Channel Awesome
Silent Hill: Dead/Alive #5
October 18th, 2010
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Will Christabella regain control of Silent Hill? Will Ken learn the secrets of his past? Will Linkara survive with his sanity intact? Oh, who the hell cares – what about the dog?!

(Open, once again, on Linkara in a black room, as eerie music plays)

Linkara: It was then that the daughter stopped loving her parents.

(Cut to a shot of the little girl from before with the lifeless, bloody eyes of before, only now, they're angry)

Linkara (v/o): She realized that they never loved her, had never seen her as anything else other than the means to their goals. And she grew very angry and hateful. But she did as her parents had wanted, lost everything that she was so that they could have their weapon, and kill for their god. The daughter poured all of her rage, all of her hate, all of everything that was mad that her love had held back into that weapon. Every unchecked drop of emotion was placed into the instrument. It seemed as if she had put her very soul into it. And when the parents tried to pick up the weapon to use it in their righteous cause, the weapon burned them, burned their minds, and burned their souls. It plunged their psyches into nightmares too horrible for them to comprehend, giving reprieve only so it could be snatched up and the haunting of their very being could continue. But before the parents received their final suffering, they asked the weapon why, why it would do this to them. They loved their god and had even sacrificed the life of their own daughter for it. And the weapon replied, "Because you were my god, and all I have done is follow your teachings of love."

Linkara: And with those words etched into their last thoughts, the parents descended into madness and death, the weapon laughing in loving devotion.

(Title sequence plays; title card has eerie music playing over it)

Linkara: Hello, and welcome to Atop the Fourth Wall, where– (suddenly, a siren is heard wailing and fog starts wafting through the room, annoying him) Oh, not again!

(Linkara takes out a small fan and waves it around, pushing the fog away)

Linkara: Yeah, it's been kind of a trying time these last few weeks, what with me seeing things that aren't there– (suddenly, he is interrupted by a flash; he groans in pain and clutches his head) And that!

(Suddenly, the siren is heard again and fog starts wafting through again; again, Linkara shoos it away with the small fan)

Linkara: AND THE NEAR-CONSTANT SIRENS! And just to really piss me off, I've had to endure something FAR worse than all of this junk: "Silent Hill: Dead/Alive"!

(Cut to shots of Linkara's review of "Silent Hill: Dead/Alive #3" and "#4")

Linkara (v/o): When we last left our merry band of dimwits, windbags and completely pointless characters, everybody was separated, and yet they all had the same unfortunate happenstance of us not knowing just what the hell was going on. Here's the plot as I can figure: A witch named Lenora has taken control of Silent Hill from the last year's protagonist Lauryn in preparation for the arrival of some great being. Christabella, the demon girl who needs to wash her mouth out with soap, has become mortal, but inherited Lauryn's power to make demons explode. Hollywood actor Ken Carter has been kidnapped by Lenora so that he can become a psychotic killer and bring "the nightmare of Silent Hill into the minds of everybody in the world!" Whoooo! Which, as far as evil plans go, ranks up there with...

(Cut to a panel from "Future Five 1")

Linkara (v/o): ..."I'll take over the world by making everybody stupid by convincing kids not to go to college." I'll explain why it's so absolutely idiotic in a minute.

(Cut back to the Silent Hill comic)

Linkara (v/o): Lenora takes Ken to Silent Hill to convince him to become a murderer by also kidnapping his ex-girlfriend Connie. Through a series of convoluted events, Connie has now been possessed by something; Ken has located Lauryn's magic book, but is now encountering his undead father; and Lenora now stands revealed to have been Lauryn the whole time, a plot twist that comes so far out of left field to have come from an entirely different field altogether. Oh, yes, and there's Whatley, who, despite these comics' continually trying to convince us is someone important, has done all of two things so far...

(Cut to a clip of Army of Darkness)

Ash (Bruce Campbell): Jack and shit. And Jack left town.

(Cut back to the comic again)

Linkara (v/o): So, why is this evil plan so moronic? Well, it should be pretty damn obvious, but if it wasn't obvious to Scott Ciencin, then there are probably those out there that don't get it. Having an actor kill people is not gonna strike all that much fear into people, partially because actors and celebrities have killed before. At best, in pop culture, it's something that ends up with the murderers being ridiculed as the subject of jokes.

(Cut to a shot of a cover of Time Magazine, showing the infamous O.J. Simpson trial)

Linkara (v/o): Remember O.J. Simpson? Sure, he was more known for sports, but he did do a little bit of acting in his life.

