September 27, 2011
Nostalgia Critic: Hello. I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Well, after the smash hit of Double Team...
NC (vo): ...that is, everybody wanted to hit and smash it after they were done watching it, I guess studio executives thought Dennis Rodman was the next big action star.
NC: (brief pause) Ok, let's be honest, he struck out once...
NC (voiceover): ...and they wanted to try it one more time to see if there was any more potential money they could squeeze out of him.
NC: That sad attempt is known as Simon Sez.
(The title card and clips from the movie "Simon Sez" play)
NC (vo): The great tragedy about Rodman is that he's actually not that bad of an actor. Ok, he's no godsend or anything, but when you compare him to the competition (aka Shaq and Michael Jordan), he's the Gregory Peck of basketball acting. But sadly, we kept seeing him in half-baked scripts with half-baked dialogue and probably--let's be honest here--a half-baked Dennis Rodman. And this is one of the fruits of Hollywood's ever-misfiring loins, bringing us the typical over-the-top schlock that goes into such half-assed celebrity vehicles.
NC: It's a tough one to watch but somebody's gotta get through it. So, let's get this over with and ...
Obscurus Lupa: Hey, Critic! You can't possibly review this clunker without me!
NC: Damn it! Why do I always leave the ability to interrupt my reviews open?
Lupa: This movie is a classic disaster. It's like watching an incredibly bloody car wreck: horrible to witness, but also really funny.
NC: (confused) Look. I appreciate the help, but I'm reviewing this alone.
Lupa: Oh, OK. I'll just take off, then.
NC: (surprised) Really?
Lupa: Yeah. Why stick around if you clearly don't want me here?
NC: Wow. I've never had that happen before. Usually, whenever a reviewer interrupts me, they want to do the review with me, I tell them to piss off, and they just stick around, we do the review together. I've never had someone actually listen to me before.
Lupa: Well, maybe you've been hanging with the wrong crowd, Critic. Later. (She gets up to leave)
(Dramatic violin music suddenly plays)
NC: Wow. This...this is a new experience for me. One of the reviewers actually listened to me. I...I don't know how to take this. It-It's kind of overwhelming. Well, I'll tell you right now. This gives me a whole new outlook on life-- (Lupa pushes the screen aside) Ah!
Lupa: So, as the credits roll...
Lupa (vo): ...we see we're in for a bigger schlock-fest than you think.
NC: (Pushes the screen back) Fuckin' hate you!
Lupa: (smiles) I know.
Lupa (vo): You may notice that one of the first things we see in this film is the classic late '90s ploy of spelling the title wrong.
NC (vo): Simon Sezzzzzz? Jesus, what's the point of spelling it that way, anyhow?
90s Kid (played by Linkara): It's because poor literacy is KEWL!!!
Lupa: That it is, '90s Kid.
90s Kid: Dude! Can I be in your crossover?
90s Kid: Oh, come on. I've already got the script written out and everything. (He holds up several pieces of paper and reads from it) "Lupa and 90s Kid start making out." Oh, uh, th-this is my fanfiction. (Lupa rolls her eyes) Oh, here we go. This is the real script. Ahem. "90s Kid and Lupa start making out."
(NC uses a remote to cut him off before returning to the movie)
NC (vo): And you can see we're clearly in for a treat with not only Dennis Rodman being the star, but also co-starring Dane Cook.
Lupa (vo): Truly the meeting of two titans. The two people you can't stand to see in a movie alone together at last.
NC (vo): It's also starring famous stunt actor and fight choreographer... (The name Xiong Xin Xin appears in the credits) this guy! Yeah, I don't know how to pronounce his name, but if you ever get a Scrabble hand with three X's in it, you'll know what to do now.
Lupa (vo): So in Europe, we see a surveillance camera mounted to a robotic fly piloted by our comic relief.
Macro (Ricky Harris): Say, Simon. Why do the European police call themselves Interpol, anyway? Why don't they just say Europol?
Micro (John Pinette): I had a Europol at the doctor's office once. I couldn't sit down for a week.
Lupa: (vo): Wow. Hard to believe that one of the writers on this was the star of "My Boyfriend's Back." (The poster for said movie appears briefly)
NC (vo): Ah, how the low and useless have ... stay exactly where they are. So it turns out an evil colonel of ... whatever, is intercepted by an evil crime boss of ... whatever, in an attempt to get an evil ...
NC: Hmm, twenty bucks says microchip.
Lupa: Twenty bucks says computer disk.
NC: You're on!
(A car chase ensues)
Lupa (Girl's voice): Hey, Joey, you watching?
NC (Uninterested boy's voice): Yeah
Lupa (Girl): You watchin,' Joey?
NC (Boy): Yeah.
Lupa (Girl): Joey. Joey. Joey.
NC: (Boy): Yeah.
Lupa (Girl): You watchin'. Get a load of this. (One of the motorcyclists does a flip over a short stone wall) Whee! Did you see that, Joey?
NC (Boy): Yes, Kimmy.
Lupa (Girl): I totally did that backflip.
