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Robocop (2014)

Robocop nc

Released
January 15, 2019
Running Time
32:59
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(The Channel Awesome logo and the title sequence plays; cut to static and a distorted up-view of the office; in the corner, green text reading "STNDBY>" is displayed. Tamara adjusts the screen with her hand. "AWAITING INPUT..." appears beneath "STNDBY")

Jim Jarosz (off-screen): Sharp!

(Jim, also dressed as a scientist, appears in front of the machine with a wrench an makes some adjustments on it. The text in the corner now displays "LOADING" and "CORRUPT INPUT...RELOADING")

Jim: Gah! Shut!

(The display turns off for a moment. Once it's turned on again, we see Tamara observing him. After a moment, NC enters the scene)

Nostalgia Critic: Wonderful. Bring in the RoboCop script!

(Machine code now displays "AWAITING INPUT..." as Jim brings in the “RoboCop Script” and feeds it to the machine. After a short loading period, NC and Tamara make new adjustments to the script)

NC: Reduce the R to a PG-13!

Tamara: But wasn’t it being R what sucked people in?

(The code "RATINGS ADJUSTMENT IN PROGRESS" gets executed. The machine loads a database in the upper left corner, which display the US-ratings. The ratings are displayed with their rating symbol and their meaning. Starting with R, G, NC-17, PG and finally PG-13. Once this rating is found, the code displays "COMPLETED")

NC: Well, yeah. But, being PG-13 allows more people to see it, even though more people won’t wanna see it, 'cause it's PG-13. It made more sense when the chart guy said it.

Chart Guy (Rob Walker, off-screen): Forshnizzel.

(NC and Tamara are leaving to the right, as Jim comes in again and uses a drill to configure the visual grid of the machine. The grid gets smaller with every attempt, until only one square is left. The machine the shuts down again. When it's turned on again, NC, Tamara and the Chart Guy are discussing further changes of the script, while Jim is walking in the background)

Chart Guy: I thought we said no new ideas.

(During the conversation, the code displays "OVERRIE STORY ARC", "ALERT: UNABLE TO COMPLY, STORY ARC WRITE PROTECTED", "OVERRIE STORY ARC", "ALERT: STORY ARC CORRUPTED, PROCEEDING FROM LAST KNOWN SAVE" and "ALERT: GAPS IN LAST KNOWN SAVE, FILING IN FROM ATTEMPTED OVERWRITE")

Tamara: Well, we have to do something different or we might as well be a Disney remake.

Chart Guy: Different scares people.

Tamara: You scare people.

Chart Guy: So the focus groups tell me.

NC: All right! We’ll start with new ideas and then never go anywhere with them. That way, everybody loses.

Tamara: Are you sure that’s how studios make money?

(During their pause, the code changes to "ADJUSTING AUDIENCE RELATABILITY & APPEAL", "CURRENT SETTING: ACTION FILLED ROMP" and "NEW SETTING: STUPID RIPOFF FOR CASH MONEY")

Chart Guy: Well, the chart says...

(The display turns off again. Once the screen is back, the code displays "ADJUSTING SUIT COLOR TO BLACK" and "REASON: BECAUSE DARK KNIGHT")

Jim: Good news! We have (holds a picture of...) Samuel L. Jackson.

(Code changes to "CURRENT STAR: JOEL KINNAMAN". Following lines are added during this section: "OVERRIDE IN PROGRESS", "ADDING SAMUEL L. JACKSON TO FILM", "ALERT: AWESOME LEVELS TOO HIGH", "REDUCING TO CAMEO", "SAMUEL L. JACKSON ADDED SUCCESSFULLY AT 'CAMEO' LEVEL" and "CURRENT STAR: JOEL KINNAMAN")

NC: Perfect! He’s gonna be an amazing RoboCop!

Jim: Actually, he’s only in for a few minutes.

NC: Oh. Who do we have to play RoboCop?

Tamara: That boring guy from Suicide Squad.

Jim and NC: Which one?

NC: (sighs) Never mind. Just go ahead with it, it’s not like the main character ever matters.

(Jim feeds the picture to the machine)

NC: (to the machine) You’re gonna be a money-making motherfucker.

(As he says that, the code changes to "CURRENT BUDGET: $102,688,965.20", "ESTIMATED US BOX OFFICE RETURN: $254,407,001.37" and "ESTIMATED WORLD WIDE BOX OFFICE RETURN: $750,482,526". NC then runs into the Chart Guy and they fight while the robot turns off again. When he's turned on again, everyone is celebrating the guaranteed success of their project)

Everyone: YEAH!!

(The code now displays a recipe for "CHICKEN TENDER & FRY SAUCE", which includes "1/2 CUP MAYONNAISE", "1/4 CUP KETCHUP", "1/2 TEASPOON GARLIC POWDER", 1/4 TEASPOON WORCHESTERSHIRE SAUCE", "1 TEASPOON BLACK PEPPER", "BLEND WELL, CHILL FOR 2 HOURS PRIOR TO SERVING")

NC: (cheering) We did it, we finished the RoboCop remake!

Chart Guy: And the chart says this is gonna be our biggest money maker yet!

(Code shows the lines of the estimated box office again)

Tamara: People are totally gonna forget about that first one.

(The code now displays "DELETE ROBOCOP (1987), followed by "ALERT: UNABLE TO COMPLY, CONFLICT WITH PRIME DIRECTIVE #11")

NC: Ah, yeah, but not you! You're gonna be amazing! People are gonna never forget about you-

(One cut later, Jim and the Chart Guy are gone and NC and Tamara are sitting on the couch looking for their next big project. They seem to realize that their last project, the machine, is still standing in their office)

NC: Oh, I forgot about you. (to Tamara) We really should put him in storage.

