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Rudolph, The Red-Nosed Reindeer: The Movie
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Released
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December 11, 2015
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Running time
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28:30
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Phelous: GoodTimes Entertainment, of course, mostly stuck to straight-to-home video cheap cash-in cartoons. But do you recall the most costly release of them all?
TITLE CARD
Phelous: I'm- *chuckles*- still kind of in shock that this ever happened. GoodTimes' Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer: The Movie was a theatrical release. ...Yeah. This was the first and only GoodTimes cartoon to actually be in theaters. I don't have exact info on WHY GoodTimes Entertainment ever tried a theatrical movie, but I'm guessing they made enough dough- *cough*- with their Cash-In Coaster movies, so in 1998 they got a little ambitious and decided they could make it on the big screen! They could not.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer: The Movie was a box-office bomb, only pulling in a little over 113,000 after their $10 million budget. Ouch. And while I'm about to show you why this movie would've no doubt bombed regardless, it certainly wasn't done any favors when it went to theaters. This CHRISTMAS movie had a mid-October release date, which I'm sure contributed quite a bit to its colossal monetary failure. But, with this much-higher budget, I'm expecting quite the upgrade from the usual GoodTimes animation.
(scene from the film shown, with no discernably better animation)
Cupid: Yes, what about!
North Pole citizens: Yes what about! Yes what about! Yes, what about Rudolph's shiny noooooose! *laughing*
It went for getting higher-profile names for the voice cast, didn't it?
Yeeep. So for quite the change to the usual GoodTimes fare, we have some stars thrown into the mix here, with John Goodman as Santa, the Bob Newhart bear, Eric Idle as Wreck-Gar the Fox, Richard Simmons as Boone the Elf- yes! THAT Richard Simmons, for some reason. And probably the most funny name attached to a GoodTimes movie, Oscar winner and Theodore Rex star herself 'Whoppi Goldberges' as Stormella. W-W-"Whoppi Goldberges"? Dammit, IMDb reviews! I really do LOVE the fact that Whoopi Goldberg was in a GoodTimes movie, though.
Also, Blitzen was played by Garry Chalk, because of course Garry Chalk was in this. He was actually in a good number of GoodTimes movies. You might actually recall his voice in GoodTimes' Alice in Wonderland, where he played... 'voice'! Along with everyone else.
Well, if you were one of the five people who actually went to go see this, I will admit I really envy you getting to see the GoodTimes logo on the big screen. Oh yeah, and Golden Books was the distributor for this. Not Golden Films, Golden Books. And a lot of you probably do remember those- those books with the golden spine on them. They were a distributor for a handful of things, and besides the one Jackson 5ive thing, they were all Christmas-related. Which includes old Cricket on the Hearth.
(Cat from the film sings in the background)
Phelous: No, no, no, no, NO, NO!!
Now, to be fair, things have definitely been flashed up a bit from the usual, like our fancy text and these stupid Northern Light fairies here. But still, we're just flashing up what is essentially the standard GoodTimes animation with uh, maybe 17% more awesome.
Sprites: But do you recall the most famous reindeer of all?
Phelous: ...Prancer.
Ah, yeah. Who can forget that time Santa and Blitzen got blitzed?
(crowd booing)
Sorry! Sorry. I should've said who can actually remember it, what with all the butt chugging going on?
Blitzen: How about... Rudolph?
Phelous: (as Mitzi) I want a divorce.
(as Blitzen) Shit. I knew I shouldn't have listened to stupid drunken Santa.
Rudolph: *squeaks twice*
Phelous: ...Did they confuse a reindeer for a mouse?
Blitzen: Come to papa, Rudolph.
Phelous: "Hey, baby! You got your name two seconds ago! You know it now, right?"
(Rudolph takes a few steps forward, with a wah noise)
Phelous: What was worthy of a "wah" noise there? He took a couple of steps.
(Rudolph trips and rolls into a pile of hay)
Phelous: GoodTimes, you're trying too hard here, and it's clear you just don't really get it. They've seen charming scenes before, and are trying to replicate that, but without any of the actual heart behind it.
Some parts of this movie in particular just look way too cheap for a theatrical film, like this completely flat perspective shot of this train going by. That just looks like something a second-grader would do with a ruler. Also, there's stuff like these obvious animation loops. It's a pretty good sign that you shouldn't be here when in your first theatrical outing, you display yourself cutting corners IMMEDIATELY.
Sprites: We're the Sprites of Northern Lights!
Aurora: I'm Aurora!
Sparkle: I'm Sparkle!
Glitter: I'm Glitter!
Twinkle: I'm Twinkle!
Phelous: And they have NOTHING to do with anything until over fifty minutes in, where their only significant impact on the plot is to say "hey, hey Rudolph, you know that nose light of yours? You should totally use that!" Besides that, the only other thing they offer to the film is these jarring 10 to 15-second songs in between scenes.
Blitzen: This is where we live, Rudy.
Phelous: (as Rudolph) Ahaha! Don't call me Rudy.
Mitzi: We call this snow.
Rudolph: Snow! Snow! Snow!
(Rudolph kicks snow into Blitzen's eyes)
Blitzen: Mitzi, he's at it again!
Phelous: "At it again?" You just introduced him to the stuff! How can he be at it again?
Cupid: So, where's the baby buck?
Phelous: (as Cupid) I can't see it under your leg like that! Completely hidden!
Blitzen, like any good father, is embarrassed by his freak son, but I suppose Rudolph can count his blessings that he's not Donner's son in this version and doesn't have to have dirt shoved over his nose to hide his shame.
(Rudolph laughs and his nose glows)