Shape of You
April 5, 2017
Todd plays "Shape of You" on the piano
ED SHEERAN - SHAPE OF YOU
A pop song review
Todd: Ed, what are you doing?
- Video for "Shape of You"
- Ed: Grab on my waist
- And put that body on me
- Come on now, follow my lead
Todd: I-I don't want a sex song from you, Ed!
- Ed: I'm in love with the shape of you
Todd (VO): Do you not realize you're, you know [pic of Ed making a goofy face] that Ed Sheeran?! Did you lose a bet? No one was like, "I bet Ed Sheeran's got a really good, freaky sex jam in him. He should write that."
- Ed: And last night, you were in my room
- And now my bedsheets smell like you
- Ed: I'm in love with your body
Todd (VO): Okay, before we start analyzing the adventures of Ed Sheeran: sex-haver [another pic of Ed, with the caption "I JUST HAD SEX!"], let me zoom way out here, 'cause there's this idea I've been batting around in my head.
Todd: See, I started reviewing pop songs around the start of the decade.
- Clips of Lady Gaga - "Bad Romance"...
Todd (VO): And that turned out to be good timing, 'cause the 2010s were a really strong time for [...and Katy Perry - "Firework"] pop music. And if you're thinking like, "well pop music is just what's popular, isn't every time a good time for pop music?"
Todd: Eh, not really. I mean, there's always pop songs, but that doesn't make it what people actually think about or remember, I mean...
- Brief clip of a performance by...
Todd (VO): ...you think of the mid-90s, you're probably gonna think of Nirvana or Tupac before you think of Celine Dion or Ace of Base.
Todd: But the 2010s? Aw yeah, man.
- Clips of LMFAO ft. Lauren Bennett & GoonRock - "Party Rock Anthem"...
Todd (VO): Best decade for pop music since the 80s, and that brief blip in the late 90s. Even when it was shit, and it was awful shit, [...and Pitbull ft. Ne-Yo, Afrojack & Nayer - "Give Me Everything"] it was dominant shit, you couldn't not think about it. People asked me what it takes to become a successful pop music reviewer, and my answer is this: start in 2010, it's a gold mine.
Todd: Absolutely do not start now, 'cause... yeah, I think that's done.
- Clip of Twenty One Pilots - "Heathens"
Todd (VO): I look at the pop charts, and everything's just trending downward. Pop music doesn't have the power and force it used to, it sounds sickly and dying.
Todd: Which isn't necessarily a bad thing, I mean I like [album cover for Viva Hate by Morrissey] sickly, dying music.
Todd (VO): But my point is, it doesn't really feel big anymore. Not if we can have charts dominated by [brief clips of "Bad and Boujee" by...] Migos, which is not pop, [..."I Don't Wanna Live Forever" by...] or Zayn, which is grim, lifeless garbage pop, [...and back to "Shape of You"] or Ed over here, which is kinda both. He's a non-pop artist, doing a limp ass pop single, 'cause... 'cause, you know, new record, needed a single. I don't know what people are gonna think of when they look back at 2017, but I really don't think it's gonna be this.
- Ed: I'm singin' like
- Girl, you know I want your love
- Your love was handmade for somebody like me
Todd (VO): Yup. Again, that is Ed Sheeran, who looks like a grown-up [pic of...] Chuckie from Rugrats, singing about sex. Who the hell told him he should be trying to be a legit...
Todd: ...pop star? Who told him that's a good idea? [beat] Oh, right. Me.
- Clip from The Top Ten Best Hit Songs of 2014"
- Ed: It's late in the evening
- Todd: Congratulations Ed, you get the "most improved" trophy of 2014. Good on you, Ed. Keep it up.
Todd (VO): Boy, there's a fairly sharp regret. Okay, I'm gonna have to try and backpedal here to explain why Ed Sheeran going pop was okay three years ago but it isn't now. First off, those songs were good, but this is bad. I honestly don't feel like I have to add to that. It's pretty self-evident, right? If I really had to quantify what he had back then that he doesn't now, here:
Yeah, that's right. Pharrell is such a good producer he made Ed Sheeran sound like Justin Timberlake. At the time I thought Ed Sheeran might deserve a little credit, but nope. Turns out it was all Pharrell. It turns out Pharrell is not just a guy you replace with some jerkoff. Who did produce thi- Yeah, yeah. Naturally. When you think hot beats you need this mixmaster.
The fact that he not only tried to write and sing, but produce a hot n spicy pop joint by himself? That's a pretty good sign of what went wrong here. The big problem is I think Ed Sheeran's starting to believe his own hype. Besides Pharrell, Ed Sheeran had one other huge secret weapon in 2014: novelty!
First time I heard this song I was like, "Whaaaa?! Ed Sheeran singing a dance song?" Now though? Been there, done that. If you wanna interest me now, make a death metal song or something.
It doesn't help that the beat is so weak. It's not like he usually makes songs like this and he's clearly not good at it. What made him want to make a song that sounds like this?
Rihanna? Play it again.
Wait a minute, that song was written for Rihanna too! Apparently when you write a song with a 3-3-2 beat, it belongs to Rihanna by default.
Okay so when you say it would work for Rihanna, you mean you ripped off two of the biggest hits of last year. Look those are both fun songs but they have kind of dark sounding music. It gives Rihanna and Sia, much more interesting singers, something to push off against.
Transcript in progress...