(We cut to RoboCop, who looks like a black painted copy of the original RoboCop with the movie poster as his face. Whenever he speaks you can hear mechanical sound effects)

RoboCop: Um, hey, when are you guys gonna get to making my sequel?

(NC and Tamara look to him in surprise)

NC: Oh, sorry, RoboCop movie, that's not gonna happen.

Tamara: Yeah, we're working on how to make money with another Pixar sequel.

NC: Good Dinosaur 2?

Tamara: I forgot there was a Good Dinosaur 1.

NC: (mumbling) Oh, yeah, yeah, sure.

RoboCop: Hey, come on. There's still potential.

NC: Well, critically, you weren't that big a hit, and domestically, you made only a little over half your money back.

RoboCop: But 49% on Rotten Tomatoes. That's almost half. And I did good on a worldwide release. Just like Alien 3 and Warcraft.

(Both NC and Tamara look unconvinced)

NC: Those are the examples you went with.

RoboCop: Oh, come on, just think of the Ghostbusters reboot.

NC: It tanked.

RoboCop: Total Recall reboot.

Tamara: Tanked.

RoboCop: Fantastic Four, Lone Ranger, that Tom Cruise Mummy movie?

NC: This is embarrassing for you.

RoboCop: Oh, God. How did things go so wrong?

NC: (sighs, to the camera) I guess it was kind of inevitable, when you remake something so unique and beloved.

RoboCop: Wait, how are you reviewing me if you also somehow made me?

NC: You want a segue that makes sense or a review?

RoboCop: Whatever doesn't crap on me.

NC: They both do.

RoboCop: Oh.

(The title of the movie is played, before we get scenes from the original 1987 movie)

NC (vo): RoboCop was a gigantic 80s hit. It had big action, bloody gore, in-your-face commentary, and somebody losing their job for this effect. (The scene where the villain, Dick Jones, falls to his death is shown) The movie was so beloved that years later, Detroit decided to make a RoboCop statue. (shows pictures of the nearly finished statue) Holy shit, I'd buy that for a dollar! It was crazy, awesome, crazy-awesome...

NC: So, naturally, they had to reboot it.

NC (vo): In 2014, the director of Elite Squad...

(Poster of José Padilha's Elite Squad: The Enemy Within is shown. Cut to NC, who shifts his eyes in both directions and shrugs, clearly showing that he has no knowledge of this movie)

NC (vo): ...gave us a slightly different look at the action icon. It failed to grab audiences and critics and was forgotten fairly quickly. But looking back, was this a valiant effort that only had a glitch? Or was it a valiant effort that only had this glitch?

(Cut to the original movie. The ED-209 is presented to the board members of OCP, but malfunctions and blasts a man, Mr. Kinney, who the machine still treats as a threat, despite being unarmed now, to pieces)

The Old Man: You call this a glitch?!

NC: Well, we're here to take a closer look. Let's try our best to give this movie our cooperation...

RoboCop: I said that thing in the movie. That's kind of cool, right?

Tamara: You need to stop.

RoboCop: But I-

Tamara: No. You need to stop.

RoboCop: I said that thing.

NC: This is RoboCop 2014!

RoboCop: I said that thing.

(NC glares to RoboCop, as the movie starts playing)

NC (vo): So let's see how this dark and gritty reboot gets things going.

(The movie starts with the classic Metro Goldwyn Mayer logo, but the lion's roar is replaced with the sounds of a cooing pigeon done by Samuel L. Jackson. NC already looks deeply disappointed)

NC: What the fuck was that?

(The logo plays again, but this time NC acts as an announcer for a fictional RoboCop spin-off, with a caption for what he announces being shown below. Note: This will occur throughout the review)

NC (vo; as an announcer): RoboCoo: This time, he's a pigeon.

(The title, the movie description, and a picture of a pigeon with RoboCop's head are edited in. We then cut to the movie, where Pat Novak, played by Jackson, is making these sounds to prepare himself for his next show)

NC (vo): It turns out this is Samuel L. Jackson doing vocal warm-ups.

Crew Member: And we're on in four...

NC: Let's be honest, if you want a more fitting Jackson quote to start this movie off, you'd be like...

(MGM logo plays again, but this time the roar is replaced with a quote from Soul Men and Coming to America)

Samuel L. Jackson: You ought to be ashamed of your goddamn self. Fuck you.

(The show "The Novak Element" begins airing)

NC (vo): He plays a commentator named Pat Novak. Which sounds like a Fox News anchor who got fired for groping too much or not enough.

Pat Novak: What if I told you that even the worst neighborhood in America could be made completely safe?

NC (vo): He's behind a big movement to replace cops and soldiers with machines, as demonstrated with this live takedown in Iran.

General Curtis Monroe: (talking about the ED-209) They're the big boys, they secure the perimeter.

Novak: It is great to see American machines helping to promote peace and freedom.

NC: (as Novak) We could find out what's in your esophagus.

(Someone sees some suicide bombers preparing for an attack)

NC (vo): But it looks like suicide bombers are ready to take them out.

NC: (shakes his head) Starting off light, I see.

(One of the men says something in his native language, which translates to "The goal is to die on television". The subtitle "Like an Oscar host." is edited below the translation. After that, the attack starts with a car explosion caused by a rocket launcher)

NC (vo): The bombers attack, and...

(The robots shoot the attackers dead, as one suicide bomber throws one of the robots to the ground and blows himself up)

NC (vo): Yeah...

NC: I'm positive the best way to start this movie off was with...

(The MGM opening is played again)

RoboCop: But the original RoboCop was dark and bloody.

NC: Yeah, but that was...

(Clarence Boddicker and a thug from the original movie are shown)

NC (vo): ...over-the-top criminals and comic book thugs.

NC: This is...

(Back to the reboot, a suicide bomber jumps on top of a ED-209 and detonates himself)

NC (vo): ...frigging suicide bombers in the Middle East!

