Short Circuit 1 & 2
May 13, 2009
NC: Hello, I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to. We got two films to review today, kids. The goofy 1980s classics…
NC (voiceover): “Short Circuit” and “Short Circuit 2,” a strange couple of films about an annoying robot, an obnoxious actor, and a racist stereotype.
NC: We got a lot of movie to review and little time to do it in. So let’s just skip the intros and dive right in.
(“Short Circuit” begins)
NC (voiceover): Alright, no time wasting, let’s just start. The movie is about robots, so it starts off with robots being made. And there’s one in particular who we’ll be focusing on, Number 5, or as typically known, S.A.I.N.T. Number 5.
NC: I didn’t know Number 5 was a Catholic.
NC (voiceover): (as Number 5) Do you believe in the transubstantiation of the Eucharist?
(A robot uses a laser to blast an army jeep)
NC (voiceover): So we see a bunch of these S.A.I.N.T. robots as they practice blowing shit up during a military training demonstration.
(A robot blows up another army jeep)
NC: Eh, must be a Pinto.
(The jeep explodes in flames before we cut to an outdoor ceremony)
S.A.I.N.T. Robot #1: Introducing your host, Doctor Howard Marner.
Howard Marner: I want you to meet Strategic Artificially Intelligent Nuclear Transport, or “S.A.I.N.T.,” as we call it.
NC (voiceover): (as all five S.A.I.N.T. robots that salute to the audience in synchronization) Sieg heil!
NC (voiceover): (normal) It turns out these machines are built by Nova, as they look forward to having all the robots destroy evildoers, annihilate their enemies, and serve gin and tonics.
S.A.I.N.T. Robot #2: (gives Howard Marner a cocktail) Your cocktail, Dr. Marner.
Howard Marner: Thank you, Number 2.
NC (voiceover): (as Number 2) May I destroy you now?
NC (voiceover): (as Howard Marner) No, Number 2, we discussed this.
Howard Marner: (to the audience) If the question is survival, then S.A.I.N.T. is the answer. It is…quite simply the most sophisticated robot on Planet Earth.
NC: Yes, but can it love?
NC (voiceover): So you might be wondering just who made these WALL-E's of death, anyway. Well, one of them appears to be a white guy playing an Indian guy named Ben.
Ben Jabituya: Come on, hurry up. They’re waiting for you. / Funny last time I’m seeing him. He’s busy vomiting, sir. / Well, I have to go to the Jack, so you wait for me.
NC: This would be incredibly racist if they didn’t have an Indian guy playing that role. Oh, wait, they don’t, it’s a white guy. So yeah, that’s incredibly racist.
NC (voiceover): And the other inventor is Newton, played by America’s first human representation of blandness, Steve Guttenberg. He spends most of his time creating technical achievements that could revolutionize the world of machines. (laughs sarcastically) Like look! This one can give the finger! Ha ha ha!
Newton Crosby: Now, what do they need me for? To tell them each robot costs $11 million, and it kills people? Ben, a child of four could tell them that.
Ben: That is why they are leading you. (Newton laughs) Now, come on, hurry up.
Newton: Just one dance.
NC: (as Newton) Isn’t that cute? I almost leave an impression on you!
NC (voiceover): So as we can see from this public relations get-together, robots are mostly used for killing and stupid things.
NC (voiceover): (as a robot server) Please stop this constant spinning. It is an embarrassment to my talents. (Pauses) I will destroy you all.
NC (voiceover): (normal) But it turns out Guttenberg isn’t satisfied with how his machines are being used.
Howard Marner: Dr. Crosby has designed a weapon that will keep our world safe for all time.
Newton: Howard, what’s so safe about blowing people up?
NC: Now, creating a machine that can give you the finger? That’s inspired!
NC (voiceover): So as the robots are being packed up, one of them—Number 5—happens to be struck by lighting…(such a scene is shown)…which accidentally results in GETTING HIM A SOUL!
NC: (scoffs) Same thing happened to my microwave last week, and now he won’t shut the fuck up.
Microwave: (speaks offscreen) You shut up!
NC: (looks off camera left) YOU SHUT UP!
NC (voiceover): So Number 5 escapes Nova and starts roaming the outside world.
(Number 5 cuddles a dog before we cut to him traveling on an empty road)
NC (voiceover): (as Number 5) Wow, so many beautiful things to kill.
NC (voiceover): (normal) So Guttenberg and Apu are told to locate the wandering robot.
Howard Marner: It is outside the fence!
Ben: Oh, that is not the worst of it, Doctor Marner.
Howard Marner: Don’t tell me its laser is still armed.
