Scooby-Doo: The Mystery Begins
May 8, 2018
(The Channel Awesome logo is displayed, followed by the title sequence. Open on the door to the studio, which reveals NC and Hyper Fangirl walking in)
NC: So, how're you liking married life?
HFG: Really good. My ring's starting to decompose, though.
NC: Oh, that happens.
(Suddenly, HFG sees something falling and screams. She shoves NC out of the way of a huge falling object that smashes into the ground where NC was just standing)
NC: OH, MY GOD!! WHAT WAS THAT?!?
HFG: Somebody's trying to kill you, Critic!
(Suddenly, Malcolm rises up behind them)
Malcolm: Why, hi, guys. I was just thinking of how Nostalgia Critic gave a negative review of Fievel Goes West, and that made me angry. (beat) Just thought I'd mention it.
NC: Okay... Do you guys realize what this means?!
HFG: Jinkies! We have... (turns to the camera, softly) a mystery!
(Thunder crashes outside as HFG holds up a magnifying glass in front of her face. What follows is a parody of the Scooby-Doo, Where Are You! intro, but with the title "Nostalgia Critic" and NC, HFG and Malcolm performing the roles of Shaggy, Velma and Fred, sneaking across the screen along with a giant Appa plushie. Throughout this, Doug sings the "theme song")
Nostalgia Critic, where are...ic
We got some work to do now
Danger level: zoinks,
Roger: It was me! (Everyone stops and turns to him) Oh, okay.
Roger: Nobody cares.
HFG: Oh, okay.
Malcolm: What are you doing? We had a mystery to solve. I could have been the suspect!
Roger: Nobody's falling for it. You couldn't even hurt a fly.
Malcolm: That's not true.
(A sound of a fly buzzing is heard. Malcolm tries swatting the insect with his hands, but doesn't succeed)
NC: Look, what's going on here? I mean, we had a whole Scooby-Doo mystery planned.
HFG: We even had a cute and cuddly sidekick.
(Cut to the Appa plushie)
Appa: (voiced by Doug) Appa-Appa-Appa!
Roger: I know, but that's not what people want to see anymore. They instead want to see the criminal reveal as early as possible, with little attempt to make it look like it wasn't him.
NC: Yeah? Says who?
Roger: (smiling) Says Scooby-Doo: The Mystery Begins! (His smile slowly fades)
(The title for the 2009 TV movie Scooby-Doo: The Mystery Begins is shown, followed by clips)
NC (vo): Often referred to as the third Scooby-Doo movie, this...
Roger: Um, I was talking.
Malcolm: Oh, he usually takes over at this point.
Roger: But I was talking.
NC: You know, you tried to kill me. How do I explain shit to you?
Roger: (bemused) But I was...tal-
NC: (speaks to the camera, leaving Roger dumbfounded) Often referred to as the third Scooby-Doo movie...
NC (vo): ...this prequel aired in 2009 on Cartoon Network...hey, remember when they used to run cartoons? (As he speaks, the posters for the late 2000s-early 2010s CN live-action shows Destroy Build Destroy, Dude, What Would Happen, Level Up, Tower Prep and Unnatural History are shown) ...showing how our gang of mystery-solving teenagers met. What we got, I guess, is on par with the other lame Scooby-Doo movies, but there's a certain half-assed nature to a lot of it that makes it feel even more uneventful. Hell, half the characters don't even look like their original selves.
Roger: That is the one thing you guys got down.
Malcolm: (indignantly) What the hell is that supposed to mean?
Roger: I'm telling you, this movie just doesn't try as hard as the others.
HFG: But the other movies were awful, too.
Roger: Exactly. Now, get out while you still can.
NC: Screw you, Roger! These costumes took a long time to make!
HFG: Mine didn't.
NC: Most of our costumes took a long time to make, and we're gonna solve the mystery while doing this review!
Roger: Okay, cool. Uh, by the way, (picks a huge stack of papers and hands it to NC) here's all the evidence that proved I did it. Let me know if you need help figuring out who did it. It was me, by the way. (leaves)
NC: Well, we're not gonna let him or this movie ruin our mystery, right?
HFG: Uh, I don't know. The mystery seems pretty killed.
Malcolm: Yeah, I feel like the Stay Black Marshmallow Man.
NC: What...I...w-wait! Come back! Zoinks and shit!
(He sighs, drops the papers and goes to sit at his desk, putting back his usual clothes)
NC: So, let's see if this prequel is just as bad as its other films. This is Scooby-Doo: The Mystery Begins.
Roger: (offscreen, teasingly) I warned you!
(The movie starts with a curly-haired teenager named Shaggy Rogers walking into the school bus)
NC (vo): So, like I said before, the film is actually a prequel to the live-action films, rather than a sequel.
NC: (adjusts glasses, in a posh voice) Are we ignoring the Pup Named Scooby-Doo mythos now?
NC (vo): It looks like everything takes place in a town called Coolsville. But we know that's not true. The only population there is...
