Attention: this is a fanfiction.
Reimu: Hello, I'm Reimu Hakurei - a miko who remembers it, because you don't! Today, for my first video ever, I'm going to count down, in my opinion, the top 11 most messed-up moments from media I've seen throughout my life, that's right, my top 11 "mindfucks!" Why top 11? Because I wanna be a Japanese Nostalgia Critic. Anyway, I've got a few mindfucks straight from the land of Gensokyo, where you can't let yourself get held back by common sense! I'm sure you claim that place's a mindfuck already, but who the hell cares? You might not consider these mindfucks, but I sure do! But let's not get into an argument; but rather blow this popsicle stand. Ladies and gentlemen, here are the Top 11 Mindfucks.
A montage of the moments and interlude clips that were on the NC's Top 11 Nostalgic Mindfucks list, alongside some new Cyriak clips from his later videos (like "cows & cows & cows" and "malfunction"), set to the tune of the Gallery theme from Left 4 Dead 2
Reimu: Number 11. Alice's nightmare from the movie Mystic Square.
Reimu (voiceover): Mystic Square was a movie I starred in with my friends, where we all played ourselves. It was based on our adventures in Makai, which you might know from the game they made out of it for that one Japanese computer. And the movie draws more inspiration from the game then what actually happened. But enough talk. About 8 minutes into the movie, you get one moment that makes no sense and is really fucked-up!
The craziness begins
Alice: Oh! Aaaaah! No, no! Help!
Reimu (voiceover): After we first meet Alice and she first tries out her magic in her Grimoire, she goes to sleep and has a nightmare about being chased through the woods by several evil talking trees.
Tree 1: Alice, come meet your doom!
Kirby Super Star Ultra footage, Meta Knight is shown saying "This is the end! Kirby! Come meet your doom!!" then back to Mystic Square footage
Reimu (voiceover): Honestly, I think this scene took a lot of inspiration from the scene in Snow White where she's running through the woods, trying to escape those scary trees.
Snow White footage
Reimu (voiceover): See what I mean? They're almost identical.
Reimu: But what does Disney know? (laughs)
Mystic Square footage
Reimu (voiceover): Of course, it was all a dream, and Alice wakes up. But nobody, not even Alice, mentions it again.
Reimu: This is a...
Cue the BIG-LIPPED ALLIGATOR MOMENT!
Reimu: (voiceover) I don't get the point of this scene. Is it meant to express her concern of now being imbued with immense, dangerous magic? Or did the producers just get high? Whatever the reason is, I don't remember this happening at all during my adventure, nor do I remember happening it in the game. But it's there...
Alice: Oh what a bad dream!
Reimu: Next number.
Reimu: Number 10. Raggedy Ann & Andy: A Musical Adventure.
Reimu (voiceover): Awwww, this is such a cute movie! Look at all those dancing dolls! That Victorian girl (Babette) looks so beautiful! I don't see what Critic-san was talking about, I actually thought the pie-throwing machine was cute, I honestly don't think this classifies as a mindfuck...
And the craziness begins
Reimu: (screams twice) MAKE IT STOP!
Reimu: (voiceover) This movie came out in 1977, a good time for drug-induced visuals. Richard Williams, who you might know for doing some Don Bluth movies, headed the animation team; almost every animator was assigned a single character or scene to work on. However, all that hard work didn't pay off. Despite praise from critics, the flick itself did bad at the box office, because everyone was out seeing Star Wars instead.
Footage from Star Wars, showing Luke Skywalker and his uncle Owen
Luke Skywalker: But I was going into Tosche Station to pick up some power converters!
Back to Raggedy Ann & Andy: A Musical Adventure footage, showing Ann, Andy, and the Camel trapped in Looney Land
Reimu (voiceover): And I don't blame them! Because Richard Williams and friends just got high, the last thing they saw being a Raggedy Ann doll! This movie has numerous fucked-up moments, sure, but for me, what you are about to see takes the cake.
We see a giant red blob monster with an ice cream cone as a nose, called Greedy, rise up from a pile of taffy and dive back in
Greedy: Tooty fruity!
Reimu (voiceover): WHAT... THE FUCK?!?! I'm speechless. I'm speechless! All I can do is SCREAM!
