October 30, 2018
(The Channel Awesome logo and 2018 Nostalgia-Ween opening are shown; open on NC pulling his car up to a parking space several feet away from the studio; he gets out, holding a cup in his hand, and walks up to the camera)
NC: So, it's finally come to this: a movie about a killer tire. A movie...about a killer tire. You...probably heard that idea and had the similar reaction I did, which was... (scoffs audibly) But they did it. They made a movie about a killer tire. You might be asking yourself, "Why did they make a movie about a killer tire?" Well, you clicked on this damn video, didn't you? You just answered your own question. After years and years of being asked to review this stinker, I'm finally gonna give in.
Malcolm: Uh, Critic, are you talking to us or the viewers at home?
NC: Which one makes me look more clever?
NC: Then neither.
NC: Yeah, I just blew your mind, didn't I?
Tamara: If you want to think that...
NC: Yeah, I blew your mind. Anywho, I figured I'd explain what you are about to see as an excuse to why it exists.
Malcolm: Isn't that like a poet explaining what a poem is in the poem?
NC: Oh, when you put it like that...it sounds even deeper.
Tamara: Maybe you should just get to the review.
NC: Yeah, okay. Let's take a look at the film you have to see to believe...and you have to believe to see.
(Malcolm and Tamara stare at NC for some seconds)
Malcolm: Oh, okay, I get it. (to Tamara) Go like this. (makes a "mind blown" gesture with his hands)
Tamara: I'm not doing that.
Malcolm: Well, we gotta; otherwise, he's not gonna start the review, right?
(NC nods, not changing the expression. Tamara sliently complies, and her and Malcolm do a "mind blown" gesture)
NC: Yeah, I blew your mind. Let's take a look at Rubber.
(He slowly pours the water out of a cup to the ground. The title for the movie is shown, followed by clips)
NC (vo): It may not be that nostalgic, but I'm sick to death of getting requests for it, so here it is: an actual movie about a killer tire. Released in 2011, Rubber is another one of those polarizing films where critics seemed to like it okay, but audiences felt very disappointed. It's a movie about a killer tire, you dumbasses. Quite frankly, you deserve whatever movie they give you. There is no bar to beat! So, is there a secret gem that's smarter than it looks, or is it so bad that even people who paid to see a killer tire feel let down? Again, I don't know how you let a crowd like that down.
NC: (returns in his usual spot) Well, it might sound strange, but this film is worth a deeper analysis. So, let's take a look at...
(Cut to Malcolm and Tamara still outside, looking to NC's side through the binoculars)
Tamara: Critic, why do we have to watch this from a distance?
NC: It's symbolic.
Malcolm: Of what?!
NC: Well, if you have to ask, you clearly don't get it.
Malcolm: I know! That's why I asked!
NC: He's so naive.
Malcolm: He is such a jackass.
NC: Let's take a look at Rubber.
NC (vo): We open our film with...
(The first shot of the movie is a sun rising over a field and a wooden chair)
NC (vo): You know, you had one job.
NC: Show a tire. That's a chair. I can see why people hated this!
(Several other chairs are shown standing on a road)
NC (vo): Just when you're wondering if this is an Ikea uprising, a car shows up, knocking them all down.
(The police car drives on the road, crushing all the chairs on its way)
NC: So this is an Amish driving test.
(One person is shown holding two bundles of binoculars in his hands)
NC (vo): Forget it, buddy. Even that amount of binoculars won't help you find the plot.
(The California sheriff named Chad (Stephen Spinella) gets out of the car's trunk)
NC (vo): A man in a cop uniform gets out of the trunk and gets a glass of water from the driver.
NC: Well, I'll be following this just fine.
(Chad stands to speak, addressing the camera)
Chad: In the Steven Spielberg movie E.T., why is the alien brown?
(NC is shown to be looking confused)
Chad: No reason. In Love Story, why did the two characters fall madly in love with each other? No reason. In The Pianist, how come this guy has to hide when he plays the piano so well?
NC: ...At this point, a killer tire would be normal.
NC (vo): He goes on explaining other random questions from movies that have no answer.
NC: Or...maybe they do. They're just asked in really dumb ways.