NC: (points thumbs toward himself, imitating Hogarth from The Iron Giant) Us!
NC (vo): As the credits roll, Shaggy, it looks like, is late to school and has problems fitting in.
(A beefy jock steps on Shaggy's foot, making him fall)
Jock (Devon Thomas): Had a nice trip, Shaggy? (laughs)
Shaggy (Nick Palatas): Hey, yep, sure did.
NC: You should see how they're treating Peter Parker.
(The clip from Spider-Man (2002) is shown, showing Peter running after the bus)
Peter Parker (Tobey Maguire): Hey! Stop the bus!
NC (vo): In fact, isn't that the same stock bully? Do they just make them in a factory?
(A jock raises his hand to high-five another student named Fred Jones, but then lowers it)
Fred (Robbie Amell): Grow up, man.
NC: (as Fred) Get a neckerchief or something.
(Velma Dinkley, as played by Hayley Kiyoko, is shown next)
NC (vo): Oh, yeah. That's supposed to be Fred, and this is supposed to be Velma, both looking very different from their traditional designs.
Roger: You see? Half of them don't even have to look like the characters anymore.
NC: Oh, come on. (takes off hat to scratch his head) A little change isn't such a big deal...
Roger: (surprised) Whoa! When did you shave your head?!
HFG: Oh, he did that a while ago.
Malcolm: Yeah, people are used to it.
Roger: And the different wall color?
HFG: That we'll never forgive.
(She shows her fist threateningly to NC, annoying him)
NC (vo): Things don't seem to get any better when they go to school.
(Shaggy, having fallen into a janitor's trash can with wheels (head inside), screams as the trash can rolls down through the school hallway, much to the janitor's annoyance)
Janitor (C. Ernst Harth): I hate this job. I never wanted to be a janitor. (Scoffs and leaves)
(Silently, NC turns to face HFG, Malcolm and Roger again)
NC: Well, go ahead, Fred and Velma. Write down the suspect. He doesn't like working there. Clearly, he's a suspect. Totally believable. (The three silently cross their arms at NC; they both look at each for a few quick moments) Okay, that was obviously a fake-out! But I don't see how the real culprit is revealed early!
(Shaggy flies out of the trash can right into the chair in Principal Deedle's office)
NC (vo): Like, look. Here's Shaggy randomly talking with the principal of the school.
Deedle (Shawn Macdonald): Friends, Mr. Rogers. Do you have any? / But you know what helped me? Stamp collecting. (opens up a stamp album) I'm particularly excited about my latest find. One-eyed Jack.
(NC has no words about it. Smiling, he glances at HFG, Roger and Malcolm again, and they are still crossing arms)
NC: I'm sure this character we just met going into great detail about his interest and backstory will tie into something. Anything.
Deedle: You'll notice that the jackrabbit has only one eye. Those are the most valuable.
NC: I'm sure all of this will have a connection to their characters!
NC: It's totally not just gonna pop up again at the end!
NC: There's so many ways this can tie into their personalities!
NC: (yells) IT'S SO OBVIOUSLY HIM!! Oh, my God, are you even trying?!
Roger: Like I said, this is how it's done now. Come on, guys.
NC: Wait! M-M-Maybe there's another mystery we can solve watching this!
Malcolm: Like what?
NC: Like...how long would it take for someone to figure out it was him just looking at the IMDb page.
(All three take out their phones and search)
NC: Ah! Jinkies! That's a good place to start! Let the mystery begin...
Roger: Actually, right away.
HFG: (shows her phone to NC) He's literally getting captured on the homepage. (A screenshot of the movie's IMDb page is shown, showing a shot of the villain's reveal in the pictures section)
NC: Dammit! Is nobody trying?!
Malcolm: Come on, guys. Let's see how they're ruining the live-action Tom and Jerry movie.
NC: (at the verge of tears) These are supposed to be problem-solving hijinks!
(Cut to the dog market at the town's fair)
NC (vo): Meanwhile, at an adoption fair, guess who's the pet of the day?
(This pet is a dog named Scooby-Doo, who is CGI-animated and is voiced by Frank Welker)
Mr. Pupperman (David Hurtubise): He's very affectionate. He'd bring a lot of joy to any family.
Woman: Are you kidding? That thing looks like it would eat us out of house and home.
NC: (as the woman) Or just...eat us.
(Scooby tries to get people's attention and succeeds: a girl and her father notice him)
NC (vo): I give credit that Scooby looks more like the cartoon in this version, in that, he looks two-dimensional and poorly animated. But sometimes, the people's reactions to him are just strange. Like, look at this father and daughter who decide to adopt him.
(Scooby gets excited and runs to the girl's father)
Father: No, no! No, no!
(The girl screams as Scooby jumps at her father and licks his face in front of everyone)
Girl: Daddy! Help! Someone, hey!
Father: Scoobert, stop! Get him off me!
