Rapsittie Street Kids: Believe in Santa
(Throughout this video, we will see clippings of the movie during the voiceover segments. If you see character names with speaking parts, we're back in the movie)
Phelous - Rapsittie Street Kids: Believe in Santa. I dug into the history of how this came about...and I still don't understand WHY! (cue Nicole's Best Kid in the World)
Phelous - The Rapsittie Street Kids aired on The WB channel back in 2002. (beat) Let me repeat that: this thing ACTUALLY AIRED ON TELEVISION! (beat) Which probably ruined the Christmas of, like, the five people that managed to catch it.
Phelous(vo) - At best this 3D abomination looks like a rough animatic of sorts, to give the real animators an idea of how the action should go. But instead of giving us a cartoon that resembles...well, a cartoon, we have this: (cue clip of Silent Hill game)
Harry Mason from Silent Hill - A world of someone's nightmarish delusions come to life.
(back to Phelous) Phelous - I don't think that line has ever been more fitting.
Phelous(vo) - The tale of how this barely animated 3D special came about and likely pulled in most of its voice cast, is quite the strange one, and hard to 100% confirm. According to the daughter of one of the creators of this J Rose Productions, her father dumped around $500,000 into this special. But I'm sure this movie had more in its budget from Nancy Cartwright.
Phelous - (in Bart voice) Don't have a 3D zombie-robot cow, man!
Phelous(vo) - J Rose Productions got involved with Colin Slater, who would end up being the director, one of the writers, and producers. And apparently, J Rose just left almost everything up to him and his Wolf Tracer company, and didn't look at any of the animation after seeing the concept art. So this left them to be quite surprised at how horrid the final product was upon its TV airing.
Phelous - Alright, that really sucks for them, but they really should checked on the animation at SOME point! I mean, at least Foodfight had the excuse of having most of its original animation stolen first!
Phelous(vo) - Much like Foodfight, this is a cast that seems like it shouldn't be attached to an animation that looks like it was made by some kids who barely passed their 3D animation course.
Phelous - And I'm sure that's where the majority of the budget for this film went! ...whatever it actually was.
Phelous(vo) - Most notably, we have Walter Jones, who was the Black Ranger, voicing Ricky; Mark Hamill, who most of you probably know as the cop at the beginning of Sleepwalkers, as Eric; Paige O'Hara, who was Belle in Disney's Beauty and the Beast, as Nicole, which is rather interesting, as she rarely does much that isn't reprising Belle.
Phelous - And I'm sure if Paige O'Hara actually managed to see the special back when it aired, she said "Yup! Definitely only voicing Belle from now on!"
Phelous(vo) - ...except for Angela in Enchanted. And we didn't just have Disney Princess in this, as Jodi Benson, voice of Ariel, is Lenee.
Phelous - You might also be super-shocked to hear that they get Jodi Benson and Paige O'Hara to both sing a song in this.
Phelous(vo) - But probably most of all, we got Clint Howard as Tug. (cue Space Rangers clip)
Clint in Space Rangers - Wow! You guys gotta try this! (CANCELED!) (this was a show that got cancelled after four episodes) (back to Phelous)
Phelous(vo) - Oh yeah, and Nancy Cartwright, who a couple of you might have heard in The Simpsons before, voicing Todd.
Phelous - And Nancy Cartwright was also one of the producers on this, which is probably how they were able to get the majority of this voice cast.
Phelous(vo) - As Nancy Cartwright and Colin Slater both have ties to Scientology, that's probably how he got her involved, and then she used her connections to get most of the actors. That seems to be the best guess of why this happened, anyway.
Phelous - And now, let's get into how we even have a copy of this stupid movie to talk about these days!
Phelous(vo) - As Rapsittie Street Kids has never gotten a release past its original WB airings, and as far I know, no one bothered to record it off TV back then, it was lost for quite a few years. Until the founder of The Lost Media Wiki, Dycaite, contacted Colin Slater about getting a copy.
Phelous - Which he provided! ...Eventually.
Phelous(vo) - After apparently charging him DOUBLE what he originally said it would, disappearing for a while, telling him he couldn't give it to him, but was gonna keep the money anyway, Colin Slater eventually gave Dycaite what he paid for.
