January 4, 2010
See Also: Where this comic should be thrown into.
Linkara: Hello, and welcome to Atop the Fourth Wall, where bad comics burn. Well, it's 2010 now, and we should start things off fresh. None of that bad political commentary or Liefeld-esque proportions. So that's why I'm reviewing (holds up comic of review) "Pitt"! (suddenly stops himself) Wait, "Pitt"?! (looks at comic, then frowns) Whole new year, same old crap. Let's dig into "Pitt #1".
(The theme song rolls, followed by the title for this episode, accompanied by "Eagle-Eye Cherry" by Save Tonight playing in the background; cut to a closeup of the cover of the Pitt comic)
Linkara (v/o): First, a little background on the creator and artist, Dale Keown. Nothing really spectacular to say about the guy, but mostly just because from what I can tell from Google searches, he's wasted potential.
(Cut to a shot of the cover of the second issue of "Pitt")
Linkara (v/o): For early Image Comics, his art isn't all that bad, though it suffers a lot of the same problems. No, the real problem I'm seeing is that the guy is incredibly LAZY. "Pitt #1" came out in January of 1993. When did the second issue hit? July! It took them five years for the series to actually end at issue #20. That's "All-Star Batman and Robin" levels of bad! This is something I'm really losing patience over! There are plenty of artists in the industry who are perfectly capable of keeping a monthly schedule with maybe the occasional hiccup.
(Cut to a shot of a cover for an issue of "52")
Linkara (v/o): "52" was a weekly series that managed to come out on time every week.
(Cut to a shot of a cover for an issue of "Countdown")
Linkara (v/o): Hell, even "Countdown", as completely bad as it was, still managed to come out on time every week. And those were just with rotating artists!
(Cut to a shot of a cover for an issue of "Trinity", featuring Batman, Superman and Wonder Woman)
Linkara (v/o): The third weekly series, "Trinity", boasted Mark Bagley doing more than half of every issue, and they all came out on time.
(Cut to a shot of Linkara's title card for this episode)
Linkara (v/o): I have a weekly title card artist who only missed last week's because of Christmas!
(Cut to a shot of an episode of CR's show Familiar Faces)
Linkara (v/o): CR not only does his Familiar Faces show...
(Cut to a shot of the website Lightbringer)
Linkara (v/o): ...but also draws my web comic Lightbringer on a weekly basis.
Linkara: Bottom line: if you can't commit to doing a monthly book, don't pretend that you can or expect us to wait for you!
(Cut to a closeup of the Pitt comic cover)
Linkara (v/o): Anyway, onto the comic itself. Hey, look, it's his face. Can't you just imagine walking into a comic book store, looking at the rack of new comics and seeing this ugly mug shoved in your face? Actually, there's something familiar about this cover...
(Cut to a shot of a cover for the comic "Warrior")
Ultimate Warrior (v/o): (voiced by Spoony) I look up to the gods, and when you fall below the skeletons...
Linkara: If I see one mention of "distrucity" or "skronking", then I'm calling it quits!
Linkara (v/o): The cover also wishes to tell us that this is the "rippin' 1st issue!"
Linkara: (holding up comic to tear it in half) And I'm fully prepared to make that literal!
(The comic opens to the first page)
Linkara (v/o): We open to New York City at 3AM. A motorcycle gang called the Vipers is driving around, generally acting like imbeciles. We have yet to see if they'll start playing card games on their motorcycles, or if they're just your standard kind of stupid.
Narrator: It's a milkrun. You get your kicks where you can.
Linkara: (as a motorcycle driver) C'mon, guys, let's go get some MILK! Whoo-hoo!
Linkara (v/o): They come to a stop when they spot an overmuscled figure approaching them.
Viper member: Do you see what I see!?!
Linkara: (as Viper member) A star, a star, dancing in the night!
Linkara (v/o): No, believe it or not, this abomination against physiology is actually our title character, Pitt.
Viper member: Is this guy for real?