NC: (as the father) MY GOD! LICKING! A dog jumping and licking me?! What does that?!
Father: This crazy mutt's out of control!
NC: (as the father) I am a Vietnam vet! I have seen terrible things, but the dog jumping on me and licking me?! THERE IS NO THERAPY OR CHURCH FOR THAT!!!
(Scooby is put in a cage and is taken away from Coolsville, but manages to escape. At night, he walks past the graveyard)
NC (vo): So after realizing Coolsville looks ironically dull, Scooby escapes from his cage and goes out on his own, coming across a graveyard where this seems to happen.
(A lightning strikes into graves of Ezekial Gallows and Prudence Prufrock, and their ghosts rise from the ground. Scared, Scooby bugs his eyes out)
NC: All right, let's play a game. What's more frightening?
NC (vo): The intentionally scary ghosts rising up from the grave?
NC: Or the unintentionally...
NC (vo): ...frightening eyes on Yogi Bear's ballsack here? (A green caption "THIS!" pops up below Scooby with a ding)
NC: (as a Grail Knight from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade) You have chosen...wisely.
(Scooby flees and accidentally runs into a basement that is the room belonging to Shaggy, awakening the latter)
NC (vo): Scooby runs away from the ghosts and comes across Shaggy's house where he sneaks in.
(Shaggy and Scooby scream in each other's faces. They do it again...and then Shaggy chuckles nervously)
NC: (as Shaggy) Whoa, I think this shit just got dim, man!
(Scooby closes the window with a curtain and hides under Shaggy's blanket, shivering)
Shaggy: What's the matter, boy? Something out there got you spooked?
NC: Um, Shaggy? Scooby's over there. (For some reason, a green arrow points to the right side of the frame) What's under that sheet and why now?
Shaggy: (looks at Scooby's name on his collar) Scoobert-Doo. Like, I wonder if people call you Scooby.
NC: I think anything sounds better than Scoobert. It sounds like someone...
(Bert and Scooter from The Muppets are shown fused together)
NC (vo): ...microwaved Bert and Scooter from The Muppets. It's all levels of unpleasant.
(The next day, Scooby plays with Shaggy, catching a Frisbee)
NC (vo): Naturally, the two of them get along, and they partake in this terrifying dance animation.
(Scooby dances with Shaggy on his hind legs, tongue out. All done in slow-motion)
NC: Now, let's play another game. (Four shots of Scooby's mouth open during his dance with Shaggy pop up below) Which of these random face caps will haunt you till your dying day? (A yellow caption "ALL OF THEM!" pops up above the shots with a ding) You know yourself well.
(Shaggy and Scooby walk inside a school bus. Scooby is dressed in full clothing, which includes a hoodie and sunglasses)
NC (vo): They dress him as the Scooba-Bomber and sneak him onto the bus.
(Scooby angrily growls at the jock from before)
Shaggy: Calm down, boy. (They sit down, with Scooby looking like he's doing a Kubrick stare)
NC (vo): You know, this damn dog has been scary enough already in this film. Do we really want to make him look like...
(The poster for the 2016 movie The Boy is shown, but with full-dressed Scooby at the poster's center, the title "Scooby" and the tagline "He's Got Some Work To Do Now")
NC (vo): ...a slasher from a low-budget horror film?
NC: Actually, screw it. Can we see that film instead?
(Scooby sneaks under the seats and bites a jock on his leg, making him bump into the bus' ceiling. Velma and another student Daphne Blake (Kate Melton) slap him with their bags)
NC (vo): Scooby causes trouble, though, resulting in the bus losing control.
(Vice Principal Grimes (Garry Chalk) drives to work in his fancy sports car, but not before breathing on its hood and cleaning it)
NC: (reassuringly) Well...he'll be fine.
(The bus drives into a flagpost, and it falls on Grimes' car and smashes its front window)
Grimes: (through his teeth) My new car!
NC: (as Grimes, tearfully) It had just two days left till retirement!
Grimes: (to a bus driver) Who is responsible for this?
NC (vo): Well, clearly, the driver... (The driver and the other students point at Scooby, Shaggy, Fred, Velma and Daphne in the middle of a fight) ...or them.
(Cut to Grimes scolding the kids in a school's library)
Grimes: You will spend two hours in this room every day, starting at 3:00 sharp. Got it?
NC: (as Velma) Well, we better start Breakfast Club or the Power Rangers.
Librarian (Lorena Gale): No talking, no texting and no eating. (starts to leave the room) Bad enough they cut my budget. Now I've gotta do double-duty with a bunch of illiterates.
(The stage lights appear with a title "Let's Hear It For The Random Librarian's Fakeout" as the audience cheers and the scene continues)
NC (vo; in an announcer voice): Let's hear it for the random librarian's fakeout! It wasn't the least bit convincing, but we had to give some impression the writers were trying. Some.
(The lights in the library suddenly flicker)
NC (vo): But the room starts shaking, as something supernatural seems to be going on.
