The Cinema Snob: Porno Holocaust (March 11, 2010)

CS: Porno Holocaust in the worst fucking movie I’ve ever seen in my life. No seriously, I’m not just randomly saying that as if it’s some bad movie flavor of the month. Porno Holocaust actually is the holocaust of cinema. I got this piece of shit on bootleg a long time ago after I randomly stumbled upon it in a catalog. Sure, next to the name it said that it only came in a foreign language with no subtitles, so I thought whatever, it’s Porno Holocaust. How confusing could it be. Well I was right. The fucking thing isn’t confusing. It’s as clear as day that it’s a goddamn piece of shit. Plus without subtitles, I could kind of just add my own.

[A scene from the movie is shown with funny subtitles]

CS: Yes, I know it exists on a legit, English language DVD now. But you know, shit is shit no matter what country the ass is from.

[Scenes from the movie]

CS (voiceover): The plot is simple. A team of scientists check out a deserted island where a radioactive zombie kills them off one by one. And by scientists, I mean nymphomanias. What I hate so much about this movie is they completely fuck up making a movie with the title Porno Holocaust.

CS: Sure, it could be bad. But if you make a movie with a title like this and it’s not at least a little entertaining then you have fucked up behind all reasonable doubt. This is one of the most boring I have ever seen in my life. Let me, let me…let me just run through the first part of the movie with you.

[Scene of people talking]

CS (voiceover): Four minutes in: talking.

[Scene of people having sex]

CS (voiceover): Ten minutes in: fucking.

[Scene of people talking]

CS (voiceover): Thirteen minutes: talking.

[Scene of people having sex]

CS (voiceover): Fifteen minutes: fucking.

[Scene of people talking]

CS (voiceover): Twenty minutes: talking.

[A black screen with white text that says, “I can’t even show this one!”]

CS (voiceover): Twenty-two minutes: fucking.

[Scene of people talking]

CS (voiceover): Twenty-nine minutes: talking. And that just barely counts because seconds later they easy right into the fucking.

[More scenes from the movie]

CS (voiceover): It takes them a whole forty fucking minutes to get on to this damn island and the tedium doesn’t even stop there.

CS: That’s right. More talking and fucking.

[A censored scene of people having sex]

CS (voiceover): This time about every cast member seems to want to takes turns having sex on a log that’s washed up on shore. The fucking log sees more action then James Spader in his entire filmography.

[Scene of the zombie attacking a man]

CS (voiceover): Okay, we’re one hour and twelve minutes into the movie. And there’s the fucking zombie.

CS: If you’re going to wait that long to show me something happening, you better fucking be Robert Altman and this better fucking be Gosford Park.

[Scene of the zombie attacking a woman]

CS (voiceover): Obviously I can’t show you what the zombie does to the woman but let’s just say… he sticks his dick in her mouth and it chokes her to death.

CS: What else can’t I show you in this review?

[A picture of Sylvester the cat, i.e. pussy]

CS (voiceover): This.

[A picture of Dick York, i.e. dick]

CS (voiceover): This.

[A picture of a donkey, i.e. ass]

CS (voiceover): And this.

[Scenes from the movie]

CS (voiceover): But I can show you the look on my face when the zombie first shows his junk.

[A close of the Cinema Snob’s shocked face]

[Scenes of the zombie attacking people and other scenes]

CS (voiceover): So the zombie kills people and fucks them and then he kidnaps one of the island beauties like he’s Eegah or something. Please Arch Hall Jr., where are you when we need you? It turns into a tiny rescue story to get the girl back. And could this girl act anymore wooden? Save it for the fucking sex scenes sweetheart.

CS: Oh, oh, and… and it’s also an informational film as well.

[Scenes from the movie]

CS (voiceover): For instance, did you know that when you’re running from a radioactive zombie that that is a good time to start fucking.

CS: If I want exotic cinema I will stick with Bernarod Bertolucci’s Last Tango in Paris, thank you very much. Porno Holocaust clocks in at an hour and fifty minutes long, another sign they completely fucked up. If you make a movie with this title and it goes over ninety minutes, then you’re just a fucking asshole. Well, how does the movie end you ask. Well, how do ya think it ends?

[Scenes from the movie]

CS (voiceover): With talking and fucking. But at least the movie has a fuckafide theme song.

[A scene from the movie with someone driving while a very 70s porn-style soundtrack is playing]

The End

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