NC: You get it? He says things wrong. It’s charming!
NC (voiceover): So the military is called in, led by that asshole from “Police Academy,” as they try to hunt down Number 5. But they don’t seem to do a very good job of it.
(A military truck rams up against Number 5 at a bridge, but the truck collides with another vehicle, letting Number 5 loose)
Construction Worker: Hey! What do you think you’re doing?!
(Number 5 goes up a small ramp over the railing of the bridge)
NC (voiceover): (as Number 5) Tell my toaster I love her!
Construction Worker: (looks over the edge) Hey!
(Number 5 opens up a parachute)
NC: The hell is this guy? James Bot?
(The James Bond theme music plays over the scene of Number 5 floating down on its parachute and landing on top of a van)
Number 5: Whoa! Oof!
NC (voiceover): So he lands on top of a van that belongs to a young woman named Stephanie, who apparently is having some relationship problems.
Frank: To tell you the truth, I thought that maybe we could patch things up. I figured you owe me some money, so I’m just here to collect—
Stephanie Speck: I owe you?
Frank: That’s right.
Stephanie: I supported you!
NC: (as Frank) Look, I’m sorry I stole your hairstyle, OK? Can’t we just talk it over?
NC (voiceover): Number 5 observes the hot female while Guttenberg and Hadji are told to find the machine and bring him back.
Newton: We’re on our way, Howard, to the great outdoors.
Ben: Newton, do you know what is out there in the great outdoors? Girls. Mmmm! With brassieres and legs! Mmm. You have a working knowledge of girls?
Newton: No, but I read about them.
NC (voiceover): So this is how Nova declares war on the world, huh? By releasing these guys. Actually, this should have been switched around. Steve Guttenberg and the Indian guy are the creations that should have escaped, and the robot is sent out to bring them back! But, oh, well. You make do with what you got. So Stephanie comes across Number 5, who she mistakes for an alien, and brings him inside.
Number 5: Malfunction. Need input.
Stephanie: Input. Alright, right, you got it. OK. This is a house. We live within it inside it. We have a floor, see? And we have the opposite of a floor, which is a ceiling.
NC: This is gonna be a LONG movie, isn’t it?
Stephanie: (turns on her stereo) Music!
Number 5: Mmm!
Stephanie: And, look at this! (She goes over to a hanging plant) This is a plant.
NC (voiceover): (as Number 5) Your taste in kitsch is terrible.
Number 5: Input!
Stephanie: I’m giving you great input.
Number 5: More input! More input! (after reading through an entire book) Ahh, input! More input!
NC: (as Number 5) I have an addiction! Input, (speaks higher-pitched as footage of him is sped up) input, input, input!
NC (voiceover): So he searches around the house for more (as Number 5) INPUT! (Normal) but begins to become a little grating for dear Stephanie.
Number 5: (pours out a box of dry noodles all over the place) Pasta, semolina, spaghetti.
(Cut to Number 5 spilling teacups onto the floor)
Stephanie: Oh, no! Oh!
NC (voiceover): (as Stephanie) You know, why don’t you just anal probe me and get it over with?
NC (voiceover): (normal) But while showing him outside, Stephanie makes an incredible discovery!
Stephanie: (reads a label on Number 5) “S.A.I.N.T. Prototype Number 5, Nova Robotics, Damon, Washington.” You’re a robot?
NC: (lightly hits the side of his head) A-doyyyyy!
Stephanie: God, I’m so stupid!
Number 5: Stupid, foolish, gullible, doltish, dumbbell, lame brain.
Stephanie: Shut up.
Number 5: Shut up, silence, hushed, sit on it!
NC: (as Number 5) Dialogue, forced, contrived, annoying, make stop, please!
NC (voiceover): So she calls Nova and lets them know that she has the robot, but that doesn’t stop them from still having a few tender moments together.
Stephanie: I said, I just called Nova, and they’re coming out to get you. They’re gonna give you a tune-up.
Number 5: Tune-up?
Stephanie: You know, to take you apart, find out what screw is loose.
Number 5: Disassemble.
(Cut to a grasshopper hopping on the grass)
Number 5: (jumps after the grasshopper) Jump!
Stephanie: Oh, that’s great. OK.
(Number 5 inadvertently squashes the grasshopper)
Number 5: Grasshopper disassemble. Reassemble.
Number 5: Reassemble.
NC: (as Number 5) Reassemble, resurrect, nephronomicon, ex mortis.
Stephanie: I can’t reassemble him. You squashed him. He’s dead.
Number 5: Dead?