Chad: In the excellent Chainsaw Massacre by Tobe Hooper, why don't we ever see the characters go to the bathroom?
NC: Well, I can't account for The Excellent Chainsaw Massacre, but for The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, I think it's because the director wasn't a sicko! (Beat) I mean...okay, he was, but not "you" kind of sicko.
NC (vo): The answer to all of these, he suggests, is the same.
Chad: No reason. / No reason. / No reason. / Absolutely no reason.
NC: (monotone) Why did the second oldest boy in Malcolm in the Middle (Justin Berfield) never have a family? No re-son. Why did the moon never recieve an email from his favorite ball of gas? No Re:Sun. Why did... (The huge gun is aimed at him) I have five more, but I'll stop.
NC (vo): You know, as goofy as this opening is, I'm not gonna lie: I really feel like it belongs at the beginning of a much more appropriate movie. Wouldn't this fit a lot more with something like...
Chad: The film you're about to see today is an homage to the "no reason".
(Cut to a clip from the trailer to...)
Announcer: Alvin and the Chipmunks.
NC: Wouldn't that weirdly make a lot more sense?
(The person with binoculars is an accountant, who gives them to a crowd that was listening to Chad)
NC (vo): So after putting the "pretend" in "pretentious", we see he was talking to a group of people who are given binoculars to...well, watch the movie, I guess.
(The people watch at something via binoculars. One kid starts to grow tired)
Son (Devin Brochu): It's already boring.
NC: Well, I could guess what movie they were watching.
(The title for Fifty Shades Freed is shown through the binocular shot. The opening titles for the movie begin to appear. One of the backgrounds is a doll lying in the desert)
NC (vo): As the credits roll and we see Bert finally had enough with Ernie, we finally see the title. (Pause) But more importantly, we see the director's credit immediately after the title.
NC: Yeah, he wants you to know what movie you're watching, but he especially wants you to know who to blame for it.
(Cut to show a tire buried in the sand. The tire suddenly starts moving, stands upright and rolls away)
NC (vo): Oh, wait, I've seen this! It travels across the world...
(The iconic ending to The Iron Giant is shown, showing the titular character's parts moving to his head as his eyes begin glowing)
NC (vo): ...connects to other parts and puts the Iron Giant back together again!
NC: And they said (poster of..) Split was a surprise sequel!
NC (vo): The tire seems to learn how to...live, suddenly, and starts moving on its own.
(The tire falls to the ground before rolling anywhere. Cue "The End" card with "Merrily We Go Along" from Looney Tunes playing in the background. But no, the tire rises again and continues to roll)
NC (vo): No, the tire continues to move around, but is having trouble keeping his balance, thus moving around like it's being controlled by a Wii Remote. He comes across his first antagonist in the movie, though: a water bottle!
(The tire (who's called Robert from now on) stops in front of a plastic water bottle and, after hesitating, crushes it by rolling over it)
NC (vo): He then comes across...a scorpion.
(Robert meets a scorpion on his way and also crushes it)
NC: (hand on cheek) It's gonna be a long movie, isn't it?
(Robert sees a glass beer bottle, but is unable to crush it)
NC (vo): He then comes across a beer bottle, which he can't seem to crush, so he uses his psychokinetic powers to blow it up. Yeah, tires have those now.
(Robert discovers he can psychokinetically cause the bottle to fracture, which is shown by him shaking before breaking the bottle)
NC: Thus, his minor trail of nuisance continues.
(Cut back to the spectators)
NC (vo): The onlookers comment on what they're seeing.
Son: It looks like he has telepathic powers.
Charley (Charley Koontz): You mean psychokinetic?
Son: I don't care about the right word.
Ethan (Ethan Cohn): I think the kid is right. Psychokinetic powers.
Fiona (Haley Ramm): Excuse me, but do you have to comment everything aloud?
NC: Yeah! (A long beat)
NC (vo): So the tire cotinues to roll and blows up a can this time.
(Robert tests his newfound powers on a can, exploding it)
NC: I'll admit, I'm not getting much from the tire's performance, but he does still give more emotion than Kristen Stewart.
NC (vo): Ooh! Things are getting really exciting, because now we have a musical score!
(This score is...simple pizzicato strings and a woodwind)
NC: You clearly missed a perfect opportunity to play a more fitting song.
