August 26th, 2014
(We start out with a closeup of NC and HyperFanGirl (again played by Tamara Chambers) holding hands as they skip through a field while romantic music plays. They then proceed to do various "quirky" and "romantic" activities such as pretending to make snow angels in the grass, playing hide and seek, and prancing around on pool floaties. Finally, they run towards each other and hold hands)
HyperFanGirl: Oh, Nostalgia Critic, I've never been so happy in my entire life!
NC: Oh, HyperFanGirl, being with you makes me completely forget that there's an assassin watching me through his viewfinder.
(The camera pulls back to reveal an assassin (played by Malcolm) pointing an assault rifle at NC)
HyperFanGirl: He really does blend into the background after a while, doesn't he?
NC: Like the pecking of Satan's vulture.
HyperFanGirl: Come on, I want to show you my humble abode!
(NC frowns as HFG pulls him along)
NC: You know, not that being kidnapped and forced at gunpoint to love someone isn't..."delightfully quirky", as you've forced me to put it, but how long do you plan to keep this going?
HyperFanGirl: I told you: until we review Princess Diaries 2 together. It's always been my dream to review a bad movie with you.
NC: And did that dream also involve toe decapitation?
(NC scowls by the door at HFG's house as he waits for her to unlock it)
NC: (To assassin) You're doing a great job, by the way.
Assassin: I aim to please.
(NC laughs sarcastically)
HyperFanGirl: (Unlocks door) I think you're really gonna like it here.
NC: Oh, sure. (Walks inside) I'm going to love a place surrounded with pages of Frozen fanfiction.
(NC freezes in his tracks as he sees the floor of HFG's living room is covered with vintage comic books, movies, video games, and magazines. All the while, the "Hallelujah" chorus is playing)
NC: I have definitely underestimated the perks of dating a psychopath.
(Cue the opening and the theme song. After that, we see NC look over all of HFG's stuff)
NC: Oh, my God, this place has everything! (Gasps) Are those all the Fast & Furious movies?
NC: Is that Marvel vs. Capcom 3-point-5-point-6?
NC: (Gasps and holds up a copy of "The Mask Returns") Is this "The Mask", arguably the most violent comic ever drawn on paper?
HyperFanGirl: Yes! Before Jamie Kennedy, that was the most terrifying rendition known to man!
NC: This place is amazing! I'm kinda shocked you can afford it.
HyperFanGirl: Oh, this one time I stalked Joe Dante, and when I found out what he did with his Barbies in his "private time", he gave me a great settlement!
NC: This place is like a salute to testosterone adolescence! I'm kinda shocked you're into all this. (The assassin's laser sight shines on his head) Well, almost shocked.
Assassin: Don't you two have a movie to review?
HyperFanGirl: Thank you, Benny. What do you say, Critic? Are you ready to review an old, nostalgic, bad movie?
NC: Well, given these surroundings, maybe it won't be as bad as I thought.
HyperFanGirl: Good, because you're going to need that mentality to get through it.
(Clips from The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement are shown)
HyperFanGirl (vo): This is the sequel to the 2001 Disney hit, The Princess Diaries, reinforcing every little girl's dream that your ordinary life can be transformed into a fairy tale if you discover you were pushed out of the right cooch.
NC (vo): While definitely not Shakespeare, even the toughest critics can look deep into their hearts and cheerfully declare this film as "harmless".
NC (vo): No!
(An image showing nearly every single Disney direct-to-DVD sequel is shown)
HyperFanGirl: So, Critic, are you ready to enter the world of vagina pandering?
NC: As long as I have (holds up 300 DVD) my penis pandering nearby, I'm good.
HyperFanGirl: This is Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement!
Benny: (holding up Grand Theft Auto 6 cover) I didn't know they made a video game of The Purge.
NC: Actually, that's Grand Theft Auto 6.
HyperFanGirl (vo): We open with the graduation of our main character Mia, played by Anne Hathaway, graduating from high school.
Man At Podium: Woodrow Wilson's school of public and international affairs Graduating class.
(The graduates all toss their mortarboards into the air)
NC (vo): Go! Horrible sequels! Disappoint the fanbases you were never meant to keep!
HyperFanGirl (vo): As the credits rolls, we see Mia doing something we ironically never see Mia do in these movies: Write in her freaking diary.
Mia: Weeeeelll, it's me. Brand New College Graduate/Princess....
NC (vo; as Mia): Slash non-creditable actress for years thanks to films like this one you're about to see.
Mia: (vo) This evening is my 21st birthday party, and our traditions says that I have to dance with all of the eligible bachelors in Genovia.
HyperFanGirl (vo): She lands her fake CGI plane over the poorly rendered landscapes of "Generica", where she'll live with her grandmother, played by Julie Andrews.
Joe: But you're late, you majesty.
Clarisse: A queen is never late; everyone else is simply....early.
(Clips play of Gandalf and Frodo "laughing" at her comeback line. This is followed by a scene of Clarisse entering into her royal chambers walking in-between blasting trumpets)
NC (vo): Well, her hearing must be gone now. There's almost as much blowing power in those horns as there is in this movie.
