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Rock 'N Roll #31

At4w riock and roll no 31 by masterthecreater-d59vs4v-768x339

Released
August 6, 2012
Running time
28:46
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Tagline
Go 'Nilla, Go 'Nilla, Go! Or, rather, the secret origin of Vanilla Ice!
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(Holokara is seen holding Pollo and looking closely at his Tom Servo body)

Pollo: I don't understand why we need to do this now.

Holokara: (setting Pollo down) The Tom Servo body was never meant to house you, Pollo. I've already started seeing some memory fragmentation where there shouldn't be any. (picks up a control)

Pollo: But you haven't finished my new body yet.

Holokara: (getting annoyed) Yeah, yeah, I'm working on them, but this takes priority. I've built a nice temporary body that's actually designed for you, while I work on the others. (pushes some buttons on the control)

Pollo: So you have the free time to build me a new body in a week, but not the permanent ones? That doesn't make any sense.

Holokara: All righty, transfer complete. (picks up Pollo's new body, which is smaller, blue and boxy) What do you think?

Pollo: It's smaller.

Holokara: You're a real Negative Nancy, you know that? (looks up, slightly startled) Oh! Hello, everybody and welcome to Atop the Fourth Wall, where bad comics burn. Today, we're talking about a comic that's cool. Cool as icccce.

Pollo: That was terrible. You are terrible. And my arms still don't work.

(AT4W title theme plays; title card has "Ice Ice Baby" by Vanilla Ice playing in the background. Cut to footage of a Vanilla Ice music video, but with text covering it reading "THIS TEXT HERE BECAUSE OF CONTENTID.")

Holokara (v/o): Vanilla Ice. I don't even have to say anything else. The mere mention of Vanilla Ice is a punchline in and of itself. Unfortunately, this comic is not some story where he's a superhero or a PSA or anything. It's a biography comic, much like (An image of the cover of "Mickey Mantle #2" is superimposed) the Mickey Mantle comic from way back. Originally, I didn't think I'd do this, since biography comics are usually extremely boring. Sometimes, they're bizarre, like (An image of the cover of "Lady Gaga #1" is superimposed) the ones from Bluewater Productions, buuut this one is not quite as bizarre as that. It is, however, extraordinarily goofy. And in black-and-white.

Holokara: But now, like the Eminem and Punisher crossover comic, we need to call on someone else's expertise for information on this once-famous rapper.

(Cut through static to Rap Critic, who sits down in his chair, groaning)

RC: Now that I'm done with Rap Critic for the next two months, I can finally get started on my album. (looks at his computer) So what should I–

Holokara: (waving) Hey, Rap Critic!

(The next bit alternates between Linkara and RC)

RC: (grudgingly) Yeah?

Holokara: Tell me what you know about Vanilla Ice.

RC: (sighs) Utilizing my vast knowledge of hip-hop to talk about Vanilla Ice... Honestly, I should've expected this. Okay, let's talk about Vanilla Ice.

(Footage of a Vanilla Ice video is shown)

RC (v/o): Okay, Vanilla Ice grew up in an affluent suburb of Dallas, Texas, only to move to Miami in the middle of his high school years, which, due to the big Miami-based hip-hop scene at the time, ended up influencing him to be a rapper.

RC: (uncomfortably) Unfortunately, he wasn't very good at it.

(Cut to footage of Vanilla Ice's "Ice Ice Baby" video)

RC (v/o): Even more unfortunately, he got famous for it, the apex of his fame being the well-known "Ice Ice Baby", with his clearly amateur flow clumsily spilling everywhere.

Vanilla Ice: (rapping)

The girlies on standby
Waving just to say, "Hi"
Did you stop?
No, I just drove by
Kept on pursuing to the next stop
I bust a left and I'm heading to the next block
That block was dead, yo
So I continued to A1A Beachfront Avenue...

RC (v/o): And his raps about being a hardcore gangsta.

Vanilla Ice: (rapping)

Shay with a gauge and Vanilla with a nine
Ready for the chumps on the wall
The chumps are acting ill because they're so full of eight ball
Gunshots ranged out like a bell
I grabbed my nine
All I heard were shells...