NC (Boy): I know, Kimmy.
Lupa (Girl): It was totally pointless, but I totally did that backflip.
NC (Boy): Got it, Kimmy.
Lupa (Girl): Will you date me now?
NC (Boy): NO!
(Back to the review)
NC (vo): So the colonel is cornered by a villain named Ashton, who keeps his kookiness to a minimum now, but trust me, his koo-koo-for-cocoa-puffs moments are right around the corner.
Ashton: You don't call. You don't mail. You don't carry a pigeon. What did I do?
Lupa (vo): So our main character Simon, played of course by Dennis Rodman, intervenes in the most undercover camouflage he can find.
(Simon then rides his motorcycle over a dock to another one)
Lupa (vo): Good to know he's not attracting any attention on his top secret mission.
NC (vo): I know, he's under attack by the bride from "Kill Bill."
NC (voiceover): (as the Colonel) Who are you?
NC (voiceover): (as Simon, who takes off his helmet) I’m Pac-Man.
Simon: Why did you start doing business with arm-dealers, huh? Call me…when you’re ready to talk.
Lupa (voiceover): So Simon goes back to his headquarters, which is the home of—get ready for this—the Cybermonks.
NC (voiceover): Wait a minute, the Cybermonks? As in the Cybermonks from “Double Team” Cybermonks?
Lupa (voiceover): (chuckles) No, these are completely different Cybermonks.
NC (voiceover): (sputters in disbelief) Wha-je-What are the chances of Dennis Rodman being in two high-tech spy films and both of them happen to have the exact same commonplace idea of Cybermonks?
Lupa: Apparently high.
NC: (frowns) You’re apparently high.
Lupa: Hey, you said you wanted to see more Cybermonks.
NC: Yeah, but in “Double Team,” they were kind of cool. Here, they’re…
Micro: We can dance! (He and Macro start to dance in place)
NC: (is uncomfortable of this scene and gestures to not want to view it) No. No, I—stop. Stop, please.
NC (voiceover): Stop! No, it’s not nece—No! Please! No more! No!
Lupa: Let them in, Critic. Let them dissolve into your nightmares.
NC (voiceover): Please stop it! No! It’s…it’s unbearable! Jesus Chri—! I—!
NC: (shields himself) Ohh! Oh! No! Please, God!
(Lupa begins to dance in her chair like Macro and Micro)
NC (voiceover): Stop! Stop! Just stop! Please! Please stop it! No, it’s…
NC: Oh, God, IT’S UNBEARABLE!
(Lupa continues dancing in place)
NC (voiceover): Does your mother know you watch this?
Lupa (voiceover): Okay, so this order of monks isn’t as bad-ass as “Double Team.” In fact, it’s not even an order; there’s really only two of them, but let’s give them some credit. They do make the idea of Dennis Rodman as a secret agent look much more plausible by comparison.
NC (voiceover): Yeah, but teddy bears in a…
(A brief clip of the 1998 film “The Avengers” with secret agents in teddy bear costumes having a board meeting is shown)
NC (voiceover): …board meeting would look more plausible by comparison!
Lupa (voiceover): Well, then, they’ve done their job.
NC (voiceover): Euchh!!
(Back to the movie, Micro and Macro continue to dance)
Macro: [We’re] robot monks, Simon. Look.
Micro: If we weren’t monks, we’d be on the road.
NC (voiceover): So while hanging out at a beach, we see Simon come across his very own personal comic foil, in that you want to wrap him up in foil and put him in the microwave.
Nick Miranda (Dane Cook): Yes! Come on! Don’t you remember? Nick Miranda. (laughs) You believe this, homey? Yes! Come here! Ha-ha!
Lupa (voiceover): Could this be the greatest character of our time?
Nick: Uh, you’re still working for the, uh…(whispers into Simon’s ear) the C.I.A.?
Nick: (laughs) Give your old buddy Nick a hug.
NC (voiceover): God, is this guy for real? I’ve seen nuclear holocausts more funny than this!
(Cut to a quick scene of Nick practicing pulling out a gun from his holster inside his jacket, yet the gun is stuck, and he embarrassingly tries to pull it out)
NC (voiceover): You know, I’m one of the few people who’s indifferent to Dane Cook. I don’t love him, I don’t hate him. But…this is bad. Really bad! I mean, this is like Jar-Jar [Binks] bad!
Nick: (gasps and groans a bit in pain after running) Oh, man, my cardio’s for shit! I gotta get back on the Stairmaster.
Lupa (voiceover): Look at him. He’s so lame, it’s magnificent. He’s got all the charm Dane Cook is ever gonna have, but without the fame to back it up.
NC: You’re enjoying this?
Lupa: What’s not to enjoy? It’s the nirvana of annoyance! I feel privileged to see it! Now, if only he could find some way to fit in his Chewbacca impression.
(A brief clip of Nick doing his horrible Chewbacca impression while walking with Simon is shown before we get the caption “WE HAVE HORRIBLE CHEWBACCA IMPRESSION!” and the “Ode to Joy” chorus in the background)
Lupa: Yes! Yes! You da man, Cook! You da man!