(Two men open the doors and Mia comes in dressed as a princess)
The Queen: Princess Mia.
The Crowd: (echoing) Princess Mia!
HyperFanGirl (vo): As you may recall in the first film, she had a nice romantic fling with a boy named Michael, but he's been banished to the friend-zone, never to return.
NC (vo): Waaait, wasn't most of the last film trying to get his attention? Being Disney, shouldn't they live like all happily ever after and shit?
HyperFanGirl (vo): Oh, in one Disney film for sure! But in a product producing sequel, we need more arm candy to put in tween magazines. This is where Nicholas comes in, played by Chris Pine.
NC (vo): I suppose it's too much to ask that he's come back in time (cut back to NC and HyperFanGirl) with the USS Enterprise to take out Klingon imposters?
HyperFanGirl (vo): He's here to be the charming jerk she'll, of course, fall in love with, while every other suitor comedically screws up in unrealistic over the top ways.
Suitor 1: (speaks in a foreign language)
Mia: You obviously don't speak English.
Child Suitor: (played by Spencer Breslin) If this were my party, we'd be kissing by now.
Suitor 3: (dancing poorly) One, two, three, one, two, three.
NC (vo): You know...these guys have a chance to bag a hottie and be rich and powerful for the rest of their days. Don't you think maybe a language class, an etiquette class, hell, even a fucking dance class would be worth the effort for that? Guys in The Bachorlette work harder.
HyperFanGirl (vo): Well, that would distract from painfully obvious Disney cameos like Raven, visiting all the way from the land of Stereotypica.
(We see the cameo, where Mia is approached by a princess who is played by Raven Symone)
Mia: What have you been up to?
Asana: Oh, just partying, girlie.
NC (vo; as Asana): Do you like my fake accent and terrible costume? I had a whole bunch of kindergartners make it for my new show That's So Racist.
HyperFanGirl (vo): But an evil villain, played by John Rhys-Davies, has plans to take the crown away from her.
NC (vo): And in case you missed the unbelievably subtle music foreshadowing that fact, he practically turns to the camera and announces it to the audience.
Viscount Mabrey: You should be more careful, your royal highness. Someone might try to take that away from you.
Mia: Thank you so much for all your help.
Viscount: (to himself) Someone like me.
NC (vo): It's actually kind of amazing. Even babies just born into this world could pick up on the fact that he's the villain without that being said. It'd probably make just as much sense to have the movie go...
(Multiple different colored arrows appear and point at Viscount with a 'He's the villain' plastered beside him. NC and HyperFanGirl shout "HE'S THE VILLAIN!" a few times)
HyperFanGirl (vo): Oh, Critic, that's just an eye drop of how unsubtle this movie is. Take, for example, Mia's servants in the castle.
(Mia's servants are first shown, standing next to Mia)
Mia: Hi, how's it going?
NC (vo; as the maids; mimicking the twins from The Shining): Come play with us, Mia!
Bridgette: (The first maid) At your service.
Brigitta: (The second maid) And I'm Brigitta, Miss.
(She does a curtsy)
Mia: Bridgette and Brigitta? Don't curtsy like that.
Brigitta: How do you like it?
Bridgette: Like this, maybe?
(The maids do several curtsies)
Mia: No, no. I didn't mean...like, you know, this. (Demonstrates different curtsies for maids) No, not that way. I didn't mean it...at all.
(An assistant comes in and speaks to Mia, as the maids perform several bows)
Woman: The Queen bids you good morning, Princess. She's in session...
NC: (Annoyed at the maids) Oh, my God. This is one of those movies where instead of laughing at their silliness, you're questioning whether or not they were dropped as infants.
HyperFanGirl: Either way, you're not gonna laugh.
NC (vo): So Mia stumbles across a secret passage so obvious, you swear the fucking batpoles were waiting for her, and eavesdrops on a political meeting...because...Parliament meets at the Queen's house for some reason.
Viscount: Another Genovian of the royal bloodline became eligible to assume the throne.
Mia: (Hiding in the vent) What?!
Viscount: My nephew's mother was my wife's sister. I am pleased to say that my nephew is ready to take his place as Genovia's rightful king.
HyperFanGirl (vo): Huh! Funny they didn't see THAT little gigantic loophole coming all these years.
NC (vo): Hey, come on, they were too busy teaching her how to sit properly! That was much more important!
Parliament man #1: Isn't Princess Mia first in line to ascend the throne?
Parliament man #2: The princess must marry.
The Queen: We have never enforced that law. A-a man doesn't have to marry to be king! My granddaughter should be given the same rights as any man!
Mia: (echoing voice) Yeah!
NC (vo; as parliament judge): The court will recognize the "Yeah!" that came from the extremely opinionated ventilating system.
Members of Parliament: (debating) Sixty days, two months, sixty days.
Parliament Judge: Thirty days!
HyperFanGirl (vo): So the court allows Mia thirty days to find herself a husband, so that she may be able to rule the kingdom as queen. Hey, to be fair, thirty days is quadruple the time given in most Disney movies.
