August 18, 2015
(We start off today's episode of the Nostalgia Critic with a music video.)
"The Adam Sandler Song"
Dying Slowly Records
Dir: Christopher Columbus
(NC is dressed like Adam Sandler and playing an acoustic guitar)
You used to love me when I did SNL (Poster for Saturday Night Live: The Best of Adam Sandler)
Now you want me to suck cocks in Hell
There was a time I made hit after hit (Posters of The Wedding Singer, Big Daddy and 50 First Dates)
But now my career is slipping into shit (Poster for Jack and Jill)
What the Hell happened to me?
I used to be the clown prince of comedy
I used to say "they're all gonna laugh at you!" (Picture of "They're All Gonna Laugh At You!")
And now I'm just praying that you'll laugh at me (Poster of The Cobbler)
You kids don't understand why your parents liked this
But back then my films...eh...were still kinda hit and miss
Happy made you happy but The Waterboy sucked (Posters of Happy Gilmore and The Waterboy)
Zohan was a go man, but then Little Nicky sucked (Posters for You Don't Mess With The Zohan and Little Nicky)
Grown Ups made you throw up while Click mostly made you sick (Posters of Grown Ups and Click, as well as people throwing up)
And Jack and Jill's a cinematic dicing of your dick
I did a few serious films (Posters of Punch-Drunk Love, Spanglish and Funny People)
You didn't get them but you thought I was okay
But I rather stick to crappy plots
That were popular in '98
Sandler: Tell me if you recognize any of these.
Quirky underdog meets a hot attractive babe
But some unfunny bullies try to stop my goofy ways
My quirky sidekick and/or grandma help me on my path
While using an annoying voice and jokes about my ass
Sandler: Come on guys, you liked it the first 18 times. Surely you'll like it 56 more.
What the Hell happened to me?
I made you laugh while you were high in 1990
Now you treat me like a jerk
and I only make movies to get Rob Schneider work
Rob Schneider: Hey thanks buddy, but you forgot to put me in Pixels.
Sandler: Well that's because you wouldn't do blackface for me.
Schneider: Seriously, Sandler, even I have standards.
Sandler: No you don't.
Schneider: Yeah you're right. (And he gets kicked off stage)
What the Hell happened to me?
Please tell me I'm not this generation's Pauly (Shore)
My movies have become a chore
And even (Drew) Barrymore cannot save me anymore (Poster of Blended)
I don't know why I've angered all of you
Oh please god save me Hotel Transylvania 2 (Poster of Hotel Transylvania 2)
I do the same thing that I've been doing for years
So what has changed now to get me all these tears?
(He begins crying until someone in the audience (Doug) calls out)
Man: No, Adam! Don't you see? Even your idiot characters from the past have figured it out. Your audience itself has grown up but you yourself have not grown up.
Sandler: What are you talking about? I got a lot older.
Man: No, Adam! Your audience has discovered new things, so you must discover new things! Evolve your craft! Try something different! Use your movies as something more than just an excuse to go on vacation! I mean look at your latest publicity photo! (Picture of Adam Sandler looking upset) Even you're sick of you! Try again, Adam Sandler! Try!
Sandler: I see what you're saying. I should be even more predictable.
Man: Oh, uh, no.
Sandler: More unfunny!
Man: I definitely didn't say that.
Sandler: And even more racially insensitive!
Man: Oh Christ, I'm just gonna sit down.
Sandler: (walking off) Hey Schneider, can you do redface?
Schneider: Can I?
(And we finally come to the opening of the Nostalgia Critic!)
Nostalgia Critic: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic I remember it so you don't have to. Well ever since I did my clipless review of Jurassic World, a lot of people have been requesting to do another recent movie. And surprisingly, it wasn't 50 Shades of Grey.
Tamara: (off-screen) Thank God!!
NC: Oh, come on! Ball gags are surprisingly comfortable!
Tamara: (off-screen) How would you know?!
NC: (pause) Research. No, that movie is the Adam Sandler non-hit, Pixels.
(Pictures of comments requesting NC to review the movie are shown)
NC (vo): Left and right, people have been asking me to review this, and at first, I didn't really get why. Okay, there is nostalgic value seeing how it ties into video games of the '80s, (posters for Master of Disguise and Eight Crazy Nights) and I have ripped apart several Adam Sandler productions, but I think the real reason is it's one of the worst reviewed films of the year. The internet has gone insane with how much they hate this movie. It's this year's (poster of) Fantastic 4 (2005). I mean before this year's Fantastic 4 (2015). (The movie's RottenTomatoes page is shown) Yeah it looked bad, but 17% bad? That's lower than Waterboy (35%), That's My Boy (20%), and Little Nicky (22%).
