|
Pokémon: The First Movie
| |
|
| |
|
Date Aired
|
April 20th, 2008
|
|
Running Time
|
12:50
|
|
Website
|
|
|
Previous Review
|
|
|
Next Review
|
|
|
Real Thoughts
|
|
|
Video
|
 |
(The episode begins with the Nostalgia Critic leaning to the side with his head in his hand.)
Nostalgia Critic: I don't wanna review this movie. I really don't. There are just...some things in this world you don't wanna watch and you don't think you ever have to... but...so many people have requested that I review it that I simply have no choice. I have to review...Pokémon: The First Movie.
(The original Pokémon theme song is played and footage from the anime's intro is shown.)
NC (voiceover): First of all, I should point out I did not grow up with Pokémon as a kid. I was a junior in high school when this show came out, so I was well past the stage of watching children's cartoons. What I do know is that it was based on a Japanese video game that was turned into a card game that was turned into a TV show. And for those of you who don't know what it's about, I can't help you because nobody knew what the hell it was about. I guess there's these three kids who collect monsters that kinda look like Beanie Babies, except they kill one another, and they're being chased by these two gay people (referring to Jessie and James of the Team Rocket trio) or some shit like that.
NC: Nobody could follow it. The only people who understood it at all were the kids. And they turned it into a worldwide phenomenon. So naturally, a movie was in the works. And I have to tell ya, I had a hard time finding this damn film. Not because it's rare or anything, but because there's, like, a million of them!
(Various Pokémon movies are shown.)
NC (voiceover): How the hell am I supposed to know where to start? There's one called Pokémon Heroes, is that the first movie? There's another called Pokémon: Mewtwo Strikes Back (referring to this movie), is that the first movie? There's another one called Pokémon 2000 - well, what the hell does that mean? Is it the date it came out or is it the 2000th film? There's so damn many of them I'd believe either ONE! Finally, I found it, a VHS copy of the first movie that is literally titled Pokémon: The First Movie.
NC: (Holds up the VHS.) I mean, how cocky do you have to be to literally call your first movie THE FIRST MOVIE? (Puts it down.) It's like they knew they were gonna have a bajillion sequels, so they decided to call it the FIRST movie just to make it easy for us. That's like naming the first Lord of the Rings film (text is shown) Lord of the Rings: Don't worry, we're gonna have a SHIT load of sequels.
(A shot of Pikachu looking inquisitive is shown.)
NC (voiceover): But not only that, there's also a million versions of this one film. There's the version that starts off with a short film (Pikachu's Vacation), there's the version with a deleted opening (The Uncut Story of Mewtwo's Origin), there's an English version, a Japanese version, I couldn't keep track. So, I'm just gonna review what's on the original VHS American release.
NC: Now, the nice thing about a movie is they usually give you a lot of background information so that any newcomers can follow along. They do this usually to broaden their audience a little bit. With that said, let's take a look at Japan's cinematic opus: Pokémon: The First Movie.
(The Kids WB! logo pops up.)
NC (voiceover): Oh, that's a good sign.
(The Nintendo logo is next.)
NC (voiceover): Oh, that's even better.
(Finally, the 4Kids Entertainment logo.)
NC (voiceover): What, are they gonna show the people who catered the movie next?
(The movie begins, finally, with a scientific doctor narrating.)
Dr. Fuji: Today, my colleagues will reach the site where an ancient civilization may have created a shrine to Mew, the most powerful Pokémon to have ever existed.
NC: Okay, what's a Pokémon?
Dr. Fuji: Giovanni (the leader of the Team Rocket organization) is financing the expedition.
NC: Who's Giovanni?
Dr. Fuji: For he wants to control the most powerful Pokémon the world has ever known.
NC: What are those things? (Referring to the Butterfrees that are onscreen.)
Dr. Fuji: I, of course, want something more.
NC: Who are you?
Dr. Fuji: Our team is bringing back what we believe to be a Mew fossil.
NC (voiceover): Where are we?
Dr. Fuji: Perhaps then I can unlock the secret to restoring life itself.
NC (voiceover): What, you mean, like, bring people back from the dead and stuff? What's that thing? (Referring to Mew.) Where am I? Is this Earth? Are we in another dimension? Is this the past? The future? The present? What's going on?! Where does this even take place?!
NC: Oh, my God, I'm, like, one minute into this movie, already I'm totally lost! God, this is gonna suck!
James: I'm scared!
Jessie: Me, too!