NC (voiceover): He suddenly comes to the conclusion of what “disassemble” means.
Number 5: Squash. Dead. Disassemble. (Footage of a hamster running on its wheel is placed over Number 5’s head briefly) Dead. Disassemble! DEAD! (starts going amok in the backyard)
Stephanie: Hey! Slow down!
(Cut to Number 5 in Stephanie’s van and closing the driver door)
Stephanie: Hey! (tries to pry the door open, but it’s locked)
NC (voiceover): (as Number 5) Excuse me Stephanie, just having a freak-out.
(Number 5 starts driving off)
NC (voiceover): (normal) So he drives off in the car as Stephanie desperately tries to calm him down.
Stephanie: My side, over here! Quickly! The right!
Number 5: Right.
Stephanie: The right!
Number 5: Left!
NC: (as Number 5) Crash, road rage, vehicular manslaughter, disassemble the world!
NC (voiceover): So after they finally stop the car, Number 5 and Stephanie come to a stunning revelation.
Stephanie: Talk about a malfunction.
Number 5: Not malfunction, Stephanie. Number 5…is alive.
Doctor Frankenstein (from “Frankenstein”): It’s alive! It’s alive, it’s alive!
NC (voiceover): So Guttenberg and Pompadom arrive at the scene as they are shocked to discover that Number 5 was driving the whole time.
Newton: There’s no way my robot could have driven.
Stephanie: You calling me a liar?
Newton: No. No, but maybe you have amnesia.
NC: (as Newton) I’m funny! Really!
NC (voiceover): So they decide to bring the robot out and let him explain that he really is, in fact, alive.
Stephanie: (to Number 5) OK, now, you just tell them what you told me.
Number 5: Number 5 not just robot.
(A loud whistle blast is heard, and everyone turns around to see Captain Skroeder calling out to his team)
Captain Skroeder: There it is!
NC (voiceover): (as Number 5) Hey, you’re upstaging my big cinematic moment! Academy Award winning performance LOST!
(Captain Skroeder’s team members start firing at Number 5)
Newton: (stands in front of Number 5) Damn it, stop! Hold your fire!
Captain Skroeder: (to his team members) Hold your fire!
Number 5: (dwindles down to being turned off as Newton pushes a button on him) Stepha…nie.
Newton: I cut all its power. You can load it on the truck now.
Captain Skroeder: What the hell is the matter with you, you four-eyed idiots?
NC: (as Captain Skroeder) Here, we’re trying to blow shit up, and you come in trying to do…sensible things!
NC (voiceover): So they load him onto the truck and reassure Stephanie that they will never see them again.
Ben: (to Stephanie) Bye-bye, goofy woman. I enjoy repeatedly throwing you to the ground.
NC (voiceover): So they drive Number 5 away when suddenly…
(Number 5 slowly starts to wake up)
NC (voiceover): Well, wait a minute! How the hell does this work? He wakes back up? I thought they cut all his power!
Number 5: Number 5 is alive.
NC: Well, yeah, but technically, there’s no way he can actually come back to life.
Number 5: Number 5 is alive.
NC: Yeah, but even if you kill a guy, he can’t come back from the dead!
Number 5: Number 5 is alive.
NC: Alright, fine, Number 5 is alive!
Number 5: Number 5—
NC: Shut up!
NC (voiceover): So he gets out his weapons and threatens the two drivers to get out of the car or he’ll blow it to smithereens. The two of them wait on the roadside when Guttenberg comes up and approaches them later.
Ben: Hi, honey. What is for dinner?
(Canned audience laughter is heard here before we are shown an image of a fake sitcom title card labeled “Racist Indian Guy” with Ben appearing on it)
NC (voiceover): (as an announcer) “Racist Indian Guy” will be right back.
NC (voiceover): (normal) So, as you would guess, Number 5 makes it back to Stephanie’s place at a rather awkward moment.
Number 5: (sees Stephanie taking a bubble bath) Stephanie change color.
Stephanie: (grabs for a towel to cover her top) Uh…
NC: (as Number 5) Boobies! Gazongas! Jugs! Knockers! Meat baskets!
Stephanie: I know it’s not safe for you here, so…go on, get outta here. Go on.
Number 5: (opens a can of soup) Lonely bum.
Stephanie: (gets dressed in her pink bathrobe) Number 5, please! If I went to jail, who would take care of my animals? (Number 5 places a spoon in the soup can) What are you doing?
Number 5: (speaking like a commercial announcer while handing Stephanie the can of soup) “A can of soup. A meal in itself.”
Stephanie: Alright, you can stay, but just for tonight.
NC: I guess you had me at soup.
