Rapsittie Street Kids: Believe in Santa
December 5, 2017
(We cold-open IN SPAAAAACE! Suddenly, an explosion occurs and a spacecraft is seen zooming through the cosmos. Inside are the Nostalgia Critic, Malcolm and Tamara, and it's adorned with Christmas trappings)
Malcolm: My God! I didn't think you needed to travel to another dimension to prove your love of Christmas.
NC: Well, this is said to be the dimension that loves Christmas the most, and I had to let my love of this holiday destroy them all! (smiles a rather crazed smile) Nobody loves Christmas more than me...to death!
Tamara: My God, we may have missed one.
(On the dashboard, a warning flashes on, reading "INTRUDER DETECTED")
NC: The last of the Christmassians!
Malcolm: It has to be!
Tamara: There's only one way to defeat it.
(They get up from their seats. Malcolm and Tamara wield enormous guns and NC holds a huge sword whose handle resembles a Christmas tree)
NC: (grimly) Let's deck some ass.
(Next scene: they are in the bowels of a spaceship. Suddenly, they gasp as they look up in shock)
Tamara: My God, it's the Christmassian Queen!
(They see before them a giant skeleton thing with candy cane horns and a candy cane-looking tail with a huge snowball-looking tip on the end. It growls menacingly)
Malcolm: My God, it's doubled in size! (the Christmassian Queen roars)
NC: My God... I thought this was gonna be a challenge.
(The Christmassian Queen roars again as the trio hold up their weapons to fight! It roars again)
Tamara: My God, she's gonna breathe presents on us!
(With a roar, she does indeed breathe presents at them – a stream of holiday-themed chainsaws! The trio all dive for cover as the saws descend on them)
NC: Yuletide chainsaws! (looks up) Clever girl.
(Malcolm and Tamara unleash a barrage of bullets from their guns at the Christmassian Queen, only for her to breathe bullets (gift-wrapped, yet) at them! They hit the two and knock them to the ground)
Tamara: She's spitting gift-wrapped bullets at us! Genius bitch, it's just what I wanted!
Malcolm: (noticing the tiny bows on the bullets) How did she manage to get bows so small?
(The Christmassian Queen roars)
Tamara: Oh, no! She's gonna finish us off with a holiday flamethrower!
Malcolm: Just like on my Amazon wish list.
Tamara: Me, too.
(The Queen roars again, but NC steps out in front of her, with a grim look on his face)
NC: Baby, (raises his sword) you've messed with the wrong holiday.
(With that, he leaps, spinning, at the Christmassian Queen and manages to slash her body, spurting out blood. He spins around and then leaps in the air, his sword aimed directly at the Queen, blade tip first. Then, while in the air, he dives flat-out at her, his sword poised to deliver the coup de grace!)
(He dives down the Christmassian Queen's throat. Inside her body, he delivers multiple sword slashes that all spurt blood out of her. She lets out one more roar and her tail makes a rattling sound, before falling down and breathing her last. Malcolm and Tamara watch in concern, thinking that their colleague is dead. But suddenly, with a yell, NC emerges with the slash of his sword, holding his sword in one hand and a bone in the other. A chunk of organ is wrapped around his neck. Still yelling, NC repeatedly slashes at the remains of the Christmassian Queen's body while singing Jingle Bells, and Malcolm and Tamara join in by unloading bullets from their guns into her body. In doing so, they are covered in blood. Next scene: they are back in their own spacecraft, completely covered in blood. They sit in solemn silence, until NC, whose glasses are missing, finally breaks the silence with a nod of his head and a look of shame)
NC: (solemnly) I think we should stop trying to top ourselves every year with the Christmas greetings. (blinks eyes) Getting a little out of hand.
NC: (blinking eyes repeatedly and looking sad) I think that thing was pregnant. So we get to live with that.
(The trio continue in silence a little longer, before we get to the NC 2017 title sequence)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Well, as many of you know, I've reviewed what I consider the worst Christmas special ever, The Christmas Tree.
(Various shots of this special are shown)
NC (vo): With its lack of effort, caring, and complete disinterest in everything Christmas, it was by far the worst Christmas special I had ever seen.
NC: But the Internet said, "Hold my beer," and apparently found a Christmas special even worse. That is supposed to be Rapsittie Street Kids: Believe in Santa.