Linkara: Yeah, but by all logic, he shouldn't be
Viper member: HEY! Where's your spandex pal?! HA HA HA HA HA!
Linkara: (as Viper member) HA HA HA HA HA! Oh, Steve, you ought to do stand-up!
Viper member: Bring him down, Brick!
Linkara (v/o): Okay, now, that is funny. He's clearly three times your size, and you even acknowledge he should be in superhero garb, and you think your dingbat motorcycle gang has any chance against him? You might as well send a gang of recumbent bicyclists for all the good it's gonna do. Naturally, their attacks are about as effective as poking him with a whiffle bat. One of the gang decides to drive right at him.
Viper member: My old man always said finish what you star– unf! (he is grabbed in the face by Pitt's hand)
Linkara: (as Viper member, with his own hand in his face) Okay, this may be the wrong time to start following my parents' advice.
Linkara (v/o): So, yeah, Pitt has grabbed him by the face.
Linkara: I don't think he quite gets the idea of "got your nose".
Linkara (v/o): Of course, despite the fact that Pitt is just whaling on them, ramming their heads into the various surroundings, the bikers don't even consider running away. Noooo, instead, they feel the need to reference Scarface.
(Cut to a clip of Scarface)
Tony Montana: (toting a machine gun) Say hello to my little friend!
(Cut back to the comic)
Linkara (v/o): When they stop to reload, Pitt grows longer nails... because he wasn't silly-looking enough already... and decides to attack them in a two-page, horizontal spread that I have to flip around in order to read, cementing my hatred of this comic. Pitt decides he doesn't want to break a nail, considering their new length, opting instead to shove his gaping maw right at the reader.
Linkara: Hey, didn't get enough of Pitt's face from the cover? Then enjoy a few more panels of his dental work!
Linkara (v/o): We cut to a little kid waking up. So it was all a dream. Maybe the real comic can start up now.
Boy: Is this night ever going to end?
Linkara: (pointing at camera) No! Save tonight! Fight the break of dawn! Come tomorrow! Tomorrow I'll be gone!
Linkara (v/o): The kid's grandfather comes in to comfort him, since apparently he's been having nightmares for a while of this sort, made all the worse by the fact that the kid's parents were recently killed in an issue of "Youngblood". Yes, sadly, this is yet another book that ties into "Youngblood".
Linkara: Yeah, back in the early days of Image Comics, they really did try to make us think that most of their books took place in the same universe. And it's really depressing to think that anyone wanted to have their stuff be in any way connected to "Youngblood".
Linkara (v/o): We cut to the police station, or as the caption box puts it, "Elsewhere". Not sure why the ambiguity of its location since it says "14th Precinct" right there. A woman named Bobbie Harras is introduced to the cops and is assigned to a case involving a subway car that occurred in the "Youngblood" issue that this takes place after.
Detective: Hey! That's my case!
Police Chief: It's not YOUR case, Smithers...
Linkara: (as Smithers) Hooker's a good cop! (as chief) You can't take the law into your own hands! (as Smithers) What about the rights to that little girl? (as chief) Mayor's on my ass about this case! (as Smithers) This is not your personal war! (as chief) I gotta have more cowbell. (as Smithers) I was frozen today! (sitting holding the comic again) And so forth.
Linkara (v/o): By the way, you know it's bad when this scene is easily the best drawn in the whole book. Sure, it seems crowded in the panels, but compare it to the earlier shots of Pitt fighting the motorcycle gang. In New York, you expect a police station to be crowded and a bit hectic, and there's genuine grittiness. Whereas, in the fight, I can't follow half the panels because they're so disjointed and disorganized! Random lines have been shoved in for the detailing and shading. The old nemesis of Image Comics called backgrounds has once again retreated in favor of grimy shades of colors that are equally filled in with random lines. But onto the crappiness of the police scene. The lettering is awful, and that's got to be a first for this show! I don't know what happened, but this is really a problem with earlier comics. While hand-lettering gives a more natural feel to it, sometimes, like this one, it's really bleeding into itself, making a dark blob of incomprehensible text. You might as well just put a Rorschach test in place of the word balloons!
