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Peter Pan (2003)
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Release Date
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November 1, 2023
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Running Time
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23:39
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Previous Review
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Video
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(The Nostalgia Critic title sequence plays.)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Ever since the stage...
(A montage of various adaptations of Peter Pan is shown, including the original play, the 1924 silent film version, the televised version with Mary Martin, and, yes, the classic Disney animated version.)
NC (vo): ...play in 1904, there's been countless versions of Peter Pan. While many people see the Disney one as the definitive version...
(The poster for Peter Pan and Wendy is shown briefly.)
NC (vo; laughs): That's funny.
(The montage continues, showing further adaptations: Hook, Peter Pan and the Pirates, Peter Pan and Wendy, Neverland, Pan, Wendy.)
NC (vo): ...there's been a big push to create the new definitive version.
NC: (pointing to camera) And this... (The poster for the 2003 version of Peter Pan is shown in the corner.) is another attempt!
(The title for Peter Pan is shown, followed by clips of the movie.)
NC (vo): Released in 2003, this version of Peter Pan is one of the most ambitious, but also one of the spazziest. The tone is all over the place; the pacing goes from calm and relaxed to hyperactive in a millisecond; even the effects go from "Hollywood movie" to "game based on the Hollywood movie" pretty quick. The film does try to stand out from the others, though, with some inventive cinematography, unique changes to the story, and a pretty good cast that leaves their impressions on these characters we all know so well. But does that ultimately balance out to a good film or a bad film? Well, we're going to take a look back to see.
NC: Exactly twenty years later, let's take a look back at the boy who didn't grew up... (becomes uncomfortable) unless...
(Cut to a clip of Frailty.)
NC (vo): ...you watched him in Frailty...
(The clip shows a young Adam (played by Jeremy Sumpter, who plays Peter Pan in the 2003 film) killing someone with an axe. Then we cut to a clip of the Disney animated version of Peter Pan.)
Wendy (Kathryn Beaumont): (looking away in horror) Oh, how dreadful!
NC: ...this is Peter Pan.
(The film begins with a message reading: "All children grow up except one".)
NC (vo): The film opens, echoing that thought, reminding us that every child grows up, except one.
NC: Uh, have you seen how YouTubers make a living? (gestures toward himself) We are many!
NC (vo): We see Wendy Darling, played by Rachel Hurd Wood, telling the story of Cinderella, except with a few pirates thrown in.
Wendy: (narrating) Cinderella flew through the air, surrounded by pirates.
(John Darling (Harry Newell) partakes in the story by drawing a toy sword.)
John: (pirate voice) We have come for ye glass slippers!
NC: Christ! (An image of Captain Jack Sparrow standing near the 2015 version of Cinderella appears in the corner.) Why couldn't that be the Disney remakes?!
NC (vo): To give you an idea on the movie's weird pacing, Peter appears literally two minutes in! Hell, two seconds if you count his shadow! And then suddenly it's revealed there's an offscreen narrator – right after a narrative text!
Narrator: The night on which the extraordinary adventure begun was the night Nana barked at the window.
NC: Okay, is that a major complaint? No, but it kind of shows the lack of focus the film has right from the beginning.
(Footage of the Disney film is shown.)
NC (vo): I still remember the way they built up Peter Pan in the Disney version, from the dialogue to his silhouette to that creepy-ass smile that should be a slasher killer mask.
(Cut back to the 2003 film.)
NC (vo): In this one, he's just there. It's little details like that sometimes sucks us out of the excitement of the story.
NC: But with that said, there's little details that help, too.
NC (vo): The effects, for instance, are a perfect example of not looking real, but looking good. It's kind of like (An image of the following is shown...) Sin City. You know it's all green-screened, but the visuals they create are so good, you actually appreciate that they don't look real. (An image of a matte painting used in Mary Poppins is shown in the corner.) They're like matte paintings in older movies; why look realistic when you can create a different world that's practically its own work of art? This film honestly has a very unique visual look.
(Michael pretends to act like an Indian while Nana, playing along, chases after him.)
NC: (shaking head) Cultural appropriation!
NC (vo): Clearly, the way around is to make (An image of the Native Americans from Pan is shown.) the Native Americans every race with very few actual Native Americans in them.
Narrator: Mrs. Darling was the loveliest lady in Bloomsbury...
NC (vo): A lot of narration is taken straight from the book, including J.M. Barrie's very vague redefining of the word "kiss", which, in a more modern movie, could come across as almost eww-y.
Narrator: ...with a sweet, mocking mouth that had one kiss on it that Wendy could never get: perfectly conspicuous in the right-hand corner.
