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Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest
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Release Date
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March 8, 2023
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Running Time
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21:20
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Previous Review
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Link
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Video
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(The Channel Awesome logo is shown. We then cut to the "PIRATES MONTH" opening title)
NC (vo): Pirates Month continues, and after the smash hit of The Black Pearl, Disney sensed they had a franchise on their hands and decided to give Pirates not one, but two sequels shot back to back.
NC: Because, you know, Matrix did it so well. (Shows posters for the Matrix sequels)
(The title for Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest is shown, accompanied by clips from the film)
NC (vo): Released in 2006, the hype around Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest was crazy. Everyone had pirate fever, and despite the film not getting the best reviews, audiences still had a great time with it. And I guess I'm... somewhere in between. This film has a lot of flaws that are easy to point out, but the fun moments are really, really fun. There's so many chases and lines and visual jokes that still stay with me years later, and I don't know, if I'm still laughing at 'em after all this time, it must be doing something right. But yes, even diehard fans of this movie can agree, it's got some problems. So let's take a look at where it continues the fun and where it drops the cannonball.
NC: (imitating Davy Jones) This is Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest.
(The film opens on a rather rainy day)
Elizabeth: Why is this happening?
Will: I don't know.
NC: Well, kids, I can already spot two mistakes. Can you?
(The numbers "1" and "2" appear above Elizabeth and Will's heads)
NC: Very good! Will and Elizabeth are back for absolutely no reason!
NC (vo): Yeah, their story ended! It's Jack and his crew that was hinting at more adventures, but for some reason they're put back in the spotlight as Norrington 2.0, Cutler Beckett – played by Tom Hollander – arrests Will for aiding in Jack Sparrow's escape – on his wedding day, no less!
Elizabeth: It's bad luck for the groom to see the bride before the wedding.
Governor Swann: (clearly appalled) This warrant is for Elizabeth Swann!
Cutler Beckett: My mistake. Arrest her.
NC (vo): (as Elizabeth) It's also bad luck to arrest the bride before the wedding!
(We cut to the next scene)
NC (vo): Cut to a prison where guards are throwing dead prisoners into the water. Once again, Jack Sparrow is given a pretty great entrance.
(From inside the casket, Sparrow blasts a crow with a flintlock pistol before breaking out)
NC: I think only wrestlers have better entrances than him!
NC (vo): He gets to his crew – who are pissed he's wasted so much time – but he has the first clue to finding valuable treasure.
Gibbs: We're expecting something a bit more... shiny.
Pirate: What is on that piece of cloth there?
(Sparrow unfurls the cloth, with a drawing of the key to the Dead Man's Chest)
NC (vo): (as Gibbs) A penis?
Sparrow: It is a drawing of a key.
NC (vo): They set sail to find this key to unlock a mysterious treasure, while Beckett makes a deal with Turner. He says if he brings back Jack Sparrow's compass, he'll let him go. Why? Well, it turns out the compass isn't broken, which added to Sparrow's enjoyable oddness. No, no, it turns out it's a magic compass that points to whatever you really want!
Sparrow: This compass does not point north. It points to the thing you want most in this world.
NC (vo): Yeah, there's a lot of stupid recounting like that in this. Speaking of which, oh, my God, it looks just like Orlando Bloom!
Sparrow: Bootstrap. Bill Turner.
NC (vo): Stellan Skarsgård plays Will's father, Bootstrap Bill, the guy they said twice looked exactly like him...
(Two clips from the previous film are shown)
Sparrow: I swear you look just like him.
Ragetti: It's the splitting image of our Bootstrap Bill come back to haunt us!
NC: I bought Fozzie and Kermit as identical twins in The Great Muppet Caper better than this. (shows image of Kermit and Fozzie from that film)
NC (vo): ...and he warns Jack that Davy Jones is after his soul.
Bootstrap Bill: You made a deal with him, too, Jack. He raised the Pearl from the depths for you. Jones' terrible leviathan will find you.
