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Return of the Nostalgic Commercials
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Released
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February 22, 2011
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Running time
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28:46
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Previous review
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Next review
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Link
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(The Nostalgia Critic sits on his recliner and flipping a TV channel before addressing to the camera.)
NC: Hello, I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to! Well, I got my recliner, I got my “I Donut Donuts T-shirt” on; that can mean only one thing. More commercials!
(Clips from various nostalgic commercials start playing.)
NC (vo): Yeah, I guess it is a weird idea to review commercials, but like I said before, they live in their own little world. And they’re so much fun to watch and laugh at. The ‘80s and ‘90s gave our childhoods some really silly products and even sillier ways of advertising them to us.
NC: And guess what? We’re gonna look at ‘em again today! So, welcome to part 2 of a look back in nostalgic commercials in a segment I like to call “We’ll Be Right Back!”
(Just as before, we then see a compilation of ABC clay animated "After These Messages" bumpers.)
Three Clay Singers: After these messages...
Clay Fire Hydrant (sings): After these messages...
Clay Cowboy (sings): After these messages...
Clay Dog (sings): After these messages...
(The title "We’ll Be Right Back..." is shown.)
Three Clay Singers (audio): ...we'll be right back!
Barbie Car
(TV static transition to: A Barbie car commercial)
Girl background singers: We're into cool cars!
NC (vo): Oh, figures that we start on a girl's commercial. Fucking girly ads, they just keep us from our lust of plastic weapons!
Female Announcer: You put it together. Dolls and fashions sold separately.
NC (vo): Yes, you can do everything with it. Drive through…glitter, pick up dangerous hitchhikers, pose it against that curious gigantic city backdrop that you have for some reason…
NC: It’s a girl’s dream come true!
NC (vo): Actually, the funny thing I realize about this is if that car was a little smaller, it’d be a boy’s toy. Now, how weird is that? You think we’d be all about things being bigger and stronger, but no. We like them teeny tiny. Have you ever noticed that? Girls got the huge convertible, we got Micro Machines. Girls get the giant detailed dolls, we get the little G.I. Joe action figures. I mean, at one point do we look at TV and say…
NC: Ha! Fuck that giant pussy convertible! (holds up a Micro Machines toy car) This is a man’s car! (smiles, but looks at it and frowns before tossing the toy aside)
Female Announcer: You put it together. Dolls and fashions sold separately.
Background singers: We’re into Barbie!
Girl: Wow!
NC: (laughs) What was up with that girl’s reaction? It’s like she forgot she was supposed to be impressed with the product.
Background singers: Barbie!
Girl: Wow!
NC (vo): She just sounds so entranced, too, doesn’t she? It’s like, off-screen, the product suddenly turned into an incredible superhero or something.
Female Announcer: You put it together. Dolls and fashions sold separately.
(The car approaches the two girls, a bright flash occurs as though transforming into something.)
NC (vo as Batman): I’m Batman.
Girl: Wow!
NC (vo): What else can you say but…Barbie?
Background singers: We’re into Barbie!
Girl: Wow!
NC: (mocks the girl) Wow!
He-Man Hotline
(TV static transition to: A hotline featuring He-Man characters)
Background singers: He-Man!
He-Man: I am He-Man. Call She-Ra and me at 1-900…
NC (vo): Oh, great, another 900 number. Again, as if they didn’t already have a sexual slant by today’s standards, you honestly have to put He-Man in your ads now? Now you’re just turning the sexual undertones into sexual overtones.
NC (vo): (dubs over He-Man) Fabulous stories about what I may or may not be wearing will be revealed to you when you hold aloft your mighty phone and say, “I GOT PARENT'S PERMISSION!” (A lightning bolt strikes He-Man’s sword.) I...HAVE...PERMISSIOOOOOOOOOON!!!!! (Accompanying text appears onscreen.)
He-Man: We’ll also tell you how to get an action figure or this colorful poster.
She-Ra: Part of your $2.35 2-minute call will go to local science museums.
NC (vo): Yes, PART of your money will go to the science museums.
NC: We haven’t figured out yet how to make change for a penny, but we’ll figure out some percentage!
He-Man: I have the power!
(The caption “AND PERMISSION!” is shown.)
Bubble Thing
(TV static transition to: Bubble Thing commercial)
Narrator: It’s not easy when you’re new in town.
(The new kid is carrying his boxes in and notices two boys who are biking and skateboarding past him down the sidewalk; they both look behind him briefly and continue onward.)
NC: (as the two boys) Pfft! Loser. He’s new, so we hate him!
Narrator: Except when you have something that makes huge bubbles. Amazing bubbles!
NC: (as the two boys) Holy shit, that kid has bubbles!
Narrator: Bubble Thing makes people curious.
(Other kids in the neighborhood watch as the new kid tries out Bubble Thing.)
NC: (as the two boys while moving his head in curiosity) I was so wrong to judge you, Billy. I was so wrong!
Narrator: How can anything make bubbles as big, as giant, as monstrous as Bubble Thing makes them?
