And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "Real Steel."
OH MY GOD, this is the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life!
(Says while doing uppercut punches) Spoi! Lers!
There's this guy who's Wolverine.
And he lives in the future!
Where everybody fights with Rock'Em Sock'Em-- (Is interrupted by a buzzer with the word "Stop" on-screen, then changes to "Everybody's Made That Joke.") Oh. Well, ah... Tranformers? (Buzzer sounds again, this time with the words "That One, Too.") Um... Transmorphers. (Long pause, then "Okay." appears with a ding) Alright!
And Wolverine has his robot in the South, fighting a bull.
I fought a bull once!
But it turns out Wolverine's robots aren't very good, and he owes money all over town.
So, he goes to Kate from "Lost".
"I have only one question."
"It's not about the ending to 'Lost', is it?"
"No. Can I have some money?"
"In that case, what was up with the ending to L-- (Gets punched) Ow!"
But then it turns out Wolverine has a little boy, whose mother just died.
And Wolverine is like, "I want nothing to do with you little boy who's being adopted by an incredibly rich and wealthy person who wants you very badly. (Chester pops up smiling as a cashier rings) I'll let you have him for seventy-five grand."
So Wolverine adopts the little boy, who's vocabulary is like friggin' incredible!
I'm serious, this kid is way too smart for an 11 year old.
He says words like, (in little kid voice) "Antidisen... Antidisent..." (Keeps trying to say it)
(frustrated) Words that I can't!
So they go into a junkyard stealing parts for their robots.
And they come across this adorable robot with a stitched-up smile.
"I'm off to see the wizard to get some brains."
"You mean a heart?"
"Right. Everyone else needs the brains."
So the kid goes up to the broken down robot and is like, "Are you alive?"
"No, but the movie's gonna act like I am."
"Because nobody likes rooting for a toaster in the climax."
So they call the machine Adam and put him in all these fights.
And the kid becomes Adam's manager!
(talking fast) "I want him in the main event, you hear me? Not the second event, the main event! This is greatest ever you'll ever see in your entire life!" (Continues on in the background during the following part)
And Wolverine is like, "Why aren't I grounding this kid?"
And the other managers are like, "Why are we listening to this kid?"
So Adam starts winning all of these fights.
But it turns out they want him to go up against the ultimate champion, Zeus!
But, unfortunately, Zeus is run by Drago and that Russian chick!
Oh, sorry, wrong movie. Zeus is run by an Asian guy and...that Russian chick!
(In Asian accent) "As you can see, anything Zeus touches, he destroys."
"Er, wrong movie!" (nudges)
(In Asian accent) "Oh yes, that's right, that's right. As you can see, anything Zeus sees, he kills." (Chester nods in approval and gives thumbs up)
(In Asian accent) "Yes, that was totally different."
But the kid grabs the microphone after the fight, because he's friggin' nuts.
And he challenges Zeus to a fight!
"F*** you! F*** you!"
(In Asian accent) "F*** you!"
"No, seriously, f*** you!"
(In Asian accent) "No, seriously, f*** you!"
"Does this mean we have a fight?"
(In Asian accent) "Yes. No! Shit."
But it turns out Wolverine is giving the kid back to his legal guardians.
And Wolverine is like, "It's better for you this way. I'm a bad father."
And the kid is like, "Look, just because you're a bad father doesn't mean you're a bad father. (pause) I wanna see robots fight!"
But then Wolverine is like, (comes back) "You know, having a big, cliched, cheesy climax isn't the same if there isn't a little boy crying in the audience."
"With an obnoxious vocabulary!"
(rolls eyes) "Yes, with an obnoxious vocabulary."
(does devil horns) "Awesooommee!"
So everybody in the final battle thinks that Adam is gonna get his ass kicked.
But what a surprise, he gets his ass kicked!
(while being punched repeatedly) "Ow! My only crime...was trying to love!"
And just when it looks like he's down for the count, Adam gets the energy to get back up!
Through a back-up battery?
Some sort of internal hard drive that will boot up in case anything went wrong?
Nooo, through willpower!
"Johnny Number 5 is alive!"
Yes, we're sort of vaguely saying that!
So the Asian guy is like, (in Asian accent) "I must break you. (Chester frantically nudges) Oh, I mean... (shakes fist) Grrr!" (Chester nervously gives thumbs up)
So Adam (mimicking Stallone) goes the distance, (normal voice) and makes it through all the rounds, and even manages to knock Zeus out.
But, in the end, adding up all the points, it looks like Zeus wins.
And the audience is like, "Boo! Go back Russ-Asia!"
But the Russian lady, who is obviously terrible at PR, says, "We won! We won! You stupid- Suck it!" (Makes blowjob gesture)
But the announcer is like, "Little boy with obnoxious vocabulary, what's it like to be the people's champion?"
(mimes taking mic) "I have no clever line to respond to that!"
So, as you can tell, "Real Steel" is a...real steal!
If you like "Transmorphers", which I never saw, you're absolutely gonna love "Real Steel".
I know! I'm high!
This is Chester A. Bum saying CHANGE?! Ya got change?! Aw c'mon, help a guy out, will ya?! C'mon, change!
Well, can you at least buy me a copy of "Transmorphers"? I hear it's the best rip-off of "Kung Fu Panda"!