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The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement
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Released
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August 26th, 2014
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Running Time
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33:25
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Link
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We start out with a closeup of NC and HyperFanGirl (again played by Tamara) holding hands as they skip through a field while romantic music plays. They then proceed to do various "quirky" and "romantic" activities such as pretending to make snow angels in the grass, playing hide and seek, and prancing around on pool floaties. Finally, they run towards each other and hold hands.
HyperFanGirl: Oh Nostalgia Critic, I've never been so happy in my entire life!
NC: Oh HyperFanGirl, being with you makes me completely forget that there's an assassin watching me through his viewfinder.
The camera pulls back to reveal an assassin (played by Malcolm) pointing an assault rifle at NC.
HyperFanGirl: He really does blend into the background after a while, doesn't he?
NC: Like the pecking of Satan's vulture.
HyperFanGirl: Come on, I want to show you my humble abode!
NC frowns as HFG pulls him along.
NC: You know, not that being kidnapped and forced at gunpoint to love someone isn't..."Delightfully quirky", as you've forced me to put it, but how long do you plan to keep this going?
HyperFanGirl: I told you: until we review "Princess Diaries 2" together. It's always been my dream to review a bad movie with you.
NC: And did that dream also involve toe decapitation?
HyperFanGirl: Sometimes.
NC: Okay.
NC scowls by the door at HFG's house as he waits for her to unlock it.
NC: (To assassin) You're doing a great job, by the way.
Assassin: I aim to please.
NC laughs sarcastically
HyperFanGirl: (Unlocks door) I think you're really gonna like it here.
NC: Oh sure. (Walks inside) I'm going to love a place surrounded with pages of Frozen fanfiction.
NC freezes in his tracks as he sees the floor of HFG's living room is covered with vintage comic books, movies, video games, and magazines. All the while the "Hallelujah" chorus is playing.
NC: I have definitely underestimated the perks of dating a psychopath.
Cue theme song
NC: Oh my God, this place has everything! (Gasps) Are those all the Fast & Furious movies?
HyperFanGirl: Yep.
NC: Is that Marvel vs. Capcom 3-point-5-point-6?
HyperFanGirl: Yep.
NC: (Gasps and holds up a copy of "The Mask Returns") Is this "The Mask", arguably the most violent comic ever drawn on paper?
HyperFanGirl: Yes! Before Jamie Kennedy, that was the most terrifying rendition known to man!
NC: This place is amazing! I'm kinda shocked you can afford it.
HyperFanGirl: This one time I stalked Joe Dante, and when I found out what he did with his Barbies in his "private time", he gave me a great settlement!
NC: This place is like a salute to testosterone adolescence! I'm kinda shocked you're into all this. (The assassin's laser sight shines on his head) Well, almost shocked.
Assassin: Don't you two have a movie to review?
HyperFanGirl: Thank you, Benny. What do you say, Critic? Are you ready to review an old, nostalgic, bad movie?
NC: Well, given these surroundings, maybe it won't be as bad as I thought.
HyperFanGirl: Good, because you're going to need that mentality to get through it. (Clips from the film are shown)
HyperFanGirl: (vo) This is the sequel to the 2001 Disney hit, "The Princess Diaries", reinforcing every little girl's dream that your ordinary life can be transformed into a fairy tale if you discover you were pushed out of the right cooch.
NC: (vo) While definitely not Shakespeare, even the toughest critics can look deep into their hearts and declare this film is "harmless".
HyperFanGirl: (vo) "Royal Engagement", however, takes whatever clichés we were willing to overlook in the first film and maximizes them to Shyamalan levels.
NC: (vo) No!
HyperFanGirl: (vo) Oh yes, Shyamalan levels. This results in one of the stupidest, embarrassing, and downright insane sequels Disney has ever put out, and that's saying a lot, given their lineup (shows covers of Direct to DVD sequels).
Hyperfangirl: So, Critic, are you ready to enter the world of vagina pandering?
NC: As long as I have (holds up "300" DVD) my penis pandering nearby, I'm good.
HyperFanGirl: This is "Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement"!
Benny: (holding up Grand Theft Auto 6 cover) I didn't know they made a video game of The Purge.
NC: Actually, that's Grand Theft Auto 6.
Benny: Oh.
HyperFanGirl: (vo) We open with the graduating ceremony of our main character Mia, played by Anne Hathaway, graduating from high school.
Man At Podium: Woodrow Wilson's school of public and international affairs Graduating class.
NC: (vo) Go! Horrible sequels! Disappoint the fan bases you were never meant to keep!
HyperFanGirl: (vo) As the credits rolls, we see Mia doing something we, ironically never see Mia do in these movies: Write in her freaking diary.
Mia: Weeeeelll, it's me. Brand New College Graduate/Princess....
NC (as Mia): (vo) Slash non-creditable actress for years thanks to films like this one you are about to see.
Mia: (vo) This evening is my 21st birthday party, and our traditions says that I have to dance with all of the eligible bachelors in Genovia.
HyperFanGirl: (vo) She hands her fake CGI plane over the poorly rendered landscapes of "Generica", where she'll live with her grandmother, played by Julie Andrews.
Servant: But you're late you majesty.
The Queen: A queen is never late; everyone else is simply early.
(Clips play of Gandolf and Frodo laughing)
This is followed by a scene of the queen entering into her royal chambers walking in-between blasting trumpets.
NC: (vo) Well, her hearing must be gone now. There's almost as much blowing power in those horns then there is in this movie.
Two men open the doors and Mia comes in dressed as a princess.
The Queen: Princess Mia
The Crowd: (echoing) Princess Mia!