people as possible and destroy the country within with an army of super-people.
(Clip of Bride of the Monster)
Dr. Vornoff: A race of ATOMIC SUPERMEN, which will CONQUER THE WORLD!!
Linkara (v/o): They transform her into a winged engine of destruction. Also, the transformation apparently also destroyed her clothes. Again, it's not like people were picking this comic up for its plot, so why aren't you just doing porn already. This also apparently destroys the machine even though we don't see it happening. Jeez, this is a pretty destructive little machine here. Stalin was even nice enough to provide a costume for her, which is apparently a pair of jeans, go-go boots, and a Phantom Lady top.
Linkara: DAMN YOU, COMMUNISM!!
Linkara (v/o): We switch to Terror-Dawn attacking a gas station.
Terror-Dawn: This is the lifeblood of modern America! Let's see how far your cars drive now!
Linkara: So, what? Soviets drove Hybrids or something?
Linkara (v/o): The superhero duo of Celestion and Celestial Girl arrive to stop her; though, for some reason, Celestion is wearing Cat-Man's old costume. Some on-lookers scream out for them to defeat Terror-Dawn.
Man: Rip her wings off!
Boy: Rip her clothes off, too!
(Cut to Linkara putting the comic down, banging his hands on his head, and groaning.)
Linkara (v/o): Apparently, Celestion has moral qualms with hitting women, so it falls to Celestial Girl to use an atomic ray gun to shoot her. The ray gun sends Terror-Dawn out into the Pacific Ocean a-a-a-and that's it. That's our story. No explanation for how she got different clothes or how she ended up underneath an island... Hmm?
Linkara: This comic is awful! It's not funny, it's not entertaining, and, while it may fit some people's perceptions of sexy, it certainly doesn't fit mine! There is a feminist message here though. And that message is: THIS ISN'T FEMINIST, SO THROW THIS PIECE OF CRAP AWAY!!
(Linkara throws the comic down and walks off-camera)
Seriously, buy Revolution of the Mask. 72 cents online.