NC: Jesus, it's worse than those? That's like having (picture of) Hitler and then finding out there's a Nega-Hitler (Nega-Hitler wearing a blue shirt compared to Hitler's brown shirt). A Hitler that did even worse than Hitler. (A clown wig and nose are added to Nega-Hitler) And wasn't funny...
NC: So, without further ado, let's take a look at--(The Elephant in the room pipes in singing "Futurama") Yes, let's first address what everyone's already talking about: How similar this concept is to an episode from Futurama.
NC (vo): (A clip of the original short film of Pixels is shown) Despite the movie being based on a short film, (pictures from the Futurama episode, "Anthology of Interest II", are shown), there's an episode of Futurama where video games of the '80s attack their city that's pretty damn close in comparison to this. But I'm choosing to judge this on its own merits. Because much like (posters of) Osmosis Jones and Inside Out, even if it's been done before, what matters is what they can bring to it that's new and good.
NC: And Adam Sandler movies are so the exact opposite of this that there's actually an app for it now. (Holding up his phone)
Elephant: There is? (He walks over to NC)
NC: Oh yeah, it's called the Appler Sandler. His films are so easy to make now that you can literally phone them in. Uh, let's see here. (We come to the Appler Sandler app) Normal voice Sandler or Annoying Voice Sandler (Picture of Billy Madison).
Elephant: I'd rather rub my balls on a cheese grater than listen to his annoying voice.
NC: Normal voice it is. Uh, let's see here. Bland hot girlfriend or really bland hot girlfriend (Picture of Virginia Venit from Happy Gilmore)?
Elephant: What's the difference?
NC: One gets a crying scene.
Elephant: I guess that one.
NC: You got it. (He makes his selection)
Elephant: Wait, what are those?
NC: Oh, those are add-ons that come no matter what. (Those add-ons being...)
NC (vo): Kevin James, Suckered In Celebrities (in this case Peter Dinklage), Pity Cameos from SNL Alumni. (Other add-ons include: A Script by a Third Grader, Farts, Poops, Pee. All on Screen at Once)
NC: The only thing left to choose is funny (Happy Gilmore) or Unfunny (Blended).
Elephant: Oh, my God, I never knew we had a choice! Choose funny, man!
NC: All right! (Every time he tries to click on the Funny button, it moves out of the way) Hey, what the? Come on!
Elephant: Come on!
NC: Jesus Christ! Why would you throw so much time, effort and money into something if you're not gonna make it funny? You painfully obvious metaphor! (He puts the phone down)
(The elephant sighs and clicks Unfunny. The screen blue fills in as the words BEGIN SANDLER SUCKFEST flash on screen)
(Scene then changes to an arcade back drop with Jim Jarosz as young Sam Brenner (Adam Sandler) and Tamara as young William Cooper (Kevin James))
NC (vo): It starts off with a younger version of Adam Sandler and Kevin James in an arcade competition. Where we insert Adam Sandler app number 162: Sweet Old Lady (played by Malcolm), who delivers our first joke.
William: Look. It's Grandma.
Granny Malcolm: Yoo-hoo (while holding a bottle of Yoo-hoo. I am not making this up)
(Movie pauses. Critic appears in front of the screen)
NC: That was the first joke people. She says yoo-hoo while holding up a bottle of Yoo-hoo. A hundred and ten million dollar budget, and that is their opening joke. You know, why don't you just be honest and say..
William: Look. It's Grandma.
Granny Malcolm: Fuck you, bitches. I'm smoking your money. (proceeds to smoke a cigar while burning money with it.)
(Scene of Sam Brenner playing against young Eddie Plant (played by Tamara))
NC (vo): Sandler loses to a kid named Eddie which means Eddie's gameplay will be put in a time capsule and launched into space. This brings us to present day (Sam now portrayed by Doug) where Sandler app number 229: Down on His luck Has-Been Who People Think Will Amount To Nothing, is having a conversation with Sandler app 465: Supportive Best Friend and Binge Drinking Idiot Kevin James. (shows actor with Kevin Jame's head Photoshopped on actual head.) Who is President of the United States.
(Screen shakes as the words "BULLSHIT OVERLOAD!" are on screen. The critic's phone short circuits because of it.)