Other crazy clips appear, while Reimu screams, stops to catch her breath, and screams again. More crazy clips appear, as Reimu suddenly goes quiet
Reimu: (below the camera, just holding up a hand and pointing) GO TO THE NEXT ONE!
Reimu: Number 9. Some of the stuff you can find on Wikipedia.
Reimu (voiceover): Now you're probably thinking, "Wikipedia? A mindfuck? That's the site that never gives true facts which high schoolers use to write a shitty, low-quality book report." Well, this really sounds silly, but I had an experience on that site, actually related to our PREVIOUS mindfuck, that even thinking about makes me freak out.
She assumably thinks about it, screams, runs all the way to her room and hides under the bed, curled in the fetal position. A black screen appears
Voiceover (a bad impersonation of the SpongeBob narrator): A few minutes later...
Reimu is back in her media room, visibly shook
Reimu: I'll try to explain what went down. I was looking around on YouTube, and saw Nostalgia Critic's "Top 11 Nostalgic Mindfucks" video, which is the reason I'm even doing a video like this in the first place. He mentioned Raggedy Ann, which I didn't get to see the fucked-up-tivity of since I only saw the end of that portion. I went on Wiki to check out Raggedy Ann, then ended up looking up smallpox - the daughter of the doll's creator died because of that illness, and I was scarred forever by a fucking picture on that page. Lesson learned: Don't search deadly illnesses on Wikipedia, or ANYWHERE AT ALL! Now I know what you're thinking, I raised your interest and you're gonna go ahead and search it anyway. Let me tell you: Smallpox is a disease which gives you sores all over your body. It got eradicated in 1982 in your world, and since it's forgotten, it's moved to Gensokyo, where it still causes harm to this day. However, since we were all vaccinated when we were kids, I didn't know it existed because it only gets contracted by poor, homeless, hungry people nowadays! If you have trypophobia, DON'T SEARCH IT! Oh my goodness, I don't want to know if Patchouli has this in her Wikipedia book. Poor her...
Reimu's e-mail notification rings; it's the "BA DAP BA BA BA" ringtone from one of the famous Japanese McDonalds commercials
Reimu: Oh, email.
Cut to Reimu's computer screen
Reimu: Hm, what's this?
Reimu clicks on the link, and we cut to her reaction as we assume it's the picture she's talking about of smallpox: screaming like a bitch.
Author's note: Follow Reimu's advice, and don't ever actually look up smallpox.
Reimu: Number 8. "Pink Elephants on Parade" from Dumbo.
Reimu (voiceover): OK, back to movie mindfucks. This is a normal, Disney-made children's film that seems like every other one churned out in order to keep kids entertained with mindless entertainment and appease the big business buying out everything so they can dominate the globe.
Chicken Little poster appears
Reimu (voiceover): Okay, not that one; I actually like that one.
Poster disappears, and we go back to movie footage, of the "Baby Mine" scene
Reimu (voiceover): But then, after it lulls you into security with comforting scenes of animals and their mothers, it presents a mindfuck.
The Pink Elephants!
Reimu (voiceover): The main characters get drunk from alcohol circus performers left over! You know, for kids! And now they're seeing pink elephants, just like the old wives' tale.
The elephants' faces form one giant, multicolored elephant
Reimu (voiceover): They just formed Voltron in 1941.
When Reimu says the show's title, footage of Voltron is shown, back to the movie
Reimu (voiceover): Wrap your head around that one!
The scene reaches the point that the NC called a "gangbang of consciousness"
Reimu (voiceover): Sweet baby Byakuren! I can't see what's going on! A-All right. YING-YANG!
The Burger King appears
Reimu: Thank you, Burger King. Excuse me, I have to throw up.
Reimu: Number 7. "Heffalumps and Woozles" from Winnie the Pooh and the Blustery Day.
Footage from the movie
Reimu (voiceover): Like Dumbo, this is a perfectly normal kids' movie from Disney that turns into a mindfuck outta nowhere a good chunk into it!
The craziness starts, scaring Reimu
Reimu (voiceover): What the hell is this? Suddenly, Pooh's honey jars sport eyes and use their lids to talk! Look at those colorful, checkered elephants! Sure, I get that these... whatchamacallits...
Voice: Heffalumps and woozles!
Reimu (voiceover): ...Heffalumps and woozles were mentioned earlier, but did they have to make a scene THIS long about them? And after this, they don't seem to be mentioned again.
