(NOTE: This is a sequel to Reimu's Top 11 Mindfucks. Read that story before you read this one.)
Reimu: Hello, I'm Reimu Hakurei - a miko who remembers it, because you don't! Guys, what was the one thing we all grew up on? (picture of...) Super Soakers? (picture of...) Sega? (picture of...) The corrupt forces of scholastic education? No! It was Nickelodeon! We have Nickelodeon in Gensokyo, and it was basically the same as it was for you guys in America back in its heyday. So taking a page from the Nostalgia Critic again, this is my look back on Nicktoons!
(Footage of 90s Nickelodeon advertising)
Reimu (voiceover): Nickelodeon started in 1979 in Columbus, Ohio as the evolution of Channel C-3, the Pinwheel channel, on their QUBE interactive cable station. 24/7, Pinwheel showed (footage of...) Pinwheel, a crappy rip-off of Sesame Street, led by Dr. Vivian Horner, the co-creator of The Electric Company. Way to go. As time went by, Nickelodeon evolved into its own special thing, carrying (footage of You Can't Do That on Television, Danger Mouse, and Count Duckula) British and Canadian shows. In 1985, it was bought by MTV Networks, and it added (footage of...) older adult shows on the new Nick at Nite. But what we're looking at today happened in 1991, when Nickelodeon decided to make original cartoons. These were dubbed Nicktoons!
Reimu: Let's take a look at one of my favorites, Ren & Stimpy.
The Ren & Stimpy Show Edit
(Footage of The Ren & Stimpy Show plays)
Reimu (voiceover): This was one of the first "rude" cartoons on TV, and people got into such an uproar over it.
Reimu: I wasn't allowed to watch it as a kid, but I did anyway!
Reimu (voiceover): Look at all these disturbing close-ups! None of this had been done before on any children's cartoon show, and Spumco made it possible. The show's about a chihuahua named Ren who sounds like Peter Lorre, and a stupid cat named Stimpy. I honestly admit, Ren is way better than Stimpy. I find it hard to describe the adventures they go on, so I'm just gonna take a go and say it's like walking down the street while stoned and having just watched a Tex Avery cartoon. Oh, and a bunch of dirty jokes. And gay undertones. And of course, gross out humor.
(Footage of the gross close-ups, preceded by a message saying "If you're easily grossed out, don't look at this.")
Reimu (voiceover): The bad part about it though is the show's fate. John Krifalusci was fired after the episode "Man's Best Friend," where this happens...
(Ren beats up George Liquor with an oar and laughs over his brutally beaten body)
Reimu (voiceover): and the show became less-than-stellar, being taken over by Nick's in-house production studio, Games Animation. John K. would later go on to make a sequel series, the Adult Party Cartoon, for Spike TV in 2003. It sucked. While the gay undertones were vague in the original show, this show outright implied Stimpy was gay, and it was full of disturbing, not funny adult humor. Thankfully, it only lasted a few episodes before it got cancelled. Oh, and fast forward to now, John K. has been accused of sexual assault on underage girls, which I'm starting to think is true the more and more I read about it.
Reimu: It's sad.
Reimu (voiceover): Though I'll try to lighten the mood a little by saying this - Kurt Cobain of Nirvana actually approached Spumco with a theme song for Ren and Stimpy. Sadly, it got thrown out.
Reimu: Now let's talk about Rugrats.
(Footage of Rugrats)
Reimu (voiceover): Even though it aired on Nick Jr. from 1994 to 1997, Rugrats is not for little kids. It's a show about babies for older kids. Think of it like anime. A show starring cute characters for older children and teens. One year old Tommy Pickles, his three year old cousin Angelica, his two year old best friend Chuckie Finster, and his OTHER best friends Phil and Lil DeVille can all hear each other speak, but the adults don't. Well, except for in Rugrats in Paris.
Reimu (voiceover): And they go on little imaginary adventures that entertain all ages. The show also discussed serious topics like death, and it's handled pretty well. My favorite character is Kimi, and you can obviously guess why when you take one look at her.
(A picture of Kimi appears)
Reimu: She looks like an infant version of me! That's literally what I looked like as a baby!
Reimu (voiceover): One of my favorite episodes has to be when Chuckie dreams about visiting Spike in his doghouse, who strangely can talk.
Chuckie: Hey! Spike's not supposed ta talk! What's going on, Tommy?
Tommy: (with a weird clown face) I'm not Tommy! Hahahaha!
Chuckie: (wakes up) Aaaah!