Phelous - ...after being called out on it a few more times.
Phelous(vo) - Colin Slater only has one other credit to his name on IMDb, which is for Wolf Tracer's Dinosaur Island. Guess they were really proud of that one. I mean, why WOULDN'T they be?? This one ALSO has Mark Hamill in it.
Phelous - I'm guessing Hamill recorded for both these movies around the same time. Y'know, before he could actually see what they looked like.
Phelous(vo) - I just love imagining what any of the cast thought when they saw the fruits of their labors on this. I mean, if they actually managed to catch it before it disappeared for years. Now before we finally get into the movie proper, I want to bring up the deluded website for the special, which said of it: "Every now and then, an animated program comes along that seems destined to become a classic. The Rapsittie Street Kids franchise is such a project."
Phelous - WOW! Someone had high hopes for this! That's sad!
Phelous(vo) - (stiltedly): The Rapsittie Street Kids franchise will go on to be the biggest franchise like the Birdemic franchise. (WAH-wah!) (normal) Now, even though the final movie looks like animation that was never finished, believe it or not, there was actually animation tests for this! And part of these tests, which were part of a demo reel, were the only proof of this movie's existence for a while. And it actually looks a little bit better than the final product, as it's way blurrier, so you can't see its awfulness quite as well. Besides that, some of the character models are noticeably different. The main character, Ricky, had short hair; Stupid Scarf Kid didn't have his scarf; Paige O'Hara's Nicole character was redesigned a bit, including that she now wore crop tops in the middle of winter. Also, she used to know how to fly. Well, I guess she's still kinda did in the final; just didn't get quite as much air time.
Phelous - She still had absolutely NO weight to her, though! Of course, NOTHING in this movie seems to have weight.
Phelous(vo) - Another interesting fact from the earlier, less bug-eyed but certainly more evil-eyed, version of this special, was that they were named the Bash Street Kids instead of the Rhapsody-Spelt-All-Stupid-Like Kids.
(cue clip of movie) Ricky - (rapping) Electronic toys, video games, balls and bats. I saw a scooter with a motor that was flat.
(back to Phelous) Phelous - OH. He RAPS. Good one.
Phelous(vo) - There's a comic that featured the Bash Street Kids, though, which is the most likely reason for the name change.
Phelous - So, before this movie even starts properly, we're hit by a sea of incompetent stupid!
Phelous(vo) - There's a few select elements in the movie that have interlace lines running through them, like the snowflakes in the background and the wondrous Comic Sans titles as they fly in.
Phelous - No wonder they couldn't pull off 3D animation! They couldn't even handle text flying onto the screen!
Phelous(vo) - And whenever there's a more complicated camera movement, it feels like the cameraman is drunk. Y'know, despite this being animation. (cue very odd Christmassy music that wouldn't be out of place in a Tim Burton film)
Phelous - Is this a horror movie?? The answer is "yes".
Phelous(vo) - As the special starts, a bus which may be on fire lets some kids out, including Ricky's original character model, which is not what he looks like in the so-called finished product. But watch him REALLY book it during this far shot! These kids are apparently just trying really hard to escape the movie.
Ricky - (rapping) 'Cuz all the toy stores are lookin' mighty packed.
Phelous - Yeah, sure, those clipart pine trees are absolutely seamless.
Phelous(vo) - Look at the way Ricky-Bot walks! His magic feet just dip down into the ground while he sort of floats along his path.
Outside his house... Phelous - Now let me attempt the Ricky walk here! (he attempts to do so, and succeeds) Perfect.
Phelous(vo) - Oh, look at the soulless robot trying to look at a snowflake. (robotically) DOES. NOT. COMPUTE. LOOK INTO MY DEAD EYES. MY BLINKING IS QUITE UNSETTLING. (normal) Wow, some big choices of what he could buy at the store. Clipart animals or crappy untextured 3D vehicles. Hmm. Yes, this IS a perfect shot, as it makes Ricky look like he's a pile of crap.
Phelous - I mean in the more literal sense, since everything in this movie looks, like a pile of crap at ALL times figuratively!
Phelous(vo) - "Yee [Ye] Ol' Toy Store"? Oh, shut up! Between the Photoshop filter texture roof and the jagged edges, I don't know what I love more about this place! As Ricky only has 75 cents or something, he sad-Charlie-Brown-robots his way home to his classic New York skyline poster. (Ricky kicks a basketball away) (boink!)
