The Cinema Snob: Why, you ask, am I reviewing such a beloved classic as John Waters 1972 trash flick pink flamingos? That's easy.
- Screenshots of RogerEbert.com
Snob (vo): Because Roger Ebert gives it zero stars, and if Ebert gives it zero stars then I shall give it zero stars! Much like Caligula, Mother's Day and Rosen -- huh, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead?!
But, but I liked that movie hmm guess I gotta hate it now but something tells me it won't be too terribly hard for a pretentious dickhead like me to find fault in a movie that opens on a trailer I think this was the alternate opening for twister but we're in good hands here last time I saw a movie that started out on a trailer it was fuckin Jerry Springer: Ringmaster. Already we see where the title comes from a lawn ornament. At least this pink flamingo is funnier than the one from Gnomeo & Juliet. Although I think this plastic chicken is breaking the fourth wall given all the movies I've reviewed on this show I'm actually amazed you can't see the camera crew reflection in this shiny ball. We're introduced immediately to Divine, who was known as the filthiest person alive and third place winner in the Kathleen Turner look-alike contest. Divine lives in said trailer with her son and her mother a woman who spends her time in a crib obsessing over eggs
- Edie: It's 10:30. Babs Babs why isn't the eggman here I'm starving to death with some eggs please Babs come in and give me some eggs cotton cotton Beth don't give me my eggs
- Edie: Oh bad guy slept so well where did you get this training how did you know I love trains
- Oh it's not a train mama it's our new mobile home and I sleep in the other we have our own rooms with time
If I wanted this kind of intelligent conversation I would have gone to my family reunion!
From there we meet Connie Marble, who is like Rocky Horror Columbia crossbred with Jessica Tandy. She and her husband Raymond run an adoption agency which isn't exactly on the up-and-up.
You can eat shit for all I care Miss Anne stone.
you look me up cunt you not a real fucking cunt how can you be so shitting two people how can you stand yourself
I'd wash this movies mouth out with soap but I'd rather give this bar of soap a more dignified death like scrubbing my asshole.
Oh sorry, was the egg lady still talking?
what do you mean Humpty Dumpty was an egg how could a person be an egg cotton how can a person be an egg
Snob: Congratulations. It's the first exploitation film for five-year-olds! This is the movie equivalent of trying to entertain me by dangling keys in front of my face!
Divine goes off to hit the town but first says goodbye to her son Crackers. And there you go, Crackers Phinn. You're no longer the most embarrassing Crackers to be featured on the show. Divine and crackers take off down the road which I guess calls for some surf music?
Look at it this way, Snob: at least it's better than Gummo.
What's that? I can't hear you. Though that's probably a good thing I like this hitchhiker they pass by I can't tell in this shot if he's sticking his thumb out or if he's holding on to that pole with his superhuman strength.
Back at the marbles we get a glimpse of why the two of them are so corrupt.
but first have a seat so I can just briefly recheck your application
Easy movie you're getting way ahead of yourself you didn't even finish that sentence and already I'm subjected to kidnapped women and babies held up in a basement. The Marbles run a service where they impregnate young abducted women and sell their babies to lesbian couples.
- Omar I'm so happy
- and baby if you're happy I'm happy because that's what I'm living for you me and now little noodles
Boy you're naming the kid noodles put the kid back in the basement I think she's better off there.
Thank God, the movie is American Graffiti now!
Well, now I'm confused as to how I should feel about this thing. The movie has a nice solid gold oldies soundtrack.
I should like this thing based on the soundtrack alone!
But I know something nasty is gonna happen any second.
Eh... I can't tell you how many times I've gone out with a girl and found a t-bone between her legs, it happens.
Eventually, the plot starts to set in when Connie marble finds out divine has been given the title of filthiest person alive, so she and her husband decide to challenge her on that. People please you're starring in Pink Flamingos. You're all the filthiest people alive. But every competition is worth trying I guess
Thank God I only had to black box one of those sausages.
The Marbles bring in a ringer to suss out some dirt on Divine and her family, but honestly, do the Marbles really want to make it public that they kidnap women?
- as you know we run a baby ring oh it's really a very simple process we keep two girls at all times who are impregnated by Channing our rather fertile servant we sell the baby to lesbian couples and then we invest the money in various businesses around town
Oh well when you put it like that it still sounds illegal.
The ringer poses is crackers girlfriend and gets to know the family
- here's my grandma eating what
- what's the matter with her
- what's the matter with it hang up the matter with it just my grandma
that's all that's what all thrilling dialogue needs snoring in the background for some reason this lady decides to have sex with crackers and finally I don't have to censor the cock now. for that plot shit what's going on with egg lady
- mr. egg man
the family is visited by the local egg man in a scene that I am sure is central to the story
- I want them all I'll have the brown ones and those great big white ones and I'll have those over there and I want them for frying and for scrambling
if this movie had any less of a point it'd be a sphere!
- miss eighty as long as they're chicken land and truck driving my feet walk and you make sure that I will bring you the finest of the fine the largest of the large and the whitest of white in other words that thin shell ovum of the domestic fowl will never be safe as long as they're a chicken land and I'm alive because I am your egg man and they're in a better one in town
That's every actors dream delivering a speech about eggs with the conviction of William Wallace. seriously I really don't know what to say about a movie that is half sorted lives and a half Blood Sucking Freaks.
Well I do know one thing to say: is there anything else on TV?
At least we do get a sense that these characters truly care for one another even even more than
- I don't shit do I love you baby
careful cuz in this movie you may have to eat those words after a while though things start getting really suspenseful
- but it's a true bed if their work any chickens r1p any eggs is that true I suppose so mama but they will always be chickens you can be sure that but suppose someday inheritance suppose invaded where Kenny chickens open what could I possibly do
this is not the sign of a good exploitation movie if the conversation you're having would make just as much sense if you were talking to Elmo
As a signal that they want to challenge Divine on her filthiness title the Marbles send divine a nice little birthday present oh they got her a DVD of Salò!