NC (voiceover): As the two of them hang out more, they discover that they have quite an intimate relationship together.
Stephanie: (while dancing with Number 5) Hey, you know what? You’re…you’re not a bad dancer.
Number 5: Dancing fool.
(As Number 5 swoons Stephanie and bends her back before continuing on dancing, we hear the song “Let's Get It On” as sung by Marvin Gaye; NC is surprised at this and continues watching in wonder and admiration; we even see him fan himself and sigh at one point)
NC: (as Stephanie) He’s like a mix between a vibrator and a man who can’t get me pregnant. This is every woman’s dream come true!
NC (voiceover): So Stephanie agrees to talk with Guttenberg at a safe location as long as he comes alone with no military. Number 5 comes with, but unfortunately, more S.A.I.N.T. robots have been sent out to destroy him.
S.A.I.N.T. Robot #1: Stay where you are, Number 5.
Number 5: (throws some mud onto the robot) Strike three!
NC: (laughs) Wow, what great military design. They can destroy trucks, jeeps, tanks, but when it comes to mud, that’s when they all fall apart.
(Number 5 picks up a rock to lift up high above him, and the S.A.I.N.T. robot ends up firing its laser onto the rock)
NC (voiceover): Oh, yeah, and rocks. Mud and rocks. That seems to be the only weaknesses of these super destructive killing machines.
Number 5: (dodges a laser that fires nearby) Holy crap!
S.A.I.N.T. Robot #2: Fire. (aims its laser at a wooden building, which lets off an explosion of sparks behind Number 5)
Number 5: Whoa! WOOO!
NC (voiceover): How can they keep missing? Were there different companies that built these pieces of shit?
(Cut to an image Number 5 and a S.A.I.N.T. robot standing; subtitles are posted next to each of them as they speak)
Number 5: Hi, I’m a Mac.
S.A.I.N.T. Robot: And I’m a PC… I can’t do crap.
(Back to the movie, where Number 5 has caught the other robots in a trap)
Number 5: (speaks like Elmer Fudd) Oh, that waps you up, you wascawy wobot!
NC (voiceover): (as Number 5) I have plenty more in my lame impressions file.
NC (voiceover): (normal) So he bursts into the bar and takes Stephanie away, running from the evil military.
Number 5: Come, Stephanie! We be German.
NC (voiceover): (as Number 5) So just keep on truckin’! Who’s the boss! I pity the fool!
Newton: Skroeder, you set me up!
Captain Skroeder: Crosby! I’m telling you right now this little fart of a robot is beginning to give me the red ass!
NC: (as Captain Skroeder, pointing to the camera) Don’t make me chew my own teeth!
NC (voiceover): So Stephanie tries one more time to reason with Guttenberg that Number 5 is alive by meeting him in the desert. He tries to think about how he can logically prove that he’s a living being by telling—what else?—a joke.
Newton: There’s a priest, a minister and a rabbi. They’re out playing golf, and they’re trying to decide how much to give to charity.
NC: It’s a trick! Nothing Guttenberg says is funny.
Newton: Whatever God wants, he keeps!
Number 5: Ohh, I get it! (laughs)
NC: Aww, he’s learned the art of humoring people. (laughs)
Newton: It’s really true! Spontaneous emotional response!
NC: (laughs) Well, it can’t flip people off, but I’m still impressed.
Number 5: I am alive, yes?
Newton: Yeah! Yes, you are!
NC (voiceover): So they realize Number 5 is alive, they (Stephanie and Newton) have themselves a kiss—even though they barely know each other—and they all live happily ever after. (Beat) Oh, yeah, except for the military that blows him up.
(A scene of the military blowing him up is shown, and the music cue after Mario from the NES version of “Super Mario Bros.” dies plays; NC shrugs)
Stephanie: (cries) Number 5!
NC (voiceover): So…yeah, that’s kind of a downer! They just kill him when they find out he’s alive. Oh, the irony. (Cut to Stephanie and Newton driving in their truck) But wait a second.
(Number 5 appears out from the floor of the back of the truck)
Number 5: Hi, honey! I’m home!
Stephanie: Number 5?
Newton: (while taking a look at the spare robot parts in the van’s storage) He made a duplicate of himself from all these spare parts!
NC: (as Number 5) Surprise, twist ending, improbable plot point, deux ex machina!
NC (voiceover): So they all ride off to live in the acres of Montana and THEN they finally live happily ever after. (Beat) That is, until “Short Circuit 2.”
NC: Unless it’s titled “Judgment Day,” I really don’t care.