(Ezekial and Prudence's ghosts rise from the book Velma was reading)
NC: Oh, no.
(The screenshot of Adam and Barbara Maitland's ghosts from Beetlejuice is shown)
NC (vo): All those reading from the Handbook for the Recently Deceased again!
(The ghosts chase the kids to the gym where a pep rally begins, hosted by Deedle)
NC (vo): They run into the gym during a pep rally, and...oh, look at that! The principal happens to be there, too.
NC: I...wonder if a masked character is gonna pop up soon.
(A green smoke fills the gym, and another ghost, the Specter, appears)
The Specter (Daniel Riordan): (laughs) Leave this place now, or pay for all eternity! (A student in a giant cougar mask is shown)
NC: (hand on cheek) You know, it's sad when...
NC (vo): ...a lifeless mascot looks more alive than (An earlier clip of Scooby-Doo pops up on the left) your supposedly living animal.
The Specter: Whoever chooses to remain here will be doomed!
NC (vo; as the Specter): Anyway, the password is "Fidelio", get undressed, let the orgy begin.
(A bright flash occurs, and everything goes dark. We cut to the kids running out of the school just in front of Grimes and Deedle)
NC (vo): The vice principal blames our heroes for this scare, though, because...eh, they're right there.
Grimes: It gives me great pleasure to inform you that you no longer have detentions. (The kids look relieved) Because now you're all suspended!
NC: (as Grimes) Now, if you kindly point me in the direction of something I could go "pffft" about... (Zack Morris (Mark-Paul Gosselaar) from Saved by the Bell is shown) Oh, yes, that's very good. Pffft!
Shaggy: Scooby-Doo, where are you?
(Scooby pops up from the ground, with a chamomile on his head)
Scooby: Right here!
NC (vo): Oh, come on, do you even watch the show?! It's not "Right here", it's...
Scooby-Doo: (from The New Scooby-Doo Movies intro) Over here!
NC: That's like saying...
(Cut to an image of Spock from from the original Star Trek TV show with a caption that says...)
NC (vo): ..."Live long and succeed in material terms or be financially successful".
NC: I know it's the same thing, (slams the table with his fist) but it's not the same thing!
(We are shown Scooby throwing Shaggy's stuff that's lying on the floor in the closet)
NC (vo): Shaggy invites everyone to his house to figure out what the story is behind these ghosts.
(Shaggy pretends to be sick so his mother (who is not shown onscreen) won't suspect anything)
Mrs. Rogers: There's extra soup in the fridge.
Shaggy: Thanks, Ma.
Mrs. Rogers: (walks upstairs) I'll be on my cell phone all day if you need anything.
(Shaggy gets up from the bed and goes to open the door for Fred and Daphne)
Shaggy: Fred, Daphne!
Fred: Hey, Shaggy. Sweet pad, Shag.
Shaggy: Thank you.
(Scooby throws a basketball into Shaggy's closet as the screen zooms in on a pretty weird-looking painting)
NC: (looking concerned) Huh. Is that a...
NC (vo): ...blacklight drawing of Sammy Davis Jr.? Even for Shaggy, that seems really odd.
NC: I mean, it was clearly Sinatra that coined the phrase "Scooby-Doo", but...knowing these writers, the only Rat Pack they probably know is these guys.
(Basil and Dawson from The Great Mouse Detective are shown. Velma arrives at Shaggy's with a laptop)
Velma: You are not gonna believe this.
NC (vo): So they look up who the ghosts at the pep rally seem to be. It looks like the Luteces are up to their old tricks again.
(On the laptop is a newspaper photo of one of the academy's founders holding a time capsule)
Shaggy: And time capsule? What's that?
Velma: It's a small container used to preserve historical artifacts in order to capture certain time.
NC: (as Velma) Like nostalgia, and the various ways you can cash in on it. (An image of the original animated Scooby-Doo is shown, before NC starts wondering about what he just said as the Nostalgia Critic logo is then shown)
(The following night, the kids and Scooby-Doo return to the closed Coolsville High)
NC (vo): So they sneak back into the school so they can examine the scene of the crime. (As the gang walks into the gym, a plate with the caption "It's All About Character!" is seen in the background) Sheesh, even the background is giving them hints on how to write a better movie.
Velma: (holding a flashlight that reveals the invisible ink) I took the liberty of borrowing this for our investigation. (She finds a glowing blot on the gym floor) Jinkies! Look at this.
Fred: What is it?
Velma: I'm not sure.
NC: And based on the fact that this is a high school, I don't know if I want to find out.
(Ezekial and Prudence's ghosts silently appear behind the gang's backs and possess two mannequins of football players)
NC (vo): But the ghosts attack by taking over football mannequins. You know, those usual football mannequins every school has.
Prudence: (in a mannequin) Care to play around? (charges at Fred, but he jumps over her)
Fred: Come on.