(The clip of Robert rolling in the desert is shown with the song "Tumbling Tumbleweeds" by Sons of the Pioneers playing)
Sons of the Pioneers: (singing) See them tumbling down...
(Robert takes a rest under a tree as the night falls)
NC (vo): But it looks like he's tired... (Ba-dum...)
NC: It's not worth it.
NC (vo): ...as he rests and wakes up the next morning to continue his travels.
(The next day, Robert resumes rolling. Cut to a clip from a Gravity Falls episode "The Legend of the Gobblewonker")
Grunkle Stan: Well, that happened.
(Cut to show the sleeping spectators and the accountant steals the money from one of them)
NC (vo): Meanwhile, we finally see how this film was financed, with one of the guys in charge stealing from one of the viewers.
Accountant (Jack Plotnick): Let's go! Come on!
(The spectators are awakened and continue to watch via binoculars)
Ethan: Where is he?
Man in Wheelchair (Wings Hauser): Straight ahead. (Ethan takes out binoculars) It just woke up.
NC: Okay, just tell me...is this the Cabin in the Woods universe? Is the tire...
NC (vo): ...just one of the killer monsters that escaped and the onlookers are just monitoring the progress?
NC: I'd have mixed thoughts, but it's better than no thoughts.
NC (vo): Look. The tire is drinking water.
(Robert plunges into a puddle)
NC: (poker-faced) You know, it's the weirdest things that leave you empty.
(Robert turns around to see a rabbit)
NC (vo): He finally comes across a living mammal and tests his powers on it.
(Robert shakes...and the rabbit is blown up)
NC (vo; as the rabbit, channeling Bugs Bunny): Nyeh, what the hell, Doc?!
(Robert continues to roll around...to the peaceful tune of Blue Magic's "Just Don't Want to Be Lonely")
NC: (flummoxed) Odd musical choice for an odd segment.
NC (vo): You know, this movie is feeling less like a horror film and more like an old-school Miller Lite commercial.
(Cut to a skit showing Doug, Malcolm and Tamara cheering in a bar)
Announcer (Malcolm): You worked hard, had a long week, and are celebrating your best friend blowing up a rabbit.
(It's revealed that they are cheering for a tire at the counter)
Announcer: Your best friend is a tire. Now more than ever, it's Miller time, because you work hard, you play hard, and that tire can turn your brain to spaghetti sauce.
(The tire blows up Doug's head, and he falls dead, but Malcolm and Tamara act like nothing scary has happened. The logo fades in with the slogan)
Announcer: Miller. Because if you're watching a killer tire, you're probably drunk already.
(Back to the movie. Robert sees a woman named Sheila (Roxane Mesquida) drive by)
NC (vo): A woman drives by in a convertible, catching the tire's attention.
(Robert makes Sheila's car stall and starts rolling towards her)
NC (vo; as Robert): I shall free you, my manacled bretheren!
(A truck comes by and runs Robert over. This breaks the connection, allowing Sheila's car to start again and she continues on her way)
NC (vo): Yeah, he was run over by Dr. Gonzo and his attorney.
(A clip from Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas is shown)
Raoul Duke: (overdubbed by NC) We can't stop here. This is Tirestone Country.
NC (vo): She continues to drive on, as the tire comes across a guy at a gas station.
(After exploding a pied crow, Robert finds the driver of the truck making a phone call)
NC (vo; as Robert, channeling Anton Chigurh from No Country for Old Men): What's the most you ever lost in a coin toss, friendo?
(Robert shakes...and the driver's head blows up. This catches the attention of the spectators)
Fiona: (gasps) Oh, my God.
NC: (smirking) I hope you like that. If not...how did Peter Venkman put it?
(Cut to a clip from Ghostbusters, showing Peter at the ESP test)
Peter: You only have 75 more to go.
(A police car drives by, not noticing Robert on the road)
NC: (as the policeman) Wait! That tire matches the description! Turn around!
(Robert rolls to a motel in a nearby desert town, enters it and sees Sheila showering)
NC (vo): He comes across a hotel, (A Photoshopped shot of the iconic shower scene from Psycho, showing Robert next to Marion Crane, appears) where a part of me is hoping he'll reenact Psycho, as the onlookers continue to bring the annoyance of watching a movie at a theater to the comfort of your home.
