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Season of the Commercials (Anyway On We Go)
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Release Date
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November 20, 2024
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Running Time
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33:37
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Video
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(NC is sitting in his office, wearing his "I 🍩 Donuts" t-shirt.)
NC: All right, on we go! (suddenly holds up index finger) Oh, wait a minute...
(He puts his hands together and lowers his head in a prayer position. He then disappears in a puff of cartoonish blue smoke. He then reappears the same way.)
NC: There, I teleported back (holds up two fingers) two videos ago to shout "COMMERCIALS!" Always got to do it earlier and earlier. (Then a thought comes to him.) I wonder what I'm gonna do next year...
(Suddenly, NC's door opens, and a second NC runs in and sees his doppelganger.)
Second NC: COMMERCIALS! (runs off)
NC: Huh. Guess I traveled back a whole year. Not sure how I'm gonna top that. Anyway, on we go.
(And as always, per tradition, we are shown the ABC "After These Messages" Saturday morning bumpers montage.)
Three Clay Singers: ♫ After these messages...
Clay Fire Hydrant: ♫ After these messages...
Clay Cowboy: ♫ After these messages...
Clay Dog: ♫ After these messages...
(The title "Anyway On We Go" is shown.)
Three Clay Singers: (audio) ♫ ...we'll be right back! ♫
Diet Pepsi with Ray Charles[]
(TV static transition to: A Diet Pepsi commercial. It opens with Ray Charles finishing up a song on the piano and turning to the camera.)
Charles: You know when you got it right, you got it right.
NC (vo): So this one starts off harmless enough. It's music legend Ray Charles saying how much he loves Diet Pepsi when someone switches it out with a Diet Coke, resulting in this reaction...
Charles: All right, now, who's the wise guy? (laughs)
NC: Of course, they switch it back with Diet Pepsi, and Ray Charles says...
Charles: Now, that's the right one, baby.
(As he says this, Diet Pepsi's slogan at the time is shown: "Taste Drive".)
NC (vo; as person handing Charles' drink): Actually, it's deer piss. (as Charles) Tastes the same, baby. (normal again) Cute. Honestly, you wouldn't think too much about it.
NC: But for some reason, Pepsi thought we saw this as our new anthem.
(Another Pepsi commercial with Ray Charles is shown. He is playing the Diet Pepsi jingle on a piano.)
Charles: ♫ You know when it's right...
NC (vo): So they had Ray Charles write an anthem, representing the voice of millions of people saying, "Oh, is that still a thing?"
(And then the ad gets going as a full orchestra, dancers, and a trio of female backup singers appear behind Charles to join in his song.)
Backup singers: ♫ Diet Pepsi, uh-huh, uh-huh...
Charles: ♫ You got the right one, baby...
NC: I can't really diss this song because it is catchy, but it's how bizarrely massive they made these ads.
Backup singers: ♫ Uh-huh! You got...
NC (vo): At no point in history has this made people ever gotten together to celebrate Diet Pepsi.
Backup singers: ♫ Uh-huh!
Charles: ♫ Uh-huh!
Backup singers: ♫ Uh-huh!
Charles: ♫ Uh-huh! ♫
NC (vo): They got an orchestra, dancers, backup singers called the Uh-Huh Girls, which sounds like an OnlyFans band. My God, the world was celebrating people's indifference to this aspartame-liquid Styrofoam!
Charles: (to the Uh-Huh Girls) Do you think it's caught on yet?
(Apparently, it has, as we are shown a montage of people from all over the world singing this jingle, starting with people in China.)
Chinese people: ♫ Uh-huh, uh-huh, you got the right one, baby... ♫
(This is then followed by another group of people, this one in a temple, presumably in Southeast Asia, filled with monks as they meditate to the tune of the jingle.)
NC (vo): This temple is reserved only for the most sacred of deities (The Diet Pepsi logo is inserted.) and diet-ies.
(Next, we are shown a gospel choir singing this song.)
Gospel choir: You got the right one, baby...
(Then we see a group of Japanese geishas. One addresses the rest.)
Geisha: Irresistibly sippable, uncontestably...
(Then we cut to a Native American on horseback standing by the edge of what looks like the Grand Canyon.)
Native American: ...tastable and eminently wonderful.
NC: It extended to places we didn't even know got Diet Pepsi!
(More clips of the ad are shown, showing the jingle being played in other places like Africa, China, Naboo, Mordor, and an unknown location in some unknown Disney movie (actually, the Pride Lands from The Lion King). Then the real ad continues as we cut to a Super Bowl game in progress, with the fans all joining in. One football player, however, tries to call a timeout.)
NC (vo): Even the players at Super Bowl are like, "Time out! Can you get this Diet Pepsi movement under control? I am an artist perfecting my craft!"
(Still another ad is shown, with various classic celebrities.)
NC (vo): Celebrities were joining the movement, like Jerry Lewis, Buddy Hackett (...who is wearing lederhosen and playing an accordion for some reason) ...presumably just showing up like this, Weird Al traveling through time (actually Tiny Tim), the Beastie Boys...
NC: This was truly the voice of a generation if you were born in the '20s!
(Another ad is shown, showing people drinking Diet Pepsi, all speaking in Ray Charles' voice.)
Man in suit: I'm a changed man.
Old woman: This is the right one, baby.
Hotel clerk: It's got a hold on me.
NC: (about the clerk) I think that is where Andy Dick is working right now.
NC (vo): The movement extended so far, even Congress got involved!
(Another ad is shown, showing a session of Congress is going on. One Congressman is addressing the Uh-Huh Girls.)
Congressman: Do you have any knowledge of a secret ingredient in Diet Pepsi?
Uh-Huh Girls: Uh-huh.
NC: I miss the '90s, when our biggest political problems were this and (An image of Cobra Commander from G.I. Joe is shown in the corner.) Cobra.
Congressman: An ingredient that gives Diet Pepsi an unfair advantage?
Uh-Huh Girls: Uh-huh.
NC (vo; as Congressman): Also, are you now or have you ever been a Communist? (as the Uh-Huh Girls) We're just pushing for the absence of private property and social classes.
Congressman: (to Ray Charles) Would you tell us what this ingredient is?
Charles: Uh-huh.
Congressman: (standing up) Well? What is it?!
(The table that Charles is sitting suddenly lifts up, revealing it to be the lid of a piano.)
NC: Jesus! I thought he flipped the table for a second!
Congressman: What is it?!
NC (vo; as Charles): My goddamn foot up your ass!
(Congress turns into the show scene from the first ad, with the Uh-Huh Girls and a bunch of dancers joining in the jingle yet again.)
Uh-Huh Girls: ♫ Uh-huh... ♫
(The Congressmen and women join in.)
NC: But perhaps the biggest sign that this changed the world is when "uh-huh" officially became...an ingredient.
Charles: ♫ You got the right one, baby! ♫
(The following words (and the Diet Pepsi logo) pop up, which the commercial announcer reads...)
Commercial Announcer: With 100% uh huh [sic].
NC (vo): Food scientists could no longer dispute it. They even listed it with the other nutritional facts.
(The ending of another ad is shown.)
Uh-Huh Girls: ♫ Uh-huh! ♫
Commercial Announcer: With 100% uh huh.
(Now cut to the ending of a third ad.)
Uh-Huh Girls: ♫ Uh-huh! ♫
Commercial Announcer: With 100% uh huh.
(Now the ending of a fourth ad is shown.)
Uh-Huh Girls: ♫ Uh-huh! ♫
(The ad pauses as an image of Jim Carrey on Late Night with Conan O'Brien is shown in the lower-right corner. Then the ad finishes up.)
Commercial Announcer: With 100% uh huh. (Carrey nods.)
(As we cut back to NC, he is seen looking quizzically at a can of (non-diet) Pepsi in his hand.)
NC: Which is funny, because I always tasted less "uh-huh" and more... (takes a drink, then reacts in disgust) Oh! Ugh!