NC: I seriously think you need a lobotomy.
Lupa: Oh, come on. There’s always…
(The clip of Macro and Micro dancing in place is shown quickly)
NC: D’AHH! OKAY, OKAY!
Lupa: (giggles) Monks are funny.
Nick: (to Simon) Come on, hang out with me! It’ll be fun. It’ll take two hours out of your day.
Lupa (voiceover): Yeah, but it’s Dane Cook, so it’ll feel like six.
Simon: All right.
Nick: (grins with energy) Yeah. (He laughs and starts walking off with Simon)
NC (voiceover): But unfortunately, Dane Cook is not just there for a friendly visit. Oh, great, he’s essential to the plot. It turns out he’s there to hand ransom money over for a rich business man’s daughter, and he needs Dennis Rodman to help him out.
Man #1: (is hiding behind a palm tree and speaks with Nick via cell phone) Who’s the tall one next to you?
Nick: He’s gonna make sure everything goes smooth.
NC (voiceover): He’s supposed to hand the money over to these Dick Tracy characters.
Lupa (voiceover): Really? I would have said Saturday Night Live.
NC (voiceover): We’ll compromise and say a Dick Tracy sketch on Saturday Night Live.
Lupa (voiceover): That’s fair.
NC (voiceover): But things go awry as both sides misunderstand one another and start up a fight.
(Simon succeeds in knocking out the dealers before he and Nick run away)
Nick: Oh, shit! Incoming!
(A female fighter jumps in to attack the duo before the pink-colored caption “HERE COMES A NEW CHALLENGER” appears and the music from “Mortal Kombat” plays briefly)
(Simon has fallen on his back and reaches for the suitcase before his wrist gets stepped on by the woman)
Simon: Long time, no see.
The Dancer: Give me the briefcase, and we’ll keep it that way.
Nick: (pulls out his gun to aim at The Dancer) Easy, flashdance. Game over. (laughs) You got moves? You got moves? I got moves, okay? Don’t make me get all Jurassic on you. (He starts imitating like a dinosaur by growling and hissing)
(NC stares in confusion at Nick’s imitating a dinosaur)
Lupa: (savors the moment by rubbing her upper arms) Oh, oh, yes, Dane Cook. Serenade me with your awfulness.
(Nick continues his bizarre dinosaur imitation by sniffing the odor off The Dancer)
NC: Okay, if we’re gonna play this, we might as well play this for the only audience that would find this funny.
Nick: Come here, come on.
(A clip of a baby boy smiling and giggling intercuts with Nick’s dinosaur act; The Dancer eventually kicks Nick in the face, knocking him out before running away)
Lupa (voiceover): So Rodman and this chick continue to fight, and while it does have some impressive Matrix-style wirework, it’s kind of like attaching strings to a series of wounded animals. They’re moving, but not by their own volition.
(Simon eventually traps The Dancer by tying her up with a large tablecloth before backing away with the suitcase)
NC (voiceover): (sarcastic) Oh, no, she can…easily wiggle out of that.
(Simon goes back for Nick and picks him up)
NC (voiceover): So we cut to—(reacts unpleasantly) Ohh.
(Nick, while apparently asleep, thrusts his hips while lying forward on a couch and making pleasurable moaning noises with his tongue in contact with the leather on the couch. …Yeah, this is much more bizarre than it actually sounds)
NC: (buries his face in disbelief briefly) I mean, oh. (buries his face again)
(Nick continues this odd behavior)
NC (voiceover): I’d say he was trying too hard, but that would mean that actual thought went into whatever the flying fuck we’re looking at right now. And you know what? I just can’t believe that! If there’s a decent holy god in this universe, I simply can’t accept that!
(Simon eventually wakes him up)
Nick: Oh, Simon. Why’d you wake me? I had a dream that I was with Drew Barrymore. We were having a mad game of Monopoly.
(NC and Lupa sit there in silence, not knowing what to say of that awkward statement)
Lupa: Okay, his…novelty’s wearing off a little bit.
Simon: (holds up a computer disk) What’s this?
NC: (simultaneously) D’AHH! It was a computer disk. (grunts in frustration)
Lupa: (simultaneously, pumps her fist in the air) Yes!
Lupa (voiceover): So it seems the computer disk has to go to this guy named Bernard, who’s holding the boss’s daughter, because he’s under orders from Ashton; however, she (the boss’s daughter) doesn’t know she’s being kidnapped, because she’s dating Bernard’s son, who both think she’s part of a foreign exchange program.
Lupa: Did you catch that?
Lupa: Do you care?
NC: Not really.
Lupa: Then we’re on the right track.
NC (voiceover): Hey, anything to distract from Mr. Funeral of Comedy here is perfectly fine by me.
Simon: (to Nick) Stay here. (He leaves)
Nick: (shrugs) “Stay here.” What am I, like, your dog now? (He barks and howls like a dog)
NC (voiceover): (sighs) So the Dane Cook repertoire seems to mostly consist of just doing BARNYARD ANIMALS!