NC (vo): But it's okay, because the queen has a brilliant strategy to foil the plans of our obvious villain and his nephew: have them live in the palace, of course, giving them much easier access to steal the crown away.
The Queen: (from a different scene) Shut up!
NC (vo): I am dead serious!
The Queen: Oh, no, Parliament didn't invite him; I did. If there is any mischief going on, I'd prefer it be right under my nose.
NC (vo): Okay, there's a big difference between keeping your friends close and your enemies closer, and giving your bank PIN number to a man in a black and white striped shirt and a dark mask.
NC: I mean, isn't it like the equivalent of saying, (Takes out a knife) "Hey, here's a stabbing knife! (Hands HyperFanGirl the knife) I'm just going to turn my back to the wall and hope that nobody plunges it in there anytime soon".
(NC's back is facing HyperFanGirl as she holds the knife uncomfortably. Benny takes the knife and tries to stab NC in the back, but HyperFanGirl stops him).
HyperFanGirl: (quietly) No, no, no, be cool, be cool.
(Benny sits back down on his chair. Back to the film)
NC (vo): And you'll never guess who the villain's nephew who wishes to steal the crown is. Why, Chris Pine, of course! Spending most of his time hatching diabolical schemes with his uncle Gimli, Son of Doy.
(Nicholas approaches Mia and the Queen; Mia isn't exactly happy to see him)
Nicholas: Your Highness.
Mia: Lord Nicholas.
(She steps on Nicholas' foot and walks away in a huff)
NC (vo): Wow. I don't think I've actually seen a live action turning of the head going "HMPH!" since watching Miss Piggy on the Muppet Show.
(A brief clip of the Muppet Show showing Miss Piggy walking away in a huff is shown)
HyperFanGirl (vo): To her credit, I think Miss Piggy was more subtle.
The Queen: Would you care to explain what was going on out there?
NC: Yeah, your performance is making mimes look like underactors.
The Queen: If you'll come with me, I have something to show you. I think you could leave that right there.
(As NC speaks, we are shown a scene of Mia seeing her new bedroom, complete with a large bed and shelves and wardrobes filled with girl stuff)
NC (vo; as the Queen): We're trading one feminine stereotype for another feminine stereotype, (Speaks normally) like this franchise’s favorite running cliché: Opening up doors and gawking at materialism.
(Mia jumps on her bed, extremely excited)
Mia: THIS IS SO COOL! (Looks at her new shoe shelf) They’re charming. I love these.
(She looks at her new drawers, which are filled with jewels)
HyperFanGirl (vo): Hm. Marie Antoinette’s line “Let them eat cake” is sounding more like a charitable phrase compared to this.
Mia: Gorgeous, Grandma, but kind of a letdown after the jewels, I’m not gonna lie.
(Mia’s friend from the first movie, Lilly Moscovitz, suddenly pops out of a wardrobe and greets Mia)
NC (vo; as Mia; gasps): Noopy McDorkface?! Have you come to lose credibility in my movie, too?!
HyperFanGirl (vo; as Lilly): No! I'll just let my performance in Hostel 2 do that!
(We are shown a scene of Mia, Lilly, the Queen, Joe and Mia's mother, Charlotte, looking at a projector screen)
NC (vo): So they sit around partaking in Feminine Stereotype #A Trillion: cheerfully debating who she's gonna marry.
(The projector shows a profile of Prince William)
Mia: YES, OH, YES, I-I-I-I absolutely accept!
Charlotte: Prince William. He's not eligible because he's in line for his own crown.
HyperFanGirl (vo): I do love how one minute, she's strongly against an arranged marriage, and then the next, she's scarfing down popcorn, picking (shows a profile of Barron Johann Klimt) which stud cake has the best Royal family jewels.
Charlotte: (as the group looks at a profile of Antoine Susson) Antione Suisson of Paris.
Mia: Yeah, he's cute.
Joe: His boyfriend thinks he's handsome also.
Mia and Lilly: (raise their fists) Right on!
NC (vo): We're pro...something. That should distract from the fact that we're (Joe switches to a profile of Sir Laurent Wilson) saying nothing funny.
HyperFanGirl (vo): Why did they include a gay guy in there anyway?
(A handsome-looking man named Andrew is shown on the screen. As NC speaks, we are shown scenes of Mia and Andrew hanging out)
NC (vo): But they finally find a prince who seems eligible. He likes long walks on the beach while scarfs are pulled by strings, has no character outside of being chiseled like mythological Greek porn, and reacts perfectly with her having no character outside of being clumsy because…well…that’s all Garry Marshall has in his comedies.
(Benny points his rifle at NC again)
Benny: Are you bad-mouthing Runaway Bride?
NC: (Beat) I guess not?
Benny: Good. ‘Cause I cried like a bitch at the end of that movie.
(NC and HyperFanGirl look at each other, confused)
HyperFanGirl (vo): But Evil Son of Duh (Viscount) tells his nephew that he must try to romance Mia if they are ever to get the crown. He finds her hiding from her servants.
(Charlotte approaches Mia, who is hiding on the stairs)
Charlotte: Why are we whispering?
Mia: (Whispering) I’m hiding from my ladies’ maids.