NC (vo): Yeah, it got blown out of proportion, but with a catchy jingle and a likeable icon singing it, it was a kitschiness that was tolerable enough, which is definitely more than I can say for Diet Pepsi.
Ray Charles: ♫ You got the right one, baby!
Uh-Huh Girls: ♫ Uh-huh! ♫
Commercial Announcer: With 100%...
NC (vo): ...Oh! Ugh!
Playmates: Corky and Cricket Dolls[]
(TV static transition to: A Corky Doll commercial from Playmates. It opens with the doll in question talking to a boy.)
Corky: Hi, pal! My name's Corky!
NC: Want to see the only toy more disturbing than a Chucky doll? (Fun fact: Edan Gross, the voice of the Corky doll, actally did the voice of the Chucky doll when it was not possessed in Child's Play.)
NC (vo): This is Corky, a toy version of (An image of Johnnycab from Total Recall is shown in the corner.) Robert Picardo from Total Recall.
Corky: (singing) ♫ I'll tell you stories and we'll play together... ♫
NC: See, this is why I never found Annabelle...
(An image of Annabelle from The Conjuring is shown.)
NC (vo): ...scary. That's intentionally trying to look terrifying.
(Cut back to the Corky doll ad.)
NC (vo): It's when you're trying to look adorable and it horrendously backfires. He says he's your friend, but we know from that opening stare he's (An image of the movie Magic, is shown.) the missing poster to the movie Magic.
Corky: (singing) ♫ Come on and be my best friend... ♫
Boy: (looking rather creepy) Okay.
NC: And boy, this kid looks like someone who'd have this doll as his only friend.
NC (vo): He's every cartoon drawing of Peter Lorre. (An image of a caricature of Lorre in the Looney Tunes cartoon Birth of a Notion is shown in the corner.)
Corky: (singing) ♫ We'll play together, we can pretend... ♫
(Suddenly, Corky turns into a cartoon version of an ugly bird-like...thing...before the boy's eyes!)
Corky: Want to be monsters?
(As this happens, the boy, too, transforms into a cartoon monster with a horn on its nose!)
NC: (recoiling in horror) Oh, my God!
NC (vo): It's "Where the Wild Things Shouldn't"!
Monster Corky: Want to be monsters?
Monster Boy: Not really.
NC: Wow, that was so uncomfortable, it's the only commercial I've ever seen where the toy is like, "You want to play?", and the kid is like, "No, I do not."
(The boy and Corky are now back to normal.)
Corky: How about circus ringmasters?
(Again, they transform, this time into cartoon circus ringmasters. They both have whips, which they crack, causing a tiger (also a cartoon) to jump through a tire swing. The boy and Corky are now back to normal.)
Corky: Or racecar drivers.
(They transform yet again, this time into racecar drivers, with the boy driving the car.)
NC: (shaking head) Animation is not endearing me to this further.
NC (vo): Even the kid sounds a little pissed off.
Boy: Gee, Corky, when you talk about something, it's almost real!
NC: (as boy) I didn't even ask for you to show up; (pretends to hold up a knife) you just held a knife to my back and said, "We're friends now!"
Boy and Corky: (singing) ♫ We will be best friends! ♫
(The name "Corky" is shown, along with the tagline "He speaks for himself", along with the logo of the company that made it: Playmates.)
Commercial Announcer: Corky. He's Cricket's little brother.
NC (vo): And if you're wondering what the hell that means...
(Cut to a commercial for another talking doll, a girl doll named Cricket.)
NC (vo): ...Cricket was actually the doll that came out before him, and I guess this was their attempt to try and target boys.
Cricket (voiced by Laura Mooney): (to a girl) Want to play Simon Says?
Girl: Sure!
NC (vo): She isn't as bad as Corky, but she does look like someone gave her a lobotomy, like you want to give her the Cuckoo's Nest treatment to be kind.
NC: But they mention this fact like you should be on the lookout for him!
Commercial Announcer: Corky. He's Cricket's little brother.
NC (vo; announcer voice): And he's wanted in seven states. We can't tell you what for; it'll give you nightmares.
(The clip of the racecar is shown, ending with the boy running off.)
NC (vo): Yeah, this prepackaged Goosebumps episode is weirdly handled, but to be fair, it is a weird product, one that hopefully won't be making its way to your sleep paralysis.
Commercial Announcer: Corky. He's Cricket's little brother. By Playmates.
Talky Tina: (audio from the Twilight Zone episode "A Living Doll") I'm going to kill you.
Tombstone Pizza[]
(TV static transition to: A Tombstone Pizza commercial. It opens in a French Foreign Legion fort in the desert, where a man is about to be executed by firing squad. One of the soldiers approaches the man with a blindfold.)
Soldier: Blindfold, monsieur?
Man: No.
NC (vo): So, in the '90s, Tombstone Pizza was looking for an ad campaign to increase their sales. They came up with this scenario with it's a person about to be axed off, and inevitably, they always ask this question...
Soldier: What do you want on your tombstone?
Man: Pepperoni and cheese.
NC (vo): Yep, every time they'd ask, they'd always answer nothing but toppings.
(Another ad is shown, this one showing a cowboy about to execute an outlaw by hanging.)
Cowboy: What do you want on your tombstone?
Outlaw: Pepperoni and cheese.
(The cowboy reacts in confusion.)
NC: (as cowboy) Dammit! We gotta stop offering ironically-named Italian cuisine!
(Clips of other ads are shown, all showing the victim, who oddly looks like the same man.)
NC (vo): This guy gets around, too. Is he Quantum Leaping, or is he one of the missing Doctors?
(A promo image for Doctor Who is shown, but with the head of the man in the Tombstone Pizza ads replacing that of The Doctor.)
(In another ad, the man is levitating with his arms crossed. A comrade of his hands him a towel.)
Second man: Towel?
Levitating man: No.
NC: (shakes head) Or just a witch.
(Another ad is shown, in which a young man played by Aaron Paul in Mexican attire is sleeping, but awoken by his parents, who are displeased with how messy the house is because of him, thanks to a party he held there. A donkey is seen in the background.)
NC (vo): Even Aaron Paul before becoming big was asked after throwing a big party.
Man: It wasn't a party, it was a fiesta!
Father: (angrily) What do you want on your tombstone?
Man: A taco only with cheddar cheese might be tasty.
(The parents are stupefied by their son's answer.)
NC: (as father, crosses arms) D'oh, we're not getting through to him! Maybe something more drastic.
(A clip from Breaking Bad of Jesse Pinkman bound and gagged in a car is shown. A gunshot is heard, and he lets out muffled screams of pain.)
NC: Too soon?
NC (vo): I always wonder what would happen if somebody misunderstood, like they gave a real answer.
(Still another ad is shown, showing an Egyptian pharaoh addressing an ordinary Egyptian man who has his arms out and shackled to a wall.)
Pharaoh: And what do you want on your tombstone?
NC (vo; as man): Jon Johnson, a hard and sturdy man. (as pharaoh) Eh, okay.
(An image of a pizza is shown, with the pepperoni slices placed on it so it reads, "Jon Johnson, A Hard And Sturdy Man".)
NC: Christ, what if it went the other way, like somebody didn't know there was no pizza involved?
(Cut to a disheveled woman (Heather) looking quite nervous, her face twitching. She wears eyeliner on her eyes, but they've been smudging down her face. Her cell phone rings and she answers it.)
Woman: Hello?
(We are shown a closeup of the cellphone, revealing that she's getting a call from a man named Kevin (Doug).)
Kevin: Sarah, it's been years. You have to let your dead husband go.
Sarah: What did he mean, though?! They asked him for his last words, and he said, "Pepperoni and cheese"? What did he mean?!
Kevin: He probably panicked and said something random.
Sarah: No! There's more to it than that!
