Princess Protection Program

(The Disneycember logo is shown, before showing clips from Princess Protection Program. Some clips from Smart House are shown briefly as well. "Blue Danube Waltz" by Johann Strauss II is played throughout)

Doug (vo): So a while ago, I put out a poll, seeing if people wanted me to review the movie Smart House and movie Princess Protection Program. Overwhelmingly, people said Smart House, and I found it to be a pretty good movie. But overtime, some viewers pointed out, "You forgot to review Princess Protection Program." Oh, yeah. Whoops. Well, here it is now, and all I gotta say is, "Wow, Smart House was a good movie." I mean...I don't know what I was expecting with the movie called Princess Protection Program, but I was expecting...I guess a little bit more than this. I know that sounds weird, but ever since I did that Disneycember where I looked over a lot of the Disney Channel movies, I was surprised by a couple of them, and with this concept that, yeah, definitely sounds like a Disney Channel plot. After seeing movies like Smart House, I guess I was expecting a little more, especially with such good actresses.

Story

Doug (vo): Selena Gomez plays a girl in Louisiana whose father is part of, you guessed it, the Princess Protection Program. Wouldn't you know it? There's a princess, played by Demi Lovato, who's about to be crowned queen, but suddenly, an evil general takes over, and they have to get her to safety. With her mother being left behind, they put her in the Princess Protection Program...yeah, apparently, this is something that's really in demand. If you're a prince, king or queen, you're pretty much shit out of luck, but, let's face it, princesses are more marketable. Even down to selling the same dresses. (A shot of Rosalinda Montoya Fiore is shown with an image of Belle from Beauty and the Beast) Look at that. They look exactly alike. Anyway, their brilliant plan is to put her undercover in a high school, because...yeah, a princess in a Louisiana high school won't stand out at all. She's supposed to act like she's from Ohio and not this Spanish-speaking country that apparently is so small, it's not on most maps. And she's only told this once she's at the school.

Review

Doug (vo): There is, like, no background given to her. She's just expected to know all the ways that a normal teenager is supposed to act, and it's like, "What are you doing?" No member of royalty is gonna blend in bowling when they'd never seen bowling in their life. No sheltered ruler is gonna know how to operate an ice cream shop. What the hell? I know that sounds like nitpicking, 'cause, again, Disney Channel movie, it's for kids. But part of the fun is believing the fantasy, and I feel like even kids would question a lot of the things going on in this.

(While various clips continue to show, the majority of them focus on the two main characters)

Doug (vo): For example, what's the setup you would assume with this situation? You would think the princess is really stuck-up and snobby and she has to learn how to live among common people. But, no. It's Selena Gomez's character that's, like, really bratty and mean and doesn't give her a chance. They don't even really give her a reason why. I think they're hinting that the father's gone a lot, and because this new girl is here, she has to ask the father a lot of questions and she trusts him and she gets kind of jealous of that. But they don't really dive into it like, oh, again, something like Smart House did. She's supposed to not draw attention to herself and, you know, feel really bad because she's missing her mother, but every other second, she's doing everything she can to draw everybody's focus on her. She stands up in the middle of lunch and nominates her best friend to be homecoming queen. Well, that's pretty stupid, seeing how anyone can just look in a magazine and recognize you. In fact, that's what happens! Later in the movie, this country that's apparently has few maps is in this magazine with these giant pictures drawing attention to her! Nothing about this makes sense! And again, this wouldn't be as big a deal if the characters were likeable or unique or charming, and these are two really funny actresses. I mean, okay, Camp Rock wasn't very good, but Demi Lovato did have kind of this awkward charm to her. Selena Gomez had proven she can be very funny in Wizards of Waverly Place. And here, God help them, you can tell they're trying, but they're just not given anything with this script. It's just the most generic lines and dialogue, talking about what it means to be a princess, what it means to be true to yourself and to your heart, friendship, loyalty, it's about more than just trying on dresses. So they have a montage where they help some people, and...guess what? The majority of it is them trying on dresses! Yeah, we know where your focus is at. All the other characters are cutouts, from the jock boy to the bully girl.

Final thought

Doug (vo): Somewhere, I imagine there's a bizarro universe where these two talents are utilized and someone actually says, "Let's make something of this script, let's take some time and throw in some good jokes and some unique ideas." But in this universe, we get a product that must have been rushed. I mean, it just must have. Everything about it just feels so uninspired and boring and run-of-the-mill. Every time I see these two onscreen, I see the movie it could be. I see these really good actresses that can bring a lot of joy to a performance, but, no, we have to have Gomez act like brat for no reason, and Lovato then talk about how she misses her mother, and Gomez says, "Let's start over.", and that's what they do, except she starts being a brat again for no reason. It's so lame and predictable, right down to spelling the moral of the story every other second. (Groans) It's the worst kind of bad, the bad that isn't so terrible, it's kind of fun, it's just bland and forgettable. Is there anything bad for kids in it? I don't think so. I mean, at least there is a little talking about helping other people, which I guess is something more than something like The Princess Diaries did. But it's not really focused on, and the motivations constantly jump around so much, you're not really gonna learn too much of a good lesson. If you have a nostalgic soft spot for it, fair enough. But I think this is a princess movie that's definitely not worth saving.

(The film's final scene, showing Rosie being crowned queen, is shown)