NC: (as Kid #1) Hey, Joey! (holds up an NES box) I just got a Nintendo Entertainment System! You wanna play?
NC: (as Kid #2) (smacks Kid #1, who cries out “Ow!) FUCK THAT SHIT, man! This kid has BUBBLES!!!
Narrator: Nobody, nobody seems to be able to resist the kind of bubbles Bubble Thing makes.
NC: (as another kid) It’s like my cruel, abusive family doesn’t exist anymore! Thank you, Billy. You changed my life forever! Fuckin’ bubbles.
NC (vo): And what do they call this incredible invention that brings people together? Bubble Thing. Wow, was the marketing guy away from work that day? That’s like the most unimaginative name I’ve ever heard for a product! It's like calling Transformers 'Changey Things'! Or G.I. Joes 'Army N Stuff'! Or Hot Wheels 'EEEEH-EY-AH-NEH?'” Way to make us remember the product, guys!
Narrator: Bubble Thing makes colossal bubbles, and it’s new. From Wham-O.
NC (vo): FUCKING BUBBLES!!!
Another Hotline
(TV static transition to: A hotline ad featuring two puppets)
Pirate Sock Puppet: Hey, whatchoo gonna do today, Marty?
Marty the Sock Puppet: I’m gonna call 976-7777…
NC (vo): Oh, Jesus, how many of these call numbers were there?! This doesn’t even look like it’s trying!
Marty the Sock Puppet: They’re gonna tell me a great story every day.
Pirate Sock Puppet: I’m gonna ask my parents if it’s okay if I call 976-7777.
Marty the Sock Puppet: Naw, me first!
Pirate Sock Puppet: Me first!
(They begin fighting each other.)
NC (vo): How much you wanna bet this was just a local pedophile who got on public access and wanted to hear children’s voices? In fact, who do you think is on the other end, anyway?
(NC listens to someone talk on his cell phone.)
Herbert (from Family Guy): (voice) That’s a nice muscley throwing arm you got there. You know, if you get sweaty and wanna take your shirt off, that’d be just fine.
NC: Oh, you are sick, man! You are sick!
Herbert: (voice) Don’t you mouth off to me or I’m gonna slap you right in your penis.
(NC yelps in fear and throws his phone on the floor.)
Herbert: (voice) Mmmmm.
Announcer: Two dollars per call, plus possible toll. Ask your parents' permission before calling.
After Burner
(TV static transition to: After Burner commercial)
Announcer #1: Sega challenges you with After Burner!
NC (vo): Oh, hell yeah! After Burner was awesome!
Announcer #2: Accessories sold separately.
Announcer #3: Get ready!
Announcer #1: After Burner gives you the real dog-fight excitement of the arcade version!
NC (vo): You know, the only weird thing about this commercial is the fantasies this kid has. I mean, they’re a little confused, aren’t they?
NC: (as a kid pretending to play the home video game version) Wow! I’m playing a video game that makes me think I’m in a cockpit…playing a video game!
Kid: Yeah!
Announcer #1: Like barrel rolls, nose dives, super-sonic speed, and radar lock-on!
(Cut to a clip from Suburban Commando)
NC (vo): Yeah, now if you can convince Hulk Hogan that it doesn’t have fucking aliens in it.
Shep (Hulk Hogan): Give it up, Dragos! Give it up!
NC: IT'S AFTER BURNER!!!
Kid (in the commercial): Let’s take her home.
Announcer #1: After Burner. Only on the Sega system. Sega: The challenge will always be there.
NC: (as the announcer) But the system will not.
Skip Stik
(TV static transition to: A Skip Stik commercial)
NC (vo): Hey, girls, want something that’s more needlessly complicated than jump rope?
Young Female Announcer: Skip Stik!
Girl #1: Faster! Faster!
NC (vo): Are you that little bitch that always needs to show off and feel loved? The kind whose mother will threaten the coach’s family if you don’t get a perfect score? This unnecessary edition to overachieving physical perfection is for you!
Girl #2: Yeah!
NC: Now, to be fair, maybe I’m being too harsh. I mean, physical fitness is important, as long as you’re not just doing it to show off.
Young Female Announcer: Skip Stik! When you just want to show off.
NC: SCUM!!!
(The commercial continues until the music intercuts with Michael Sembello's “Maniac” as well as clips from Flashdance.)
Michael Sembello: (audio) ♫ She’s a maniac, maniac on the floor / And she’s dancing like she never danced before / Maniac, Maniac, at your door... ♫
(The caption “You Fucking Little Showoff!” is shown.)
Dino-Riders
(TV static transition to: Dino-Riders commercial)
Background singers: Harness the power! Dino-Riders!
NC (vo): Oh, God, how did this toy never catch on? Listen to this: These were space men who take over the minds of dinosaurs and use them as weapons in their intergalactic war!
NC: (sputters in disbelief) How fu-I-ger-bu-THAT’S THE COOLEST IDEA EVER!
Kid #1: They’re firing on me!
Kid #2: Look out for the trap!