(The title of the special is shown, before going to its clips that show the animation is...horrendous. That is to say, the backgrounds are pretty lame, the characters are looking like the Lego figures and move very sloppily)
NC (vo): Getting a reputation as the Foodfight! of Christmas specials, this CD abomination aired once in 2002 and then never aired again. Yeah, 2002.
NC: To give you an idea, the show ReBoot came out in 1994 and every week...
NC (vo): ...had this quality to it.
(The clips from the intro of ReBoot, the very first CGI TV show, are shown. Yeah, the animation is far from great, but it's definitely an achievement for 1994: the character models are smooth and it has some nice effects. Back to Rapsittie Street Kids)
NC (vo): This is eight years later and aired once! They look more like the ReBoot characters' sex dolls than anything from an evolved art form!
NC: But, big deal. Shitty low-budget project made shitty low-budget shit. Well, the voice cast is anything but low-budget.
(The pictures of the famous people NC lists are shown)
NC (vo): It includes Luke Skywalker, Mark Hamill; Princess Ariel, Jodi Benson; Princess Belle, Paige O'Hara; Azula, Grey DeLisle; black Power Ranger, Walter Jones; MADtv's Debra Wilson, and even Bart Simpson, Nancy Cartwright, who also has a producing credit on it! A goddamn producing credit!
NC: (shifts eyes) Did...did everyone forget this guy accepts a lot of blame? (The name "Alan Smithee" appears in yellow)
NC (vo): How did this happen? How did this make it to air? How did they get all these people involved? Well, surely, there must be something that... There must just be something! Anything! God!
NC: Am I wrong, or did I have my soul horrendously sucked out of me?
(NC's soul casually passes by, walking through NC himself)
NC's Soul: Later.
NC: Miss you. This is Rapsittie Street Kids: Believe in Santa.
(We open on the panoramic view of Rosetown Falls to a harp ding)
NC (vo): Oh, look! South Park's animation somehow managed to get cheaper.
(As the opening credits roll (written in Comic Sans, no less), the whimsical synth music plays out)
NC (vo): Yeah, music by...
NC: "I'm totally Danny Elfman, everybody! I'm totally Danny Elfman!"
NC (vo): Thus, we see one of our main characters walking home.
(As we are shown the kid named Ricky "walking" on the sidewalk, the drips of red blood start tricking down the screen)
Ricky (Walter Jones): (rapping) It was the week before Christmas that I'm talkin' / I spent the day shopping with my grandma walkin'
NC: Now, don't be alarmed by the red that you're seeing. It's just your eyes bleeding from watching the animation. Fear not, you don't get used to it. (smiles)
NC (vo): This render that didn't quite make it to the recycling bin is named Ricky. (Or Rick. E, as the end credits say, but who cares) He's just dropping some mad hits on his way home from school.
Ricky: (rapping) I've been a good boy through the year, you better know it / You ready, Santa Claus, to start decking the halls with gifts?
NC: And, yes, eager viewer I know is dying to ask, he does rap all throughout the entire special.
Ricky: (rapping in different scenes) It's for Nicole, the honey. I know she's into money. / I'm a decorating master, no one is faster. / Smithy's small and round, he's closest to the ground. / One, two, three is all I see. / If you wanna know what you can trust, is that Santa believes in us. / I've been told this time of year is forgivin'...
NC: Oh, trust me, there's no (finger quotes) "forgiving" in any of this.
NC (vo): Hey, look. He leaves no footprints in the snow.
NC: (with arms akimbo) Well, that's a detail I'm surprised they left out!
NC (vo): After snapping his neck from looking up...
(Looking at the falling snowflake, Ricky raises his head, and the "neck cracking" sound effect is heard)
NC (vo): ...he gets the smile of a serial killer, looking at all the toys in the store.
(Ricky gets out his pocket money, and that's just three coins)
Ricky: One, two, three, and no more.
NC: Aw. He was looking down at the animation budget. (Beat) Actually, it's higher than I expected.
NC (vo): He eventually goes home to look at his teddy bear. His mom gave him this bear 'cause of love, so he'll give this bear 'cause of love.
NC: I have no idea what that means, but that is literally the dialogue!
(Ricky is shown at his room looking at his mother's picture and holding his teddy bear)
Ricky: Mama, you gave me this bear 'cause of love. So I'll give this bear 'cause of love.
NC: Don't worry, though; the visuals explain it better.
(Ricky's vision of giving his teddy bear to another girl named Nicole is, of course, sloppily animated, with the teddy just floating around Nicole. Ricky sighs dreamily)
NC: Well, that cleared everything up!