NC: (as Bootstrap Bill) He is the angriest of the Monkeys. (shows an image of Davy Jones from The Monkees)
NC (vo): Jack is marked and makes his way to an island where the crew is captured by a tribe that thinks Jack is a god who has to be cooked to be released. Will finds him on that island, next to honestly a very impressive set piece.
(Upon arriving at the island, Will spots the Black Pearl lying on its side)
Will: (calling into the ship) JACK! JACK SPARROW!
NC (vo): Ah, yes, thank you, all the other Jacks on the island were confused. Why are you in this?!
(Will searches for Jack, only to wind up getting captured by the tribe. Will meets Sparrow, also captured)
Will: Jack?
Sparrow: (to the tribe) Lam se se, eunuch-y. Snip, snip.
(The tribe is intrigued)
NC: Okay, so here's the thing: this entire section is... pretty pointless.
NC (vo): It's twenty minutes, adds nothing to the story or characters; you could just have Will meet Jack at sea and accomplish the same thing in literally a minute.
NC: However, this is some of the most enjoyable stuff in the movie.
NC (vo): The slapstick is funny, the visuals are creative, the twisted sense of humor is great...
(Will is imprisoned with Gibbs and Mr. Cotton in a cage dangling over a cliff above the sea)
Will: Where's the rest of the crew?
Gibbs: These cages we're in weren't built 'til after we got here.
NC: So, here's what I think: I think the movie should have started here.
NC (vo): Yeah, I know I did this with Anastasia and Ghostbusters 2 (shows posters for those films), but what if the film began with Will seeing the ship? You'd save twenty minutes in a movie that's been criticized, even by fans, for being too long.
NC: Because, weirdly, everything they set up is repeated again!
Will: (to Sparrow) The compass, that's all I need! Elizabeth is in danger! We were arrested for trying to help you! She faces the gallows!
NC (vo): If you opened here, these scenes wouldn't be pointless. They'd tell us what happened in between movies and serve as a fun, adrenaline-pumping reintroduction to everyone. Imagine Elizabeth being introduced in jail and breaking herself out, while explaining the film's plot again.
Elizabeth: (to Beckett) You sent Will to get you the compass owned by Jack Sparrow.
NC (vo): Imagine not wasting all this time with characters just talking about what they're gonna repeat in a little bit again anyway.
NC: Really, all you'd miss...
(The scene of Sparrow breaking himself out of his casket is replayed)
NC (vo): ...is this cool intro from Jack...
(It cuts to Sparrow being held captive by the tribe)
NC (vo): ...but honestly, imagine this was his intro. Wouldn't that kind of be even more attention-getting? For a series that's set to get more and more complicated as it goes along, this would have been a very effective way to cut out a lot of fat.
NC: But like I said, though, it is pretty fun.
Will: What about Jack? I won't leave without him!
(Suddenly, Will spots Sparrow trying to flee the tribe, as they all chase him)
Will: Time to go.
Jack: (dubbed by Indiana Jones): JOCK! START THE ENGINES! GET IT UP!
(The pirates escape, leaving only a dog behind. The tribe decides to chase after it instead)
NC: Don't worry, kids, he tasted great.
(We cut to black and then return to the film)
NC (vo): Jack tells Will that he'll give him the compass, but only under one condition...
Sparrow: If you will help me to find... this.
(He shows Will the cloth with the drawing of the key)
NC (vo): (as Will) A penis?
(We cut to the next scene: Elizabeth has stowed away on a ship)
NC (vo): He agrees, but it looks like Elizabeth is already several steps ahead, as she escaped and is trying to find Will.
Captain: We have a stowaway on board. A young woman, by the look of it. I want you to search the ship and find her.
NC: Oh, Christ, I'm not even a member of the crew...
(Points out Elizabeth amongst the crew)
NC (vo): ... and I can tell she's right there!
(In the next scene, the pirates have reached Tia Dalma's lair)
Tia: I always knew the wind was going to blow you back to me one day.