Announcer: But hidden rockets flash the evil Rulon!
Kid #1: (as Rulon) We’ll meet again, Quexar!
NC (vo): They had a TV show, too, but that never went anywhere. Why? I mean, seriously, it’s like the best combination of everything boys like! Just throw in cowboys, ninjas, pirates and the annoying of girls for making us feel confusing emotions, and they’d be perfect!
Kid #1: Hiding, Gunner?
Kid #2: Over here, Frog Breath!
Announcer: Hidden rockets shoot the brain box off! (Kid #2 shoots the brain box off a T-Rex toy.)
Kid #2: He’s free! He’s free!
NC: Oh, well. All I gotta say is as long as Jeff Goldblum has nothing to do with them, these dinosaurs are awesome!
Announcer: Tyrannosaurus Rex, with figures, battle gear, and motorized walking action!
Background singers: Dino-Riders!
Ian Malcolm (from Jurassic Park): That’s...that's chaos theory.
Yet Another Hotline
(TV static transition to: Another hotline featuring a pet rabbit)
Announcer: Hey, kids! It’s me, the Spring Bunny! Call me today at…
NC (vo): OH, COME ON! IT'S A FUCKING RABBIT! That counts as a reason to call a number because you show a fucking rabbit on screen?
Announcer: There’s a new story every day, so call today!
NC (vo): I mean, how lazy can these get?
NC (vo): (as an announcer) Hello, kids! I’m a table! Would you like to hear an exciting table adventure? ‘Cause, you know, tables go on a lot of fucking adventures, so if you like to hear about me…a table…dial this number. (The caption “1-900-IM-A-FUCKING-TABLE” is shown.) Table AWAAAAAAY!
Announcer: We can’t wait to share our wonderful fun and discoveries with you. Remember, get your parent’s permission before you dial.
NC: (as the announcer) Preferably while they’re asleep.
Cocoa Pebbles
(TV static transition to: A Cocoa Pebbles commercial)
NC (vo): (as Barney) Hey, Fred! It’s the same ol’ shtick again!
(Barney, disguised as a rock star, has a rock concert stage lifted up high on a dinosaur with young girls clamoring for him.)
Fred: (notices the stage) Rock Rockstone! (After the girls leave and Barney is exposed, he becomes angry.) Barney!
Barney: Uh-oh.
NC: OK, I’m sorry, I gotta address something with these commercials. Here, you got Barney, who’s going to these extreme lengths to get Fred’s cereal. Why doesn’t he just go to the fucking store? I mean, my God! It’s incredible the lengths he’ll go to. I mean, his face is on the fucking box! You think he’d be able to get a few free ones every once in a while!
Fred: Barney!
NC (vo): And for that matter, why does Fred keep feeding into his habit? Why doesn’t he just crack and tell him what he really needs to do?
Fred: Barney!
Barney: Uh-oh. This rock’s got to roll.
(NC's Barney looks sad as NC speaks the following as Fred.)
NC: (as Fred) Ok, Barney, uhm, before I chase you around in some comedic routine, I-I just wanna ask you to do one thing. (beat) Look at yourself. Just really…look at yourself. I mean, my God, Barney. My God. You’re a pathetic wreck. I mean…that stage alone. How much did that cost you? Hundred…maybe…thousands of dollars? And…you keep doing this every week! Week after week, you blow your money away when you could be spending time with your family! This is why you’re defaulting on your mortgage, Barn. This is why Betty has to strip. (pulls out some cash from his wallet) Here, here’s, uh…$20. That’s…that’s good for a couple boxes. Go, go to the store and get a few. Enjoy yourself. You have a problem, Barn. You have a real serious problem, and it needs to be addressed. I mean, seriously, Barn, what is it about my cereal that’s apart from other cereals?
NC’s Barney: ‘Cause it came from your wife’s box.
NC: (as Fred) (loads his gun) OK, Barn, you’re going down. (gets up from his recliner, and gunshots are heard as we cut to the normal part of the commercial)
Fred: Cocoa Pebbles cereal. Part of this nutritious breakfast. Yabba-dabba-delicious!
NC (vo): (as Fred) I’ll make you eat your wife’s box!
Smooshees
(TV static transition to: A Smooshees commercial)
Background singer: ♫ You can smoosh them, you can moosh them… ♫
NC (vo): Maybe it’s me, but this commercial seems ungodly cruel.
Background singer: ♫ You can smoosh them, you can moosh them, you can… ♫
NC (vo): (as various stuffed mini toy animals are stuffed in tight spaces such as purses and little bags) OOOH! OH, GOD! OW, THAT HURTS! OH, GOD, OH, JESUS! NO, PLEASE, I’M CLAUSTROPHOBIC! D’OOOOOH! OOOOH! SICK TWISTED BITCH! (smack) OOH! OOOOOH, OOOOH, OOOOH! YOU GIRLS ARE SADISTS! AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!
Girl Announcer: Smooshees sold separately. From Fisher-Price.