Lupa (voiceover): Yeah, but to be fair, it’s only the ones he can’t do very well.
(Nick enters through the doors of a church sanctuary)
NC (voiceover): So Cook tries following Rodman but loses him in a church, where our dancing monks are just waiting to mess with him.
(Nick pleads to a statue of Jesus hanging on a cross on a wall)
Nick: Please, God. I need to get that disk. If you help me out this one time, I swear, I will straighten out my act.
NC: (as Nick) I won’t make any more Christ Checks jokes. I realize it wasn’t that funny to begin with.
Macro: (speaks via microphone, to which the sound echoes from the Christ figure) Nick!
(Nick gets startled and falls to the floor)
Macro: That’s right, it’s me, God. I’m chillin’ up in heaven. God wants you to…jump.
Macro: Are you questioning God?
Nick: No, no, no. Uh… (He starts jumping in place)
Macro: Jump higher.
NC (voiceover): You know, now I just feel bad. Clearly, nobody can possibly be this ass-numbingly stupid, so where I stand, they’re picking on a mentally-challenged person, and I, for one, am very sickened to watch this!
Lupa (voiceover): You could also confront the blasphemy route.
NC (voiceover): Well, one dumbass joke at a time.
(Cut to Nick falling through a trapdoor in a confession booth)
Lupa (voiceover): He finally comes across the Cybermonks, and they introduce themselves to him.
Macro: My name is Brother Macro, aka Big Mac.
Micro: And I’m Brother Macro, aka Free Willy. (He makes a whale cry)
Lupa (voiceover): Okay, movie, you’re running out of animal sound effects. I think sooner or later, you’re gonna have to write actual jokes.
Men in the Audience: Awww!
Simon: This is classified U.S. military software.
NC (voiceover): So they figure out the disk has some heavy duty top secret shit on there, and they try to figure out a way to hold onto it while also getting the daughter back.
Simon: (to Nick) I will work on the plan. You will set up the second meeting. Capisce?
Nick: No, thanks, I’m not hungry.
(Canned audience laughter is added in before we see NC sarcastically laughs hysterically, with Lupa joining in on the laughter by pounding her fists on her chair and NC waving his arms about in laughter and throwing paper around)
NC: (finishes laughing) Wait, that’s not funny.
Lupa (voiceover): So Rodman sets up another meeting with the crooks in the hopes of getting the daughter back.
(Simon sees a peddler chattering while out on the streets with the rest of the walking crowd of people)
Simon: Make the call.
Nick: I’m all over it. (He laughs to himself while dialing on his phone)
(Cut to Simon wearing the same clothes the peddler wore (probably after stealing them from the peddler) and approaching a crook before pulling out the crook’s gun from inside his jacket, knocking him out by twisting his neck and putting accessories on the crook to look like he’s asleep (complete with brochure and sunglasses))
Lupa (voiceover): I guess the only way Dennis Rodman could blend in was to disguise himself as a cooky peddler in a big hat.
NC (voiceover): Yeah, thank God a person half his size was wearing clothes that just happened to fit him.
(As Lupa and NC speak, Simon sees another crook sitting at a café table and knocks him out with what looks like a fish)
Lupa (voiceover): I’m just surprised this is a wacky comedic moment, and yet nobody is doing any crazy animal impressions.
NC (voiceover): You know, I’m not sure if he’s doing this right.
Simon: (calls Nick on the phone) Move up the alley to her left.
Nick: (communicates to The Dancer on a different phone) Okay, okay, I want you to move up the alley to your left.
The Dancer: Why?
Nick: (whispers to Simon into a different speaker) Why?
Simon: To meet on neutral ground where she can’t screw with you.
Nick: (to The Dancer) So we can meet on neutral ground where I can screw you.
The Dancer: What?
Nick: No, no, no. I mean, where you can screw me! I-I mean, where you can’t screw with—Listen, sister, just move up the alley to the left or the deal is off!
NC (voiceover): I haven’t been this charmed by a performance since Shia Labeouf in “Transformers 3.”
(Cut to Simon looking behind himself and seeing a barrel fall upon him before he could catch it and a male fighter (named Xin Xin) jumps in to attack, kicking through the barrel before they both would fight each other)
NC (voiceover): I love how the barrel just falls on his head after he kicks it.
(The clip of Xin Xin kicking the barrel is shown again)
NC (voiceover): (as Xin Xin) Huaaah—! (The sound effect of an anvil hitting the ground is placed over the part where the barrel lands on Xin Xin’s head briefly) Aww!
(As Simon and Xin Xin continue their fight, The Dancer soon joins in)
Lupa (voiceover): But the hot chick and Curly Howard Lee here try to stop Rodman from taking the girl away, despite the fact that she’s not very happy to have the help.
The Dancer: (to Xin Xin) What are you doing here?
Xin Xin: Making sure you get job done.
The Dancer: Job this!
