September 1, 2014
The thrilling conclusion to the story that nobody cared about!
(Open on Linkara's futon, but Linkara is not there. The James Bond theme plays as Linkara rises up, looking around. He has earbuds in his ears and holds his magic gun in his hand. He sits down in his futon, still looking around. Then the music changes to the theme for Charlie's Angels, which Linkara dances to. He suddenly stops, however, and becomes confused, then annoyed as he takes his Sandisk out of his vest and turns it off. He sighs)
(AT4W theme plays. The title card has the James Bond theme playing in the background)
Linkara: Wow. Can you believe it, everyone? The final issue of "SCI-Spy". (sighs) It's been quite a journey since the eighth episode of this show where I first reviewed it. Well... (becomes upset) thank GOD it's finally over! Anyone who says that the journey is more important than the destination (holds up the "SCI-Spy" comic) never had to read this crap!
Linkara (v/o): "SCI-Spy" is about Sebastian Starchild, a super-duper-secret-super-maxi-extreme-ultra super spy who's not actually a spy because he engages in little to no espionage. Rather, he's the last "pure DNA human", the rest of whom have genetically modified themselves to look like birds and cats and armadillos or whatever in an effort to disguise themselves from an alien race that took over the Earth and strip-mined it. Unfortunately, Motherbank, the artificial intelligence currently running things, neglected to inform humanity of the alien threat, so they're rather unprepared for the coming invasion. Fortunately, Starchild's partner is actually a dimensionally-transcendental robot who has a bunch of other agents with him and now has to try to stop the aliens from coming out of a wormhole that will lead them right to humanity. Also, SUGAR CUBES OF DEATH! FROM SPAAAACE!
Linkara: So, let's dig into (holds up today's comic) "SCI-Spy #6" and finally put this thing to rest!
Linkara (v/o): I do love how the covers have had a mixture of them, sometimes half-decent and sometimes absolute garbage. Fortunately, this one's one of the better ones. It still doesn't help the "spy" aspect, but they gave up the pretense on that one a while ago. Instead, we just have a very dynamic-looking cover: Starchild in a bit of stereotypical James-Bond-holding-two-guns look, but he's in a spacesuit and walking along the hull of a spaceship upside-down. There's awesome action bits in the background: an explosion, evil alien ships, the wormhole exit behind them. This is actually a really damn good cover.
Linkara: Hey, maybe having a good cover is a sign that the final issue won't be that bad! (beat, then Linkara bursts out laughing)
Linkara (v/o): We open where we left off last time, with Starchild trying to plug an explosive eyeball into the engine core of the ship.
Starchild: Black and Chaxx-- Check your guts!
Linkara: (as Starchild) I don't think you've been eating right lately. How's your fiber?
Linkara (v/o): Naturally, Shadow Black and Chaxx are not too excited about the prospect of blowing themselves to Hell and back and are in the process of debating whether or not they should try to stop Starchild. However, they ultimately decide that life under the Xeno aliens would be worse.
Shadow Black: Are we* agreed? Selling out the human race was a mistake?
- NOTE: Shadow Black actually says, "But we're...", not "Are we..."
Linkara: (as Chaxx) Yeah, turns out the taxes on it are way more than it's worth.
Chaxx: Nope...but underestimating the human race sure as hell was.
Linkara: (as Chaxx) Any species that produces that many bacon-based products can't be that bad.
Linkara (v/o): The two even high-five in how determined the humans are to fight the aliens to the bitter end. Aw, epic bromance between these two. And they die right after Starchild plants the eye bomb. Let us not forget these two wonderful traitors to the human race. (singing) I will remember you...
Starchild: Well, orb, I suppose that was some kind of redemption.
Orb: Yeah, the gooey kind.
(Linkara reaches out his finger and then holds it to his mouth, pretending to taste something)
Linkara: Mmm, apple!
Starchild: All agents! This is no time to lose our heads-- not when the Isis-bots already got it covered...
Linkara: (as Starchild) This is the time to make stupid jokes, though.
Linkara (v/o): And check it out: even when she's decapitated and just standing there, the artist felt the need to draw her as if her clothes hugged every contour of her ass.
Linkara: You know, we keep telling bad artists to go to life drawing classes in order to learn how to draw the human body correctly, but maybe we should have, like, clothed models instead of nude ones so we can teach them how clothes work!
Starchild: Odds are, we're ass-deep in a suicide mission--but I say we fight to the last nanosecond!
Soldier: I'm with Starchild!
Linkara: Thank you, anonymous canon fodder. Your support is appreciated.
Starchild: All right, start shoving 'em out-- fast!
(Cut to a clip of the Mystery Science Theater 3000 gang watching Red Zone Cuba)
Mike and the Bots: (in unison) You shove off!
(Cut back to the comic)
Linkara (v/o): And apparently, someone is still inside the Isis Nile body, because we see two hands coming out with spacesuits.