(Back to the Silent Hill comic again)

Linkara (v/o): And remember during all of the original trial how it made us all insane with fear and nightmarish visions of a hellish town and a guy with a doorstop for a face? NO, OF COURSE YOU DON'T!! Even if some people were frightened by the knowledge that an actor had killed someone, what're you gonna do about areas of the planet where American films are less watched? What about people who may know his name casually, but have never actually seen his face? What about little kids who have never seen his movies or– God, you get the point! This plan doesn't make any sense, and I don't understand why they'd even want to do it in the first place. And of course, everything about this is now questionable, because Lenora is Lauryn!

Linkara: So now, all that's left is to see how the real main character, the dog that Ken brought with him, will overcome these obstacles of idiots put before him. Let's dig into (holds up today's comic) "Slice of Ham Number–"

(He stops abruptly, however, as he looks up to see a ninja standing over him)

Linkara: Yes, can I help you?

Ninja: You have no honor. (walks off)

Linkara: Okay...

(Cut to a shot of the plot summary in this comic)

Linkara (v/o): As before, let's take a look at the summary of the plot at the beginning of the individual issue.

Text: Faking her own disappearance, Lauryn takes on the identity of the mad Lenora and plants herself deep behind the enemy lines of the Whatleys, a group that has had a hand in the evil plaguing Silent Hill for countless generations.

Linkara: No, it hasn't. The order was a cult that worshiped some unknown god that some have speculated to be a demon called Sammael. Their attempts to bring their god into the world resulted in their entire town getting screwed over. You're a dumbass, Scott Ciencin!

Text: Her goal has been to deal them an unexpected and fatal blow from within...

Linkara: If you've been wondering why I've been reading these little summaries, that sentence should tell you why: plot points and character motivations are given here INSTEAD OF THE COMIC ITSELF!!

(Cut to a recap summary of an issue of "Amazons Attack")

Linkara (v/o): You know, I thought "Amazons Attack" was bad when its collected editions had those summaries of tie-in books that featured important plot stuff, instead of putting the tie-in books with the collections, but dear Lord, this thing just took the cake with laziness! At least those tie-in books actually exist. Some sad idiot who actually likes "Amazons Attack" could hunt down those issues if they so desired...

(Back to the Silent Hill comic)

Linkara (v/o): ...but there's no tie-ins to "Dead/Alive"! This is it! We need a summary at the beginning to tell us what the hell actually happened in the book, because the writer couldn't be bothered to put it into the actual story!

Linkara: And you want to know the real kick in the nuts? (holds up comic) THOSE SUMMARIES ARE NOT IN THE TRADE PAPERBACK!

Linkara (v/o): Even if someone could stomach all of this "Christabella", "Whatley", and other not-Silent Hill nonsense, they'd be utterly lost if they picked up the trade paperback from a bookstore.

Text: Lauryn's dead/alive younger sister Christabella...

Linkara: She isn't both, comic; it was made very clear early in the series that she was alive now!

Text: ...finds herself face-to-face with the elder thing the Whatleys have summoned to this reality...

Linkara: (holding up index finger) One, when the hell did they do that? (holds up two fingers) Two, when the hell did we get more than one Whatley? (holds up three fingers) Three, what does this have to do with the video games?

(Cut to a clip of UHF)


(Back to the comic again)

Text: ...housed in the flesh of Connie, the longtime love of Hollywood actor Kenneth Carter. And Lauryn's book of spells has also found its way into Kenneth's hands even as a ghost claiming to be his natural father appears, ready to lend a bony hand. Let the fight begin.

Mortal Kombat announcer: Round 1... FIGHT!

(The comic proper begins)

Linkara (v/o): We open to Christabella confronted by the possessed Connie.

Christabella: (narrating) She looks like... a goddess. I hate that.

Linkara: Nobody cares what you think, Christabella.

Linkara (v/o): Okay, like last time, there's a lot of stupid in this comic. Almost everything they say or do gives me something to mock, but the problem with this is that we'll be here for hours if I make fun of everything, so let me just try to explain what is happening. Whatever is possessing Connie sucks out Troy's marshmallow filling... or maybe Troy was filled with bed sheets. Yeah, tip for artists: energy or clouds or something should not have black outlines, or else they look, well, like this. Speaking of the artist, I can just imagine them spilling their whiteout onto the page for all these random dots and just deciding to leave it there for artistic effect. Still, at least we have more colors than brown, but they're still watered down and dreary. The goddess thing turns its attention towards Christabella, who starts flapping her jaw to try to distract it.

