November 20, 2019
Doug (vo): This episode brought to you by...
(Suddenly, NC pops up, smiling widely and wearing his "I [Donut] Donuts" shirt)
Three Clay Singers: After these messages...
Clay Fire Hydrant: (singing) After these messages...
Clay Cowboy: (singing) After these messages...
Clay Dog: (singing) After these messages...
(The title "This Episode Brought to You by Commercials!" is shown)
Three Clay Singers: (audio) ...we'll be right back!
- 1 PetSter toy
- 2 Flintstones Chewable Vitamins
- 3 My Buddy & Kid Sister dolls
- 4 Cadbury Creme Egg
- 5 Pioneer Chicken
- 6 Popsicle ice pops
- 7 Panda Cheese
- 8 Chargertron toy
- 9 Domino's Pizza (The Noid)
- 10 Kenner Star Wars Lightsaber
- 11 Cliffhanger video game
- 12 ALF plush toys
- 13 Gainomax energy drinks
- 14 Think! Road Safety PSAs
- 15 Ireland Anti-Speeding PSA
- 16 See also
(TV static transition to: PetSter commercial)
Commercial Announcer: This is a PetSter.
NC (vo): Hey, parents, want to put all the hair your Roomba sucks up on top of it and say it's a pet? Enjoy.
(In the commercial, a boy and a girl clap their hands, and the PetSter comes to them)
Announcer: And this is the kid who got it to come.
NC: Oh, it's that kind of toy. Okay.
NC (vo): I guess when I heard he got a robotic pussy, I should've put this together.
(The girl is shown clapping her hands as the PetSter moves around)
Announcer: His sister made it go right or left just by clapping her hands.
NC: (wide-eyed amazement) Just like a real cat! (We then see NC's cat, Chaplin, sitting on a chair) Hey, Chaplin! (NC claps his hands repeatedly, but Chaplin doesn't respond. NC then claps a second time, but Chaplin still ignores him. Then the word "FUN" pops up in yellow) FUN!
(In the commercial, another boy with a PetSter claps his hands and then tosses a ball)
Boy: Go get it! (claps again as PetSter moves away)
Announcer: Their neighbor likes to play games with PetSter.
NC (vo): Your parents will love the constant clapping noise this even-less-expressive Tribble will conjure up.
(NC sits there, frowning heavily, as he hears clapping offscreen)
Boy (voiced by Doug): (clapping) Hey, Dad, look! Kitty! HEY, DAD, LOOK! KITTY! HEY, DAD, LOOK! KITTY!! HEY, DAD, LOOK! KITTY!!! HEY, DAD, LOOK! KITTY!!! HEY, DAD, LOOK–
(Suddenly, NC's face turns demonic as he turns and roars at his "son", who screams. Then cut back to the commercial, showing a little girl stroking her own PetSter, which purrs)
Announcer: And the little girl down the street just loves him, even though PetSter's batteries are not included.
NC: (stumped) That was a weird segue to that fact.
Announcer: ...even though PetSter's batteries are not included.
NC: (as little girl, looking offscreen) You're the greatest kitty ever!
PetSter (voiced by Doug): Even though my batteries aren't included?
(Suddenly, the camera zooms in on NC's face, which is now enraged)
NC: (booming voice, pointing offscreen) GET OUT OF MY MEMORY!!
(Another girl is sitting on a porch swing as she watches her PetSter go around in circles)
Announcer: Then there's the kid who let PetSter do its own thing, while she did nothing at all.
NC: So if your kid's a lazy shit, look up...
(The commercial is shown again, along with an image of the Ice Cream Kitty (from an episode of the 2012 version of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles) appearing in the corner)
NC (vo): ...this melted Ice Cream Kitty to enable her.
(The product is displayed, with two PetSters, one slightly bigger than the other, next to each other, with an attachable leash next to them)
Announcer: The PetSter and PetSter Deluxe with leash are sold separately.
NC: This goddamn thing needs a leash??
NC (vo): Yeah, put this robot with batteries and moving parts on a rope. Kids won't use it as a weapon of pummeling at all.
(Cut to the boy and girl from earlier)
Boy: Here, kitty. (PetSter comes up to him)
NC (vo): Yeah, a weak toy for a weak commercial. Definitely puts the "pester" in "PetSter".
Announcer: ...are sold separately, by Axlon.
(A shot of Chaplin appears in the corner)
Chaplin (voiced by Doug): I'm PetSter.
Lloyd (voiced by Brad): No, you're not!
Flintstones Chewable Vitamins
(TV static transition to: Flintstones Vitamins commercial)
Kid Singers: ♫ We are Flintstones kids! ♫
NC (vo): Ah, a timeless classic. If you were around my age, you probably grew up with Flintstone Vitamins. Hell, maybe even younger, as they still seem to be around. One of the biggest draws to them was this cute little commercial with this catchy-as-hell jingle.
(The whole commercial shows a lot of kids doing various activities while some other kids are shown taking Flintstones Vitamins)
Kid Singers: ♫ We are Flintstones kids! Ten million strong and growing... ♫
Commercial Announcer: Preferred by more moms than any other children's vitamin.
NC: Most dads would agree, too, (becomes nervous) if he ever came back home. He just went out to get Flintstones Cigarettes, right?
(Cut to a clip of a Winston Cigarettes sponsor plug for The Flintstones, showing Fred and Wilma Flintstone lighting up cigarettes and smoking them)
Fred: (singing) Winston tastes good, like a... (clicks cigarette lighter twice) ...cigarette should.
(Cut back, quite jarringly, to the Flintstones Vitamins commercial)
NC (vo): Actually, it is funny that these characters are being used to sell healthy products, considering the huge amount of unhealthy products they've sold in the past.
(Cut to another clip of another Winston sponsor plug for The Flintstones, showing Fred and Barney Rubble taking a "Winston break" as they each take a Winston cigarette from the carton to smoke)
Fred: Winston is the one filter cigarette that delivers flavor twenty times a pack.
(Now cut to a commercial for Busch Beer, also featuring Fred)
Fred: When you're due for a beer, Busch does it.
(Now cut, again jarringly, to a more kid-friendly commercial, showing an ad for a Flintstones placemat from Denny's)
Commercial Announcer: Now Denny's has a placemat collection featuring the Flintstones.
NC: Hey, (points to screen) you know they're in the same ballpark!
(Cut back to the Busch Beer commercial)
Fred: Ooh, there's a lot of Busch gonna be sold!
(Suddenly, a broad zoot hat with a feather in it appears on top of Fred's head, along with the phrase "PIMP LIFE" appearing at the bottom. Cut back to the current commercial)
NC (vo): Regardless, this is still a nice commercial with a nice song that's sure to stay in your head.
Kid Singers: ♫ We are Flintstones kids! Ten million strong... ♫
Girl Singer: ♫ ...And groooowing. ♫
(The commercial ends with a girl blowing out the candles of a birthday cake)
NC: And that's why we're interviewing the composer of that commercial today! (Suddenly becomes confused) Wait, what?
Chart Guy 1: That's right. The chart says people want more intellectual conversation.
Chart Guy 2: So you're going to interview the man who scored the music for this commercial.