Ethan: (chuckles) Oh, yeah!
Cindy (Hayley Holmes): Jeez, you think you're gonna shut up sometimes and let us watch in peace?! I can't stand it!
Son: (offscreen) Yeah? Come on. Can't you take a little joke?
Ethan: Yeah, there's plenty of space. Go somewhere else if we're bothering you.
NC: Why do I feel like these people were conned by Nathan Fielder?
(A video showing one of Nathan Fielder's presentations is shown)
NC (vo; as Nathan Fielder): I promised these people an interactive movie experience without movie theater hassles, but I had no interactive movie to show. So I kept them at a safe distance and said it was about a killer tire. I feel like I could only get away with this in California.
(Back to the movie, we're shown someone watching workout videos in a French language in a motel room)
NC (vo): Fear not, though. It gets weirder!
(This someone is Robert sitting on a bed)
NC: Mmmm. Working on his arrollbacks. (Beat) It's surprisinly hard to think of a joke in a hotel room watching workout videos!
(Cut to the accountant on a bed in another room)
NC (vo): Meanwhile, in the same hotel, one of the guys running the show is given a call.
(A phone rings, and the accountant stands up and answers)
Accountant: Oh! Yes, master. (Cut to show...a living turkey standing on the floor next to the accountant?) I understand perfectly. I'm...I'm gonna do it tomorrow morning without fail.
NC: (massages his eyes) So, just to recap: a guy from the hotel gets a call from the master...
NC (vo): ...while he has a turkey in his room.
NC: Well, I, for one, think it's about time...
(Cut to show a fake poster for...)
NC (vo): ...a Manos Thanksgiving: Wings of Fate finally got aired.
NC: God, how do I have an easier time coming up with that joke than this one? (points to a clip of Robert watching workouts)
(It turns out this turkey was soon killed to feed the hungry spectators the following morning)
NC (vo): The next morning, after a few days without eating, the onlookers are given the roasted carcass of Poultry-geist.
(The spectators wildly grab the meat from the turkey like wild animals)
Charley: (offscreen) Ah, food! (cries out and moans)
NC: Christ, it's like 3 p.m. at the Old Country Buffet.
(Meanwhile, the motel maid finds Robert showering)
NC (vo): A staff member seems to interrupt the tire's shower...
NC: (gasps in mock shock) They didn't tell me there was nudity in this!
(The maid throws Robert away)
NC (vo): ...and, big shock, the tire does not take this with Goodyear humor.
(The maid's headless corpse is shown)
NC: Well, she's a maid, so she can clean herself up.
NC (vo): The tire then watches TV and checks out the woman in the pool.
(Robert witnesses Sheila walking out of the pool and dressing up)
NC: You think his fascination with humans is seen as strange to others? Like, is his interest is made fun of by other tires?
(Cut to a skit showing two living tires in a store)
Female Tire (voiced by Tamara): Hey, you see Carl recently?
Male Tire (voiced by Doug): Yeah. I hear he's into that people stuff.
Female Tire: You think he's a humanee or something?
Male Tire: He has to be. Oh, wait, here he comes.
(A tire named Carl rolls by the two other tires)
Male Tire: Hey, Carl! So, you get off having sex with humans or something?
Female Tire: Ewww!
(Carl rolls back to them)
Male Tire: (chuckling) You know it's true, man.
Carl (voiced by Malcolm): Actually, that's a common misconception. Not all humanees want to have sex with humans. Some of us enjoy their creative lifestyle, designs and overall environment.
Tires: (singsong) You have sex with humans! You have sex with-
(The male tire is blown up...blood showing, even)
Female Tire: Ooooh, yeah. Why do I forget you can do that? Sooooo...do you find the Michelin tire guy sexy?
(And the female tire explodes as well)
(We go to a commercial. After returning, we're shown a teenager Zach (Remy Thorne) seeing a living tire and telling his to his father Mr. Hughes, who is the owner of the motel)
NC (vo): So the son of the owner of the hotel says he saw a tire close one of the doors. The owner doesn't believe him and commands he gets him a pizza.