NC (vo; imitating Mia): Because I’m not about being pampered and materialistic except when I’m being pampered and materialistic.
(The scene with Mia jumping on her new bed is shown again)
Mia: THIS IS SO COOL!
(Cut back to the staircase scene, where Nicholas encounters Mia)
Mia: I’m sorry, is there something you wanted to say to me?
Nicholas: You are the one who stomped on me with your big feet.
Mia: Big feet?
(One of the maids, Brigitta, comes in)
Brigitta: Bridgette, I found her!
Mia: (Whispers) I’m not here.
(Brigitta runs off, while saying the next line)
Brigitta: It wasn’t her. It was a ghost! (Makes ghostly noise) Whoo!
(NC and HyperFanGirl are dumbfounded by that line)
NC: I don’t even think Muppet Babies would have a line that stupid.
Nicholas: You see, usually, when I ask a woman to dance, I always show her my family tree.
Mia: Oh, well, are you just…crafty?
HyperFanGirl (vo): She’s just jealous because he stole her eyeliner.
(Mia and Nicholas go into a closet to talk more)
Mia: The point is that I’m on to you. Oh-ho-ho, oh, boy, am I on to what you are trying to do.
Nicholas: And what am I trying to do?
(A scene from The Amazing Spider-Man 2, showing Peter Parker and Gwen Stacy hiding in a closet, is shown)
Peter: This is the most clichéd hiding place you could have chosen. This is the stupidest hiding place.
Gwen: (Sarcastic) Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t take us to the Bahamas of hiding places.
(Cut back to the film, where a woman opens the closet to see Mia and Nicholas)
Charlotte: Please excuse the intrusion, Your Highness. Lord Deveraux.
Mia: No, you don't. Erm...
(She closes the closet door. We cut to a scene where Mia and the Queen are talking)
NC (vo): Well, I do hope Pine doesn't distract her too much from focusing on how to be a good queen.
HyperFanGirl (vo): Oh, don’t worry. They still have plenty of time to teach her the most vital information about being a political leader. Like how to do archery, how to ride side saddle, and most importantly, how to wave a fan.
(The waving fan lesson is shown)
The Queen: We are learning the art of the fan.
NC (vo): Wait a minute. The fate of their kingdom lies in her hands, and they’re focusing on fucking fan waving? (A clip from a Mortal Kombat game is shown) Unless she’s showing how to decapitate a person a la Mortal Kombat-style, I don’t see the importance of that!
HyperFanGirl (vo): Well, this movie feels that girls don’t want to actually learn about being a good leader or ruling with intelligence and wit. They’d rather have all that fame WITHOUT that pesky responsibility. (The film cuts to another scene involving a farmer visiting the kingdom with a chicken) Even when she watches the Queen with the local farmers, the biggest thing she learns is how not to hold a chicken.
The Queen: A princess never chases a chicken.
NC (vo): I’m sure that information will save us from warring countries. This movie doesn't want to teach any good morals to girls, it’s just pretending like it does, while partaking in a million stereotypes.
NC: I mean, who would be desperate enough to use gender manipulation to get what they want?
(NC’s statement makes HyperFanGirl nervous)
HyperFanGirl: Uh, Critic, could you hold onto my collection of Playboy cartoons?
(She brings out a Playboy book, causing NC to get excited and grab it)
NC: Ooh, this has the Silverstein collection!
(He starts reading the book, as Benny approaches the Critic from behind. This causes the Critic to hide the pictures, which cause Benny to aim the gun at him. This convinces the Critic to show him the book, which makes Benny smile at the pictures. Cut back to the film, where Mia is writing in her diary)
Mia: I also have to be ladylike while riding sidesaddle. (A scene is shown where Mia is looking at a prop leg) Impressively sneaky, Grandma. Did you come up with this on your own?
The Queen: Oh, no, it’s a centuries-old idea.
HyperFanGirl (vo; as Mia): You know, Grandma, I thought up some solutions for this country’s economic struggle.
NC (vo; as the Queen): Nope. Side saddle.
HyperFanGirl (vo; asMia): I recall Princess Diana doing a lot of charity work.
NC (vo; as the Queen): Uh-uh! Side saddle.
HyperFanGirl (vo; as Mia): I don’t even know the name of one town in this country.
NC (vo; as the Queen): Side saddle, side saddle! They’ll burn you as a heretic unless you know side saddle! SIDE SADDLE!
(Mia rides her horse in front of a crowd, wearing a fake leg to make it look like she’s riding side saddle)
NC (vo): So while riding with her wooden prosthetic and nobody noticing that the other side of her dress has a leg-sized bump, Silly, Son of Lame, has yet another evil plan.
Viscount: Princess Mia’s horse, Sandy, gets easily spooked by snakes. (Brings out a fake snake) So let’s get it really spooked, shall we? Hm?
Guard: This is a fake snake.
(A clip from John Rhys-Davies as Sallah from Raiders of the Lost Ark is shown)
Sallah: Asps. Very dangerous.
Viscount: That’s rubber, yes, but it will spook the horse.