(A whole slew of Internet pop-up ads are shown, all showing, in some way, shape or form, pepperoni pizza.)
Sarah (vo): It's a code, and I'm gonna...
Sarah: ...figure it out!
Kevin: But Sarah...
(Sarah hangs up.)
Sarah: What did he mean?
(Cut to a tombstone with the name "William Miller" inscribed on it, along with the phrase "Pepperoni and Cheese".)
Sarah: What did he mean?!
(Back to the Tombstone Pizza ads.)
NC (vo): Regardless, these ads do work off mainly just one lame joke, but they do have a bit of charm to them.
Commercial Announcer: What do you want on your tombstone? Special order pizza.
Man: Rocky! It’s the governor.
Rocky: Take a message.
Sarah (vo): What did he mean?!
Eagle Insurance[]
(TV static transition to: An Eagle Insurance commercial. It opens with a car pulling up someplace and coming to a stop.)
NC: If you grew up in Chicagoland in the '90s, you grew up with the Eagle Insurance commercials.
NC (vo): Yeah, it opens with two women driving down the road.
(As they drive down the road, the women stop the car briefly. The next thing they know, they hear a thud that shakes the car.)
Woman 1: What's that?
Woman 2: Do you have insurance on this car?
NC (vo): Do you have the receipts of those acting lessons I was sending you to? But it's cool. It's just Eagleman.
(It is revealed that Eagleman landed on the women's car. Eagleman is a freaky-looking, unfocused eagle puppet with a dull expression on his face.)
Eagleman: I've got something...for you!
(Eagleman starts to squat down, presumably to relieve himself. The sounds of flatulence and a toilet flushing are heard.)
NC: (looking visibly sick and grossed out) Oh! Eagleman is foul!
NC (vo): No, he lays an egg on her car, much to her...
(The camera zooms in on one of the women's reaction, which can only be described as what MST3K calls "dull surprise".)
NC (vo): ...whatever emotion that's supposed to be, resulting in this line...
(An eaglet hatches out of the egg, holding insurance papers in its beak.)
Women: (dully) Oh, look at those low rates!
NC: (snickers; as one of the women) They're so low, they're dragging across the floor like a ninety-year-old grandpa.
NC (vo; as one of the women): Hey, Eagleman, can you remove that egg damaging my car? (as Eagleman) Ironically enough, Eagle Insurance doesn't cover eagle-related damages, so you're stuck.
Commercial Announcer: Eagle guarantees the lowest auto rates in Illinois.
NC: (holds up index finger) However, something didn't feel right. I know, weird for this ad, right? But somebody pointed out male eagles don't lay eggs.
NC (vo): Well, they had to fix this right away, so in the sequel, they changed it to Eagle Woman.
(The ad in question begins with a young woman casually walking down the road.)
NC: Eagle Woman's looking fine. (nods)
NC (vo): They even got shock jock Mancow to cameo in this one, reacting exactly how you would think a guy named Mancow would react. And of course, seeing how this is Eagle Woman now, this just sounds so much more appropriate...
(Eagle Woman flies through the air. She's basically Eagleman wearing a hat with flowers in it.)
Eagle Woman: (sounding like Eagleman (same voice actor and all) speaking in a falsetto) I've got something for you!
(Eagle Woman drops her eggs on Mancow and the young woman.)
Mancow and woman: Look! She's dropping her rates!
(NC scoffs. In the commercial, the woman is now holding both eggs in her hands in a rather...suggestive position.)
NC (vo; as woman): Look, I can hold both milky white rates right in my hand!
Mancow: (his glasses askew for some reason) Look at those low rates!
(As we cut back to NC, an image of Mancow with his glasses askew is shown in the upper-right corner.)
NC: I hope that's his driver's license picture.
(An image of a pizza with pepperonis on it positioned to show the phrase "LOOK AT THOSE LOW RATES" is shown in the upper-left corner.)
NC: And what's written on his tombstone.
NC (vo): But then Eagle Woman I guess transitioned back to Eagleman... Hey, you do you, I guess. ...and gave us one more bizarre ad that looks like a deleted scene from Beetlejuice Beetlejuice.
(The ad in question is set on a used car lot called "FREAK U AUTO SALES". A woman with a mustache drags another woman into her office.)
Woman: I don't want that!
(Meanwhile, a car salesman is trying to sell a man and a woman a car, but the commotion of the other woman arouses the man.)
Man: What's going on over there?
Salesman: That's Freak, and she's gonna be selling her some car insurance today! (laughs)
NC: (laughs sarcastically) This is gonna end with Leatherface's family, isn't it?
(Freak has tied down the other woman to a chair in front of the former's desk.)
Freak: (gravelly, masculine voice) You'll buy our insurance or ya won't get the car!
(As we cut back to NC, an image of Linda and Tina Belcher from Bob's Burgers is shown in the corner.)
NC: Is this Bob's Burgers? What is the mindset behind these voices?!
Freak: (noticing something) What's that?!
Woman: It must be Eagleman!
(Eagleman enters the office wearing a cape.)
NC (vo): He may have given up Eagle Woman, but he's still farting some turds!
(Eagleman turns around and squats down. Gas emerges from his butt as he lays an egg. An image of YouTuber FlightReacts looking grossed out is shown in the corner.)
FlightReacts: EWW! YOU NASTY-ASS BASTARD!
NC: Though they don't mention low rates in this one...
(His eggs containing low rates come at Freak very slowly. She backs against the wall with nowhere to run. This somehow frees the captured woman.)
NC (vo): ...his Stay-Puft testicles release from the bonds of WTF-ness, and our captor holds them even more like Madonna's bra to the point where... (An image of Madonna herself appears in the corner.) she kind of looks like Madonna now.
Eagleman: Don't buy your insurance from a freak dealer.
NC (vo): These ads are fun. For a while, I thought they were only known by Chicagoans, but seeing how they got a fair amount of views, maybe the way of the Eagle is shitting its way into our hearts.
(The image of Mancow with his glasses inexplicably askew is shown again.)
Mancow: (his glasses askew for some reason) Look at those low rates!
NC (vo; as Curly of the Three Stooges): Nyuk nyuk nyuk!
Post Honey Comb Craving[]
(TV static transition to: A Post Honey Comb Cereal commercial. It opens with a man in a weird furry creature costume in front of a movie set.)
Man: (monotone) Me want Honey Comb.
Director: Again, with passion.
NC (vo): Honey Comb Cereal, ever since the '70s, has tried to obtain a solid identity.
(We cut to a group of kids eating said cereal over by a clubhouse called the Honeycomb Hideout.)
NC (vo): For a while, they had this clubhouse where kids could hide from bullies because...well, they built a clubhouse dedicated to cereal. Wouldn't you beat them up?
(We see a robot with the words "Big Taste Honey Comb" on its chest as NC talks about the next era of commercials.)
NC (vo): In the '80s, they gave them a robot, because it's the '80s, and big people would drop by for that big taste, like Andre the Giant, and...
Big Betty: I'm Big Betty, the blonde bomber.
NC (vo): ...her.
(We then see the Post Honey Comb mascot from the '90s as NC talks about that era of commercials.)
NC (vo): In the '90s, however, they switched it out for a creature called "The Craver." He represents the hungry craving kids have and that Honey Comb can always feed.
NC: Sounds simple enough, but the transformations these kids would go through are the sugary ingredients of hell!
Boy (vo): I just gotta have that honey sweet crunch.
(Suddenly, we see a boy and a girl having their eyes get bigger and growing pointy ears and shaggy fur.)
Kids: Me...want...HONEY COMB!!
NC: Jesus, it's (An image of Crash Bandicoot appears.) Crash Bandicoot if he was in (The poster for The Hills Have Eyes appears) The Hills Have Eyes! Tell me they're not gonna make a (An image of the girl with bulging eyes and pointy ears appears in front of a Smile-esque poster.) Smile-style movie outta this!
