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Revision as of 23:44, January 22, 2019

Robocop (2014)

Robocop nc

Released
January 15, 2019
Running Time
32:59
Previous Review
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(The Channel Awesome logo and the title sequence plays; cut to static and a distorted up-view of the office; in the corner, green text reading "STNDBY>" is displayed. Tamara adjusts the screen with her hand. "AWAITING INPUT..." appears beneath "STNDBY")

Jim Jarosz (off-screen): Sharp!

(Jim, also dressed as a scientist, appears in front of the machine with a wrench an makes some adjustments on it. The text in the corner now displays "LOADING" and "CORRUPT INPUT...RELOADING")

Jim: Gah! Shut!

(RoboCop (2014) turns off for a moment. Once it's turned on again, we see Tamara observing him. After a moment NC enters the scene)

Nostalgia Critic: Wonderful. Bring in the RoboCop script!

(Machine code now displays "AWAITING INPUT..." as Jim brings in the “RoboCop Script” and feeds it to the machine. After a short loading period, NC and Tamara make new adjustments to the script)

NC: Reduce the R to a PG-13!

Tamara: But, wasn’t it being R what sucked people in?

(The code "RATINGS ADJUSTMENT IN PROGRESS" gets executed. The machine loads a database in the upper left corner, which display the US-ratings. The ratings are displayed with their rating symbol and their meaning. Starting with R, G, NC-17, PG and finally PG-13. Once this rating is found, the code displays "COMPLETED")

NC: Well, yeah. But, being PG-13 allows more people to see it, even though more people won’t wanna see it, ‘cause it’s PG-13. It made more sense when the chart guy said it.

Chart Guy (Rob Walker, off-screen): Forshnizzel.

(NC and Tamara are leaving to the right, as Jim comes in again and uses a drill to configure the visual grid of the machine. The grid gets smaller with every attempt, until only one square is left. The machine the shuts down again. When it's turned on again, NC, Tamara and the Chart Guy are discussing further changes of the script, while Jim is walking in the background)

Chart Guy: I thought we said no new ideas.

(During the conversation the code displays "OVERRIE STORY ARC", "ALERT: UNABLE TO COMPLY, STORY ARC WRITE PROTECTED", "OVERRIE STORY ARC", "ALERT: STORY ARC CORRUPTED, PROCEEDING FROM LAST KNOWN SAVE" and "ALERT: GAPS IN LAST KNOWN SAVE, FILING IN FROM ATTEMPTED OVERWRITE")

Tamara: Well, we have to do something different or we might as well be a Disney remake.

Chart Guy: Different scares people.

Tamara: You scare people.

Chart Guy: So the focus groups tell me.

NC: Alright! We’ll start with new ideas and then never go anywhere with them. That way everybody loses.

Tamara: Are you sure that’s how studios make money?

(DURING their pause the code changes to "ADJUSTING AUDIENCE RELATABILITY & APPEAL", "CURRENT SETTING: ACTION FILLED ROMP" and "NEW SETTING: STUPID RIPOFF FOR CASH MONEY")

Chart Guy: Well, the chart says...

(The robot turns off again. Once the screen is back, the code displays "ADJUSTING SUIT COLOR TO BLACK" and "REASON: BECAUSE DARK KNIGHT")

Jim: Good news! We have (holds a picture of) Samuel L. Jackson.

(Code changes to "CURRENT STAR: JOEL KINNAMAN". Following lines are added during this section: "OVERRIDE IN PROGRESS", "ADDING SAMUEL L. JACKSON TO FILM", "ALERT: AWESOME LEVELS TOO HIGH", "REDUCING TO CAMEO", "SAMUEL L. JACKSON ADDED SUCCESSFULLY AT 'CAMEO' LEVEL" and "CURRENT STAR: JOEL KINNAMAN")

NC: Perfect! He’s gonna be an amazing RoboCop!

Jim: Actually, he’s only in for a few minutes.

NC: Oh. Who do we have to play RoboCop?

Tamara: That boring guy from Suicide Squad.

Jim and NC: Which one?

NC: (sighs) Never mind. Just go ahead with it, it’s not like the main character ever matters.

(Jim feeds the picture to the machine)

NC: (to the machine) You’re gonna be a money-making motherfucker.

(As he says that, the code changes to "CURRENT BUDGET: $102,688,965.20", "ESTIMATED US BOX OFFICE RETURN: $254,407,001.37" and "ESTIMATED WORLD WIDE BOX OFFICE RETURN: $750,482,526". NC then runs into the Chart Guy and they fight while the robot turns off again. When he's turned on again, everyone is celebrating the guaranteed success of their project)

Everyone: YEAH!!