(A witch’s cackle is heard as a girl laughs at the delight of smooshing her Smooshees into small spaces.)
Tootsie-Roll Pop
(TV static transition to: The well-known Tootsie-Roll Pop commercial)
Boy: Mr. Turtle…
NC (vo): Here’s a classic. It has a great setup and a great punch line. It’s a wonderful commercial.
Mr. Turtle: Ask Mr. Owl.
Boy: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie-Roll center of a Tootsie Pop?
Mr. Owl: Let’s find out. (undoes the wrapper and starts to lick the lollipop) One, two-hoo-hoo! Three. (chomps once on the candy center until there’s nothing but the stick) Three. (hands the stick back to the boy, who looks disgusted)
NC (vo): But, you see, I don’t think that’s the real question here. I think the real question here is “WHY THE HELL IS THIS BOY NAKED?” Nobody addresses this? Even the turtle, when he first comes out, is like… (The turtle’s head pops out and looks down, and NC speaks as him.) What the fuck? Put on some clothes, boy! I can see your junk!
(Mr. Owl is asleep and wakes up with his eyes opens halfway, then all the way like pod-bay doors.)
Boy: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie-Roll center of…
NC (vo): (normal) The other scene I like is when the owl opens his eyes. I don’t know, am I the only one that finds it a little creepy?
(Terminator music plays as the camera does a closeup on the owl’s eyes that open halfway, then all the way and start to glow red briefly.)
Mr. Owl: Let’s find out.
NC (vo): Oh, well. It’s still a classic commercial. I always look forward to watching it whenever it’s on.
Announcer: How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie-Roll center of a Tootsie Pop? The world may never know.
McDonald’s
(TV static transition to: A McDonald’s commercial)
Background Singer: It’s a signal, it’s a sign, you got…
NC (vo): Oh, yeah, this is part of those McDonald’s commercials that try to advertise to the teen demographic. I guess they were trying to make this (the McDonald’s arches) a household symbol.
Background Singers: ♫ Do the arches! ♫
Background Singer: ♫ Woo! Arches! Do it breakfast, do it lunch, do it dinner, you can do the arches! ♫
NC (vo): Yes, this not only shows that you can do one-fourth of the YMCA song, but also proof that your mother drank while she was pregnant with you!
Background Singers: ♫ Do the arches! ♫
Background Singer: ♫ Arches! Woo! ♫
NC (vo): Seriously, how the hell would you react if someone just came up to you and did this (forming an M over your head with both arms)?
NC #1: (comes in) Critic! (sputters, trying to find the words)
NC #2: (sits on his recliner) Spit it out, man! What is it?
(NC #1 sputters a bit more until forming the arches with his arms above his head, to which NC #2 is puzzled by.)
NC #2: Get out of my house!
(NC #1 leaves.)
NC (vo): Nothing much else you can say, but…do the arches.
(A monkey stands up on a park bench and does the arches pose.)
Background Singer: ♫ Let’s do lunch. ♫
Koopa (from the “Super Mario Bros.” movie): A monkey!
Zelda Rap
(TV static transition to: A Zelda video game commercial)
Rapper: Down with Zelda from the very start…
NC (vo): Really? We’re giving Zelda—a mythical story about a faraway land—a rap song?
Rapper: We’re through within overhead, fool, ‘cause a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do.
NC: Boy, this guy and Kazaam should do a duet together.
Rapper: Do not stand the man, ‘cause the power’s in my head, and the power’s in my hands.
Kazaam (from Kazaam): (raps) ‘Cause I am Kazaam. I’m bored and I’m seeing, I’m looking at your dream, in your coffee I'm the cream.
Rapper: I stay on track, collect the facts. Never cut slack, and I always watch my back.
Kazaam: One step on my finger, get a scoop of my cereal. They be so rich, better watch my material.
Rapper: G-G-G-Get down with Zelda!
Kazaam: Let’s green egg and ham it!
NC (vo): It’s not even the worst; it’s just…the idea of giving a fantasy game a rap seems really silly to me.
NC: I mean, you know in Japan where the game originated, they probably treated it with a lot more respect--
(A Japanese Zelda commercial plays, as the characters dance together and go up against a giant Ganon, to which NC reacts in confusion.)
Japanese Rapper: 出る! 出る! ゼルダの伝説! (It's out! It's out! The Legend of Zelda!) こよ今ゼルダわ最強上。(Zelda's just the greatest thing out there.) スパーファミコンゼルダの伝説 (The Legend of Zelda for the Super Famicom) 出る出る出る出る遂に出る！(Out, out, out, out, it's finally out!)
NC: (lip syncs to Link from “The Legend of Zelda” TV series) Well, excuse me, princess!
Grape Escape
(TV static transition to: Grape Escape commercial)
Announcer: It’s the Grape Escape game!
NC: OK, yeah, you know how they always say that TV and movies are rotting your brain? There’s just too much violence? Why don’t you go play a board game or something? Yeah, alright, take a look at this board game!
