And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "Sex And The City."
OH MY GOD, THIS IS THE GREATEST MOVIE I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!
I have never seen so many women in one spot at one time.
And I don't mean in the movie. I mean in the movie theater!
There were so many women there!
And I was the only guy.
It was kind of scary!
I felt very uncomfortable.
You'd think having so many women in one place would be great.
But it's not!
It's like somebody made a movie about a sale on shoes.
Every other second is like, "Yap yap yap! Yap yap yap!"
But the movie was good!
It stars that actress that every woman thinks is a sex symbol.
But every guy thinks she's...not.
And they have fun going shopping.
Talking about relationships.
And walking in straight lines.
All at the same time!
So, it looks like Carrie Bradshaw is getting married.
I can't believe it! Someone actually won her heart!
And all her friends are like, "Ahhhhhh!"
And then they're like, "We have to go shopping! And talk about relationships! And walk in straight lines!"
But at the last minute, the guy backs out.
Men! They're all the same!
Always afraid of commitment!
A woman's heart is like a valuable jewel!
It has to be taken care of!
Except on...certain times of the month.
Then you don't touch it!
You stay as far away as humanly possible!
So, they're crying. (Mimics crying)
Then they're laughing. (Laughs)
Then they're crying. (Mimics crying again)
Then they're laughing. (Laughs again)
It was like Estogen: The Movie!
And then they start talking.
And then, uh...talking.
And the big shocker at the end: Talking!
There was so much talking!
Wait! There is one scene that didn't have talking.
It's when this guy is giving a gift to his wife.
And it's not really his dick in a box.
It's a box in his dick.
I'm gonna do that when I give a gift to my girlfriend!
If I ever have the money to get a gift.
Or a girlfriend.
How much are girlfriends usually?
Everybody tells me they're free.
If that's the case, how come I have such a hard time getting one?!
So, I don't really remember much about the movie.
All I remember is how much fun the women had watching it.
They were laughing and crying and talking.
And somehow I walked out with a Gucci purse.
How the hell did I walk out with a Gucci purse??
And...high heel shoes?? Somehow, I walked out of there with high heel shoes!
How is that humanly possible?!
Guys, don't see this movie!
It actually turns you into a woman somehow!
Why do I suddenly have an urge to watch "The Golden Girls?"
(Sniffs shoe) Mmm, smells like femininity.
This is Chester A. Bum saying CHANGE?? Ya got change?! Aw c'mon, help a guy out, will ya?! C'mon, change!
Wait a minute. I have a Gucci purse! Never mind! I'm off to a pawn shop!