(We then see the transformed children as they ravenously scarf down the cereal in front of the movie set.)
Director: Perfect...it's so real!
(We see a close up of the Craver eating the cereal in slow-motion.)
NC: Thank you, I don't need to see (An image of the Craver eating in slow motion appears next to NC.) that thing's O face.
(We see a boy in a classroom go through the Craver transformation with his eyes getting bigger with his hair getting shaggier and his ears getting pointy.)
NC (vo): No matter where they were, the craving of Honey Comb would always summon them.
(The boy from earlier turns into the Craver and runs about.)
Classroom Craver Boy: Ooooh, Honey Comb. Me want Honey Comb!
(We see a blonde young girl's eyes bulge out.)
Blonde Classroom Girl: Ooh, toasted honey!
Judge Doom: (audio from Who Framed Roger Rabbit) Remember me, Eddie?!
(We see another girl's face turn into a muzzle, while another boy gets shaggy hair.)
Muzzle Girl: Hey!
Shaggy Haired Boy: Honey!
NC: And like that, twenty new (An image of the shaggy-haired kid appears next to NC.) Sonic the Hedgehog fandoms were made.
(We see the Craver run amok in a museum.)
NC (vo): In fact, he looks like Sonic the Hedgehog's meth-head brother, Chronic the Ballsack.
(We cut to a girl in a cabin looking at an empty bowl.)
Cabin Girl: Where's the Honey Comb?
Cabin Boy: Oops! Back in the van...
(The girl suddenly gets shaggy hair, startling NC.)
NC: (startled) Mother of God!
(The girl turns into the Craver mascot.)
Cabin Craver Girl: Me want Honey Comb!
(Suddenly, the cabin boy transforms into the Craver as well.)
Cabin Craver Boy: Yeah, (in shrill, high pitched voice as he transforms) me love that honey toasted taste.
(The transformed children run out of the cabin and into the woods.)
NC (vo): See, this is why sex-ed is so important. Boys would think this is what happens when a girl girls would get her time of the month and girls thinking this is what a boy's testicles dropping looks like.
NC: And they're....mostly wrong.
(One of the Craver kids sees three bears ganging up on an RV with a box of Honey Comb cereal inside.)
Craver Kid: Three bears?!
(This Craver kid dresses up in a Goldilocks-like outfit in order to distract the bears.)
Craver Kid: (feminine voice) Yoo-hoo! (giggles) It's me, Goldilocks!
NC: Well, for one, I'm glad we're seeing (The poster for Cocaine Bear appears next to NC) Cocaine Bear from the bear's point of view.
(The bears chase the Craver with the cereal, as the boy turns back with the cereal in his hand.)
Boy: Way to go, dude.
NC (vo; as one of the kids): Thanks! I'm questioning (The image of the Craver as Goldilocks is shown.) a lot of things being in that state.
(We are shown several images of the kids transforming into the mascot with cartoonishly exaggerated features on them.)
NC (vo): I'm not kidding why I say there need to be Creepypastas written about just these transformation faces.
(We see a girl in a museum see her eyes bulge out as she transforms into the Craver.)
Museum Girl: Whoa! It happens!
Museum Craver Girl: Honey Comb! Honey Comb! Me want Honey Comb!
NC (vo): I know they were a hit and I guess a little creative, but man, they were freaky to watch!
Girl (vo): Post Honey Comb cereal is part of this nutritious breakfast. Where will you be when the craving strikes?
(An image of the museum girl's bulging eyes appears in front of the screen.)
Judge Doom: (audio from Who Framed Roger Rabbit) When I killed your brother...
NC: Not as freaky as this one, though...
(TV static transition to a commercial break before the video resumes.)
Feelin' Special Pets[]
(TV static transition to: A Feelin' Special Pets commercial. A boy is shown hugging a toy puppy and brushing its ears.)
Background Singers: ♫ Got a special feeling for my very special puppy...
NC (vo): This is an ad for a toy called Feelin' Special Pets, the pet that tells you how it's feeling.
NC: An innocent enough idea, but if you were a sick kid like me, a bad one!
Background Singers: ♫ I know how he feels...
Puppy toy: It hurts.
Background Singers: ♫ ...'cause he tells me.
Boy: (hugging puppy) I'm sorry.
(Smiling sadistically, NC holds up a toy puppy of his own and slams it on the ground.)
Puppy toy (voice of Doug): It hurts. (SLAM!) Please stop. (SLAM!) Does Mommy take you to a therapist? (SLAM!)
NC (vo): It doesn't help that this thing has the permanent face of someone who's seen shit. Just... (The camera zooms in on the puppy's deadpan face.) He's seen shit.
Puppy toy: It hurts.
Background Singers: ♫ ...'cause he tells me. ♫
Boy: (hugging puppy) I'm sorry.
Puppy toy (voice of Doug): It's okay, the scars are mostly psychological.
(Another ad is shown, this one showing the kids and their Feelin' Special Pets on a picnic.)
Background Singer: ♫ When my Feelin' Special puppy has too much to eat, I know how he feels...
(A girl pats the back of her puppy toy.)
Background Singers: ♫ ...'cause he tells me. ♫
Puppy toy: Burp. Excuse me.
NC: Burping is more of a bodily function than an emotion. (stares at his puppy toy, then shrugs) Eh, screw it.
(Again smiling sadistically, he slams his toy on the ground.)
Puppy toy: Why was I designed with nerve endings?
(NC throws his toy down completely. Then another ad is shown, this one with a kitten being hugged by a girl.)
NC (vo): It wasn't just puppies, though; they also made kittens. Just listen to this once adorable voice...
Background Singer: ♫ I know my Feelin' Special kitty loves me, 'cause she tells me. ♫
Kitten toy: (sounding way too masculine) I love you, too.
NC: (surprised) What the hell?! (gestures toward an image of Freak from the Eagle Insurance ads off to the side) Is she the woman that voiced that?!
NC (vo): That's clearly the same voice as before! Why would they even call her a she if she has the same voice as the male one?
NC: Was it just one guy in a booth who was like...
(Cut to a sketch involving a recording session for the Feelin' Special Pets toys, with the voice of the toys to be provided by Malcolm. He is talking on an intercom.)
Voice actor: Yeah, so what is this, like Pound Puppies or some shit?
Man on intercom (Doug): Uh, actually, it's for a toy called Feelin' Special Pets.
Voice actor: So, Pound Puppies.
Man on intercom: No, it's a completely different– Yeah, it's Pound Puppies.
Voice actor: Okay, let's record the dog lines.
Man on intercom: Sounds good.
Voice actor: I love you, too. (beat, then burps) Excuse me. (another beat) It hurts. What kinda doll is this?
Man on intercom: Uh, that's fine. Let's move on to the female cat.
Voice actor: Got it.
Man on intercom: All right.
Voice actor: (not changing his voice) I love you, too. (beat, then burps) Excuse me. (another beat) It hurts. We done?
Man on intercom: Um, you did hear me say "female", right?
Voice actor: Yeah.
Man on intercom: ...I think we're good.
Voice actor: Call me when you need an angelic princess voice.
Man on intercom: No.
(Cut back to the Feelin' Special Pets ads as the Mattel logo appears at the end.)
NC (vo): They don't even put the title of the product on screen, maybe because the idea of spelling out in text, "When you touch them, you'll know how they feel", just sounds eww-y.
Commercial Announcer: The new Feelin' Special Pets. Each sold separately. When you touch them, you'll know how they feel.
Background Singers: ♫ 'Cause they tell you. ♫
(Smiling sadistically, NC holds up his toy puppy.)
Puppy toy: I've been touched in areas I didn't even know I had.
(NC throws his puppy toy across the room. It screams as it's thrown and crashes into something offscreen.)
NC (vo): These toys are uncomfortable, this commercial is uncomfortable, I don't like it. Next one.
Commercial Announcer: The new Feelin' Special Pets. Each sold separately. When you touch them, you'll know how they feel.