NC: I mean, I guess, if it ties into the rest of the story, it makes sense, but we never come back to it. This is the only scene in Iran.

(The scene ends with a young civilian being mistaken for a thread, because he carries a knife, and gets gunned down by the ED-209 in front of the camera)

NC (vo): So what's the point in showing this disturbing overseas warfare? It's just uncomfortable.

NC: Imagine if you were watching the cartoon, and they were suddenly like...

(We get a scene from the 1988 cartoon series)

Cartoon RoboCop: I should work alone. I do not wish to see Lewis hurt because of me.

Anne Lewis: So you do have feelings for me.

NC (vo; as Cartoon RoboCop): It gave me flashbacks to the religious Jihadists I had to kill, because they claimed countless American lives. If only political strategists could figure out how to wash the blood from my soul. (beat) Buy my toys.

(NC looks displeased to RoboCop)

RoboCop: I would watch that and buy his toys.

(After the murder of the civilian, Novak tries to downplay the event)

Novak: Kelly?

Kelly (Maura Grierson): We're okay, Pat.

Novak: For security reasons, the Pentagon's going to cut our feed.

Kelly: I continue to stand by.

NC (vo; as Novak): Yeah, she did.

Novak: On the one hand, we have Raymond Sellars...

NC (vo): Wow!

NC: That's amazing!

(The scene continues with an arrow pointing upwards and a 20% on it edited in)

NC (vo): The film's coolness levels went up by 20%, just by simply putting Michael Keaton and Samuel L. Jackson on the same screen.

NC: But what do you expect when they come from this kit?

(A kit with the name "Instant Cool" and the tagline "Just add one of these actors" is edited in. The options on the box are, from the upper left to the bottom right, Vin Diesel, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, Bruce Campbell and Kurt Russel. Back to the movie, our protagonist Alex Murphy is introduced during a meeting with his fellow officers)

NC (vo): So we cut to our main character Murphy, played by Joel Kinnaman.

NC: (getting closer to the camera and moves his entire body) At least I think its him. It's hard to tell...

NC (vo): ... with the camera shaking so much.

(This and later scenes have noticeable shaking camera)

Murphy: It's nothing personal. You've gotta be dumb or dirty.

Jack Lewis (Michael K. Williams): (leaving the office with the others) Maybe if you hadn't gone of the reservation, your partner would still be standing.

NC (vo; as the announcer): RoboCam: This time, it's without a tripod. (normal) And I can't really tell. Has he become the emotionless robot yet?

Murphy: Me and Jack, we've been doing some street buys. / We got some problems back home in the Chicago PD. / I'm gonna go hard after Lake and Daniels. / It's my fault. We shouldn't even have been there.

RoboCop: Douche. It's not like the original Murphy was Robert de frigging Niro.

NC: (has to admit it) There's some truth to that.

(Cut to the original movie)

NC (vo): The idea behind Murphy in the first one is, we saw him mostly as the machine and we find out more about his connection to his family as it moved on. It created a little bit of a mystery to his humanity, revealing how soft and sentimental he really was.

RoboCop: Yes. In my version, you see him with the family early on.

NC: And you suck at it.

RoboCop: Only from every conceivable angle.

(We see the scenes of Murphy interacting with his family)

NC (vo): In this version, the scenes with him and his family are boring as sin. There's no playfulness, no energy, no joking around. He's just the same overly serious stick in the mud as in all the other scenes. This was a chance to really add to his personal life, really explore his humanity. But you just keep him stiff and bland.

Murphy: Hey, guys.

David (John Paul Ruttan): (watching ice hockey on a mobile device) Hi, Dad.

Clara (Abbie Cornish): Hey.

(Murphy slowly takes his seat on the table, as Clara is watching him. We cut to a scene of a cameraman having problems staying awake and doing his job, since the scene he has to record is so boring)

RoboCop: Just because he is like an extra in those street movies Mark Wahlberg does in his spare time, doesn't mean he's not deep.

NC: Couldn't you have him smile at least once or, at least, tell a joke?

RoboCop: Okay, how is this for a joke? Why did the chicken cross the road?

NC: I don't know.

RoboCop: To get to the pretentious asshole's house.

(NC looks confused and personally attacked by that)

RoboCop: Knock, knock.

NC: Who's there?

RoboCop: The chicken.

(Tamara laughs out loud, but once NC glares at her, she stops)

Tamara: I'm sorry. I just wanted to remind people I was still here.

(Back to the movie, Raymond Sellars gives an interview to the reporters)

NC (vo): So Keaton plays the head of OmniCorp...

NC: (both fingers crossed) Please no accent, please no accent, please no accent...

(Sellars now sits in a business meeting)

Sellars: (no noticeable accent) Maybe give Americans a product they can love.

NC: (relieved) Oh, thank Christ.

NC (vo): ...as his analyst tries to work out a way to win the government and the public over to expand their machines. Though, with Jay Baruchel in the role, it sounds like they're trying to figure out how to save DreamWorks Animation.

Tom Pipe (Jay Baruchel): My team have come up with a pretty aggressive new campaign.

NC (vo; as Sellars): It's not another How to Train Your Dragon, is it? (as Pipe, while for a split second, the movie poster for How to Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World is shown) How to- Of course not.

Sellars: They want a product with a conscience.

NC: (waves his hand in front of himself) I'm sorry, I can't hear a thing over your paintings.

NC (vo): How am I supposed to not focus on that?

(The paintings are blocked by censor bars withe the question "Censored?" written on them)

NC (vo): Can I even show those on YouTube?

Sellars: We're gonna put a man inside a machine.

(Cut to Omnicorp's Foundation Rehab Ward, where someone with prosthetic legs is running down the hallway)

NC (vo): They decide to add a human touch...boy, are you in the wrong film for that...as they go to a doctor who specializes in robotic limbs for amputees.