Christabella: So you're... what? Sammael? One of the other elder gods the nimrods around here have been trying to summon up?

Linkara: The fact that Scott Ciencin knows what Sammael is suggests a terrible, terrible idea: that he does know about the games; he just doesn't give a crap!

Linkara (v/o): Christabella at first doesn't believe she has her demon-exploding powers anymore, but then suddenly uses them to blast back Connie.

Linkara: Dang it, if you're not gonna kill Christabella, then stop teasing us with it, comic!

Harvey Finevoice: (standing over Linkara) Yeah, you'd know all about killing girls, wouldn't you? (puts a cigarette in his mouth)

Linkara: (to Harvey) I'm not talking to you!

Linkara (v/o): Christabella isn't sure how she still has her powers, but uses it to teleport away in a column of fire. She cycles through three locations showing the three main stars of the "Silent Hill" one-shots I mentioned in the first part of this nonsense. You know, Ike was at least a character here, but what the hell's the point of the cameos by the other two? Oh, yeah, I forgot, this book likes to waste our time. Christabella locates our canine hero.

Christabella: The knife he's using as a chew toy is a stealer of souls. Sound nasty?

Linkara: No, it sounds cliched and generic.

Linkara (v/o): Meanwhile, back to Lauryn and Whatley. Christabella's narrating the entire issue, by the way.

Christabella: (narrating) It turned out she'd been pretending to be someone else all along, this bitch Lenora, putting us all through the paces because of another one of her games.

Linkara (v/o): Seriously, this plot twist of Lauryn as Lenora makes no sense! I get trying to undo the Whatleys, because this series keeps pretending that they're the big bad, despite their lack of presence in the actual comics, but then, why the crap with Ken? Her entire plan was to get injured so that the Whatleys would let her have access to their power and then corrupt them from within. Except, Whatley wasn't exactly a threat to her in "Dying Inside". In fact, when she got her magical, chocolatey, super-duper powers, she swept them away without a second thought.

Lauryn: Jesus wept, Whatley. You gonna talk me to death?

Linkara: Why not? No one else in this comic seems to believe that silence is golden.

Linkara (v/o): Whatley tortures Lauryn by sticking his glowing fingers into her chest!

Linkara: (mock shock) My God! Whatley is a true threat! He has (reaches out his hand) FINGER BEAMS! (wiggles his fingers)

Linkara (v/o): We cut to Ken talking with his demonic aviator pilot dad, and I still can't believe I'm saying that.

Ken: You used me.

Linkara: (confused) What?

Linkara (v/o): According to the second flippin' issue, Ken's never met his real father before. How does he even recognize him, and how exactly did he "use him"? You know, maybe the problem is that Scott Ciencin doesn't realize that when we're not looking at the characters, we can't see what's happening to them or what they're saying to each other.

Christabella: (narrating) Kenneth Carter, the actor... and his dear old dad. Let's just call him Bones, shall we?

(Cut to a clip of an episode of the original Star Trek)

McCoy: I'm quaking, but I don't know whether it's with laughter or terror.

(Back to the comic again)

Ken: Answer my question... Dad. Is it true? You and my mother were just using me? From the story you just told me...

Linkara: WHAT STORY?!? You can't pretend the things happened when they didn't! (beat) Wait, why am I complaining? That just means that there's less that I have to read.

Linkara (v/o): Bones explains to Ken that indeed Ken was born precisely for the purpose of being a killer to "spread word of Silent Hill into the nightmares of an entire world". So the stupidity doesn't even extend just to Lauryn, but in fact its generational stupidity. Bones further explains about Ken's birth as if this has some sort of bearing on the plot. He fell in love with a woman who turned out to be a higher-level demon. However, the child they conceived, they actually did love, so they gave Kenneth– Wait, WHAT?! Just the last page, they said they were using him for the stupid NIGHTMARE plan! JUST... LAST... PAGE!! You can't say you used him and then say you always loved him! And yes, there was an editor on this story, but apparently, he was hitting himself with a coffee mug that day and didn't catch something as blatantly obvious as that! JUST... LAST... PAGE!!!! Bones starts looking more and more human... for some reason... and tells Ken that he has to decide for himself if he's who he wants to be or who they want him to be.