Background Singers: ♫ 'Cause they tell you. ♫
(The Mattel logo is shown in the corner.)
Superman vs. Nick O'Teen PSA[]
(TV static transition to: A Health Education Council commercial. It opens with a comic book with the words "Somewhere in Metropolis".)
Nick O'Teen: Come on, kids.
NC (vo): Before working on Roger Rabbit, animation director Richard Williams did a lot of commercials and PSAs. And one of the best known is Superman stopping a villain trying to get kids addicted to smoking called Nick O'Teen.
NC: Just...gonna take a wild guess and say his parents smoked.
Nick O'Teen: (to a group of kids) If you want to grow up fast, take one of these! (laughs wickedly)
NC: Nick's not often invited to the Legion of Doom. They felt his low-stake plans were rubbing off on Lex Luthor.
(A clip of a Superman Peanut Butter commercial is shown, in which Luthor has imprisoned Superman by placing a Kryptonite rock in front of his cell, while a group of kids look from outside the prison in horror.)
Luthor: (holding up a jar of Superman Peanut Butter to him) Now you'll tell me why Superman Peanut Butter tastes so great!
(Cut back to the PSA with Nick O'Teen, who gets captured by Superman.)
Kids: It's Superman!
Girl: (speaking with a British accent for some reason) Superman, is it hard to give up smoking, or is it easy like Nick O'Teen says?
NC: (shifting his eyes left and right) Metropolis being a European city as of late!*
- NOTE: The ads were made in Great Britain, which probably explains the girl's accent and NC's above remark.
Superman: (grabbing Nick O'Teen and speaking in a thick accent of some kind) Not so fast, Nick O'Teen! If you want to go up fast, take one of these...! (throws the villain up into the sky)
NC: Why does Superman sound like a '70s kung fu movie dub?
Superman: With my x-ray vision, I can see the harm cigarettes do inside people's bodies. (crushes a pack of cigarettes in his fist) That's why I never say "yes" to a cigarette.
NC: (shrugs) Unless Lois smokes them, of course.
(Cut to a clip of the first Superman movie, in which he spots Lois Lane (Margot Kidder) smoking a cigarette.)
Superman (Christopher Reeve): You really shouldn't smoke, you know, Miss Lane.
Lois: (her back turned to him) Don't tell me, lung cancer, right?
(Superman scans her body with his x-ray vision. Her body appears to be healthy.)
Superman: Not yet, thank goodness.
(The shot of Superman throwing Nick O'Teen into the air is shown in the corner as Superman in the movie walks up to Lois.)
NC (vo; as Superman): You know, I literally punched a man into space for this. His frozen corpse is crackling over Jupiter as we speak.
NC: Not that this villain's evil plans were always the greatest.
(At the Daily Planet in one ad, Jimmy Olsen runs up to Clark and Lois, holding a newspaper.)
Jimmy: Great story: an old wizard teaching kids tricks with cigarettes!
NC: Wow, the '80s were looser than even I remember.
NC (vo): Even Joe Camel would be like...
(A picture of Joe Camel is inserted.)
NC (vo): (as Joe Camel) "You need a conscience."
Superman: If it's a puff you want...
(Superman blows on the wizard's outfit, creating so much wind that it blows it off, revealing Nick in disguise.)
Kids: It's Nick O'Teen!
(Superman swoops down, grabs Nick and carries him off.)
NC (vo): Supes would always defeat Nick O'Teen. Granted, his methods were a touch less subtle in the Zack Snyder version.
(Cut to a clip of the Snyder cut of Justice League, showing Superman there.)
NC (vo; as Superman): I must stop Nick O'Teen from spreading cigarettes.
(Cut to ten minutes later, as Superman flies through the now-ruined city.)
NC (vo; as Superman): How'd this even happen?
(Cut back to the PSA.)
NC (vo): They're a tad corny, but Superman should always be at least a little corny. I have a soft spot for these PSAs, no matter how goofy they can be.
Superman: And that's why I never say "yes" to a cigarette.
Duracell Batteries: Puttermans[]
(TV static transition to: A Duracell Batteries commercial. It opens on a house in the suburbs, whose mailbox reads that it belongs to a family called "The Puttermans".)
Commercial Announcer: Meet the Puttermans.
NC (vo): So, we all know the Energizer Bunny really took off, but sadly, Duracell didn't have a mascot nearly as iconic. Well, that was all about to change in the '90s, or so they thought, with the creation of a family called The Puttermans. Duracell was so excited for them, they even had a teaser for the commercials.
Commercial Announcer: Just your typical suburban family. Well, sort of. Makes you wonder: who are they?
Mrs. Putterman (voice of Marla Frees): Silly question.
(A Duracell battery is shown, along with the company slogan: "The Copper Top Tops 'Em All".)
Commercial Announcer: The Puttermans. You'll meet them this fall.
(A movie preview screen is shown, accompanied by an R rating, for strong violence and pervasive language, including sexual references.)
NC (vo): Rated R.
(Then we are shown clips of actual Putterman ads.)
NC (vo): Yeah, seriously, even the trailer's like, "What are we doing? These things are freaky!"
(One ad shows the Puttermans in an art museum. The museum director walks up, clearing his throat. Like the rest of the characters in these ads, he has a battery in his back, but unlike the Puttermans, it's not Duracell.)
Director: Not a very interesting piece. Reminiscent of early Dadaism.
Putterman Daughter (voice of Krystee Clark): What's Dadaism?
NC (vo): My best guess is, they were trying to replicate the success of The Simpsons, but they look more like British bake-off cakes sculpted like Dick Tracy villains.
(As we cut back to NC, a promotional image for the Netflix series Is It Cake? is shown in the corner.)
NC (vo): Instead of Is It Cake?, it should be (Mr. Putterman replaces the promo image.) Is It Human?.
Mrs. Putterman: Is everyone using Duracell batteries?
NC (vo): The idea, I guess, is that there's some sort of robotic toy family always using Duracell batteries, and somebody inevitably uses a different battery, resulting in them breaking down. And that's it; that's every ad.
NC: (grinning, wide-eyed) Enchanted yet?
(One ad shows the Puttermans at a family reunion barbecue. One female relative is quite talkative.)
Relative: We were living in Tulsa with your great aunt Emma. (laughs) We shared a one-room apart–
(Suddenly, she is cut off mid-sentence as she freezes in place, shut off, and falls face first into a full plate.)
Mrs. Putterman: (to her husband) Herb! Did you slip her one of those other batteries?
(The camera zooms in on Mr. Putterman, who clearly looks guilty.)
Mr. Putterman (voice of Keith Langsdale): Me?
(Another relative laughs, as does the rest of the family.)
NC (vo): Seriously, she is dead, though. Even if we bring her back, she didn't have a battery save option, so she won't remember who she is.
(Another ad is shown, as another character, the Putterman daughter's boyfriend, is addressing Mr. Putterman. He too has a battery in him that's not Duracell. He stands in front of a glass shelf filled with breakable objects.)
Boyfriend: Batteries are batteries, dude...
(Before he can finish, however, the daughter's boyfriend suddenly powers down and freezes in places, then starts to fall backwards toward the shelf.)
Mr. Putterman: Oh, Beth...
(The man crashes into the glass shelf, shattering everything on it as he falls to the floor. Mr. Putterman stares.)
NC (vo): Sometimes, there's a twist, like somebody else will have a Duracell battery so they'll go even longer.
(Still another ad is shown: the Puttermans fishing on a boat as Mr. Putterman catches a swordfish.)
Mr. Putterman: I have a long-lasting Duracell battery.
Putterman Son (voice of Debi Derryberry): The fish has a Duracell battery, too!
Mr. Putterman: Good thing I've got a long vacation!
NC: I don't care, I'm just wondering: who let the henchman from (An image of Lothar from The Rocketeer shown next to Mr. Putterman is shown next to NC.) The Rocketeer procreate?