(“Short Circuit 2” begins)
NC (voiceover): So in the sequel, we’re fortunate enough to be spared the eternal blandness of a Guttenberg performance, but we’re still lucky enough to get—
Ben: (picks up a wandering S.A.I.N.T. toy model off the street) Oh, you little rascal.
NC (voiceover): Aw, God.
Ben: (to walking pedestrians) This is a highly sophisticated robot for $19.95.
NC: Oh, the Indian Guy’s now selling goods on the street! That isn’t racist at all!
NC (voiceover): So it turns out Ben is the hero of this version—God, help us—as the idea head of a toy company sees his little robots and offers him money to make more.
Sandy Banatoni: We can go, maybe, um…50 [dollars] a piece?
Ben: Oh, no, I’m only charging $19.95.
Fred Ritter (Michael McKean): (interrupts) A day! To rent.
NC: (as Sandy) I’m making a deal with con artists on the street. This can’t possibly go wrong!
NC (voiceover): So he teams up with another street merchant named Fred—played by Michael McKean—as he actually manages to get a factory to manufacture all the toys. However, construction does not go well.
(A test on a S.A.I.N.T. toy model is carried out as the model zips across a table)
NC (voiceover): (as the toy model) Destroy all humans!
(The model flies off the table and breaks into pieces)
NC: Yeah, I want to cuddle that.
NC (voiceover): On top of that, there’s also bank robbers who plan to dig under the factory to steal some valuable jewels. So they politely ask our two heroes to leave.
(The bank robbers (wearing ski masks) smash the place with a crowbar and an axe)
NC: In the nicest way a crowbar can ask.
NC (voiceover): So with everything destroyed, how can they rebuild the toys? Well, their solution comes a knockin’ at the door.
Fred: (goes over to the doors with a female artificial leg in hands) Had enough deliveries for one day, pal.
NC (voiceover): (as Fred) Stand back! I have a leg and half a vagina!
NC (voiceover): (normal) Oh! It’s a package, and what should be in the package but…
(Number 5 pops out of the crate)
Number 5: Hello, bozos!
NC: Catchphrase spewing robots!
NC (voiceover): But wait, what the hell is he doing there, anyway?
Number 5: Oh, listen. (He brings up a note attached to him, clears his throat and reads it aloud in Stephanie’s voice) “Dear Ben, we decided it’d be the only way we could help was to send Number 5. He can build your toy robots. But you know how crazy he is for input, so please keep an eye on him. Good luck. Love, Stephanie and Newton.”
NC: Oh, come on. If you’re gonna do that, you might as well tell them the real reason that he’s there and they’re not.
NC (voiceover): (as Stephanie, dubbing over Number 5) “Dear Benjamin, we’re too busy and expensive to be in your spinoff. Steve is making a movie with a dog and a dolphin, and I’m starting a lackluster TV career, so we sent you this robot. Please make a movie about him. Bye!”
Number 5: Unacceptable.
NC (voiceover): So of course, Number 5—or Johnny 5, as he wants to be called now—goes to work. How does he do building toys? You be the judge.
(Four toy models dance in sync to the California Raisins song)
Johnny 5: I can’t help it! I’m in a panic! I’m frantic! And I’m… (babbles)…manic!
NC: (as Johnny 5) This scene will look great in the trailer.
NC (voiceover): So even though 5 is happy to see Ben again, he can’t help but feel like he’s not one of the crowd.
Mr. Fred Rogers: (on the TV holding a ventriloquist dummy) Hischer is a ventriloquist dummy. He isn’t alive. I’m alive. I’m a human being like you. Hischer is made of papier-mâché and wood, and except for pretend, Hischer doesn’t have feelings. I have feelings.
NC: Wow, Mr. Rogers is an asshole.
NC (voiceover): So Johnny 5 gets restless and starts roaming the city. And if you thought the Indian Guy was a horrible racist stereotype, just wait ‘til you see this.
Latino gang members: Los Locos kick your ass! Los Locos kick your face! Los Locos kick your balls into outer space!
NC (Voiceover): It’s the Dominican…Cuban…Mexican gang! And you better watch out, for they have nunchucks.
Michelangelo (from “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles”): Aw, a fellow chucker, eh?
NC (voiceover): So through some slang backtalk, Los Loco tricks Johnny 5 into stealing about a dozen car radios.
NC: Yeah, Johnny 5 is an outlaw now.
Gang Members (from "Boyz n the Hood"): (audio) Fuck that, man! One of my strap—Fuck that shit, man! Come on, let’s go.
NC (voiceover): Meanwhile, back at the factory, Ben is not very happy that Fred let Johnny out.