Phelous - So he's on the moon now?
Phelous(vo) - (as Ricky-Bot) LET ME BEND DOWN AND PICK UP THIS HU-MAN TOY.
Ricky - Mama...I miss you big.
Phelous(vo) - (as Ricky) When you were around, you'd keep my posters from growin' and movin' around my walls. Must be that damn Rita Repulsa making her monsters grow again. Also, you keep the horribly confusing camera angles away, that make it seem like your picture's on the other side of the room than where I was looking!
Ricky - You gave me this bear, 'cuz of love! So I'll give this bear, 'cuz of love.
Phelous(vo) - The animator has a nap!! Hold out, animator!! (This obscure reference has been brought to you by a Sonic CD prototype) Oh, I'm just joking. This bear floating around Ricky's fever dream is probably some of the best-looking crud in this! Anyway...that's a...pillow, is it? We're then introduced to Crapsittie Street Elementary, whose motto is "Striving for Excelence [sic]".
Phelous - Well, it never said they acheived it.
Phelous(vo) - I'm glad the elementary school is spelt with the movie's STUPID version of "Rhapsody", yet, apparently, the actual street's name spells "Rhapsody" correctly. Keep striving for that [misspelled] excelence, man!
Nicole - ...then Mommy schedules me for my own hair lady. (she gets hit by a dinosaur toy in the head)(BOI-IO-OING!) SMITHY!!!
Smithy - Hey, Nicole, duck! I mean, dinosaur! (laughing at his terrible pun)
Phelous - SO, THAT'S what's gonna pass for jokes around here, is it?! (clicks teeth) Yeah...
Todd - (sounding very familar) Let's just see what Ricky Rhymemaster can do! Haha!
Phelous(vo) - Wow, I'm glad Todd kinda sounds like...Todd.
Tug - Hey, watch me help him. Heads up, Ricky!
Phelous(vo) - I'm so glad they got Clint Howard to voice this character. Totally worth it.
Clint in Ice Cream Man - You're ice cream.
Phelous(vo) - How did they mange to find a clipart tree that looked even worse?! This one's all pixelated, and you can see part of the white background around the edges! This aired on TV???
Tug - Wow, Ricky. That's not bad.
Phelous - You just keep telling yourself that.
Todd - You're still not one of us, shrimp! (in Nelson Muntz voice) HA ha!
Phelous(vo) - Yeah, so Todd is kinda inbetween Todd Flanders and Nelson.
Ricky - Uh-oh! WHOOOOOOOAAA!!!
Phelous(vo) - (as Ricky-Bot) RICKY-BOT BREAK DOWN! (normal) He's also a giant compared to Stupid Scarf Boy.
Tug - (in voice of Clint Howard from Blubberella) Ahhhhh...fuck my donkey.
Phelous(vo) - Uuugh, their eyes are so dead and disgusting! They look like craters where hope falls in to die!
Ricky - (rapping) It's for Nicole the Honey. I know she's into money.
Smithy - Yeah, you're pretty cool, Ricky. Except for liking Nicole. Now, that's gross!
Phelous(vo) - (as Smithy) But not as gross as our clothing textures! That's real gross, MAN! (normal) And almost everyone has that same texture on their clothing.
Ms. Parmington - Class! Sit. Down. You too. Young Miss Nicole.
Phelous(vo) - What are her arms doing?
Phelous - (as Ms. Parmington) Sit. DOWN. Class! Don't. Make. Me. BREAK. Down! WHAT am I DOing?!
Phelous(vo) - (normal) Oh, and her arms are apparently hollow, and her hands just float around nothing, depending on how she turns them.
Zeke - Find the ground! Pow!
Todd - Hey, Ricky! Let me know anytime you wanna fall down again!
Phelous(vo) - (as Ricky) Hey! Why don't I knock you down by reminding you that YOU help produce this crap?
(cut to Nelson from The Simpsons pointing and laughing at a cropped pic of Todd from the movie) Nelson - HA ha! (then stops laughing) Hey...that hurts.
(back to the movie) Ricky - Can't we please give out our presents now?