NC: Yup. Even the app couldn't handle something that dumb. Kevin James is President of the United States. (Phone sparks up while wheezing out "Bullshit!") In a country that's actually kind of considering electing Donald Trump (shows picture of said person) as our next president, even we can't be fucking stupid enough to except this as a reality.
NC (vo): And the weird thing is, he still plays it as the idiot best friend like he always does. He doesn't act like a president at all.
NC: Which is why, just to give you an idea on how lazy this is, I'm going to switch out Kevin James with Obama. (NC does so on the app, confusing Sandler but he just shrugs it off). Now tell me if this makes any sense whatsoever.
Obama (played by Malcolm): Now, Adam.
Sandler (I know he's Sam Brenner, but I'm still calling him Sandler for this): Uh, Bernie please, I'm a totally different character now.
Obama: Yeah sure. So Adam, I'd like to help getting drunk, while helping my loser friend at a bar, but I uhh need to overcome this outburst I had while screaming at school children because I can't read.
Sandler: (awkward pause) That's really in our movie?
Obama: That's really in our movie.
Sandler: Shouldn't you be doing like presidential stuff, that kind of thing?
Obama: Oh, I do. Like when our country is under attack, I make a cake with my wife.
Sandler: (awkward pause) That can't be in our movie.
Obama: Page 22.
Sandler (reads the script) That's in our movie.
Obama: I'll give you a call when I need you to replace our military.
Sandler (Facing the audience): If your still in the theater folks, I salute ya.
NC (vo): Sandler goes to a customer's house to fix their TV, but finds the owner, played by Michelle Monaghan (Character's name is Violet, played by Tamara), is crying in the corner of the closet while sipping champagne out of a sippy cup. Yeah, a sippy cup.
Sandler: Oh, is that your kids?
Violet: No, he's twelve.
Sandler: Then why do you have-
Violet: (gasps and hits Sandler with sippy cup) How dare you?! I can never see us becoming a couple. Ever! EVER!
(Nostalgia Critic pauses again and steps in front of screen)
NC: Okay, who's the fucking idiot who keeps falling for this? The couple who acts like their not going to get together but everybody else in the world knows they're going to get together? Who's the one fucking idiot who keeps falling for this and encourages this cliche!? (a hand hesitantly rises up, several missiles blow it up) Thank you, there's one less in the world.
NC (vo): But he's called to the White House as Sandler app 143 takes place of the huge romantic coincidence that Monaghan happens to be Lieutenant Colonel
NC: Insert Saved By the Bell commercial here!
(The scene fades out like it's going into commercial until Obama interrupts)
Obama: Hey, hey, we're not done yet. We're not done yet. Now Adam, our military was attacked by in a way that was uh, very similar to a video game. As you know, no one in our American intelligence has ever played a video game.
Sandler: Yeah, nerds and games often don't mix.
Obama: You are the only person who can figure out these patterns that people online have figured out years ago. I personally only ever watched Pewdiepie. I never even touched a video game in my life.
NC: You know, I'd like to keep listening, but I just want to emphasize more what a gosh, darn great misunderstood guy Sandler is. We need a bully. (App 642: Bully comes up as NC presses buttons on the phone going over the various bully types) Uh let's see here. Uh, jock, snob, businessman, popular kid. Ooh, old curmudgeon Brian Cox! (Suddenly Barney Walker is plopped into the scene as Admiral Porter rambling like Brian Cox) Huh, I can't understand his one-dimensional dialogue, but thankfully there is a feature where you can just insert all the bully dialogue from all his other movies.
(The All Bully Dialogue option is selected)
Porter: You are a loser, and weird. You are different from us, which makes you bad. You're marching to a different drum who'll lead nowhere. Now get out of here you puppy-eyed dreamer before I hammer in some more how wrong I am and how beautiful you are.
NC (vo): But don't worry, we can't see Sandler as TOO much of a loser. So the app comes with (App 817) Unrealistic Overcompensatingly Pathetic Best Friend. (The friend in general being Ludlow Lamonsoff. In his place is Olaf the snowman with an afro and nerd glasses)
NC: And I know it's the actor who played the snowman from Frozen and not the actual snowman from Frozen, but I'm choosing him because the only funny thing they have in common is that you wanna see them both impaled.
Sandler: Ooh, aren't you that perverted kid from my past?
Ludlow: Yup! I spent 30 years wishing up a video game character would come to life and make love to me.
Sandler: Ah, just like my fanbase.