Linkara: And that's why Bones is dressed as an aviator pilot!

(He nods, then drops the book from his hands, and buries his face in his hands, as if trying hard not to cry)

Linkara (v/o): Oh, and despite the fact that on one page, Christabella said that she was narrating the stuff after the fact...

Christabella: I found this all out later. On the last day I would ever see her again.

Linkara (v/o): ...we now have a page where the goddess thing possessing Connie is narrating in her caption boxes! What, is Christabella narrating from the goddess' point of view? And all she says is that she's hunting after Christabella.

Linkara: (as comic artist) Uh, Scott, I couldn't help but notice that this page didn't need to exist. (as Scott Ciencin) Look, just shut up and draw your scribbles, art monkey!

Christabella: Great. This is what I need, dog. More people trying to convince me that I should want to be alive.

Linkara: (frustrated) WHEN HAS ANYONE EXPRESSED THAT TO YOU?!? (flips through pages) PLEASE, POINT THE PAGE OUT TO ME!

Linkara (v/o): What, the dog is trying to convince you to be happy to be alive, too?! Is the dog psychic?! Is he communicating with you in your mind so that we can't see it?! The goddess appears in front of the two as we switch over to Lauryn, who uses the power of bleach to make two demons appear and transform into tentacles to hold back Whatley, but he teleports behind her. Then Lauryn kisses him! Eww! Oh, but this was actually a spell to make cockroaches appear inside of his mouth! And by the way, this is supposed to be some sort of "epic fight" between the two, a culmination of all of Scott Ciencin's Silent Hill work. I'm sure, in his own head, "Ghost Love Score" was playing, but considering how incredibly dumb this whole thing is, I have my own soundtrack in mind.

(The music in question that plays during this scene is "The Gonk")

Linkara (v/o): Back to Christabella, who says that she knows the knife, despite its magical powers, isn't gonna do squat, but she throws it anyway. And why not? More pointlessness.

Goddess: Amusing. Entertainment should be reward. A gift, then.

(Cut to a clip of an episode of Animaniacs, showing Yakko Warner handing two kids, a boy and a girl, a huge sack of cash)

Yakko: Here, have a bag of money. (the girl eagerly takes it)

(Cut back to the comic again)

Linkara (v/o): And now we see what that reward is: a page of Christabella being shown a goddess' cosmic awareness, and how she could be like that, too. It is entirely pointless. Say, you know what we could've had on this page instead of this?

Linkara: ANYTHING!!!!

Linkara (v/o): Back to the battle of the sillies, Whatley says they knew right away that Lenora was her.

Whatley: Lenora was an actress, always assuming other roles...

Linkara: She put on a kitchen robe and looked like Connie (holds up index finger) once. That was it!

Linkara (v/o): I can't help but feel that there's supposed to be some sort of message or undercurrent about Hollywood that Scott Ciencin is desperately trying to get across, but it's so botched and shoved into this that I can't see what his point is supposed to be, other than dry, psuedo-philosophical ramblings. Whatley says that he summoned the creature that's now inhabiting Connie, but then Kenneth appears out of nowhere and smacks Whatley right in the face with the magic book.


Linkara (v/o): Lauryn says it's because the skin of the book is made of a material completely "anathema to his kind", whatever the hell that is. Really, this is just another case of the writer doing what he does best with this series: pulling stuff out of his ass! And one more time: Lauryn got this incredibly powerful and useful book off of eBay! It's not even that she got it off of eBay, as much as that she got something so flippin' specific to her needs for all of this without even a perilous journey to recover it from someplace dangerous! Someone just put this up on eBay, and it was EXACTLY WHAT SHE NEEDED!! Christabella arrives with the goddess and... Oh, dear Lord, even the artist must be getting bored with all of this! This picture of Christabella? It's from issue 3, just flipped around!

Christabella: (narrating) Remember all that stuff they were doing back in the world? The murders, Ken here as prime suspect...

Linkara: (listlessly) Yes, I do remember it. It bored me.

Christabella: (narrating) ...seeding him into the nightmares of hundreds of millions of people, getting Ike's paintings of this place in people's thoughts because they were what drove Ken to do it?

Linkara: What if I decided not to watch the news that night? What if CNN or MSNBC or Fox News or any news outlet decided not to show the paintings? What if – and here's the big one – NO ONE thought friggin' PAINTINGS were what drove him to DO IT?!?