Reimu: Classic. How about this part?
Chaz: Ah untroubled sleep for the innocent. (sees Stu turned away from him) Stu, I didn't know you were coming over!
Stu: (with a weird clown face) I'm not Stu! Hahahahaha!
Reimu: It never gets old!
(Chaz wakes up screaming) Chaz: Aaaah!
Reimu: And the sting at the end is PERFECT.
Chuckie: And don't you try to scare me with that clown face again, dream Tommy. That's just silly.
Reimu: (trying not to laugh) I know, right?
Reimu (voiceover): I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who imagined what the Rugrats would look like when they grew up. So what Klasky-Csupo did was make a special called "All Growed Up" for the 10th anniversary, and then turn THAT into a series called All Grown Up!
Reimu: Which everybody seems to hate. But I like!
(Footage of that show.)
Reimu (voiceover): The kids' personalities have changed a lot. Angelica, for one, has gotten nicer. The twins, Phil and Lil, no longer eat gross stuff. Tommy has hair. Chuckie's not that much of a wuss anymore. The rest is basically your typical teen drama show, but it's a good watch and an interesting take on the Rugrats we all know and love. Next up is a show I didn't really care for, Doug.
(Footage of the show Doug plays)
Reimu (voiceover): Unlike a certain someone, I never thought that much negatively of Doug.
Reimu: I mean, it's just a show about a kid in elementary school with a big imagination. Perfect for background ambience while you're doing homework... or getting stoned.
Reimu (voiceover): My favorite character has to be Doug's sister Judy. She's a stoner hippie artist, as I like to put it. Bluffington must be Gensokyo. Everybody has weird Western names. Can you say, Mosquito "Skeeter" Valentine, Bud Dink, Porkchop, or Patti Mayonnaise? What's next? Patchouli Knowledge, Orange, or Flandre Scarlet? Also, because Jim Jinkins wanted to make everyone unique and stand out, everybody has unnatural skin colors.
Skeeter: Yo, man, let me take care of this.
(clip from ReBoot)
Reimu: Blue lives matter!
Reimu (voiceover): The entire soundtrack is a capella, which I find pretty cool.
(A clip is shown with the soundtrack beatboxing)
Reimu: Pretty jazzy and beatboxy. Bum bum bum ba bum!
Reimu (voiceover): I find this show kinda trite now when I look back at it. I mean, there's the loser (Doug), his friend (Skeeter), the bully (Roger), and the love interest (Patti.) But it was one of the first cartoons of its type, so I find it easy to forgive. It's like a cross between Arthur and The Simpsons. But whereas The Simpsons was aimed for adults and Arthur was educational, Doug was just a show I... enjoyed. And a living hell for anyone named Doug, of course. Oh boy, guess what the next show is!
Rocko's Modern Life Edit
(Footage from Rocko's Modern Life)
Reimu (voiceover): Rocko's Modern Life! This is my favorite Nicktoon and cartoon of all time! Well, minus (picture of SpongeBob) the show a lot of the staff who worked on this one went on to create. (footage of Rocko) The show stars an adorable little wallaby named Rocko. He's recently moved to the US from Australia.
Reimu: For some reason, I've always wanted to see what life was like for him in Australia. That'd be a - dare I say - more interesting show than the actual show. That's not to say I don't like it; I love it!
Reimu (voiceover): Of course since this was the '90s and the PC-ness of everything was lax, Rocko has an Australian accent. Which is flippin' adorable!
Rocko: There you go mate. Good as new.
(Reimu mouths the word "d'awwwwww" before going onto her next point)
Reimu (voiceover): He makes friends in a steer named Heffer and a turtle named Filburt and his wife Dr. Hutchinson, a cat with a hook for a hand. And he lives next to Ed and Bev Bighead, who are voiced by the same guy, making Bev sound like a smoker. And the rest is like the 90s threw up on a cartoon lover's fanfiction.
Reimu (voiceover): I'm gonna attempt to describe what this show's like. For example, there's one episode where Rocko is visiting his uncle, Gib Hootsen, who's a cowboy living in Texas on a cattle ranch.
Gib: (slams the door open on Rocko) Is that you ratso? You sure got fat, boy... [...] WHAT!? You ain't got the sense the good lord gave a cow-pie! Well GET IN HERE!
Reimu: I'm sorry I failed you, Mr. Hootsen. But all I can think of whenever I see cowboy characters nowadays are the Ram Ranch Cinematic Universe, "Big Enough," and "Wow Wow" by Neil Cicierega.