(The Rapsittie St. Elementary is shown. On its sign, there is a motto "Striving for Excelence" (yes, that's how it's spelled))
NC (vo): The next day, he goes to school. A school that misspelled the word "excellence".
NC: Isn't that a friggin' metaphor?! You can't spell "excellence", you can't achieve excellence!
(One of Donald Trump's Tweets from the previous year with the word "waite" (it's correct now, by the way) slides from the right side. The caption "Side joke?" pops up)
NC: Nah, too easy. (The Tweet slides back)
NC (vo): Inside the school, I guess...this is going on.
(One of the boys named Smithy (who's wearing red scarf) throws a dinosaur figurine on Nicole. She isn't seeing that and talking with two other girls)
Nicole (Paige O'Hara): Then Mommy schedules me for my own hair lady. (gets hit) Smithy!
Smithy (Eddie Driscoll): Hey, Nicole, duck! I mean, dinosaur! (laughs)
(NC just watches)
NC: Anyone else getting a feeling this was a student's final project for an intro to 3D animation class? (Beat) One that had a great big F on it?!
Smithy: I thought I'd just give it some extra fluff. I guess the pressure to bug you is just too much for me to resist.
NC: (hand on cheek) You know, the animation's so bad, I'm seriously debating whether or not that's supposed to be...
NC (vo): ...a scarf or his lips.
(Three bullies, Zeke, Todd and Tug, walk into the classroom)
Zeke (J. R. Horsting): Come on. Ricky's gonna decorate the tree.
Todd (Nancy Cartwright): (speaking in a non-tough voice) Let's just see what Ricky the Rhyme Master can do! (snickers)
NC: (covering his ears) It's actually impressive how much that voice doesn't match.
NC (vo): I think it actually took effort to get that wrong. Maybe the only effort put into any of this.
Todd: (keeping Smithy's sandwich away from him) Ah, come on, Smithy! Didn't your mommy teach you to share?
NC: I mean...make no mistake, everybody in this special should sound like...
Blocky Man (audio, overdubbed over Todd): WE ARE NINTENDO. YOU CANNOT BEAT US.
NC: But that still seemed particularly off.
(Ricky is decorating, or rather throwing decorations onto, the Christmas tree)
Ricky: (still rapping) I'm a decorating master, no one is faster. Don't you know? I'm a Christmas tree blaster.
NC: Hmm, those rhymes are pretty revolutionary. However, have you thought about considering...
NC (vo; as Ricky, rapping): I'm a butt-ugly taint made of Microsoft Paint. Here is shit-covered tampons that'll make your ass faint.
NC: Just rappin' from the heart.
NC (vo): They go to their homeroom, taught by a malfunctioning Hall of Presidents animatronic.
Ms. Parmington (Sarina C. Grant): Now sit down, please.
NC: (as a student) We can't. They don't know how to animate that yet.
NC (vo): Oh, I'm not kidding, they never do sit down. Time passes, and they're already standing before recess. It really was too hard to animate them sitting down!
NC: (leaning in) Except the creepy...
(The camera zooms in on a random grown-up sitting at the back of the room doing nothing. Creepy music starts playing)
NC (vo): ...random adult who seems to be sitting there stone cold the whole time.
NC: He just likes to watch.
(The bell rings)
Ms. Parmington: Remember, come in promptly at the bell.
Ricky: (the lip movements not matching his speech) Teacher, don't you worry. Be right back in a hurry.
NC: (as Ricky) Though my lip movements will be awfully blurry.
(The kids are shown having fun outside)
NC (vo): Oh, I take it back. Sitting down isn't the hardest thing to animate. It's circles. Goddamn circles! The first thing you learn to animate in CGI class!! (Smithy throws the snowball at Todd. Just like everything in this, it's animated really bad) But look at them! They look like flat cutouts! And even the flat cutouts don't have the shape of a full circle!
(Smithy is shown running away from Tug, both having thrown their arms out)
Smithy: No one can catch the Smithman!
Tug (Clint Howard): I'm gaining on you, Smithy!
NC: (as Tug) Right after we're done reenacting...
NC (vo): ...Rose on the bow of the Titanic!
NC: (throws arms out, smiling) We're so alive!
Zeke: (walking across the frozen pond) Whoa, this reeks. I want waves, not ice. Surfing stinks on ice.
NC: That sad moment you realize they could have made a superior movie by just...