HyperFanGirl (vo): The rubber snake does end up spooking the horse, and Mia’s leg is officially pulled.
Woman in the crowd #1: No wonder she’s so clumsy. She’s got a wooden leg!
(Mia rides off on her horse in humiliation)
Woman in the crowd #2: I like all these men wearing helmets.
(NC and HyperFanGirl are confused by that line; as is Benny)
Benny: What the hell was that about?!
NC (vo): The Queen, no doubt thrilled about how well her plan of having the villain stay with them is going, questions Chris Pine about his motivation.
The Queen: Why are you so against Princess Mia being queen?
Nicholas: Uh, my uncle feels that Princess Mia doesn't know the people.
The Queen: And you feel you do?
Nicholas: Yes. I was born here, I went to primary school here.
HyperFanGirl (vo; as Nicholas): I even have an accent in every other sentence.
Nicholas: And, to be frank, she spent little time here since then. How can one rule the people if they do not know the people?
NC (vo): Pine, not so surprisingly, brings up a very legit and obvious point: that Andrews sucks as a teacher and probably a queen. So, in order to have Mia know the people, she introduces her to the .01% of the country, because if there’s anything that history has taught us, it’s the rich who need the most help.
(At a garden party, Mia and Andrew encounter Nicholas and another girl)
Nicholas: Elissa and I were just discussing our latest achievements. She’s received the road scholarship.
Mia: Andrew has a PhD in anthropology from Oxford.
Nicholas: Elissa was in the Peace Corps.
HyperFanGirl (vo): Mia and Pine exchange their obviously-not-fiancés who obviously trust one another to obviously not fall in love.
Elissa: Andrew, would you like to get a drink? I have a feeling they’re going to start a “my horse is bigger than your horse” run.
Andrew: I would absolutely love to. Excuse us.
NC (vo; imitating Andrew): Don’t do anything you wouldn't do! (Chuckles, then stops) Wait.
(Mia and Andrew argue while walking through a hedge garden, passing by a Photoshopped picture of a frozen Jack Torrance)
Mia: You can’t just say something like that and walk away. I will have you know that I am very attracted to Andrew. He understands me.
Nicholas: Understands you? Wow. What passion?
(Mia hits Nicholas on the chest)
Mia: I loathe you!
(Nicholas hits Mia on the chest with a paper)
Nicholas: I loathe you!
Mia: I loathed you first!
(Mia and Nicholas suddenly kiss)
NC (vo): So remember, kids, if you constantly bicker, manipulate, lie and insult one another, it’s not a dysfunctional relationship. It’s real love.
Benny: Oh, good. Everyone keeps telling me I’m crazy for thinking that. (NC and HyperFanGirl look at Benny in confusion) I say, ironically.
(Back to the film, where Mia and Nicholas get into a slap fight)
Mia: You stay away from me!
(Mia and Nicholas suddenly fall into a fountain)
NC (vo): Look out! Bad slapstick!
(Later, a soaking wet Mia approaches the Queen)
The Queen: Do I want to know?
Mia: I don’t think so.
HyperFanGirl (vo; as Mia): Needless to say, I met Chris Pine and he made me wet.
The Queen: (Later in the castle) When are you going to start acting responsibly?
NC, HyperFanGirl, and Benny: [in unison] WHEN YOU START TEACHING IT!!
(By this time, Benny has joined NC and HyperFanGirl at their couch; Benny will stay there until the end of the review. The film cuts to a parade Mia is attending)
NC (vo):: She’s scheduled for a very important public waving down in Epcot Genovia, when she sees a little girl being made fun of. She stops the parade and pulls a Jennifer Lawrence by getting out and talking to her.
(Mia approaches a little girl)
Mia: Would you like to be a princess today?
Little girl: I can’t, I’m too little.
Mia: Why don’t we get you a tiara, and you can wave and march in the parade? (Talks to a group of girl orphans) In fact, why don’t you all take tiaras?
Tiara vendor: All? Give them all free tiaras?
Mia: I’ll take care of it later.
Tiara vendor: Thank you.
HyperFanGirl (vo): BTW, the price of tiaras has just suddenly gone up; a thousand dollars for a plastic ruby.
(Mia, followed by the large group of girl orphans, resumes joining the parade. Viscount and Nicholas watch; Viscount is not moved at all by this scene)
Viscount: Hugging orphans. What a vulgar, low, despicable, political trick!
NC (vo): Right, Garry Marshall should be ashamed of himself. (The film cuts to Mia attending a meeting) This causes her, just a mere hour into the movie, to finally do something of political good.
Mia: The children from the shelter will be housed at the winter castle in the mountains of Libbet, and convert it into a children’s shelter until money can be raised from one of their own.
NC (vo): No, wait. I’m sure you have to tie this back to how to wear shoes or something.
(A party is shown in the castle)
HyperFanGirl (vo): This also inspires her to gather all the princesses from all over the world to a giant get-together.
NC (vo; sighs in relief): Oh, good, are they finally gonna talk about using their image for charity events, or raising awareness for global problems or…?
Mia: Mattress surfing!
