So, I’m sitting there, tending bar, when in walks someone I haven’t seen in a while, Sheik.
Now, Sheik’s a really nice bloke. Kinda keeps to himself. Doesn’t talk much.
And one day, he sits down and he orders a Vodka on the rocks.
And he looks at me and he says, “You know what I love about Vodka?”
And I say, “Do tell.”
And he says, “You can see right through it.”
And I said, “What exactly do you mean by that, sir?”
And he says, “Well, appearances can be very deceiving, can’t they?”
And then Sheik proceeds to take off his mask and show that Sheik in fact wasn’t a ‘he’ at all. ‘He’ was a ‘she.’ Not just a ‘she,’ a royal ‘she.’ It was Princess Zelda.
Well, that took me totally by surprise!
I says, “Your highness! What are you doing? Why are you dressing up like this?”
And she said, “Well, at first it started off as a means of survival.”
There was this really long story about this guy who looked like a pig. I couldn’t quite follow it. But, it’s not very epic anyway.
And she said, “Well, people, when they think you’re a guy, they treat you different. You know, they don’t act like you’re royalty or anything.”
And I said, “You are royalty.”
And she says, “I know. That’s not the point. It’s that they treat you like you’re an individual. I mean, it’s one thing to be female or to be royalty. But, when you’re both, people look at you a little differently.”
“So,” she says, “you really get used to wearing the men’s clothing and talking in a deep voice.”
And, of course, I asked her, I said, “Well, what about Link? Does he know about this?”
And she says, “No. No, he’d kill me if he found out about this.”
And I say, “Well, I mean, don’t you think you should tell him? This is kind of a big ol’ deal.”
And she says, “No, he’s got kinda his own issues to work out.”
And I say, “What do you mean?”
She says, “Well, not everybody in my kingdom wears a skirt, if you know what I mean.”
And I say, “Oh, oh. He doesn’t really wear the pants in the relationship?”
She says, “He has never worn pants! ‘I’ve’ worn pants more than he has.”
She says she probably wanted to defend yourself, because being kidnapped so many times can really go to your head.
“Have you heard about Peach?” she asked.
And I said, “Oh yeah. Yeah, I know about Peach.”
So, we chat a little longer, you know. Just what it’s like to be a woman and to be a man, I guess. And, all of the sudden, out of nowhere, Link enters the room. So, we both freeze. We don’t move a muscle. And he sits down right next to her. Right next to her!
And he looks at me and says, “Get me a Grasshopper.” He has a thing for green. I don’t know what it is. A fetish, maybe. I don’t know.
So, I go and I make him his drink and he starts getting… pretty close to Sheik. Like uncomfortably close.
He puts his hand on Sheik’s back and he says, “Hey there, buddy. You come here often?”
And Sheik, donning her lower voice, says, “No.”
And he says, “Well, I think a tall, handsome drink of water like you should come by here more often.”
So, I decided to but in a little bit and I say, “You know, Mr. L, that might not be the, um, the best idea.”
And he says, “Cool it, bartender. I got this.”
So, he starts rubbing his hand and he says, “So, you live around here?”
Of course, I can’t imagine what’s going on in Zelda’s head right now, but, um…
But she stays in character as Sheik and says, “Don’t you have a, uh, girlfriend? A, uh… certain royal girlfriend?”
And Link says, “Oh, Zelda! Yeah, yeah. But, um… I mean, we, um… We got an understanding.”
And Sheik, in a very angry tone, says, “What kind of understanding?”
And he says, “Well… you know… she, uh… She kinda lets my sword swing both ways, if you know what I mean.”
And Sheik, of course, says, “Really? Well, does this happen often?”
And Link says, “All the time! She’s… She’s totally cool about it! Totally cool.”
Now, this is about as uncomfortable as you can possibly get. I mean, the tension… you could cut it with a Master Sword. I mean, it was totally insane.
And Sheik, again staying in character, says, “So, you’ve been with other men?”
And he says, “Oh, yeah. Yeah, plenty of men.”
And Sheik asks, “Well, who exactly?”
And he says, “Oh, all the greats! Kid Icarus, Luigi, the entire cast of Fire Emblem.” There was also a brief thing with Qubert at one point, but he didn’t seem to want to go into it that much.
So, Sheik, looking like she’s ready to rip his head off, says, “So, you’ve been with all these men?”
He says, “Yeah! Sometimes we do it three at a time! The Triforce of Love, we called it! Oh, you couldn’t get a better three-way in San Francisco!”
“And they say all fairies have wings,” he says.
So, he grabs Sheik’s hand and he says, “So, what do ya say, guy? Wanna get in and play my magic flute?”
It was just then that Sheik took off her disguise to show who she really was.
…I think Link wet himself. It was pretty embarrassing. You could see it going down his tights.
And they just stood there looking at each other for three minutes. I timed it! Three minutes. Not a word, eye to eye, looking at each other.
And so, Link finally broke the silence and said, “You must think I’m Link! No! I’m the… evil Link from the dark world! Yes, yes! And since everything is opposite in the dark world---”
She kneed him in the crotch after that. She had enough.
Zelda then put her costume back on and stormed out of the bar.
I say, “Mrs. Z, what about your drink?”
And she said, “He’ll pay for it,” and stormed out the door.
Well, Link slowly climbed up back to the bar, looked at me, gave a little shrug and said, “Women. Can’t live with ‘em… Can’t sleep with em. Heh.”
I didn’t laugh at that.
So, he sat there, crossing his legs, when all of the sudden, right next to him, Samus sat down in her battle gear.
Link starts to move in really close and he says, “Well, hey, you handsome, tall drink of water. You come here often?”
Samus then took off her helmet.
Link turned the other way and said, “Never mind.”
Some people never learn. Maybe some people don’t want to learn. I don’t know.
|Transcripts for Video Game Confessions|
|2009:||MarioVGC · SonicVGC · SheikVGC · SamusVGC· PacmanVGC· LaraVGC· ConventionsVGC|
|2010:||DonkeyKongVGC · Duke NukemVGC · FoxMcCloudVGC· SnakeVGC · Snake Follow Up · Chell from Portal · Bonk|
|2011:||PrincessDaisyVGC · AngryBirdsVGC|
|DVD Exclusive:||BlankaVGC · FeliciaVGC · MegamanVGC · Sub-ZeroVGC|