The BIG LIPPED ALLIGATOR MOMENT appears, only to be cut off by Reimu
Reimu: Don't, or we're gonna spend all night doing it. This whole list is a Big Lipped Alligator moment.
The elephants dance to an instrumental portion
Reimu (voiceover): Why are they dancing now? I bet the producers thought the film was too short, so they decided to lengthen it by getting high and adding a demonstration of what it's like to animate on pot in the middle. At least it's not as fucked up as...
Christopher Robin poster appears briefly
Reimu (voiceover): Christopher Robin. That's too recent to make the list, though; besides, if I put it on here, it'd again take up half the list AND be too much for you to handle. Again, consider it an honorable mention.
Pooh drowns in honey
Reimu (voiceover): Next number.
Reimu: Number 6. Meiling's scenario from Touhou Hisoutensoku.
Reimu (voiceover): I'm adding a video game... and one I'M in... to this list because one of the scenarios in it definitely counts as a mindfuck! In the story where you play as Meiling, she suspects innocent bystanders like me for being Taisui Xingjun, the Chinese disaster god, in disguise. And of course, they're all him.
Reimu: Y'know, I don't think someone who can create earthquakes would disguise as a loli.
Reimu (voiceover): At the end of the game, Meiling finds Taisui... disguised as a catfish. Who attacks like Fatty Whale from Kirby. And the background is a cartoon.
The fight plays out, set to ZUN's epic tune "Unknown X ~ Unfound Adventure"
Reimu (voiceover): Meiling wins... and it turns out it's a dream she had during one of her siestas guarding the Scarlet Devil Mansion. Oh my fucking god. Well I guess there were some hints beforehand, like how the fight with the catfish took place in a simplistic field. Though my question is: What was Meiling doing or watching before she went to sleep in order to have this dream? My only guess could be a documentary on Taisui Xingjun, as we all know Meiling might be the reincarnation of a Chinese dragon god so she's interested in that sort of stuff. But who knows?
Footage of the game, where Meiling asks Reimu if she's Taisui Xingjun
Reimu: If this were reality, I'd have been like, "Hell no am I in any way Taisui Xingjun! Have you seen me cause calamities? No? Thought so." But hey, Gensokyo is known for being the home of weird shit. Remember Gengetsu? Yeah, THIS girl...
Gengetsu Rape Time! Cut to Reimu with a wide mouth, before regaining composure
Reimu: Yeah, you remember now, don'tcha? Again, I only put this on the list because it'd make no sense to you, but it would be pretty normal for real life standards in Gensokyo, as it's always like that. (Pause) Like that. Like that. Like that.
Cut to Reimu with an electric guitar
Reimu: Like that. Like that. Like that. (Music starts playing as she utters those 3 lines)
Reimu (off-screen): Next number.
Reimu: Number 5. That freaking toon version of Bad Apple that I just saw on MikoVideo a while ago. Let me see if I can find it again... (mimes typing on a computer keyboard) ah there we go. Prepare your anus, and prepare to never sleep again.
Alice: Tomadou kotoba, ataeraretemo, (Even if given confusing words,)
Shanghai: Jibun no kokoro, tada uwa no sora, (My heart's just empty,)
Hourai: Moshi watashi kara, ugoku no naraba, (If you move from me,)
Nitori: Subete kaeru no nara kuro ni suru! (You'll change everything and turn it black!)
Reimu: What the fucking hell?
Patchouli: Nagareteku toki no naka de demo, kedarusa ga hora guruguru mawatte... (Even in the midst of flowing time, look, langour turns round and round...)
Reimu (voiceover): This is a video that has no reason for existing in Gensokyo, and I'm so glad it doesn't exist in your world. Everyone's turned into a cartoon and has big, bulging red eyes. Bright red. The color of blood.
Who Framed Roger Rabbit? footage
Reimu (voiceover): It's like that scene in Roger Rabbit, but done in anime style, not live action.
Back to the video
Reimu (voiceover): I can't decide which is way more fucked up. Probably this one. It looks even creepier entirely animated, AND with Touhou characters. It's not explained why they're toons. They're just... toons for the sake of being toons. When I saw this video a while ago, I knew I had to put it on the list.
We see the start of the video, with toon Reimu dancing, picking up an apple, and throwing it
Reimu (voiceover): Look, there's me as a toon!