(The guests cheer. Various guests, including the maids, are shown mattress surfing off a large slide. NC, HyperFanGirl and Benny watch, clearly not amused by that scene. Benny brings out his rifle)
Benny: Let me kill them now.
NC: No, no, no. Save it for Garry Marshall. (Benny nods and lowers the gun)
(The Queen gets on a mattress)
The Queen: May I?
NC (vo; imitating the Queen): And now, for the Royal Stunt Double*.
(The Queen slides down the slide on a mattress. The scene with the Queen at the parliament meeting is shown again)
The Queen: Shut up!
- (NOTE: Contrary to what NC said, Julie Andrews actually did the whole sliding sequence, and no stunt double was used)
HyperFanGirl (vo): The Queen sticks around as she figures a spoonful of pandering makes the awful scene go down.
(The Queen gets on a stage as pop music plays from a radio, confusing the Queen)
The Queen: What did you do?
Mia: Well, I might’ve tweaked it a little bit on my computer.
The Queen: Yeah, but I don’t know how to do that sort of thing. (Asana goes onstage with the Queen as she begins to perform the pop song; singing) Some boys can walk.
Asana: Some guys can groove.
The Queen: Strike an elegant pose.
Asana: Wear the really hip clothes.
NC (vo): Boy, this is the most out-of-nowhere impromptu dance since Vanilla Ice sang, “Go Ninja, Go Ninja, Go”. Can we just cut to all the poor Genovian peasants starving in the streets while these little twats have their horrendously expensive slumber party?
(Several scenes of the party are shown, while square pictures of orphans are shown on the upper left side of the screen, including Oliver and Katniss Everdeen)
NC: You know, I’m not gonna lie. This movie’s really starting to piss me off!
Benny: Tell me about it.
NC: You know, instead of trying to inspire people, they’re just using their hormones to achieve some sort of selfish need.
Benny: Yeah, I have to admit. That does sound a little familiar.
(HyperFanGirl becomes nervous and looks around nervously as NC and Benny think about something with dramatic music in the background. HyperFanGirl quickly brings out a PS3 controller)
HyperFanGirl: Hey, look, guys. I just downloaded a wrestling video game where you can be a mutant trifecta of Sgt. Slaughter, Andre the Giant and Dwayne the Rock Johnson.
(The wrestling game is shown on the TV screen, and that makes NC get hooked)
NC: Oh, my God! I am so there!
(Grabs the controller and starts playing as Benny attempts to grab it off him)
Benny: Look, you can also be Triple Show Austin Hogan!
(He reluctantly allows Benny to take the controller and start playing the game. HyperFanGirl smiles evilly, confident that her secret plan is working. We go to a commercial break. When we come back, we see Viscount talking with Nicholas)
NC (vo): Well, Subtle, Son of Obvious is not pleased with how his diabolical plans are going.
Viscount: I can't believe that I am hearing this, you want HER to rule? After all the effort that we have put in.
NC (as Viscount): We used the rubber snake, damn it. We used the rubber snake!
NC (vo): And by the way, if even now you haven't realized that they're the bad guys yet, once again, they announce it to the audience because they just don't think you're smart enough to process their subtlety.
Brigitta: He's not the one she's marrying, is he?
Bridgette: Would you please try to keep up, Brigitta? He's trying to steal the crown.
(Once again, the multiple different colored arrows appear around Nicholas and a "He's the villain" is plastered beside him. NC and HyperFanGirl shout "He's the villain!" a few times)
HyperFanGirl (vo): I think viewers of Dora The Explorer could figure out faster what this movie is trying to explain.
(Cut to a scene of Dora the Explorer, dubbed over by Tamara Chambers)
Dora: Hey, kids! Can you tell who the villain is supposed to be?
Kids: It's so obviously that guy! (An arm comes in from the right, pointing at Nicholas)
Dora: No shit!
(Back to the film)
NC (vo): But before Pine has to go, he asks Mia to spend one night with him in secret. Because, you know, they shared insults, and bickering, and weird fountain sex. The maids try to distract her grandmother while she sneaks out.
Brigitta and Bridgette: (Singing) Frere Jacques, Frere Jacques, dormez-vous, dormez-vous?
Bridgette: We never got to finish our routine at the slumber party.
(The maids put pots on their heads and dance)
Brigitta and Bridgette: (Singing) Sonnez les matines, sonnez les matines! (Take the pots off of their heads and bang them together twice) Ding-dang-dong, ding-dang-dong!
(The Queen stares at them, dumbfounded. NC, Benny, and HyperFanGirl are also dumbfounded)
Benny: What the hell did I just watch?
NC: The most desperate moment in all of comedy.
HyperFanGirl: It will never be matched.
NC (vo): I mean, by heavenly Jesus. (As he speaks, clips from Snow White, Fantasia, The Lion King and Toy Story 3 are shown) The same company that brought us the miracle of Snow White, the majesty of Fantasia, the breathtaking size of Lion King, and the groundbreaking genius of Pixar...has also delivered onto us...
(The scene showing the maids dancing with pots is shown again)
Brigitta and Bridgette: (Singing) Sonnez les matines, sonnez les matines! (Take the pots off of their heads and bang them together twice) Ding-dang-dong, ding-dang-dong!