NC (vo): Jack makes his way to a witch doctor named Tia Dalma, played by Naomie Harris in yet another role where I said, "Holy shit, that was her?!", as they hope she can help them on their quest.
Will: We're looking for this.
(He unfurls the cloth with the drawing of the key to Dead Man's Chest on it)
NC (vo): (as Tia) A penis?
NC: Don't worry, only one-third of the review is that joke.
NC (vo): She says the key opens the Dead Man's Chest, which holds the heart of Davy Jones, who gave it to a woman, not the sea.
Gibbs: No, no, no, no, I heard it was the sea he fell in love with.
Tia: Same story, different versions, and all are true!
NC: This scene stands out for a sadly unique reason: it's the only moment in the movie where the writing is doing two things at once.
NC (vo): She talks about Davy Jones falling in love with a woman, and we find out in the next film that she's that woman.
Tia: It was a woman, as changing and harsh and untamable as the sea.
NC (vo): But unlike the first movie, where a lot of info is snuck in to save time and makes rewatching a lot more fun, almost all the writing in this is "what you hear is what you get". It's exposition with jokes, and sometimes the same exposition repeated again.
(A montage of clips is shown to prove NC's point)
Beckett: Bring back that compass, or there's no deal.
Will: The compass, that's all I need! Elizabeth is in danger!
Elizabeth: You sent Will to get you the compass owned by Jack Sparrow.
NC (vo): That's one of the reasons I think it was a mistake to do these films back-to-back: they knew they had another movie, so they didn't feel they needed to condense the writing. But because of that, they spend way too much time explaining, and there's little to no layers in the dialogue.
NC: Even the stuff they do build up, like the jar of dirt...
Sparrow: (holding up jar) This is a jar of dirt.
NC (vo): ...does come back, but not in a clever way. Again, you can write this out and miss nothing but a few memes.
NC: But okay, screw it, some of these memes were worth it. (shows a meme featuring the jar, with the words "HEAVY BREATHING" on it)
NC (vo): They're told to find Davy Jones' ship, and sure enough, they do, along with his crew and Davy Jones himself, played by Bill Nighy.
Davy Jones: Do you fear death?
NC: (shrugs) And I gotta give credit: Jones still looks pretty damn good.
NC (vo): While he's not quite the effects landmark something like Gollum was (shows image of Gollum), he's still pretty damn decent effect, with a cool design and strange mannerisms that only the guy who voiced Grandsanta could come up with.
Sparrow: So, we've established my proposal as sound in principle. Now, we're just haggling over price.
Jones: Price?
(After this, Jones razzes)
NC: (confused) Did his mouth just fart?!
(The clip replayes)
NC: (as Jones) Apologies, one of these holes had Taco Bell, and this hole just butt-cheeks it out!
NC (vo): So, because we're in a LucasArts game and not a movie, yet another side quest is established, and Jack needs to get 99 souls to balance out his payment to Jones, while he also holds on to Will.
Jones: Three days.
(Jones turns away and walks off)
NC: (pointing) Hey, look! I found his clitoris! (shows the back of Jones' octopus head)
(The screen fades to black as we enter a commercial break)
NC: (horrified) I'm going to a commercial on that?!
(We do indeed go to commercial break, and when we return, Sparrow's crew is docking in Tortuga)
NC (vo): So the crew goes to Tortuga to find 99 souls...
(Shows the fountain clip)
NC (vo): Yeah, let's just put all the ride references here; that works.
(Gibbs is recruiting pirates)
NC (vo): ...And oh, boy, if you were excited to see Will and Elizabeth return, guess which other crowd favorite they brought back!
(Commodore Norrington from the previous film arrives, and is an absolute mess)
Gibbs: Commodore?
Norrington: No, not anymore. Weren't you listening?!