NC: But I don't want to interview some dumb, lousy–
Chart Guy 1: Before you continue, I should point out (points behind NC) he's right behind you.
NC: (awkward pause) Well, that bit died. (Turns around while smiling to see the man who composed the Flintstones Vitamins commercial jingle, Michael Salvatori, sitting next to him) Hi, there.
Salvatori: Hi, there, I'm Michael.
(The Chart Guys sink back down, leaving the room)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic.
Salvatori: (pointing to him) You remember it so I don't have to.
NC: (feeling embarrassed) Yes, I... (low voice) never realized how lame that sounded until you said it. (cheerfully) So tell me about writing the Flintstones Vitamin jingle.
Salvatori: Well, it all started when we were approached to compose the Flintstones Vitamins commercial.
NC: No kidding.
Salvatori: Well, it wasn't just me, it was me and Marty O'Donnell, and we actually co-wrote it. Honestly, the majority of it was his idea, but we still collaborated together. (NC looks away, bored, with his head resting on his hand) Anyway, I asked what the project was. He said it was the Flintstones Vitamins commercial. I told him at the time that I didn't take Flintstones Vitamins. He assured me it was mostly for children. That made me feel a little better. (NC starts nodding off to sleep, before quickly waking up, looking wide-eyed) With that in mind, I decided to make the focus mainly on kids, with kids singing the song. In fact, the little girl who sings, "And growing," at the end, do you know who she was? (NC stares) That was my daughter! Yeah, my daughter. I remember she was so nervous about singing the line, but we assured her there was nothing to be nervous about. So guess what? After I told her there was nothing to be nervous about, she found absolutely nothing to be nervous about.
NC: (abruptly) That's fascinating! But you know what's even more fascinating?
(NC takes Salvatori over to his shelves full of Blu-Rays)
NC: If you told that story to our Blu-Ray shelf. You see, he's a character on the show, and the biggest, biggest Flintstones Vitamin fan.
Salvatori: Really? It just looks like an ordinary Blu-Ray shelf to me.
NC: It's not. It's, like ,the most popular character on the show, even though all it does is stand there and be quiet.
Salvatori: And people watch that?
NC: It's the Internet; ironic non-humor. There's probably a four-hour video of it just standing there or something. (quickly) Get talking!
(He leaves. Salvatori stares at the Blu-Ray shelf in confusion, before quickly accepting and beginning to speak to it)
Salvatori: Okay. Well, anyway, so we were thinking of putting the Flintstones characters into the commercial, but then, we thought about it and thought about it and thought about it...and decided "No."
(NC, meanwhile, returns to his spot on the couch, sighing with relief)
NC: Next commercial.
My Buddy & Kid Sister dolls
(TV static transition to: My Buddy & Kid Sister commercial. The first commercial shows a boy playing with the My Buddy doll outdoors)
Boy Singer: ♫ My Buddy ♫
Kid Singers: ♫ My Buddy! ♫
Boy Singer: ♫ My Buddy ♫
Kid Singers: ♫ My Buddy! ♫
NC (vo): Hey, kids, don't have any real friends but the Internet isn't a thing yet? My Buddy!
Boy Singer: ♫ My Buddy ♫
Kid Singers: ♫ My Buddy! ♫
Kid Singers: ♫ My Buddy and me! ♫
NC (vo): Yes, whether your child alienated himself by setting fires, using slurs, or was just generally unlikable, My Buddy was there to substitute as a friend.
NC: Oh, and don't forget Kid Sister.
(The second commercial shows a girl playing with the Kid Sister doll outdoors)
Girl Singer: ♫ Kid Sister ♫
Kid Singers: ♫ Kid Sister! ♫
Girl Singer: ♫ Kid Sister ♫
Kid Singers: ♫ Kid Sister! ♫
(One shot of the commercial shows the girl dancing with the doll while three girls sit on a bench in the background, looking bored)
NC (vo): Yes, even girls need something to drag kids around while she uncomfortably ignores them, yet forces them to watch as she plays alone.
NC (vo, as a young girl): Katie, what are we doing here?
NC (vo, as Katie): Shut up or she'll hit us again.
(Another shot shows the girl and the doll looking at a fish tank)
NC (vo): Look, fish. That's hilarious. Ha-ha-ha-ha!
Boy Singer: ♫ My Buddy ♫
Kid Singers: ♫ My Buddy! ♫
Girl Singer: ♫ Kid Sister ♫
Kid Singers: ♫ Kid Sister! ♫
Kid Singers: ♫ My Buddy and me! ♫
NC: You know, I've always wondered if anybody grew up with My Buddy. Like, continually grew up with him.
NC (vo): Did anyone actually still keep him as a friend? Honestly, College My Buddy might even be more useful than Kid My Buddy.
(Cut to NC sitting on a couch with smoke coming from the bottom of the screen)
NC: Man. All I want to do is sit around and look at the ceiling. What do you think, College My Buddy? (College My Buddy is shown on the couch to be a doll wearing adult clothing, having a beard, and holding a joint) Yeah, you get it, man! You get it.
(College My Buddy is shown with an added caption that says...)
NC (vo; as announcer): College My Buddy comes with actual buds.
(Back to My Buddy ad)
NC (vo): Eh, it's still a catchy song with an innocent feel, just for a weird...even kinda creepy product.
Announcer: My Buddy and Kid Sister. Each sold separately.
(We zoom in on My Buddy)
Chucky: (audio) GIVE ME THE POWER, I BEG OF YOU!!
Announcer: From Playskool.
Cadbury Creme Egg
(TV static transition to: Cadbury Creme Egg commercial. It shows the Cadbury Bunny clucking like a chicken)
Cadbury Bunny: Bawk-bawk-bawk-bawk-bawk-bawk-bawk-BWAAAK!
(The rabbit then moves aside, revealing a nest full of Cadbury Creme Eggs)
Announcer: You're looking at a very unusual kind of egg.
NC (vo): It ain't Easter yet, but chances are, you remember this one. The Cadbury Bunny is a trademark every holiday season for the Cadbury Creme Eggs, with his adorable look, constant clucking, and ability to shit candy that tastes like chocolate and, let's be honest, a little like actual shit.
NC: Yeah, I know a lot of people liked this product, but I never understood it, especially after watching the commercials.
NC (vo): Because let's face it, the candy never looked as good as it did here. I mean, look at that. (The commercials show people slowly breaking a chocolate egg piece into two, revealing the cream on the inside) It's like if a chocolate could have an orgasm; it looks like the tastiest thing you could imagine. The actual product?
(With a look of disgust, NC opens his own Cadbury Creme Egg, revealing that it has more of an unappetizing yellow hue, rather than the white/yellow appearance of a real egg in the commercial)
NC: Well, I'll give it this. (The camera cuts to a closeup of this product he holds) It does look like an abandoned pregnancy.
NC (vo): Even if you tried to do it delicately, to get that slow, gooey look...
(Looking quite sick, NC tries to do it as they do in the commercial. Again, it doesn't quite look like the commercial)
NC: It looks like Plastic Man's semen; it's like the most unappealing thing ever!
