Playmate of the Apes

Playmate of the Apes
Release Date	July 12, 2017
Running Time	17:12
Previous Review	Spanker-Man
Next Review	Sex and the City
Tagline	The Cinema Snob checks out the spoof, Playmate of the Apes.
Link	http://www.thecinemasnob.com/the-cinema-snob/play-mate-of-the-apes/

The Cinema Snob: It's about time a movie like this happened! After all, it's one thing to tell us about a planet made up entirely of apes, but this movie speaks to everyone's demands of "we wanna see 'em BANG!"

Opening titles

Snob (VO): Play-mate of the Apes comes to us from the distant past of 2002.

Snob: (Whilst rubbing his chin) Wait a minute. That means this will most likely be a spoof of the 2001 Planet of the Apes, which means the vagina makeup will be top-notch, but nothing else will be!

Snob (VO): The box cover tells us that the movie is from the creators of (Close-up on...) The Erotic Witch Project, and Sexy Scary Movie, but it fails to mention the most important piece of information, (Back to the credits) which is that director John Baccus also brought us (Title card for the episode on...) The Bloody Video Horror That Made Me Puke on My Aunt Gertrude!

Snob: He has no business making another movie until he tells me who in the fuck is Aunt Gertrude! There was no Aunt Gertrude in that film! (Still of Another Son of Sam) Is SHE the one who took the missing money?

Snob (VO): The movie begins with that Mark Twain quote that was clearly about porn stars and apes. "I believe that Our Heavenly Father invented the monkey, because He was disappointed in man."

Snob: Mark Twain demanded that that monkey quote be put into a movie about apes. That way, he could be the first person in history to get actual lead.

Snob (VO): The film stars Misty Mundae; Garfield's least favorite adult film actress! Um, would you mind not orgasming on the other actors' names? It's not in their contract! While the Link may be Missing, (Freeze-frame) I guess we know his first name is John, so that'll help. And about the music...!

The theme plays, consisting of drum beats and synthesizers

Snob: You idiots! You're accidentally using the Super Nintendo theme instead!

Snob (VO): The film is written by John Bacchus, (Freeze-frame) and several other people who aren't important enough to have their lettering be as big as John's. I would look up the other writers, (Cut to the film's IMDb page, with Spider-Man: Homecoming advertising swarming it) but I can't with Spider-Man silently judging me for being on an IMDb page for a PORNO MOVIE! (The film begins) So as we see arrowheads flying through space, (Cut inside, with Commander Gaylor [Mundae, AKA Erin Brown] at the controls) our hero is asleep, (Lt. Pushkintucushkin [Anoushka] and Lt. Fornication [Sharon Engert] beam in) while the others are frozen in giant sticks of Big Red! (Close-up on one of them) "Hello, I'll be your Brigitte Nielsen for the movie." (They make out) Now we have truly become the first nation to send hot lesbian action into space!

Snob: Unfortunately, the captain was jerking off, so they're about to crash!

Gaylor: (After taking off her helmet) Oh, SHIT!

Snob (VO): It was Chris Pratt! He was worried he was gonna die alone in space without ever watching softcore lesbian porn again! (The ship plummets towards the planet) There, this planet right outside the window will work.

Meanwhile, on the planet itself...

Ape: Ah, great. Another human spaceship crashing through our planet.

Snob: It's a planet of ape costumes!

Snob (VO): Now that they've crashed on Planet Crystal Lake, time to point fingers!

Gaylor: What the HELL is going on?! What happened?!

Fornication: The capsule launched early.

Gaylor: Oh, SURE, Lt. Fornication! That's why you guys were ass-naked and kissing!

Snob: Hmmm. Misty Mundae is the first porno spoof actress to ever talk sense!

Snob (VO): Now let's put our masks back on! We might die if we take them off, or, uh, wait... This movie was made during that trend where people made their own duct-tape shoes! Or is that tinfoil, and her (Freeze-frame) feet are baked potatoes? Speaking of baked...

Gaylor is now lying on the sand

Gaylor: (Coughs) I'm gonna DIE out here!

Snob (VO): Need penis!

To be continued