Ludlow: Well let's teach them that sitting on your ass playing video games can somehow make you a hero.
Sandler: I think this calls for some inane gibberish. Dibby dobby dobby doo!
NC (vo): So the aliens misinterpret the time capsule and think it's an act of war, (An alien pops up on screen with a word bubble saying "We're kinda 'Shyamalan Alien' Dumb.") therefore Sandler and Unfunny Pervert instruct the soldiers about how to defeat them. But of course, when they finally attack, no one listens. (Tamara, Malcolm and Jim Jarosz are firing up at Centipede and missing him by a mile)
Sandler: No no! You're supposed to shoot all the way to the left!
Porter: Do not listen to him, even though we are supposed to. We are military and not trained to follow orders.
NC (vo): Sandler grabs a gun and starts shooting 'em up like an action hero because...
NC: (A clip of the game Centipede is shown) ...playing this at home is clearly the same thing as (picture of soldiers) fighting in the field.
NC (vo): And he kills them all off, proving that he is in fact better than the military.
(A crowd cheers for Sandler while Tamara takes her gun back from him. Porter is unimpressed)
Porter: Most unorthodox.
(Everyone is now having a huge party to celebrate their victory)
NC (vo): This calls for a party where the President chugs the hell out of everybody.
Violet: Uh, Mr. President, don't you think we should try communicating with the aliens to negotiate them out of any further trouble?
Obama: No. Now's the time to chug beer, and being the overweight, rambunctious white man that I am...
(NC walks past the shot)
NC: Again I took some liberties here.
Obama: It's my job to go Ted Kennedy on this beer.
(The rest of the guys chant "Overweight White Man" as Obama chugs his beer down)
NC (vo): But knowing another threat is on the way and they call in Eddie, the gaming champion from years ago played now by Peter Dinklage. (Played by Jim Jarosz) Only seeing how he's in a Sandler movie, all his talent has to be Shyamalanized.
(Popping into the scene is Shyamalan, still looking like Amon from Legend of Korra. Just as he's about to talentbend him...)
NC (vo): In reverse.
(Both of them are confused until NC comes in)
NC: Okay, look. You know how in a Shyamalan film you take something that's not funny and you make it funny. (He holds Shyamalan's right hand where it shows NOT FUNNY-->FUNNY)
NC: Well in an Adam Sandler movie, (He holds Shyamalan's left hand where it now goes FUNNY-->NOT FUNNY) you take something that's funny and make it not funny.
Shyamalan: Oh, thanks buddy. (He then talentbends Dinklage, who is now Sandlerized)
NC: Ooh, the app also allows the uncomfortable moment of silence that follows every unfunny joke that is never filled with laughter.
Eddie: Whores, peeing and farts.
(Sandler, Obama and Violet sit there in silence)
NC: Draw it out! Happy Madison still thinks everyone's laughing at this.
(The room's still quiet for a long time before Shyamalan gets fed up and leaves)
Shyamalan: Christ, this is too awkward, even for me. And I'm Shyamalan!
(And we go to commercial)
(We come back from commercial to see a car flying through the air while being chased by Pac-Man)
NC (vo): So the final challenge is chasing Pac-Man as Sandler, Pervert and Dinklage represent the ghosts in cars while Monaghan advises them from the sidelines. Okay...
NC: ...why in this universe does being good at Pac-Man suddenly translate into being good at driving? Would you really trust your fate in the hands of Pervert T. Froman?
Ludlow: I'm funny cause I don't make you laugh.
NC: Wouldn't it make more sense if the Lieutenant Colonel, the one who's been the field was driving (Violet in the car instead while Sandler's on the radio) while Sandler's men, the people that have just been watching on a screen were advising? Wouldn't it just add up more?
Sandler: No no no, you don't want that. You see, it's cause I gotta be the hero. So you really can't take it that seriously.
NC: But the reason that doesn't work, Sandler, is because YOU act like you take it so seriously. Like look at this scene after you defeat Pac-Man.
(Sandler and Violet are on a date while Sandler drinks Yoo-Hoo)
NC (vo): You're clearly supposed to feel for this romance because it goes on for-fucking-ever and there's no laughs.
NC: If you want to go for silly, fine. Leave out the romance, (A finger pokes into the scene removing Sandler and Violet,) leave out the generic bully. (The finger pokes Porter off the screen) Leave out the complicated rules you're making up for this world cause they clearly don't make any sense.