Linkara: (reading and pointing to comic) "Harley Quinn"... "Harley Quinn"... "Harley Quinn"... (suddenly becomes excited) Oh, look, a bunny! (turns comic around to show it)
Linkara (v/o): The officers examine the photos of the subway station and aren't sure of what to make of Pitt. One suggests that he might be a member of Youngblood, and once again, I have to give credit where it's due. Besides for Agent Smithers – and yes, that's his character's name – being upset over not being on the case alone anymore, the officers are all acting intelligently and not annoying. Smithers and Bobbie Harras are told to go to the crime scene and hook up with the forensics team.
Chief: And let's keep a lid on it! The press will be short stroking this all over the place.
Linkara: (as chief) Damn freedom of the press. God, I hate it!
Linkara (v/o): We cut to Pitt just standing in an alleyway, talking to his caption boxes. For some reason, the caption boxes aren't capitalized in any way.
Text: that was unnecessary. your actions were barbaric at best.
Pitt: KILL OR BE KILLED!
Text: you were capable of withstanding their attack without retaliation. we must use discretion.
Linkara (v/o): Who is he talking to, his steroids?!
Pitt: I WILL NOT RETREAT FROM BATTLE. I AM A WARRIOR.
Linkara: "A warrior"? (looks up as a horrible thought comes into his head) Oh, no. OH, NO!!
(Suddenly, the Ultimate Warrior, played by Spoony, appears)
Ultimate Warrior: AAARRRGGGHHH!! THAT'S RIGHT, HOAKOGAN. THE TUPPERWARES OF VICTORY HAVE BEEN FILLED. AND THE PUMA GOD IN THEIR HOLY SPACESHIP HAVE SENT THE POWER OF THE WARRIORS TO FOKE AT ARBY'S.
Linkara: (cringing) Dammit, not you!
Ultimate Warrior: WILL YOU NOT MEET THE CHALLENGE OF THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR? I WILL PARACHUTE IN FROM THE WATERS OF THE SUN TO WRESTLEMANIA, HOAKOGAN, AND THERE I WILL UNITE THE POWER OF THE HULKAMANIACS WITH THE POWER OF THE WARRIOR AND TOGETHER THEY WILL BE... DESTRUCILICIOUS!!!!
Linkara: Would you get out of here! You're gonna warp space and time again!
Ultimate Warrior: AAARRRGGHHH, I WILL WEAR YOUR HAT LIKE A PINATA, HOAKOGAN, I THINK ESPERANTO IS A LEGITIMATE LANGUAGE AND SOON–
Linkara: (pointing offscreen) LEAVE!!
Ultimate Warrior: (SKRONK) (leaves)
Linkara: There. And now, to purge your memory of that, let's do something else instead.
Pitt: I WILL NOT RETREAT FROM BATTLE. I AM A WARRIOR.
(Linkara raises his finger in the air; a thumping sound is heard, but nothing else)
Linkara (v/o): Speaking of nonsensical bullcrap, Pitt has what I think is a flashback. Here, we see some alien robot things talking to each other.
Alien robot thing: SEER, if the given species is not functioning in harmony with itself... how might that same species effect positive change?
Seer: By recognizing that the conflicts of their exterior world are a direct reflection of their own personal conflict.
Linkara: (listlessly) I have no idea who these people are. You are not getting me interested in them.
Seer: The only true enemy is ignorance.
Alien robot thing: SEER, I am unable to elevate the crystal, without conscious effort!
Linkara: (still listless) Nope, sorry, this is not working. It's just confusing and boring.
Seer: Our crime, spreading to much...
("Too" much, not "to" much.)
Seer: ...light throughout the universe.
Linkara: (irritably) BE MORE INTERESTING!!