Ms. Parmington - I said after recess, because *I* need a recess.
Phelous(vo) - No wonder she needs a break, she probably almost actually looked one of these kids and had a heart attack!
Phelous - ...if robots can HAVE heart attacks.
Ricky - Pleeeeease?
Ms. Parmington - I don't think your parents would appreciate (slowing down) rruunnyy nnoosseess oovveerr vvaaccaattiioonn......(bong!) (cue FAKE blue screen error that reads "Your zombie robot ran into a problem and needs to die. We're just collecting some error info, and then we'll self destruct for you. (110% complete) If you'd like to know more, you can search online later for this error: Watched Rapsittie Street Kids.") UUGGGHHH.
Phelous - Yeah, that about sums it up.
(Christmas Chimes by Jason Ebs): You say it's Christmas, bring all the cheer...
Phelous - (super-stiltedly) I! Am going to build. A SNOWman! Now! (irregular, stilted groaning) WOW!!!! So. REAL! What a good JOB I did!!
Phelous(vo) - They didn't even bother to match the styles of their clipart in this scene. Then again, there's no style to their 3D abomination models, either. Guess it got too warm for Nicole out in the falling snow, so she had to take her jacket off. (as Robo-Todd) I SHALL NOW REALISTICALLY THROW A SNOWBALL AS THE HU-MANS DO. (normal) And he DIIIIIED!!!...apparently.
(Jason Ebs): It's not the presents...
(Smithy throws a snowball at Todd, which proceeds to hit him twice somehow.) (Splat!) (Smithy laughs) (squish)
Phelous - So this was animated by alien robots who have no concept of Earth's gravity or how humans move, right?
Todd - YOU WON'T GET AWAY FROM MEEEE!!!
Phelous(vo) - That was probably Nancy Cartwright's message to everyone she contacted to be in this movie.
Tug - I'll get him for ya, Todd!
Smithy - No one can catch the Smithman!
Todd - I'll get you good, Smithy!
Outside his house... Phelous - (robotically) I. Move. Like. A. Real. Hu-man. BOOOOY!! (Christmas Chimes continuing to be too good for this special)
Tug - Got ya!
Phelous(vo) - Even though he looks quite large, Clint Howard's Tugjob character apparently weighs nothing.
Zeke - A TUG of war! Heheh! I'm betting on Smithy.
Phelous(vo) - This blue-hair surfer dude, Zeke, was voiced by J.R. Horsting. You may remember him as Borg in First Contact!
Phelous - (singy-songy-like) But probably not!
Phelous(vo) - He's also known for Robocop in Indian in the Cupboard. Which brings us to the end of his listed acting credits.
Zeke - Whoa, this reeks. I want waves, not ice./(mockingly) Get him awAAAy from meEeE.
Phelous - Hard to believe.
Phelous(vo) - I bring this guy up, though, because he was also involved in the animation and art on this movie. He also helped produce this and that other Wolf Tracer masterpiece.
Phelous - Really a jack-of-all-trades, that Zeke Borg-ocop.
Phelous(vo) - LOOK OUT! ICE ZOMBIES!!
Nicole - Watch what I can do!
Ricky - I'LL watch you, Nicole!
Phelous(vo) - Wow! What a creep. I see why Ricky is so obsessed with Nicole, though. Who could resist THAT beauty?
Phelous - I mean "Belle"!
Nicole - Come on, Lenee! Let's pretend we're famous skaters!
Phelous(vo) - I didn't know there were POWER LINES that were famous skaters. (last time we'll hear "Christmas Chimes") (Smithy laughs)
Phelous - Yeah, you see, the thing with the movement in this is that it's TOO realistic.
Smithy - Gimme back...my sammich!
Phelous(vo) - Dude, you've had that sandwich since the beginning of the day! Just hurry up and shove it up your butt, or however you eat without a mouth! (eating noises from Todd that sounds more like he's kissing the sandwich)
Phelous - Is he making out with the sandwich?
Smithy - NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Phelous(vo) - The stakes have never been lower! Anyway, this scene is OB-scene.
Smithy - You are back where you belong!
Todd - I...said...get...OFF!!!
Phelous(vo) - (as Zeke-Bot) ZEKE-BOT DESTROY. KILL ALL HUMANS. ERROR. HUMANS NOT FOUND.