NC: This is so poorly written we can't tell when you're "supposed to be funny" or supposed to be real.
Sandler: No no no. There's a special feature on the app that lets you know when you're supposed to take me seriously and when you're not. (NC picks up the phone and looks at the app. On it is a function called "Musical Pandering" with the choices of Feel Serious, Feel Goofy, Feel Romantic, Feel Sad and Feel Inspired) It's actually a musical app. Yeah, you listen to the music, it lets you know, cause... I've heard it so many times my personality kinda actually changes along with it. (NC tests it out by pressing a button. Sad music plays, making Sandler become sad) I don't know if she'll ever love me. Maybe we're just meant to be apart. (Now the music is uplifting, making Sandler upbeat) Come on, guys! We're gonna get my girlfriend back! (Back to sad) Who said I was flirting? I didn't say I was flirting. (Another press and Sandler is inspired) I'm gonna win the championship and save grandma. (Now the music is turned off) Huh. So music to tell us how to feel.
Eddie: Does that mean you're gonna give me any funny lines?
Sandler: Don't ever ask me that again, Dinklage.
NC (vo): But the aliens claim that Earth cheated not playing by the video game rules (Flaming messages pops up with "You Tom Brady-ed" and "All Your Base Are Belong To Us") and unleash all their pixelated characters on the world.
Violet: How did this happen?
Eddie: I can answer that. I entered a cheat code to teleport my car in the last challenge like I did years ago to beat you.
(Just as NC's about to speak up, Violet beats him to the punch)
Violet: Wait, can I take this one? (NC allows her to do so) Okay. (She finishes her drink, then turns to Eddie) Are you fucking kidding me? No, seriously, are you fucking kidding me? First of all, how did you enter a cheat code at a championship? Did none of the hundreds of people there see you enter it? Second of all, where did you enter it? Your fucking car? Did you have a control panel on your wheel? Or did you honk fucking Morse code at them? Third of all, how the fuck did you teleport your car? This is real life! You can't teleport your car or enter cheat codes in real life! We all said yes to this script! We wanted our names on this! (Throughout this scene, Eddie and Sandler have been embarrassed) Could we just, like, hug it out a bit? I just need to know we're gonna survive all of this.
Sandler: Sure sure, bring it in.
(Sandler, Violet and Eddie hug it out)
Obama: Hey everybody. I'm doing the Robot instead of responding appropriately to hostile alien life. (The crowd chants OVERWEIGHT WHITE MAN at him) Yep. Do the Robama.
NC: And now we reach the part of the app which nears the end of every Adam Sandler movie: giving up. Yep, they just give up. You know how in most movie climaxes that's where they try their hardest? Here, that's where they try their least. In fact, there's even a game on the app that's simply titled... (We come to an American flag in the background while a man in a circle, the Writer, hangs out in it) "The Lazier the Writer, The Faster the Paycheck." This is where you add up all the times the writer clearly didn't give a shit and just wrote down anything he wanted to get his paycheck a little faster. Let's take a look.
(Throughout the rest of the scenes involved, the Writer hangs out on the right while a flying check inches closer from the left)
NC (vo): The aliens gave several trophies earlier, one of them being Q*Bert and only now several days later do they begin to ask them anything about their alien race.
Sandler: So what's the history of your species--Watch me win Call of Duty! Heh, doody.
(The scene is now filled with Pac-Man, Ryu from Street Fighter, Mario, Wolverine, Scorpion from Mortal Kombat, a Pac-Man ghost and Altair from Assassin's Creed)
NC (vo): The aliens attack full force with all their pixelated characters which is neat, (Frogger is shown bouncing in a pond, but soon blows up into pixels. The next scene now has Frogger captured by a crane and not blowing up, making a WTF bubble pop up) but they make it clear that when they touch something it turned them into pixels, but when a crane stops Frogger, nothing happens. But really, who gives a shit when the President comes out and says this?
Obama: They wanted to put me in a bunker, I said no thanks. Instead, I'm gonna fight video game aliens and, uh, save the world.
(The video pauses and NC comes in)
NC: Actually, that'd be pretty cool if Obama really did that. But he didn't, it was Kevin James. Put him back in there.
(Obama's now replaced by Kevin James)
James: Yay! Your President Paul Blart is gonna shoot up aliens! Someone give me a beer to chug!
(The video pauses again)
NC: Now that's the stupidity I'm used to! It's like Independence Day only that was hilarious and this isn't.