Background Singer: (To the tune of "Funiculì, Funiculà") ♫ Make ‘em, take ‘em to the factory… ♫
(An animated clay grape’s head is cut off by a giant pair of scissors in the game.)
NC: (reacts in shock) JESUS!
Background Singer: ♫ Mash ‘em, smash ‘em, now they're history! ♫
(Another animated clay grape gets rolled over.)
Background Singer: ♫ And lift their head and now they're dead and now they're lifted out of shape… ♫
NC: MOTHER OF GOD!
(A third animated clay grape gets stomped by a giant boot. With smacking sound effects added in by NC.)
Background Singer: ♫ That's the way you do it when you play the Grape Escape! ♫
NC: Good Lord!
(As the announcer describes the premise of the game and the background singers continue singing, sounds of screaming torture (actually sound bytes from The Ren & Stimpy Show and Tom & Jerry) are played over the ordinary clay figures that get tortured by the contraptions in the game.)
Background Singer: ♫ Hey, this is fun! ♫
Clay Grape: I'm almost done!
Background Singer: ♫ Maybe you won or now too late… That's the way you do it when you play the Grape Escape! ♫
NC: Grape Escape! Because killing things that are smaller than you gives you POWER! (laughs evilly as lightning strikes, then he giggles innocently)
Guess Who?
(TV static transition to: A Guess Who? commercial)
Face #1: Is it me?
Face #2: Is it you?
Face #3: Who knows?
Chorus of faces: Guess who?
NC (vo): Oh, yeah, you all know this game and all had a great time playing it.
Background kid singers: Can you guess who?
Boy: Does your person have a beard?
Girl: Uh-huh.
Face #4: You’re outta here.
Background kid singers: Can you guess who? Do you have a clue?
Girl: Does your person wear glasses?
Boy: Yes.
Face #5: I’m gone!
Face #6: Me, too!
NC (vo): Like most kids, though, I always wanted to take the game a little further.
Background Kid singers: Can you guess who with a mystery?
NC: Is your person Jewish?
Boy: No.
Face #7: You’re history!
Background Kid Singers: Can you guess who?
NC: Has your person slept with Mommy?
Girl: Uh-huh.
Face #4: You’re outta here.
Background Kid Singers: Can you guess who?
NC: Is your person serving time for multiple homicides?
Boy: Yes.
Face #5: I’m gone!
Face #6: Me, too!
Background Kid Singers: Can you guess who?
Jules Winnfield (from Pulp Fiction, played by Samuel L. Jackson): Does he look like a bitch!?
Brett (Pulp Fiction): What? (is shot by Winnfield and screams in pain) AGHH!!
Jules Winnfield (Pulp Fiction): DOES...HE...LOOK...LIKE...A BITCH?!
Brett (Pulp Fiction): NOOOOO!
Background Kid Singers: Can you guess who?
NC: Is your person the subject of several disturbing documentaries?
Boy: Yes.
NC: You’re Charles Manson! (a photo of Charles Manson is shown on a game card)
Boy: You win!
Girl: Let’s play again.
Face chorus: Can you guess who?
Announcer: Guess Who? Game cards do not actually talk.
NC: If they do, you should probably seek help.
Burger King
(TV static transition to: A Burger King commercial)
Boy Announcer: Now at Burger King, you can collect “Save the Animal” cards!
NC (vo): Really? You went from He-Man cups that you’re supposed to swordfight with to environmentally aware trading cards?
Boy Announcer: There’s 17 cards and 4 albums. One with every kids meal.
NC (vo): And this is why you’ll never be as popular as Happy Meals!
Boy Announcer: You can save them in albums…(a growl is heard, then a gorilla appears next to the two kids)…or trade them with friends!
NC (vo): (as an announcer speaking the fake disclaimer quote at the bottom of the screen) Actual odds of getting raped by a gorilla in a Burger King now only 1 in 5.
Background Kid Singers: Your way, my way, at Burger King now!
Corn Pops
(TV static transition to: Corn Pops commercials)
Young Male #1: (thinking) We’re out of Corn Pops.
Girl #1: Sorry.
Young Male #1: (thinking) She ate all my Kellogg’s Corn Pops!
NC (vo): Oh, yeah, remember these commercials? Always starring the mentally tormented kid who has a fucking fetish for a children’s cereal?
Young Male #1: (thinking) Oh, wow, those Pops taste like sweet popcorn, and she ate the last bowl of them! Ugh!
NC (vo): It always starts off with some kid discovering there’s no Corn Pops, and then we take a disturbing look into their deep, dark psyche.
Mother: We’re out of Corn Pops.
Girl #2: (thinking) Out of my Kellogg’s Corn Pops? How could you? Stay calm. (talks out loud) Hey, anything you got. (thinking) But, oh, that Pops tastes like sweet popcorn. I want some and I can’t have them! Ugh!
NC (vo): These kids are freakin’ nuts! I mean, if you were watching this, you’d think it was something out of a scary film or a psychological thriller or something!
Young Male #2: Pass me the Corn Pops.
Man: We’re next, caddie.
