(The Channel Awesome logo and 2020 Nostalgia-Ween title sequence play. Then we open on NC in his room as always, but it's dark in there, save for a fire in the middle of the room and a flashlight on his face. Bach's "Tocatta and Fugue in D Minor" plays in the background on an organ.)
NC: (scary voice) Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to.
(Tamara and Malcolm are then seen, also with flashlights in front of their faces.)
Tamara: Critic, this is weird.
Malcolm: Yeah, why the hell are we doing this?
NC: Fools! Don't you know today we're discussing Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark?
Tamara: Yeah, but so what?
NC: The only way to talk about Scary Stories is to gather around a campfire and read them in the spookiest way possible. Speaking of which, where are your campfires?
Tamara: We're indoors, you psycho! We're just doing flashlights!
Malcolm: Yeah, what the hell are you burning?!
NC: (waving dismissively) Oh, you know, anything safe and controlled.
(The camera then shows where the fire is coming from: a bunch of plastic gas cans on top of a wooden dresser.)
NC: Now, are we gonna start this thing or what?
Malcolm: We're waiting on you. You're the one with the book.
NC: Indeed. (takes out a book labeled "Scary Stories Treasury") Here it is, the complete "Scary Stories" collection. Here we go. (puts it on his lap, opens the book and reads) "Our story takes place decades ago when a group of geeky boys (becomes confused) and one girl are being picked on by bullies..."
Tamara: Wait, isn't that Stephen King's "It"?
NC: Yeah, that's strange. (takes page out of book and tosses it aside) How did that get in there? (looks at book again) Ah, here we go.
(An illustration of the boy in "The Big Toe", one of the actual "Scary Stories" is shown.)
NC (vo): (reading) "The boy trembled with agony as the voice kept calling out, (creepy voice) 'Where's my toe?'"
NC: (wiggling his fingers) "'Where's my toe?'"
Tamara: (flatly) Ooh.
Malcolm: (also flatly) Ooh.
NC: "Then the book started writing itself and the geeky kid was (becomes confused again) shocked to find it was all happening in real life..."
Malcolm: Wait, that's "Neverending Story".
NC: What the hell's going on? (removes this page as well) Other random tales are working themselves in where they don't belong!
Tamara: Just keep going. Maybe it goes back on track.
NC: Ah, yes! Here we go. (reading) "The pale woman..."
(Cut to a shot of the illustration of the pale woman in question.)
NC (vo): "...had black eyes and crept closer and closer..."
NC: (becomes confused again) "Then the geeky kid said if they want to break the curse to stop the stories coming to life, they have to confront the ghoulish CGI entity..."
Malcolm: Dude, that's "Goosebumps".
NC: No, no, it's a different book series.
Malcolm: I mean Goosebumps: The Movie. That's the script of Goosebumps: The Movie.
NC: (taking script out) Dude, how did that even fit in there?!
Tamara: Just skip to the end. Does it wrap up like a "Scary Stories" book or not?
NC: It doesn't end, it just says, "Percy Jackson-style sequel baiting."
Malcolm: So these "frightened" you when you were younger?
NC: (holds up "Scary Stories Treasury"; anguished) THIS ISN'T "SCARY STORIES"! I mean, sometimes it is, but mostly it's just a weak retread of other various stories!
(Suddenly, they spot another man (played by Rob), also shining a flashlight on his face.)
Man: (speaking in a thick accent) How's this thanks to me?
(NC yelps in surprise, as does this man.)
Tamara: (excited) Guillermo del Toro!
Malcolm: The master of masters!
Tamara: Are you joining our spooky campfire, too?
Del Toro: No, this is just how I talk to everyone online.
NC: Del Toro, you're a talented filmmaker. (holds up "Scary Stories Treasury") How did you miss the mark with this?
Del Toro: Well, I planned to direct a film version of "Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark"...
Malcolm: Of course!
Tamara: Sure to be a masterpiece.
Del Toro: ...but then I decided, "Nah."
Malcolm: Well played.
Tamara: It would not have matched your brilliance.
Del Toro: But I still wrote and produced it.
Malcolm: An inspired choice.
Tamara: I will kill whoever you want me to kill.
Del Toro: Wow. Whenever I leave a project, the people who take over...
(A montage of shots of movie posters is shown: Pacific Rim: Uprising, the Hobbit trilogy, the remake of The Witches.)
Del Toro (vo): ...know how to capture my...
Del Toro: ...original intent.
NC: Do they?
Del Toro: I don't care, I'm working on fifty other things.
NC: (massaging his temples) With films like this, it shows.