NC (vo): Unfunny Pervert's video game character he fantasized over comes to life. Except she's not pixely, she looks just like a real person. (Lady Lisa, played by Tamara, appears. Ludlow stares at her, astonished) There is no reason for this. (Hearts flash in Ludlow's and Lady Lisa's eyes as they look at each other) Oh, God, and despite her not talking at all, she also falls in love with the unfunny pervert. (Ludlow exerts himself on her as she looks joyful) There is, again, no reason for this.
Writer: The less I try, the closer my money gets to me.
NC (vo): So the aliens send a CG Max Headroom that somehow looks even more fake than the original Max Headroom to summon our heroes for one last challenge--Again, really no reason at all--to give them a chance to win. (Sandler and Violet are in Donkey Kong) Once again, they have to play by the game's rules. So what do our heroes do? They cheat and don't play by the game's rules. (Sandler throws a hammer at Donkey Kong, blowing him up)
NC: Yeah, remember that scene earlier saying how cheating was bad? Well that's exactly what they do except it ends up winning the day. The only reason it's okay here is cause it makes Adam Sandler look good!
Writer: Less talking! I'm almost rewarded for my incredible gift! (NC facepalms at that)
NC (vo): This means all the pixels disappear, including Unfunny Perv's love. (Lady Lisa disappears and Ludlow is crying. Q*Bert hops next to him and turns into Lady Lisa) But it's okay as Q*Bert turns into her. This is so blatantly lazy that even Sandler himself shrugs off how little this makes sense, but doesn't give a shit.
Sandler: Nobody questions why Q*Bert suddenly turns into a hot lady? Oh well, who cares? We just wasted millions of dollars and doomed video game movies forever! Wooo! (He high fives Violet and dances around excitedly while Violet is bored. The Writer finally gets his check)
Writer: I did it! I half-assed what took thousands of writers have tried years to do for a living! Yay!
(A caption pops up saying "Congrats! We KILLED Video Game Movies Forever!")
Narrator: And to preserve our comedic masterpiece, (a caption pops up saying) we're taking down every video on Vimeo that has the word "Pixels" in the title. (A headline from Cartoon Brew pops up saying "Sony Tried to Screw Indie Filmmakers Over Their Crappy Film, 'Pixels'") Yes, we really did that! We're kind of fucking insane! Oh, and while we're at it. (NC's review for Eight Crazy Nights has GONE stamped over it, before WE GET YOU hovers over the screen) We know what you want! We're so not behind the times!
NC: And that was Pixels, one of the most hated films of the year. Is it one of the worst, if not THE worst Adam Sandler production that has ever been put together? No. It's not even close, really. There are so many other films he's had a hand in that have tried less and accomplished less than this has. There's one or two neat effects and every... twenty minutes, maybe I had a little bit of a laugh, which is more than I can say for some of his other productions. So, why is there so much hate? Why does this one get people just so fucking pissed off? Because it's 20-fucking-15.
NC (vo): The fact that Sandler is still using these lazy gimmicks with no changes is just becoming insulting. (Poster of 50 First Dates) Even if you don't like his humor, which is totally understandable, you felt like he was at least trying. (Poster of Happy Gilmore) You felt like even though he was weird, there was some form of effort being put into his work before. Here, it's like a $110 million dollar autopilot. We know Sandler, as well as all the other people here, can be talented and funny. (Pictures of Bill Murray, Ben Stiller and Amy Pohler) But as so many comedians are trying to evolve and adapt with the times, Sandler seems bizarrely disinterested in getting better. I think we're angry because we want to like Pixels, we want to like Sandler's work. And when we find it's not only bad, but feels uncaringly bad, (Poster of Jack and Jill) we wonder why nobody's (Poster of The Cobbler) waking up after all these bombs and saying, (Poster of Blended) "Let's try something different. Let's try stepping up our game, step up our jokes, step up our characters." This is the tipping point where people are just saying, enough is enough! (Pictures of Sandler from SNL and Happy Gilmore) Give us effort again, give us energy, give us something that feels fresh and new, similar to the first surreal time that we've ever encountered you.
NC: Until then, (holding his phone) we still have the Sandler App, and hopefully there'll be a day where this will no longer be a requirement in any of his films. I'm the Nostalgia Critic and... come back!
(He gets up to leave. The elephant pokes his head back in)
Elephant: I never left.
NC: Not you!
(And we go to credits)
Channel Awesome logo
Kevin James: Yay! Your President Paul Blart is gonna shoot up aliens!