(Sellars enters the session room of Dr. Dennett Norton, played by Gary Oldman, who is attending to a guitarist with prosthetic arms)

NC (vo; as Sellars): Commissioner Gordon? (as Norton) Batman? (normal) Keaton fills him in on the plan, and all they're looking for now is the perfect subject to give up all human emotion- (Cut to Murphy) Hellooooo?

(Murphy's car has activated his alarm, and Murphy gets closer to make it stop. Once he stands next to it, the review cuts to the exploding car scene from The Godfather)

Michael Corleone (Al Pacino): No! No, Apolloni--!

(Murphy's car explodes. Murphy gets caught in the blast, and Michael falls back into his garden)

NC: (unimpressed) Wow. That would've been really surprising and effective if we...

(An earlier scene is shown, where the bomb gets placed under Murphy's car by the crime boss Antoine Vallon)

NC (vo): ...didn't see them plant the bomb there earlier. Takes away a little bit from the shock, doesn't it? (Cut to The Sixth Sense) Why didn't you start off the The Sixth Sense with Haley Joel Osment saying... (as Coel Sear) Hi, deadhead. (as Malcolm Crowe, with big cartoony eyes) What the fu--?!

(We are shown Dr. Norton describing Murphy's near-fatal incident on a screen, before showing him meeting Murphy, who is now fitted in his RoboCop body)

NC (vo): As you can see, Murphy's lost two limbs, has burns all over his body, but somehow, his face actually looks better than before the accident. Damn! I wish my car would blow up so I could clear out my pores.

(Murphy looks at his hands)

Murphy: What kind of suit is this?

Norton: It's you.

NC (vo): They put him in his Robo-body, but he doesn't react well to it.

(Murphy starts panicking as Norton tries to reassure him)

Murphy: I need to get out of this thing. (Snaps) What did you do to me?! (Grabs Norton by the neck) WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME?!

NC (vo): Clearly, we've picked the right test subject! To be fair, who'd have thought he'd have a personality to wake?

(Murphy, with his RoboCop mask on, runs out of the room)

Norton: No! Let him run! Let him run!

NC: (stunned and confused) What scientific theory backs that dumb move?!

Norton: Let him run! Let him run!

NC (vo; as Norton): Let him roam through our highly-expensive equipment in an unstoppable killer suit immediately after choking me. I'm sure the little scamp will tucker himself out.

(Murphy walks through a room filled with Japanese workers)

NC: Ah, this is where they make those Japanese RoboCop commercials.

(A brief clip of a Japanese RoboCop commercial is shown)

RoboCop: Oh. Look at him fry the chicken.

(Back to the scene, where RoboCop starts running through the room, as Norton watches from his computer)

NC: Fear not, though. The good doctor has a foolproof way to prevent this from going any further.

Norton: Please stop. Stay where you are, and...and we'll come and pick you up.

NC: (as Norton) Alex, don't make me say "please".

NC (vo; as Norton): Do I have to count to 22,482?

(Murphy runs outside and starts running through the grassy fields)

NC (vo): Oh, if only there's a way to shut him down...

Norton: Shut him down.

NC: What the mountain of dicks?!

(A scientist presses the shut down button, causing Murphy to fall to the ground, unconscious)

NC (vo; as the announcer): RoboCrop: This time, it's really hard to make a joke about this one.

(Murphy is taken to a room, strapped to a moving bed)

NC (vo; as a female singer): SilverHawks...

(Norton reveals what's left of Murphy's real body by removing his armor and showing nothing but his head, one hand, and his lungs)

NC (vo): To the movie's credit, we do get the only nightmarish moment I could see being in the original, when they show how much of his human body is actually left.

Murphy: (crying) Holy Christ! There's nothing left!

Norton: Your body may have gone...but you're still here.

NC: (as Norton) You're still the same boring dumbass you always were.

Norton: You're in control.

Murphy: Then I wanna die.

Norton: But what do I say to your wife? What does she say to your son?

Murphy: I died.

NC: I guess Murphy's kind of a dick in this version.

(A clip of the original RoboCop is shown, before resuming showing the current scene)

NC (vo): I mean, God. So much of the original was him trying to remember and reconnect with his family. But here... (as Murphy) Just tell them I died. No more parent-teacher conferences. Am I right? (Normal) I guess the idea is his family meant so much, he couldn't stand the idea of them seeing him like that, but, A: Because it was so lifeless, we never really got an idea of what his family life was like. B: If you all love each other, you should be happy to see one another no matter what the circumstance. And C: The circumstance is kind of friggin' awesome. You have a bulletproof body, your kid will always have a giant action figure to play with, and if they did their job right, so will your wife.

NC: There seems like more pros than cons.

(Murphy calls Clara via laptop, with Murphy not revealing his robotic body to her; Clara looks extremely relieved to see Murphy)

Clara: It's so good to finally see you.

NC (vo; as the announcer): RoboCall: This time, there's a family plan.

Clara: We're gonna get through this, baby. We're gonna make it like it was.

NC: You know...can you really take this scene that seriously with that kid's picture there?

(A close-up is shown on the frame of David, who is smiling and has his hand on his cheek, next to Murphy's laptop)

NC (vo): Of all the ones to pick in a dramatic moment, that's the one you went with? He's looking at him, like... (Imitates a little boy) RoboCop, you cray-cray?

NC: He looks like he should have...

(The frame of David is shown with an added caption that says "Really? Fortnite isn't annoying yet?")

NC (vo): ...meme texted under him.

(Norton is shown watching Murphy as he sleeps)

Norton: Release antidepressants. Let's give him a nice dream.

NC: (as Norton) Hook him up with that T-X crumpet from Terminator 3.

(Murphy/RoboCop is put through a simulator training exercise, while the song "If I Only Had a Heart" from The Wizard of Oz plays in the background)

NC (vo): They test him in a simulation to see how he handles a crime scene compared to a robot. And I do give credit I feel like the original director, Verhoeven, would've played the Tin-Man song here, too. But I think we all know he used this line differently.