NC (voiceover): Okay, so they never really tell us what a Pokémon is, but from what I can gather, they're kinda like little monsters that you capture and use for fighting. The way they capture them is that they throw some kind of magical ball (referring to a Poké Ball) that shrinks them down so that you can fit them in your pocket. Kinda like a Pocket Monster or something.
NC: In fact, they should've just called it Pocket Monsters, that at least would make a little bit more sense. But apparently, "Pokémon" is the romanized contraction of the Japanese word, which translates out to... (text saying "Pokemon = Pocket Monster" is shown) oh, you gotta be kidding me. It actually translates out to "Pocket Monster"? Why didn't you just call it "Pocket Monster" then, I know what a Pocket Monster is, it's a monster that fits in your pocket! Easy! Where would you get "Pokémon", that's ridiculous, nobody knows what a Pokémon is! It sounds like something a Jamaican shouts out when he wants to play cards!
(NC is dressed as a Jamaican, holding cards.)
NC: (with accent) 'Ey! Would you like to play some poker, mon? (Meant to sound like "Pokémon".)
(Text saying “Apologies to Jamaicans EVERYWHERE!” is shown. Cut back to the movie.)
NC (voiceover): So, the story is about the clone of the most powerful Pokémon in the world called Mew. The clone's name? Mewtwo.
Corey: Mew and Mewtwo.
Neesha: So, Mewtwo was cloned from Mew.
NC: What is this, a Dr. Seuss book?
NC (voiceover): He's upset because apparently, he doesn't like being a clone. So, he blows up the laboratory with all the innocent scientists burning alive inside.
NC: You know, for kids!
NC (voiceover): Later on, another man (referring to Giovanni) tries to take him under his wing to teach him how to focus his powers. Buuut that doesn't go over well either. After his little temper tantrums, he decides to set out and destroy all of humanity and Pokémon-ity alike. Why? (Mocking voice) Because the world is dark, cruel, meaningless, and can't conjure up better writers to create a better backstory.
Brock: That's progress.
NC: (normal voice) Meanwhile, on the other side of... wherever this all takes place, we come across our three main characters: Misty, Brock, and Ash, a Pokémon trainer, who I think would be a lot cooler if he was more like the Ash from the Evil Dead movies.
(Cut to a clip from Evil Dead II.)
Ash Williams: Swallow this.
(Ash fires his gun and a shot of Pikachu and Pikachutwo being engulfed in an explosion is shown.)
NC: Now, I've heard a lotta people complain how these three characters have absolutely no personality. But I think they have plenty of personality! For example:
NC (voiceover): Brock has the personality of mud, Misty has the personality of motor oil, and even Ash has the distinct personality of sandpaper.
NC: Now, I know what you're thinking: Isn't that a little extreme? I mean, even sandpaper can be interesting sometimes.
Ash: Guess you're right.
NC (voiceover): These three kids set out to collect as many Pokémon as possible.
NC: Because... I guess somebody has to.
NC (voiceover): They're followed by the evil trio known as Team Rocket, who want to steal Ash's Pokémon and use them for their own evil deeds. The humans' names are Jessie and James.
NC: Oh, I get it, like Jesse James, the famous outlaw, (starts to laugh a little) yeah, that's, uh...that's, uh...(shakes his head) r-really not funny.
(Team Rocket groans. Cut back to the film, showing one of the only talking Pokémon in the franchise.)
NC (voiceover): And there's also Meowth, a Pokémon who for some reason can speak English, unlike the other Pokémons (sic), who can say only their names over and over and over.
(A montage of this happening is shown.)
NC: Which sounds pretty annoying at first, but after you hear dialogue like this:
Brock: She's really small, but really pretty.
NC: ...you'll be praying for one-word sentences.
(A shot of a Togepi exclaiming its name is shown.)
NC (voiceover): So, Mewtwo sets up a tournament of the "Pokémons", which turns out is just a trap so he can make clones of all of them to take over the world. Our three heroes try to make it to the tournament, but a dangerous storm threatens their way. So, clever Team Rocket pretends to help them out, disguising themselves as... Swedish Vikings?
Jessie: (disguised with accent) Ve getcha to New Island faster than you can say farfignugen!
(NC groans with his head in his hands.)
Brock: I didn't know Vikings still existed!
Ash: They mostly live in Minnesota!
(Text saying "Apologies to Minnesotans EVERYWHERE!" is shown. Cut back to the movie.)