NC (vo): ...playing The Sims and talking over it.
NC: I think (cover of...) the Deluxe Edition will come out about now.
(Back in the classroom, Todd steals Smithy's sandwich)
NC (vo): But one of the boys named Smithy is really attached to his sandwich!
NC: (nodding and grinning) That equals development now!
(Todd sucks on Smithy's foot-long sandwich, making joyful sounds)
(He leaps on Todd and sits on him. Sandwich is sticking out of Smithy's mouth)
Smithy: (mouth full) You are back where you belong.
Todd: I said, get off!
NC: (massages his forehead) Okay, if you focus any longer on that sandwich, we're gonna start making phallic connections. (Pause) You already are...
NC (vo): ...aren't you?
(The scene of Todd sucking on a sandwich is shown again)
NC: GOD, this special's bad!
Female Student (Nancy Cartwright): (of Zeke) Ms. Parmington, get him away from me!
Zeke: (mockingly) "Get him away from me!"
Ms. Parmington: That means he likes you.
NC (vo): Oh, that's the same school Al Franken went to.
(The school's black-skinned principal comes in)
Principal (Robert Machray): This is such a great time of year, Ms. Parmington.
Lenee (Jodi Benson): Hello, sir. I hope you have a really, really happy holiday.
Principal: Why, thank you, Lenee.
NC (vo; as the principal, in a robotic tone): Morgan Freeman-Bot destroy you all with laser arms. Oh, I mean, uh, happy holidays.
Ms. Parmington: I know that my family is just going to spoil me rotten to the core.
Principal: Well, I, uh...
Ms. Parmington: As it's been another wonderful year in the Parmington household. Ha-ha!
Principal: (slowly backing away, leaving the room) Yes, ma'am.
Students: (offscreen) Merry Christmas!
NC: (swinging head left and right, singing to the tune of "Money for Nothing" by Dire Straits) I want my, I want my, I want my (takes out a...) M60! (And he shoots from it wildly)
Ms. Parmington: Okay, children, I wish you all a wonderful holiday. Now, please clean up your area before you leave.
NC: (as Ms. Parmington) And don't forget to blink. Please try to blink at least once over the holidays.
(The classroom is empty, except for some white papers flying around)
Ms. Parmington: Yeah, yeah, yeah...
NC: Ah, geez.
NC (vo): The maxi pads have taken flight again.
NC: Women problems. Am I right, ladies?
Ms. Parmington: I guess those skills come later. (smiles)
NC: Ah, now it's time to play what pops up very frequently in this special...
(The following text appears)
NC (vo): Drunk Face or Kill Face?
(Tamara and Malcolm rush in to NC and start chanting excitedly at the same time while NC thinks. Tamara says it's a drunk face, while Malcolm states it's a kill face, and the shot of Ms. Parmington smiling is shown two times)
NC: I'm gonna say...drunk face. (CORRECT!) Yeah! I got it right!
Tamara: Speaking of which... (brings out some booze) Why haven't we started on ours?
NC: (takes out his whiskey flask) Yeah, that's a really valid point.
(Malcolm, in turn, takes out his bottle of soda, and all three start drinking)
NC (vo; sighs): So, 13 minutes into this 40-minute special, and you notice something missing?
NC: It starts with "P", and it's plot. There is no plot.
NC (vo): Nothing seems to be going on, aside from us trying to figure out if this was a troll movie or a mob front.
NC: I'd strangely have respect if it was both.
NC (vo): Finally, the poorly-rendered wheels of storytelling are in motion, as Ricky gives Nicole his teddy bear.
(To a harp glissando, Ricky takes out his teddy, much to Nicole's surprise)
Ricky: Merry Christmas, Nicole!
Nicole: (takes it) Have you lost your mind?! Are you purposely trying to embarrass me?! I can't even exchange this nasty old thing. (leaves Ricky empty-handed)
NC (vo; as Nicole): Which is why I'm still holding on to it.
NC: (as Nicole) Anti-sentimental purposes!
Ricky: You might be smart with books, but you sure are stupid. I gave you a real gift, and you don't get it. (He sadly goes home)
NC (vo): You know, I'm not gonna lie, I really thought (picture of...) PaRappa the Rapper's origin story would be more interesting than this.
(Nicole throws Ricky's teddy into the dumpster. Smithy follows her)
Smithy: Hey, brat! Who do you think you are? Treating people the way you do?