Prudence: (in a mannequin) Your luck just ran out! (charges again, but Fred ducks, so she crashes into some chairs)
NC (vo; as Prudence): Okay, to be fair, I'm a woman from the 1800s. I clearly don't know how to play football.
(Shaggy and Scooby run into the kitchen)
Shaggy: Let's go, Scoob!
(They hide in a room they don't know is a freezer, and Prudence, now out of the mannequin, closes the door on them. Shaggy and Scooby's eyes light up in the dark in a cartoony fashion)
Shaggy: Hey, Scoob. Where are we?
NC: (as Shaggy) And why do we suddenly look like...
NC (vo): ...Snoopy the Dog's breasts?
NC: Creepy stuff happens in the dark, man!
(The next morning, Grimes unlocks the freezer and discovers Shaggy and Scooby inside)
NC (vo): They're locked in the freezer, and the next day, they're discovered by the vice principal.
(Velma, Fred and Daphne observe a giant burning skull and a caption "BEWARE STAY AWAY" written on the school's walls)
Velma: Plainly, these paranormal poltergeists aren't pussyfooting around.
NC: (as Velma) We'll have to call Peter Piper and his peck of peppers for this!
(Grimes comes out with Shaggy and Scooby)
NC (vo): The vice principal asks if this was all Shaggy's doing.
Shaggy: No, it was just us.
Fred: Hold on. It wasn't just them. (comes close to Shaggy) I was there, too.
Daphne: (joins them) So was I.
Velma: (joins as well) Yeah.
NC: (as Scooby) I'm Spartacus!
Grimes: Well, I am pleased to inform you that your suspensions have been lifted.
Shaggy: Huh. Hallelujah!
NC: (as Grimes) You are now to be executed. Oh, yeah, we can do that!
NC (vo): They end up getting expelled, as Shaggy tries to think of who the other suspects could be.
(A janitor from the beginning appears in Shaggy's thought bubble)
Janitor: I hate this school. I never wanted to be a janitor.
NC: (as Shaggy) Like, I was totally in a trash can down the hall when he said that. (points at his head in shock) I got the shining!
(In Shaggy's another thought bubble, a librarian is shown)
Librarian: Now I've gotta do double-duty with a bunch of illiterates.
Shaggy: (gets an idea) Guys, we got suspects!
(NC inhales through his nose to keep cool and turns to HFG, Roger and Malcolm, who continue staring at him)
NC: See that? They got suspects. Mystery's getting good. (Silence) I know, everything in the world says one thing, but taking out facts, proof, evidence and character history, I really feel there's a solid case from these clearly unbalanced individuals! (They say nothing) Get to it! There's a mystery here! A good one! (No response) Scooby-Dooby-Doo, where are- (snaps and runs out of the chair in despair) Oh, God, this movie's stupid!!
HFG: Well, that one was easy.
Roger: I didn't even need to say a line.
Malcolm: Come on, guys. Let's insert live-action Hanna-Barbera joke here.
(All three leave the room via the back door)
Roger: So, Hyper. Is that your real name?
HFG: It's a way of life.
(And we go to a commercial. After coming back, we're shown Daphne putting makeup on Velma)
NC (vo): So the gang wants to interview the suspects, but can't be seen at the school, so they all work on disguises.
(While waiting for the girls, Fred plays with the bouncing ball, Shaggy reads the comic book and Scooby...swallows a fly with his tongue)
NC: (makes a "time out" gesture) Did Scooby just...
NC (vo): ...eat a fly like a frog?
NC: You guys have done episodes with...
(The stills showing several celebrity crossovers in Scooby-Doo franchise are shown)
NC (vo): ...the Harlem Globetrotters, KISS, and Don Knotts.
NC: How are you finding more ways to make this more insane?!
(Velma comes out without glasses, all tanned and wearing a sleeveless shirt (in short, looking pretty hot), astonishing Fred, Shaggy and Scooby)
NC (vo): They're apparently impressed, though, with how Daphne made over Velma.
Shaggy: You can say that again, Scoob.
Scooby: Hubba-hubba. (pants)
NC: (smirking) Congratulations. You're attractive to a dog. Achievement unlocked. (An XBox achievement box pops up with the caption "Attractive to Dog")
(The gang walks back to high school in slow-motion. Fred is now looking like a rapper with sunglasses, Daphne is a goth girl, and Shaggy and Scooby...just tiptoe, hiding in garbage cans)
(Grimes approaches Fred and Daphne and points out Fred's baggy pants)
Grimes: Pull your pants up, Droopy Drawers.
NC: "Droopy Drawers"? Isn't that the name of...
(Cut to Scooby-Dum from The Scooby-Doo Show)
NC (vo): ...Scooby's cousin or something?
NC: Or am I thinking...
(The DVD cover for the 2011 movie Scooby-Doo: A XXX Parody is shown with the caption "With Droopy Droors")
NC (vo): ...of the porno version?