RC (v/o): Now, he's not the first rapper to talk about the gangsta lifestyle, but he was the first to make it... uh, how should I say this?

RC: (uncomfortably) He was the first to make it... accessible to mainstream audiences. Basically, he's like being black without having to worry about... (eyes shift left and right) you know... (sotto voce) being black.

RC (v/o): And I really think it's more his label's fault for how shamefully they promoted him. The guy was obviously okay and was happy to get a big break, despite his limited talent, but his label's exploitation of an art form bubbling underneath the surface of mainstream attention by going with the safest bet they could – a young, ultimately harmless white dude who talks about living the hard life, but obviously doesn't – perfectly mimic the demographic they were aiming for. And the rappers who had actually gone through what he was talking about...

RC: ...didn't really like that.

(Cut to footage of a Beastie Boys music video)

RC (v/o): And that's not to say that there were no respected white artists in hip-hop. In fact, guys like the Beastie Boys were accepted by the hip-hop populace because they made music that you felt honestly represented them: three crazy Jewish boys who were influenced by rap as well as rock, who were not trying to sound like anyone else in rap, and people respected that.

(Cut to footage of a Third Base music video)

RC (v/o): As well, rappers like Third Base obviously had respect for the art and regularly talk about race and important topics of the day. Thing is, although hip-hop was a very diversified culture, its main roots were in an African American timeline. And when guys like Snow and Vanilla Ice...

RC: (grimacing) ...with their oddly specific names relating to frozen water...

RC (v/o): ...began shooting to the top of the charts, one couldn't help but see parallels in how the mainstream culture favored certain white artists to make black music.

(Cut to footage of Elvis Presley performing)

RC (v/o): Guys like Elvis Presley and the Beatles were seen as the faces of rock 'n' roll, when their legacy was paved with songs from the likes of...

(Cut to a shot of...)

RC (v/o): ...Big Mama Thornton and Muddy Waters, and jazz started out in the 1910s as a genre populated by black musicians who valued musical improvisation to create their songs.

(Cut to a shot of jazz bandleader Paul Whiteman)

RC (v/o): But when Paul Whiteman, a white musician whose main claim to fame was turning already-established jazz tunes into written musical compositions, came along, all of a sudden, the white guy was hailed as the King of Jazz. Yep, Whiteman was proclaimed as the King of Jazz.

RC: (shaking head) I'm not spitefully bigoted enough to make that up.

(Another clip of Vanilla Ice is shown)

RC (v/o): So, needless to say, by the 1990s, black musicians had noticed a certain pattern.

RC: But it's not like he just ripped off a specific song from a black artist and then didn't give them credit for it. No, he did that to David Bowie.

RC (v/o): But in a world where some people actually think that rap music wasn't around until 1990, probably mainly due to the fact that in the early '90s, "Ice Ice Baby" was the first and only rap song permitted to be played on non-hip-hop-oriented radio stations... that's not a very good first impression of rap music.

RC: Think about this: despite what the mainstream consciousness thinks of him now, Vanilla Ice will forever go down in history as being the first rapper to ever have a number-one single in America.

Holokara: (stunned) That... sucks...

RC: Want to know what's worse? The first music video with a rap in it allowed on MTV? "Rapture" by Blondie.

Holokara: Wow! Really?

RC: Yep.

Holokara: So, going back to Vanilla Ice, to be sure, he had no street credibility?

RC: (shrugs) He was allegedly dangled out of a twenty-story building by Suge Knight, but other than that, not really.

Holokara: So what put a stop to his fame?

RC: Well, more credible gangsta rap started being accepted in the mainstream.

RC (v/o): And his attempt to adapt to that earned him a spot in the forgotten wasteland of albums by relevant rappers during the mid-'90s.

Holokara: Well, since you're here, would you be interested in a crossover, maybe?

RC: (putting on a pair of headphones) Dude, I'm on break. That's all you get for free.

(He pushes a remote control and the screen cuts off with static)

Holokara: Hmm. Well, anyway, let's dig into (holds up today's comic) "Rock 'N Roll #31", featuring Vanilla Icccce.