NC (vo): Perhaps we should discuss this more on the ruins of Peach's castle from Mario 64.
(Cut to Lenee and Nicole observing the latter's Christmas decorations outside of her house)
Lenee: Oh, this is so great! I know you like this stuff, Nicole.
NC: Any particular reason that girl's hair...
NC (vo): ...looks like Chewbacca's butt cheeks?
NC: Is this ALL just another Life Day tradition I'm gonna wish I didn't know about?!
Lenee: What do you think Santa will bring you this year?
(Nicole "belly-laughs", or just moves her torso back and forth)
Nicole: You still believe in Santa Claus? (laughs some more)
NC (vo; as Nicole, in a robotic tone): We will eat human brains after turning your skin into binary code.
Nicole: (approaches her house, still laughing) Santa Claus!
(We are shown the inside of Nicole's house)
NC (vo): Nicole talks with her mother about what a good kid she's been all year.
Nicole: You know I'm the bestest kid in the world, Mommy.
Peg (Sherry Weston): I know you are. And I'm the luckiest mom in the world.
(Cut to Nicole in her room, standing by the mirror)
NC (vo; as Peg): So lucky I'll just dematerialize in the next shot.
NC: Hey, if she's been raptured, there's still hope it could happen to the rest of the cast!
Nicole: (singing) Look at me...
NC (vo): Oh. Yeah. We're almost halfway through the special. Makes sense to have our first song.
NC: I know Ricky's technically rapping, but that's in the context of the story.
NC (vo): It's something he did for fun, and they acknowledged he was doing it. This is an actual full-blown musical number.
NC: In that, it fully blows to witness any of it!
Nicole: (singing) Look, and you'll see / The best kid in the world...
(Nicole's wallpaper is shown, and it has a pretty bland "red apple" pattern)
NC (vo): I'm so glad her parents got that wallpaper from FreeDownloadableTextures.org.
NC: It's so hideous, even the snow...
NC (vo): ...tried backing away from it. (We're shown that at Nicole's window, the snow animation is reversed for one second) Yeah, that just happened.
Nicole: (singing, still standing by the mirror and moving her body) Straight-A student, / Homework's always on time / Look at me...
NC: I hope you're enjoying this...
NC (vo): ...amazing choreography...
NC: ...because there's over (shows up four fingers) four minutes...
NC: A special where only one kid raps!
NC (vo): Oh, and all his raps combined still equal half the time of this one song!
Nicole: (singing) Look at me...
NC: I really don't want to look at you.
(The red blood starts moving on the screen again)
NC (vo): Our eyes have bled enough!
NC: In fact, (slams the table) I think we all need a break to look at something more pleasant. Something that's gonna hurt our eyes a little less! So, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go look at the sun! (gets up and goes offscreen) Ohh, that feels better.
(We go to a commercial. After returning, we're shown Debbie, Lenee's mother, talking with her daughter at her bedroom)
NC (vo): So Pink Cushion Irma is upset about there being no Santa Claus and decides to ask when her dad is getting back with the tree.
Lenee: When's Daddy coming home?
Debbie (Andi Matheny): Soon. Right after he picks up his Christmas tree. Come on! It's Christmas.
NC: Who the hell buys a tree on Christmas Day?!
NC (vo): I guess I shouldn't complain. (Debbie sits on the bed) They did finally master the incredible art of sitting down!
NC: Though...maybe not. I think they just...
NC (vo): ...melted into the ground a little bit.
NC: Yeah, knowing the special, that seems very probable.
(Ricky is carrying some letters (and, by carrying, they are literally FLOATING around his hand), when one letter literally files away)
NC (vo): Ricky goes to mail some letters when one of them to Santa falls out, which confesses how much the bear he gave to Nicole meant to him. Nicole sees it and starts to read.
Nicole: (reading the letter) "...even Nicole. I gave her a special bear that Mommy..." Oh, no, Ricky!
NC: Umm, did Ricky's pencil not render enough...
NC (vo): ...to keep all the letters on that paper?*
- - That's actually the envelope, but the mistake is understandable because of the bad animation.
NC: I'm beginning to think this was directed by (The clip of one of the ring maze sections in Superman 64 is shown) one of the rings from Superman 64!
NC (vo): Meanwhile, Ricky talks with his great-grandmother.
Great-Grandma (Debra Wilson): (Uh...I have no clue what she said. I don't know what language it is, but it's definitely not anything from Earth)
(NC is quite taken aback from...whatever just happened)
NC: I'm sorry, could you say that again?