Young Male #2: Uh, right, sir. (thinking) Oh, no, I want my Kellogg’s Corn Pops.
NC: Pops! (holds up a box of Corn Pops and looks at it) I gotta have my Pops!
Man: Let’s go, son.
Young Male #2: Coming! (thinking) Go? And leave without my Corn Pops? Are you serious?
(NC clutches to his box tight; as Young Male #2 speaks the following, NC shakes his box letting loose a bunch of the cereal and tears it apart in fury, and the commercial quickly intercuts with clips from The Shining and The Exorcist.)
Young Male #2: (thinking) Stay calm. Oh, like sweet popcorn, there’s ever enough. Now I have to work his bag on an empty tank, and shag balls for this diddy-head who thinks I’m his son. Will they get the Pops? If somebody get me out of this! (rain starts to fall)
NC: (looks up after being exhausted from the fury) Huh?
Young Male #2: (enjoys the rain) Yes.
NC: (as Tommy Wiseau) You are tearing me apart, Corn Pops!
Announcer: Kellogg’s Corn Pops is part of this complete breakfast.
Young Male #1: (thinking) I gotta have my pops. (A quick shot of the demon face from The Exorcist is shown.)
Fun Fruit Trees
(TV static transition to: Fun Fruit Trees commercial)
(Several kids search through a forest with various gadgets.)
Kid #1: Hear anything?
Kid #2: Negative.
Announcer: Sunkist searches high and low for Fun Fruit Trees.
NC (vo): Ah, yes, the Fun Fruit Trees.
Kid #3: I found ‘em!
(The trees start laughing and drop their candy onto the kids.)
NC: I guess the idea behind these things was that…I don’t know, you make them laugh and they drop Fun Fruit candies.
Announcer: That’s why Fun Fruits are so much fun to eat!
NC (vo): I don’t know. I always found these things a little creepy. I mean… REALLY creepy.
(Various clips of the trees laughing a little creepily, to which NC becomes scared of watching; a clip of a tree laughing is slowed down for demonic effect.)
NC: (as Tommy Wiseau) You are tearing me apart, Fun Fruit Trees!
NC (vo): They just seem unnatural. Every time they appear, I keep thinking they’re gonna do something like out of an Evil Dead movie.
(Clips of Cheryl Williams from Evil Dead being tied down by tree roots and vines and having her legs be spread apart while intercutting with the Fun Fruit Trees laughing creepily.)
NC: Yeah! Fucking scary!
Announcer: Sunkist Fun Fruits. Every chewy one is real fruity fun.
(Cheryl Williams screams again.)
Song of the South
(TV static transition to: A Song of the South trailer)
NC (vo): Oh, boy. Better enjoy this movie while you can, folks, because you will NEVER see it in theaters again!
Announcer: ‘Cause he’s the one and only Brer Rabbit! Back again on the big screen in Walt Disney’s happiest classic Song of the South!
NC: (as the announcer) Did we mention that even though we’re just showing the animated scenes, they’re only about as long as this commercial?
NC (vo): That’s right! The rest is live action, and dealing with incredibly slow-moving racial relations.
NC: Doesn’t that sound like fun, kids? (long pause until the coughing of a small kid occurs)
Announcer: Walt Disney’s Song of the South. Rated G. Now playing at a theater near you.
NC (vo): (as the announcer, with accompanying text covering the entire screen) Warning, this Academy Award winning movie Disney will soon be ashamed of. It may or may not be racially insensitive, honestly it’s sort of hard to tell, but Disney’s not gonna take that chance, anyway. See the film that millions of people around the world are calling…"OKAY!"
Cabbage Patch Twins
(TV static transition to: Cabbage Patch Twins Doll commercial)
Dad: (calling his wife while his daughter holds two Cabbage Patch twin dolls in hand) Mom, you’re a grandma. Twins! Yeah, they just arrived.
Announcer: Introducing Cabbage Patch Twins. It doesn’t happen very often.
NC (vo): Alright, this is an ad for Cabbage Patch Kids Twins.
Grandmother: And who is the chubby one?
Girl: That’s Diana Marie.
Dad: (to one of the dolls) How is my Diana Marie?
Girl: That’s Emma Lou.
Grandfather: (pointing to the other doll) I thought this one was Emma Lou.
Girl: (to herself) Grownups.
NC (vo): Yeah, it’s innocent enough, but look at how this ad begins.
Dad: (calling his wife) Mom, you’re a grandma. Twins! Yeah, they just arrived.
NC (vo): Now, what if, for the sake of argument, she didn’t know that was a joke? If your husband called up and said that your daughter is pregnant, would you react so pleasantly?
Dad: (calling his wife) Mom, you’re a grandma. Twins! Yeah, they just arrived.
NC (vo): (as the wife on the other end) What? WHAT?! Baby, who touched you?! Who got you knocked up?!
Grandmother: Congratulations, Frank.
Grandfather: We just heard.
NC (vo): (as the wife) Frank, tell me what’s happening! Have you called the authorities?
Girl: This is Emma Lou, and this is Diana Marie.