NC (vo): Even the Bunny's final cluck sounds like a warning not to buy them.
Cadbury Bunny: Bawk-bawk-bawk-bawk-bawk-BWAAAK!
NC: Like, "You'll be sorry!"
NC (vo): There was actually a controversy long ago because they made the size smaller over the years. (An image of a current Cadbury Creme Egg is shown, before cutting back to NC opening his Creme Egg) Good! The less of this Oompa-Loompa turd you can put in your body, the better!
Announcer: Why, they're the best thing to come along since the Easter Bunny, and when he's gone, they're gone.
(The words "THANK GOD!" appear over the screen)
NC (vo): What's interesting is these are the American commercials for the Cadbury Bunny, but Cadbury is a British company. I'm kinda wondering what the bunny looks like in the UK.
(As if on cue, we then cut to a commercial for Cadbury in the UK. It is quite different, in animated cartoon form. It shows a mole wearing glasses running through a forest, but tripping on a rock. As he falls to the ground and slides forward, he loses his glasses and slides up to a female brown rabbit wearing a ribbon around her neck and holding the mole's glasses in one hand and some Cadbury chocolate in the other)
Cadbury Bunny: (sultry female voice) Take it easy, Mr. Mole. (puts Mr. Mole's glasses back on his face)
NC: (stunned) Wwwwhooooa...
(The female Cadbury Bunny is seen saying the company's tagline, "Take it even easier...")
NC (vo): Britain's bunny is a little...um, boobier.
(A montage of clips of commercials is shown, showing the Cadbury Bunny showing the product to various forest animals, all of whom swoon over her. In one, she shows the product to a beaver)
Cadbury Bunny: Haven't you heard of Cadbury's Caramel?
Beaver: (shaking his head no) Mm-mm.
Cadbury Bunny: (unwrapping some) See as the thick Cadbury's milk chocolate (breaks the product in half, revealing caramel inside) melts with that dreamy caramel...
(In another, she shows the product to a pair of weasels dressed like news reporters, who also become smitten over her)
Cadbury Bunny: Take it easy with Cadbury's Caramel.
NC: (softly as he nervously shakes his head) Their Cadbury Bunny makes me think wrong things. Things I shouldn't do to bunnies.
(In yet another commercial, a hare, who was racing a tortoise, gets distracted by the Cadbury Bunny and starts swooning over her)
Cadbury Bunny: See how the thick Cadbury's milk chocolate melts into smooth, golden caramel.
(She holds it out to the hare, who blinks his eyes and his tongue drops out, panting)
NC (vo): For years, all Americans had was (An image of Lola Bunny from Space Jam appears in the corner) Space Jam to quench the growing bunny sex thirst. There was this treasure trove for a select audience the whole time?!
Cadbury Bunny: (to a beaver who had almost finished gnawing on a tree) Hey, Mr. Beaver, why are you beavering around? (The beaver stares, wide-eyed, at the Cadbury Bunny, with his flat tail erect)
NC: (shaking head) That was not a mistake. None of this is by accident.
(In yet another commercial, a nicely-dressed white rabbit, wearing a derby, a vest and a bowtie, and holding a case in his hand, runs up to a sign pointing the ways to "This way" and "That way", and looks around quite nervously. Yeah, this is the White Rabbit, as in from "Alice In Wonderland")
White Rabbit: I'm late for a very important date!
Cadbury Bunny: Hey, Mr. Rabbit. Why are you so twitchy?
(This whole time, the White Rabbit becomes twitchy, but this time with excitement, as he becomes smitten over her. He eagerly adjusts his bow tie for her and blushes)
NC (vo; as White Rabbit): Oh-ho, you make me wanna grow genitalia to explore!
(In another commercial, the Cadbury Bunny is addressing a bee reclining on a flower)
Cadbury Bunny: You just have to take everything really easy.
(Suddenly, the ground shakes under the Bunny and the flower the bee is on. The Bunny yelps in surprise as a mole wearing glasses pops up from out of the ground, right under her. It looks around as the Bunny, who had been sitting on it, gets down off of it)
NC: (pointing to the screen) That mole is going to... (The camera zooms in on the mole) ...replay that one second in his mind every day until he dies!
(In yet another commercial, the Cadbury Bunny is giving a Cadbury Caramel bar to a group of army ants, literally wearing army attire)
Cadbury Bunny: At ease. Here. (The ants take the bar as she takes out another for herself) See how the thick Cadbury's milk chocolate...
NC (vo): This is so sexualized, yet she's talking so soothingly, she must have a sex hotline as a side job!
(NC is talking on his cell phone with a look of apprehension on his face)
Cadbury Bunny (voiced by Tamara): (on phone) Mmm! What are you thinking about?
NC: Humans. I am thinking about humans.
Cadbury Bunny: Why don't you take it easy and think about Cadbury chocolates?
NC: (blinking eyes nervously) Okay...
Cadbury Bunny: You like chocolate, don't you?
NC: If you say so, yes.
Cadbury Bunny: Just imagine the sexiest lady in the world covered in chocolate, (NC closes his eyes) melting all over her body.
Cadbury Bunny: Isn't she sexy?
NC: (smiling) Yes...?
Cadbury Bunny: ...She's a bunny.
NC: (frustrated) OH, COME ON!
Cadbury Bunny: Sorry, she was a bunny. You like rabbits now. It's the law.
NC: (sighs disgustedly and shakes his head around) Why did they ever pass that law?!
(Footage of both versions of the Cadbury Bunny are shown)
Cadbury Bunny: Take it easy with Cadbury's Caramel.
Beavis: (audio from Beavis and Butt-Head) Bo-yo-yo-yo-yoing! (Butt-Head is heard chuckling)
(TV static transition to: Pioneer Chicken commercial. It shows O.J. Simpson eating at a Pioneer Chicken restaurant)
Announcer: Hey, O.J., you sure enjoy that golden Pioneer Chicken.
NC: This aged great.
(Various commercials are shown, all showcasing O.J. Simpson promoting Pioneer Chicken)
O.J.: Oh, yeah, I love it.
NC (vo): If people knew this is what Pioneer Chicken meant by stop on in and get a free O.J., I don't think there's many people would have dropped by.
O.J.: Thanks for relaxing with friends and enjoy Pioneer Summer Fun Special.
NC (vo): Yep, there was a time when O.J. Simpson was the official spokesperson for this chain. And let's just say, the jokes write themselves.
(Various footage of the commercials play out, with NC saying a joke while imitating O.J.)
Announcer (vo): Hey, O.J.. Why are you so happy?
NC: Well, verdict of innocent is a pleasant start.
O.J. (vo): To get eight large pieces of golden Pioneer Chicken, mashed potatoes, gravy and coleslaw for just $6.99.
NC: You'll kill for chicken this good.
O.J.: And Pioneer's even got free coupons for Universal Studios tour.
NC: Take a stab at these deals.
O.J. (vo): Golden Pioneer Chicken has a crispy, crunchy taste.
NC: I did it. (Beat) I had more than one biscuit!
(A shot of the first commercial reveals another O.J. sitting next to the real O.J.)