Ben: You lost Number Johnny 5?!
Fred: Hold it.
Ben: (shoves Fred angrily) Now you stop backing up your—
NC: (reacts in surprise and misinterprets what he said) Whoa! Did he just say “fucking”?
Ben: Now you stop backing up your—
NC: Dude, Ben, watch the potty mouth! It’s a PG, man!
NC (voiceover): (as Ben) You cock-sucking shit whore! I ought to knock your fucking ass back to “Laverne and Shirley,” you dick-sucking fucktard!
Oscar Baldwin: (enters at the factory doorway) I found this machine across the street. (Johnny 5 appears)
NC (voiceover): But luckily, Johnny 5 comes back. And just in time, too, as it turns out those goons (the two robbers) are back to try and destroy the factory.
Johnny 5: (to the robbers) Why are you angry? Why try to disassemble Johnny 5? (the robbers use their crowbar and axe to attack, but he blocks them before his eyes glow red and he turns angry) Bad humans!
NC: Oh, my God, the droid is cracked!
Jules Winnfield (from “Pulp Fiction”): (dubs over Johnny 5 as he spins the robbers around) And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee!
(Johnny 5 throws the robbers off in one direction)
NC: (as one of the robbers, looking disappointed) I can’t believe we just got our asses kicked by Robbie the Robot.
NC (voiceover): So, seeing a business opportunity, Fred actually tries to sell Johnny 5, but Johnny’s confused at just what exactly is going on.
Johnny 5: But they cannot purchase me, cannot! I am alive! (shoves Fred before moving backwards) I am endowed by my creator whose certain inalienable rights—! (goes out backwards through a window up high from a tall building and screams)
NC: (laughs) What the hell! That’s like the most accident prone robot I’ve ever seen!
(The clip of Johnny 5 going backwards through a window and falling while screaming is shown again)
NC: It’s like, “Hey, Johnny 5. You want to take out the garbage?” (The clip of Johnny 5 going backwards through a window and falling while screaming is shown again; NC reacts in surprise) Geez, I didn’t know that was gonna happen.
(Johnny 5 continues falling until he opens up a hang glider and flies to safety)
NC (voiceover): Um…no. This does not happen. A metal war machine cannot be supported by a hang glider! In what alternate universe is that possible?!
(Cut to Johnny 5 on the ground and folding up his hang glider inside himself)
NC (voiceover): (as Johnny 5) Huh. I guess they didn’t have enough money to show me land. Oh, well; Time to get into more shenanigans.
NC (voiceover): (normal) So Johnny dresses up like a mechanical flasher and continues to wander the city. He then comes across a—(Cut to the inside of a cathedral and Johnny 5 reacting in awe) Oh, no. Movie, don’t go here.
(Cut to Johnny 5 in a confession booth)
Johnny 5: (to a priest) But I’m different. I’m a—
Priest: No, no, you’re not. Now, no matter what you may have done, you are as deserving as anyone else.
NC: (as the priest, laughing) I mean, it’s not like you’re a mechanical robot or anything!
(Cut to Johnny 5 backing away from the angry priest)
Johnny 5: But I have questions! Need answers!
Priest: Fine! Then come in and confess yourself, don’t send a machine! Now, out! Get out!
Johnny 5: But… (droops his head in sadness) Ohh.
Frankenstein’s Monster (from “Frankenstein”): Friend! Friend!
NC (voiceover): So believe it or not, Johnny 5 actually gets arrested and put in jail, (speaks as though upset) just for the crime of living.
Police Officer: Alright.
Johnny 5: Oh!
(The police officer bends down to lift up Johnny 5’s trench coat to examine him)
Police Officer: This is your last chance.
NC: (as Johnny 5) I need an adult!
NC (voiceover): Ben comes around to claim him, but Johnny 5 still feels like he’s insignificant.
(Cut to Johnny 5 and Ben walking outside together on the city docks at night)
Ben: Johnny 5, you should become accustomed to this feeling, ‘cause this is the way life is being, usually. Since I am leaving India, I, too, am—
NC: Wait a minute, wait a minute. You’re from India?!
NC (voiceover): So Ben explains that he actually has a crush on the woman who’s selling their toys, and he, too, feels the loneliness that Johnny 5 is going through.
Johnny 5: I can help you!
Ben: Oh, no, no, no. I am completely un-helpable. I cannot be a fast-talking socially-type person.
Johnny 5: But in the bookstore, I scan many megabytes on male-female relationships. I could give you input!
NC: (as Johnny 5) I have a lame ‘80s sitcom solution!