We see a toon PC-98 Reimu and a shot of toon Reimu and the apple
Who Framed Roger Rabbit? footage
Reimu (voiceover): At least it made sense in Roger Rabbit why Judge Doom was a toon. Toon Town, you know?
Back to the video
Reimu (voiceover): Ah, whatever.
Back to Reimu
Reimu: Tell you what, I bet this was made by an autist who has a FETISH for that. And they so happened to be Japanese. (Pause) WHO HAS A FETISH FOR THAT? Y-ying... ying-yang!
The Burger King appears with an angelic chorus
Reimu: Thank you. I won't be able to sleep tonight.
Reimu: Number 4. The climax of Marisa Stole the Precious Thing. Everybody loves this song, but I don't think anybody's seen the full version of the video. In my opinion, that's a good thing. Why? Because THIS happens near the end!
Music video footage, Alice is pounding nails into straw dolls, a Marisa doll is inside of each
Alice: Gossun gossun gossun gossun...
Repeats while Alice's voice becomes squeaky and high-pitched, the video gets faster and faster as this happens
Reimu (voiceover): Woah, woah, woah! Alice, stop!
The screen turns red, complete with a loud high-pitched buzzing sound, which fades in at an earrape volume
Reimu (voiceover): Aaaaah! What the HELL? Headphone users be blessed, especially those who're listening at full volume!
Screen turns gray, upside down, and plays footage in reverse
Reimu (voiceover): WHAT'S GOING ON?
The buzzing sound stops, and we go back to the normal video footage, albeit tinted red. The outro of the song plays.
Reimu (voiceover): (crying) What the fuck did I just watch?
Music video ends
Reimu: What was that meant to symbolize? I remember seeing a stage performance of the full version that symbolized it kinda...
Cut to a Russian stage performance. An Alice cosplayer and a Marisa cosplayer are fighting over a paper heart, alternating between each "Gossun." At the loud buzzing sound, they accidentally rip the heart. A Patchouli cosplayer comes onto the stage and "Alice" and "Marisa" mime talking to her. The music comes back on as "Patchouli" steals the two halves; "Alice" and "Marisa" run after her
Back to Reimu
Reimu: But that wasn't in the PV. The only thing I can come up with is that either Alice is angry that she's too nervous to tell Marisa how she feels, or she just went insane because Marisa doesn't love her back. As a friend. ...Next number!
Reimu (voiceover): Number 3. The first killing scene from How The Grinch Killed Horton.
Reimu (voiceover): You might remember this as the movie the Nostalgia Critic made. It's funny shit, but the killing scene which the movie was named for goes in all the wrong directions and then some. The scene starts out nice and quiet, as everything up to this point has been done in a manner similar to what you'd find in a Dr. Seuss book. But then the Grinch jumps out by surprise and kills Horton with a knife. All while the narrator says things that make no sense.
Movie narrator (played by Doug Walker): Bazzup bazzup, bang bam baddap...
Reimu: Pretty soon, Horton is dead; and from then on, the movie takes a dark turn, with the Grinch going on a killing spree. But never once does the narrator say anything like he did when Horton got slaughtered; during all the other kills, he just describes the murder as it's happening. So Mr. Critic, what were you on when you wrote the initial kill? Huh? Huh?
Horton dies again
Reimu (voiceover): (mimicking LA Style in their song "James Brown is Dead") Horton the Elephant is dead.
Cut to Reimu, with the covers for the books "All of My Friends are Dead" and "All of My Friends are Still Dead" on screen, covering her face
Reimu: Your friends are dead.
The book covers disappear
Reimu: I am dead. But let's get back to the subject at hand.
Back to the movie
Reimu (voiceover): This out of nowhere, seemingly random scene just makes the film that much more awesome and hilarious. I recommend you give How the Grinch Killed Horton a watch; you'll be glad you did.
Reimu: Number 2. Giygas from Earthbound.
Reimu (voiceover): Another video game, but this time, it is much more messed up.
Reimu (voiceover): Earthbound is one of my favorite games. You play as a little boy named Ness who goes on an adventure with his friends to save their city from aliens. It's the perfect RPG; it has everything you asked for. Funny moments, sad moments, tense moments, just general happy 'n chill moments. The entire game has a multitude of mindfucks, but what I specifically picked to put on the list, the cream of the crop of them all, and what we're here to discuss is the final boss; Giygas, a time-traveling interstellar warrior out to destroy the entire universe. Except he? She?