Linkara (v/o): Seriously, when would the police make that connection to the paintings, other than just his further symptoms of an already-disturbed mind. That's like saying a guy goes on a killing spree of women sitting in chairs because he was inspired by the Mona Lisa! All the characters just kinda meet up in wherever the hell this is... Backgrounds, hello? ...and Whatley gives himself up to the goddess, who promptly consumes him. Well, thank you, Whatley, you were such an important character in all of this. I see why you were the villain and why you grew tons of hair since we saw you in "Dying Inside". Lauryn and the goddess engage in their epic battle, which apparently consists of them pretending to be mimes, based off of this artwork. Ken's dad appears and tells him he has to finish this, and Christabella finds it's time to monologue about how none of us are born evil, and oh, dear God, there are just three pages left, JUST LET THIS END!!! Ken advances towards the goddess, axe in hand.

Lauryn: If you love someone, how can anything done in the name of that love ever really be hurtful to them?

Linkara: Just ask Mark David Chapman. God, this comic is stupid!

Linkara (v/o): So we see Ken raise the axe and grab the magic knife and... "SRCUOOSH!"

(Cut through static to the infamous closing of the season 9 final episode of Dallas, where Pamela Ewing wakes up from sleeping and, hearing the shower on, goes into it to find out who should be taking a shower in there but...)

Bobby Ewing (Patrick Duffy): Good morning.

(The scene freeze as the end credits start rolling; cut back to the Silent Hill comic again)

Linkara (v/o): No, I'm serious! We cut to Ken waking up in bed with Connie! Ken is a farmer, his parents are alive, and now they're in an alternate reality! Same for Lauryn, who's now living with Ike in France! And Christabella? She's in charge of Silent Hill again! THAT'S HOW THIS COMIC ENDS! WHAT THE SAM FLIPPIN' HILL JUST HAPPENED?!?

Christabella: I'm Christabella. This is my town. This... is Silent Hill!

Linkara: (scarcely able to contain his fury) NO, IT ISN'T, YOU PREPUBESCENT SACK OF CRAP!! (holds up a Silent Hill game) THIS IS SILENT HILL!! (holds up comic angrily) THIS PIECE OF CRAP SUCKS!!!!

Linkara (v/o): Even if we were to rename this into "Scarytown, U.S.A.", or something that had no preconceptions on anything related to Silent Hill, the story itself makes no sense, the characters are boring and stupid, and the ending is the biggest load since Monster A-Go Go said there was no monster!

(Cut to a clip of the MST3K gang watching the aforementioned Monster A-Go Go)

Crow: There was no dignity for anyone who worked on this film!

Linkara: Silent Hill deserves better than this! I am instructing all of my fans to go out and read "Silent Hill: Sinner's Reward". Hey, it's not perfect, but it's got my seal of approval on it, (holds up "Dead/Alive" again, shaking it angrily) which is more than can be said for this–

(Suddenly, he is interrupted by the sound of a siren. Irritably, he takes his small portable fan to prepare to blow away the inevitable fog about to come in again. Instead, however, the room is bathed in eerie red light, revealing that he is now in the Otherworld himself. Even so, albeit nervously, Linkara still turns on the fan to blow away the now-nonexistent fog)

Linkara: Craaaaaap...!

(Linkara gets up and walks down the hall. He sees a paper bag placed before a closed door)

Message: There is an object blocking the door. Try to move it? Yes? No?

Linkara: (irritably) Yes!

(He bends down and tries to dig into the contents of the bag, but, to his surprise and irritation, to no avail)

Linkara: What the–

Message: It won't budge. It looks like you'll need something needlessly complex and crafted from several parts in order to move it.

(Linkara raises an eyebrow at the message, then raises his magic gun, which he fires at the door, causing it to finally come loose. He opens the door and walks out into the living room)

Linkara: (muttering peevishly) Honestly, if I could only just shoot–

(Suddenly, the scene flashes again. Screaming in pain, Linkara stumbles and clutches the wall for support)

Linkara: (gasping for breath) What is going on...?! (clutches his head) Why do I keep saying these things?!

Pollo: Blinded by sorrow and guilt, I'd say.

Harvey: It's his own damn fault. Murderin' bastard. (puts a cigarette in his mouth)

Linkara: (anguished) I've had enough of this! Would you people just–

(But when he looks up, he sees that nobody is there)

Linkara: (anguished) I did what I had... What am I talking about? I didn't do anything! (hyperventilating) Whatever you are, whatever is doing this, (holds up gun) I deny you!