Rick Mattox (Jackie Earle Haley): 5.6 seconds behind. Scenario failure. (to Norton) I wouldn't buy that for a dollar.

NC: (annoyed) Oh, piss off!

NC (vo): Hey, you want a side-by-side comparison? Let's try that scene. Which one would you rather see the rest of?

(Cut to the original, where Emil Antonowsky watches a popular show during a raid)

Bixby Snyder: Can I have you both?

(Snyder and Antonowsky are laughing)

Women: Sure!

Snyder: I'd buy that for a dollar.

(Back to the reboot)

Mattox: I wouldn't buy that for a dollar.

NC: Coincidentally, neither would Best Buy.

(Cut to a sales box, where a copy of this movie is offered for $1. Murphy is doing research on a computer about the media coverage to his attempted murder)

NC (vo): Murphy decides to search the internet, so he uses Bing...

NC: (chuckles) I take it back, this movie has a better sense of humor than I thought.

NC (vo): ... To find out more about the people who did this to him.

Lawyer: Detective Murphy was simply overzealous, okay? We've absolutely no evidence linking Vallon to the attempt on his life.

NC: You know, why are they letting him search for stuff that could upset him? You see what...

NC (vo): ... the mere act of waking him did. How is this gonna balance out?

NC: It's about as consistent as the sunlight in that back window. (Points to the window behind him) That sun is not a cooperative actor.

(The test results are presented to Sellars)

NC (vo): Keaton sees RoboCop's delays in a side-by-side comparison, and says exactly what the makers of (shows the cover of) Fallout 76 said while in development.

Sellars: When I've got a release date, we've gotta make it, okay? So, I don't care how you do it. I'm asking, come on, can you help me? Get it fixed! I don't care how you do it, just go do it!

NC: A moment of silence for those who pre-ordered that.

(The cover of the game is shown on the upper right side, as a clip of a boy is shown on the left side)

Boy: Suckers.

(Norton does some adjustments to RoboCop's brain)

NC (vo): So they make some literal mental notes.

Norton: Okay. I'm gonna put you to sleep now.

Murphy: Okay.

NC: (as Murphy) Eh, yeah, I was gonna ask why you didn't do that before. Ow*.

  • Brains don't have pain receptors and everything around his brain that had these receptors was removed when Murphy was turned into RoboCop. So it's unlikely that he felt any pain during the procedure

Norton: I'm gonna fix him. And he won't know the difference.

NC (vo): (as Norton is operating his brain) Rated PG-13. And so is Alien vs. Predator, The Dark Knight, (Indiana Jones:) The Last Crusade, Drag Me to Hell...

NC: (throws his hands up) Ratings are a joke.

(Pipe shows Sellars some of RoboCop's combat data)

Pipe: It really put the fear of God into the prisoners.

Sellars: Let's go with black.

NC (vo; as Pipe): It's 'cause you're Batman, isn't it? (as Sellars) Yes, I'm Batman.

(RoboCop exits a car in front of a warehouse for another combat performance test. And just like Sellars wanted it, his armor is now completely black)

NC (vo): So they paint him black, which is a shame, (A scene of his silver-like design from earlier is shown, then a picture of Eggman from Darkwing Duck is put next to RoboCop) because aside from the visor that looks like a Darkwing Duck henchman, the suit actually looked pretty good. But now it just looks like Christopher Nolan directing The Tick. (A picture of the Tick from the 2001 live-action show appears) It's just bland and forgettable.

(The test begins, as RoboCop has to eliminate all hostile robots and to disarm his target)

NC (vo): They finally put him to the test against both robots and people trying to take him down. My God, is that the thing the other RoboCop movies call action?

(The test goes on with Murphy taking out every robot he comes across)

NC (vo): But even this seems a little off, though, when you hear the musical choice.

(Sellars, Norton and Liz Kline (Jennifer Ehle) are observing the test, as "Hocus Pocus" by Focus is playing in the background)

Sellars: Wow.

NC: (shakes his head in confusion) What kind of selection is that?

NC (vo; as the announcer): YodelCop: this time, it's... (The yodeling sound from a Goofy cartoon The Art of Skiing is heard, as a Bavarian man is shown in the title)

NC (vo): In the middle of this simulation, they drop an interesting concept.

Norton: The system releases signals into Alex's brain, making him think he's doing what our computers are actually doing. I mean, Alex believes right now he is in control, but he's not. It's the illusion of free will.

NC: Like you think if you don't go see this film, they're gonna start making original movies again, but...

(NC starts laughing, as promotional pictures from recent reboots and remakes are shown. Those movies are, in order of their appearance on screen, It, Rise of the Planet of the Apes, Fant4stic, Ghostbusters (2016), Power Rangers, Star Trek Beyond, Michael Bay's TMNT, and X-Men: Apocalypse. With every movie presented, NC's laughter gets more intense and desperate. Back to the movie, Murphy manages to disarm Mattox and passes the test)

NC (vo): He passes the test with flying colors...that is, if this movie had any other colors apart from brown...and he finally decides he's ready to see his family.

(Clara and David have prepared a "Welcome Home, Dad" banner in their living room. Clara opens the door to Murphy)

NC (vo; as Murphy): Have you heard the robo news? OmniCorps saves... (chuckles) I was gonna ask if you were Sarah Connor, but I thought this one was funnier. Seriously, I missed you.

(Murphy is standing in front of his son, who looks pretty disinterested at him)

Murphy: You know, I missed you, buddy.

David: Me, too.

(The entire scene is lacking emotional depth)

NC: (deadpan) Please, stop, the rush of emotion is overwhelming.

David: I saved all the Redwing's games on my computer.

Murphy: (starts smiling) You did?