(The title for this movie is shown, followed by footage of it.)
NC (vo): Based on the hit collection of spooky folklore that was actually banned from some schools...
(Shots of the book series, three in all, are superimposed.)
NC (vo): ...Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark left a gigantic impression on countless kids. From the classic stories passed from generation to generation to those blood-curling illustrations that are masterworks in their own right, they are just as memorable and timeless now as they were when they were published in the '80s and '90s. So like many, I was hyped as hell to hear a movie was being made about them, hoping this would be a legitimately frightening kids like the ones we used to get in the '80s and possibly a new generation's (Posters for the following are superimposed...) Creepshow, Trick 'r Treat, or Tales from the Darkside. But while the first part came true, being so intense it got a PG-13 rating, Scary Stories sadly wasn't an anthology film, only sneaking in elements from the books and focusing on a completely different plot. I guess we've seen properties (Posters for the following are superimposed: Spider-Man: Into the Spider-verse, The Lego Movie, Wes Craven's New Nightmare and Joker) try a different, even self-aware angle before and achieved great success, but where I'll always remember Miles Morales or Arthur Fleck, I'm not gonna remember... I've forgotten their names already! But with decent critical reactions, audience reactions, and even a sequel on the way, should we be content with a passable film containing some great scenes? Or should we be pissed that we could have gotten one of the great game-changing horror films, particularly for younger people?
Tamara: I just don't know. Del Toro, what should we think?
Del Toro: I think you should love whatever want and eat worms for protein.
Malcolm: (raising index finger excitedly) On it! (runs off)
NC: (deadpan) You're all nuts.
Tamara: Oh, yeah? I didn't see you turn on a light. What's lighting up your office?
(NC looks over offscreen. There is a huge fire in his room, coming from a pile of clothes on the couch!)
NC: (deadpan) My glowing personality?
Tamara: Yeah, okay.
NC: This is Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark. (glances toward the fire again) Which is not gonna be for a while.
(The film opens on a black screen with nothing on it.)
NC (vo): The film opens with a narration that sounds like that one kid who tried waaaaay too hard in your creative writing class.
Female narrator: Stories hurt. They make us who we are. They have...such power. This I learned.
NC: (as female narrator, reading from a paper) "And what's the cause? Eating cows." (leans forward sharply) MONSTERS!
Offscreen voice: Amy, see me after class.
NC (vo): We start off in 1968, and to answer your question, I'm not entirely sure why. At first, it's cool, as it has both a faded but also vibrant color palette that a lot of films of the '60s and '70s had, (sighs) but it's still modern horror, so, you know...green and green and...green and... (The screen flashes red) Ooh! Red! (The screen goes back to green again) No, no, back to green. When did this become a scary color? Black, brown, blue, like I said, even red, but green is more a relaxing color, often associated with safety.
(A description of the color green is briefly superimposed, reading: "Green is the color of nature. It symbolizes growth, harmony, freshness, and fertility. Green has strong emotional correspondence with safety.")
NC (vo): It's not even a sickly, like in The Boys or Fight Club; it's like a tree leaf green. I guess you could argue this movie's playing around with the idea, like taking a safe color and making it threatening; you know, messing with your expectations, creating a false sense of security, but...
Young man: Now for the coup de grace!
NC (vo): ...I don't think this film's smart enough for that. Anyway, we're introduced to our main character, Stella, played by Zoe Margaret Colletti, who is a hipster (A pair of glasses is added onto her (even though she already wears glasses)) before there were hipsters.
Voice on walkie-talkie: Stella?
Stella: I don't want to go trick-or-treating.
(Cut to the person speaking to her: a boy named Chuck (played by Austin Zajur), who is blowing into an aquarium fish net for some reason)
Chuck: Get all the eggs and TP you can and meet us at 7.
NC: You can tell he's a geek because he blows into aquarium nets! (beat) Th-That cliche...
NC (vo): This is Chuck, played by Austin Zajur, and Augie, played by Gabriel Rush. They're the Losers Club without the laughs.
Chuck: (to Augie) At least I'm not a clown.
Augie: I'm a Pierrot.
Chuck: (snickers) Clown.
NC: Thank you for that pause (waves a whirling motion with his hand) so you can let the roar of laughter fill the theater.
Augie: (points to some candy Chuck received) Do you know what's even in those? The same toxic chemicals that's giving our troops Hodgkin's– (Chuck downs the whole boxful) And you ate them all.
Chuck: (his mouth full) Is that why they taste so good? (throws empty box at Augie)
NC: Am I supposed to like them? 'Cause so far the only thing the film's doing is I want...
