Rogue One: A Star Wars Story

Rogue One: A Star Wars Story
Released	December 27, 2016
Running time	23:00
Previous review	I'll Be Home For Christmas
Next Review	TBA

In memory of Carrie Fisher

(After we see the Channel Awesome logo, we see the caption, "A long time ago...but not TOO long ago...but like, not super short either. We'd give you a date, but calendars don't seem to exist in this world. I don't even know if they have clocks. Have you EVER seen a clock? This galaxy is weird." Then we immediately see a planet in outer space, and we see Galen Erso, played by Jim Jarosz, noticing something)

NC: Wait a minute. (NC appears and flicks the planet away) Where's the crawl? And the Star Wars title? And the big music?

(Chris Stuckmann is shown from his review room)

Chris Stuckmann: Well, it's a different kind of Star Wars movie.

(NC shudders when Chris appears)

Chris: You see, this isn't part of the trilogies that spanned three generations, this is more of a spin-off film. It's a story that stands on its own, but also happens to be in the same universe, hence the title, Rogue One: A Star Wars Story.

NC: Okay, Chris, why the hell are you talking like that?

(Chris is shown to be actually standing next to NC, looking at the camera, and his review room being an image behind him)

Chris: Like what?

NC: Like I'm somehow in front of you, even though I'm clearly to your left.

Chris: That's just the Chris Stuckmann tradition. I always address the camera with my edited thoughts. It's kind of the Chris Stuckmann way.

NC: (Pushes Chris's image away) Yeah, well, how about the Star Wars way, and we have an opening crawl?

Chris: I told you, Critic. It's not that kind of movie.

(Images of the movie are shown)

Chris (vo): Rogue One is the first of what is currently an unending series of Star Wars universe films. While the trilogies will continue to follow the stories of the characters we know and love from the first movie, these will be more background stories. Think of them as the appendix in The Lord of the Rings, a way to get more history of fictional events and characters. They're stand-alone films that give us more information on a world we can't get enough of. So the idea of cutting out the crawl is just a way to show it's one of the many side stories that's yet to come.

NC: But we had another holiday theme, a Star Wars Solstice. This is totally gonna ruin next year when we do a Star Wars Feast Day of Our Lady of Guadalupe.

Chris: But this is just what Star Was is now. It can't be any worse than the changes made in the past.

NC: No. This is my show, and I want a crawl! Let her roll! (The two are suddenly risen up by an opening crawl, as triumphant music plays) Now that's more like it.

(Suddenly, the crawl stops rising, causing NC and Chris to fall down to the ground. They get back up)

NC: Hey, what's the holdup?

(An angry-sounding Rob Walker is shown working furiously with Barney Walker and Jim Jarosz on a computer)

Rob: I'm sorry! We're only making letters float through space! If you can think of a better way to make letters float through space, then I'd like to see it!

(He growls in frustration and resumes working furiously. NC and Chris sit down behind the delayed opening crawl)

NC: Well, I guess we're stuck here for a bit.

Chris: Hey, look. (Picks up the number 3 and holds it in front of his face) I'm a kitty cat!

NC: Knock that off! (Slaps Chris) While we're waiting for the crawl to get fixed, I guess we should go ahead and start the review.

Chris: You got it.

(He picks up his review room image, but NC slaps it away)

NC: Stop that! (Sighs) This is Rogue One. (Nothing happens) Oh!

(He brings back the planet he flicked away earlier and puts it back in its space spot. Again, as with most reviews of movies still in theatres, the whole review is presented with reenactments, and occasional images. We go back to Galen Erso, who notices Orson Krennic (also played by Chris) and a Stormtrooper walking towards him)

Stormtrooper: Sir, why'd we park so far away?

(We see Krennic and the stormtrooper kill the mother and take Galen captive as Jyn Erso (played by Tamara) watches. Jyn is wearing Rey's clothing here)

Chris (vo): So a young brunette girl with a British accent is separated from her family, and she spends most of her life with no direction, trying to cope with that tragic day.

NC: Actually, that was Rey's character from Force Awakens.

Chris: Oh, yeah! Duh! How did I get those two mixed up? (Clears his throat)

(The scene repeats, only with Jyn wearing her normal clothes)

Chris (vo): So a young brunette girl with a British accent is separated from her family, and she spends most of her life with no direction, trying to cope with that tragic day.

NC: Not that Star Wars doesn't have a lot of repeat, but don't you think that's a little cut-and-paste?