NC: (falls back in shock) AHHH, what the hell is tha- (calmed down) Oh, it's a smile. Don't fly off the handle like that, buddy. Keep it together.

(The next day, Murphy meets his former partner, Lewis)

Lewis: I heard you went home already. Sorry, Alex.

NC: Oh, yeah, I forgot he had a partner. Remember what a big role...

(Shows a scene from the original, where Anne Lewis helps Alex with his new situation and his aiming)

NC (vo): ...the partner played in the first one? One of the big connections back to his personality, his soul, his work, his humanity? (back to the reboot) Now here, it's just a couple of lines, like...

Lewis: At least I know you have the right color now.

NC: You look like the Mega Man version of Get Out.

(RoboCop is now ready to be presented in front of the public eye in front of the police headquarters. The event is visited by interested people, protesters and news reporters. Inside the facility, Norton plans to upload the DPD database into RoboCop's memory)

NC (vo): So the big premiere day arrives, and only now do they decide to do this procedure that could screw everything up.

NC: I think it's gonna screw everything up.

Norton: We're gonna upload the entire DPD database into your brain.

(As the procedure goes on, Murphy's conscience starts breaking down when he sees the footage of his attempted murder)

Mattox: What is this?

Jae Kim (Aimee Garcia): That's his own crime scene.

Norton: (in front of Alex) Alex? Alex, can you hear me?

Kim: The system is crashing down.

NC: (sarcastic) Weird. He's going to pieces while watching himself literally go to pieces? I'm so glad we showed him this before he went public.

NC (vo): His mind is out of control, so they decide to take out his emotions to pretty much make him like the original RoboCop.

Alex: I feel fine, Dr. Norton.

(Alex is n his way to the podium for his public appearance, and passes by his family and Lewis)

David: Hi, Dad. Dad?

(Being without emotion, he checks their threat levels, concludes that they're no threat, and goes by without noticing them further. He does this scan with everyone he comes across)

NC (vo): So, yeah, all those cool scenarios that could have been played out, figuring out who's making the choices, man or machine? Recycle Bin that shit, it's just the machine now!

NC: Christ, why didn't you just start off with that like in the original if you're not gonna do anything with this concept?

NC (vo): His emotional journey wasn't that interesting because, you know, you need emotion. And now, there is no question whether or not it's the man or the machine making the choices, we just know it's the machine, except for the obvious stuff we know is coming, where the human part is gonna take control again.

NC: How much more interesting would it be if like in this scene...

(Shows the scene from the original where two thugs are threatening a woman, and RoboCop shoots the one holding her as a shield in his crotch)

NC (vo): ... from the original. You had to question was that the coldness of the machine or the coldness of the human. You don't really know, it's kind of up for you to decide.

NC: But the first film didn't introduce that option, this one did, and they're not doing anything with it.

NC (vo): Damn, this could have been an interesting story about choice. A Detroit: Becoming RoboCop, if you will. But it's all thrown out for a simplified version of the original, where he just talks like a robot and captures criminals.

(Murphy has found a criminal suspect, charged with murder, inside the crowd and takes him out)

Murphy: Thomas King, you're under arrest.

NC (vo): In fact, he even captures a rapist* at the premiere, because he recognized him from the police files.

  • Like stated above, he was wanted for murder, not rape

(We cut to the recent airing of Pat Novak's show)

Novak: Here he is, just steps away from two of Detroit's finest.

NC: You know, that's another thing. The commentary in this sucks, too.

(Television adverts or news reports from the original start playing)

NC (vo): In the other film, the environment is insane and rotten and greedy and we see it through all these news casters. It's like a cinematic version of (The referenced comic strip is shown) the media from Dark Knight Returns. But here, it’s just one guy. One guy. That's not world building, that's just... one guy.

NC: That's like saying we know what the world is like by only listening to...

(Scene from the movie is covered by a picture of Bill Maher)

NC (vo): ...Bill Maher. Oh, I didn't know the world didn't give a shit about Stan Lee. Good thing we have this totally balanced source to go off of.

RoboCop: (as NC looks completely annoyed) Don't you see? It's a satire of extreme points of view. Like CNN, MSNBC or the Disney Channel.

NC: Then why don't you have more than one point of view?

NC (vo): How much more interesting would this film be if it incorporated new development, like social media, message boards, phone apps? In the over 27 years since the last one came out, you could have taken this in so many different directions. But, somehow, you actually do less than what the original film did.

RoboCop: Well, what would they say? "Hey, why did that criminal on the run show up to an event filled with cops"?

NC: That's a good question. Why did he show up to an event filled with cops?

(NC, frustrated by that, looks to Robocop, demanding an answer. But RoboCop can't provide one, as the camera cuts between him and NC)

RoboCop: (points behind NC) Look, a thing I'm pointing at.

NC: Where?

(He actually falls for and looks to Tamara)

NC: (frustrated) Damn it!

Tamara: It's okay. He's not smart enough to realize he should have ran away.

(NC looks back to RoboCop, who hasn't moved an inch)

RoboCop: Oh.

(As the camera holds on the depressed RoboCop, we cut to a commercial break. After coming back, we're shown Murphy on his bike)

NC (vo): So just a mere hour and 10 minutes in, RoboCop finally takes to the streets to fight some criminals.

(The intense shootout begins)

NC: ...You know, I gotta hand it to you, movie. The crime-fighting scenes actually aren't that bad.

NC (vo): It's shot nice, it looks cool, and it's cleverly done.

RoboCop: Thank you. I know it must have been hard for you to like something.

NC: I especially like that bike he's riding.

NC (vo): Did Omnicorp give him that?

RoboCop (vo): Actually, that's his penis.

NC (vo): Oh.

RoboCop (vo): It's, as the saying goes, once you go black, you will probably be injured because there's giant wheels on you.

NC: I was unaware of that version. Thank you.

RoboCop: N.P.