NC: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Snappy comeback there, lady! Snappy comeback! “Job this.” Gah, I haven’t been that blown away by a comeback since Lady Astor said to Winston Churchill…
(Two images of Lady Astor and Winston Churchill are shown side by side)
NC (voiceover): (speaks the speech bubble for Lady Astor) “If I were your wife, I’d put poison in your coffee.” To which Winston Churchill responded, (speaks the speech bubble for Churchill) “Fuck you ya bitch! I’m gonna stab you in the face later.”
Lupa: You sure that’s how it goes?
NC: I took a few liberties.
(The fighting continues with Xin Xin kicking The Dancer, who falls back into Simon)
Simon: I still get jealous when you fight other guys.
(Xin Xin jumps in to attack her with kicks)
The Dancer: (blocks Xin Xin’s kicks with her legs) I’m immune to the sweet talk.
Lupa: Sweet talk this!
(The Dancer kicks Xin Xin away; cut to Nick finding Claire (the boss’s daughter) and grabbing hold of her)
Nick: Claire, I’m here to help you.
Claire: Let go of me, psycho!
(Michael (Claire’s other friend) intervenes by shoving Nick away)
Michael: (simultaneously) Who the hell are you?
Claire: (simultaneously) Michael, get him off me!
Nick: (pulls out his gun and aims it at Michael’s head) Aha!
NC (voiceover): Ah, yes, the always classic “scary assault by crazy person” form of rescue.
Lupa (voiceover): It’s a dying art.
(Michael has kicked the gun off Nick’s hand and takes Claire away)
Claire: I’m gonna call the cops. (Nick catches up with the two and grabs her) Michael! (Michael brings out a gun to point at Nick) Let go of me!
(Simon comes out of nowhere to grab Michael and throw him on top of a car before running off and Nick continues his struggle with Claire after having gagged her mouth with a potato)
Nick: I wouldn’t have had to gag you if you’d stop fighting me.
NC (voiceover): Really? Nobody’s doing a double-take at a teenage girl gagged with a potato in her mouth?
Lupa (voiceover): Yeah, I can’t even defend that one, Cook. You’re on your own.
(Simon and Nick drive off in a car with Claire in the back seat)
Nick: You didn’t see that car, right?
Simon: I see it.
(The car’s top comes loose before the car is driven off the edge of a cliff and toward the ocean waters; Nick screams before a parachute opens and Nick continues screaming while Simon smiles, remaining calm as the car flies in the air)
Singers (from “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang): (audio) Oh Chitty, you Chitty, Pretty Chitty Bang Bang / Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, We love you / And Chitty in Chitty, pretty Chitty Bang Bang / Chitty Chitty Bang Bang what we’ll do.
(Simon safely lands the car on a beach before Nick pokes his head out the side window to puke)
Lupa (voiceover): Way to be both politically and un-politically correct.
NC (voiceover): Yeah, ‘cause we black people know all about how to land our flying cars.
(Cut to the mansion hideout with Nick and Simon explaining the situation to Claire)
Nick: We’ve rescued you.
Claire: You what?
Nick: From your kidnappers. We’ve rescued you.
Claire: What are you talking about?
NC (voiceover): So the daughter, in the flowing idiot motif that this movie has going, thinks this is all just a ploy for her dad to keep her away from her new boyfriend.
(Claire calls her father on the phone)
William (Claire’s Father): (on the phone) Honey, it’s okay. It’s okay, you’re safe now.
Claire: So you’re amazing.
William: What are you talking about?
Claire: Look, I know you don’t approve of Michael, but I love him. Can’t you understand that?
William: What’s this got to do with Michael?
Claire: I just can’t believe you’d go this far to keep us from being together!
Lupa (voiceover): Ah, the humble beginnings of Bella Swan.
(Cut to the Cybermonks’ lair)
Simon: Ashton and Gabrielli have to be doing a deal.
Macro: If Ashton is doing a deal, man, we’ll know about it. We’re the doctors of surveillance, man. (to Micro) Doctor.
Micro: Doctor, check my pulse.
Macro: Uh-huh. (He checks Micro’s pulse on his wrist)
Micro: I’ve had a lot of anxiety at work.
NC: God, it’s like everywhere I turn, there’s an annoying comic relief waiting for me! (He faces camera right) I go over here, AHH! Annoying monks! (He faces camera left) I go over here, AHH! A Dane Cook! (He faces towards the camera) I go over here, AHH! A stupid dumb broad! Why couldn’t this movie just be about Rodman and that kung fu chick? They’re the only cool characters.
Lupa: Okay, you want it to focus on those two for a bit?
NC: Yes, please!
Lupa: (smiles) You got your wish.
(The sounds of an evil laughter, lighting striking and an organ music sting are heard briefly)
Lupa (voiceover): Rodman goes to visit her (The Dancer) at her home when…
Simon: I was just doing my job.
The Dancer: And I was just doing mine! (She starts up a fight with him)
NC (voiceover): (laughs) Good God! They’ll fight over anything!