Mr. Hughes (David Bowe): And don't forget the double toppings!
NC: I like the idea of making a kid's punishment your reward.
(Riding a bike, Zach passes by a hippie hitchhiker)
NC (vo): He seems to come across this totally pointless hitchhiker guy.
Hitchhiker (Gaspard Augé): Whoa!
NC: Well, that's just rude. Clearly, two people could fit on that bike. (shrugs)
(Zach stops to see the remains of a crow Robert has blown up earlier)
NC (vo): Say, here's some double toppings.
Zach: (putting the crow's meat on the pizza he bought) Here's your double topping.
NC: (annoyed) Stop doing my jokes!
NC (vo): The tire, meanwhile, falls in the pool...
(As said, Robert rolls into a pool and rests. Cut to a clip from Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery with the titular character staying still in confusion. Meanwhile in the desert, the spectators begin suffering intense abdominal pain)
NC (vo): ...as the onlookers seem to get sick from the food they ate.
Ethan: What's happening to us?
Man in Wheelchair: (feeling nothing) They're poisoned. The turkey was a trap.
Fiona: (offscreen) Oh! Is this how they treat the audience?!
NC: Do I take it this is where (A Photoshopped picture appears, showing a tire bursting out of a man's stomach) a tire bursts out of their stomachs?
Man in Wheelchair: Don't worry, ma'am. They're not gonna get away with it. I'm still here.
NC: (salutes) God bless you, onlooker, doing whatever it is you're doing for whatever reason you're doing it.
(Zach opens the door and discovers the body of the motel maid, shocked)
NC (vo; as Zach): Ooh, more toppings.
(We are shown Sheila in a diner...pouring a juice in her meal as the police car drives by)
NC: ...Did she just put...
NC (vo): ...orange juice on her breakfast?
NC: Did anybody watch this film while they were making it?!
(Chad is called to observe the motionless tire in the motel owner's pool)
Zach: This tire is alive. He locked himself in.
Hughes: Okay, you know what? I've heard enough rubbish for the day, alright? Now get that dirty tire out of the pool, or I'm gonna get really mad.
NC: (as Hughes) And there's not nearly enough bird guts on this pizza to make it edible!
NC (vo): Meanwhile, the cop from the beginning of the movie seems to ask the same WTF-ness as before.
Chad: (to Hughes) Don't you find it strange we can't see the air around us?
NC: (as Chad) Don't you think it's weird we're not giving refunds to the viewers of this movie?
NC (vo): But in a very odd turn...
NC: Yeah, I know what I said.
NC (vo): ...the cop says the poison has had enough time to kill the spectators and so everyone can stop. Everyone, however, has no idea what he's talking about.
(The other policemen gather to listen to Chad)
Chad: You can all go home to your families now.
Deputy Denise (Courtenay Taylor): You're out of your mind?
Chad: Stop acting like this is real life. I'm telling you we're done. There's no one watching anymore, okay?
NC: (as Chad) Moviegoers have clearly left the theater by now. There's no point in continuing.
(One policeman shoots Chad in the chest, to no effect)
NC (vo): He tries to prove it by having somebody shoot him, and it has no effect.
Chad: It's not real! (rips off the strap from his shoulder) You understand?
(The policeman shoots twice)
NC: (shakes head) You know, if you just slapped...
(The caption "Tim and Eric's" appears above the movie's title)
NC (vo): ...these two names on the title...
NC: ...this would have the biggest cult following in the world.
(The accountant appears and informs that the man in the wheelchair isn't dead)
NC (vo): The cop is told, though, that one of the onlookers is still alive because he didn't eat, which apparently means the film has to keep going. So he returns to question the owner of the hotel.
Chad: Mr. Hughes?
(While interrogating Hughes, Chad sees Robert on the ground. The latter, what else, blows up Hughes' head in front of Chad)
NC: Okay, either Deadpool directed this movie...
NC (vo): ...or this is Bad Lieutenant 3.
NC: I'm fine with either, just pick one. (Beat) Or both. Just give me something!
(Robert rolls to a shard of glass)
NC (vo): The tire finds a mirror and...thinks back to the glory days?
(As said, we briefly cut to some moments of Robert's journey)
NC: (as Robert) Sometimes, you just gotta ask yourself...