(Murphy returns to Detroit, where he's confronted by Clara)

NC (vo): Murphy's wife tries to talk with him, but robotic side takes control. I think. Again, it's hard to tell sometimes.

Murphy: Clara, please stand aside.

Clara: You need to speak to your son.

Murphy: Right now, I see three crimes in progress.

NC: (as Murphy, monotone) Lazy writing, dull directing and stilted acting. I'll admit, that last one was me.

(After Clara says David has nightmares, Murphy overcomes his programming, gaining back the access to the previously sealed files, and rides to his house to investigate his attempted murder)

NC (vo): But he decides to go to his old home to figure out if he can solve the mystery of the bomb. (The screenshot of a news site page saying that the film was "full-fledged domestic box office bomb" appears) Oh, hell, I already solved that.

NC: (as Murphy, monotone) Lazy writing, dull directing and stilted acting.

(Murphy walks to the exact place of the car explosion and scans it)

NC (vo; as the announcer): EmoCop: this time... (speaks in a whiny tone) ...you just...don't...get it!

(The footage of Murphy being injured in a car explosion is shown on his vision)

NC: (as Murphy, monotone) Man. I even blow up boring.

(The process of Murphy investigating is shown inside the OmniCorp's office)

Norton: He's undoing what we did to him.

Kim: How is that even possible?

Norton: I haven't the faintest idea.

NC: The script doesn't try to go into it, so we'll just say...love.

NC (vo): His mission is now clear, as he sets out for revenge.

(Murphy pursues Vallon's gang on the bike to exact revenge. NC imitates the famous John Williams score "Duel of the Fates" from Star Wars: The Phantom Menace throughout this. Cut to Murphy killing Vallon and his men, his vision now in red colors)

NC: (imitating holding a "gun" remote control) Oh, I hope I can beat my high score!

NC (vo): Yeah. At this point, all you can think about is how awesome this would be if it was a game.

NC: (thinks) Actually...yeah, it would be.

(Murphy returns to the police station and joins with Lewis to confront the two corrupt cops who betrayed him to Vallon, shooting one and tazing the other)

NC (vo): No, I'm serious! If this was an updated RoboCop game in 2014, and it was about choice as well as action, no joke, this would probably be a much better product. Imagine this scene where he finds out his own unit caused the car bomb. As a movie, it's nothing. But how much more shocking would it be if it happened to you in a game? You figured it out for yourself and you have a choice what to do about it.

(Murphy enters the office of the Chief of Police, Karen Dean, played by Marianne Jean-Baptiste, and prepares to arrest her)

Murphy: You tipped him off today.

Karen Dean: Come on, man. Don't do this.

Murphy: You tried to kill me twice.

(Murphy holds the frightened Dean at gunpoint, as the caption is edited on his vision: "Shoot her or make her act in Peter Rabbit")

Murphy: Confess. Now, in front of everyone.

(Suddenly, Murphy is remotely shut down by Mattox)

NC (vo): But it's not a game. It's just a dumb movie. So they shut him down and make Keaton the easy bad guy. Whoa. Didn't see that coming.

(Cut to Sellars and his team in his mansion)

Sellars: What's bigger than a hero?

NC: I don't know. I don't have a sandwich chart in front of me.

Mattox: Dead hero.

NC: Eh, the audience response to this disagrees. (points to the Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice poster)

(Norton is called to Sellars, who previously ordered Mattox to destroy RoboCop while he's being repaired)

NC (vo): So Keaton asks the good doctor to kill the fallen RoboCop.

Norton: I want full funding. Ten years. New staff, all my own people.

Sellars: Deal.

NC: Oh, yeah. They're really gonna make Oldman the bad guy. Hey, on top of that, ("stage whispers" as the picture of Jiminy Cricket is shown) I hear this guy has it in for Pinocchio!

(Norton turns Murphy's severely damaged suit on and reveals him the truth. Murphy narrowly escapes from the building, just as it undergoes lockdown. In the meantime, Clara angrily goes to Sellars and demands to see her husband)

NC (vo): What a shock, Oldman frees Murphy, but Keaton tells his wife that he's dead.

Sellars: Alex had a psychotic break. He killed an unarmed colleague. We did everything. Everything.

NC: You know, I can see why he was Birdman and Vulture. His movements are very foul-like.

Sellars: Alex had a psychotic break. (As he moves his head, the cooing sound is heard. These sounds are added each time this is happening) He killed an unarmed colleague. We did everything. Everything. We could, but the doctors couldn't save him. We're going to be making the announcement shortly.

NC (vo; as the announcer): RoboCoo: This time, it was just too good not to use again. (normal) She believes him, though, as he gets ready to announce it to the news.

Sellars: (watching down Detroit from the glass window) Look at this city. So beautiful. (He turns around, revealing he's recording his announcement on the camera) I have very sad news. Alex Murphy passed away just hours ago.

NC: Who the hell starts a news announcement like that?!

NC (vo): I don't care what you're announcing, that's just weird! Imagine if I was like...

(Cut to NC looking out the window in thoughts as the sad piano music plays)

NC: Look at this town. So grand. So open. So unassuming. (turns to the camera) I have some sad, tragic news. The IHOP down the street closed. (The frame freezes and turns to black-and-white as NC yells tragically...) OH, NO PANCAKES! OOOOHHHHH!

NC (vo): RoboCop bursts into OmniCorp to discover...oh, yeah, those things were in the movie, too.

(Murphy storms the building, fighting his way through the three ED-209 drones sent to stop him. Murphy makes the two drones hit at the third one)

NC (vo; as ED-209): Frank, no. He wants us to do this. (The third ED-209 is destroyed) Dammit, Frank, you're off the Christmas card list.

(Lewis and his fellow police arrive in the SWAT team car, breaking through the entrance and right into one of the drones, knocking it down)

NC: I guess that is a more impressive takedown than stairs.