(NC, HyperFanGirl and Benny are still dumbfounded)
HyperFanGirl: I feel like...a little humor in the world has died and we'll never get it back.
Benny: Not a lot, but enough to notice a chilling emptiness.
NC: Like every single banging of those pots is drilling a nail into the heart of a clown. I don't think humor will ever be the same again.
(The scene showing the maids dancing and banging their pots is shown once again)
Brigitta and Bridgette: (Singing) Ding-dang-dong, ding-dang-dong!
(NC, HyperFanGirl and Benny still stare at the film, dumbfounded, before going back to the review)
NC (vo): So, our love birds partake in romantic thumb wrestling, as... most lovers do, when it turns out his uncle had them followed by paparazzi.
Mia: You know, it's really a shame you didn't get juicier stuff last night, you jerk!
(As Mia says the last word, she throws a jacket at Nicholas)
NC (vo; as Nicholas): You don't understand. It's the third act; we're supposed to hate and misunderstand each other right now.
(Cut to Mia, Lilly, and the Queen watching the TV)
Reporter: And here's the royal exclusive I promised.
NC (vo): Of course, it makes it all over the news, thus Mia and Prince Fiancé debate what they should do.
Andrew: I still think this marriage is a good idea.
(Andrew kisses Mia)
Mia: I really want to say yes, but no, there's just no....spark.
Andrew: Me, too.
NC (vo): God, you'd think after knowing you for five days and being forced to marry you, there'd be something, but....no. This obvious politically calculated move just feels sparkless.
HyperFanGirl (vo): But that doesn't stop them from continuing the wedding, and thus, everything is set for the big day, including a....Stan Lee cameo?
Three Stooges Wedding Guest (Stan Lee): (shaking the Queen's hand) I'd do better if you and I get married.
(Stan Lee starts dancing and making noises, startling the Queen)
Benny (vo): Um...did I miss something?
NC (vo; as the Queen): Mr. Lee, Disney hasn't bought Marvel yet. (as Stan Lee) Oooh, Disney is buying Marvel? (as the Queen) No, not until years later. (as Stan Lee) I didn't know I was Ralph Nader! (as the Queen) No, you're the president of Marvel! (as Stan Lee) I am? (beat; as the Queen) Don't put him in X-Men: Days of Future Past. (as Stan Lee) I am Groot.
NC (vo): But just as the wedding is about to take place....with the villain seated right in the front row! (An arrow points to Viscount in the front row).
NC: Why do saboteurs get the best treatment in this country?
NC (vo): Mia, as the strong decisive queen we all know she is going to be, bails in the middle of the wedding because like all good leaders, (mockingly) she just doesn't know what to do!
The Queen: Now you can go back into that church, and get married; or you can walk away. Whatever choice you make, let it come from your heart.
(Changes to a scene of Robbie Hart (Adam Sandler) in The Wedding Singer)
Robbie Hart (Adam Sandler): Things that could have been brought to my attention YESTERDAY!
(Back to the film. Mia stands there, looking like she is about to cry. Suddenly, she lets out a half-cry, half-grunt as she hugs the Queen. NC, HyperFanGirl, and Benny yell in surprise)
HyperFanGirl (vo; as Mia): My sudden spaz attack loves you so much!
NC (vo): So she calls off the wedding, and, because all of parliament is there, of course, makes a plea right there, on the spot, to abolish the law saying she must be married to rule.
Mia: I believe I will be a great queen. I love Genovia. Do you think that I would be up here in a wedding dress if I didn't? I move to abolish the marriage law as it applies to present and future queens of Genovia.
Parliament Member: I second the motion.
Parliament Members: I!
Parliament Member: And if I may say so myself: You rule!
(Mia and Prime Minister Motaz laugh)
Benny (vo): By God. If Abraham Lincoln thought up such a groundbreaking speech, maybe we could have avoided the civil war.
NC (vo; as Abraham Lincoln): Hey, congress of America. I know this is just a kegger in my house, but you guys are just so rad, what do you say we just abolish slavery? Wouldn't it be cool? It should be cool.
Mia: (whispering into a head set to the Queen) Just because I didn't get my fairy tale ending, doesn't mean you shouldn't.
HyperFanGirl (vo): But a wedding still takes place as the Queen, again, spur of the moment, decides to marry her bodyguard Joe, as they've been having a secret romance that was secret to nobody.
The Queen: My lord arch Bishop, I would like to take this man as my husband, if you please.
NC (vo): Okay, this wedding can still be saved if John Rhys-Davies goes up to Mia and whispers, "The Lannisters send their regards." You can figure out the rest.
Bishop: I pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride.
(The Queen and Joe kiss as a chorus sings in the background)
Benny (vo): This has got to be the weirdest day in this country's history.
NC (vo): It would forever be known in the history books as, "The-Cool-Guys-Who-Did-Rad-Things-It-Was-Just-Like-Totally-Shaw Wedding". As such, Mia keeps her romance going with Pine, but decides not to get married until the time is right, thus focusing on being a good queen.
