Silent Hill: Dying Inside #5
October 19, 2009
This whole thing should've been about Hogg. He's like a girthier Bruce Campbell!
(The room is dark, as Linkara sits on his futon, trying to turn a candle-looking light)
Linkara: Oh, hey, everybody, and welcome to Atop the Fourth Wall, where bad comics burn. As you may have noticed, things have deteriorated a bit around here. It seems that all that fog did a hell of a lot of electrical damage, so I'm without power. But hey, that should make the mood spookier, right? I mean, it's not like this comic has been setting the right mood.
(Shots of the past "Silent Hill" comics are shown)
Linkara (v/o): So let me try to explain what happened last time, and thus also explain the plot: Lauryn, a high school girl, brings her large group of friends to Silent Hill on the pretense of getting all of the symbols and writing off of the walls to sell to rich people who believe in the occult. Her friends being complete morons, they buy into this immediately, although apparently, she doesn't explain this plan until they're ALL AT THE TOWN ALREADY! But her real purpose is to find Christabella, the ghost of her dead sister, who has become a wisecracking, F-bomb-dropping annoyance. She plans to dispel her dead sister through the use of a magic book that she got off of eBay, and I AM STILL GALLED BY THAT!
Linkara: (looking onto a computer in the dark) Let's see, searching for "Necronomicon ex mortis", (looks up) and the results on eBay are not promising.
Linkara (v/o): Oh, but when we last left our heroine, she was confronted by Christabella, but she had an ace up her sleeve: her zombie friends! Yeah, she had marked them so that when they died, they'd become zombies under her command. You would need a dump truck to fill in these plot holes!
Linkara: But hey, we're finally at the end, (holds up comic of review for today, lighting it with the tiny candle-looking light) so let's dig into "Silent Hill: Dying Inside #5".
(AT4W title sequence plays, followed by the title card for this episode, set to Silent Hill music)
Linkara: (holding up both hands) Wait, wait, wait, waitwaitwaitwaitwaitwait, (music stops to a record needle scratch) stop, stop! You heard the description I gave, right? This has nothing to do with "Silent Hill", so why do I keep playing Silent Hill music over the title cards?! Give me something else! Give me something as far removed from those awesome stories as we can.
(Title card is shown again, this time with Kenny Loggins' "Footloose" playing)
Linkara: See? That's more fitting for this.
(Cut to a closeup of the comic's cover)
Linkara (v/o): So, the final cover of this putrid miniseries features Lauryn mooning her boyfriend. The art has devolved into this stylized, angular form, and like the rest of the art for this series, it is completely out of place on regular humans.
Linkara: How is it that I have never even played the games, and yet I could come up with an artistic atmosphere that more closely resembles them?!
Linkara (v/o): We're back to the black-and-white credits page, which was mysteriously absent in issue 4. This one depicts some guy in front of an army of pipe-wielding monsters and... Are those Pyramid Heads? As in, "several"?! (sighs) You know, I honestly don't mind that he's in "Homecoming" or the arcade or even the movie. BUT THIS?! AND A FRICKIN' ARMY OF THEM?!?! I want to hurt this comic, but I can never hurt it like it's hurt me! (the comic proper begins) We open to Lauryn sleeping on the job.
Lauryn: (narrating) The power.
(Cut to a clip of Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back)
Darth Vader: The power of the Dark Side.
(Back to the comic)
Lauryn: (narrating) The others I brought here. My will moves through them. My will be done. Fear is mine to give.
Linkara: I'm just saying that was an incredibly lucky find on eBay! A book thousands of years old that grants this much power? It could easily have been "Where's Waldo?" with a warped cover!
Linkara (v/o): Even Christabella seems shocked that Lauryn has become this colossal sociopath that let her friends die for her little army of zombie minions. Also, the zombie minions are doing surprisingly well with just their bare hands. I guess the real trick to fighting the monstrous hordes of the town are the awesome might of fingernails.
Lauryn: (narrating) Clown and Payne are still unconscious in the car, but while they sleep, my dead fight. This must be how God feels on a good day.
Linkara: (as God) And lo, did Lauryn declare, thou shalt not cover thine others with thongs, briefs, panties, nor boxers. Calvin Klein is thine enemy.
Linkara (v/o): Clown and Payne wake up and are set upon by monsters, but Christabella claims these ones aren't hers. Christabella agrees to help to protect the two as long as she hands over the book when this is all over. Lauryn agrees, fearing that she's succumbing to the dark powers of the book.
Linkara: Lauryn, from what I've seen, you were nutty before you even touched that thing.
Linkara (v/o): Over at the lighthouse, Hogg climbs the steps to recover his friends, but finds them all to be dead already. Troy is there, too, but claims he wasn't the one who killed them. Back with Lauryn, it turns out that her zombies can talk to her, and that they're hearing the voices of the people who lived and died in the town. Lauryn also reveals that she was born here, and that Christabella was killed in Silent Hill as well. And again, perfectly good Silent Hill story fodder is completely tossed aside! One of the zombies punches a hole in the wall, and Lauryn feels that that's where she's supposed to go. Wasn't Christabella with them? Where were they going and why? Anyway, Lauryn goes in deeper and finds some numbers written on the wall.