(Suddenly, he looks up to see a nurse, with her head wrapped in bandages, advancing on him with a knife. However, he fires his magic gun at her at point blank range. She falls over, after which he stomps his foot on her, causing blood to splatter out (offscreen, thankfully))

Linkara: Seriously?! A demon nurse?! Come on, I haven't even been in a hospital for years!

(Suddenly, the scene flashes again, and again, Linkara clutches his head in pain; another flash, and now Linkara is clutching his arm holding the gun in pain; he tries to hold it up, but it's too painful)

Linkara: (grimacing and gasping) What's going on? What's wrong with my magic gun?

90s Kid: (appearing behind him) The problem is that it exists at all, you sick freak.

(More flashing occurs, and Linkara falls down on the ground. He sees before him a black book, which he takes and looks through the pages)

Linkara: (reading) "Those who are dead are not dead. They're just living in my head. And since I fell for that spell, I have been living there as well." (turns page) "Beneath the seas, beside the flame, off the coast where the lost beast came, to bring the world misery and shame, a piece of the world is missing." (turns some more pages before finding more text) "She didn't get to Heaven, not even close." (turns page) "I didn't get to Heaven. It hurts every time I don't go to Heaven." (turns page) "They didn't love me."

(He looks toward his magic gun lying on the floor, and the truth hits him)

Linkara: My God! What did they– ...did I do?

(He looks up to see before him a girl wrapped in rope and bloody bandages, with only one eye visible behind the bandages; he gets to his feet to look at her)

Linkara (v/o): You were thirteen years when you were killed. You... (clutches his head painfully) You were sacrificed to build a weapon that the church could use against their enemies. (holds up his magic gun) This weapon. Your own parents tortured you and killed you. I'm so sorry.

(Suddenly, the girl, revealed as the Dolorem, widens her eye, causing still another flash, which sends Linkara stumbling and clutching the wall for support)

Dolorem: (not speaking) Daddy.

Linkara: You think I'm– (another flash) AGH! (clutches at himself and the wall) Oh, my God! A-Am I... The memories, the visions, the judgments... It was me.

Dolorem: (not speaking) Daddy.

(Linkara falls to the ground again)

Linkara: Everything that I did... I... I did that to my own daughter? What kind of monster am I? (looks up to Dolorem) I can never make it right. I'm so sorry.

(Feeling just miserable, he puts his magic gun to his own and pulls the trigger. The flash it fires out covers him in a bright light, with his eyes closed)

Voice: No... Partner...

(Slowly, Linkara opens his eyes)

Voice: Friend...

(Linkara's eyes are now fully, widely open; the bright light disappears, and Linkara is seen in the red light-bathed room again. He pulls the gun away from himself as the truth hits him)

Linkara: Ah! (gets to his feet) Well, that was thoroughly irritating.

(The Dolorem opens her eye again, causing anther flash, but Linkara is unfazed this time)

Linkara: (wagging his finger) Uh, uh, not going there again. (another flash) Oh, no, you don't. You've played that card, and it isn't working anymore. See, I'm not some pretty boy with marital problems. I don't have some confused psyche or unresolved parental issues. You're not dealing with a Silent Hill protagonist here! Time and again, someone got it into their head that they could defeat me. Time and again, they beat me down, they knock me out, and they try to make me give up. (starts getting enraged) You come at me with insecurities, self-doubt, and angst, and try to make me doubt who I am?! I am the man who defeated Pyramid Head! I am the man who conquered "Countdown"! I am the man who fought off the Vohrsoth and destroyed Mechakara! I am the liberator of Kickassia! I am a Starfleet captain! I am a Power Ranger! I'm That Guy With the Hat! I AM LINKARA!!

(He aims his magic gun at the Dolorem, who steps back in shock; the bad images of 90s Kid, Pollo and Harvey disappear. Meanwhile, Linkara keeps his gun trained on the Dolorem; he squints his eyes in determination)

Linkara: Who the hell are you? (Dolorem remains silent) Ah, but I think I do know who you are. The thing is, whatever you are, you're not that little girl. You're all the pain and rage and betrayal, every dark thought she never had until her parents broke her heart. You want revenge for what happened to you. (Dolorem stares) Except... you can't. Because you already got it. The people who killed that girl, the people responsible for bringing about such rage and hate are all dead! You killed them already! And that's the problem. (looks at his gun) That girl, she poured her soul into this thing. And she's gotten over it. She doesn't need you anymore! They're all dead! She has no one to hate! And if there's no one left to hate, there's no need for you, is there? (Dolorem shifts her eye around) You needed me to be the one to hate. But I don't think she hates me at all. I think we're partners. I'm sorry, I really am, but you need to go away now.