NC (vo): ...how can I see my reflection with no eyes?
NC: Or, um...what's this hole...
NC (vo): ...I feel in my body?
NC: Or, maybe, um...when should I retire? (After a pause, he snaps) WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THIS?!
(Robert turns to see Zach next to him)
NC (vo): The boy sees the tire and tries to figure out what's going on.
Zach: Do you talk? Me. Human. Boy. (Robert rolls away) Hey! Answer me!
NC: (as Hughes) So how was your day, son? (as Zach) Well, I went to school, asked a girl out, and then demanded a tire to talk to me. (as Hughes, smiling) We took you off those meds too soon.
(Chad takes an inanimate tire and shows it to his colleagues)
NC (vo): So the cop gives an idea for the suspect they're looking for.
Chad: This is what our killer looks like.
Deputy Pete (Thomas F. Duffy): A tire?
NC: I'm honestly shocked they didn't utilize their sketch artist for this one. (A clip from The Hudsucker Proxy appears next to NC, showing Norville Barnes holding out a pad with the circle drawn on it)
NC (vo): One of the cops, though, has a question.
Deputy Doug (James Parks): Is it black?
(Chad stares at him for some seconds...and Doug blows up)
NC: That didn't happen. It just...felt good.
(Deputies Pete and Doug follow Robert in the police car)
NC (vo): The cops find a tire and stop right behind him, not getting out of the tire, because...I don't know.
(Robert turns to the car's side, and it stops)
(Pete turns to Doug, and Robert starts shaking)
NC (vo): Wait.
NC: Let me take a wild guess what happens.
(NC waves his hands as if to say, "This", and for a split second, a Photoshopped picture of four tires sitting behind the table is shown, before showing Pete's head blown up)
NC: (grinning) Oh, yeah! I should have put that together!
(Meanwhile, the accountant tries to poison the man in the wheelchair with more food, but accidentally eats it himself)
NC (vo): One of the guys running things tries to poison the last onlooker, but he refuses to eat. So the other guy does. Huh. Okay.
Accountant: That stuff was supposed to be for you to eat! (grunts in pain)
NC: The suicide squad from Life of Brian was easier to take out than you!
(Robert comes across a group of people burning a large pile of tires. Three days later, we're shown the results of his massive killings as Robert himself rests in a motel, watching an auto racing program)
NC (vo): He sees a burning tire pile and goes absolutely insane, because over the next three days, he goes on a killing spree. He gives a ton of people the scanner treatment and then watches, I guess, his version of the Olympics. One of the cops finds the tire, though, as they let the guy in charge know, who's apparently playing chess.
(The resident sheriff plays chess with one of the policemen)
Sheriff: You can't do that.
Sheriff: Well, you can if you want, but, uh, it's against the rules.
NC: It's good to know that this film graduated from the Freddy Got Fingered school of advertising "We Know, We Don't Know What We're Doing".
(Chad rigs a mannequin (resembling Sheila) with dynamite, intending for the tire to blow the mannequin's head up, thereby also blowing himself up. Sheila herself speaks through the microphone in Chad's van hiding far from the motel)
NC (vo): Get a load of this. They're actually attempting to Woody Woodpecker his ass. (As he says this, the clip from the 1940 short Knock Knock is shown, with Woody kissing the robotic time bomb designed as the female bird)
Sheila: Come on. You like me? You think I'm sexy?
NC: This scene makes no sense at all. So the onlooker...
(However, when Robert destroys the mannequin's head, the dynamite does not explode. The man in the wheelchair mocks Chad for his failed plan)
NC (vo): ...comes around and says...
Man in Wheelchair: This scene makes no sense at all.
NC: (irritated) Stop doing my job!
NC (vo): The onlooker suggests that just shooting the tire will end the movie faster. But one of the cops brings up...this good point?
Sheriff: Yeah, but then we wouldn't be here if you'd eaten the damn turkey.
Man in Wheelchair: That's true enough.
(NC is nonplussed)
NC: Is this some Looney Tunes cartoon written by Charlie Kaufman?!