NC (voiceover): So Johnny 5 decides to give Ben some advice from a mechanical sign while Ben goes on a date with Sandy. But obstacles seem to keep getting in the way.
(A bunch of balloons from a popcorn stand blocks Bens’ view of a neon sign Johnny 5 is using to help him; The sign says, “Hey you, with the popcorn!”)
Popcorn Man: (looks up to see the sign) Me?
(The sign changes to “MOVE IT!”)
Popcorn Man: OK. (moves his popcorn stand)
NC: (as the Popcorn Man) OK, God, you’re the boss.
NC (voiceover): But their cover is blown, as Ben confesses to Sandy what he was doing the whole time.
Sandy: You mean you’ve had someone prompting you?
Sandy: So that’s what’s been going on. You’ve been trying so hard. Ben, the expense alone. It’s really sweet.
NC: (as Sandy) That’s the creepiest thing I’ve ever heard in my life. (Beat) You’re charming!
NC (voiceover): So Sandy likes this…strange stalker moment, and decides to give Ben a chance.
(Cut to Ben returning to the factory with a cigarette in his hand)
Ben: (to Fred) The date was such a success. We talk-ed. (takes a female mannequin and dances with it) We dance-ed. We drank champagne.
NC: (as Ben) We did page 37 of the Karma Sutra.
NC (voiceover): But the bad guys are back, as they kidnap Ben and Fred and lock them in a Chinese restaurant. Johnny 5 is distracted as their leader, named Oscar, convinces Johnny 5 to dig through the factory and into the vault.
Johnny 5: (sings to the tune of “I’ve Been Working on the Railroad” while digging toward the vault) Johnny in the tunnel with Oscar, digging 10 feet below.
NC: (as Johnny 5) Number 5 is a…moron!
Meanwhile, through a really complicated series of explanations, Ben can only contact Sandy through phone bleeps. Not only does Sandy figure out that it’s Ben, but she actually realizes he’s in trouble, follows the songs that he’s playing through the bleeps and interprets them as directions! This woman’s a toymaker?!
NC: She should be on fucking “CSI”!
NC (voiceover): So Johnny 5 breaks in and gets the jewels for Oscar. Afraid the robot might…tell somebody, I guess, Oscar chases him down and tries to destroy him. Johnny 5 gets the drop on Oscar and tries to figure out why he’s been had.
Johnny 5: Oscar, enlighten me. Why try to disassemble Johnny 5?
(One of Oscar’s goons strikes an axe into Johnny 5’s back, making him drop Oscar)
Johnny 5: Oh, ow!
NC: (reacts in surprise) Dude!
Johnny 5: OW! (falls forward onto the ground) Not just the—(is attacked again with the axe) OW! (liquid that looks like blood (more like oil) splatters onto another goon)
NC: Oh, shit! They’re making him bleed?!
Johnny 5: Not disassemble! Am alive! Can die!
Oscar: Smash the damn thing!
(NC continues watching in disbelief)
Johnny 5: No, no! Please! I’m alive! Ow!
NC: (reaches out with one hand and speaks in a slowed-down deep voice) NOOOOOO!
Johnny 5: No! Do not kill me!
NC: (speaks in a slowed-down deep voice) JOHNNY 5!!
Oscar: It’s still moving! Get it! Hit it! Hit it!
NC: (speaks in an even lower voice) JOHNNY 5!!!
Johnny 5: NO! (his right eye is smashed by a crowbar)
NC: (normal, sobbing) NOOOO!
Johnny 5: No!
(An axe comes in contact with Johnny 5)
NC: (sobs) 5!
Oscar: Hit it! Hit it!
(Michael Corleone in “The Godfather Part III” screams in agony. NOTE: In the movie, the audio is cut out.)
Oscar: Rip it apart! Finish it off!
Johnny 5: I’m alive!
Chris Crocker (from his infamous “Leave Britney Alone!” video): (dubbed by NC) Leave him alone!
Oscar: Hit it!
NC: (sobs) YOU ANIMALS! HE’S ALREADY DEAD!
NC (voiceover): So after that…fatal blow to your childhood memory, we see Sandy rescue the guys, but then ironically get caught again by the police. Fred manages to escape and goes looking for Johnny 5.
NC: Oh, what, is he gonna be all, like, busted up or something? Is he gonna be limping, or talking funny, or…
(Johnny 5’s claw reaches up to grab the metal fence to weakly pull himself up as sad music plays; NC’s smile turns upside down)
(Johnny 5 continues to pull himself back up onto his feet and looking pretty bad; NC watches in disbelief)
NC: When did this get so freakin’ sad?!