(Cut to a closeup of the comic's cover)

Holokara (v/o): The cover's actually pretty okay compositionally, but Vanilla Ice's pose confuses me. Is he sitting or crouching? He's standing in front of what I presume to be an ice sculpture of himself... though for all I know, it could be some kind of crystalline monster about to eat him. Probably most confusing of all about this thing is that Vanilla Ice was a rapper, but this is appearing in something called "Rock 'N Roll Comics".

Holokara: I guess Batman came to their offices one day and insisted they start supporting other musical styles besides rock 'n' roll, or he'd beat them all up.

Holokara (v/o): We begin with a splash page featuring the Ice Man doing various poses, including flashing some kind of gang sign.

Holokara: (making said gang sign) Fo' tight, yo!

Holokara (v/o): And another where he's doing a push-up while giggling maniacally.

Holokara: You know, someday they're gonna make a biography comic of me, but it's just gonna feature me weeping into a whiskey bottle after having finished another issue of "Marville".

Holokara (v/o): We open on Halloween of 1968, where we're seeing Vanilla Ice's birth, because this was important to see. Also, his mother is resting her hands behind her head as if she was the most comfortable person ever. Pretty sure women aren't usually that relaxed while in labor.

Vanilla Ice's Mother: Just wheel me in there and get this thing over with! Feels like the son of a bitch is dancing in there!

Holokara: (deadpan) Really? You really need to set up that he's been dancing since he was in the womb? Also, lady, you just called yourself a bitch.

Narrator: Young Robert Van Winkle (AKA Vanilla Ice) takes an immediate shine to the art of competition...

Van Winkle: I c'n scream loudah than* ya, Kip!

  • NOTE: Van Winkle actually says "that" instead of "than".

Holokara: We're really suggesting that he was born to compete because when he was three years old, he said he could scream louder than his brother? That's like saying that I had a future in art because I made crayon drawings on the wall as a kid.

Holokara (v/o): Also, nice spelling error there.

Spelling Errors: 1

Holokara (v/o): It's not even like you can blame that on the child accent; he actually says, "I can scream louder that you."

Kip: (thinking) My little half brother! I'm five years older, but the little bugger's already got lungs like Muhammad Ali!

Holokara: Ah, yes, the most famous thing about Muhammad Ali: his lung capacity.

Holokara (v/o): I really don't get this line. The best I can figure is Ali's ability to trash-talk, sometimes considered by many to be how rap music got started, but it's really kind of vague. Also, Ali could kick Vanilla Ice's ass. Don't try to compare the two, because no. Later, the Van Winkle family lives in an affluent suburb of Miami, according to the comic. See? This one-story house and him working on his bicycle means that he's affluent.

Robert's mother: (to Robert) Your teacher just called again! How can a seven-year-old get in so much trouble?! If you don't stop this nonsense, we'll have to move again just to keep you from getting kicked out of school!

Holokara (v/o): The young Mr. Ice makes this expression (...which is of listless disinterest) and responds only in his mind.

Robert: (thinking) Man, we've already moved four times!

Holokara: (as Robert, imitating his listless expression) I am just so deeply emotional about the fact that we have moved four times.

Robert: (thinking) Miami Lakes, Hialeah... every boring old neighborhood in Miami. --I wish Dad would move us somewhere cool, like the ghetto or something!

Holokara (v/o): Wait, this kid isn't Vanilla Ice...

(Cut to a shot of...)

Holokara (v/o): ...it's Izaak Crowe from "Batman: Fortunate Son"! You know, the dumbass who complained that it sucks that he didn't grow up impoverished!

(Cut back to the Vanilla Ice comic)

Holokara (v/o): In the mid-'70s, his father abandoned the family.

Robert: (thinking) Well, at least broken families are cooler than middle class families!

Holokara: Kid, you're an idiot.

Narrator: As the family moves about, Ice often finds himself in the role of "The New Kid", a role which he plays with hisrionic [sic] flair.

Spelling Errors: 2

Holokara (v/o): I did check on that, by the way: "rionic" is not a word, even though it sounds like it. But then again, considering how absolutely stupid he looks*, I'm gonna start using "rionic" to describe such a thing.

  • NOTE: He basically looks like a hippie, with a headband, sunglasses, loose shirt and beads around his neck.