(Still another ad is shown: the Puttermans going to a Barbie-esque pink house where the grandmother lives.)
NC (vo): They're not even walking in this one, they're floating! What do you expect when you're a family of Satans?!
Putterman Daughter: She has been running on the same Duracell battery since...
Putterman Son: ...the Ice Age? (laughs)
NC (vo): If you're thinking to yourself, that boy looks like A.I. trying to eat Jimmy Neutron, that's because it is Jimmy Neutron. Yep, that's his voice actress...
(We are then shown a clip of NC's review of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius, showing him struggling to pronounce the name of Derryberry.)
NC (vo): ...whose name I'm not gonna attempt to say again.
NC: (audio from the review) ...played by Debbie Deb– (sighs) ...played by Debbie Berry– (sighs, then says it slowly and haltingly) Deb-bee...Derry...Berry. (speaks faster) ...played by Debbie Be– (grunts and smacks hand down on table)
(The Putterman ads resume as the son is shown again.)
NC (vo): Looks how one his failed experiments is wearing (An image of Dash Parr from The Incredibles is shown in the corner.) the skin of Dash from The Incredibles.
(Still another ad shows the Puttermans arriving at a cabin where they are camping.)
Mr. Putterman: Ah, the fresh autumn air...
(Suddenly, the lights go out in the cabin.)
Putterman Son: (laughs) The total darkness...
NC: I will give credit, though: this is the one joke that got a laugh out of me...
Mr. Putterman: Where are those darn flashlights? (He finds one and turns it on.) Still works!
Putterman Son: Where's mine?
(As if on cue, a bear appears in the cabin. It holds up a flashlight (presumably belonging to the son) and turns it on, shining the light in its face. It grunts. The Puttermans all scream, and the bear screams back, in a very high-pitched, girly tone.)
NC: But I'm pretty sure you can just play that scream anywhere, and it'll...
(The screaming bear is shown again.)
NC: ...get a laugh. See?
NC (vo): These things are hideous! I hate looking at them, but...they're so bad, they are at least a little fascinating. No matter how lame they got, I guess to some extent they are worth talking about years later.
(The Duracell slogan is shown: "You Can't Top The Copper Top.")
Female Announcer: You can't top the copper t–
(The slogan is interrupted by the screaming bear.)
Nike: Godzilla vs. Charles Barkley[]
(TV static transition to: A Nike commercial. It opens with a montage of clips of Godzilla movies, all showing monsters Godzilla had fought.)
Commercial Announcer: He's defeated Mothra. He's defeated Anguirus. But he's never faced an adversary like this...
(We are shown the ruins of a Japanese city (presumably Tokyo), as a giant Charles Barkley, wearing a shirt with the Nike logo on it, struts through it, bouncing a basketball.)
NC (vo): So, in 1992, Nike built up a battle between Godzilla and Charles Barkley.
NC: (shakes head and shrugs) Nobody was asking for that, but we're not gonna turn it down.
NC (vo): And I'm not kidding when I say they built this up like mad.
(Cut to various promotional material related to this ad.)
NC (vo): There were posters, clothing, even a comic book!
(Cut to more of the ad.)
Commercial Announcer: It's the battle of the century. Get ready to see a real monster jam.
NC (vo): Holy smokes! Nobody knew they wanted this, but now they couldn't imagine a world without it!
(The Nike logo is shown, along with the message "Coming Sept. 9th".)
NC (vo): September 9th, September 9th... Okay, tune into... Where the hell do I watch this? It's a commercial. Well, anyway, I just gotta keep my eyes peeled!
(The real ad begins as Godzilla destroys Tokyo.)
NC: Okay, here it is!
(Barkley confronts Godzilla, who dons a pair of sunglasses.)
NC (vo): Oh, my God, he's putting on the glasses! This is gonna be amazing!
(Godzilla tries to block Barkley as the latter holds a basketball. Godzilla tries to knock the ball out of Barkley's hands with his tail, but Barkley catches it.)
NC (vo): Okay, his tail knocks the ball up, but Barkley retrieves it! He fouls that scary monster! Point goes to Barkley...!
(And Barkley jumps up to a basketball hoop in the city and slam-dunks the ball. Then the ad ends with Barkley and Godzilla walking off together.)
NC (vo): And...I guess that was the only point.
(The Nike Air logo is shown.)
Barkley: (offscreen) Have you ever thought about wearing shoes?
NC: (confused) What the hell, man?! That's it?!
NC (vo): I mean, I know it's a commercial, you only got so much time, but...I don't know, split it up into parts! Pay for extra air time!
(A clip of an Energizer Batteries commercial is shown, showing the Energizer Bunny do battle with Darth Vader.)
NC (vo): The Energizer Bunny versus Darth Vader was more epic than this!
NC: Dude, the freaking comic had...
(Cut to shots of the comic adaptation of the commercial.)
NC (vo): ...side characters, Godzilla melting the ball, playing in a canyon, getting lizard shoes, a magic silver dollar that makes Barkley huge! It didn't make any sense, but that's kind of bullshit we wanted!
NC: But this?! I'd rather watch... (A promo image for the 1998 Godzilla movie is shown in the corner, and NC stops himself, trying not to admit the obvious.) You almost made me say it.
NC (vo): Great buildup, great-looking production, but man, what a lame payoff.
(Barkley and Godzilla walk off together.)
Barkley: Have you ever thought about wearing shoes?
(As the ad ends with the Nike Air logo, an image of Nick Tatopoulos, Matthew Broderick's character from the aforementioned 1998 Godzilla movie, is shown in the lower-right corner.)
NC (vo; as Tatopoulos): That's a lotta shit.
Cabbage Patch Kids Astronaut Dolls[]
(TV static transition to: A Cabbage Patch Kids commercial. It opens with a group of astronauts walking toward the camera. One of them holds a Cabbage Patch Kids doll.)
Commercial Announcer: On October 30, 1985, a Cabbage Patch Kid actually traveled into space.
NC: Let's be honest: Elon Musk has done stupider things.
Commercial Announcer: Xavier Christopher actually traveled into space.
NC (vo): Since then, the cabbage space race begun.
(An image is shown of a made-up Russian equivalent of Cabbage Patch Kids dolls on the moon, along with the Soviet flag.)
NC (vo): The Russian Rutabaga Rugrats will not be foiled!
(It is revealed that the astronauts are all kids holding their Cabbage Patch Kids dolls, which also are dressed like astronauts.)
Commercial Announcer: Since then, boys and girls all have been testing to see if their kids have what it takes.
NC (vo): Yeah, I guess, like Corky, this was an attempt to market a more feminine doll to a more masculine audience.
NC: As you can tell by this clip of a boy looking (crosses arms) judgingly at a girl hugging the doll.
(The kids all hug their dolls.)
Girl: Hug, Tess.
(A boy hugs his doll with a dignified look on his face.)
NC (vo; as boy; scoffs): I hold my Cabbage Patch Kid like a man!
(As we cut back to NC, an image of a Garbage Pail Kids card (reading "Junky Jeff") is shown in the corner.)
NC: Dude, you have Garbage Pail Kids pre-movie. You have no idea how good you have it right now!
(Footage of a Barbie commercial is shown, showing Barbie as an astronaut.)
NC (vo): But hey, Barbie showed girls are interested in space, as long as her suit can transform into a miniskirt for dancing. SHE DID IT FOR SCIENCE!
(Cut back to the Cabbage Patch Kids ad, as a boy pushes a doll down a slide at a playground.)
Boy: Gravity catch!
NC (vo): Even the toy has a look, like "I'm supposed to be in a baby crib! WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING IN ORBIT?!"
NC: Maybe the real story was, they sent an actual (An image of a cabbage with a face wearing glasses in it is shown.) cabbage child to space. Hey, I don't know what NASA was up to back then. (shrugs)
NC (vo): I kinda love how underwhelmed this one kid seems here with the epic music.