NC: Yeah, Norrington was so popular in the first film, they're like, "Let's put two in this one!" (shows side-by-side comparison of Norrington in both films)
NC (vo): Yeah, I guess you couldn't afford to give him a day's head start, could you? With that said, I'm a simple man; I love bar fights that start for absolutely no reason.
(The bar fight is shown, with Sparrow simply walking through it unfazed. In the midst of this, we cut to a clip of Davy Crockett and the River Pirates)
Mike Fink: What's going on around here? Who started it? Now, stop it!
NC (vo): Seriously, a guy could be like...
NC: (as patron) "Uh, I'll have the toast?"
(A wine bottle gets thrown at him, hitting the wall behind him)
NC: (as patron) MY GOD! (He gets up from his seat and runs off)
(We are shown the Davy Jones' ship, the Flying Dutchman)
Crewman: Secure the mast tackle, Mr. Turner!
NC (vo): Back on Jones' friggin' awesome ship... Seriously, did I mention yet everything around this character is designed great?
Second crewman: Down on your marrowbones and pray!
NC (vo): Okay, Seaweed Shrek's a little weird, but whatever. ...Will is reunited with his father. Again, imagine we started twenty minutes later, and this would be your introduction to Bootstrap Bill. Wouldn't it be more interesting?
Bill: That's my son.
Jones: Five lashes be owed, I believe it is.
(Jones gives Bill a cat o' nine tails, with which to lash Will)
NC: (as Bill) I guess I do have to make up for many fatherly spankings.
(NC then makes a lashing motion, with the sound of a real lashing heard in the background. With each lash, Will cringes in pain.)
NC (vo; as Bill): This is for...
NC: ...The Desolation of Smaug!
(NC then makes another lashing motion. Will again cringes in pain.)
NC (vo; as Bill): This is for...
NC: ...that weird Three Musketeers remake!
(NC then makes another lashing motion, causing Will still more pain.)
NC (vo; as Bill): And this is for...
NC: ...whatever the hell that third Hobbit movie was called!
NC (vo): He catches up with Dad-Do and lets him know what he's doing there.
Will: Not until I find this...
(He unfurls the cloth with the drawing of the key. Bill looks at it closely)
NC (vo) (as Bill): A penis?
NC: Okay, maybe two-thirds of the review.
(A man fused to the wall suddenly gains consciousness and is able to tear himself away from the walls)
NC: (horrified) Well, here's a question I'll be asking a lot in the third one: what the hell?!
Wall Guy: The Dead Man's Chest...
NC (vo): (as Wyvern, quoting Treebeard) Treeship, some call me.
(We cut back to Tortuga)
NC (vo): He reveals Jones has the key, while back on Tortuga, Elizabeth gives away her disguise.
Sparrow: Come to join me crew, lad?
Elizabeth: I'm here to find the man I love.
(Gibbs and Sparrow turn sharply)
Sparrow: I'm deeply flattered, son, but my first and only love is the sea.
NC: (as Sparrow) You may want to ask that sailor over there.
(As he speaks, a clip of the "King Homer" segment of The Simpsons "Treehouse of Horror III" is shown)
Smithers: I think women and sea-men don't mix.
Sparrow: It should be a dress or nothing. I happen to have a new dress in my cabinet.
NC (vo): (as Sparrow) With a woman still in it. (normal) Norrington as well tries to work his way on board, though he doesn't believe the stories of the Dead Man's Chest.
Norrington: You don't actually believe him, do you?
Elizabeth: How do we find it?
NC (vo): (as Norrington) I can't believe you're not taking me seriously! It's the pig shit, isn't it? It's the pig shit!
(We cut to Will and Jones playing Liar's Dice)
NC (vo): Meanwhile, Will and Jones are playing lying Dutchman with dice, and again, while Jones is great to watch, Will is so goddamn boring.
Jones: Seven fives.
Will: Eight fives.
NC (vo): Like, I am trying to care whenever he's on screen, but having even the slightest interest in him is like advanced trigonometry; I just don't see how I'm supposed to do it.
