So, I’m sitting there, tending bar, when in walks one of my favorite customers, Samus.
Now, Samus very rarely takes off her battle gear, even when she’s in a bar. Most of her drinks have to be sipped through straws. But, this time, she took off her helmet. Why? Because she was smiling. She was so happy about something.
So, I told her, I said, “Samus, you look very perky today!”
She says, “What do you mean by that?”
And I said, “No, no, the smile. The personality. You seem very perky.”
And she goes, “Oh, oh! Yeah, yeah. That’s because I’m in a very, very good mood,” she says.
And so I ask her, “Why are you so happy, then?”
She says, “I’ve found someone I’ve been looking for for a very long time.”
I said, “Who’s that?”
She said, “Justin Bailey.”
And I said, “Who’s Justin Bailey?”
She said, “For the longest time, nobody knew.”
But, apparently, there was this code where when you insert his name into the game, you get to see her run around the whole entire game in a bathing suit. And she did not like that at all. She found it demeaning, she found it embarrassing, because she never took that suit off. Ever. Even when she went to church, she would still wear it. She was very protective of her body and didn’t want anyone else to see it.
I said, “Well, okay. So, you found this Justin Bailey guy. Who is he?”
And she says, “For the longest time, nobody knew. People thought he was a guy who won some sort of perverted contest, an out of work hacker…”
There was even a rumor that he was an alien Chihuahua from outer space. But, I don’t think that one lasted very long.
And she told me he wasn’t any of those things. She told me that he was just a chubby game programmer. Bad acne, thick glasses, forty years old, and still living with his parents.
So, I asked, “How did you meet him?”
And she said, “ Actually, I met him in line at the DMV.”
And I said, “The DMV?”
And she says, “Yeah. I have to drive too.”
She doesn’t even take the suit off for the picture on the license, apparently. But, I digress.
So, she bumps into him in line and she hears him say his name. And she taps him on the back and says, “Wait a minute. Did you say Bailey?”
And he said, “Yeah, yeah, I did.”
So, this is getting really exciting and I ask her, I says, “Well, what did you do then? So, you confront him. Here’s this guy you’ve been looking for for years and years! So, what did you do?”
She says, “I shot him in the crotch.”
And I said, “What?”
And she says, “I shot him in the crotch.”
I said, “You mean like kneed him?”
And she said, “No! Gun. Bang! Boom! Flame and testicles all over the place!”
And I said, “Are you serious?”
And she says, “Yeah! Of course I’m serious.”
And I said, “What did the cops do? It’s the DMV. There must have been cops there.”
She says, “Oh, they tried to stop me, but I shot them both in the face. Cops aren’t very threatening when you have a giant suite of armor, you see.”
And, I’m standing there just dumbfounded by this. I mean, I can’t believe what I’m hearing.
So, I asked her, I said, “Well… What’d you do next?”
She said, “I just took him home and tortured him. You know, kinda generic. Strap him down, cut open his belly, and take out his insides.”
And I said, “You…. You tortured a man to death?”
She says, “No. No, no, not to death. Just to the breaking point between life and death.”
So, I asked her, I said, “Do you do this often?”
And she says, “Oh, just once in a while when somebody doesn’t treat me right.”
And I said, “Like who?”
She says, “Oh… Girl Scouts, Jehovah’s witnesses, pizza delivery boys, mail men…”
Quite frankly, I’m at a loss for words.
And she says, “How come every time that you kill an alien from another world, you’re considered a hero, yet every time you slaughter 5 to 10 innocent bystanders, you’re considered a psycho?”
Well, I’m legitimately terrified right now. I mean, I’m crapping my pants beyond belief.
And, all I could think to ask her was “Why did you do it?”
And she says, “Because they were looking at my body.”
“Bunch of bastards,” she says. “All they ever think about when the look at me is my body.”
And I said, “Even in the battle gear?”
And she says, “Especially in the battle gear!”
And then she told me that she just wanted to set them straight. That the body is, in fact, a vessel. A very fragile, painful vessel. And she just wanted to jam that into their heads. Before she crammed her laser blaster into their heads, that is.
And I said, “That’s a… very interesting story you got there, Samus! Is there any way you thought about making people not look at your body? …Outside of torturing them?”
And she said, “Well, I did have this one idea. You see, I just bought this brand new Zero Suit.”
She said, “That’s gonna change everything. No more are people gonna look at my body. They’re gonna respect me as a woman, not as an object.”
…Have you seen her Zero Suit? The thing is tighter than saran wrap!
So she pays for her drink and starts to head out the door. But before she leaves, I say, “Oy! Samus! Um… Take it easy.”
And she says, “Don’t worry. After I get this new Zero Suit, everybody is going to respect me.”
Two weeks later, she shot the balls off Leisure Suit Larry. I guess he didn’t quite respect her. But, then again, I don’t think he respects many women.
I just don’t know if the people had it coming. I mean, Leisure Suit Larry has it coming. But everyone else just seems, um…. just a tad extreme.
But I guess that’s the idea in the video game world. Anything’s an extreme. Sex and violence.
| Transcripts for Video Game Confessions | |
| 2009: | MarioVGC · SonicVGC · SheikVGC · SamusVGC· PacmanVGC· LaraVGC· ConventionsVGC |
| 2010: | DonkeyKongVGC · Duke NukemVGC · FoxMcCloudVGC· SnakeVGC · Snake Follow Up · Chell from Portal · Bonk |
| 2011: | PrincessDaisyVGC · AngryBirdsVGC |
| 2012: | EarthwormJimVGC |
| 2013: | SimonBelmontVGC |
| DVD Exclusive: | BlankaVGC · FeliciaVGC · MegamanVGC · Sub-ZeroVGC |