Lenee - Aw, hey, that is so cool! I wish I had one.
Nicole - Here.
Lenee - *I* brought that for the grab bag, Nicole.
Phelous - I'd have thought that Belle and Ariel would have a stronger friendship than this.
Some female student - OUCH! OW! OW! Ms. Parmington, get him away from me!
Ms. Parmington - That means he likes you.
Phelous(vo) - (as Ms. Parmington) So I'm not gonna stop him if he gropes and harasses you. It means he likes you, so it's okay!
Sonic the Hedgehog from TAOSTH - That's no good!
Principal - This is such a great time of year, Ms. Parmington. How are you and our little angels doing?
Phelous(vo) - (as Principal) I'd look for myself, but I don't know HOW to actually look at them!
Lenee - I hope you have a really, really Happy Holiday.
Phelous(vo) - (as Principal) I'm having a GREAT day, because my spine seems to be broken, which means I'm getting a WONDERFUL view of the ceiling! Anyway, time for me to slowly back out of this movie and never appear again. (as Lenee) Wow! What a pointless man!
Ms. Parmington - Remember: things in order...teaches you good skills./I guess those skills come later.
Phelous - That was terrifying. Please do not attempt to show emotion EVER AGAIN!!
Phelous(vo) - Ricky then goes outside to have a minor breakdown, and Scarf Boy tries to get away after shitting his pants.
Ricky - This...is from the heart./Merry Christmas, Nicole!
Nicole - Have you lost your mind?!
Phelous(vo) - (as Ricky) I can't believe the materialistic girl didn't like the gift I gave that had sentimental value to me and not her!
Ricky - You might be smart with books, but you sure are stupid.
Phelous - IS she smart with books? Because from the looks of it, she should be a few grades ahead of you instead of being in the same class!
Phelous(vo) - Then Ricky glides himself into oncoming traffic...instead of getting that super-important bear back. Guess he didn't really care about his "dead mom" bear THAT much.
Nicole - Ricky! Who gave you that candle?
Lenee - (scoffs offendedly) That is a really mean thing to say.
Phelous - Asking who gave you a candle is MEAN??? (he is quite shocked, leading him to mouth the word "WHAT?!" silently)
Phelous(vo) - Saying she hates gifts in front of the people giving them and throwing them into the dumpster, that's SORT OF mean, but not on "inquiry about candle" levels! Now, I'D ask about why the candle is creating a giant lens flare outside the house.
Phelous - Though if I did, I have to apologize for my insensitivity.
Phelous(vo) - Oh, crap. It's the crazy grandma. She's quite MAD! [like MADtv!] (goofy laughter) Oh, good one.
Grandma - (this is the best translation) Oh uhhfewfewfew see ohohoh fewaydeyde layeeko lay de do Kids nowadays! [...Yes, that gibberish is actually what Grandma said!]
Phelous - ...Hard to argue with THAT!
Ricky - "Dear Santa, send toys to all the kids in my class, even Nicole."
Phelous - (as Ricky) Even if she turned down my boner-bear.
Ricky - "I gave her my special bear that Mama gave me before the angels took her."
Phelous - (as Ricky) They took her to a much better place, which is anywhere that isn't here.
Ricky - "Your friend, Ricky Rodgers".
Santa Phelous - "My friend, Ricky Rodgers"? I don't know any Ricky Rodgers! [crumbling paper]
Grandma - Oh mah bay mah bay sending letters.
Phelous - Well, it's nice that someone finally SOUNDS how the movie LOOKS!
Phelous(vo) - Darn. And this movie had physics down SO well before this. Guess Ricky has no peripheral vision either. Then again, he's got larger problems right now, like the air apparently turning into hard-to-move-in sludge!
Lenee - What do you think Santa will bring you this year? (Nicole laughing...while also having a spasm attack, apparently)
Phelous - Hopefully, he's gonna bring you a back brace!
Wabuu - That laughter is sooooo stupid! Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh...
Nicole - That's SO last year! I suppose the Tooth Fairy still comes for your baby teeth! (more unintentinally crazed laughter)
Phelous(vo) - Well, she's clearly possessed. Let's salt and burn her remains. (as Lenee) I wish walking wasn't such a struggle!