(Scene plays again, but it's still just inconceivable gibberish coming from Great-Grandma)
NC: ...We'll come back to that. Why don't we move on to the next sentence?
Great-Grandma: (...I give up)
(NC has a very scared smile on his face)
NC: (high-pitched voice, imitating Zuzu Bailey's ending line from It's a Wonderful Life) Every time a minute of this plays, a Pixar animator (A picture of a hangman's noose is shown) kills himself! (normal) WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON?!
NC (vo): Am I really seeing this? Every time she talked, it's like hearing a dolphin read from the Necronomicon! This can't be real!
Great-Grandma: (More weird sounds that sound like a chipmunk with a speech impediment)
Papa Klump (Eddie Murphy): (from The Nutty Professor (1996)) Somebody better call an exorcist!
NC: Oh, wait, wait, wait! I got it! It's backwards speech! If you take the audio and reverse it, you can hear what she's actually saying! So, go ahead, let's try it!
Great Grandma: (More balderdash)
(Text "<<REVERSE" appears in the top-right hand corner)
Reversed Speech (Doug): I'm recording this dialogue at the Pentagon where they're holding Jesus. (NC looks surprised) He's still alive, and he has plans. Plans the government doesn't want you to know about. (NC puts his hands on his head) The answers are in the Christmas special. It's filled with clues. (NC's eyes start darting around) That's why none of it makes any goddamn sense! Rewatch the special (NC takes his hands off his head) to find the truth! Rewatch the special to find the truth!
NC: Oh, my God! (He grabs the TV remote, but before he presses any buttons, he stops and thinks) Nah, it's not worth it. (puts the remote down)
(Nicole, Lenee and Smithy search for Ricky's teddy in the dumpster, but don't find it. Three bullies observe this, standing in a straight line)
NC (vo): So Nicole looks in the dumpster for the bear she threw out.
Tug: The poor little princess is turned into a garbage man!
(They "belly-laugh", just like Nicole did before)
NC: (as Tug) Did you like our attempt at a threesome there?
(The scene is repeated)
NC (vo): They don't find it, but Smithy hears that the cleaning man keeps some of his garbage in the basement.
(As the ominous chorus is heard, Smithy opens the door to the dark basement and imitates its creaking, scaring Lenee and Nicole. He chortles)
Nicole and Lenee: Smithy!
Smithy: I love creeping out creepy girls.
NC: (confused) What did he do that was creepy?...
NC (vo): Oh, he merely existed.
NC: That explains everything.
(They go inside the basement, which is lit so the viewer can see the kids)
Smithy: Look, a spider!
Nicole: No! (Smithy laughs) Oh, not funny, Smithy.
NC: How the hell is that basement lit?!
NC (vo): Are we watching it from the worst, yet somehow also best, nighttime goggles?
NC: (leans in) Do they belong to that guy from the desk? (The clip of the adult sitting in the background appears again in the left to the creepy music)
(We are shown the view from the inside of, apparently, a box, inside which Lenee looks. NC is poker-faced)
NC: (clicks fingers) Now I know what I did wrong. This special came with a strip of acid, and I forgot to take it. (takes one, chucking) Well, now this is gonna make sense!
(He puts the strip in his mouth. Cut to another "out-of-the-box" view, but this time with Smithy)
NC (vo): Yeah, no.
NC: It's still awful. It...just looks like I'm watching it in the Matrix now.
(The clip of Lenee looking inside a box is displayed with a background of, well, the Matrix)
NC: (channeling Neo) Whoa.
NC (vo): They decide to go to the junkyard, but it looks like it's guarded by... (Two guard dogs, whose design is horrendous, enter the frame) dog ducks!
NC: They come from the Upside Down, and somehow, their CGI looks even worse!
(The dogs chase Smithy, Nicole and Lenee)
Todd: Now you smell like dog food!
Smithy: Hey, now what are you gonna do?
NC (vo): But Smithy has an idea for how to get them off their backs.
Smithy: (standing on top of the car) Just watch how smart I am.
(Smithy throws his sandwich, and the camera focuses on its flying with the blue background)
NC: Wow, no wonder he held onto that sandwich. It's Zardoz!
(The 1974 movie's logo serves as the BG and Sean Connery's voice saying the title two times is heard as the scene of the flying sandwich is repeated)
NC (vo): The sandwich lands on the bullies, and the turd geese chase after them, finally allowing the kids to find the bear.
