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Shape of You

Shape of you tits

Date Aired
April 5, 2017
Running Time
12:57
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Todd plays "Shape of You" on the piano

ED SHEERAN - SHAPE OF YOU

A pop song review

Todd: Ed, what are you doing?

Video for "Shape of You"
Ed: Grab on my waist
And put that body on me
Come on now, follow my lead

Todd: I-I don't want a sex song from you, Ed!

Ed: I'm in love with the shape of you

Todd (VO): Do you not realize you're, you know [pic of Ed making a goofy face] that Ed Sheeran?! Did you lose a bet? No one was like, "I bet Ed Sheeran's got a really good, freaky sex jam in him. He should write that."

Ed: And last night, you were in my room
And now my bedsheets smell like you

Todd: Ugghhhh.

Ed: I'm in love with your body

Todd (VO): Okay, before we start analyzing the adventures of Ed Sheeran: sex-haver [another pic of Ed, with the caption "I JUST HAD SEX!"], let me zoom way out here, 'cause there's this idea I've been batting around in my head.

Todd: See, I started reviewing pop songs around the start of the decade.

Clips of Lady Gaga - "Bad Romance"...

Todd (VO): And that turned out to be good timing, 'cause the 2010s were a really strong time for [...and Katy Perry - "Firework"] pop music. And if you're thinking like, "well pop music is just what's popular, isn't every time a good time for pop music?"

Todd: Eh, not really. I mean, there's always pop songs, but that doesn't make it what people actually think about or remember, I mean...

Brief clip of a performance by...

Todd (VO): ...you think of the mid-90s, you're probably gonna think of Nirvana or Tupac before you think of Celine Dion or Ace of Base.

Todd: But the 2010s? Aw yeah, man.

Clips of LMFAO ft. Lauren Bennett & GoonRock - "Party Rock Anthem"...

Todd (VO): Best decade for pop music since the 80s, and that brief blip in the late 90s. Even when it was shit, and it was awful shit, [...and Pitbull ft. Ne-Yo, Afrojack & Nayer - "Give Me Everything"] it was dominant shit, you couldn't not think about it. People asked me what it takes to become a successful pop music reviewer, and my answer is this: start in 2010, it's a gold mine.

Todd: Absolutely do not start now, 'cause... yeah, I think that's done.

Clip of Twenty One Pilots - "Heathens"

Todd (VO): I look at the pop charts, and everything's just trending downward. Pop music doesn't have the power and force it used to, it sounds sickly and dying.

Todd: Which isn't necessarily a bad thing, I mean I like [album cover for Viva Hate by Morrissey] sickly, dying music.

Todd (VO): But my point is, it doesn't really feel big anymore. Not if we can have charts dominated by [brief clips of "Bad and Boujee" by...] Migos, which is not pop, [..."I Don't Wanna Live Forever" by...] or Zayn, which is grim, lifeless garbage pop, [...and back to "Shape of You"] or Ed over here, which is kinda both. He's a non-pop artist, doing a limp ass pop single, 'cause... 'cause, you know, new record, needed a single. I don't know what people are gonna think of when they look back at 2017, but I really don't think it's gonna be this.

Ed: I'm singin' like
Girl, you know I want your love
Your love was handmade for somebody like me

Todd (VO): Yup. Again, that is Ed Sheeran, who looks like a grown-up [pic of...] Chuckie from Rugrats, singing about sex. Who the hell told him he should be trying to be a legit...

Todd: ...pop star? Who told him that's a good idea? [beat] Oh, right. Me.

Clip from The Top Ten Best Hit Songs of 2014"
Ed: It's late in the evening
Todd: Congratulations Ed, you get the "most improved" trophy of 2014. Good on you, Ed. Keep it up.

Todd (VO): Boy, there's a fairly sharp regret. Okay, I'm gonna have to try and backpedal here to explain why Ed Sheeran going pop was okay three years ago but it isn't now. First off, those songs were good, but this is bad. I honestly don't feel like I have to add to that. It's pretty self-evident, right? If I really had to quantify what he had back then that he doesn't now, here:

Yeah, that's right. Pharrell is such a good producer he made Ed Sheeran sound like Justin Timberlake. At the time I thought Ed Sheeran might deserve a little credit, but nope. Turns out it was all Pharrell. It turns out Pharrell is not just a guy you replace with some jerkoff. Who did produce thi- Yeah, yeah. Naturally. When you think hot beats you need this mixmaster.

The fact that he not only tried to write and sing, but produce a hot n spicy pop joint by himself? That's a pretty good sign of what went wrong here. The big problem is I think Ed Sheeran's starting to believe his own hype. Besides Pharrell, Ed Sheeran had one other huge secret weapon in 2014: novelty!

First time I heard this song I was like, "Whaaaa?! Ed Sheeran singing a dance song?" Now though? Been there, done that. If you wanna interest me now, make a death metal song or something.

It doesn't help that the beat is so weak. It's not like he usually makes songs like this and he's clearly not good at it. What made him want to make a song that sounds like this?

...

Rihanna? Play it again.

Wait a minute, that song was written for Rihanna too! Apparently when you write a song with a 3-3-2 beat, it belongs to Rihanna by default.

Okay so when you say it would work for Rihanna, you mean you ripped off two of the biggest hits of last year. Look those are both fun songs but they both have kind of dark sounding music. It gives Rihanna and Sia, much more interesting singers, something to push off against. "Cheap Thrills" is about finding a way to have a good time even when you're dead broke, and "Work" is a song about powering through overwhelming stress. These are songs that use the downbeat-ness of 2016 to its advantage. But Ed Sheeran isn't playing off anything like that to make it work. There's no contrast like that in "Shape of You". The lyrics just kind of sit there flat. Y'know the lyrics which are about Ed Sheeran having sex.

God, I don't wanna think about this. Is there anything else we can look at first? Video! Video! Gotta look at that video! I mean look at that. I told you he was buying his own hype. Like I'm supposed to believe Ed goddamn Sheeran as this badass, hard-training prizefighter. In the "Sing" video he's a literal muppet because who would buy the real Ed Sheeran doing any of this stuff? But Ed Sheeran as a boxer? It's like he's trying to be a...

Oh no.

No wonder this sucks. You aren't Adam Levine, Sheeran, and it wouldn't even be a good thing if you were. At least Levine is buff enough to pull this off. He's basically an underwear model who occasionally sings now.

Meanwhile, this is you.

What makes you think you can pull this off? Why would anyone-

Ok. Ok, you got me. You got me, Ed Sheeran. That was, that was funny. That was pretty funny. The song's still terrible.

Ugh, okay. We have to get into it. Let's talk about Ed Sheeran having... sex.

Transcript in progress...

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