Phelous - Then again, she is a fish-woman.
Nicole(singing) - Look at me, look and you'll see The best kid in the world!
Phelous(vo) - Well, the song is kinda stupid, but Paige O'Hara's vocals are good, so this goes together about as well as most of the Rapsittie Kids' voice talent and its animation. [loud mechanical whirring]
Lenee's mom - Honey.......is something bothering you?
Phelous(vo) - (as Jodi Benson as Lenee) (singing) I wanna beeee...part of Santa's woooorld! (normal) Lenee's mother shows off the power of her hair clipping through her shoulder. And when you really think about it, isn't that what Christmas is really all about? Nicole finds Ricky's tell-all story to Santa in her front yard, which instantly makes her good.
Nicole - Oh no, Ricky! What have I done?
Phelous - Gotta love that sweet character development!
Grandma - EETOKVOETOSESTOEEOSTEYOUVGOTEFOREVIDENT!
Ricky - Isn't that what Santa does?
Phelous - I sure hope not!!
Grandma - OHOMPHOMPHOMPH SEE OH OH FFF FFF FOR EHH EHH EHH FOR LAY KON FLALANKO FORESDEAR OW!
Ricky - She doesn't get it.
Phelous - How could anyone not get THAT??
Grandma - OOH JEEAA ADD NO HUHH DAH CHRISTMAS! OH HO HO!
Phelous - WOW! I understand Christmas! ...because that's ALL I understood in that!
Phelous(vo) - Great-Grandma does at least give one piece of solid advice.
Ricky - How?
Grandma - ...DLIIIINNGGG!
Smithy - We're looking for Ricky's bear.
Nicole - I've got to find it!
Tug - The poor little princess has turned into a garbage man!
Nicole - (as Bart Simpson) I know you are, but what am I?
Todd - (as Shelby) A garbage man.
Nicole - (as Bart Simpson) Oh, I know you are, but what am I?
Todd - (as Shelby) A garbage man!
[That Space Rangers clip again voiced by Tug] - Wow! you guys gotta try this! [CANCELLED!] [boys laughing]
Phelous - You know I never HOPED to see a sillier laugh animation than Dingo, but Rapsittie Street Kids' "break your back" laugh might have "hee hee hee" beat!
Tug - Don't forget to take a bath before Christmas.
Phelous(vo) - (as Tug) Otherwise, your body might rot away like mine!
Tug - You girls stink enough as it is!
Todd - Come on, let's get out her before someone sees us with them...or...SMELLS us with them! (as Adult Nelson) Smell you later!
Smithy - Those guys are so lame.
Phelous(vo) - Almost as lame as carrying a sandwich around for DAYS, which both Scarf Boy and Brat Simpson have made out with at this point!
[Smithy imitates door creaking] [girls scream]
Smithy - Heh-hah! I love creepin' out creepy girls!
Phelous - In a town full of creeps, you are the creepiest! Guess that's SOMEthing to be proud of...
Smithy - I can SO blackmail you guys!
Phelous(vo) - So this is when they decide to kill him, and see if anyone can tell the difference between a living and dead person in this horrid little universe, right?
Lenee - Do you want to find the bear or not?
Phelous(vo) - I don't know, do any of you? Unless your school brings its garbage into the basement, I don't think you're looking in the right spot!
Phelous - Then again, I don't know if I could really put that past these people.
Todd and Zeke - BLEEEEEAAAAHHH!!!! [Smithy and the girls scream]
[thud] Todd - Ow!
Phelous(vo) - Oh, no. He made Toddson Muntz break his own arm and bleed his own blood.
After catching his sandwich... Smithy - Yes! I saved you again, my friend!
Phelous - This guy needs help! ...or to be put down.
Zeke - Stinky Smithy chasing his skating sammich! (more back-breaking laughter)
Back outside at his house... [doofy laughter from Phelous] Phelous - Aaah! Ow.
Phelous(vo) - Next place to check for garbage after your school's basement is apparently the junkyard. You don't TYPICALLY see regular garbage mixed in vehicles, but hey, there is a toilet in there, so maybe they should stick their head in it to see if the bear's in there! Or if Ricky's in there. A couple guard dogs then remember that they exist, so that our heroes can show off the fact that the animators have never bothered to see what someone running looks like in their lives! (as Smithy) Sandwich! I choose YOU!!
