Shape of You
April 5, 2017
Todd plays "Shape of You" on the piano
ED SHEERAN - SHAPE OF YOU
A pop song review
Todd: Ed, what are you doing?
- Video for "Shape of You"
- Ed: Grab on my waist
- And put that body on me
- Come on now, follow my lead
Todd: I-I don't want a sex song from you, Ed!
- Ed: I'm in love with the shape of you
Todd (VO): Do you not realize you're, you know [pic of Ed making a goofy face] that Ed Sheeran?! Did you lose a bet? No one was like, "I bet Ed Sheeran's got a really good, freaky sex jam in him. He should write that."
- Ed: And last night, you were in my room
- And now my bedsheets smell like you
- Ed: I'm in love with your body
Todd (VO): Okay, before we start analyzing the adventures of Ed Sheeran: sex-haver [another pic of Ed, with the caption "I JUST HAD SEX!"], let me zoom way out here, 'cause there's this idea I've been batting around in my head.
Todd: See, I started reviewing pop songs around the start of the decade.
- Clips of Lady Gaga - "Bad Romance"...
Todd (VO): And that turned out to be good timing, 'cause the 2010s were a really strong time for [...and Katy Perry - "Firework"] pop music. And if you're thinking like, "well pop music is just what's popular, isn't every time a good time for pop music?"
Todd: Eh, not really. I mean, there's always pop songs, but that doesn't make it what people actually think about or remember, I mean...
- Brief clip of a performance by...
Todd (VO): ...you think of the mid-90s, you're probably gonna think of Nirvana or Tupac before you think of Celine Dion or Ace of Base.
Todd: But the 2010s? Aw yeah, man.
- Clips of LMFAO ft. Lauren Bennett & GoonRock - "Party Rock Anthem"...
Todd (VO): Best decade for pop music since the 80s, and that brief blip in the late 90s. Even when it was shit, and it was awful shit, [...and Pitbull ft. Ne-Yo, Afrojack & Nayer - "Give Me Everything"] it was dominant shit, you couldn't not think about it. People asked me what it takes to become a successful pop music reviewer, and my answer is this: start in 2010, it's a gold mine.
Todd: Absolutely do not start now, 'cause... yeah, I think that's done.
- Clip of Twenty One Pilots - "Heathens"
Todd (VO): I look at the pop charts, and everything's just trending downward. Pop music doesn't have the power and force it used to, it sounds sickly and dying.
Todd: Which isn't necessarily a bad thing, I mean I like [album cover for Viva Hate by Morrissey] sickly, dying music.
Todd (VO): But my point is, it doesn't really feel big anymore. Not if we can have charts dominated by [brief clips of "Bad and Boujee" by...] Migos, which is not pop, [..."I Don't Wanna Live Forever" by...] or Zayn, which is grim, lifeless garbage pop, [...and back to "Shape of You"] or Ed over here, which is kinda both. He's a non-pop artist, doing a limp ass pop single, 'cause... 'cause, you know, new record, needed a single. I don't know what people are gonna think of when they look back at 2017, but I really don't think it's gonna be this.
- Ed: I'm singin' like
- Girl, you know I want your love
- Your love was handmade for somebody like me
Todd (VO): Yup. Again, that is Ed Sheeran, who looks like a grown-up [pic of...] Chuckie from Rugrats, singing about sex. Who the hell told him he should be trying to be a legit...
Todd: ...pop star? Who told him that's a good idea? [beat] Oh, right. Me.
- Clip from The Top Ten Best Hit Songs of 2014"
- Ed: It's late in the evening
- Todd: Congratulations Ed, you get the "most improved" trophy of 2014. Good on you, Ed. Keep it up.
Todd (VO): Boy, there's a fairly sharp regret.
Transcript in progress...