Robert: (thinking) As long as everyone's eyes are already on me, I'm gonna give 'em something good to look at!

Holokara: And yet, you eventually you did this (a shot of Vanilla Ice's pompadour is shown) to your hair.

Narrator: As Ice officially enters his teen years, his mother marries Byron Mino... Ice is unimpressed with the ceremony...

Holokara: (as Ice, imitating his look of dull boredom) I am unimpressed with the ceremony...

Robert: (thinking) I'd rather be riding Indian motorcycle right now!

Holokara: (as Robert) So lame, man. I'm just gonna listen to my headphones during the ceremony and be really disrespectful! How dare my mother get remarried to a loser like that!

(Cut to a clip of Cool as Ice)

Johnny (Vanilla Ice): Drop that zero and get with the hero!

(Cut back to the comic)

Narrator: Indeed, though he later claims to have come from a poverty stricken family, Ice's mother encourages his love of motorcycling by buying him all the bikes and equipment he needs.

Holokara: (as Robert's mother) I just don't get it, son! What do you need a duel disk for with your motorcycle? (as Ice, holding up a duel disk) You're just never gonna get it, Mom! It's just too radical for you!

Narrator: By sixth grade, Ice has five cycles and is known in school as the kid who can't say no to a dare!

Holokara: (as one of the schoolkids) Hey, I dare you to (holds up duel disk) jam this up your nose! (as Ice) You're on!

Sixth grader: Hey, Rob, I bet yer too chicken to ride yer bike through the playground later!

Robert: Yo, you be illin', my man! Big time! Just watch me, homey. Ah am superior, mutha!

(Cut to a clip of a Game Crazy training video)

Trainer: Ry-Dog, that was the bomb diggity, my friend! How'd you do it, dog?

(Back to the comic again)

Holokara (v/o): Later, Ice tries to use his sweet moves to chill with the honeys, yo, but is met with rejection.

Girl: You think you're so hot! In case you haven't looked in a mirror, you're white as vanilla! And you're about as hot as ice!

Robert: (thinking) Yeah, but ice is cool! And I like the sound of vanilla!

Holokara: (as Robert) Plain, average, without anything special about it. Yeah, I like that.

Robert: (thinking) Say, that flag up there would make a great coat!

Holokara: (laughs) No, it wouldn't.

Holokara (v/o): And look, it's not like this is some grand superhero prequel story or something. We don't need to know the secret behind Vanilla Ice's coat! Let me guess: next, we'll learn the secret origin behind his socks?

Narrator: Young Ice becomes fascinated with breakdancing...

Robert: Yo homeboys-- step aside and let me try that! I seen a TV special on breakin'...

Holokara: Oh, well, if you saw it on TV, then you must be able to recreate it.

Holokara (v/o): However, despite his hit moves of... grabbing behind his knees, he is laughed off the cardboard boxes, although one person watching is impressed.

Man: (thinking) Actually, he wasn't half bad for some of the caucasion [sic] persuasion!

Holokara: So, he's pretty fly for a white guy? (raises his finger in the air and a snippet of "Pretty Fly For a White Guy" by The Offspring plays)

Holokara (v/o): The guy decides to introduce our hero to some more music, and we get a montage of him getting into fights, getting into trouble, literally chasing skirts... Wait, are we sure he's our hero? Next, we see that he moved to Dallas, started lying to people about his background, he steals his mom's car and wrecks it... I'm not exactly certain who this is supposed to appeal to.

Holokara: I mean, most biography comics I've read tend to de-emphasize the bad parts of people's histories. But this thing flat-out admits he's an asshole! It's one of those comics that makes you sigh, shake your head, and wonder, "Who actually would buy this comic?"

(Cut to 90s Kid)

90s Kid: Duuuuude! Vanilla Ice is a true up-and-comer, man! Sure, he's experienced a bit of a setback in recent years, but Cool as Ice is the most awesome movie EVERRRRRRR!

Holokara (v/o): Anyway, after the young M.C. Vanilla, as he was called back then, attends a Run-D.M.C. concert, he realizes he needs to stop over-practicing his dancing and work more on his rapping.

Holokara: (as Robert) Maybe... something about ninjas. It's a pity ninjas are only a fairy tale.