NC (vo): Wait a minute. There's two of him? That completely changes everything. Open the case back up! There's new evidence, man! New evidence!
(Another commercial shows O.J. seen in the company of Frankenstein's Monster, an astronaut and a jungle man)
O.J.: It's a great way to make new friends. Right, fellas?
NC: Don't steal shit from me, man. I got ways to getting you back.
Announcer (vo; speaking to the two O.J.s): Well, at least you both agree on Pioneer's new butter milk biscuits.
NC: And if the glove don't fit, it must acquit.
NC (vo): I know these commercials were harmless the time they were made, so maybe I should look at it from the point of view of what was popular then.
NC: Like, what were some hit comedies at the time? The Naked Gun. (A poster of The Naked Gun appears next to NC and then a photo of O.J. as Norberg appears next to NC) Ah, Christ.
O.J.: Why, they're almost as good as my mama.
Second O.J.: Your mama?
NC (vo): Yeah, they were fine for what they were, but a little uncomfortable now for what they are.
Singers: ♫ Pioneer! ♫
O.J.: (to the second O.J.) Mama never told me about you.
(A clip from Saturday Night Live is shown at the bottom of the screen with Bill Murray as a news anchor)
Bill Murray: Oh, great. As if O.J. isn't busy enough tracking down the real killers...
(We go back to NC)
NC: Wouldn't you agree, Michael? (Suddenly, he yelps as he sees Michael Salvatori again sitting next to him, grinning) Where'd you come from?
Salvatori: Well, your Blu-Ray shelf enjoyed my story so much, that he said I should come over and share 'em with you.
(NC quickly notices his Blu-Ray shelf suddenly has eyes and a mouth)
Shelf: He's surprisingly interesting the more you listen.
Salvatori: Thanks, Shelf. Ten million strong...
Shelf: And groooowing.
Salvatori: So, at first, we thought about writing a song that included the Flintstones names. (NC becomes extremely bored again and sighs in annoyance) But then we discovered interestingly enough that there was no Betty vitamin. That was because Betty was shaped too much like Wilma, so they substituted her for a car. Isn’t that funny?
NC: You know, this reminds me of another portion of the show. (Cut to NC guiding Michael to the basement, where they notice a hole in the floor) This is our interviewing hole.
Salvatori: Interviewing hole?
NC: Yeah, it was here when we moved in, I don't know where it leads. And one of the things we love to do is have people give interviews to it.
Salvatori: Well, like you said, the Internet.
NC: The Internet, that's right. Hop to it, buddy!
(He prepares to leave as Salvatori starts speaking to the hole)
Salvatori: Okay. So we asked ourselves, selves, "What would kids relate to most?" And we decided they'd relate to other kids. (NC stops to look at Salvatori) So we got an adorable children's choir to sing...
NC: (sighs) This feels wrong. (Turns back to walk towards Salvatori)
Salvatori: ...adorable shots of children trying to do things that big kids...
(NC pushes Salvatori into the hole, and Salvatori screams as he falls)
NC: Now it feels wronger. (He returns back to the living room and sits back down) Next commercial!
Popsicle ice pops
(TV static transition to: Popsicle commercial. The first shot of a commercial shows a boy eating a Popsicle, causing his entire skin to turn into the Popsicle skin)
NC (vo): Quiznos' Spongemonkeys too normal for you? Maybe you should try the Good Humor Popsicle commercials. These ran from the late '90s to the early 2000's. To enjoy them is simple.
NC: Press "play" on your controller. Do any assortment of these drugs. (Two images of drugs appear next to NC)
NC (vo): And enjoy your new reality.
(One commercial shows a boy's hair suddenly grow up to the ceiling and turn rainbow colored as he laughs. It then cuts to another commercial, showing a boy pecking at a giant popsicle stick like a woodpecker)
Duke the Pug: Heh-heh! Birdbrain!
NC (vo): It's like these were designed to be the trippiest ads ever, usually having one kid lick the product, some freaky shit happens, and then the dog always like "you're so freaking high!"
(Another commercial shows a boy and his dog laughing as his father is stuck outside the house)
NC: What the shit?
(Another commercial shows a boy licking a spaceship popsicle and his house blasts off into space and floating in zero G)
Boy: My sock.
NC: What the shit?
(Another commercial shows a boy covered in popsicle sprinkles about to throw a frisbee to Duke, who his also covered in sprinkles)
Boy: Fetch, Duke!
(The frisbee bounces off Duke)
Duke: Nice throw, doofus.
NC: I can't...anything.
(Another commercial shows a kid licking a lick-a color popsicle and freaking out when the colors change)
Kid: The colors, Duke! The colors!
Duke: I'm colorblind, kid.
NC: Now in three flavors: LSD, Tripping Balls, AND WATCH THE SCENE FROM PULP FICTION TO BRING HER BACK! SHANNON! SHANNON, CAN YOU HEAR ME?!
NC (vo): And what brilliant catchphrase do they have to end every one of these on?
Popsicle Logo: POPSICLES! HU-HO!
(NC appears confused as the text “A Paycheck was Given for That” appears)
NC (vo): Yeah, every single one of them ends that way.
(Three commercial endings are shown, all featuring the same catchphrase)
Popsicle Logo: POPSICLES! HU-HO! POPSICLES! HU-HO! POPSICLES! HU-HO!
NC (vo): It's like ending your commercial with...
(NC thinks and slaps the air)
NC (vo): How the hell did that meeting go?
NC: (as a spokesperson) We need a catchphrase for these popsicles! (as another spokesperson) Well, how about "Popsicles! Ho-Ho!" (as the first spokesperson) Will you marry me? (as the second spokesperson, speaking in a low satanic voice as a fire effect is added into the shot) Everything is coming together!
(Back to the Popsicle commercials)
NC (vo): I can't act like they're not imaginative or memorable, they're just...freaking bizarre.
NC: What can one say but, "Popsicles! Ho-ho!"?
Popsicle Logo: POPSICLES! HU-HO!
Announcer: From Good Humor.
(TV static transition to: Panda Cheese commercial)
NC (vo): So...I don't usually do commercials from Egypt, but trust me when I say this one deserves the attention. It's for a product called Panda Cheese. Sounds harmless enough, but their ads are uniquely intimidating. It usually starts with two or more people, one of them asking if the other can get some Panda Cheese. When the person declines, this happens.
(The commercial, which takes place in an indoor workplace, abruptly smash cuts to a person in a panda suit eerily grinning, as the song "True Love Ways" by Buddy Holly plays. It occasionally cuts back and forth between the commercial and NC looking dumbfounded. Suddenly, the song stops as the panda sweeps everything off the office worker's desk, tosses his monitor, and smashes his keyboard. The song then starts up again as the tagline "Never say no to Panda" shows up)
NC (vo): This is how every one of them goes.
NC: And it's kinda scary as hell!
NC (vo): The way he appears out of nowhere, the way he stares at you, that eerily creepy song, everything about this is a world of no. Most of the time it's him destroying something, but here, it's attempted murder!
(Another commercial, taking place in a hospital, is shown. The panda pulls the plastic hose from a patient's recovery stand)
NC: Jesus Christ, bear!