(The code now displays a recipe for "CHICKEN TENDER & FRY SAUCE", which includes "1/2 CUP MAYONNAISE", "1/4 CUP KETCHUP", "1/2 TEASPOON GARLIC POWDER", 1/4 TEASPOON WORCHESTERSHIRE SAUCE", "1 TEASPOON BLACK PEPPER", "BLEND WELL, CHILL FOR 2 HOURS PRIOR TO SERVING")

NC: (cheering) We did it, we finished the RoboCop remake!

Chart Guy: And the chart says this is gonna be our biggest money maker yet!

(Code shows the lines of the estimated box office again)

Tamara: People are totally gonna forget about that first one.

(The code now displays "DELETE ROBOCOP (1987), followed by "ALERT: UNABLE TO COMPLY, CONFLICT WITH PRIME DIRECTIVE #11")

NC: Ah, yeah, but not you! You're gonna be amazing! People're gonna never forget about you-

(One cut later, Jim and the Chart Guy are gone and NC and Tamara are sitting on the couch looking for their next big project. They seem to realize that their last project, the RoboCop 20014 machine, is still standing in their office)

NC: Oh, I forgot about you. (to Tamara) We really should put him in storage.

(We cut to RoboCop, who looks like a black painted copy of the original RoboCop with the movie poster as his face. Whenever he speaks you can hear mechanical sound effects)

RoboCop: Ehm, hey, when are you guys gonna get to making my sequel?

(NC and Tamara look to him in surprise)

NC: Oh, sorry, RoboCop movie, that's not gonna happen.

Tamara: Yeah, we're working on how to make money with another Pixar sequel.

NC: Good Dinosaur 2?

Tamara: I forgot there was a Good Dinosaur one.

NC: (mumbling) Oh, yeah, yeah, sure.

RoboCop: Hey, come on. There's still potential.

NC: Well, critically, you weren't that big a hit, and domestically, you made only a little over half your money back.

RoboCop: But 49% on Rotten Tomatoes. That's almost half. And I did good on a worldwide release. Just like Alien 3 and Warcraft.

(Both NC and Tamara look unconvinced)

NC: Those are the examples you went with.

RoboCop: Oh, come on, just think of the Ghostbusters reboot.

NC: It tanked.

RoboCop: Total Recall reboot.

Tamara: Tanked.

RoboCop: Fantastic Four, Lone Ranger, that Tom Cruise Mummy movie?

NC: This is embarrassing for you.

RoboCop: Oh, God. How did things go so wrong?

NC: (sighs, to the camera) I guess it was kind of inevitable, when you remake something so unique and beloved.

RoboCop: Wait, how are you reviewing me if you also somehow made me?

NC: You want a segue, that makes sense, or a review?

RoboCop: Whatever doesn't crap on me.

NC: They both do.

RoboCop: Oh.

(The title of the movie is played, before we get scenes from the original 1987 movie)

NC (vo): RoboCop was a gigantic 80s hit. It had big action, bloody gore, in-your-face commentary, and somebody losing their job for this effect. (The scene where the villain, Dick Jones, falls to his death is shown) The movie was so beloved that years later Detroit decided to make a RoboCop statue. (shows pictures of the nearly finished statue) Holy shit, I buy that for a dollar. It was crazy, awesome, crazy-awesome...

NC: So, naturally, they had to reboot it.

NC (vo): In 2014, the director of Elite Squad...

(Poster from José Padilha's Elite Squad: The Enemy Within is shown. Cut to NC, who shifts his eyes in both directions and shrugs, clearly showing that he has no knowledge of this movie)

NC (vo): ... gave us a slightly different look at the action icon. It failed to grab audiences and critics and was forgotten fairly quickly. But looking back, was this a valiant effort that only had a glitch? Or was it a valiant effort that only had this glitch?

(Cut to the original movie. The ED-209 is presented to the board members of OCP, but malfunctions and blasts a man, who the machine still treats as a thread, despite being unarmed now, to pieces)

The Old Man: You call this a glitch?!

NC: Well, we're here to take a closer look. Let's try our best to give this movie our cooperation...

RoboCop: I said that thing in the movie. That's kind of cool, right?

Tamara: You need to stop.

RoboCop: But I-

Tamara: No. You need to stop.

RoboCop: I said that thing.

NC: This is RoboCop 2014!

RoboCop: I said that thing.

(NC glares to RoboCop, as the movie starts playing)

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