Holokara (v/o): Our lying protagonist claims to have won several Motocross races, but apparently the American Motocross Association can't back up those claims, and later, he gets into a fight where he's stabbed in the leg.

Narrator: The Ice-Man claims to have lost half of his body's blood in the "gang-fight" years later.

Holokara (v/o): "The Ice-Man"?

(Cut to a clip of Top Gun)

Iceman (Val Kilmer): (to Maverick) You can be my wingman anytime.

Holokara: And, as an alternative, if you've think I've used that reference too much...

(Cut to a clip of Batman & Robin)

Mr. Freeze (Arnold Schwarzenegger): The Iceman cometh!

Holokara: (smiling) Yeah, that's what I thought.

Narrator: At 20, he's dyed his hair blonde, shaved the black-chic "fade" stripes into it, and he's wearing the day's most outrageous street fashions.

Holokara (v/o): Yep, those fashions are indeed rionic.

Robert: Bah bah boom pah fechawop wop...

Holokara: And yet, Mel Torme won't let Vanilla Ice scat with him.

Narrator: He's also perfecting a pretty decent rap/dance/mouth-noise routine.

Holokara: (making a "finger quote") "Mouth-noise" is really a perfect way to describe a lot of horrible singing or rapping out there.

Holokara (v/o): In July 1987, Ice and a friend went to a hip-hop club.

Robert: Hey, where'd you go? -- I thought you just went to take a leak... but you were gone ten minutes!

(Cut to a clip of Ace Ventura: Pet Detective)

Ace: (emerging from a bathroom) Do not go in there! Whoo! (swings hand back and forth)

(Cut back to the comic)

Holokara (v/o): Actually, the friend decided to enter him into the rap competition. Naturally, he's nervous about this, but comes up with a routine that he thinks will work, giving instructions to the deejay.

Deejay: The names "Earthquake" not "Yo, My Man."

Holokara (v/o): No, it's not, (points to camera) you're Lando Calrissian! Don't deny it!

Earthquake: An' who the hell are you?!

(The Batman logo is shown, but with Vanilla Ice's head and the word "Iceman" on the wings. The Batman TV show theme plays, with the background singers going, "Iceman!")

Holokara (v/o): The comic says that he does "a decent rap" and "a fair beat box", but impresses the crowd with his dancing. Once again, I love how the biography comic doesn't say he wowed audiences or anything, just that he's okay. Some of the people boo him, but a manager in the audience spots this up-and-coming talent.

Manager: (thinking) Think I'll see if this kid needs a rep! He's pretty good... for a white guy!

Holokara: You mean, he's pretty fly for a... (stops himself) Aw, crap, I already did that joke.

Holokara (v/o): And so, the next day, they decide that "MC Vanilla" sounds stupid and go with the far superior name, "Vanilla Ice". They recruit Lando– erm, I mean, Earthquake from the club, and they start sampling songs from the record collection to make new ones, like Queen and David Bowie's "Under Pressure" to become "Ice Ice Baby". And to complete the look, they give him a bottle of Stiff, which I thought was booze, but what do I know? And the result is... exactly what he looked liked a second ago.

Narrator: Like Svengali and Doctor Frankenstein before them, Quon and Quake put their monster hit-maker together using bits and pieces from many sources.

Holokara: And yet, somehow, the follow-up albums "Bride of Vanilla Ice" and "Young Vanilla Ice" just never went anywhere.

Holokara (v/o): I could go on like this, because there truly is a lot of goofy dialogue to be found, like when he's performing at a hip-hop club and someone thinks...

Person: (thinking) Who is this guy?! He looks like a hyper Max Headroom!

Holokara: Ironic, because it only took twenty minutes into the future for Vanilla Ice's career to fail. (the sound of a rimshot is heard)

Holokara (v/o): After more of Vanilla Ice rambling about how awesome he is, they try to sell a single to record companies of a cover of "Play That Funky Music", but no one takes.

Earthquake: Well, it's kind of reverse racism. You're just too damned white! You got no hard rep. You don't drink, smoke, there's no cussin' in your raps! You look like what you are... a clean cut, arrogant rich boy who wishes he was black!