NC: I'm fine not knowing the answer to either.
(Velma comes at the library and speaks with the librarian, while Fred and Daphne go into the storage to find the janitor)
NC (vo): So they spy on the two suspects and find the librarian is clean, and the janitor is...
(The janitor is wearing a black cloak and is happily dancing to the camera he installed)
NC: ...possibly gonna kill someone, but hasn't yet.
(Upon returning to Shaggy's basement, the gang observes two books about the supernatural Velma has found)
NC (vo): So they now suspect the vice principal, because of course that's the next probable choice!
Fred: Velma, can you find out where he lives?
Velma: He lives on top of Coolsville Mountain. It'd take us all night to ride our bikes up there.
NC: Teachers don't get paid shit. How the hell...
NC (vo): ...is he living at the top of a mountain?!
NC: Unless he's in a hut, waiting...
(The clip from The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King is shown)
NC (vo): ...to light the beacons of Gondor...
NC: ...I don't see how this is possible!
(Shaggy shows his driving license)
NC (vo): Shaggy reveals he can drive them up there because he has a license and is older than he looks because he was held back.
Shaggy: (cries into Velma's shoulder) Like, all right! I got held back.
(Scooby sighs in disappointment as his thought bubble appears. In this bubble, a mathematical example is shown: Shaggy plus "F" mark equals Shaggy in a long dunce hat. The hat pops the bubble up, and Scooby gasps)
NC: (poker-faced) Well, that was an unnecessary dive into Scooby's thought process.
NC (vo): Wouldn't a more fitting conclusion be something like this?
(Next to Scooby, two posters pop up: for WrestleMania Mystery and Curse of the Speed Demon movies. Adding them up equals...a man vomiting, shown with an appropriate sound effect. We cut to the kids and Scooby entering Daphne's garage)
NC (vo): So they go to find a car from Daphne's extremely rich family.
Daphne: Right behind you. (The car is a green van)
Shaggy: How groovy!
NC: (as Shaggy, grinning) We can kidnap a ton of kids with that!
Velma: 300,000 miles? It's a mystery this machine still runs.
NC: Cool. Hey, did you also know...
NC: NOBODY CARES!
(Shaggy tries to start a van, but turns the windscreen wipers on by mistake)
Shaggy: Oh, good. Um...those are working. (turns the key again to stop the wipers) Heh. And now to just start us up.
(The screen zooms on the Huckleberry Hound bobblehead in the foreground)
NC (vo): Is it weird that all I'm thinking about is what that useless toy cameo front and center is thinking? (as Huckleberry Hound, singing) Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God, this scene is shit. It goes on and on forever. How did this film get greenlit?
(The van finally starts driving)
NC (vo): They drive to the vice principal's house where they have some friendly conversations in the car.
(Velma looks at Daphne)
Daphne: (chuckles) What?
Velma: Oh, nothing. It's just... Since we started this investigation, so many of my theories have been disproved.
NC: (as Velma) Like the theory that I'm attractive to boys.
Daphne: You were right about the chemical. And you found the name.
Velma: No, no, not about that stuff. About...you.
NC: ...I refer you back to my last joke.
NC (vo): They make it to the vice principal's house where they split up and search for clues.
(Fred, Daphne and Velma go their way, and Shaggy puts on a gas mask)
Shaggy: Come on, Scoob. Let's see if it works.
Scooby: Aye-aye, captain. (farts) Hee-hee-hee-hee.
Shaggy: Fresh as a daisy. (He removes the mask, laughing)
NC: You know, I hear Scooby offset does an amazing Julius Caesar.
(A picture of the 2008 Shakespeare theater play is shown, but with Dan Kremer's head replaced with Scooby's)
NC (vo): His rendition of "Rends, rountrymen, rend me your rears" sends shivers down the New York Times critic...
NC: ...but...you know, he...does the fart stuff to pay the bills. Rough.
(Ezekial and Prudence's ghosts are seen floating above the ceiling)
NC (vo): The ghosts appear to be waiting for them, and...
(The ghosts possess the toy planes and fire at Shaggy)
NC: Why are you going in planes?! You're ghosts! That's enough!
NC (vo): It's like if Freddy Krueger went into the soul of a fly!
(NC hears buzzing and a familiar voice)
Freddy Fly (Doug): Hey! I'm a fly, bitch! I'm a goddamn fly! (Malcolm appears to swat the insect...to no avail again) Wow, you really do suck at this.
(Malcolm sighs, and NC angrily pushes him out of the shot. In the movie, Fred, Daphne and Velma find the third supernatural book and some of Grimes' research)
NC (vo): So it looks like... (sighs in despair) they solve the mystery of who did it.
Fred: Time capsule?
Velma: It's gotta be what he's after.
Fred: We did it! We solved the mystery!
NC: (as Fred, looks at his phone) And with 20 minutes to spare. Anyone wanna play Clue? I bet we'll all suck at it!