NC (vo): ...to see them horribly murdered! However, I will give this film some leeway (The camera zooms in on Augie, with a shot of Art the Clown from Terrifier shown on the side) if it's a Terrifier prequel.
Stella: He's not gonna show.
Chuck: What? No, he'll show.
NC (vo): Also, give him props; this is pretty sweet revenge on a bully by putting shit in a candy bag, knowing he'll steal.
(Said bully, Tommy (played by Austin Abrams) reaches his hand out of his car and grabs a bag of what looks like candy off a tree branch as they drive by. He reacts in horror, however, when he sees what it really is. They stop the car abruptly as Stella and her friends throw eggs at the car)
Chuck: (throwing eggs) Pull on this, asshole!
Tommy: (seeing them) Little shit!
|The Nostalgia Critic Transcripts
||Transformers · Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue · Cloverfield Trailer Review · Power Rangers: A Look Back · Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Book Launch · Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Movies · The Top 11 Scariest Nostalgic Moments · Super Mario Bros.: The Movie · Cloverfield Review · Street Fighter · Mortal Kombat · Space Jam · The Nerd Rant · The Nerd Rant Part 2 · Pokémon The First Movie · The Nerd Wizard Rant · The Wizard · The Top 11 Naughtiest Moments in Animaniacs · Batman & Robin · The Top 11 Catchiest Theme Songs · '90s Sports Montage · The Nerd Response…Response · The Top 11 Drug PSAs · The Battle of Epic Proportions · Captain Planet · Double Dare · 3 Ninjas · Top 11 Hottest Animated Women · Video Game Review · The Search for the Nostalgia Chick · He-Man and the Masters of the Universe · Follow That Bird · Saved By the Bell · Tom and Jerry: The Movie · Top 11 Saddest Moments · Nostalgia Chick Winner · Surf Ninjas · NC vs The Nerd Showdown · Top 11 Nostalgic Animated Shows · Kazaam · The Nerd vs. NC: The Final Battle · Off to Beat the Nerd · Drew Struzan Tribute · Halloween '08 Special · Double Dragon · Top 11 Underrated Nostalgic Classics · Howard the Duck · Mortal Kombat: Annihilation · Godzilla · Top 11 Disney Villains · The Super Mario Bros. Super Show · Top 12 Greatest Christmas Specials · Jingle All the Way
||Nicktoons · Nickcoms · SNICK · Good Burger · The Making of the Final Battle · Ferngully: The Last Rain Forest · A Kid in King Arthur's Court · The Good Son · The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog · Top 11 Nostalgic Mindfucks · Twister · Garbage Pail Kids · Rock-A-Doodle · Titanic - The Legend Goes On · The Pagemaster · The NeverEnding Story · Moonwalker · Top 11 Dumbest Superman Moments · TMNT · Red Sonja · TGWTG Team Brawl · Short Circuit 1 & 2 · Batman vs. The Dark Knight · Full House · North · Critic and Nerd: TMNT Making of Coming Out of Their Shells · Sidekicks · Gargoyles · Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen · Steel · Top 11 Cereal Mascots · Barb Wire · New vs Old - LOTR Animated vs Lord of the Rings · Last Action Hero · Captain N · We're Back: A Dinosaur's Story · Warriors of Virtue · Captain America · Top 11 F*ckups · Alone in the Dark · Blank Check · Old vs. New: Willy Wonka · Cool as Ice · Suburban Commando · Next Karate Kid · Casper · Superman IV · Congo · Siskel and Ebert Tribute · Judge Dredd · Tank Girl · Jack Frost · He-Man and She-Ra Christmas Special · Next Best Christmas Specials · Star Wars Holiday Special · Ernest Saves Christmas
||Commando · Junior · Conan and Conan the Destroyer · End of Days · Battlefield Earth · Bebe's Kids · Lost in Space · Top 11 Villain Songs · Quest for Camelot · Old vs. New: Nutty Professor · Bio-Dome · NeverEnding Story II · Top 11 Most Awkward Christopher Walken Moments · Flubber · Home Alone 3 · Old vs. New: King Kong · Drop Dead Fred · The Care Bears Movie · Kickassia: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6 · Jaws 3 · Free Willy · A Troll in Central Park · Theodore Rex · Top 11 Coolest Cliches · Hook · Independence Day · The Room · The Phantom · Zeus and Roxanne · Animaniacs Tribute · Flintstones Movie · Mr. Nanny · Rocky IV · Chairman of the Board · Next Top 11 NC Fuckups · Pound Puppies and the Legend of Big Paw · Pebble and the Penguin · Ernest Scared Stupid · Top 11 Scariest Performances · IT · Leprechaun · My Pet Monster · Commercial Special · Old vs. New: 10 Commandments vs. Prince of Egypt · The Thief and the Cobbler · Waterworld · Little Monsters · Rover Dangerfield · You're a Rotten Dirty Bastard · The First Couple: TMNT