[dogs yipping] [Nicole and Lenee laughing] Lenee - Oh, look! There it is!
Phelous(vo) - The one random piece of smaller garbage in this entire place! We sure are lucky!
Smithy - Now is not the time to be a girl!
Phelous - Can you get hung by your scarf, please?
Phelous - Thank you! Thankssssssssssssssssssss...
Phelous(vo) - (as Smithy) We gotta super-choppy our way out of here!...even though I thought we just escaped the junkyard/landfill! Plus we probably could've just left through the opening we came in from! (as Nicole-Bot) LET ME PASS YOU THIS BEAR IN A MANNER A HUMAN TOTALLY WOULD!
Ricky - Nicole...This was a gift for you.
Nicole - But...doesn't it mean a lot to you?
Ricky - Yes, and so does...friendship.
Phelous(vo) - (as Ricky) I hated my mom; that's why I'm just using this crap bear to try and score some points with you! I mean, really! You think me droppin' my letter on YOUR yard was an accident? COME ON!! That is so obvious! I mean, if we don't hook up soon, I'm gonna get so desperate, I'm gonna have to use a sex do- Oh. Oh, sorry. I forgot what you were for a second, Nicole. (normal) Back at Lenee's house, we see the gift both her parents are hoping to get for Christmas this year is to have some feet.
Lenee's grandma - I can remember YOU, Robert. As a little boy, you had such a hard time falling asleep on Christmas Eve.
Phelous - (as Robert) WOW! That sure is a generic story! Thanks, Mom!
Phelous(vo) - (normal) Anyway, I think Robert just DIED and is just kinda swaying in the wind. (as Robert) Hey,daughter! What's the matter? You not enjoying your empty cavernous room? (normal) And this is for those of you who weren't grossed out enough by the disgusting blinking in this movie: [SQUELCH!] [SQUELCH!] [slowed-down SQUELCH!] He has no eyelids, and he must blink.
Robert - Santa's on his way. Do you see Santa?
Phelous(vo) - (as Lenee) Oh. I knew Santa was a mass of liquid droplets in the sky. I finally believe in him, or something.
Phelous - Guess that was a plot point...
Lenee(singing) - And there will always be a Santa, if I believe in Santa. Daddy, tell me you believe in Santa, too.
Phelous(vo) - (as Lenee) Also, do you believe in the rest of my legs? I want them to be real, too! [glitchy sound effect] (as Robert) Here you go, honey! [doofy laughter that devolves into hacking coughs]
Phelous - (sorta-singing) This movie doesn't deserve to have these people, toooooo!
Nicole - It's Christmas! [gunshots]
Nicole's mom - By the time I got out of the mall, the cleaners had already closed. So *I* bought you a new suit.
Phelous(vo) - Glad she just TOLD him what his crappy lazy present was. Sure, he could've OPENED it, but why put the animators through all that work when they put in such a good job already?
Eric - No surprises there; that's how I get most of my suits! (laughing)
Phelous - Well, it took 'til over 33 minutes into it, but we finally got Mark Hamill in his big role! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyy...
Phelous(vo) - Hamill's character is a really interesting one, too, because he doesn't know how to move his arms from his hips. He seriously stays in this pose for the entire scene.
Nicole - Merry Christmas!
Phelous(vo) - (as Nicole) I asked Santa that I'd be able to look you guys in the eyes this year. Guess he failed me again!
Eric - Oh-ho, our princess has my good looks, and your spending habits.
Phelous(vo) - (as Eric) She truly is The Last Jedi, and maybe she should be the last. [lightsaber turns on] (as Nicole) DADDY, NOOOOO!!!!! [whoosh] [splut!]
Nicole - This is what Ricky asked Santa for. Mommy! Daddy! May I go visit a friend?
Phelous(vo) - (as Nicole) I opened ONE of my presents on ONE side of it only, as the kids do! I'm done!
[cue "Ba-Dum, Ba-Dum" by Major Ursus (A&W's Canadian advertising theme)]
Nicole - [panting] Santa made a terrible mistake. So I ran over here as fast as I could.