(The Dolorem looks to her side, and Linkara does likewise. He sees another demon nurse)

Linkara: Oh, come on now! Again with the nurses?!

(The nurse holds up a HUGE-ASS SWORD at him)

Linkara: Oh, that is just cheating!

(The nurse starts to swing the sword at Linkara, who fires at her with his magic gun, but she blocks it with her sword, thus not doing any damage)

Linkara: Well, fine, then! I've been wanting to try this, anyway! (raises his hand in the air) Saba!

(The Dragon Dagger appears in his hand. Then, holding the gun in one hand and the dagger in the other, he tries to attack the nurse with it, but to no avail; she raises her sword at him, and he runs out of harm's way)

Linkara: Okay, if that's how you wanna play it... (digs into his coat pocket and pulls out a Pokeball) Pyramid Head, I choose you!

(He tosses the Pokeball and the Pyramid Head emerges from it. The demon nurse recoils at what is standing before her, then swings her sword at the Pyramid Head, but he catches the sword in his hand and pulls it away from her. Then he swings his own huge-ass sword at the nurse, killing her (offscreen, so we thankfully don't see it (or even any spurting blood that we usually do see))

Linkara: (as Treguard from Knightmare) Ooh, nasty! (he turns back to the Doremon) And then there was one...

(He aims both his gun and his dagger at the Doremon at the same time; white beams shoot out from them and hit her. The Doremon screams as she is hit, then disappears. The room is returned to normal)

Linkara: Well, I guess that's the end of–

(Suddenly, he is interrupted by the sound of a strange synthesized crying sound; he looks around in confusion)

Linkara: What the...?

(Cut to a later scene: Linkara is telling Iron Liz everything that happened)

Iron Liz: So, what does it all mean?

Linkara: Who can say? All I know... All I hope is that whoever she was, she's at peace now.

Iron Liz: Well, I guess that's all we can hope for, right? So what's the deal with the book?

Linkara: (looking at book) Not a clue. I thought it was just another part of the Otherworld, but it was still around after it had faded away. I'll have to take a closer look at it when I get a chance.

Iron Liz: Was there anything else still around?

Linkara: (sighs) Yeah. I had Pollo examine the area afterwards. He detected an energy trace still lingering around. Something we've seen before. And there was something else.

(He bends down and picks up a dagger with a zigzag blade and hands it to Iron Liz)

Iron Liz: That's a Shade dagger! Which means...

Linkara: Yeah... Vyce!

(Smash cut to black, then cut to Lord Vyce's ship, where Mechakara is addressing Vyce)

Mechakara: We had him! WE HAD HIM!! He held the weapon up to his own head! He was ready to pull the trigger! He pulled the trigger! How could this have happened?!

Vyce: You underestimated him once again. And you toy with forces you do not fully comprehend. Still, I require useful tactical information about his weapons.

Mechakara: Psychological attack can work! We must try again!

Vyce: No. His will and resolve are too strong now. This act must now be through brute strength. (Mechakara rolls his eyes) Your upgrades will be completed, and fortunately, (points offscreen) I have acquired just the scientist to perform those upgrades.

(Cackling crazily, Dr. Linksano appears)

Dr. Linksano: Now, then... here's where things really get interesting. (giggles crazily some more)

(End credits roll)

Alternate joke when Whatley gets smacked by the book? "PAGING Mr. Whatley!"

Great Ending: "I am who I am" UNLOCKED.

If you don't get the thing with Bobby in the shower, look it up. The show was called Dallas and I am far, FAR too young to know these things.

(Stinger: Linkara's battle with the demon nurse is shown again)

Linkara: Okay, if that's how you want to play it... (reaches into his coat pocket, but he can't seem to pull it out) Any minute now... (the nurse (presumably played by Iron Liz) is heard laughing) Gimme a second... I mean, I had to wait for the... shield thingy...

(After struggling a bit more, Linkara hastily runs off while the nurse makes some "closing cartoon tune" noise; Linkara returns)

Linkara: Silent Hill, everybody!