(Chad gets enraged and unceremoniously ends the film by simply shooting Robert with a shotgun offscreen, after which he tosses the remains to the man in the wheelchair, who continues to criticize him for the anticlimax)
NC (vo): So in, I have to admit, maybe my favorite anti-climactic death of any movie monster, the cop goes in saying he's just gonna blow him away, shoots him offscreen and then throws the carcass on the onlooker.
Chad: The end. Bye. (leaves)
NC: That's like, in Halloween, if Michael Myers went out like this!
(Cut to a clip from Halloween (1978) that shows Michael Myers fighting Laurie Strode. Abruptly, it cuts to a caption...)
NC (vo; in a deep voice): He blowed up. Exit to your right.
(Robert emerges from the house reborn as a Tricycle)
NC (vo): I have to admire what a slap in the face that is. But there's a twist in this ending...I guess. It comes back as a tricycle and blows up the onlooker.
(After exploding the man's head, the Tricycle rides to Sheila in her convertible)
NC (vo; as the Tricycle): Hey, baby. (normal) He's off to play invisible paperboy, as he's apparently gathered a tire army to follow him. (The title is shown again) And that seems to be it.
NC: Okay. So, on the whole, I can't act like it was...
(Cut back to the Tricycle riding down the road with several other living tires)
NC: Oh, there's more. Like...several minutes more.
NC (vo): The final image, I guess, is the tricycle and his dawn of the tread heading to Hollywood.
(During the closing credits, on the left, we're shown an opening scene of Chad speaking in the desert...to nobody)
NC (vo): The credits also show the cop giving the intro speech again, only this time, it's to literally nobody, yet he still does it word-for-word.
Chad: Why do some people love sausages and other people hate sausages? No fucking reason.
Sheriff: Come on. Don't waste your time explaining that garbage. Let's go!
Chad: Just a minute. Let me finish.
(The movie ends)
NC: Ah, shoot. And I was hoping the final image would be Woody Harrelson with flaming red hair saying there will be carnage. What the burning rubber did I just watch?!
(The montage of film's clips plays out as NC goes to his final thought)
NC (vo): On the one hand, I guess I can see why some people didn't like it. A lot of questions about this world are raised and are never answered, and it even seems like some of the jokes are set up and no real punchlines are delivered. But, as the film clearly states in the opening, it has no reason. If anything, it kind of feels like a troll film. It still has laughs, it still has gore, it still has a killer tire. It just doesn't really care much on the stories or refuses to have much of one. It's almost like the movie focuses on the spectacle of such a crazy idea, rather than the crazy idea itself, which you could argue some horror films already do without even acknowledging it. And I have to admit, I kinda like that. So, yeah. If you look at this less like a Human Centipede kind of dumb and more like an artsy Return of the Killer Tomatoes kind of dumb, I think you'll get a fun experience. It's weird, it's silly, it makes little sense, but it gave a tire killing people and a few surreal laughs. I guess, for the kind of film it is, that's enough for me to say, roll on in and enjoy.
NC: So that's it. Another Nostalgia-Ween in the can. Next week, I'm back to my normal reviews, and... (sighs) I have to admit, though, I didn't really get a monster movie that made me really mad. Like, super, super mad!
(Malcolm and Tamara are shown standing in the room)
Tamara: Oh, don't worry, Critic. After next week's review, we've got one that'll hurt you good.
(Malcolm and Tamara grin deviously at NC, nodding. Horrified and confused, NC looks at the camera. We cut to black, and the credits ro...no, we go back to Tamara and Malcolm, who turn back and get nervous)
Malcolm: You don't actually have a movie, do you?
Tamara: No, I just wanted the last line in the review!
Malcolm: (throws hands) Great. What terrible movie we're gonna say we found?
(Suddnely, they see Dinosaur Rob)
Dino Rob: Hi. I'm a dinosaur. I just made a scuplture. (takes out a goblin scuplture with a paper crown on it) It's called "King Dom". (drops it) Oh, no! My fallen King Dom! (Beat) Well, those are my words. (leaves)
Tamara: (resumes grinning) I got it. The Phantom Me-
(She's dope slapped by Dino Rob's hand. And we go to the credits!)
Channel Awesome tagline - Chad: In the excellent Chainsaw Massacre by Tobe Hooper, why don't we ever see the characters go to the bathroom?