(cuts to another scene)
Gib: Well, I suppose not; she's been dead for six years now! (Rocko is riding a dead horse)
Reimu (voiceover): Is it just me or does he seem a bit crazy? What happened to his wife, Rocko's aunt? Look, he even slams the door open on Rocko. I'll go as far to say he's abusive! Maybe he's a wife-beater! So for as... fucking weird as this gets, he actually SINGS at the end.
Gib: (singing) Now sit down...
(Reimu makes WTF faces)
Gib: (singing) Saved a whole truckload of cattle, ridin' high up in his saddle...
Reimu: (makes more faces) Of course, I only started thinking this when I became a teenager. As a kid, the jokes flew over my head.
(Footage of the show plays as Reimu talks)
Reimu: Rocko's Modern Life is crack, rock cocaine, in a visual form aimed at children. That's all I need to say. Next show.
(Footage of CatDog)
Reimu (voiceover): CatDog, created by Peter Hannan, is a show about a cat and a dog conjoined. This means they can't use the bathroom. Their parents were eaten by a fish or something. So this means they live with a mouse named Winslow, who sounds pretty familiar, if you ask me.
Winslow: What are you, nuts?
Reimu (voiceover): He's voiced by the same guy who voices Rocko, except he has a Brooklyn accent instead of an Australian accent now.
Reimu: (in imitation of Winslow) Garbage doi shawh is a dangaraws doi!
Reimu (voiceover): Back to the show. CatDog's always getting scammed by Rancid Rabbit and bullied by the Greasers; Cliff, Lube, and Shriek. Of course Shriek is the only girl. And is it me or does Cliff have sort of a speech impediment?
(A montage of Cliff saying "youse" instead of "you" is shown)
Reimu: I'm pretty sure he does.
Reimu (voiceover): One of my favorite episodes is the one where CatDog gets fleas and they have to share a flea collar. When Cat goes to sleep without the flea collar, he dreams he's in a darkness made of fleas and attempts to call out to Dog for help. But this happens.
(Dog has insectoid eyes and two pincers for a mouth)
Monster Flea!Dog: (in a SatAM Dr. Robotnik voice) Hiya... (laughs)
Reimu: For some reason, it's not scary at all to me. It's just funny as fuck. Probably because his voice is all demonic and creepy and he's just giving a friendly "Hiya!"
Reimu (voiceover): Some other episodes I like are (footage of...) the one about the cat club, (footage of...) the one where they're in the Mean Bob movie, and (footage of...) the one where they're looking for a third member to make decisions for them.
Bird: I absolutely, positively, 110% am not a kleptomaniac.
Reimu: Is it me, or does that guy sound like...
SpongeBob SquarePants Edit
(Footage of SpongeBob SquarePants)
Reimu (voiceover): SpongeBob SquarePants! Created by the former Rocko's Modern Life staff, this show's about a happy sea sponge named SpongeBob SquarePants who lives in a pineapple under the sea.
SpongeBob: I'm ready!
Reimu (voiceover): He goes to work at the Krusty Krab, where he flips Krabby Patties for his greedy boss Mr. Krabs. Working alongside SpongeBob is a depressed octopus named Squidward Tentacles, who's also SpongeBob's neighbor.
Squidward: How did I get surrounded by such loser neighbors?
Reimu (voiceover): SpongeBob's best friend is a dumb yet lovable sea star named Patrick Star.
Patrick: Well it may be stupid, but it's also dumb!
Reimu (voiceover): SpongeBob's other best friend is a squirrel from Texas named Sandy, who loves science and karate and has to wear an air suit when she goes places outside of her Treedome.
Reimu: I relate to her the most, minus the air thing.
Reimu (voiceover): And they have to deal with tough, nail-biting drama like "How will Mr. Krabs' daughter Pearl go to the prom if her date stood her up?" "How will we have fun if Mr. Krabs banned karate?" "How are we gonna get our favorite TV show back on the air?"
Mermaid Man: I wanna eat my meatloaf!
Reimu: Dude, it doesn't even taste good.
Reimu (voiceover): This show's still going on today. It became terrible after the first movie when the creator, Stephen Hillenburg, left, but after the second movie when he returned, it's gotten good again.
Reimu: It's strange to think that even if we're from different countries, we enjoyed Nickelodeon all the same. It's quite amazing, actually. I'm Reimu Hakurei - a miko who remembers it, because you don't!
(Reimu gets up from her chair and leaves.)