||NeverEnding Story III · Ferngully 2 · Secret of NIMH 2 · Care Bears 2 · Dungeons and Dragons · Top 11 Dumbest Spider-Man Moments · The Lost World: Jurassic Park · Return of the Nostalgic Commercials · Inspector Gadget · Old vs. New: The Karate Kid · The Langoliers · Airborne · Baby Geniuses · Raiders of the Story Arc: X-Men · The Magic Voyage · Double Team · Top 11 Dumbasses in Distress · Jaws: The Revenge · Gordy · The OTHER Animated Titanic Movie · Revenge of the Nostalgic Commercials · Once Upon a Forest · Little Nemo · Old vs. New: True Grit · Suburban Knights: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7 · Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon · Milk Money · Rad · Raiders of the Story Arc: Duck Tales · Care Bears in Wonderland · Cop and a Half · Top 11 Batman TAS Episodes · Alaska · Let's Play Bart's Nightmare · James and the Giant Peach · The Avengers · Simon Sez · The Tommyknockers · The Haunting · Blair Witch 2: Book of Shadows · Exorcist 2 · Doug's 1st Movie · The Cell · Raiders of the Story Arc: Superman · Felix the Cat · Moulin Rouge · Babes in Toyland · How the Grinch Stole Christmas · Child's Play
||Santa Claus: The Movie · Star Trek: The Motion Picture · Star Trek 3: The Search for Spock · Star Trek 5: The Final Frontier · Star Trek 7: Generations · Star Trek 9: Insurrection · Patch Adams · Ponyo · Dunston Checks In · Thomas and the Magic Railroad · Top 11 Nostalgia Critic F*** Ups Part 3 · Richie Rich · Jungle 2 Jungle · Old vs. New: Manhunter vs. Red Dragon · Star Chaser · Transformers Cartoon · A Simple Wish · Alien Resurrection · Jack · Heavy Metal · Mr. Magoo · Top 11 Simpsons Episodes · Signs · Digimon: The Movie · Top 11 F*** YEAH Movie Themes · Baby Geniuses 2 · Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom · The Wiz · Total Recall (with Sci-Fi Guy) · Scooby-Doo · To Boldly Flee: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8 · NC's Top 11 Favorite Jokes · The WORST Movies Nostalgia Critic's Reviewed
||The Review Must Go On · The Odd Life of Timothy Green · Pearl Harbor · Son of the Mask · The King and I · Catwoman · The Cat in the Hat · Top 11 South Park Episodes · Jurassic Park · A.I. Artificial Intelligence · The Master of Disguise · Turbo - A Power Rangers Movie · Top 11 Dumbest Lord of the Rings Moments · Sailor Moon · Les Miserables · Top 11 Adult Jokes We Never Got as Kids · The Last Airbender · Bridge to Terabithia · The Shining Mini-Series · Sharknado · Devil · Dawn of the Commercials · Man of Steel · Top 12 Santa Clauses · Eight Crazy Nights · The Christmas Tree
||Face/Off · The Wicker Man · Ghost Rider · Top 11 Strangest Best Couples · Ghost Dad · Disney's Alice in Wonderland · Top 11 Moments You Never Noticed in Ghostbusters · Disney Afternoon · Foodfight · Swan Princess · The Lorax · Old vs. New: Spider-Man · Blues Brothers 2000 · Jurassic Park 3 · After Earth · Bloodrayne · The Purge · Top 11 Trailers · Small Soldiers · The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement · Ghost Rider 2 · Top 11 Worst Avatar Episodes · Top 11 Best Avatars (with Dante Basco) · Maximum Overdrive · Top 11 New Halloween Classics · Monster Squad · Rise of the Commercials · Forest Warrior · Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer (NC) · Christmas Story 2 · Care Bears Nutcracker
||The Matrix · The Animatrix · The Matrix Reloaded · The Matrix Revolutions · AVGN Movie · Mamma Mia! · The Haunted Mansion · Daredevil · Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014) · Demolition Man · Top 11 Animaniacs Episodes · Legend of Zorro · The Ewoks Cartoon - Was That Real? · Fantastic Four · Cowboys of Moo Mesa - Was That Real? · Sharkboy and Lavagirl · Small Wonder - Was That Real? · Jupiter Ascending · Jurassic World · Top 11 TV Show Intros · Planet of the Apes · Osmosis Jones · Garfield: The Movie · Pixels · The Smurfs · Hammerman - Was That Real? · Mad Max: Fury Road · Event Horizon · Children of the Corn · Hocus Pocus · Conquest of the Commercials · Dragon's Lair · We Wish You a Turtle Christmas · Christmas with the Kranks · Star Wars: The Force Awakens (NC)