NC (vo): Even the music they play, I'm sure originally when this was written, it was a nice soothing song. But here, it's terrifying. Listen to it, against this imagery, tell me this isn't the most horrifying song you'll ever hear.
(Yet another commercial is shown, taking place in a supermarket. The person in the panda suit is seen staring at a man and his son with the song "True Love Ways" playing. It stops when the panda throws the grocery cart down, spilling all the groceries on the floor)
NC (vo): So, yeah. Even the music's creepily uncomfortable.
(The panda does a small kick on the spilt groceries)
NC (vo): This is so creepy, I could legit see him in horror films. Like, imagine him in the hallway of The Shining instead of the girls.
(Cut to a clip from The Shining, showcasing the hallway scene. Danny slowly removes his hands from his sight, only to see the person in the panda suit added into the shot, with the song "True Love Ways" playing. Cut to a clip from The Ring)
NC (vo): Or maybe he what was really on The Ring tape the whole time.
(Rachel is watching a tape on a television. The person in the panda suit is added into the video shot. Rachel turns off the TV and then hears the telephone ringing. She picks up the phone, and "True Love Ways" is heard on the phone. Cut back to the commercials)
NC (vo): It's terrifying! This thing deserves his own creepy franchise.
NC: I stacked up on a shitload of... (A pile stock of Panda Cheese boxes is then seen) ...Panda Cheese products, just so I never run the risk of ever seeing this thing!
NC (vo): So, I guess it's effective. Just...too effective if you ever want to sleep again. It's a good ad, but maybe a little too good.
(A clip of Ghostbusters is shown, showing Dana Barrett being held hostage by hands coming out from her sofa and dragging her to Zuul's world, with the person in the panda suit added into the shot and the song "True Love Ways" again playing. The Panda Cheese logo appears and the announcer says "Never say no to Panda" in Arabic)
(TV static transition to: Chargertron commercial. The commercial shows a boy playing with the toy of a robot that can transform into a vehicle while an upbeat robotic song plays in the background)
Male Singer: ♫ Switch on Chargertron ♫
NC: Ladies and gentlemen, the coolest song you will ever hear for a toy commercial.
NC (vo): It's called Chargertron, and I have no idea what it's supposed to be. A Transformer-Hot Wheels-Zord?
NC: But it doesn't matter, 'cause the song is amazing!
Male Singer: '♫ Switch on Chargertron, robots like you've ever seen, switch on Chargertron, supersonic machines. ♫
NC (vo): It's like we're in a parallel universe where Devo wrote commercial jingles for confusing toys.
Male Singer: '♫ Switch on Chargertron, always changing, rearranging, he's surprising, he's disguising. ♫
NC (vo): Everything about it is a paradox. It's so lazy, yet so epic. The singer's clearly disinterested, yet that sucks me in even more. The song literally sings about what this thing does, and I'm still not sure exactly what it does.
(As the commercial plays out and the song goes on, NC starts dancing to it, progressively getting more into it)
Male Singer: ♫ Rev the meter till it's red, launch out the tracker, switch on Chargertron, now it's an attacker! Switch on Chargertron, always changing, rearranging, he's surprising, he's disguising, Chargertron. ♫
NC: You must charge it! Charge it good!
NC (vo): Want more proof this was a weak Transformers knock-off? Listen to their names.
Announcer (vo): There's Protagotron and Antagotron.
NC: Yes, right next to...
(Picture of the Autobots and Decepticons are shown next to the Chargertron toys)
NC (vo): ...the Autonuts and Deceptonuts. But it doesn't matter. That song is phenomenal. It could be played for anything and it would sound amazing. You could do everyday activities and it would sound epic as shit.
(We cut to a skit set to Doug singing his own version of the song. The skit shows a cheerful Tamara cleaning and setting up the house for dinner, before answering the door to greet her date, played by Malcolm. As they start to have dinner, Malcolm sees behind Tamara photos of himself on the wall. Realizing that Tamara is actually a crazy stalker, Malcolm makes a run for the door, but a still-smiling Tamara blocks his way, takes out a shotgun, then shoots him dead. Tamara then goes outside into a forest to bury Malcolm's body, while laughing insanely. The skit ends by showing the Chargertron toy)
Singer (Doug): ♫ Clean out the vacuum now, set the table with nice plates, answer the door right now, smile all nice for your date. Make sure he does not find out, you have been stalking, stop the bastard at gunpoint, make sure he's not talking. Bury the body now, nothing's creepy, nothing's jarring. Quite alarming! This is scarring! Chargertron. ♫
NC (vo; as announcer): This was an ad for Chargertron, sorry for the confusion.
(Cut back to the Chargertron ad)
NC (vo): A cheap toy, an okay ad, but one hell of a cool-ass song.
Announcer: Each sold separately, from BuddyL.
(We go back to NC)
NC: I feel like you would know, being a songwriter... (Suddenly, he yelps as he yet again sees Michael Salvatori sitting next to him, grinning) How, how?!
Salvatori: Amazing how that hole led to a kingdom of mole people who were nice enough to bring me back.
(NC quickly notices an animated mole standing nearby and talking to him)
Mole (voiced by Doug): He's surprisingly interesting the more you listen.
Salvatori: Thanks, Mole. Ten million strong...
Mole: And groooowing.
Salvatori: So, anyway, when we wrote the Flintstones Vitamins commercial, we thought there was concern the people would think it was a tie-in to the show Flintstones Kids.
(NC, starting to lose it over Salvatori's continuing reappearances, suddenly screams, and, in the manner of a Looney Tunes cartoon, quickly puts Salvatori in a cardboard box and runs all the way to the desert and drops the box off a cliff. After watching it fall, NC then runs back to his house, only to see Salvatori already there in front of him)
Salvatori: Amazing how the postman was in the desert and knew to drop me off here. (NC jumps and freaks out, which is accompanied by the sound of a ringing school bell) So, anyway, there was a concern that people would confuse our Flintstones Kids with the show Flintstones Kids. Have you ever seen the show Flintstones Kids?
NC: (briefly stops being angry to answer the question) Actually, yes.
Salvatori: (beat) Well, I haven't. Anyway, we thought it wouldn't be a big deal, so we decided to go ahead with it anyway.
(NC, resuming being angry, growls in annoyance, before, again in the manner of a Looney Tunes cartoon, he grabs Salvatori and throws him into a red rocketship, which blasts off into space and crashes into Mars as an eager NC watches)
NC: (laughs manically) Now I never have to deal with that mangy composer again!
(NC laughs and runs back to his house. He looks beside him to see if Salvatori is still beside him, and he shows up for a brief second and NC yelps, but in the next shot, Salvatori is gone)
NC: Huh, weird. Next commercial.
(We cut to a TV static transition to a commercial break or nothing)
Domino's Pizza (The Noid)
(TV static transition to: Domino's Pizza commercial. This commercial shows the company's mascot, the Noid)
Commercial Announcer: This is the Noid.
NC (vo): Sometimes, younger people ask me why certain things caught on. Once in a while, I have to say, "I have no goddamn clue." The Noid commercials for Domino's Pizza is one of those times. Animated by the late, great animator, Will Vinton, it always was impressive on a technical level...