Jyn: Oh, I'm sorry. I guess the young American guys didn't get enough attention. (Images of Luke Skywalker and Anakin Skywalker are shown)

NC: Okay.

Chris: Fair enough.

(We see Cassain Andor (played by Walter Banisiak) rescue Jyn from Stormtroopers)

NC (vo): After cheerfully accompanying the Rebel Alliance, Jyn is taken to their headquarters, where one of the rebels named Cassian reveals that her father Galen is the architect of a new weapon called the Death Star.

Cassian: The man who raised you named Saw...

Jyn: (Snickers softly) His name is Saw?

Cassian: Trust me, you'll forget all these names once the movie is over.

Jyn: Ah.

Cassian: ...has secret information from your father. We're hoping you can infiltrate him to figure out where he is.

Jyn: I don't want to, but I guess I have no choice.

NC: Now how long did it take to say all that? Less than a minute?

Chris: I guess.

NC: So, why does it take us less than a minute and the movie a DOZEN minutes to say the same thing?!

(We see Cassain talking to Jyn as a computer shows various information)

NC (vo): This movie goes beyond taking its time. It stretches out so much info for a story that we already kind of have figured out. It's like watching it in slow-mo, yet they somehow talk in normal speech.

(We see Rook the pilot (played by Doug) being held captive by Saw (played by Malcolm))

Chris (vo): Some of it doesn't even add up, like when this pilot named Rook wants to defect for the Rebellion, yet Saw doesn't trust him. So they hook him up to a lie detector squid.

(A giant squid appears and slowly approaches the scared Rook)

Saw: The squid... can sense your... feelings! Your lies! Your inner thoughts!

Rook: Okay, how does he do that?

Saw: I don't know.

Rook: Where did you find him?

Saw: I don't know.

Rook: Why does he want to help you out? 

Saw: I don't know.

Rook: What'll you do if I'm lying or not lying?

Saw: I don't know.

Rook: What do you know?

Saw: I really like tentacle hentai. 

Rook: Ew, that's gross!

Saw: Lies!

Chris (vo): It also doesn't help that this movie jumps all over the place. It seems like every other minute, it cuts to a new planet or solar system.

(Cut to Cassian and Jyn)

Cassian: I'm taking you to Rebel headquarters.

(We are then shown their ship approaching the planet labeled "Rebel Headquarters". We then cut to Jyn and Cassian again)

Jyn: I'm taking you to find Saw.

(We are then shown their ship approaching the planet Terfafa. We then cut to Orson and a stormtrooper)

Stormtrooper: I'm taking you to the Death Star.

(We are then shown their TIE Fighter approaching the Death Star. We see Orson and the stormtrooper inside)

Krennic: I'm taking you out to lunch.

(The TIE Fighter is then shown approaching the planet labeled "Djfrhilsdrgy". We see Orson and the stormtrooper on that planet, looking bored)

Krennic: I completely forgot why we came here.

(The TIE Figher immediately flies back to the Death Star. Once there, Orson and the stormtrooper realize something)

Krennic: That's right, lunch!

(The TIE Fighter immediately flies back to Djfrhilsdrgy)

NC: It's like they're trying to make a simple story seem bigger by constantly trying to seem angry and busy.

Chris: Ah, the George Constanza method.

NC: Basically.

(We see Jyn and Cassian meet up with the other Rebels on their team)

Chris (vo): Thankfully, their team is full of people who distract from that, like K-2SO.

NC (vo): Who's kind of like C-3PO if they sucked out all the pussiness.

(C-3PO is shown)

C-3PO: Greeting and salutations. I am C-3PO...

Jyn immediately puts a steroid on him, which immediately transforms him into K-2SO)

K-2SO: Oh, piss off, you pansy! Suck my big black rod!

(We see Baze, played by Malcolm)

Chris (vo): There's also a freedom fighter named Baze, whose philosophy is shoot first, ask questions in...whatever this world calls Hell.

NC: Actually, I think it's just Hell. (An image of The Empire Strikes Back where Han Solo says "Then I'll see you in Hell!" is shown)

Chris: So this universe has both angels and Hell, yet no Christianity?

NC: Keep with the midi-chlorian church.

(We see Chirrut Îmwe, played by Jim)

NC (vo): And then, of course, there's the blind warrior named... (His name is shown) Um...

NC: Yeah, I'm just calling him Toph.