Lauryn: (narrating) Whatever Christabella wants is in here, through this locked door. I can feel it. And these numbers are the key to opening it. Some kind of riddle... Or equation.
Linkara: Here's an equation for you: (holds up comic) this comic (holds up candle-themed light) plus fire equals happy fun times! (smiles)
Linkara (v/o): Coincidentally, all of Lauryn's zombies are standing inside of a circle, and they get fried by a magic hoodity.
Lauryn: (narrating) Then, out of the carnage... comes a new evil – the one known as Whately.
Linkara: How appropriate. "What" is the word I find myself repeating most here.
Linkara (v/o): Then, I think Troy shows up with nurses and blotches and... I think... Pyramid Heads? What? Or rather, "whately"?
Troy: You couldn't possibly have thought we'd leave our greatest treasure unguarded.
Linkara: You know, Silent Hill was a resort town, right? I'd love to see its brochure: "Enjoy our abominations against all things good! Luaus with Pyramid Head on Thursday nights!"
Linkara (v/o): Back over to Clown and Payne and... Huh? Where the hell are they and what are they doing? Payne confesses to Clown about sleeping with Lauryn, but he says he already knew and... Ugh! Stupid love triangle bullcrap. Anyway, Lauryn is told that she brought a disrupting influence to the town, AKA Christabella, though Lauryn knows that she didn't do anything. Well, on the plus side, this seems to indicate that Christabella isn't a representation of the town, that she's an aberration, and that this whole thing isn't the truth behind the town. The problem, however, is that apparently this Whately guy who represents the town, even though he has never appeared or been mentioned in the games, and I have no idea who the hell he's supposed to be! But also on the plus side, he doesn't talk as much as Christabella, thank God! They burn her magic books so she's unprotected, but she thinks she can get away if she can solve the number riddle. However, Hogg and Troy show up to... Wait, Troy? I thought the guy talking to her was Troy. They're drawn exactly alike and... Oh, whatever! Apparently, this guy's name is Whately or Waitley or however the hell it's pronounced, and as I said, he's never shown up in a Silent Hill game either, so what is even the hell?
Linkara: And in a bizarre case of life imitating art, the more this comic confuses me, the murkier and more utterly baffling the artwork gets!
Linkara (v/o): So, anyway, fight scene breaks out with Hogg going Bruce Campbell on the monsters. Troy tells Lauryn that beyond the door is a girl that's happening in the town. He also tells her that she can summon up her zombie friends again. She's confused by this since she doesn't have the book anymore, but then suddenly, they appear before her!
Troy: All you've ever had to do is send some happy thoughts my way.
Linkara: Okay, by that logic, all I have to do is think happy thoughts, and this thing will go away! (puts his index and middle fingers to his head and closes his eyes) Blue Beetle... Blue Beetle... Blue Beetle! (opens his eyes) Crap, it's still here!
Linkara (v/o): So, how did she do that? Never explained! Apparently, the number's actually called 666, the number of the beast. Ugh! That is just lazy! Whenever Silent Hill mentioned anything related to actual demons or Biblical references, they at least went for the obscure. As Lauryn unlocks the door, a shadow puppet appears from nowhere.
Lauryn: (narrating) But... what have I unleashed from Whately's corpse?
Linkara: WHO THE HELL IS WHATELY?!?!
Linkara (v/o): Christabella appears, threatening to... uh, do something with some sketchy images that I think are supposed to be Clown and Payne. She wants Troy to go into the room and kill the girl inside of it.
Lauryn: All you want is power. Control.
Christabella: Makes two of us.
Linkara (v/o): Lauryn suddenly realizes that she has wanted power, too, I guess, because she suddenly erases the 666 number and locks the door.
Lauryn: (narrating) The power's in me. I think it always has been.
Linkara: What power?! The power to prevent forest fires?! The power of heart?! The power of love?! Did no one actually READ this thing before they released it?!
Linkara (v/o): So, Lauryn accepts that what happened to Christabella wasn't her fault, and all the monsters disappear. It also turns out that the images of Clown and Payne were fake. Whatever.
Lauryn: I was born here. You died here. Something got triggered and tapped into this place' veins. A spell. Power. And it's mine.
Linkara: Really? Just something got triggered. That's all. That– That's your explanation for all of this? Care to explain how that works or how this power is yours all of a sudden? Care to explain that at all? Huh?
Linkara (v/o): The silhouetted monsters are unable to follow Christabella's commands, and Lauryn commands Troy to comfort her sister.
Troy: My pleasure, Lauryn. Taking care of things is what I do best.
Linkara: A tentacle monster and a little girl. This comic is nine different of "what the hell"!
Linkara (v/o): Suddenly, Lauryn, Clown and Payne teleport to the city limits. Lauryn tells them that she's staying in the town and that Hogg refuses to leave as well, not that we ever see it. She then puts her hands on their faces and says...
Lauryn: You'll have a piece of me wherever you go.
Linkara: Wait, I saw this at the end of Star Trek II. Lauryn's giving them her contra! Next, we'll see the sequel: Silent Hill 3: The Search for Plot.