Linkara (v/o): So, after all that nonsense, the narrative caption boxes tell Pitt that he may serve an important role on this planet "in its salvation". Great, why do I get the feeling Pitt is going to be knocking on people's doors, telling them about how he's come to spread the word about the Gorn (?) from Cestus III? Meanwhile, at the subway station, apparently, no one's bothered to tell people that the subway is closed, since Rosie O'Donnell here is throwing a hissy fit about missing her train. The cops are shocked to see some of the steel bars that have been bent, obviously by something with incredible strength.
Smithers: 17 years on the force, and I* never, and I mean EVER have I seen anything like this.
- NOTE: Smithers does not say "and I..."
Linkara: (as Smithers) I've just got (holds three fingers) three days left until retirement. (as Travis Bickle) Some days I just get so sick of the scum on the streets. (as Arthur Kirkland) No, you're out of order! (as Judge Dredd, slurring) I am the law! (as Horatio Caine, donning a pair of glasses) Looks like somebody got bent out of shape.
(Cut briefly to the opening of CSI: Miami; cut back to the comic)
Linkara (v/o): As the detectives walk off and speculate a bit, they don't notice the rather loud portal behind them made of Scrubbing Bubbles. However, that doesn't last long, as the zapping sound suddenly completely fills the area, and they turn around in shock. Outside, Smithers gets to show us how much of an asshole he is by telling Harras how his last partner was jealous of him because...
Smithers: I used to get all the chicks!
Linkara: (as Smithers) Not women, mind you; I just used to work on a farm.
Harras: Have you been an @$$#*!# all your life, or is this a recent development?
Linkara (v/o): Ooh, score one for the lady with changing font. As they hear the sound of gunfire, they call for backup and head down. Civilians run past them, and we get this hilarious shot of a person going face-first into a wall. I know that's got to hurt, but what's supposed to be suspenseful drama only ends up being funny. Smithers tells Harras to wait for backup, but Harras wants to go in because of the possibility of civilians in danger.
Harras: Are you on paste?!
Linkara: In the world of "Youngblood", do people recreationally shoot Elmer's Glue?
Linkara (v/o): They draw their guns. And so, our comic ends on a two-page spread with huge, gray abominations and this guy who has an arm bigger than his entire body. Because that's certainly practical and not completely stupid!
Linkara: (holding up comic) This comic sucks! The story reveals nothing about the random mishmash of characters, the artwork is awful, and the dialogue cliched and unimpressive. In other words, it can only go downhill for the rest of the year. (puts comic down, gets up and leaves)
Sadly not as much POWERHOUSE EXCITEMENT as I thought there would be this week.
Evidently, these comics I read need to BE MORE INTERESTING.
(Stinger: Spoony as the Ultimate Warrior returns)
Ultimate Warrior: AAARRRGGHHH, I WILL WEAR YOUR HAT LIKE A PINATA, HOAKOGAN, I THINK ESPERANTO IS A LEGITIMATE LANGUAGE AND SOON THE COMETS WILL CRASH DOWN AND FLYING PEGASUSES FROM THE MYTHICAL LAND WILL CRASH INTO DAVID BOWIE! AND THE NEVERENDING STORY WILL HAVE THE BEST SEQUEL, FOR TRULY OUR STORY WILL NEVER END, HOAKOGAN, EXCEPT FOR WRESTLEMANIA WHERE MANY STORIES END, AND I RATHER BE GOING, AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE I'M GOING WITH THIS! (beat) AAARRRGGHHH, I WILL WEAR YOUR HAT LIKE A PINATA, HOAKOGAN, I THINK ESPERANTO IS A LEGITIMATE LANGUAGE AND SOON THE COMETS WILL ALIGN! I THOUGHT MURPHY BROWN WAS AN UNDERRATED COMEDY FOR ITS TIME! I CRIED WHEN MOONLIGHTING WAS CANCELED, HOAKOGAN! (SKRONK) (falls over)