(Chirrut is shown wearing several bits of Toph's clothing)

Chris (vo): But the downside is, while many of them are entertaining, we don't really know that much about them. We have no idea how these two (Chirrut and Baze) know each other, why the pilot Rook defected, or why the hell Squidward was in this movie! (The giant squid is shown again)

NC: Dude, you gotta let that go.

Chris: No! What...was that?! Why was that in the movie?! Stop putting scenes with tentacles in your movies! (A Rathtar from The Force Awakens is shown) They don't work!

(We see Jyn and Saw arguing with each other)

NC (vo): It might be a good thing not knowing their stories, though, as when you do, it almost makes us less interested in them somehow.

Jyn: I'm kind of angry with you!

Saw: I'm kind of angry with YOU!

Jyn: I thought you were my kind of father!

Saw: I thought I kind of raised you!

Jyn: I thought we had a kind of connection!

Saw: Kind of!

Jyn: Kind of!

Saw: KIND OF! (Beat) Wow. We went over everything, and I feel, like, no attachment.

Jyn: Yeah, I'm not gonna miss you when you die.

Saw: Speaking of which...

(Saw suddenly blows up, as Jyn quickly leaves. We then cut to Orson meeting up with Grand Moff Tarkin)

Chris (vo): That blast, by the way, was a test by the Death Star done by General Krennic and Grand Moff Tarkin.

NC: Wait a minute. How did they do that if Peter Cushing is dead? (Beat) Oh, no, not...

Chris: That's right! Digital Talkin' Tarkin!

(Tarkin is presented as a toy figure, as captions describing him and the price for him are shown)

Chris (vo): Available now from Hasbro for only $14.95! Void where prohibited.

NC: OH, GOD! It's like Jeff Bridges from Tron: Legacy mixed with Jim Carrey from A Christmas Carol!

Chris: Well, it's actually not that bad. (NC looks at him) Sometimes.

Chris (vo): The CG is really impressive. It always looks like somebody's really there. (The toy Tarkin is shown with an image of a moving mouth) But the uncanny valley distracts from ever fully accepting it.

NC (vo): Sometimes he looks convincing, but the rest of the time, you'd swear they put the fake lips of John Lennon from Forrest Gump on there.

Tarkin: Make it so they have nothing left on that planet. (Suddenly, Tarkin's mouth image is replaced with another mouth image) No possessions? No religion? It's easy if you try, dick. Dismissed.

NC: Oh, good. At least the scene is over.

Tarkin: Oh, and don't forget, we have, like, five more meetings in the next 24 hours.

(NC and Chris groan in annoyance)

Chris: That's another thing. He's in this film...a lot.

(Orson is shown meeting Darth Vader on the planet Mustafar)

Chris (vo): It kind of makes you wonder why they didn't just replace him with Darth Vader, who's only given less than 10 minutes in the movie. He's one of the most famous villains who always wears a mask. Why not use this guy as much as possible?

NC: Well, to be fair, it might be because James Earl Jones's voice is sounding a little tired after doing it all these years.

(Darth Vader, who's voiced by Malcolm, attempts to prepare to do his scene as Orson gets increasingly bored)

Darth Vader: Oh, my God, are they still making these? Okay, where's the script? How many lines do I have? What? This it? Oh, Christ, I was in The Sandlot longer. What, am I literally just taking a bath while I'm literally off-screen? Okay, okay. (Speaks to Orson) Look here, General Krennic. Krennic? What the hell kind of a name is that? It's like in one ear, out the other, forgotten. I forgot I even said it. Oh, fuck it. Just don't have me scream "Noooo!" and we'll be good.

Chris: I don't care if he sounds old. He's Darth Vader! We deserve more of him. Remember when this guy (Gareth Edwards) directed Aaron Taylor-Johnson, also starring Godzilla?

NC: Oh! That Godzilla movie that had almost no Godzilla.

Chris: Right.

NC: Yeah, but to be fair, that movie had such bland main characters that just weren't interesting and you couldn't get sucked into. You see where I'm going with this?

Chris: (Sighs) Yeah.

(We see Jyn and Cassian arguing with each other)

NC (vo): While the side characters work well enough, our main leads are mostly pretty flat. It's almost like they were given direction to not be awful, but not be interesting either.

Cassian: How do you know your father's not the enemy?

Jyn: I saw his message. He's on our side.

Cassian: Is that so?