(Nicole meets Ricky at the door of his house)
Nicole: (hands the teddy over to Ricky) Here.
Ricky: This was a gift for you.
Nicole: But doesn't it mean a lot to you?
Ricky: Yes. And so does...friendship.
(And then...nothing happens. For about TEN SECONDS. NC is dumbfounded by this and gets impatient)
NC: CUT!!! (breaks down in tears) Christ...
(Lenee is then shown at her home with her parents, little sister Jenna and the grandmother Nana)
Nana (April Winchell): I can remember you, Robert, as a little boy.
Debbie: I remember one early morning. (Cut to Nana, who is completely still, her legs missing) My sister, brother and I, running down the stairs. We thought that Santa had...
NC (vo): Oh. Grandma died. (The green arrow points her out) Get the shovel.
Debbie: And, to my surprise, they are right on our porch, said brand-new bicycles...
NC: We really should be digging.
NC (vo): Her legs have already left this world.
NC: The rest of her can't be far behind.
(Lenee's father, Bob, comes to her)
Bob (Jack Angel): Hi, sweetheart. I understand (He blinks, but his eyelids aren't animated) you could use...
NC: (startled) Oh, my God! You can see through his eyelids!
NC (vo): You can see through his eyelids!!
NC: I am not a computer programmer, but... How hard is that? How hard is it...
NC (vo): ...to give someone eyelids?!
NC: How does he sleep? (slams the table with both hands) HOW DOES HE SLEEP?!?!
(Lenee and Bob are looking out the window at the snow, as music starts playing for ANOTHER musical number)
Lenee: (singing) Daddy, will you try and help me understand? / Daddy, are you sure...
NC: (rubbing his temples) You know, not that I'm not having a burning dumpster fire of fun, but shouldn't this be over?
NC (vo): What else is left? The kid (Ricky) got his bear back...that was the closest thing to a story. So, how is there still ten minutes left?
(Cut back to Nicole's family)
Eric (Mark Hamill): Oh, our princess has my good looks and your spending habits.
NC: Oh, I forgot. We can't end this cauldron of nightmares without revealing that the Joker is Nicole's dad!
Peg: I bought you a new suit.
Eric: That's how I get most of my suits!
(Eric starts laughing, but then it perfectly segues into one of Mark Hamill's Joker's crazy laughs)
Eric: Put a big smile on, pumpkin, it's Christmas! And you know what that means.
The Joker (Mark Hamill): (audio, dubbed over Eric) Millions of dollars a day to fiance my happily hedonistic lifestyle!
Eric: Nothing's too good for my princess, and I've got the credit card bills to prove it.
The Joker: (audio, dubbed over Eric) I'm crazy enough to take on Batman, but the IRS? No, thank you.
Nicole: (to herself) I am the perfect little girl.
NC: Little? Aren't you 13? Hell, the way you're animated, you could be 90.
Eric: I got the most beautiful wife and daughter, and, of course, they have the most handsome husband and father.
(Peg smiles and winks. Tamara and Malcolm join NC from the sides again, chanting excitedly whilst NC thinks. Again, Tamara says it's drunk face whilst Malcolm says it's a kill face. Peg's smile is shown twice)
NC: I'm gonna say...kill face. (CORRECT!) Yeah! I got it right again!
(Peg's smile is shown again, as creepy music starts playing. NC is weirded out by this and slowly hands Tamara some car keys)
NC: (nervous) Now, go start the car...
(Tamara takes the keys, and she and Malcolm exit. NC starts shifting his chair away)
NC: Ricky opens up his gift and finds it's... (It's a game console...I think...with the word "Videobox" written on it) ...presumably the software that made this movie.
Debbie: Jenna, I think I see something in the backyard.
(Camera goes outside to reveal...a horribly rendered horse with a bow on it)
Jenna (Grey DeLisle): Oh, wow! Thank you, Santa!
NC: (as Jenna) A dead melted horse! Just what my sick fetish always wanted!
Lenee: (laughs, whilst her upper torso jerks back and forth) How cool is that?
(Lenee and Jenna walk to the horse, but Lenee's skirt doesn't move and her legs phase straight through it)
NC (vo; as Lenee): Well, let my ghost legs dissolve through my skirt to take a look. (normal) So they meet up at one house, because...their families are close? And Ricky's great-grandma gives her hex curse one more.