(The kid in question shuts the helmet of his Cabbage Patch doll before another kid runs him and his doll around on a playground spinner to simulate a centrifugal force.)
Boy: Centrifugal force test!
(As the other kid sits on the spinner with his doll, he looks rather bored by it all.)
NC (vo): He's just like "Yeah, space! ...This sucks."
Commercial Announcer: You can train for a space mission with your Cabbage Patch Young Astronaut.
NC (vo): It's an odd idea and, I guess, an odd ad. What else can you say but...it's nothing to go to the moon for.
NC: The Cabbage Patch Young Astronauts. Each sold separately, with hands that hold. From Coleco.
Sean John: Unforgivable[]
(TV static transition to: A Sean John commercial. It opens with the word "PASSION" as a blonde woman is shown, followed by a black man and woman hugging together. And wouldn't you know it, the black man is none other than Sean Combs, better known as P. Diddy.)
NC: Oh! (laughs) This aged amazingly!
(P. Diddy is shown again as the word "SEX" appears.)
P. Diddy: Why do I love you?
NC: Oh, that's your biggest crime?
P. Diddy: Why does something that feels so good, hurts so bad?
NC: (shakes head) You don't know the half of it, my friend.
(The word "POWER" appears.)
P. Diddy: Do you love me?
(Cut to a clip of Ghostbusters.)
Dr. Peter Venkman (Bill Murray): Is this a trick question?
(Cut back to the Sean John ad as the word "HONESTY" appears.)
P. Diddy: Believe in me.
NC: (grinning broadly) Gonna be hearing a lot of that for a while!
(The ad ends with a bottle of Sean John fragrance for men and one more word to accompany it...)
P. Diddy: Unforgivable.
NC: (laughs) Okay, where's the...
(The Sean John fragrance with the "Unforgivable" tagline is shown again, with the addition of the Mad TV logo in the corner.)
NC (vo): ...Mad TV logo? This clearly can't be real! I mean, wow! That was literally every line you can make a joke out of! I don't know if I've ever had that with a commercial! That was...actually kind of spectacular.
NC: Oh, and this is technically a review, so, uh...looks nice, sounds nice, edited nice. Man, did you nail the product name!
NC (vo): What else can you say but...
(The Sean John fragrance with the "Unforgivable" tagline is shown again.)
P. Diddy: Unforgivable.
(A clip of The Simpsons is shown, showing Gary Chalmers encountering Principal Skinner wearing makeup (lipstick, eyeliner, etc.).)
Chalmers (voice of Hank Azaria): Oh, my God...
Red Bull[]
(TV static transition to: A Red Bull commercial. It opens with an Arab digging in the ground and pulling out...)
Arab: Oh, look, a lamp! (He rubs it, which brings out a genie.)
NC (vo): Okay, so I think most people are familiar with the Red Bull commercials. In 1997, they started using the slogan: "Red Bull gives you wings", indicating it could give you a lot of energy.
(In another ad, an old lady drinks the product, which literally causes wings to sprout out of her back like an angel, allowing her to fly away. Then we cut to a closeup of the can of Red Bull and its slogan...)
Commercial Announcer: Red Bull gives you wiiings.
(Another ad shows a man being pooped on by a flying bird.)
NC (vo): I never thought it was that funny a line, but I guess I do still remember it, and to say other people do is an understatement.
(The man drinks some Red Bull, which causes wings to sprout on his back. He flies around and above the bird. He starts to remove his pants, which causes the bird to scream. Then, again, we cut to the product and its slogan.)
Commercial Announcer: Red Bull gives you wiiings.
NC (vo): These animated ads always showed someone benefiting from the drink by sipping a can and – you guessed it – growing wings.
(In another ad, St. Peter is at Heaven's gate, talking on his phone. A number of people have grown wings by drinking Red Bull and have now found another means of gaining access to the Heavens. We then cut to another Red Bull ad, this one featuring Rapunzel.)
Rapunzel: Because Red Bull gives you wings!
Prince: Yes, but it also stimulates the mind. So get downstairs and open the blooming door!
(We are shown another ad featuring a superhero, and then the one featuring the genie is shown again.)
NC (vo): The scenarios are fine. Again, I don't think they're hilarious or anything, but tend to get the job done and has a very clear identity. Truth be told, I don't think there's a ton to talk about.
NC: Except for one ad.
(Two of the previous Red Bull ads are shown again before we get to the one NC is speaking of.)
NC (vo): Yes, I'm literally talking about all these commercials just so I can focus on one specifically. It opens with a very tall dog walking with her puppies. Trailing behind her is the father, who's incredibly short but incredibly proud. The ad is so smart at letting you just look at the height differences long enough that you have no choice but to ask...
NC: Okay. How do they do it?
NC (vo): Even if she crouched down, he wouldn't be able to make it up there. But they seem satisfied, and clearly, they've been doing it somehow.
NC: And then, with virtually no talking in the ad, we get our answer.
(The father dog spots several cans of Red Bull and drinks one can. He then turns toward the mother dog and the litter of puppies, his tail springing straight up and erect, followed by the wings sprouting on his back. Then we cut to the can of Red Bull.)
Commercial Announcer: Red Bull gives you wiiings.
NC: (smiling and shaking head) That's phenomenal.
(The dog ad is shown again.)
NC (vo): This made me laugh so much – how they set up and delivered the payoff. You don't think such a cuddly cute commercial is really asking this question, 'cause – you know – how are you going to answer it? You can't! I mean, look at this! They're not going to! Your mind's just in the gutter! Come on! But no. They were planning from the start and they knew how to... (ahem) ...finish off.
NC: Honestly, there's nothing else I can add. (beat) Except my Top 10 jokes, of course.
(The closeup of the can of Red Bull and its slogan plays for each joke as the numbers from 10 to 1 appear on screen. Beethoven's "Für Elise" plays in the background.)
Commercial Announcer: Red Bull gives you wiiings. ("10")
NC: But doesn't give you a job.
Commercial Announcer: Red Bull gives you wiiings. ("9")
NC: (wiggling fingers) It also gives you something else like a bull.
Commercial Announcer: Red Bull gives you wiiings. ("8")
NC: And no blue balls.
Commercial Announcer: Red Bull gives you wiiings. ("7")
NC: Especially if you go doggy style.
Commercial Announcer: Red Bull gives you wiiings. ("6")
NC: (the bull on the can appears) And, according to the label, makes you horny.
Commercial Announcer: Red Bull gives you wiiings. ("5")
NC: And makes sure bitches aren't tripping.
Commercial Announcer: Red Bull gives you wiiings. ("4")
NC: May also give you herpes.
Commercial Announcer: Red Bull gives you wiiings. ("3")
NC: Just some hair of the dog, but it is pubic hair.
Commercial Announcer: Red Bull gives you wiiings. ("2")
NC: As well as a decent boner.
(A drumroll plays as the number "1" appears onscreen, with the dog ad in the background.)
NC (vo): And the #1 joke I have for this ad is...
Commercial Announcer: Red Bull gives you wiiings.
NC: So you can cock her spaniel. PLAY ME OFF, PAUL!
(NC starts moving along to a beat as footage of Paul Shaffer's concert from Late Show with David Letterman is shown.)
NC (vo): These ads are fine, but man, this one really raised it to a new level.
Commercial Announcer: Red Bull gives you wiiings.
Suburban Auto Group: Trunk Monkey[]
(TV static transition to: A Suburban Auto Group commercial. It opens with a man walking up to a parked car and tries to open the door.)
NC: So, I'm ending on one...honestly I don't have that much commentary on; they just crack me up.
NC (vo): It's for Suburban Auto Group back in 2003, and somehow, I totally missed all these ads. They're just called "Trunk Monkeys", monkeys that hide in your car to protect it. Okay, sounds cute enough, but these ads go dark fast. Like, here's the first one...