||The Happening · Top 11 Funniest Shyamalan Moments · Lady in the Water · Labyrinth · Spawn · Cats & Dogs · The Phantom of the Opera · The Adventures of Pluto Nash · Pinky, Elmyra and the Brain - Was That Real? · Batman v Superman · Blade · Old vs. New: Cinderella · Spy Kids 3D: Game Over · Jem and the Holograms (2015) · The Grinch vs. The Cat in the Hat - Was That Real? · Scooby-Doo 2 · Alvin and the Chipmunks · Ghostbusters (2016) · Teddy Ruxpin Live Action Series - Was That Real? · Wild Wild West · The 3rd Animated Titanic Movie (Tentacolino) · The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle · Stephen King's Dreamcatcher · Freddy vs. Jason · Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows · Battle of the Commercials · Inspector Gadget Saves Christmas · Top 12 Christmas Commercials · I'll Be Home For Christmas · Rogue One: A Star Wars Story
||Top 11 Best Movie Sequels · Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel · Top 11 Worst Movie Sequels · The Smurfs 2 · Garfield 2: A Tail of Two Kitties · Cool World · Old vs. New: Evil Dead · Top 11 WTF Alternate Endings · Balto · Fant4stic · Clockstoppers · The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas · Suicide Squad Trailer · Suicide Squad · Alien vs. Predator · Transformers: The Last Knight NON-Review · Wonder Woman · Norm of the North · Hulk (2003) · Monkeybone · The Sorcerer's Apprentice · Eragon · Kangaroo Jack · Green Lantern · It (2017) · The Mummy · The Mummy (2017) · Dragonball Evolution · War of the Commercials · Rapsittie Street Kids: Believe in Santa · Home Alone 2: Lost in New York · Star Wars: The Last Jedi
||Lara Croft: Tomb Raider · Top 11 Good Adam Sandler Movies · Yogi Bear · Batman Forever · Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked · Alice Through the Looking Glass · Beauty and the Beast (2017) · Jack and Jill · Starship Troopers · Scooby-Doo: The Mystery Begins · The Spirit · Deadpool 2 · The Angry Birds Movie · Fox Kids · The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen · Mission: Impossible 2 · Doom · Ghostbusters 2 · Freddy Got Fingered · Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer · Sleepwalkers · Van Helsing · Rubber (2010) · Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom · Escape from the Commercials · A Christmas Story Live · The Nutcracker (2010)
||Max Payne · Robocop (2014) · The Black Cauldron (NC) · Top 11 Funniest Siskel and Ebert Reviews · The Country Bears · X-Men: The Animated Series · X-Men · X-Men: The Last Stand · Best F(r)iends · Hop · Toonami · Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within · Mary Poppins Returns · Alien 3 · Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief · Kim Possible · Blade II · That Darn Cat · Underworld · Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip · The Wall · Hannibal · It: Chapter Two · Venom · Justice League · Planet of the Commercials · The Grinch (2018) · The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause
||Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker · Beverly Hills Chihuahua · Con Air · Supergirl · Spider-Man · Spider-Man 3 · The Amazing Spider-Man 2 · Dolittle · Independence Day: Resurgence · Critters · Avatar (2009) · Superman Returns · Elektra · Alita: Battle Angel · Battleship · The Lion King (2019) · The Animated Lord of the Rings · The Bill & Ted Movies · Playing with Fire · Pokémon Detective Pikachu · X-Men: Apocalypse · The Stand · Scary Stories To Tell In The Dark · Curse of the Commercials · Sucker Punch · The Muppet Christmas Carol · Batman Returns · Home Alone 4
||Shark Tale · The Mummy Returns · Batman vs. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles · Strange Magic
||Turkish Rambo · Video Game Review 2: Blues Brothers (SNES) · Reefer Madness · Doomsday Machine · NC - Kickassia · NC - Suburban Knights · NC - To Boldly Flee · NC - Live Review of Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 2 · Paranoia · Cup of Idiocy (Doug's Old Home Movies) · Night of the Living Dead · The Cinema Snob Movie · The Review Must Go On Review
||NostalgiaWeen · Christmas · Annual Theme Month