NC (vo): (as the wife) Frank, did you try to hang up on me? It’s still on the hook! Give me some answers, damnit! It was Uncle Bill, wasn’t it? I knew his checkered past would ruin this family! Oh, my little baby girl’s been deflowered!
Announcer: Cabbage Patch Kids Twins. They arrive together with special adoption papers.
NC (vo): (as the wife) I don’t want to live! I DON'T WANNA LIVE!!
The Wuzzles
(TV static transition to: A Wuzzles commercial)
Girl #1: ♫ I got a Wuzzle, I’m gonna snuggle. ♫
Hoppopotamus: Name’s Hoppopotamus.
NC (vo): Remember the Wuzzles? These toys were so popular, they got their own Disney TV show. And who can blame them? It was a pretty clever idea. These were toys that combined two kinds of animals, like half hippo and half rabbit. Nothing wrong with these, except for one lyric that drives me nuts.
Girl #1: ♫ I got a Wuzzle, I’m gonna snuggle. ♫
Hoppopotamus: Name’s Hoppopotamus.
Girl #1: ♫ Cuddly as can be. ‘Cause she’s part hippo and part bunny! ♫
NC (vo): Alright, that was OK.
Boy: ♫ I got a Wuzzle, I’m gonna snuggle. ♫
Bumblelion: Name’s Bumblelion!
Boy: ♫ Cute as he can be. ‘Cause he’s part lion and part bumblebee! ♫
NC (vo): And that was good, too.
Girl #2: ♫ I got a Wuzzle, I’m gonna snuggle. ♫
Eleroo: Name’s Eleroo.
Girl #2: ♫ Funny, yesiree. ‘Cause he’s part elephant and part kangaree -- ♫ Oh! Roo!
NC: (points to the camera repeatedly) CHEATER! Cheater, cheater, cheater!
NC (vo): Really? They couldn’t come up with something to rhyme with “roo”? That’s got to be one of the easiest words to rhyme!
NC: ♫ I got a Wuzzle, I’m gonna snuggle, so much he can do! ♫ (speaks) See? How is that hard?
NC (vo): It’s incredibly easy! Or how about…
NC: ♫ I got a Wuzzle, I’m gonna snuggle, we don’t care about rhyming! ♫ (beat) Buy our shit!
NC (vo): Oh, well, it’s still a clever idea either way.
Female Announcer: Wuzzles come with their own storybooks. Sold separately from Hasbro Softies.
Nerf Guns
(TV static transition to: A Nerf Gun commercial)
TV Weatherman: And the weather for today will be…
Tough Boy: STORM! (The weatherman is blown away by the boy’s yell.)
NC (vo): Oh, God, this boy is fucking nuts.
Tough Boy: Not thunderstorm, not hailstorm, not desert storm, Nerf Arrow Storm!
NC (vo): Where the hell is this kid? It’s like he’s in the lair of a Batman villain!
Tough Boy: Rapid fire, semi-automatic rotating turret! That means six arrows! No waiting.
NC: (as the Tough Boy) Yes. No waiting. (laughs maniacally)
(The Tough Boy starts shooting his Nerf gun in different directions toward his enemies.)
NC: (as the Tough Boy, pretending to shoot randomly) Die! Die! Everybody die! (laughs insanely)
Tough Boy: Now that’s what I call service.
NC: (as the Tough Boy) Nerf will leave no one alive. (continues firing)
Tough Boy: Hey, if you don’t have the Nerf Battle Storm, you’re just a target! (the camera shows a boy issuing a sped-up version of the Howie scream while being hung on a giant target)
NC: (reacts in surprise) JESUS CHRIST, KID! (The Tough Kid continues firing randomly.) I thought this was just a game!
Tough Kid: Don’t you get it?
(NC screams as the Tough Kid bangs on the screen, causing it to go static a bit.)
Tough Kid: (announcing) It’s Nerf…or nothin’!
NC: And, by nothing, we mean DEEEEEEAAAAAAATHHHH!!!!!!
Tough Kid: (announcing) It’s Nerf…or nothin’!
Aliens Toys
(TV static transition to: An Aliens toy commercial)
Background Singers: Aliens!
NC (vo): Alright, Aliens! Now we’re talking!
Announcer: It’s the alien flying queen!
Kid: (imitates the flying alien queen) Grrr!
Announcer: And her gruesome guerrillas! Send in the ultimate space marine, Atax!
NC: Wait, wait, wait, w-w-w-w-w-w-w-wait. The “ultimate space marine” is named “Atax”?
NC (vo): It sounds like…discount tampons you get at the dollar store.
Announcer: Atax, disguised in his big, bad bug suit!
Kid: He sneaks in!
NC (vo): Oh, really? An alien disguise suit? Why didn’t they think of that before?!
NC: (impersonating as a command officer giving a speech to the marines from Aliens, complete with shots from the movie) Alright, marines, here’s the plan: we are going to dress up in alien costumes—get a buncha garbage bags and the world’s biggest dildos—and we are gonna sneak into the alien’s nest. They don’t have any eyes, so they’ll never be able to spot us. Any questions? (Hudson is shown raising his hand) Yes, Hudson?
