(The Disneycember logo is shown, before showing clips from Planes)
Doug (vo): Well, this sucked. Planes, the spin-off film in the apparent cinematic universe created from Pixar's Cars. Either that, or it's a cinematic universe around Planes, Trains and Automobiles, just missing the "trains" part. Lord knows I dropped as many F-bombs while watching it. (An image of Planes, Trains and Automobiles, showing Neal Page in his famous F-bomb rant, is shown) If you've seen my past reviews, you know I'm not the biggest fan of the Cars movies. But, God, after seeing this one, I may have to rethink it, because...Christ! Christ! It is the most obvious commercial, generic, bland piece of crap that Disney could put out. The story? (Scoffs) Forget it. I could just tell you the first sentence and you can predict everything that's going to happen. Let's try it.
Doug (vo): A crop duster named Dusty wants to enter a race. There! Don't you know everything that's gonna happen after I say that? He's gonna be a screw-up, he's gonna be an underdog, but he finds this old, wise mentor who's gonna teach him the ways, but he has a tragic past, but we don't get to that yet. We're gonna get to that later in some sort of big reveal. We find out that Dusty has a fault that should make him incapable of racing. In this case, he's afraid of heights. I know that's already confusing because he's a goddamn plane. He's already high off the ground. But this is, like...really high off the ground. Yeah, it's so stupid. But he enters the race with a whole bunch of colorful characters, and, of course, there's a big shot bully who's always the winner, but as the underdog starts to climb up, he sabotages him, cheating, and, of course, at the end, it's really close. An Adam Sandler sports movie would have more originality than this.
Doug (vo): I guess you could say I expect more out of Pixar, but it's not even a Pixar movie. Yeah, their name isn't on it. John Lasseter produced it and helped with the story, but it's technically just a Disney product, despite it clearly taking place in the Cars universe. But, okay, there's been more cliched, generic stories out there that have been turned into something really cool. (Beat) I have no idea why I mentioned that, because this clearly isn't one of those movies. I guess some of the bare essentials are there, like the acting's okay, it's bright, it's colorful. But these characters in almost no way seem alive.
(Footage from Cars 3 is shown)
Doug (vo): By God, I hate referencing something good about Cars, but when you see them moving, when you see them talking, when you see them going through emotions, it looks like they're going through these emotions. They kind of shrug and shift, and if they're sad, they'll kind of move sad, if they're happy, they'll kind of move happy.
(Back to Planes)
Doug (vo): Here, they just look like toys; dead, lifeless toys that somehow ate celebrities and their voices are coming out of them. Where in Cars, they move like characters, here, they move like planes. You're just looking at planes flying around, circling around, moving. Even the distance between the eyes and the mouth creates a separation. They're just so far apart from each other that it's hard to be like, "Yeah, I'm getting legit emotion out of these characters." And you could be like, "Well, who cares? It's just a kids' film. You're not supposed to get much emotion."
(Several scenes focusing on Dusty's mentor, Skipper Riley, and his backstory are shown)
Doug (vo): But, get this! One of the characters has a backstory that has a lot of death in it. Yeah! Like, he leads an entire squad to their deaths, they're burning alive and exploding and going into the water, and this dramatic music is playing! Planes! Goddamn Planes, yeah! Planes is gonna make you cry...I guess! Look at this shit! Are these the kind of designs you would expect to get, like, emotion out of? No! Clearly not! Even Cars 3, with that ridiculously serious trailer, didn't go this serious. What the hell were these filmmakers thinking?
(Several comedic moments are shown)
Doug (vo): But, all right. Maybe we can overlook that if there's a lot of comedy in this. I mean, there's...a lot of comedic potential with...planes in a plane universe. What do we got here? Oh, look! (A close-up of a forklift's hat that says "USS Flysenhower" is shown) They're on the USS Flysenhower! Flysenhower!
(Doug laughs so hard, we hear him literally stepping out of his room to laugh outside for a few seconds, before coming back in and stopping laughing)
Doug (vo): I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I just had to...let that sink in. Flysenhower...'cause the word "Fly" is in it! And they're planes! Disney! You know what makes it even creepier? The Flysenhower is apparently alive, too. (The USS Flysenhower is shown to have eyes) Look. It has eyes. There's probably a mouth underwater that can't talk, he'd just get bubbles and shit! Any second, I just want it to flip all those stupid cars and planes over and be, like, "I'm a man! I'm a human being! FUCK THIS WORLD! THIS IS INSANE!" (Sighs) Yeah, I guess on top of everything else, it's just kind of creepy looking at these things. Like, when one stalls, it just goes into the water, I'm, like, "How do they swim? I guess they don't, 'cause you can't really move the wings, they're just kind of these dead planes that have eyes on them!" So...ugh! It's just disturbing watching them! I don't like it, it's unpleasant! Just, no! No!
Doug (vo): The amount of laziness in the storytelling and design is just amazing. You can't believe that this came from Disney, now, with Pixar...I mean, okay. I guess Pixar kind of ripped off from Disney and Disney kind of ripped off of Pixar...actually, it's kind of a weird back and forth they have going. (Posters of Brave, Planes, Zootopia, and The Good Dinosaur are shown) But still, this movie is awful. The tone doesn't work, the jokes don't work, it's visually boring, and it's a bad idea that's a spin-off of another bad idea! I guess if you have little kids, they can probably watch it okay, though, again, the kind of big mass slaughter in the middle might throw them off a bit. It's just a waste. It's a waste of great animators, it's a waste of good storytellers, it's a waste of a good cast. It probably goes without saying, but fly the hell away from this one as quickly as you can.
(The film's final scene, showing Dusty and Skipper flying in the sky, is shown)