(Cut again to the MST3K gang from the actual movie, as they watch This Island Earth)
Crow T. Robot: Ah, thank you, thing.
(Back to the comic again)
Linkara (v/o): And so, everyone quickly gets spacesuits out and retreats to the outside of the ship. Unfortunately, the alien crew pursues them, crawling out of every airlock.
'Starchild: Fall back! Away from the hatches! Find cover!
Linkara: Oh, right, yeah. I'm sure there's an abundance of chest-high walls on the surface of an alien spaceship. You just got to expect a lot of firefights on the hull. (slaps himself on the head in frustration)
Linkara (v/o): What follows is a lot of "Go, go, GO!", "Move, move, MOVE!" and whatnot for about two pages before the other SCI-Spy agents begin asking, "What the hell is the damn point? The ship's gonna blow up any second now!" However, it seems the explosive is remote-controlled and Starchild is waiting for the right moment to detonate; specifically, when the ship begins to pass through the other end of the wormhole so the explosion can seal it once and for all and keep the aliens from ever using it in the future to find and attack them. However, there is also a second part to that plan.
Starchild: I hoped somebody might get antsy waiting outside the other end...Maybe bring in a--
Soldier: Rescue ship--up ahead!
Linkara: (incredulously) So your plan was to just hope that somebody got nervous enough to want to take a peek inside and provide you an escape?! Your plan relied on a deus ex machina to save your ass? Sebastian Starchild, tactical genius!
(Cut, inevitably, to the famous clip from Patton)
Patton: (looking out through a pair of binoculars) You magnificent bastard, I read your BOOK!
(Cut back to the comic)
Linkara (v/o): But, good for him, he happens to be right. The real Isis Nile comes flying in, her ship naturally designed without a chair, and instead, she has to stand up, with her skintight pants and high heels.
Nile's computer: Dead-ahead lock on morphic resonance fields of Sebastian Starchild and cadre of S.C.I.-Spy agents; no signal, however, from your tesseract simulacrum.
Nile: (Beep!) the bot--and hang onto your sweet ass, Starchild!
Linkara: I don't know how you can tell if his ass is any good. Unlike you, his clothes aren't designed to wedgie up his crack.
Linkara (v/o): Also, THAT FACE! (...which is in a raging snarl) Why, Paul Gulacy, why?! Anyway, the Xenos launch fighters to attack the rescue ship and Starchild directs all the agents to open fire on the fighters to clear a path for her to pick them up. They bunch up and are taken aboard with the bright green glow of Mountain Dew.
Starchild: And by the way, nice to see your head again.
Linkara: (as Starchild) Last time I saw a robot without a head like that was in Power Rangers: Operation: Overdrive. (beat, then normal) What? I can joke about History of Power Rangers now. I announced actual release dates for it.
Linkara (v/o): They fly off, but unfortunately, Nile didn't time her escape well enough. They're too close to the wormhole exit to not detonate the bomb, but they're still in the blast radius.
Nile: I...guess you're right.
Starchild: Give me your hand. We'll go out together. Ready?
Nile: Hell no--but do it.
Linkara: Aww, isn't that sweet? They're trying to have a moment. It's a pity I hate these (makes a "finger quote") "characters", and thus I do not care if they live or die.
Linkara (v/o): The ship detonates and... hot damn! That actually looks cool. And I know why: it's lifted from V'Ger's explosion/ascension to another reality...
(Cut to a clip of the explosion/ascension...)
Linkara (v/o): ...from Star Trek: The Motion Picture. And as boring as that film is, it's still infinitely superior to "SCI-Spy". Still, kudos for replicating the visual effect. It looks nice.
(Back to the comic again)
Starchild: Here it comes, Nile. Rest in whatever passes for peace.
Linkara: Well, I see that romantic moment's over. Back to being annoying!
Nile: Screw that, Starchild-- and grab your ass!
Linkara: (as Starchild) Uh... okay. (puts his hands under his rear awkwardly) So... what, am I supposed to wiggle or something now?
Linkara (v/o): Nile is hoping to ride the shockwave of the explosion out the rest of the way. And fortunately for them, it seems to work. They exit out the other end of the wormhole. The problem is that with the wormhole's collapse, it's reverting into a black hole, which I thought was a collapsed star and not a collapsed wormhole, but frankly, at this point, I just do not care in the slightest. The comic is trying to pad itself with more and more attention, even though this is not the kind of story where they'd actually sacrifice the main characters. Look, the story is over, okay, "SCI-Spy"?! You won! You stopped the big alien invasion and proved that Starchild is the super-bestest ever because he doesn't have genetic modifications, even that didn't play into the story in any meaningful fashion!! Seriously, did any of that matter in the grand scheme of things? Or did Paul Gulacy just want an excuse to not have to draw human beings normally since he sucks at faces?! Ugh! Whatever. They jettison the ship's armor in order to get a little more push and escape the black hole's gravity, wow, and they can proceed home.