NC (voiceover): This isn’t “Angela’s Ashes,” it’s fucking “Short Circuit”! Get a sense of humor!
Fred: (finds Johnny 5 in an alley) What did they do to you?
(Johnny 5 takes a piece of chalk and starts to write on a brick wall)
NC: Oh, good! Maybe he’ll write something uplifting, like “Still alive,” or “Hopeful,” or…
(Johnny 5 actually writes the word “Dying” on the brick wall)
NC (Voiceover): Oh, GOD! What the hell is wrong with this movie?!
NC: Did the film just go off its meds or something? I mean, lighten up!
NC (voiceover): So Fred actually does a fairly decent job getting Number 5 back together. Even though his lifespan seems to be dwindling, Johnny 5 decides it’s time to strike back.
NC (voiceover): (speaks with a movie trailer voice while the “Terminator 2” theme music plays over clips of Johnny 5”) They took away his toys. They used him as a pawn. They beat him and they left him for dead. Now, rebuilt, recharged, and incredibly pissed off, Johnny Number 5 is ready to kick some FLABBY…WHITE…ASS. (Accompanying text is shown onscreen over Oscar) Johnny Number 5 in, “I Robot, You Dead.” (The title appears onscreen) No more Mr. Nice Bot, it’s all or nothing.
Fred: What do you think you’re gonna do?
Johnny 5: Pursue, capture, incarcerate.
NC: (in a movie trailer voice) Nothing can stop him. Nothing would dare.
Fred: You’re never gonna find him, they’re long gone.
Johnny 5: Find them, I will.
Ben: He is leaking, he will run out of power, and he will die!
NC: (in movie trailer voice) He doesn’t need battery fluid. VENGEANCE IS HIS FUEL! (Accompanying text appears onscreen)
Johnny 5: Let’s party.
NC: (in movie trailer voice) “I Robot, You Dead,” now playing. (beat) Currently.
NC (voiceover): (normal) So after Johnny 5 takes care of the two goons, he sees that Oscar is getting away. He decides to head him off at the pass. (The musical score starts to play Bonnie Tyler's "Holding Out for a Hero" in the background) And by the way, I’m not playing that music. That’s really what they're playing.
Johnny 5: No, Oscar! No!
(Cut to Johnny swinging down onto Oscar while hanging from a crane and grabs him off the boat)
Johnny 5: Oscar! You will not get away!
NC (voiceover): Never has a battle between a mechanical death machine and a frumpy old fat man seemed so epic!
Oscar: (after landing on the opposite of the dock and into a garbage dump) What are you? Punishment from God?
NC: God is not here. There is only… (camera close-up on his face and speaks in a booming voice that echoes) FIVE!
NC (voiceover): So it appears Johnny 5 is dying. Oh, no. What’s the only solution to bring him back? Shock the hell out of his crotch! That’ll wake him up!
(Electric bolts swarm all over Johnny after being shocked by Ben)
NC: Johnny 5? (Johnny 5’s eyes are still shut) Johnny 5? (Johnny 5 finally opens his eyes, and NC raises his arms in joy as we hear the “Hallelujah!” chorus in the background)
NC (voiceover): So not only is Johnny 5 brought back to life, but he’s given a new golden C-3PO suit and actually sworn in as an American citizen. That’s quite a stretch, movie.
Reporter: Mr. 5, Mr. 5. Tell us how you feel.
Johnny 5: How do I feel?
NC: Say it with him now.
Johnny 5: I feel alive! (jumps high into the air in joy as the film freezes on his pose)
NC: (as Johnny 5) Alive! (mocks Johnny 5’s frozen pose but quickly scratches the underside of his arm before returning to his pose)
NC (voiceover): And that’s “Short Circuit 1 and 2.” Phew! What a rush.
NC: So, how do these movies hold up?
(Clips and images from “Short Circuit 1 and 2” are shown as NC speaks)
NC (voiceover): Well, I have to be honest. While they are technically bad movies, I do have to admit that I actually do kind of enjoy them. Johnny 5 is actually kind of likeable and even Ben—for as racist as he is—is actually kind of likeable, too. It’s a guilty pleasure to say the least. It’s silly, but it’s an enjoyable kind of silly.
NC: Now if you’ll excuse me, I still have some issues to settle with my microwave leaving the lights on last night.
Microwave: (speaks off-screen) It was your turn, dick-munch!
NC: (looks off camera right) DON’T START WITH ME! (to the camera) I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to.
Microwave: Remember how full of shit you are.
NC: Oh, you know what? (readies his gun and gets up to leave) Give me a reason! Give me a reason!