Great-Grandma: (not stuttering gibberish, but actual coherent English!) Do you know what, Nicole? I never stopped believing in Santa.
NC: Wait, she can talk now? She recovered from her stroke? (throws arms in the air) Okay, whatever. What does she have to say?
Great-Grandma: (apparently she didn't recover, as she goes back to sounding like she's drowning and laughing at the same time. Eventually, she manages one word...) C-Christmas!
NC: (on the brink of despair) WHAT IS GOING ON??
NC (vo): Goddamn it, Grandma, wait until you fully load before you say anything!
NC: Or fully loadED, which I think you already are!
Smithy: (points up) What's that?
(The shadow (Yes, SHADOW, they didn't even model it) of Santa's sled and reindeer wipe across the screen)
NC (vo): Oh, look! "Satan" Claus is trying to break into our realm! No luck today, you shadowy overlord, there's more than enough evil here!
Nicole: I believe in Santa!
Eric: I am so proud of you, princess.
NC: (forcing laughter) Fun.
NC (vo): And, naturally, we end on the kindest and most comforting final line any Christmas special has ever given us.
Eric: Shut that door!
(The front door closes, and the camera pans out of the town following a snowflake. NC, still smiling, simply does a "There you go" gesture with his arms)
NC (vo): Not even kidding, that's the final line.
Eric: Shut that door!
NC (vo): Why end on that? It's beyond bizarre. I so want to see other Christmas specials end so abruptly.
(Cut to the ending of Home Alone, as Kevin looks through the window at Marley reuniting with his family. Marley sees him and waves back)
Eric: (audio) Shut that door!
(Animated door closes on the screen. Now, we cut to the ending of Dr Seuss' How The Grinch Stole Christmas)
Narrator (Boris Karloff): Maybe Christmas, perhaps, means a little-
Eric: (audio) Shut that door!
(Animated door closes on the screen. We then cut to the ending of A Christmas Carol (1938))
Tiny Tim (Terry Kilburn): God bless us, every-
Eric: (audio) Shut that door!
(Animated door closes on the screen)
NC: But, hey, that's not the funniest part. The funniest part is after the end credits.
NC (vo): Where they actually advertise that the Rapsittie Street Kids will be back! Yeah! They're as popular as Superman, so they had to advertise their next adventure in the credits, just like his movies! A Bunny's Tale, huh? Well, seeing how this came out in 2002 and there's STILL no follow-up to it, I'm just assuming they're working really hard on it!
NC: In fact, with all that extra time put in, I wouldn't be shocked if the final product was this!
(A clip from Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny is shown, showing a man in a costume of the Easter Bunny patting on the head of a little kid and humming "Jingle Bells")
NC: (grinning) What the hell did I watch?!
(The special's clips are displayed thankfully for the last time as NC goes to the closing thought)
NC (vo): Rapsittie Street Kids is awful! One of the worst! It's lazy, it's boring, it's hideous to look at... But is it worse than The Christmas Tree?
NC: Well, it's like comparing (pictures of...) Nickelback with Creed. They're both the worst, but one's just gonna annoy you more than the other.
NC (vo): Personally, the fact that it looks like more money went into the production of The Christmas Tree, (chuckles) which, by God, I never thought I would say that...seems a little bit more insulting in how bad it is. Christmas Tree is more memorably bad, where this one, I feel like I could forget pretty quickly. It's that boring. But don't get me wrong, I can see how anyone can declare this the worst holiday special. It is amazingly bad and incredibly difficult to suffer through. It just depends on what offends you more, but, whatever your tolerance, trust me, you'll be offended by this giant piece of shit.
NC: You know what, though? It's got me thinking.
(Tamara and Malcolm appear from the sides, smiling and getting really close to NC)
Tamara: And what's that, Critic?
(NC carefully moves their heads away from him)
NC: About what Christmas is really about.
(The cheerful and sentimental music plays. Tamara and Malcolm are slightly confused)
Malcolm: Really? This special helped you realize that?
NC: Well, in its total lack of creativity and effort, it did make me realize what's really important.
NC: That is important, but there's something more.
NC: That's also important, but something more.
NC: Even more than all those things combined. There is one thing that's more important.
Malcolm: Well, what is it, Critic?
(As the music grows, NC ponders. Tamara and Malcolm joyfully look up. Finally, NC opens his mouth to say...)
NC: Shut that door!
(And the animated door closes on the screen. The credits roll)
Channel Awesome tagline - Great-Grandma: (some gibberish)