- Mama nobody sends you a turd expects a live nobody
Are you hearing the fucking dialogue coming out of your mouth is it making you happy well if so then I'll go ahead and be depressed for you
if there's one thing this 90-minute sleaze fest needs its filler so here's a scene of the Marbles handyman Channing talking to himself in a mirror
- I love you Raymond I love you more than anything in this world I love you more than my own filthiness even more than my own hair color
But the Marbles won't tolerate any mocking
- let me hide me waiting for that's wrong time no Kali no he
Yikes she's gonna slap the fire crotch right out of them I guess this is too much for the couple who kidnap and impregnate women, so they fire Channing.
- we can no longer employ you here at 3,900 and that is obvious
Yes, and make sure you don't tell the cops that we run a completely illegal operation.
- don't try anything funny you'll be right down there with Susie and Linda how would you like that had we known we would have given you a maid uniform to wear instead of a butler's
Raymond Marble is my least favorite Nic Cage character.
things are a bit happier on the divine end as egg lady gets engaged to Captain Stubing and the family all celebrate Divine's birthday.
- happy happy birthday baby
Nice some more classic Goldie's looks like I'm back to liking this movie again...
...and then she eats puke
But now Surfin bird' is playing right now it's getting its mojo back... until the guy's asshole starts singing along with it interesting piece of trivia the actor playing Ace Ventura here chose to leave his name up the credits as not to warrant any embarrassment so it's a good thing that there isn't any other way to identify this actor... like his fucking face!
The marbles catch a glimpse of Divine's party so they report the filthiness to the police thank God they can finally shut down this production they're gonna charge him with first-degree schlock. Or you know, divine and crew can chase them with weapons kill them and then eat their remains.
Forget the filthiest person alive now they're on another list: the FBI's ten most wanted!
Never let cannibalism ruin a good party though so the Eggman and egg lady proceed to marry; I haven't been this moved by nuptials since Tom and Roseanne's wedding. A good thing there's a cameraman here to catch the whole party. huh what the fuck movie you're standing a hundred feet away and you're still casting a shadow? out for revenge divided crackers break into the Marbles house and lick everything they own huh. Great! Revenge so solid they'll never know you did it
- a bedroom there fuck chambers so this is where they make crackers right here on this very bed is where they touch their uninspired little organs together vainly trying to recharge the worn-out battle yourself in it
I know they're so gross right you're gonna fuck your son aren't you
- crap is my only baby crackers found blushing blood my parish fire regime Oh like communion let mama make a gift you know no bargain bag huh
This movie is less dignified is going ass to mouths after a chili cook-off. all right there's kidnapped people in the basement better tend to that divided crackers free the women and allow them to kill chanting yeah you feeling our weight well whichever you prefer
Oh any minute now just give him a sec
The Marbles on the other hand have their own plan which is setting Divine's trailer on fire.
Yeah I don't know doesn't really pack the punch without this music playing behind it.
- The theme to Cannibal Holocaust is added.
- <ama look a smoke oh my god
Oh whoo hold on let's get the award ready because this might be the performance highlight of the movie
Yeah pretty good but not as good as watching a trailer burn. Divine and crew head out to find the Marbles but oh wait we still have to watch the trailer burn. Okay it fell. can we move on? Now guess not sadly this is probably the most entertaining thing in the movie.
The marbles make it back home where...
- we're rejected you something's wrong maybe
the fuck are you whining about?
- nothing can be the matter with that couch we just got it
okay so you're telling me that the saliva from divine is causing the house to go all Evil Dead 2 and shit?
This movie's starting to get a little stupid.
Divine then bursts in and abducts the marbles where they perform a faux trial and execution in front of a local news crew
- their trial will take place in front of your very eyes and their execution will follow we're gonna win is an actual murder
Yes, excellent scoop. You should probably call the cops.
Or just shoot the shit whatever.
- could you give us some of your political beliefs kill everyone now condone first-degree murder advocate catabolism ate shit shelter my politics filth is my life take whatever you like.
Ah, the old Ross Perot platform.
After sitting through the lengthy fake trial we can finally hear the verdict
- the verdict is guilty on all ten counts a first-degree stupidity gentlemen of the press the verdict is death well
Guess that'll probably make Nancy Grace happy.
The marbles are then taken to the woods where they are charred and feathered and then shot point-blank in the head nothing left to do now, but kick back relax and settle in for the movie's epilogue.
- "(How Much is) That Doggie in the Window"? starts playing.
Snob: I love this song! Well, at least the movie's ending on a high note. So let me just pull out my traditional end of movie caramello and take it all in!
- Snob puts the candy in his mouth but refrains from eating as he sees the most infamous scene in the movie: a dog shits and Divine puts that in her mouth. He then takes a healthy bite.
Snob: What? This isn't shit, it's a candy bar. That was shit. Grow up.
Snob (vo): Some more trivia here: in order to get the perfect feces, the dog was fed steak for three days before the shoot. Yeah, because it's that hard to get a dog to shit. This is the worst use of "(How Much is) That Doggie in the Window" since [IMDb page for...] Linda Lovelace's Dog Fucker.
Snob: It's perfectly understandable why Roger Ebert would give this movie zero stars, but the question is: why did he watch it in the first place? In fact, why did I watch it? Why do I watch any of the movies I feature on here when I know what the outcome is gonna be? Guess it really is that funny watching me watch shit eating! *scrubs his teeth*.
Edie: A turd, Mama, a turd!