And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "Twilight 4."
(interrupts) Ah, no, actually that's, ah, "Red Riding Hood."
(long pause) You're serious?
(long pause) This isn't "Twilight 4."
(long pause) Alright. You're absolutely serious about that?
Yes, yes! It said in the opening credits.
...Alright. Do this again. (music resumes) Tonight's review: "Red Riding Hood." (sounds annoyed) It's so obviously "Twilight 4"!
I know, I know. Just go with it.
(cut to him) OH MY GOD, this is the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life!
(singing) I'm on my way to grandmother's-- SPOILERS!
There's this girl named Red Riding Hood.
Actually, she's called something else, but you won't call her that!
And she's in love with this boy who looks like Edward.
(offscreen) Because it is Edward! It's so obviously Edward! This is Twilight! We're watching Twilight for godsake!
(simultaneously) No, no it isn't! No, it's the-- Will you stop it?! ...Unprofessional!
And it turns out their town is under attack by a werewolf!
(quickly) Because it's so obviously Twilight-- (Chester menacingly points offscreen) ...Sorry.
So, a bunch of guys get together to take out the big, bad wolf.
But it turns out they killed a small, slightly ill-tempered wolf.
But then Gary Oldman comes in as the professional werewolf hunter!
(In weird accent) "I am Gary Oldman! I took this role because it allows me to do a silly accent!"
"Didn't you read the script?"
"I don't have to! Silly accent, I'm on board!"
So all the people are like, "We don't need you! We already killed the big, bad wolf!"
And Oldman is like, "That's not a werewolf! I should know!"
"Because I was a vampire!"
Boy, this is a lot like Twilight!
I told you!
(points) Shut up!
So everybody in the movie is like, "Who could the big, bad wolf be?"
And the movie's like, "Maybe it's the grandmother."
So, obviously, it's not the grandmother.
And then the movie's like, "Maybe it's the boyfriend."
So, obviously, it's not the boyfriend.
And then the movie's like, "It could be anybody except the one person we haven't said it could be yet."
That's the werewolf!
"Oh, poo. How'd you guess?"
But it turns out Red Riding Hood can understand the werewolf.
And he's like, "Come with me so I can take you far away!"
"But what would we do?"
"You'll pose on the mountains like the cover of a romance novel; you'll stare curiously at nothing, and you'll wear a red cloak that's ten sizes too large and you'll probably get caught on everything!"
"Well... Will you take me to Jacob?"
"Nooooooo! What do you think you're watching?! This isn't 'Lost'!"
So Red Riding Hood turns down his offer because... He's a friggin' wolf!
And everybody thinks that she's a witch because she can understand the wolf!
Which is...kinda true.
I mean, all the boys she falls in love with have hair gel years before it was invented. Gotta be something supernatural about that!
So, to lure the wolf out, they chain her to a chair and put this giant wolf mask on her.
And everybody's like, "Why is she wearing the wolf mask?"
"It's symbolic that there is a beast in all of us, even in the most beautiful of creatures!"
"And it'll look cool in the trailer."
"And...it'll look cool in the trailer."
So the wolf comes, but they get her behind a church.
Because the wolf can't enter on church grounds!
It's like the movie "Sleepy Hollow," only this one's not intentionally funny!
But the wolf bites Gary Oldman and thus they have to kill him!
"Before you die, tell me what your accent was!"
"Okay." (Mimes stabbing and dying)
So Red Riding Hood finally figures out who the werewolf was!
So she goes to grandmother's house to try and save her.
When all of a sudden, the boyfriend arrives!
And she's like, "You're the wolf!"
"No I'm not."
"Die!" (Mimes stabbing)
"Ow, you stabbed me! I still love you."
But when she makes it to grandmother's house, it turns out it wasn't the boyfriend!
It was her father!
"That's not true! That's impossible!"
"Search your feelings. You know it to be true!"
"Noooooooo!" (Simultaneously howls)
But the father's like, "Dude, you should totally be a werewolf. It's like the coolest thing ever!"
"You are invincible! ...Except for silver, churches, sharp objects... Oh, and the fact that you can't go where other people can go, and everybody's trying to kill you. ...Being a werewolf sucks!"
But then the boyfriend comes in and kills him off!
After getting bitten by him.
So Red Riding Hood is like, "You risked your life to save me, even though I stabbed you and doubted you throughout this whole movie?"
"Of course! For that is what boys do in tween girl porn!"
(Chester swoons and faints)
So the boy is like, "Well, I'm gonna run off and do my werewolf thing. But when the time is right, I will totally come back for you!"
"Oh yes! And I will wait for you!"
"I had a feeling you'd say that."
"And you'll wait for me, right?"
(Chester freezes and pauses, trying to speak)
(annoyed) "Tween girl porn!"
"Oh yes! Of course I will! Because that's what every male thinks about, only their female counterpart and nothing else! (Chester swoons) ...This is tripe."
So the boy's about to go off and live with his werewolfiness.
But suddenly, Red Riding Hood is like, "Wait a minute! We barely had a romance!"
"Most of the movie was just trying to figure out who the werewolf was. We barely even talked to each other!"
"Ooh, that's a good point! Um... Here's some collages of us making out because we forgot to put it in earlier!" (Mimes making out)
So sometime later the wolf returns and Red just looks at him, giving a seductive little smile.
And the moral of the story is...
Bestiality is okay!
I mean, they just cut to the credits before anything else happens!
What do you think they're doing?!
She's taking off his sheep's clothing!
He's riding her hood!
She's blowing his house down!
The better to eat her with!
She's taking him to grandma's house!
He's checking under her hood!
Holy smokes! I can make a book of these!
This is Chester A. Bum saying CHANGE?! Ya got change?! Aw c'mon, help a guy out, will ya?! C'mon, change!
C'mon, I can turn into a werewolf too! Just catch me without shaving for a week!