Clip from the game with a NPC explaining nobody knows whether Giygas is male or female is shown briefly
Reimu (voiceover): It...
Back to the fight with Giygas
Reimu (voiceover): ...Doesn't seem like a "warrior." Oh, no! It's... a screaming spiral!
Reimu (voiceover): It just comes to Earth one day and's like, "Hey denizens of Earth! I'm here now! Everybody scream and run!" WHERE DID IT COME FROM? ARE THE RESIDENTS OF ITS' PLANET ALSO THESE WEIRDO NIGHTMARE BRUSH MADE SKULLS? And just listen to its' theme.
Giygas' theme plays
Reimu: This isn't music! I wonder when Ness and friends thought when they saw Giygas for the first time; yeah I know they've seen...
Footage of the Plague Rat of Doom battle
Reimu (voiceover): ...some pretty fucked-up shit so far, (back to Giygas battle) but this takes the cake. This cannot be topped. Out of all the mind-screw they've dealt with, Giygas is the coup de grace. And apparently, Shigesato Itoi, the maker of Earthbound, based Giygas off a rape scene he walked into at a movie theater once. I am not even kidding.
The scene Itoi based on the rape scene plays out; cut to Reimu, glassy-eyed
Reimu: This game was rated K-A (Kids to Adults) in America.
Reimu (voiceover): I-I've run out of things to say about this mindfuck. Earthbound - This game stinks?
The famous "Giygas' attack" part is shown
Reimu (voiceover): YOU ARE NOT ABLE TO GRASP THE POWER OF ITS' TRUE FORM!
Reimu: And now, the most strangest, surreal, scariest mindfuck is... Cucumber-Flavored Yukkuri.
Reimu (voiceover): This video might seem silly, if not creepy, at first; but watch what happens as time goes by...
Footage of the video
Reimu: What the... fuck?!?!?!? What has this sick fuck done to the cute and happy Kyuuri-Aji no Beer wo Nomeba Ii Yo video?
Nitori (in a creepy voice seemingly belonging to a man): Cucumber...cucumber...cucumber...cucumber...
Reimu: (regaining composure) OK, I might have to do some explaining. A few years ago, IOSYS had a song called Kyuuri-Aji no Beer wo Nomeba Ii Yo, and like they do for all their songs, they released a PV for it on YouTube, NicoNico, and MikoVideo. Yukkuris are a chibi rendition of me and my friends as cute, oversized heads filled with bean paste. They originated in Shift-JIS and spread to other forms of art. Thing is, in a lot of fan works about us, people want the bean paste. So they abuse the Yukkuris that contain them for it. That's Yukkuri Abuse. Some sadist with a fetish for nightmarish shit and Yukkuri Abuse happened across IOSYS's video and twisted it into what you're currently viewing, billed as a "parody." PARODY MY ASS!
More creepy shit happens as Nitori sings
Nitori: Yaki yude, itame, mushi age; ajitsuki, taberu tomaranai... (Steamed, stir-fried, in baked oil; with this taste, I cannot stop eating...)
Reimu: MAKE IT STOP!!!!!!!
Nitori coughs up a chicken bone and we go back to the happy music and visuals
Reimu (voiceover): Thank you.
But it goes back to being negative and creepy in a flash.
Reimu (voiceover): AAAAGH GOD, NO! Byakuren Hijiri! When? WHEN WILL THIS END?!
Soon, the video ends, but not until Nitori appears for a split second, hanging upside down really close to the screen, scaring Reimu.
The video ends
Reimu: Phew. Thank you. (heavily panting) YING-YANG!
And the Burger King appears for a final time.
Reimu: And that was the Top 11 Mindfucks. Thank God that cucumber video is over. You know what?
She runs off-screen and runs back on with her electric guitar
Reimu: Let's party!
Reimu grabs a soda, cracks it open, and gulps it down, and "Our Hisou Tensoku" from Touhou Hisoutensoku plays while doing so
Reimu: I'll call Nitori, Marisa, Patchouli, Alice, Shanghai and Hourai to come over in a little while. I'm Reimu Hakurei - a miko who remembers it, because you don't! Let's meet again on the next video, shall we?