Hudson (from Aliens): How do I get outta this chickenshit outfit?
NC: (still as the officer) Shut up!
Announcer: Send in Hicks in a heavily armored E-Vac fighter!
Kid: Send in the marines!
Announcer: Blast ‘em!
Kid: Yeah!
Announcer: And bottle ‘em!
NC (vo): Ah, yes, and bottling! Yes, of course, alien costumes and bottling! This is the future of our military, folks!
NC: If this is how it’s gonna look, I think Hudson said it best.
Hudson (from Aliens): Game over, man! Game over!
Announcer: Bye-bye bugs! Each sold separately.
Background Singer: Aliens!
Johnson Boat
(TV static transition to: A Johnson Boat commercial)
Singer: You’ve got your sunrise, you caught a prize. You, your mate and your Johnson.
NC: (confused) What?
Singer: You caught a prize. You, your mate and your Johnson.
NC: (confused) What?
Singer: Party nights, Summer whites. You, your friends and your Johnson.
(Cut to a scene from The Big Lebowski)
The Dude: …Johnson?
Singer: Saturday nights, distant lights. You, your girl and your Johnson.
NC: WOAH! HEY! KEEP IT CLEAN! Gah, it’s a disturbing commercial. Does it get any creepier than that?
Singer: Rooster tails, water trails. You, your kids and your Johnson.
(NC sits with his mouth agape before being interrupted by Herbert from “Family Guy”.)
Herbert’s Voice: I’m gonna slap you right in the penis!
NC: (shouts into his phone) Shut up!
Announcer: You and your Johnson. A way of life for over fifty years.
NC: And then your wife found out what you were doing with your Johnson and…well, let’s just say you and your Johnson won’t be hanging out with any kids anymore.
NC (vo): Commercials like this do make you wonder, though. Are they aware what’s going on? I don’t know, I almost think they planned this so that people will talk about their product more, like they meant for it to have a double meaning. But I don’t know, maybe I’m sounding like a conspiracy nut.
NC: I mean, can you think of any other commercial that can be taken the wrong way so easily?
Wunder Boner
(TV static transition to: The infamous “Wunder Boner” commercial)
Fisherman #1: Just wait ‘til you see what I’ve got. (grabs a box) It’s the Wunder Boner!
(Cut to NC’s stunned face with dramatic music sting.)
Fisherman #2: (laughs) The Wunder Boner?
Fisherman #1: Ah, you laugh now. Just watch. (NC watches with his mouth agape and shakes his head in disbelief at what he sees) You just assemble the Wunder Boner stand steel rods like this, take the fish, and… (proceeds to de-bone the fish with the Wunder Boner)
Fisherman #3: The Wunder Boner!
Announcer: (NC continues staring in disbelief as the announcer speaks.) Introducing the Wunder Boner. The new amazing fishing tool that makes de-boning fish a breeze.
NC: OKAY! You had to know what you were talking about! Nobody’s that naïve!
NC (vo): You’re trying to play all innocent when you know that everyone’s gonna be snickering at your commercial, and thus remembering your product better.
NC: I mean…I might believe that wasn’t intentional if they don’t drop any more innuendos.
Fisherman #3: The Wunder Boner!
Fisherman #2: My wife would like that.
NC: (points to the camera) A-YOOOOU KNOOOOOOOOOOOOW!!!
NC (vo): You totally know what you’re talking about, and you should be ashamed of yourself!
Fisherman #2: (after a cookout) Well…I think the Wunder Boner’s a winner.
NC (vo): STOP SAYING THAT! I don’t care if your wife would like one of those; just…keep your fucking Wunder Boner to yourself!
Announcer: The Wunder Boner comes with a polyethylene storage case that doubles as a base and a cutting board.
NC (vo): I mean, seriously! You can’t even say that word without having someone crack up! Watch!
(Cut to NC at an anime convention in Anime Milwaukee where he gets up on stage in front of an audience.)
NC: Wunder Boner.
(The whole audience laughs hysterically as NC observes both sides of the audience.)
NC: You see?
Fisherman #3: So, uh, Dave, where did you get the Wunder Boner?
Fisherman #1: It's funny you should ask.
NC: (yells in slow motion while waving his arms “No”) NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! (speaks at a normal pace) NO! NO!! NO!!! CUT TO SOMETHING ELSE!!!!!
(Cut to the Wunder Boner cases on display.)
Announcer: Order your Wunder Boner now.
NC: (sighs with relief) Alright, kids, fucking Wunder Boner is where I draw the line. This was my look at commercials, part 2. I hope you had a lot of fun, thanks for joining me, and…I hope that…you…your Johnson and your Wunder Boner have a fantastic evening. I’m the Nostalgia Critic, and…(sighs and gets up from his recliner to leave) Wunder Boner? Really?
THE END
Channel Awesome Tagline—
Fisherman #2: My wife would like that.