NC: Can't tell if...
(As we cut back to the film, the following phrases pop up, which NC reads, one by one...)
NC (vo): ..."Lesbian Awakening", "Incestual Creepiness", or "Just British People Forgetting Physical Affection's a Thing".
Aunt Millicent (Lynn Redgrave): (pointing at Wendy) Is that a kiss?
NC (vo): Their aunt says Wendy is developing her own kiss, meaning she's either emerging into womanhood or finding true love. With creepy scenes like this, I doubt it's the latter.
(That night, Peter Pan shows up at the Darlings' window and puts his finger on Wendy's mouth. Then we cut to another film of some kind where a man is also reaching his hand out, while smooth jazz music plays in the background. Then cut back to Peter Pan, as the title character is spotted and tries to fly away, but Nana grabs his shadow and pulls it off.)
NC (vo): This once again is Peter, played by Jeremy Sumpter, who accidentally loses his shadow watching Wendy like (An image of the following is inserted...) Denny from The Room. Or maybe it's the fact that the actor couldn't fit through the window because he went through a huge growth spurt during filming, so they had to redesign the window three times during production!
(The next day, at school, Wendy draws a picture of herself meeting Peter in her notebook, but her teacher catches her and brings her stick down on it.)
NC (vo): Wendy draws some Tina Belcher fan art, landing her in trouble...
NC: You see, in the early 1900s, (The drawing is shown in the corner.) this was practically an only-fans account.
NC (vo): ...as we cut to Mr. Darling at work, played by Jason Isaacs, sticking to the tradition of playing both the father and Captain Hook.
(Mr. Darling is shown becoming nervous as he tries to talk to people at his job.)
NC: (folds hands together) One weird change they make, though, is that Mr. Darling is weirdly kind of a wimp.
(Images of early versions of Hook and Mr. Darling are shown.)
NC (vo): It made sense to make the father have a temper so it's easy for the kids to see him as a pirate, but when they return home, they see he wasn't a monster, just an overbearing parent who legit still loved them.
(Cut back to the 2003 film.)
NC (vo): Here, he has to plan out small talk.
(As Mr. Darling approaches his superiors, he actually tries to recite his small talk to himself in preparation.)
NC (vo): He only gets angry when the kids accidentally ruin his attempt at small talk with the boss, resulting in him giving the blowup we'd expect in the story.
(That night, the family watches as Mr. Darling reprimands Nana in the yard outside her doghouse.)
Mr. Darling: This is not a nurse! This...is a dog!
NC (vo): But that's not his personality most of the time. The kids aren't intimidated by him, so it seems strange to also make him Hook. Hell, it'd almost make more sense to make the aunt Captain Hook, as she seems like more of a threat to the kids.
NC: But the flip of that is, (Isaacs as Mr. Darling and Hook are shown to opposite ends of NC.) I really don't see this same actor in these two parts.
NC (vo): He [Isaacs] really does seem like an entirely different person as Mr. Darling than as Captain Hook, allowing him to really show off his acting chops, so again, there are some advantages to this.
Mr. Darling: (to Wendy, sternly) It's time for you to grow up!
NC (vo): He says Wendy has to live with her aunt in order to properly grow up and that the kids should no longer have a dog as a nanny. And I have to admit, I love him stripping Nana of her uniform.
(Scowling at Nana, Mr. Darling removes her white cap from her head. The dog whimpers, while the family looks on from the second-story window. Mrs. Darling gasps in horror. Cut to a clip of Mary Poppins, showing George Banks being stripped of his position as banker. One of the other bankers stand up, thinking they might be going a little too far.)
Banker 1: No, not that!
Banker 2: Steady on.
(Cut back to Peter Pan.)
NC (vo): There is a nice speech Mrs. Darling gives about their father sacrificing his dreams for his family.
Mrs. Darling (Olivia Williams): He's put away many dreams. He put them in a drawer. But it gets harder and harder to close the drawer.
(As we cut back to NC, an image of a set of drawers stuffed with papers is shown in the corner.)
NC: (as Mrs. Darling) So many rejection letters to be a pole dancer.
NC (vo): And the two of them go out while the aunt looks after the children.
(While reading a book, the aunt notices the pendulum on a clock has stopped moving.)
NC (vo; as aunt): Oh, great, Pazuzu is probably possessing one of the kids. (normal) The fairy Tinker Bell enters the room, looking like (An image of the following is shown in the corner...) Shelly Duvall for a second, and Peter follows shortly after, trying to get his shadow back. The scene of the shadow pretending to belong to the aunt is also a nice touch.
NC: Thank God boy shadows always carry drag wigs with them.