NC: ...but...I just didn't get it.
(Various footage focusing on the Noid is shown)
NC (vo): What was the Noid? Why did he want to ruin pizzas? Why is he dressed like he's ready to lure children into his van?
NC: And obviously, the biggest question, out of the all the pizzas to ruin, why Domino's?!
NC (vo): Isn't that already pretty ruined pizza?
(One commercial shows the Noid freezing several pizzas ice solid with an ice maker, before breaking the pizza into pieces with a touch of his finger)
Commercial Announcer: The Noid hates hot quality pizza. He loves to make your hot pizza ice cold.
NC: (as the announcer) So he doesn't need to stop by this place often.
(A shot of the Domino's Pizza logo is shown, before showing a shot of a pizza coming out of an oven, shocking the Noid)
NC (vo; as announcer): I mean, if your pizza's glowing, there's clearly something wrong with it, or... again, i-it's just Domino's.
(Another commercial shows the Noid acting like a wizard in a castle)
Commercial Announcer: The Noid's a wicked wizard, who makes pizzas old and cold.
(Pictures of a Noid T-Shirt, action figure and the title screen of Yo! Noid are shown)
NC (vo): Nevertheless, his popularity exploded, with T-shirts, action figures, there was even a Nintendo game on him. What was the plot? Cause the fatality of Little Caesar? (A Photoshopped picture of the NES cover of Yo! Noid with a decapitated Little Caesar head is shown)
NC: Why the hell were we celebrating a pizza terrorist?
NC (vo): Was the idea that because he was trying to destroy Domino's, he was a hero in the pizza world? Maybe he was hired by the True Neapolitan Pizza Association.
(Another commercial shows the Noid failing to get rid of a pizza)
Commercial Announcer: The Noid just can't beat the best. Domino's Pizza.
NC (vo; as announcer): Domino's, named after hard objects you're not supposed to eat, but accidentally did at some point, hopefully when you were younger.
(The Noid is shown groaning in annoyance)
NC (vo; sighs): I don't know why this was a thing, but it was animated nice and I guess harmlessly silly...again, if you keep your kids far, far away.
(Images of the Noid and the Domino's logo are shown along with a text that says "From Which?")
(One commercial ends with the Noid getting crushed by a pizza box)
Commercial Announcer: Avoid the Noid. Domino's Pizza Delivers. Call now.
(A clip from the episode "Deep Throats" from Family Guy plays on the top left of the screen)
Mayor West: Perhaps it was the Noid who should've avoided me.
Kenner Star Wars Lightsaber
(TV static transition to: Kenner Star Wars Lightsaber commercial. It is an old commercial, too (circa 1977, the year Star Wars came out), with faded colors and a lower-quality sound to it)
Commercial announcer: It's the new Star Wars Lightsaber. (In the commercial, kids are swinging their lightsabers at one another in a dark room, but they are pretty floppy for lightsabers) You can pretend you have powers when...
NC: (wide-eyed) Okay, those are condoms.
(The room lights up as some boys are swinging their lightsabers)
Boy: Ready to feel the Force? (tosses a balloon in the air and hits with his lightsaber) Close your eyes and go!
NC: None of those words should be said in this situation. (shakes head)
NC (vo): I know there's been variations on lightsaber toys over the years, some better than others, but you could literally find your dad's Trojans and slip them on a flashlight to get the exact same effect. This is very uncomfortable!
Boy: You passed the test. (Switches the light off)
NC (vo, as another boy): Jimmy, Mom says I'm not allowed to be in the same room with you when the lights are off again, especially with these toys.
Boy: Switch on your Star Wars Lightsabers. Zap! (The room's light turns off as the boys hold their lightsabers in a straight position) The Force is with you.
NC: This looks like the last thing I ever see before a cult kills me.
Commercial announcer: When you switch on Kenner's Star Wars Lightsaber.
NC: You sure this wasn't Spaceballs merchandise?
(The voice of Dark Helmet is heard inside the ad)
Dark Helmet (vo): Shit! I hate it when I get my Schwartz twisted.
Commercial announcer: Inflation required. Batteries not included.
NC: That kid is like...
(One boy is shown smiling while holding his lightsaber)
NC (vo; as the boy): Yeah, this will be the size I'll need one day.
Commercial announcer: The Star Wars Lightsaber. New from Kenner.
NC (vo): Yeah, the commercial's standard, but these things are uncomfortably weird. (A picture of Jar Jar Binks appears) Kinda like how Star Wars will become the more you think about it.
Commercial announcer: Star Wars Lightsaber. Balloons not included.
(A picture of Darth Vader appears on the top left of the screen)
Darth Vader (voiced by NC): The Force is limp with this one.
Cliffhanger video game
(TV static transition to: Cliffhanger video game commercial. The commercial shows a grown-up party, with some rich people speaking with each other)
Man: Talk to your aunts.
NC (vo): This is an ad for a game version of Cliffhanger, the old Sylvester Stallone movie.
NC: You wouldn't think you could do anything that crazy with it, but it gets pretty out there pretty fast.
(A boy is seen talking with his two aunts)
Aunt #1: So, I hear your grades stink.
Aunt #2: You don't look healthy. Eat a roll.
(The second aunt show the boy a roll while the boy's face is reflected by light blue glitches)
NC: As anyone who's seen Cliffhanger knows, all conflict is 100% roll-based.
(A clip of Cliffhanger is shown)
NC (vo, as Gabe Walker): I will not settle for discount clearance KAISERS!!!
(Clips from the video game appear as the boy seems in trance by it, eventually leading him to take his shirt off and start swinging on a chandelier)
NC (vo): It ends with him out of nowhere swinging on a chandelier and shouting one of my favorite out-of-context lines!
Boy: Eat this, you gravy-sucking dogs!
(He tosses the roll into his aunt's screaming mouth)
NC: There is no argument for not loving this.
NC (vo): It's super short, but it goes batshit so fast, it's hard not to get a laugh.
Boy: Eat this, you gravy-sucking dogs!
NC: I think I want to see Stallone say this line, not just in Cliffhanger, but any movie where he finishes a guy off!
(A clip of Rocky III is shown, showing Rocky fighting Clubber Lang)
Boy (dubbed over Rocky): Eat this, you gravy-sucking dogs!
(A clip of Demolition Man is shown next, showing John Spartan defeating Simon Phoenix)
Boy (dubbed over John Spartan): Eat this, you gravy-sucking dogs!
(Lastly, a clip from Judge Dredd plays, showing the infamous moment where Dredd confronts Rico Dredd)
Dredd: You killed innocent people.
Rico: The means to an end.
Dredd: You started a massacre!
Rico: l caused a revolution.
Boy (dubbed over Dredd saying "You betrayed the Law!"): Eat this, you gravy-sucking dogs!
NC: But they would all have to end with an old lady being force-fed a roll.
(We are immediately shown again the moment in the commercial when the boy tosses the roll into his aunt's screaming mouth)
NC: It just feels naked without it.
(The commercial is shown again)
NC (vo): Pretty silly, but pretty funny, too. This is always a good combination with anything Stallone related.