(Will sneaks into Jones' cabin while he's asleep and slips the key out of one of his tentacles)
NC (vo): He gets the key from around Davy Jones' neck while he sleeps, which, I have to admit, makes this badass character look pretty dumb and lame. And meanwhile, Elizabeth has to wonder, does she actually love Jack?
NC: Yeah, the notion that was literally used as a joke in the last film...
Sparrow: (in the previous film) It would never have worked between us, darling.
NC (vo): ...is now being presented as a legit possibility.
Norrington: There was a time I would have given anything for you to look like that while thinking about me.
Elizabeth: I don't know what you mean.
Norrington: Oh, I think you do.
NC (vo): (in a high-pitched Valley girl voice) Oh, my God! I am so telling the other pirates!
NC (vo): (in another high-pitched Valley girl voice) No, you're not!
NC (vo): (as first girl) Yes, I am!
NC (vo): (as second girl) No, you're not!
NC (vo): (as first girl) Yes, I am!
(Both "voices" argue, ending in a loud titter)
NC (vo): Will escapes off the Dutchman, but Jones sends the Kraken after him...
NC: Which, honestly, is another pointless scene.
NC (vo): It's been talked about, teased earlier, it's going to be the climax of the film, (shows image from Clash of the Titans) and Liam Neeson doesn't even announce it. Why do we need to see it pointlessly take down this ship just to have Will get right back on the Dutchman?
(The attack is shown)
NC: It's not even that great an effect.
NC (vo): Like, it's passable, I guess, but not enough for two long major action sequences around it.
(As the ship is wrecked, Elizabeth's dress from earlier s shown floating in the water)
NC: Oh, wait, it was to honor the true victims of the slaughter...
NC (vo): ...18th century fashion.
NC: No, really! They cut to this dress TWICE!
(The dress is shown sinking into the ocean)
NC (vo): This movie just loves to show stuff so it can show stuff! Speaking of which, let's dive more into Elizabeth's psyche, I guess.
Elizabeth: I should have been married by now. I'm so ready to be married.
(Cut to a clip of Austin Powers: Goldmember)
Dr. Evil: Boo-frickety-hoo!
NC (vo): Yeah, who gives a shit?! It's obvious they have no idea what to do with Will and Elizabeth, so they're just like "I don't know, she likes him now! ...Maybe. Did she say something about a corset--? yeah, WE WERE DONE! We don't know what they're doing here, either; we're doing the best we can!"
(We cut to black, and when we return, everyone makes it to Isla Cruces)
NC (vo): At last, they finally get to the Dead Man's Chest. And when I say "they", I mean..."everyone".
Elizabeth: Will! You're all right! Thank God!
Sparrow: How did you get here?
NC (vo): (as Will) I don't know, the script is bonkers!
(Suddenly, Will, Sparrow and Norrington all engage one another in a sword duel)
NC (vo): Everyone tries to backstab each other to get the chest, and...
NC: Yeah, this is where the film gets fun again.
NC (vo): I can barely remember what led up to all this, but the visual humor and action pieces are really creative and pretty laugh-out-loud funny.
(The fight continues on a waterwheel, which breaks free and starts rolling through the jungle)
NC (vo): This whole fight scene is like watching (shows a clip of...) a Goofy sports cartoon; it just gets sillier and sillier, but by God, it's damn impressive the way they choreographed all this. Scenes like this are what make me overlook the problems and say, "You know, screw it, I'm having a good time."
(Sparrow opens the chest and looks inside)
NC (vo): (as Sparrow) It's just a note: "My heart was really the friends I made along the way." OH, COME ON!
(Sparrow slams the chest lid shut, while the waterwheel, with Will and Norrington still aboard, crashes into the water)
Norrington: Right!
(They dizzily struggle to shore: Will keeps falling into the water)
NC: Ah, Bloom's one funny scene per movie.
NC (vo): Sparrow puts the heart in the jar of dirt, but Norrington takes it for himself, once again making the jar pointless. But you know what? This stupid scene does make me giggle.