NC (vo): The ghosts scare them outside, where they fall into a trap.
(The Specter appears in front of the gang, glowing green)
NC (vo; as the Specter): I am the Great and Poorly-Rendered Oz!
(The Specter uses sleeping gas of the gang, and they fall on the ground. They wake up in the school's gym where the Specter already dug up a hole to a time capsule. He then presents tied-up Scooby in a cage)
NC (vo): He gases them and takes them to the high school, where he forces them to find the capsule or he'll kill Scooby.
Shaggy: You'll never get away with this, Vice Principal Grimes!
NC: Yes, because those two...
(A clip of Grimes is shown next to the Specter)
NC (vo): ...clearly have the same build of one another!
NC: Peter Dinklage was my next guess.
(Shaggy lowers a rope down the hole)
Fred: Shaggy, what are you doing?
NC (vo; as Shaggy): Hanging myself. I want out of this film.
Shaggy: Scooby-Doo's my dog, and I'd do anything to save him.
(The kids go underground. A piece of cardboard almost falls on Velma, but Fred jumps on her to save her, and the cardboard piece goes through them via the doorway hole)
NC (vo): They head down to find the capsule, where we come across a very strange...thing moment.
Fred: (to Velma) Are you okay?
Velma: Never better. Heh. (Fred smiles)
NC: (astounded) Has anyone anywhere ever shipped Velma and Fred? W-W-Was that in high demand?
NC (vo): I'm gonna take a wild guess and say (A heart icon and the art of Shaggy and Scooby hugging are shown) Scooby and Shaggy have more slash art than these two.
(The kids can't find the capsule, so they decide to capture the Specter anyway)
NC (vo): It doesn't go anywhere anyway, as they trick the villain into coming down.
Shaggy: I think we found it. But the problem is...
Fred: It's really heavy.
(The Specter gets down, picks up one of his books and looks around)
The Specter: Well, all right. Where is it?
NC: (as the Specter, arms akimbo) Well, come on. Let me have it. I insist that you let me have it! And I mean that in a completely unironic way...
(Fred knocks the Specter off the ground with the shopping cart)
NC (vo; still as the Specter): Oh, no, an ironic way!
(The kids take hold of the book, and Shaggy reads a spell to get rid of Ezekial and Prudence's ghosts, but more ghosts are awakened, and they wreak havoc in Coolsville)
NC (vo): They get the book from him and try undoing the spells, but that only releases more ghosts. And, funny enough, they forgot to write in how this affects our heroes as the ghosts never make their way towards them. They just go after random people. (An old lady opens the microwave and is scared by a chef ghost) I mean, what are we supposed to say here? "Oh, no, that lady won't be able to microwave her lasagna!" It's like saying...
(NC is frantically turning pages in the book he's holding while the animated goblin slowly approaches him from his right)
NC: I need to find the spell to get rid of these monsters! Ishkabibble, ishkaboo! (Something blows up in the background, and the goblin stops in place) Oh. Now it seems there's monsters in Australia. (Goes back to flipping the pages nervously as the goblin unfreezes)
NC (vo): Actually, some of these ghosts may get a little too friendly.
(A convict ghost floats up from under the car with a young couple inside it and kisses a girl on her cheek)
NC: ...I'm just assuming he was tying her shoe.
(Just as Ezekial and Prudence fly close to the kids, Shaggy reads the spell to free them from the Specter's control, and they, as well as the other ghosts in the town, return to their graves)
NC (vo): They finally say the spell to send all the ghosts back, but our main villain is still there.
(Fred prepares to throw his flashlight at Specter, but he takes a lit dynamite stick out of nowhere)
The Specter: You think that changes anything?
NC: How long did he have that dynamite lit?!
NC (vo): It's pretty damn good timing. If even one thing got delayed, this scene would be like...
The Specter: You think that changes anything? I'm still the o- (An explosion occurs)
NC: Though the film would be a lot shorter.
(Scooby manages to unlock the cage, leaps on the Specter and ties him up with the rope)
NC (vo): Scooby escapes and saves the day, though, leading them to discover really the only person left...and they're still somehow surprised by it!
(Fred unmasks the Specter, and it's revealed it was Deedle who was behind all this)
All: (in unison) Principal Deedle?!
Deedle: You ruined everything.
Velma: This doesn't make any sense.
NC: Really?! This doesn't make sense?! (Pause) I mean, okay, i-i-it's a guy dressing up as a ghost to get the time capsule. I mean, in the real world, yeah, I'm sure, but I mean that in Scooby-Doo... Really?!
NC (vo): Of course, he reveals what we already knew that the rare stamp he was talking about in the beginning was in the time capsule, and this was all a ploy to get it. I feel like there could have been several ways to accomplish this not including raising the dead, but...he says the thing.
Deedle: And it would have been all mine, if it weren't for you meddling kids and your dog.
NC: Are people not saying "mangy" anymore? I love "mangy". Bring back "mangy".