(Simon and The Dancer fight until they end up on the bed and he notices the knife she’s using)
Simon: I see. You want to kill me, huh?
The Dancer: Oh, yeah!
(They both continue fighting a bit until she is on top of him)
Simon: I really miss this.
The Dancer: I miss it, too.
(Cut to a clip from “The Venture Bros.” TV series)
Molotov Cocktease: You killed my father!
Brock Samson: After you killed my partner.
Molotov: You took my eye!
Brock: After you took…my heart.
(Back to the movie, Simon and The Dancer being to kiss each other)
The Dancer: I want to work out. (She presses a grey button on a side table, turning off the lights and activating a strobe light while she proceeds to have sexual play with him)
NC (voiceover): Okay, where am I? ‘Cause this clearly isn’t happening on planet Earth!
(The sexual play goes on for a bit)
Lupa (voiceover): She has strobe lights on the bed. Why would she go to the expense of having strobe lights on the bed? Is there a seizure fetish I don’t know about?
NC (voiceover): Even if there was, would you want to know about it?
Lupa (voiceover): Not in person.
(The sexual play goes on a bit longer)
Lupa (voiceover): So after this subtlety, we see Cook and the monks playing cards while supposedly looking after the daughter.
Nick: I can’t believe she’s still in the bathroom.
Macro: Go check on her.
(Nick goes to check the bathroom)
Nick: Alright, Claire, come on, enough foolin’ around. (He knocks on the door) Come on out. You’ve been in there for two hours…
(NC and Lupa groan, throwing their arms up in frustration)
NC: (sarcastically) Well, gee, what do you think she’s doing?
Lupa: Maybe she’s so, I don’t know…
NC and Lupa (voiceover): ESCAPING?!
(Nick opens the door to find the bathroom empty)
Lupa (voiceover): When will guys learn that womanly problems doesn’t always mean womanly problems?
(Nick looks out the bathroom window to see Claire running away with Michael)
Nick: Claire! (He starts climbing out the window) Claire? (He clumsily climbs down the side piping)
NC (voiceover): (as Nick, in a dumb voice) Do you have something for me to overreact to down there?
NC (voiceover): (normal) So her boyfriend comes to save her just as she’s captured by the bad guys again. It’s like they’re playing ping pong with a college student.
(Cut to the church with Nick confronting the monks)
Macro: What happened?
Nick: I lost the girl!
Micro: You what?!
Macro: How does one go about losing an entire girl?
NC and Lupa: As opposed to…half a girl?
Lupa (voiceover): But Rodman gets a message from Ashton saying he wants to meet up and come to an agreement.
(The moment Simon enters Ashton’s building, a man (who it turns out is Colonel Jacques Telore) is swung down in front of Simon on a wire to surprise him before we see Ashton’s henchmen (wearing black and white makeup on their faces) hold their guns at Simon from up above)
Ashton: Thank you for coming, Simon.
NC (voiceover): (laughs) What’s with the “Clockwork Orange” mimes?
Lupa (voiceover): Were the flying monkeys unavailable?
(We briefly see that the Colonel is tied up and gagged while holding a grenade in one hand)
Ashton: Come on. (Simon slowly puts his gun down on the floor) Now, kick it away like the little footballer like you are. (Simon gently kicks his gun away, leaving Ashton to make an amused grin) Ooh, goal!
NC (voiceover): Don’t worry, folks. He only gets sillier.
Ashton: Where’s the disk?
Simon: I don’t have it.
Ashton: What a pity.
(The Losing Horns from the “Price is Right” game show is heard before Ashton shoots at the colonel, making him drop the grenade; Simon quickly reacts and jumps for the grenade, catching it)
NC (voiceover): So the colonel is killed, the henchmen try to shoot him down, all while the hideout is being broken into. Hey, they can’t all be nothing but net.
NC: Hey, if this movie won’t make the basketball puns, I will!
(Simon jumps out a window and slides down the white cylinder supports before two henchmen approach the window to shoot at him; Simon shoots right back while falling backward)
Lupa (voiceover): (sings to the “Spiderman” TV cartoon series theme song) Spider-Rodman, Spider-Rodman, he’s a spider and he plays basketball.
(Simon climbs off the support siding)
Lupa (voiceover): So the comic relief escape but get caught in a quicksand pit they set up, because….
NC (voiceover): Simon says?
Lupa (voiceover): I’ll go with that. But Rodman comes in just in time to save them.
Nick: This thing’s *, man!
- (I don’t know what he said here)
Lupa (voiceover): By the way, why is there fog in a quicksand pit?
NC and Lupa (voiceover): Simon says.
NC (voiceover): Hey, you’re catching on. Meanwhile, we see more of Ashton and the tied-up daughter, and I swear his acting gets so over-the-top, you can practically edit your own library of cartoon sound effects.