NC (voiceover): But Team Rocket's plan backfires and our heroes make it safely to Mewtwo's fortress. There, they discover his evil plan as Mewtwo captures all the Pokémon and makes clones of them down below. But the Pokémen (sic) are later freed and ready to kick some Poké-ass.
NC: And the rest of the movie is pretty much this:
(A montage of the Pokémon and their clones fighting with added sound effects is shown.)
NC: It's nothing, but, fighting!
NC (voiceover): It's just "Pokémen" running, zapping, jumping, ducking, screaming...and since they're fighting their own clones, I can't even tell which one I'm supposed to be rooting for! The only interesting thing that happens is that the original Mew shows up to challenge Mewtwo. And I don't know if it's because I don't watch the show, but...i-is Mew supposed to be ret*rded? I mean, he doesn't do anything. He just bounces around, making mumbling noises to himself. Is that normal?
(A shot of Mew getting hit with an attack, sending him flying, is shown.)
NC: Thank you!
NC (voiceover): While looking over all these Furbies beating the shit out of each other, Ash finally comes to a stunning realization:
NC: (mocking voice) Fighting must be... bad!
(Shots of the Pokémon fighting make NC react dramatically as "Adagio for Strings" is played.)
NC: (whispering) When will we learn?
NC (voiceover): (theatrically) Oh...even Pikachu is getting horribly beaten.
(A shot of Pikachutwo tearfully slapping Pikachu repeatedly is shown.)
NC: No, Pikachu, no!
NC (voiceover): Stop hitting yourself!
NC: Stop hitting yourself!
(The same shot is looped with increasing speed.)
NC (voiceover): Talk about self-abuse!
NC: (normally) So, what are we supposed to learn from this onslaught of violence?
Misty: This just proves that fighting is wrong.
NC: Yes, violence is never the answer in any situa--
Nurse Joy: Pokémon aren't meant to fight, not like this.
NC: Oh, you're still going, sorry.
Nurse Joy: What can come out of it?
Neesha: Nothing...but pain.
NC: Ya done? Okay. So, after we discover that--
Brock: Why can't Mewtwo understand it's not right to force Pokémon to battle this way?
(NC awkwardly looks around, but allows him and Misty to talk.)
Misty: They're all living creatures.
(NC tries again, but is cut off again and puts his head in his hand, annoyed.)
James: Now I can see how horrible fighting really is.
Jessie: Even the best of friends'll fight sometimes.
(NC tries once again, but is cut off once again and puts his head down on his desk.)
Meowth: Maybe if we started lookin' at what's the same instead of always lookin' at what's different...well, who knows?
Ash: Someone's gotta take a stand. (NC lifts his head to try once more, but lowers it again due to the ongoing messages.) Someone's gotta say no.
James: I was prepared for trouble...but not for this.
NC: Okay, seriously, ya done?
(Still shots of the characters are shown.)
NC (voiceover): Are ya sure?
NC: There's no other obvious life lessons you wanna cram into our heads? (Still shots of the characters are shown again, implying that they have nothing more to say.) Okay. So, after that, we find out that there's--
Nurse Joy: I'd rather risk my life out in Mewtwo's storm--
NC: SHUT UUUP! Goddammit, shut up! We get it! Violence is bad! Don't fight! We will not fight! How many times do you have to hammer this shit in?! I mean, talking about it doesn't make us LESS violent, it makes us MORE violent!
(Shots of the original Pokémon intro are shown again, then shots of the battered Pokémon in the movie to show the contradiction.)
NC (voiceover): I mean, am I the only one that finds it a little ironic that a franchise that's made its whole profit on nothing BUT fighting is suddenly telling us that it's BAD to be fighting?
NC: How fucking hypocritical is that? That's like O.J. Simpson going around telling everybody that it's bad to kill people!
Brock: At least his mouth is working.
NC (voiceover): Amidst all the violence and chaos, we see that Ash gets caught in the middle of a laser-blast and is transformed into a stone statue. I know I should feel bad, but all I'm thinking about is how great it'd be if I actually got stoned right now.
Mewtwo: You are as pathetic as the rest.
NC (voiceover): So, the "Pokémen" stop fighting and have a good cry at the lost (sic) of their fallen hero. (Shots of the original Pokémon and their clones crying with their tears flowing toward Ash are shown.) But wait a minute... oh, no, they can't be.
NC: I mean, I knew this movie was bad, but...no, no, i-it's impossible, th-this movie can't possibly be that stupid.
NC (voiceover): (derisive tone) Oh, my God, they are. They're using their tears of unfathomable sadness to bring their fallen hero back to life. Suck, my, balls.