Commercial Announcer: Cliffhanger from Sony Imagesoft. Sure, it's just a game.
ALF plush toys
(TV static transition to: ALF commercial)
Commercial Announcer: It's an alien.
(ALF is shown)
ALF: No kidding! Where?
NC (vo): If anyone is wondering who came up with a sitcom around a dick-nose moldy Muppet...
NC: ...it was this guy.
(We briefly cut to one of the Popsicles commercials)
Kid: The colors, Duke! The colors!
(Cut back to ALF)
NC (vo): The thing is, ALF was a weird creation, and he's made even weirder by these kids' reactions to him as a toy.
NC: All of them just look...uncomfortable.
(The commercial shows several kids talking about a plush toy of ALF)
Girl (Candace Cameron): (sounding disinterested) He's debonair and yet...fuzzy.
NC: (stares) ...'Kay.
Boy: (also sounding disinterested) I mean, this whole cat thing's been blown all out of proportion.
(A meowing sound is heard and the boy reaches out to touch his toy, making it stop)
NC: (as this boy) What he did to the cat, how many kittens are his, it doesn't matter.
Girl: (holding an ALF plush) My parents just don't understand our relationship.
NC: WHAT ARE THESE KIDS DOING WITH THIS DOLL?!?
NC (vo): Again, with a nose shaped like that, I don't think it's wise to leave it to the imagination!
(Cut to another ALF commercial, this one for a talking ALF doll. It shows various kids speaking with the ALF doll)
NC (vo): As we see in this other commercial, kids that play with ALF are many flavors of odd.
Boy 1: And when he looked up, he saw the man with the eyes.
NC: That's as creepy as the man whose hands had fingers! What story was that?
Boy 2: (pointing to ALF doll) And now it's his turn!
ALF doll: It all started back when I was a kid on Melmac.
NC (vo): The ALF doll at least talks in this one, so we can better understand why these commercials are just so darn uncomfortable.
(The commercial plays out with NC imitating the talking ALF doll, while several moments of the ad are shown with added fade-ins, giving the impressing that the ALF doll's conversation is extremely long)
ALF doll (voiced by NC): You know, to get the show, I had to sleep with Harvey Weinstein. Everything you've read about him isn't as bad as you think. It's light-years worse. / It's not that you want to prostitute yourself for money, it's that God gave you no other choice. / But the lowest point is when I thought I was eating a cat, but it was really a dead-eyed monstrosity called a PetSter. I was so drunk! / But I ask myself every day, would I do it all again? NO!
NC (vo): Let's be honest, it would explain why everybody was so off in these commercials. They're weird and awkward, but I guess I wouldn't expect anything else from ALF.
Announcer: Storytelling ALF. Extra cassettes sold separately. Batteries not included. New from Coleco.
ALF doll (voiced by NC): Ha-ha! Kill me.
Gainomax energy drinks
(TV static transition to: Gainomax commercial. It shows a whie room with a chair, and then the footage briefly glitches to show a white-clothed girl with black hair and her face unseen sitting on the chair)
NC (vo): This is an ad for a protein drink.
NC: Can't you just tell?
NC (vo): I guess this is a banana-flavored one, as it keeps insisting that we stop eating the monkey's food.
(The girl slowly walks toward the camera as we also see a shot of a banana with blood dripping down)
Gainomax Monkey: Bananas are for monkeys, Stop eating the monkey's food.
NC (vo): This is obviously referencing The Ring, and honestly, we've seen that imagery so many times, it's not really that scary anymore.
NC: Hell, I even showed clips of it earlier to prove a point. So, yeah, give me what you got, terrifying Ring girl.
(The girl continues walking slowly toward the camera)
Gainomax Monkey: Humans, you must stop.
NC: (looking bored) Hmm-hmm. Yeah.
Gainomax Monkey: You must stop now.
NC: Yeah. Long hair, backward movement, seen it all.
Gainomax Monkey: Stop eating the banana after working out. (NC impatiently spins his finger around his head) Stop eating the monkey's food.
(The girl finally reaches the camera)
NC: I have to admit, I expected to see more out of this idea by this point.
(The supposed Ring girl raises her head to reveal a monkey face and NC begins to scream as an icon sign saying "Downloading into your soul" appears. As the download is complete, NC stop screaming, completely terrified. The commercial shows the Gainomax Recovery product)
Gainomax Monkey: Gainomax is twice the cups and 20 times more protein. Stop eating my food.
NC: (scared) That's always going to be there when I close my eyes now, isn't it? L-let me try out, here, let me- (NC closes his eyes. The image of Gainomax Monkey is indeed there) Yeah, there it is, okay, well done. (The Gainomax Monkey is shown again in a jump scare. NC shrieks and tries to change the channel, but the Gainomax Monkey appears on every channel. Eventually, a scared NC puts down the remote) Okay, I'll just let you leave when you're nice and ready.
Gainomax Monkey: I'll be back at the end.
NC: Of the commercial?
Gainomax Monkey: Of you! Enjoy Gainomax.
NC: Will it heal my scars?
Gainomax Monkey: No.
NC: (sighs) Okay.
Think! Road Safety PSAs
(TV static transition to: various Think! Road Safety PSAs)
NC (vo): If you disturb easily, warning: These are from Britain. Yeah, Britain's PSAs in the last few episodes I've done have gained quite a reputation of being... (We are briefly shown the ending of the Electricity Football PSA, showing a kid named Tom getting electrocuted in a substation, much to his friend Andy's horror) ...unpleasant, to say the least. So let's see how this latest batch goes over.
(The first commercial shows a little girl lying dead next to a tree)
Girl: If you hit me at 40 miles an hour, there's around an 80% chance I'll die.
NC: (deadpan) Charming. (The footage begins rewinding, showing the little girl's body moving towards the role in a zombie-like manner) Oh, I do hope they show this during Thomas & Friends.
(The rewound footage stops as the girl wakes up on the road, before the ad cuts to black)
Girl (vo): Hit me at 30, and there's around an 80% chance I'll live.
(The "It's 30 for a reason" slogan appears as the Think! Road Safety logo is shown)
NC: Or how about the better lesson of just DON'T HIT ANY KIDS?!
NC (vo): Sheesh, a good message, but, man, how about a positive way to get the idea across?
(Another PSA, showing a CGI cartoon of a boy playing football, is shown)
NC (vo): Okay, a cute cartoon, this should be better.
(The PSA's title is revealed)
British Announcer: The Boy Who Didn't Stop, Look and Listen.
NC: Of course that's the title.
(An injured boy in a cast imagines the moment he got injured, when he lost his football in the middle of the road, and when he tried to get it, a passing car hit him)
British Announcer: He loved to play football all day, but the boy didn't cross in a safe place, the car hit him at quite a pace, and now he cannot play football, 'cause his leg broke in more than one place.
NC: (as British announcer) Bottom line; you can never have fun with a broken leg. It's British law.
NC (vo): We were gonna kill him to get our point across better, but our dartboard of human innocence is running out of room.
NC: Oh, and don't worry, there's a sequel.