NC (vo): Wendy and Peter finally meet, and both these actors really work well off each other, creating some believable chemistry.
Wendy: What is your name?
Peter: Peter...Pan.
Wendy: Where do you live?
NC (vo; as Peter): In a place that gives me no British accents like yours. (normal) Yeah, I don't know why that never bothers in most versions.
Peter: Oh, the cleverness of me!
Wendy: Of course, I did nothing.
Peter: All right, you did a little.
NC (vo): Sumpter plays confidently and patient and energetically confused very well, knowing he wants to impress Wendy, but not really sure why.
Wendy: I should like to give you...a kiss. (Peter reaches his hand out to her, which confuses her.) Don't you know what a kiss is?
NC: (as Wendy) It can range from a trinket to weird googly eyes you give your mother's mouth.
(Peter goes over to where Tinker Bell is hiding.)
Peter: There's a Tink.
Wendy: Tink?
Peter: She's my fairy.
Wendy: There's no such thing as–
(Before she can finish, however, Peter flies over to Wendy and covers her mouth with his hand.)
Peter: Don't...say that.
NC: (wide-eyed) This is gonna end with somebody's blood on the wall!
NC (vo): Tinker Bell of course is jealous of Wendy and tries to stop her when she tries to give Peter a, quote, "thimble", which, of course, is a real kiss.
(Tinker Bell growls at Peter and Wendy and pulls on her own hair, leaning over to the side.)
Peter: (to Wendy about Tink) She's not very polite. She says if you try to give me a thimble again...
NC (vo; as Peter): ...she'll piss all over your bed with her fairy dick.
NC: Whoa! I'm discovering a lot about you, Tink!
NC (vo): Michael and John wake up, and he of course teaches them that with pixie dust and a happy thought, they can fly to Neverland.
Peter: (whispering in Wendy's ear) Forget them all. Come with me, and we'll never, never have to worry about grown-up things again.
NC: (visibly uncomfortable) Man, for a kid who doesn't grow up, he's acting like something is growing in his Jolly Green Giant tights!
NC (vo): Nana gets the parents' attention by using the same weird closeup as before...because it was so well-composed, it had to be used again? And they rush home to find their children gone. They fly their way into the Jimmy Neutron movie and make their way to Neverland...slash... (The title for The Secret of Monkey Island is shown in the upper-left corner.) maybe Monkey Island. Again, I don't care, these visuals look awesome.
(As everyone arrives in Neverland, a huge sunburst appears in the sky.)
NC (vo): The weather calls for a heavy chance of God today.
(The camera then settles on Captain Hook's pirate ship, which is frozen and stuck in ice, the surface of which is cracking around them.)
NC (vo): We're then introduced to the pirates, who are stuck in the cold.
(A parrot emerges from inside the ship, walking stiffly, presumably due to how cold it is. It has a peg leg.)
NC (vo): Okay...
NC: (shakes head) ...I'm sorry. I'm gonna like a Peter Pan movie where (The parrot appears in the upper-left corner and NC points to it.) that's the first pirate you see.
(Inside Hook's cabin, his loyal first mate, Mr. Smee (Richard Briers), walks up to Hook, who is sleeping with his face down on a table. He takes out a pocket watch and places it on Hook's table.)
Smee: Spring's not due till 3:00 PM, and until–
(He doesn't get to finish, however, as Hook slams his hook down on the watch, smashing it to bits.)
NC (vo; as Hook): Never interrupt my sleeping by vibrator candlelight.
Hook (Jason Isaacs): (looking up) I was dreaming, Smee.
NC (vo): This is naturally Captain Hook, who Isaacs plays as a bipolar drunk, and...by God, it kind of works.
Hook: He [Peter Pan] threw my hand to a crocodile. The beast liked it so much, it's followed me ever since.
NC: (as Hook) The beast of course being alcoholism. I've made it to my thirteenth step, though: relapse.
NC (vo): Peter and the gang hide out in Care-a-Lot as the pirates spot them and try to take them down.
Peter: Tink, find Wendy.
NC (vo): Peter tells Tink to take everyone to the Lost Boys, but she tells them that Wendy is a bird that needs to be shot down.
Tootles (Rupert Simonian): Tink says the birds called her..."Wendy".
(Cut to a clip of an episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.)
Dennis (Glenn Howerton): We call her a bird! We also call her a bird.
(Cut back to Peter Pan.)
Slightly (Theodore Chester): Shoot the Wendy bird! (The Lost Boys arm their bows with arrows.) Ready...!
(Wendy flies in, but becomes terrified when she sees what's going on.)
Slightly: Aim...!