Linkara (v/o): And so, our comic ends with Lauryn walking through the streets of the town.
Lauryn: (narrating) Silent Hill is a pretty place.
Linkara: Well, at least it was after Lauryn spearheaded a huge neighborhood cleanup campaign.
Lauryn: (narrating) A quiet little town where time seems to have stopped. Here, people are still kind to...
Linkara (v/o): You know what? I can't continue this narration. What the hell is this? Seriously, what the hell am I looking at? I see a vague shape that kind of looks like Christabella, but everything else is a splotch of red, white and blue! She says the mist is clearing and the sun is coming out, but look at this! The sky is murky, everything is dark and grimy, and I have absolutely no idea what the Funk and Wagnall just happened on these last few pages!
(In Linkara's room, the lights have turned back on, and Linkara looks around)
Linkara: That's better! (holds up comic angrily) This comic sucks, and every issue that made up this miniseries sucks! I am so sick and tired of this nonsense that it isn't even funny!
(He throws the comic behind the couch and gets up and leaves. He walks into the living room)
Linkara: (muttering) Worst freakin' comics I ever had to read in my life!
(Suddenly, a sound like an air raid siren is heard)
Linkara: (looking around) What the...?
(Linkara covers his ears. Suddenly, the room is covered in red light and Linkara looks around)
Linkara: Huh. This is generally not a good sign...
(Linkara bends down and picks up his magic gun, accompanied by a Silent Hill-type message reading: "You got a magic gun". He puts the gun in his coat pocket. Then he hears the sound of metal creaking. It's the sound of a Pyramid Head walking into the room. Linkara stands there, traumatized, then makes a silly face at the Pyramid Head and runs off. The Pyramid Head looks around for him for several seconds. Then Linkara returns, tapping the Pyramid Head on the shoulder)
Linkara: Excuse me, have you seen a little girl (places hand around the height of his stomach) about yea high, black hair?
(Then Linkara swings a baseball bat at the Pyramid Head. It stumbles and falls to its knees. Then Linkara repeatedly hits the Pyramid Head with the bat)
Linkara: (yelling in between hits) WORD! TO! THE! WISE! WEARING! A! HUGE! FREAKING! ECHO! CHAMBER! ON! YOUR! HEAD! IS! NOT! VERY! SMART! (after a beat, Linkara hits the Pyramid Head one more time)
(Dazed, the Pyrmaid Head gets back up. Then Linkara takes out a Pokeball)
Linkara: (tossing Pyramid Head the Pokeball) Here, catch!
(The Pyramid Head catches the Pokeball in its hand. There is a bright flash of light, and the Pyramid Head is gone, having been caught in the Pokeball. Linkara picks it up)
Linkara: (holding Pokeball out to camera) Yes! I caught a Pyramid Head! (gives a two-finger salute, then stares quizzically at Pokeball) What am I supposed to do with it?
(Linkara puts the Pokeball in his pocket, then turns to see another Pyramid Head confronting him, sword drawn)
Linkara: Oh, another one, huh? (holds up his bat) Batter up!
(Linkara runs up and hits the Pyramid Head with his bat, but it doesn't hurt the Pyramid Head at all)
Linkara: Huh, a swing and a miss.
(Linkara turns and starts to run off, the Pyramid Head pursuing. Linkara stops and turns to face the Pyramid Head, firing at it with his magic gun. The bullet ricochets off its armor, and the Pyramid Head keeps coming, sword drawn. Linkara runs into another room, closing the door behind him and holding it shut)
Linkara: Okay, important safety tip: do not mock Pyramid Head.
(Linkara pulls away from the door and strikes a pose while looking in the mirror. Meanwhile, the Pyramid Head continues its advance. Linkara looks down and sees a box. He opens it up to reveal...)
Linkara: When the hell did I get you??
(A message pops up, reading: "You got a ???" The Pyramid Head slashes its sword into the room, and the door opens. Linkara looks up to it)
Linkara: Hey, Pyramid Head, I like the Butcher better!
(Linkara raises his arm up, revealing it to be replaced by a huge-ass machine gun! The Pyramid Head stops, stunned. Linkara fires his gun at it. The Pyramid Head gets riddled with bullets that pierce the armor and cause blood to spurt everywhere, until it finally disappears in an explosion. Linkara smiles grimly and nods)
(End credits roll)
(And a Very Special Thanks To All the fans of AT4W, Silent Hill, and particularly Chris Hench, who donated this series for the review.)
(Also, if I ever decided to do a review in the dark again, somebody smack me. ...Stupid auto-focus...)
(Yes, the irony of me complaining for an hour about the comic has nothing to do with Silent Hill and then having a big ending fight with Pyramid Head and an explosion and badassitude and everything, things completely antithetical to Silent Hill, is not lost on me.)
(Good Ending - "Groovy" - Unlocked.)
(Stinger: The Pyramid Head is seen again, and Linkara taps on its shoulder)
Linkara: Excuse me, have you seen a little girl (places hand around the height of his stomach) about yea high, black hair?
(Pyramid Head shakes its head no, and Linkara laughs)