(In the final scene, Mia is crowned queen, proudly walking through her new throne as a chorus sings)
HyperFanGirl (vo; as Mia): I promise to wave fans, shoot arrows and ride in parade floats until the next talentless puppet comes to take my place!
(The movie ends. NC, HyperFanGirl and Benny all sigh in relief. Benny puts down his rifle)
Benny: I'm gonna get a t-bone steak and watch mindless gore to balance things out.
NC: Well, I'm not gonna lie, HyperFanGirl. That was actually a lot of fun.
HyperFanGirl: (Smiles) Do you really mean it?
NC: Yeah. Surprisingly, we like more things than I thought. Maybe...maybe we do have a lot in common.
HyperFanGirl: (Giggles) You think so?
(As the romantic music from the opening sequence plays again, NC and HyperFanGirl prepare to kiss each other, but it takes a while for them to get towards each other as they are constantly mimicking slow-motion movements. Just as NC and HyperFanGirl are about to kiss, Benny stops NC and shows him a DVD copy)
Benny: Hey, look. She's got the Michael Bay Transformers movies.
(NC, stunned, stops HyperFanGirl from preparing to kiss him)
NC: You like the Michael Bay Transformer movies?
HyperFanGirl: (Confused) Uh, no. I hate all of them.
NC: Even the first one?
HyperFanGirl: Yeah...no. Wait, which do you enjoy?
NC: (Confused) What?
(HyperFanGirl, now extremely nervous, stands up and grabs the Transformers DVD box)
HyperFanGirl: Just tell me which ones you want me to like. Transformers? Transformers 2: The First One Again? Transformers 3: The First One Again? Transformers 4: The Rise of the Revenge of the Second...First One...Again?
(NC sits down confused for a moment, then gets angry, realizing HyperFanGirl's secret plan)
NC: I see what you're doing! (stands up) You're trying to play to my inner man child, just like this movie's trying to play to every inner woman child! You're just trying to manipulate the primal stupidity that never wants to evolve in all of us!
HyperFanGirl: (nervously) Did it work?
NC: (Beat) NO!
HyperFanGirl: But we were having so much fun together.
NC: That's not love, that's just enjoying the same stuff!
HyperFanGirl: Aren't those the same things?
NC: (sighs) It's just like this movie.
(Clips from the film play as NC gives out his final thought of the film)
NC (vo): It doesn't teach you, it doesn't challenge you, it doesn't care if you're a better person by the end. All it cares about is that you give it attention. For all their talk of "girl power" and "being independent", all they're doing is throwing the same lazy cliches at you so you'll never crave anything different. They want to keep you in that primal box so you'll never evolve and always want the same thing over and over. That way, they can keep selling you the same thing over and over and don't have to try as hard. Well, love for art doesn't work that way. Both the viewer and the artist need to be invested if both are expected to grow.
NC: And I know what people say. "Oh, it's a girly thing, you wouldn't understand". What? It's girly not to think? It's girly to accept whatever pandering bullshit is thrown at you? I mean, don't get me wrong. (Shows a DVD cover of Demolition Man) I get distracted by stupid shit, too. But when a movie comes along, claiming it has your best interests in mind when clearly it doesn't, that's not love. That's just desperate. As desperate as...
(The scene showing the maids dancing and banging their pots is shown one more time)
Brigitta and Bridgette: (Singing) Ding-dang-dong, ding-dang-dong!
NC: That's what love is, HyperFanGirl. It's not about giving people what they want, it's helping them discover what they need.
Benny: And the same love given back in return.
NC: Right on, man.
(After a moment of silence, HyperFanGirl realizes something)
HyperFanGirl: Well...I've discovered that...we need to watch the movie again!
HyperFanGirl: (as she desperately goes to the PS3 to restart the movie) No, we just need to watch it one more time and have a bunch of good laughs, and it's going to be the best!
HyperFanGirl: (starts to cry as she sings) Frere Jacques, Frere Jacques, dormez-vous...
Benny: My gosh, she's trying to play a movie (shows that the PS3 is updating) without the systems update.
NC: No, Hyper! Don't you know what happens when you try to play a movie without the systems update!
(Too late; Sparks appear as HyperFanGirl gets electrocuted. NC and Benny look on as the PS3 explodes and HyperFanGirl is launched through the ceiling, leaving a hole shaped like her in it)
NC: When will people learn to read the manual?
Benny: Think we'll ever see her again, Critic?
NC: (sighs) I just don't know, Benny.
NC: Well, for one thing, viewership popularity will be the deciding factor.
NC: Second, maybe she isn't meant to be found. Love is a strange thing, Benny. Sometimes you have to be away from it for a while to understand it. But I can tell you this, Benny: I'm no longer going to be bound to the limitations of my gender. It's time to balance out excessiveness with variety and intelligence!
NC: Let's go watch Expendables 3 while reading Jane Austin.
Benny: (as he and NC each hold up a copy of a Jane Austin book) Right!
(NC and Benny walk off the screen, and the credits roll)
Channel Awesome Tagline: The Maids: Ding-dang-dong, ding-dang-dong!