(Deedle is fired from his job and is sent to prison for his crimes, and the gang is publicly congratulated (and unexpelled) by Grimes (the new principal) who also apologizes for falsely accusing them)
NC (vo): The students are praised for their work and given a celebration in their honor.
Daphne: It was a combination of Fred's leadership...
Fred: Velma's brains...
Velma: Daphne's resourcefulness...
Shaggy: And the most important ingredient of all...
NC: (as Shaggy) Pot.
Shaggy: ...our friendship.
NC: No, no. It's definitely pot.
(After the celebration is ended and the time capsule is buried, the group discusses their future)
Fred: I can't believe it. We solved an actual mystery.
NC: Actually, you didn't.
NC (vo): You had the wrong suspects the whole time until you unmasked him.
NC: You escaped death by blind luck, but that doesn't look as good on the side of a van.
(The Mystery Machine is shown, but with the title "The Escaped Death By Blind Luck Machine". Shaggy feeds Scooby some snacks)
NC (vo): Shaggy, however, takes some of the dog treats he made earlier and decides to give them a name.
Shaggy: Would you do it for a Scooby Snack?
Scooby: Wooby Wack?
Shaggy: Yeah. I figure you love these treats so much, I'd name them after you.
NC: (as Shaggy) Somehow, I'll manufacture them (The shot of Velma from the original cartoon holding a box of Scooby Snacks is shown) and get no credit, but at least we have an incredibly wonky origin story now.
(The movie's final sequence is shown, which is a live-action recreation of Scooby-Doo, Where Are You! and The Scooby-Doo Show's intros)
NC (vo): We end with tons of scenes either recreating the cartoon or we wish were in the film we saw, and the movie finally ends. It's really amazing how much of this does and yet somehow doesn't connect to the cartoon. I guess just like the other Scooby-Doo movies, when you really think about it.
Roger: So, Critic, now do you see why I didn't try as hard on this one?
NC: I don't know, Roger. Maybe we can solve the mystery of why you didn't try... (Roger rolls his eyes, and HFG and Malcolm stare in disapproval) Yeah, it's pretty obvious.
(The film's clips are shown for the last time as NC goes to his closing thoughts)
NC (vo): The movie is bad, but it's bad in a different way from the other Scooby films. Those movies were at least creative in how awful and unfocused they were. This one is just kind of bland and generic. On the one hand, it makes sense: it's a kids TV movie with a much lower budget. But it's instantly forgettable. I mean, the acting is fine for the most part, and the effects, for a kids film, I guess are passable, but in a weird way, it's even more infuriating that you can't get that angry at it. At least the other two were spectacularly bad. This one is just...unimpressively bad. I don't know if you want to take that as a compliment or an insult, but it's still a Scooby turd I suggest passing up.
NC: So, I guess if we're not gonna do a mystery, we might as well put the costumes back. (He gets up and goes to the prop room with his Shaggy shirt) You know, it's a shame, Roger. I was really looking forward to do something with-
(He sees that Rob Walker is lying on the floor, dead)
NC: Oh, yeah. Roger's still a psycho. Well, we'll show hi-
(He turns his head back to see...Malcolm and HFG also lying dead, and Roger is nowhere to be seen)
NC: And you're dead, too. Okay. Well, there's only thing to do in this situation! Netflix and chill!
(Cut to NC sitting on the couch and eating chips, putting his legs on the dead Rob, Malcolm and HFG and watching A Pup Named Scooby-Doo, the beginning of the intro of which is heard. Fade to black. Then...we're shown a silent movie screen that reads: "That's how it could have happened. But how about this?" We return to the shot we ended the review on. The pixelated fairy flies out of the chips bag and sprinkles some dust on Rob, Malcolm and HFG. They wake up, dazed)
HFG: What was that?
NC: Oh, that happens whenever somebody dies around here.
Malcolm: You should really get some Raid for that. (slaps himself on the head) Oh!
NC: Let's see who this dinosaur really is!
(NC unmasks him to reveal Rob)
NC: Let's see who this Rob really is!
(Behind Rob...there is another Rob)
NC: Let's see who THIS Rob really is!
(Rob Scallon is unmasked...and there is little change, with the exception of a fake mustache)
All: Old Man Rob?!
NC: Let's see who Old Man Rob REALLY Is!
(Another unmasking is followed, and it's...Dino Rob with a fake mustache)
All: Old Man Dinosaur?!
NC: Came full circle. Kinda.
Tamara: Guys, what are we doing?
(Malcolm glances at the camera. The credits start to roll. We're then shown a blooper of NC eating chips and throwing them on the floor, but accidentally hitting Rob on his glasses. Rob blinks, and everyone breaks in laughter)
Malcolm: That's funny.
Rob: I had my eyes open, so... Dammit, you beat me.
Doug: Give me a break, man. (giggles)
(The rest of the credits roll)
Channel Awesome tagline - Shaggy and Scooby screaming into each other's faces