(Cut to a clip from the original movie, showing ED-209 falling down stairs and making robotic sounds that resemble crying or bird screeching)

NC: ...What was that?

(Murphy then makes his way to the roof where Sellars and Liz are waiting for a helicopter with Clara and David as hostages. Murphy's programming prevents him from arresting Sellars)

NC (vo): RoboCop makes it to the top of the building where his wife and kid are. But he's programmed not to kill Keaton.

Sellars: If you go against the program, the entire system shuts down, so...

Liz: You don't even have a warrant.

NC: I'm sorry, I can't hear anything over that intense Detroit wind.

(The following clips shown there isn't any wind blowing on the top)

NC (vo): Being so high up on a building, it's just so loud and blowing everyone's hair around!

NC: Who am I kidding? I wish I couldn't hear it, so I didn't have to listen to callbacks like this.

Sellars: Because I'm the only one with the technology to keep you alive.

Murphy: Dead or alive, you're coming with me.

NC: Does that even make sense in this one? (shrugs) If "I'm dead or alive, you're coming with me" as "my corpse gonna rest you"?

NC (vo): But Keaton isn't done...well, Keaton-ing.

Sellars: (aiming a gun at Murphy) If I wanted to, I could have killed you a long time ago. I just aim this right at your head and blow it off. I mean, if I wanted to, I could just aim this at your little family, (points the gun at Clara and David) and I could just kill them, too.

NC: (as Sellars) You know, it's kinda like the male Ellen thing. You know, just do little spurts and hands and just saying what's obviously going on, with these little spurts and hands and just saying what's obviously going on, with these little spurts and han-

(Murphy manages to overcome the programming and shoots at Sellars, and at the same time, Sellars shoots at Murphy. Sellars falls, dead, while Murphy shuts off)

NC (vo; as Sellars): Oh, now I'm shot. Just gonna lay here on the ground. Anticlimactic. (The scene from the original, showing Dick Jones falling to his death, is shown again) At least my arms are the same size. What the hell was that?

(The camera pulls away from the top of OmniCorp building)

NC: (finger on cheek) You know, Keaton's character was so...odd and eccentric. Where do you think a guy like that goes when he dies?

(The final scene from Beetlejuice is shown, with the titular character sitting in the waiting room next to a witch doctor)

Beetlejuice: Well, looks like I'm next. Good thing, too. I gotta do a photo shoot for GQ in about an hour and a half.

(Murphy's body is rebuilt in Norton's laboratory, and he waits for Clara and David, who are coming to visit him)

NC (vo): Murphy, of course, ends up surviving, and they even give him back his old color suit. Oh, hey, better close that door so we don't get any accidental emotion in this.

(As Clara and David enter, the metal doors close)

NC: Oh, come on, I was just kidding! They're really doing that?!

NC (vo): You're not even gonna show a hug?!

NC: Emotions! It can be a thing!

(During his broadcast, Novak angrily reveals the news that OmniCorp's parent company, OCP, shuts down the project)

NC (vo): It ends with the law being changed about machines, which ignites Nick-Furious anger.

Novak: The fact that this motherf***er (Yes, this is bleeped out) is not serving time...

NC: (really annoyed) Oh, bullshit! It's PG-13! You can get one F-bomb! You took away Samuel L. Jackson's ONE F-BOMB!! You know, the real nightmare is future when they have him talking lke this!

(The famous scene from Snakes on a Plane is shown...or rather, its redubbed version)

Neville Flynn: I've had it with this monkey-fighting snakes on this Monday-to-Friday plane!

NC: (grinning) PG-13 RoboCop!

(The clips from the movie are shown again as NC goes to his closing thoughts)

NC (vo): So, okay, this is not a good remake or reboot. But I'd be lying if I said it was as bad as I thought it would be. The supporting cast is mostly good, the ideas are interesting starts, and it made me realize this could be taken in different directions. Hell, it can even kind of start in a different direction by showing Murphy's emotional side early. But the emotional stuff is just not well done. This movie either needed a lot more over-the-top insanity to top the original a lot more hard to make it more emotional and/or just follow through with its ideas. As is, it's just another remake that's already being forgotten. And it's a shame, because I see now it could have been something really cool if there was just a touch more creative cooperation. In the end, it's just a robo-mess.

NC: (sits closer to Tamara, holding a binder) Now, if you'll excuse us, we're gonna try and figure out another clumsy moneymaking scheme.

RoboCop: So, I guess I am totally useless. Surely, there must be something I can do to prove my worth. I know. Why don't I find Malcolm? He has been gone for some time, hasn't he?

NC: (chuckles) Oh, RoboCop movie, I thought you understood. You are Malcolm.

(Dramatic zoom-in on RoboCop)

RoboCop: What?

Tamara: Yeah, he was mailed to us in several different parts, so we figured, instead of putting you back together again, we'll make you into something new.

RoboCop: Wait. You brought me back to life as a RoboCop movie?

NC: (waves off) Don't act like you haven't tried that.

RoboCop: Nobody has tried that.

Tamara: And since you didn't make back your money, I suppose we can give you back your memory and put you back together the way you were.

RoboCop: Will I remember any of this?

NC: Do you remember any of the RoboCop reboot?

RoboCop: We just reviewed it.

Tamara: And...?

RoboCop: I can't remember a thing.

Tamara: Sounds about right.

(She takes out the remote and shuts RoboCop/Malcolm off)

NC: (to the camera) I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it...because who the hell remembers the RoboCop reboot?

(He and Tamara look in their binders. The credits roll...before showing an extra scene)

NC: Planes 3. (Beat) Was there a Planes 2?

Tamara: What the fuck is Planes?

NC: That's the right answer.

(Both Doug and Tamara break character and burst out laughing. The rest of the credits roll)

Channel Awesome tagline - Pat Novak doing vocal warmups

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