Ashton: He’s about to make me a very rich and powerful man. (The sound of a cash register’s “Ka-ching!” is heard) Aww, have you been crying? (Two respective “boings” are heard when Ashton dries the tears off Claire’s face) Oh, now you’re all pretty again. (A “Ta-da!” music queue is heard here; he bends up and spins around to show himself off (with accompanying spinning sound effect)) How do I look? (A “Ding!” is heard) Wish me luck. I have a date with your father. (As he turns around to leave, we hear a slide whistle sound effect, and he lifts up a hand toward a henchman before we heard a “Poink!”)
NC: Good God! Does it ever get more over-the-top than this?
(Lupa cues the dancing monks scene)
NC: OKAY, OKAY, POINT TAKEN! POINT TAKEN!
Lupa (voiceover): The daughter’s boyfriend goes to join the team—because apparently, friendships are born within the space of a cut—and they get the disk back to her father so he can make the handoff.
Ashton: (is heard off-screen) You’re late!
(Ashton makes his entrance with a slide whistle sound effect)
Ashton: Mr. Fence, I presume.
William: Where’s my daughter?
Ashton: She’s shopping at Gucci’s. Oh, no, that’s right. (He laughs as he speaks) She’s tied up in my library.
Lupa: (as Ashton, laughs) It took me three hours to come up with that one. Stop me, I’m on a roll!
Ashton: Now, give me the disk. (He takes the disk from William’s hand (with a “Poink!” sound effect added in)) You just wait here while I go and…check this little puppy out.
(As Ashton leaves by going down some stairs, the cartoon sound effect of running is heard here)
NC (voiceover): So Ashton gets the disk, but one of the monks gets a herd of sheep to stop them on the bridge.
Henchman #1: The sheep! Move them! (He repeatedly shoves at Micro to move him away)
Micro: The sheep are meek, and blessed are the meek!
NC (voiceover): So just to clarify here, the biggest plan that these CYBERMONKS HAVE IS QUICKSAND AND SHEEP! YOU’RE A DISGRACE TO SUCH A RIDICULOUSLY COOL TITLE!
Simon: (dressed in a monk robe) Out of the car, Ashton.
(Ashton reaches an arm out to shoot before Micro uses his shepherd’s staff to fight off the henchmen)
Micro: Have you seen my staff? Here you go!
NC (voiceover): (as the henchmen) Look out! He has a staff, and all we have are mere guns!
Micro: (repeatedly whacks his staff at a henchman) For you! (grunts) And that! (grunts again)
Lupa (voiceover): Alright, if you’re getting defeated by the overweight Cybermonk in battle with a shepherd’s staff, you seriously flunked henchman school.
(Macro jumps and kicks at a henchman on a motorcycle and ends up at the bridge’s railing, inadvertently flipping himself over it, yet he still hangs onto it; in a couple cuts, we see that this stunt is done by Micro’s stunt double)
NC (voiceover): Wow, that monk sure did lose a lot of weight after being flipped over that bridge, didn’t he?
Lupa (voiceover): Must be all the dancing he was doing.
NC (voiceover): So Rodman chases Ashton down while partaking in some thrilling action scenes.
Lupa (voiceover): It’s great that Rodman has his helmet on so he doesn’t actually have to show up on set.
(As Simon motorcycles through a tunnel, a car approaches him head on, and in the next shot--an unrealistic one at that--he guides his motorcycle along the side of the tunnel wall and along the ceiling, avoiding the car before landing back on the ground)
NC (voiceover): (simultaneously) No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Lupa (voiceover): (simultaneously) No, no, no. Nope, nope, nope.
NC (voiceover): Sorry, no.
(Simon next jumps his bike in the air before a flaming ball of fire explodes behind him)
NC: (holds some playing cards in his hands and takes one out) Yes, I call the “Bullshit” card on that one. (The card does indeed say “Bullshit!”)
Lupa: (holds some cards in her hands) Followed by the uncontrollable amount of hysterical laughter card. (She holds up a card that says “HA HA”)
NC (voiceover): So they finally reach Ashton’s Super Weapon of Death—No, really, that’s what he calls it.
Ashton: Ashton’s Super Weapon of Death.
NC (voiceover): See? As he decides to start blowing up national monuments.
Ashton: Guess what we’re going to blow up first. The Eiffel Tower.
Simon: (while fighting off the henchmen above Ashton) Why?
Ashton: Because it’s big and it’s delicious, and I am tired of looking at it?
NC (voiceover): Wow, even the movie couldn’t come up with a good reason for why this guy should be a villain.
Lupa (voiceover): Yeah, isn’t this sort of like when Marvin the Martian says he’s going to blow up the Earth because it blocks his view of Venus?
(As Simon continues fighting off the henchman, Ashton activates his Super Weapon of Death before we see a computer screen of a cartoon version of Ashton showing the Eiffel Tower being targeted)
Computer Voice: (speaks in a chipmunk voice) Blast off for all tourists to look at the Eiffel Tower!
Lupa (voiceover): Do you ever wonder who did the colorful animations for his DEATH LASER?
NC (voiceover): That’s a good point. That’s pretty impressive animation for back then. Where do you think he got the creative team to do that?