Sparrow: (in a mocking singsong voice to Jones) I got a jar of dirt! I got a jar of dirt! And guess what's inside it!
NC: Um...
(Shows a clip from Spider-Man 3)
Peter Parker: I'm gonna put some dirt in your eye.
NC: I don't know, I just answered one meme with another!
NC (vo): Jones again releases the Kraken, causing Jack to run away.
(Jack rows away from the Black Pearl as the Kraken attacks)
NC (vo): (sarcastic): Great, we got Will and Elizabeth to focus on for a while. Focusing on them is liking being stuck at a party with a person you know, but can't think of anything to talk about to save your life. It's not the worst, but God damn it!
(Jack suddenly returns and fires a shot at a net carrying explosives, blowing it up and wounding the Kraken)
NC (vo): Jack does show up, though, and saves the day, but the movie remembers, oh, yeah, it wants to be Empire Strikes Back, so it decides to leave Jack behind.
(Elizabeth tricks Sparrow by kissing him, while chaining him to the mast)
NC (vo): (as Sparrow) Mmm, later tonight, darling-- Hey!
Elizabeth: It's after you, not the ship.
NC: (confused) He spent...
NC (vo): ...the whole fight on a rowboat, and the Kraken still went after the ship.
NC: But, oh, I can feel...
(Show the end credits on Disney+, with an episode of The Mandalorian cued up)
NC (vo): ...Disney+ is getting recommend something better...
NC: ...so I'll let it slide.
(Elizabeth joins Sparrow's crew on the rowboat as they row away)
Will: Where's Jack?
Elizabeth: He let you stay behind to give us a chance.
NC (vo): (as Sparrow) Need a little help over here! Help! I know you can hear me, you American Horror Story rejects! You can't have this franchise without me! Disney doubled down on that! (shows a news article cancelling Margot Robbie's version of Pirates)
(Jack is swallowed by the Kraken)
NC (vo): Jack is gobbled up, Jones finds he's heartless, and Norrington gives Beckett a powerful weapon.
Beckett: If you intend to claim these, then you must have something to trade.
(Norrington drops a bag containing Davy Jones' heart onto Beckett's desk)
NC (vo): (as Beckett) A penis?
NC (vo): (as Norrington) Okay, I'm done.
(The crew arrives back at Tia Dalma's)
NC (vo): Back at Tia's, though, she says there might be a way to bring Jack to life if they truly want him to return.
Tia: Would you sail to the ends of the Earth and beyond?
Will: Aye.
NC: (confused) Funny, seeing how you...
(Showcases the earlier swordfight)
NC (vo): literally left him to die earlier.
Norrington: (to Will) Do excuse me while I kill the man who ruined my life.
Will: Be my guest.
NC: But you know... No, I don't, actually.
NC (vo): This leaves us on a cliffhanger with the return of a character that legit got a surprise out of me when I first saw it.
(Barbossa, who died at the end of the previous film, arrives in healthy condition)
Barbossa: What's become of my ship?
(He eats an apple, showing that he is very much alive and not curse)
NC (vo): (as Barbossa) Still trying to make apples a thing!
NC: And that was Dead Man's Chest. I know I should know better, but... I still kinda like it.
NC (vo): At it's heart, I think it just wants to be fun, and I think it does have enough of those moments. You have to wait a long time through a lot of pointless filler to get to it, but it does eventually deliver. I do wish they kept more focus and didn't bring back characters or story threads that aren't needed, but the visuals, imagination, and of course humor balance it out enough for me. It's not the greatest of sequels by any means, but it did leave me having just enough of a good time. Far more than what many consider the worst of the Pirate films, and, well, I guess we'll be getting to that one next.
NC: (sighs resignedly) Pirates Month... sadly must continue.
Davy Jones: (audio only) Do you feel death?
NC: I envy it.
Channel Awesome Tagline – Davy Jones: Price? (sputters)