NC: (normal tone) I mean, how more clichéd can you possibly get? A-and on top of that, what kind of lesson is that to teach your kids? If you cry hard enough, dead people will come back from the grave? Bullshit! I mean, in a Disney film at least, when somebody is dead, they STAY DEAD. I mean, how would you like it if in Lion King, you heard somebody say:
(Cut to the original Lion King movie where Simba discovers that Mufasa has been trampled to death.)
NC (voiceover): (eccentric voice) "Don't worry, Simba, if you cry hard enough, your father will come back from the grave! I don't see his eyes opening. I guess you're not crying hard enough.
NC: Go on, Simba, cry, cry!
NC (voiceover): Don't you want your father to come back to life? Do you want him to stay dead forever? Cry harder, Simba. Harder. Harder! HARDER! I guess you don't love your father enough. Oh, well. That's the Circle of Life, kid. Tough break."
NC: (normal voice) Ya see? It's fucking creepy.
Misty: Something's not right!
NC (voiceover): So, after Ash is brought back from the dead, Mewtwo decides he doesn't want to fight anymore and that he wants to take all his clones to live a good and peaceful life. Unfortunately, he also takes all the human characters back in time and erases their memories, so they can totally forget the lesson that we spent an hour-and-a-half LEARNING IN THE FIRST PLACE!
Misty: Well, that sure was a shocking ending.
NC: So, now they can go back to their normal ways, fighting all they want, because they can't remember that fighting was bad. What kind of a message is that? It's okay to fight as long as you know that fighting isn't good? What a rip-off! I mean, how about a real lesson, like, uh...uh...
(Cut to a clip from Batman Begins.)
Batman: It's not who I am underneath... but what I do... that defines me.
NC: Hey, that's pretty good, thanks, Batman! (Batman flies off.) What a nice guy, but he has a point! Just because you know something is bad doesn't excuse you from doing it. A real lesson from a real hero.
Fergus: No way!
NC (voiceover): Bottom line: This movie is stupid. It's stupid because it's boring, it's boring because it's confusing, and it's confusing because it's stupid. Even the moral makes no fucking sense, so how am I supposed to trust the rest of it?
NC: I never watched Pokémon and I'm glad I never did. We had good shows in our day. Like the one about the mutant reptiles who ate pizza and practiced ninjut...su... (looks disappointed) or the one about the three chipmunks who got together and got their own rock...band...going... (looks disappointed again) or the one about the bears who... made people feel better by shooting hearts out of their... stomachs... (looks disappointed once more before saying...) THOSE WERE THE DAYS! I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to.
("The End" is shown with the original Pokémon theme song being played again.)
Notes[]
- Mewtwo Strikes Back actually is the first movie. The movie's full title is Pokémon: The First Movie - Mewtwo Strikes Back. Additionally, the second movie, The Power of One (Pokémon the Movie 2000), was already out in Japan where it was called Revelation: Lugia by the time Mewtwo Strikes Back was released in the US.
- Contrary to NC's speculation about them knowing that this movie would have sequels, Takeshi Shudo (the screenwriter) intended for this film to be the series finale.
- Japan actually does often refer to Pokémon as Pocket Monsters.
- This episode marks the first appearance of the quote "You know, for kids!"
- The version of the movie with the deleted opening expands on Mewtwo's backstory, as well as (at least in the English dub) explains the revival powers of Pokémon tears, which are also mentioned in one of the scenes during Mewtwo's storm. Additionally, the Japanese version of the movie has morals regarding eugenics and existentialism instead of "fighting is wrong", as well as portrays Mewtwo as more philosophical and trying to find his place in the world, as opposed to simply wanting to wipe out everyone.
- Ash's original (Japanese) name is Satoshi, named after Satoshi Tajiri, the creator of the Pokémon franchise. Additionally, Jessie and James's original names are Musashi and Kojirō, named after the Japanese swordsmen Miyamoto Musashi and Sasaki Kojirō, respectively.
- The reason Meowth speaks like a human is because he taught himself to do so in an attempt to impress and win over a female of his species. This was explained in the episode "Go West Young Meowth", which aired after this movie was released.
- The correct plural of "Pokémon" is simply "Pokémon", as opposed to "Pokémons" (or "Pokémen").
- Contrary to NC's statement about Disney characters staying dead, plenty of Disney characters have been revived after seemingly dying like Ash in this movie (the official name of this trope is even called "Disney Death"). Additionally, according to Shudo, Ash didn't actually die when he was turned to stone, he was only petrified.