(Cut to a scenario of NC (dressed in a white lab coat) at his computer, acting out as a mad scientist)
NC: (as the mad scientist) Ha-ha! Now that my death ray is complete, I must find an animation artist to put on the finishing touches!
(Lupa (as the mad scientist’s assistant) appears with frizzled hair)
Lupa: But, Doctor, where will you find an artist twisted and deranged enough to do anything for such a small amount of money?
NC: (thinks to himself briefly) DEVIANTART!
Lupa: Ingenious, sir. Genius.
NC: (accesses the DeviantArt website) Ha-ha! Somebody has responded already! (He dials on his cell phone, calling someone) Yes, I saw your profile, and you’ll be perfect for the job!
Doctor Insano (played by Spoony): Wonderful! My artwork will finally be revealed!
(All three laugh evilly together briefly)
(Back to the movie)
Lupa (voiceover): But the Cybermonks bring their spy fly back and use it to stop the enemy.
Ashton: Tea time! (He is about to press a button to launch the death ray until the spy fly (which looks more like a honeybee) lands on his face)
Buzz Bee (from the Honey Nut Cheerios commercials): (audio) I’m gonna tempt your tummy with the taste of nuts and honey.
Lupa (voiceover): So while Ashton is surprisingly more occupied with swatting a bee than destroying the world, Rodman gets in and delivers the finishing blow.
(Simon throws Ashton’s silver cane at Ashton, letting it pierce through his stomach before Ashton walks backward into an electric box, causing sparks to explode and electrocuting himself; Ashton lifts up a finger to point to his computer screen, to which we see the cartoon Ashton getting struck by lightning)
Computer Voice: Ooh! Ow!
NC (voiceover): Uh, he used the electricity going through his body to shock the button so the building would self-destruct?
Lupa (voiceover): There…there are no words.
(Simon runs outside the building to escape)
Lupa (voiceover): And one more explosion for the road.
(The building explodes, with Claire, the Dancer, Michael and Nick standing nearby)
Claire: What the hell was that?
(Simon gets up from the ground after the explosion occurred)
Nick and The Dancer: That’s our Simon.
(Audience laughter and applauding is heard before we fade to black and fading back in on the start of the end credits for “The Dick Van Dyke Show”)
(Back to the movie, we get a scene of Claire and Michael getting married as Lupa speaks)
Lupa (voiceover): But, hey, to its credit, this is a pretty solid ending for this film. It had some badass explosions, some over-the-top one-liners, some awesome action scenes, and this is actually a pretty stylish ending.
(Nick appears in the same black and yellow motorcycle outfit Simon usually wears when riding a motorbike and takes off his helmet, revealing a stylish tattoo on his neck, nose piercings, and an earring, much like Simon)
Nick: Ha-ha! It’s done!
(NC and Lupa grunt in frustration)
NC: I hate you, Dane Cook!
Lupa: You’ve worn out your welcome!
Nick: Bad guys went DOWN! (He starts walking off with Macro and Micro)
Micro: It’s a wedding. Love is in the air!
NC (voiceover): So, what’s their final line we’re gonna go out on?
Macro: Micro’s first mission got him the nickname “Free Willy.”
Micro: Well, Simon had me working undercover at a strip joint.
Nick: Whoa, whoa, whoa, as in, like, you were a stripper? “Gentlemen, coming to the stage, Free Willy!”
(Macro imitates his whale call before we cut to black and the end credits start rolling)
NC (voiceover): Wow! We actually ended on another animal sound effect. And not just an animal sound effect, an animal sound effect we already used! Was that…really the strongest joke in the movie that you just had to use it again?
NC: You know what? It probably was, because this movie SUCKS! (He pounds his fist on the word “Sucks”)
Lupa: I kinda like it.
(Clips from the movie play again as Lupa and NC speak)
Lupa (voiceover): I mean, of course it’s stupid. Anyone going into this movie is gonna know it’s stupid, but as stupid movies go, “Simon Sez” is awesomely lame. Some of it is beyond obnoxious, but other parts will definitely make you laugh. If you know what you’re getting into, turn off your brain, sit back and enjoy it.
NC (voiceover): Well, I guess I will say that the action is surprisingly good, Rodman as usual isn’t that bad, and even the relationship between him and the martial arts chick—while bizarre—is actually kind of enjoyable. But I still can’t take Dane Cook or those pain-in-the-ass monks. They’re just too freakin’ annoying for me to get any joy out of it!
NC: So, between the two of us, you can probably figure out whether or not you’d like this movie. But hey, the review is over, the night is young, and I just want to dance, dance, dance. (Upon each time he says the word “dance,” the camera cuts closer to his face)
Lupa: Hit it, Cybermonks!
(Cue the dancing monks scene, and both NC and Lupa dancing in their seats along with it)
NC: I’m the Nostalgia Critic.
Lupa: And I’m Obscurus Lupa.
NC and Lupa: And we can dance!
(NC continues to dance and jive his body as he gets up to leave)
Channel Awesome Tagline—(Nick’s poor Chewbacca impersonation)