(The ad in question shows the man, having failed to open the car the traditional way, resorts to smashing the window open with a tire iron so he can unlock it from the inside. Then he sits down in the car and discovers a button labeled "Trunk Monkey", which he pushes. The back seats drop down, revealing a monkey hidden inside the car. The monkey sneaks up on the man with an iron stick of its own.)
Commercial Announcer: The Trunk Monkey theft retrieval system.
NC: (imitating Dennis Hopper as President Koopa) A monkey!
(The monkey hits the crook on the head with its iron stick, knocking him out.)
NC: (shocked) Oh, my God!
(The monkey then pulls the crook out of the car.)
Commercial Announcer: Getting your car back is simply not enough.
(Cut to a bridge, where the monkey throws the man over the edge and into the water.)
Commercial Announcer: Another revolutionary idea.
NC: Good preview of Osgood Perkins' next flick. (A promotional image for The Monkey appears in the corner.)
(Another Trunk Monkey ad is shown.)
NC (vo): And they just keep getting crazier.
(As a young man and woman are out on a date in a car, something is thrown at the man from the back seat. They glance toward the back to spot the Trunk Monkey smiling.)
Woman: I think it came with the car.
(As the man and woman are about to embrace, they hear the sound of a gun cocking. Startled, they look behind them to spot the Trunk Monkey holding a rifle! Fearing for his life, the man scrambles out of the car, leaving the woman alone with the monkey.)
Commercial Announcer: The Trunk Monkey chaperone version.
NC: If Andy Serkis played this thing, people would be shitting their pants.
(Another ad is shown, as a man opens up his trunk with a keyless remote while playing a banjo. Another man joins in dancing. The Trunk Monkey, however, sneaks up on the banjo player and hits him on the head with a guitar, smashing the guitar and knocking the man out.)
NC: Christ, I think I'm shitting my pants!
NC (vo): This thing is hilariously mean-spirited! But fear not, he saves lives, too – whether you need it or not.
(In another ad, the Trunk Monkey runs up to a car, where a man in the driver's seat is unconscious. The monkey drags the man out of the car and undresses him. Then it takes a defibrillator and places it over the man to revive him. It works. He comes to and is shocked by the appearance of the monkey. He backs away from it.)
Woman's voice on defibrillator: Shock advised. Stand clear.
(The man runs back into his car, but the monkey follows after to give him another shock. As we cut back to NC, we see an image in the corner of Curious George in a lab coat putting a stethoscope on a hospital patient.)
NC: Curious George if he was paid with pain.
(Another ad is shown, this one showing a man driving a pregnant woman to the hospital to give birth, but it looks like she won't be able to hold it for that long as she goes into labor right then and there.)
Woman: Oh, God, I think it's happening!
Man: Now?!
Woman: (screaming) YES, RIGHT NOW!!
(To the woman's confusion, the man stops the car and pushes a button reading "Trunk Monkey".)
Woman: What are we doing?!
(The trunk of the car opens and the Trunk Monkey emerges, wearing a scrub and having a stethoscope around its neck. It walks up to the back seat where the woman is to help her give birth. The monkey puckers its lips to the woman, as if making a Lamaze expression.)
Man: Breathe with a monkey.
(Then we cut to the Suburban Auto Group logo while the sound of a baby crying is heard. Then we cut back to the group, as the monkey holds the couple's new baby in its arms.)
NC: These ads are so messed up, I swear he was gonna deliver a monkey in that scenario. (points to camera) Tell me you couldn't see that!
(Another ad is shown, showing a group of young punks throwing eggs at a passing car.)
NC (vo): These ads are great, and honestly, I'm shocked they can get away with like half of them.
(In response, the man driving stops the car and pushes the Trunk Monkey button on it. The monkey emerges from the trunk and chases after the punks, who run for their lives. They reach a fence, which they try to climb over. Two of them make it over easily, but the last isn't so lucky as the monkey catches up with him and grabs his legs to pull him back down. His friends try to pull him over with them in a tug-of-war with the monkey. The boy being pulled has a ridiculous look of terror on his face.)
Commercial Announcer: The Trunk Monkey, the revolutionary idea you'll only find...
(But it's no use, as the monkey pulls the boy back down. Then we cut to the Suburban Auto Group logo.)
Commercial Announcer: ...at Suburban Auto Group.
(As we cut back to NC, an image of the terrified boy caught by the monkey is shown in the corner.)
NC: That's the look of a kid who just saw his last day. (nods)
(Another, later ad is shown, with the word "ATTENTION!" flashing in yellow on a red screen. A buzzer sound is heard. Then we see a new message: "TRUNK MONKEY RECALL". On the bottom, further information is shown: "2004 Models, Possibly Others... We're Not Sure. We'll Let You Know.")
Commercial Announcer: We are recalling all 2004 Trunk Monkeys, effective immediately!
(We are then shown a montage of previous clips of Trunk Monkeys, with messages popping up, explaining why they're being recalled: "UNCHECKED AGGRESSION", "ATTACKING SMALL CHILDREN", and "ORGANIZED CRIME".)
NC (vo): Down the line, they even recalled him for all the reasons you would think, plus many more.
(We then see a scrolling list of additional reasons for the Trunk Monkeys being recalled, including, but not limited to, voyeurism, substance abuse, tax evasion, cult activity, gun running, espionage, halitosis, binge drinking, and lurid glances.)
NC (vo): I want a movie on every single one of these.
(The scene freezes and the camera zooms in on the "CULT ACTIVITY" part of the list.)
NC (vo): I gotta see that cult one!
Commercial Announcer: ...to get their attention with the Trunk Monkey. People love monkeys. But this isn't about monkeys. This is about cars.
NC (vo): Sadly, after that, we didn't see much more of Trunk Monkey, but I think it's fair to say we got our fill.
(Another Trunk Monkey ad is shown, this one involving an attempted alien invasion of a pickup truck.)
Man: Them aliens were everywhere.
(However, before the pickup truck can be abducted, the man driving it brings out the Trunk Monkey. The monkey knocks one of the aliens out with a wrench. It then stomps on the alien's body, which is then thrown against the windshield.)
Man: Now, I don't do probes, so I'm glad I bought a truck with a Trunk Monkey.
NC (vo): These ads were crazy, harsh, and extremely funny. If you can find a compilation out there, check it out. You won't regret it. It's the hardest I've laughed in quite a bit, and I can't believe it actually made it onto TV.
(The ending of a Trunk Monkey ad is shown.)
Commercial Announcer: What the heck? Show 'em the monkey again. You can never have enough monkeys either.
NC: In fact, you know what? I want a Trunk Monkey! Right now! Come on, there's gotta be somebody out there that can make that possible!
(Suddenly, someone smashes into his room through the room. It's Eagleman!)
NC: (pointing toward Eagleman) Look! The incredibly unfocused Eagleman!
Eagleman: I got something for you!
(The sound of chimes are heard, which gets NC's attention. He then glances toward Eagleman with a smug look on his face.)
NC: Should I go check my car?
Eagleman: Mm-hmm.
NC: (eagerly) Ooh!
(NC runs out of the room and up to his car in his garage. He opens his trunk and finds...a pile of poop! He stares at it in stunned silence. Then the clip of the Duracell batteries commercial, showing the bear screaming at the Puttermans, is shown one last time.)
Channel Awesome Tagline – Big Betty: I'm Big Betty, the blonde bomber.
(The credits roll.)
See also[]
- Commercials
- Return of the Nostalgic Commercials
- Revenge of the Nostalgic Commercials
- Dawn of the Commercials
- Rise of the Commercials
- Conquest of the Commercials
- Battle of the Commercials
- War of the Commercials
- Escape from the Commercials
- Planet of the Commercials
- Curse of the Commercials
- Commercials Resurrection
- Commercials H20
- Kingdom of the Commercials