(The title of another PSA is shown, and we are shown a CGI cartoon of an injured girl remembering the moment she crossed the road in the middle of the dark, and ended up getting hit by a car)
British Announcer: The Girl Who Didn't Dress Bright in the Dark. A car drove right into her guts and covered her with bruisy cuts.
NC (vo): That's right. Even what you wear can kill you. Enjoy existing, kids! Again, I give credit trying to get a really good message across, but...man, these are messed up, which I know it's the point, but...man, these are messed up!
NC: Ugh, I'm gonna see if their neighbor Ireland has any more chipper PSAs.
Ireland Anti-Speeding PSA
(TV static transition to: Ireland Anti-Speeding PSA. It begins with some kids in school ready to leave their classroom to go home for the day, while in the background, a female singer sings a sentimental version of "Sweet Child o' Mine")
Female Singer: ♫ She's got a smile that it seems to me... ♫
NC: (shrugs) Well, seems more pleasant.
(In the ad, a man is seen running out to his car, while all the children from the school walk through some woods at the edge of the road, where some picnic grounds are set up. Meanwhile, the man, now in his car, drives along down this road)
Female Singer: ♫ Now and then when I see her face / She... ♫
NC: Is this even a PSA? It looks more like a car commercial.
(Earlier in the commercial, one boy is playing with a toy car, which looks rather like the one the man drives. A girl calls out to the boy and he puts the car away in his backpack)
Female Singer: ♫ ...memories / Where everything... ♫
NC: Yeah, I think it is. It certainly feels more like one.
NC (vo): A bunch of kids playing outside, a parent coming to pick them up in a shiny vehicle, a kid holding a toy of that vehicle.
NC: All right, I can review this as a charming little car commercial.
(The boy drops his toy car on a sloped surface and watches it run down the hill, while the full-size car drives at a very fast clip down the road toward a turn in the road, behind which lies a stone wall. All the while, the gentle version of "Sweet Child o' Mine" continues in the background)
NC (vo): It's honestly very soothing, with a nice song and cinematography...
(Suddenly, however, the mood shifts dramatically as the car suddenly starts rolling end over end, out of control, crashing through the stone wall, behind which lies the picnic grounds where the children are! NC widens his eyes in shock, while the man screams as his car rolls right at the children, who all scream helplessly!)
NC: (leaning back in his seat in terror) Oh, my God...
(As the car is within inches of the children, the boy with the toy car stares at it, bracing for the inevitable!)
NC (vo): OH, MY GO–!!
(We abruptly cut to some shots of kittens and cats (including the PetSter from earlier), accompanied by a message reading "KITTIES – So We Won't Get Demonetized" at the top of the screen. Pleasant piano music plays during this. Then we cut back to the commercial, showing the end of the crash, as the children all lay dead and the boy with the toy car drops his hand open and the toy car falls out on the ground)
PSA Announcer: Since 2000... (Cut back to the now-empty classroom) ...speeding has killed a classroom of our children.
(NC stares in open-mouth horror. He is so stunned by what he just saw that he can only muster a very tiny whimper. Then we cut back to the end of the commercial, as we hear the end of "Sweet Child o' Mine" and the phrase "Shame on You" is displayed)
PSA Announcer: Shame on you.
NC: Shame on ME?!?! I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING, AND YOU GAVE ME PANCAKE KIDS!! (The scene of the car rolling over and killing the children is shown again) I thought that was a car commercial, but it was the waving of a BLOODY SKELETON FINGER!!
NC (vo): What if the person watching doesn’t drive? What if they’re unable to drive? What if they’re kids?! JESUS, DID KIDS SEE THIS?!? Apparently, this got so much backlash, it was allowed to only be shown after 9pm.
NC: NO SHIT! What the hell would you tell your little boy watching that?!
NC (vo): (freeze-frame on the little boy) "Look, Billy! That’s the last face you can make before you're 'carred' to death!" (Footage of the kids before the crash is shown again) How the hell would anyone go back to watching their family shows after seeing this?!
(The scene of the car rolling over and killing the children is shown again, before cutting to a post-commercial bumper for The Wonderful World of Disney)
Announcer: We now return to The Wonderful World of Disney.
(Back to the commercial before the crash)
NC (vo): There's no coming back from that! It’s just too extreme! It’s too intense!
(The scene of the car rolling over and killing the children is shown one more time)
NC: STOP MAKING ME WATCH YOU, YOU WELL-MEANING PSYCHOS!!
(The message "Shame on You" is shown one more time)
PSA Announcer: Shame on you.
NC: That's it! (throws up arms) That's it! (points to screen) Ireland is the new Britain! (Shots of the flags of the countries about to be mentioned are briefly shown) The order now is Ireland is the new Britain, and Britain is the new Canada! So now, the question is, who's gonna be the new Ireland?! (points at screen) Who's gonna be the new Ireland?! (looks to his side) Do you have any idea?
(Suddenly, he screams as he once again sees Michael Salvatori sitting next to him, grinning)
Salvatori: Amazing that life was discovered on Mars the moment I landed there, and they were nice enough to fly me back to my home planet.
(NC quickly notices two martians, one of them named Perplex, standing nearby and speaking to NC)
Perplex: (subtitled) He's surprisingly interesting the more you listen.
Salvatori: Thanks, Perplex. Ten million strong...
Martian: (subtitled) And groooowing.
Salvatori: So, anyway, what I was telling you before–
NC: (finally losing it) OKAY, STOP!! STOP!! STOP!! (Kicks a stunned Salvatori to the front door) Nobody cares about your damn vitamin commercial that you wrote or co-wrote or whatever! So you wrote a catchy jingle! Big deal! You're still a stinking nobody that nobody in the musical world will ever remember! You are nothing, a no one, another word that begins with "no"! You are the bottom of the barrel of any form of caring! YOU HEAR ME?!
Salvatori: (feeling hurt) I didn't know you felt like that.
NC: Well, I do. Everybody does! THE WHOLE FRIGGIN' UNIVERSE DOES! Whenever incredible musical accomplishments are talked about, nobody will ever say the name Michael– What's your last name?
NC: Nobody will ever mention the name, Michael Salvatori!
(NC closes the door and turns his back, before going wide-eyed while "In the Hall of the Mountain King" plays over a montage of pictures of soundtrack albums for the Halo and Destiny franchise accredited to Michael Salvatori, as well as images of him accepting various composer awards, and collaborating with Paul McCartney. NC, realizing who he had just snapped at and tried to get rid of throughout the whole episode, desperately runs back to the door, only to find Michael looking at him menacingly with the Panda Cheese panda while "True Love Ways" by Buddy Holly plays once again. NC screams and runs away from the panda, then he screams again as the monkey from the Gainomax commercial appears in front of him and the video abruptly ends)
Channel Awesome Tagline - Male Singer (from the Chargertron commercial): ♫ Switch on Chargertron, supersonic machines ♫
(The credits roll)
- Commercial Special
- Return of the Nostalgic Commercials
- Revenge of the Nostalgic Commercials
- Dawn of the Commercials
- Rise of the Commercials
- Conquest of the Commercials
- Battle of the Commercials
- War of the Commercials
- Escape from the Commercials
- Curse of the Commercials