Phelous(vo) - Seen here: her going as FAST as she could. But thankfully, Ricky got his Videobox! Now he can creepily smile at it, 'cuz that's what you do with the Videoboxes! Now you might think that the Videobox is a game console, but I'm pretty sure it's just a VCR from the looks of it.
Phelous - (Wabuu voice) well, I've got the perfect tape for him to pop in! Heh heh heh heh heh he--(normal) Oops, I mean...AH-HA-HA--Aaooohhh! Ow, my back...
Phelous(vo) - No wonder Nicole gave that to him. Merry Crap-mas!
Lenee's mom - I think I see something in the backyard.
Phelous(vo) - Now here's a question that never gets answered: is this supposed to be a real pony or not? They don't ever interact with it, so you never really get to know. Now, in most cartoons, it looking completely dead and not moving would be your answer to this question...
Phelous - ...but not in Rapsittie Street Kids! It truly is the gift that keeps on giving.
Phelous(vo) - Lenee probably asked for a skirt not made of tissue paper for Christmas, but that'd be too practical, so she didn't get it.
Ricky - Belief in Santa is where we start, but what matters is what's in our heart!
Nicole - I believe in Santa!
Santa Phelous - Oh ho ho ho! You know, you kids believing in me makes me less real, so SCREW OFF!
Suddenly Coherent Grandma - Do you know what, Nicole? I never stopped believing in Santa!
Phelous - What the hell?! I could understand that!! Is she becoming more intelligible, or am I just losing my mind??? Probably a little of both.
Grandma - DOH HUH HUH OOHH HUGH HEYAA HOHWIKI WITHSERANY CHRISTMAS! OHHOHOHO!
Ricky - Great-Grandma, you always know just what to say!
Phelous - I guess! since you can pretend she said whatever you want!
Phelous(vo) - I think Nicole's mother has the correct response to Great-Grandma on her face!
Smithy - Hey! What's that? [sleigh bells jingling] Wow!
Phelous(vo) - Wow, it's the shadow of clipart Santa on his sleigh!
Phelous - I do believe in clipart!! I DO believe in clipart!!! [sleigh bells jingling] No, not anymore.
Eric - I am so proud of you, Princess.
Phelous(vo) - (as Eric) You broke your neck for me, and that's all I really wanted for Christmas. (normal) DEAD! The end!
Phelous - What a delightful little special. I think I just died inside.
Phelous(vo) - The credits let us know that there was a soundtrack CD available, which apparently WAS released, but it doesn't really show its ties to the Rapsittie Street Kids. As the CD was called "Through a Child's Eyes", but there is an old archived site that does link this CD to the Rapsittie Street Kids.
Jenna(vo) - My name is Jenna, and I'll be with the Easter Bunny!
Phelous - LIKE HELL YOU WILL!!!
Phelous(vo) - The massive success of this special resulted in the immediate cancellation of the Rapsittie Street Kids' Easter follow-up. And it is a real shame we don't get to see the story of JENNA. You now, Lenee's sister. I was truly wondering what HER deal was!
Phelous - It was ballsy of them to declare that there'd be a sequel, given what they produced here!
Phelous(vo) - It's ALMOST like putting all your money into the voice cast, and leaving NOTHING for anything else was a bad idea or something! Because then all you're left with is some decent voice work in some spots on top of crap! And no one's gonna want to watch that unless they want to stare into the eyes of the abyss!
Phelous - Or get a good laugh at how incompetent it is, but I think we can all agree: Ohhh, fyeffyuf frufuf gnoho nohio noho! CHRISTMAS!!! Oh-ho! Now where'd this movie get that candle? Oh--DAMMIT!! I went TOO FAR!! RIGHT AT THE END!!!
[cue "Oh Phelous (Spectre version)" By Mark Palenik as the credits roll for the review]
I don't like this movie
Doesn't seem too friendly
These monsters seem so fake
My nerves, they're gonna bre-ee-eak
Phelous, don't let me down
You need to be aaa-round
Grab that running 1-up
And blast that thing a new one
Outside Phelous's house...
Phelous - [more Great-Grandma-style gibberish] --Christmas!! GnohOOOoOO!-- [inhales] You know, I don't think a wolf traced any of this. A wolf would do a better job.