Holokara: (leaning in close to camera and pointing his finger at it) This means you, audience!

Holokara (v/o): They decide to go the indie route and just release the record themselves, and soon the V.I.P., or "Vanilla Ice Posse", are touring the USA. They say that in one city, they accidentally play the "Ice Ice Baby" side of the record by mistake, but it becomes a big hit. This is where it starts getting really dull: just biographical bits for a page or two, with the manager saying stuff like how he went to the same high school as Luther Campbell of 2 Live Crew, but they didn't go at the same time. Eventually, this oily guy manages to get him to tour with MC Hammer and En Vogue.

Narrator: The tour is a stone rave-up...

Holokara: (making a "finger quote" in confusion) "Stone rave-up"? Okay, I'm sure that actually means something, but I'm counting it as a spelling error anyway, because I have no idea what the hell that's supposed to mean.

Spelling Errors: 3

Narrator: His heavy telepresence on Video Jukebox and MTV mirrors the rocketing radio play and record sales.

Holokara (v/o): Wait, wait, wait, wait. Music videos played on MTV? What new spore of madness is this? Speaking of, he does an interview on MTV.

Vanilla Ice: Well, I'm 100% original! My rap is more understanding, slower. It tells a story. You can write a book on each of my thoughts!

Holokara: Oh, yeah, we could write the next "War and Peace" on the complexity of your thoughts, sir.

(Cut to another clip of Cool as Ice)

Kathy (Kristin Minter): So, where are you from?

Johnny: Around.

(Back to the comic again)

Narrator: In late October, he's invited to play a small role in (and record a song for)* a new film, the sequal...

  • ANOTHER NOTE: There is no end parentheses in the comic itself.

Spelling Errors: 4

Narrator: ...to a summer 1990 blockbuster...

Female acquaintance: Mr. Ice, these are thei* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!

  • YET ANOTHER NOTE: Yet another spelling error there, but one that Holokara does not notice immediately, but does notice as mentioned further down.

Vanilla Ice: Ahhh, my CO-STARS!

Holokara: (uncomfortably) This panel raises so many questions.

Holokara (v/o): So, why is she introducing them as if they were the actual Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and not actors in suits? Why are there only three turtles? Why does Ice call them his co-stars? I would hope he was just joking, but with this comic, it's hard to tell. Also, I said that wrong...

Female acquaintance: These are thei (pronounces it "they")...

Spelling Errors: 5

Holokara (v/o): So, at some point, Vanilla Ice decided he should paint his face up like he was the Ultimate Warrior. No comment. He beats out MC Hammer in the sales charts, goes on tour some more, and finally, controversy starts to hit him, and reporters are questioning everything about his image, and anytime someone brings up the sampling, he just says, "No comment." I'd make fun of the fact that he keeps pretending like he's doing Bowie and Queen a favor by using the riff of "Under Pressure", and the various other songs they bring up, but I'm more curious about the fact that he doesn't have any handlers. I mean, it's like he's sitting in an elementary school classroom or something, but there's nobody to take the microphone away from him? No managers or anything like that to try to prevent him from saying something unbelievably stupid?

Reporter: What about your claim to have gone to high school with Luther Campbell of 2 Live Crew?

Vanilla Ice: Hey, so I lied a little! I wanted to protect my identity, my family. To hide my past. I wanted the kids to see my best face because I'm a role model now, a super-hero!

(Again, the Batman logo with Ice's head and the words "Iceman" on the wings pops up, once again with background singers going, "Iceman!" to the tune of the Batman TV show theme)

Holokara (v/o): As for being a role model, yes, kids, you too can look this ridiculous if you put your mind to it, but you probably shouldn't. Anyway, he spends lots of money, blah, blah, blah. He does an interview with People Magazine where... he's in bed for some reason? And he claims that he was stabbed five times, but in a different place than he originally stated so as not to stir up any old gang members. And they drew it like this...

(The panel in question has Ice laying on his side in bed with the bed covers over him. Cut back to Holokara briefly, who is lying on his side in imitation of Ice's pose, also with a blanket over him (the computing device is in his hat))

Holokara: What is this, a friggin' shampoo commercial? You're being interviewed! Get up and put on a damn shirt!