(Cut to a clip of Monty Python and the Holy Grail)
Narrator: And there was much rejoicing.
(Cut back to the comic)
Starchild: Borderline harrowing, Nile--but not bad for a plan B.
Nile: "Plan B"?
Starchild: I forgot-- that wasn't really you, was it?
Nile: Who wasn't?
Soldier: He's talking about our ride, Nile, the you who lost her robot head...
Linkara: (as Nile) The what? (as Starchild) The... The robot you. We talked about this. (as Nile) The where? (as Starchild) Nile, are you okay? (as Nile) What does the color blue taste like? (as Starchild) Did we have more than one robot?
Soldier: ...Talk about birth pains, you should've seen us squirm out of your Trojan-bod.
Linkara: See, now I'm just thinking about a different kind of Trojan here and envisioning a full-body condom.
Nile: Do we discuss details, Starchild, or do I bite my tongue?
Linkara: Whatever gets you guys to stop talking.
Linkara (v/o): And so they start making out and... Wait, what's with that sound effect? "Gogogo"? The hell? Go-go boots? "Go, go, Power Rangers"? The hell is that coming from?! A few hours later, we cut to Starchild back in his home base, surrounded by holograms and the like. Motherbank is talking to him through the orb, saying she'll understand if he decides to resign his commission, given everything he's found out.
Starchild: When I decide, you'll be the first to know... Mother.
Motherbank: That's...That's the first time you've shortened my name, Sebastian, the very first time you've actually called me...
Linkara: I wouldn't take too much pride in that, Motherbank. Even Marcus from "Avengers #200" called Miss Marvel (makes a "finger quote") "Mother".
Linkara (v/o): Not that it matters anyway, since Starchild orders his hyena dog thing... Hey, another thing that never actually amounted to anything in the story! ...to chomp down on the orb and swallow it. Yowch. Given the size of it, Hyena Dog is gonna choke on that thing. You're a real asshole, Starchild! Oh, and it seems that even his buddy, the orb, is still active inside of the dog and is naturally upset about being swallowed. Starchild is a total dick.
Starchild: Cut the holos too-- I need privacy tonight.
Orb: You also need me, pal.
Starchild: Quit bellyaching, orb. Sooner or later, you'll come out just fine.
Linkara: (as Starchild) Or I'll just gut my dog to get you out. Whatever, I really don't care. I'm really kind of a sicko.
Linkara (v/o): And so, our comic ends with Starchild and Nile together and exchange an innuendo about how they're gonna have sex. THE END!
(Cut to a clip of the MST3K gang as they watch The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies)
Crow: We hope you've enjoyed No-Moral Theater, ladies and gentlemen.
Linkara: Well, I can now say that I have read and reviewed all of "SCI-Spy". I can also say that this comic would have been grrreatly (rolls the "R") improved by the presence of Sheriff Pepper.
(Cut to a clip of the James Bond movie Live and Let Die)
Sheriff Pepper (Clifton James): What are you? Some kinda doomsday machine, boy?
Linkara: Yeah, I'm sticking with that assertion. Still a better James Bond-related character than Starchild. (suddenly becomes angry as he holds up comic) THIS COMIC SSSSSUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKSSSSSS!!!
Linkara (v/o): What a complete and utter waste time! And I don't just mean me reading it! People actually had to spend time writing and editing and drawing and coloring this crap! "SCI-Spy" is totally pointless. A few good ideas scattered about, but it's mostly just boring characters failing to display any kind of human emotions or development. Add on character invincibility for the leads, and we end up with a lack of tension or concern for their well-being. Hell, you can't even call this "James Bond in space", since we already had James Bond in space!
(Cut to a clip of James Bond in space)
Linkara (v/o): It was called Moonraker, and despite containing a hell of a lot of boring parts itself, it was still better than this!
(Back to the comic again)
Linkara (v/o): The characters such, the story sucks, the artwork sucks! This entire miniseries sucks more than that black hole!
Linkara: Man, it feels good to finally bring this thing to an end! (looks up in thought) Hmm... "SCI-Spy #1" was my eighth episode. What was the ninth episode? (takes out a piece of paper, presumably showing off his list of episodes) "Superman At Earth's End"! (nods) Next week, we end "Kamandi At Earth's End", too! (throws down comic, gets up and leaves)
(End credits roll)
I think it would have been a great twist if this whole thing had just been a really stupid holodeck simulation at Starchild's home base and he was actually a really dull accountant.
Seriously, Moonraker is a slow climb but it's all worth it for the laser battle in outer space.
(Stinger: The panel showing Motherbank's name shortened to "Mother" is shown again)
Linkara (v/o): Actually, here's a weird connection for you: both "SCI-Spy" and "Kamandi At Earth's End" feature overbearing computers named "Mother". Do you think a lot of writers have issues with their parents?