Jyn: Yes! (A caption saying "Too Interesting! Gareth Edwards' Warning of Indifference" appears with a buzzer sound) I mean... (Speaks more calmly) Yes, in a totally passable yet unexceptional way.

Cassian: I am passionate about this, but not too passionate, in case we're all to die in the end.

Jyn: Right, so the people don't get too depressed, we can still market this as a deep but enjoyable adventure. (Cassian stands confused for a moment) Oh, did I mention that we have toys?

(She brings out a toy set. The caption changes into "Perfect! Gareth Edwards Approves" with a ding sound)

Cassian: (Excited) Okay! (The caption goes back to its first caption, causing Cassian to speak calmly) I mean, okay.

(We go to the commercial)

NC (vo): Jyn's father is kill by the empire as once again, it doesn't seem as emotionally investing as it probably should be. Galen: Jyn, I put a weakness in the Death Star so small that they'll never notice it. In fact, its so small that every time they build a new one, it'll have the exact same weakness. Jyn: Really, they never catch on? Galen: They use Jolly Ranchers for badges. They're not exactly the brightest stars in the solar system. Okay, I'm dead now. Rook: Rogue One. Rook: Boring conversation anyway. We're gonna have company! Krennic: If Vader is in this movie, why isn't he down there on that beach? Stormtrooper: Um, hello. Sand? Krennic: Oh, right. He hates sand. Stormtrooper: It's so course, rough and irritating. Krennic: And it gets everywhere! Stormtrooper: He has posters like all over the place. How could you miss this? Krennic: I guess I'll have to go down there. Stormtrooper: Don't you have, like, a million stormtroopers? Krennic: Yeah, but I can actually hit something! Stormtrooper: What an asshole. Chris: However, Darth Vader comes back! NC: By god, does he come back! Chris (vo): Just when you thought he contributed nothing to this movie... NC (vo): He comes aboard one of the ships and is like... Vader: I have come to deliver the most awesome scene in the movie. (rebel soldiers start firing at Darth Vader, with Vader blocking all lazer blasts with his light saber without any effort) Vader: Yeah, no, this is nothing. This is literally nothing. I can do this with no hands. Watch. (Vader starts using the force to float his light saber in front of him, continuing to block lazer blasts, as he starts break dancing) Oh! Ah! Yeah! Oh! Get Down! Huh-uh! Wah! My saber is also great at making people shorter. (Vader sends his light saber at the rebel soldier played by Chris, cutting his head off) (rebel soldiers continue firing) And you! (points at the rebel soldier played by Jim) You, you, you, you! You belong on the ceiling! (Vader uses the force to send Jim flying up into the ceiling) Check it out. Check it out. I'm not even looking at you. I'm not even looking at you! (Vader continues to slam Jim up and down from the ceiling to the floor) That's how easy this is. I'm so cool!! (Vader finally drops Jim down, splattering him) Ha! Look at his punk-ass! Looks like Rebel Kool-Aid. (last two rebel soldiers continue firing, but Vader blocks with his hand) Aw, that's right, bitches! I'm stopping that with my hand. With my goddamn hand! But you know what they say? What goes in must come out. Out my ass. Alright. Here we go, everybody. (Vader turns around and lifts up his cape, firing the laser blasts he just caught with his hand out his ass, shooting the rebel soldier played by Malcolm) I am fucking amazing. (last rebel soldier played by Doug stands there, dumbfounded) Oh, whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do? Shits getting hot in here, huh? (Doug puts down his blaster and puts up his fists) Oh, okay. Yeah, we're gonna duke it out. We're gonna duke it out! You're a tough guy, huh? Oh, I'm so scared. Darth Vader's gonna die from your pussy fists. You're gonna save the galaxy with those hands, right? Oh wait, I forgot. I can choke a bitch. (Vader force-chokes Doug to death, then picks up his light saber) Dark Side, muthafuckas! (Vader mic drops his light saber, and then leaves) Leia: We have a new hope. NC: You need an exorcist. NC (vo): Thus, the Rebels head off with the plans and the film comes to a close. C-3PO: And we were in this too! NC: Dude, that's it, we're done. Nothing more, that's the last review of the year. I don't know what else you're expecting, that's it, we're done. I'll see you in January! Wait a minute! Next month is January! You know what that means! (Beat) SEQUEL MONTH!! THE SEQUEL!! (screams) Channel Awesome Tagline - Darth Vader: Dark Side, Motherfuckers!