Holokara (v/o): During his European tour, he gets another single off of his album "To the Extreme".

(Cut again to 90s Kid)

90s Kid: See? The Ice-Man is EXTREEEEEEEEEME!

Holokara (v/o): There's some feuding between him and MC Hammer, but the Ice Child isn't stopped.

Narrator: In February 1991, he releases a breezy, unspecific autobiography through Avon Books (after a spate of unauthorized tomes).

Holokara: Yeah, just imagine someone releasing an unauthorized biography of Vanilla Ice, am I right?

Narrator: He even takes a page to give advice to girls who might be interested in picking him up.

Vanilla Ice: The best way to get my attention is to dress super sexy and then, when you meet me, play like you don't know who I am!

Holokara: (as Ice) That's right! I'll really know you want me if you act completely disinterested, as if the very thought of me actually makes your skin crawl! (sotto voce) It's secretly code for me to keep laying the moves on ya, even after you've maced me in the eyes.

Holokara (v/o): Another interview, another thing about him stealing music, then his album finally gets bumped off the charts by Mariah Carey.

Narrator: On March 23rd, "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II" is out, featuring Ice's "Ninja Rap" song.

Holokara (v/o): And like before, this comic shows him hanging out with the Turtles as if they aren't costumes and animatronics.

Vanilla Ice: You fellas oughta appear in the movie I'm makin' in April, down in Miami. It's gonna be called "Cool as Ice."

Holokara: (as Ice) It's gonna make, like, 78 times more money than your movie and be remembered as a classic, yo!

Holokara (v/o): And then, a much larger controversy erupts when Ice pulls a gun at a supermarket in L.A.! Holy crap, this might actually get interesting... (stops and stammers briefly) Oh, wait, comic's over. I'm serious, the comic just stops at this point. That's the end! I mean, yeah, this came out in, like, August in 1991, so Cool as Ice hadn't even premiered yet.

Narrator: So, is Vanilla Ice just the flavor of the year? Will he have staying power or will he melt over the critical fire? Tune into the continuing saga and find out if it really is the dawn of a new Ice Age, or if the Iceman has already cometh (and goneth).

Holokara: (Batman narrator voice) Tune in, same Ice-time, same Ice-channel! (closes comic and holds it up) This comic sucks. Even if you were a really big Vanilla Ice fan, the comic seems to talk trash about him a lot, which is kind of weird since the beginning suggested that he was always meant to be some dancing, rapping superstar. On top of that, the artwork is fairly unappealing and undetailed, with a lot of moments that are supposed to be emotional and powerful, but are just drawn completely blank and lifeless. (beat) No ending joke, just that... as the comic said, if the Iceman cometh and the Iceman wenteth. (throws down comic, gets up and leaves)

(End credits roll)

The ice statue featured on the cover would later be mutated by the ooze from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II and go on a rampage before Vanilla Ice challenged it to a dance-off.

Vanilla Ice, I will always be grateful to you for the Ninja Rap.

If you'd like a copy of the Ballad of Linkara from the 200th episode, go to http://www.swenglish.nu and donate any amount you feel is appropriate to Vincent E.L., and he will email you the song!

(Stinger: Holokara walks out into the living room and spots 90s Kid)

Holokara: Hey, 90s Kid!

90s Kid: Duuuude! Hey, Holokara!

Holokara: Yeah, I've been thinking, and you know what? I don't think I appreciate the way you keep interrupting the show and coming on like that. You think you could stop?

90s Kid: Dude, don't freak out. I'm slammin', man! The people watch me all the time. They love me, man. I'm the best reason to watch the show! Everyone just waits for me to say, "What you see is what you g–"

(Before he can finish, however, Holokara, who has grown slowly irritated with him, suddenly reaches his hand out INTO 90S KID'S CHEST by way of holographic technology! 90s Kid gasps and stands silently, his mouth agape)

Holokara: (sharply) They don't watch the show for you, idiot! Stop interrupting, or the next time you try, I won't let go of your heart until it stops beating!

(With that, he sharply withdraws his hand, and 90s Kid stumbles, gasping for breath. Holokara leaves, while 90s Kid stumbles backward)

(end)

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