(Tink flies around in several small circles, creating a target image with her pixie dust.)
NC: The best Peter Pan stories always have some bit of dark humor in them.
NC (vo): They find out, of course, it's not a bird, and Peter's dismayed to find Wendy shot dead.
Slightly: Tragic.
Curly (George MacKay): Awful.
Nibs (Harry Eden): Good shot, though.
NC: (snorts) I swear, that's only (holds up two fingers) the second time I'm only gonna say, "That's a good dark joke"!
NC (vo): It's also pretty sick that not only is Tinker Bell with Wendy getting killed, but also the boy that shot her.
Peter: (taking the arrow that hit Wendy) Whose arrow?
(Tootles, feeling embarrassed, stands up and pulls down on his shirt as Peter aims his dagger at him.)
Tootles: Strike, Peter. Strike true.
(Tinker Bell, watching from a distance, pretends to look away, cringing.)
NC: (as Tink) Well, that's a shame, but I got to build up to the moment...
(Cut to a clip of Hook, showing Tinker Bell (Julia Roberts) growing big to kiss Peter Pan (Robin Williams) before shrinking back down to pixie size again.)
NC (vo): ...where I become big, get blue balls, and then shrink back down. If two kids gotta die, so be it!
(Cut back to the 2003 film, as Wendy comes to.)
NC (vo): Wendy lives, though, as the trinket Peter gave her protects her from the arrow. When Peter finds out Tink is to blame, he banishes her and makes a house around Wendy. 'Cause, you know, when guys don't want to confront emotions, we just build stuff.
Slightly: For you, we built this house.
(The Lost Boys all get on their knees.)
Lost Boys: Please be our mother!
NC: Whew! (An image of Sigmund Freud appears in the corner.) Freud's watching this right now, saying, "Come on, prove me wrong a little!"
(From inside her house, Wendy hears Peter speaking to the Lost Boys about what Wendy should do now that she's a mother to them.)
Peter: We must spank the children immediately before they try to kill you again. In fact, we should kill them.
(With a yell, Peter turns and chases after the Lost Boys with a sword, much to Wendy's horror.)
NC: Whoops!
(NC looks through a script while the poster for The Lost Boys appears in the upper-left corner.)
NC (vo): The script from another Peter Pan property slipped in there.
Wendy: (realizing something) Michael... John... My brothers!
NC (vo): They forget for a moment that John and Michael are gone and...
NC: (hesitates slightly) For that matter, so do we.
NC (vo): Okay, I like the focus is on Peter and Wendy, as that is technically the name of the book, but Michael and John are really forgettable in this. I don't think it's the actors' fault; they're just not given much to do. Just giving John glasses doesn't suddenly mean, "and he's the smart one."
(John and Michael get caught in rope traps that causes them to hang upside-down from trees. They had been captured by the Indians.)
NC (vo): They run into Tiger Lily, who runs into pirates, who all run into each other.
Captain Hook: (holding up his hook menacingly to Tiger Lily) Princess...
John: (hanging upside-down) I say! Unhand that savage, you...you savage!
NC: That is such an offensive term. (An image of Pocahontas appears in the upper-right corner.) Clearly, we need a very historically accurate musical to show us the way.
(On that note, we go to a commercial break. Upon return from the break, the movie resumes.)
NC (vo): Peter and Wendy go to the mermaids to see if they know where John and Michael are, who are more (An image of The Ring is shown.) the Ring girl if they spoke (The poster for The Gods Must Be Crazy is shown.) Gods Must Be Crazy-ese.
(The rather creepy-looking mermaids swim up to Peter and Wendy. One of them slowly reaches her hand out to take Wendy's. She stares at it, slowly smiling.)
NC: (as Wendy) Well, if there's anything (The earlier clip of the pirates trying to shoot Peter and the Darlings out of the sky with cannonfire is shown in the corner.) literally the first people I met taught me, it's trust everybody here.
NC (vo): They're told Hook has her brothers at Castle Grayskull, where they plan to drown them to lure out Peter. Wendy lures Hook out, though, as Peter imitates his voice to demand his friends be set free. Isaac's reaction here is hilariously confused.
Hook: Where are the children?
Smee: We let them go.
Hook: (stunned) You what?
Smee: We let them go.
(A confused Hook advances slowly toward Smee.)
NC: (as Hook) And what part of your ass would you like to eat for your last meal?
NC (vo): Pan reveals himself, and they have a big duel.
(One of the pirates confronts Wendy, but she matches swords with him herself.)
NC (vo): We discover Wendy's play-sword-fighting is, I guess, as on-point as a pirate sword-fighting. And also, relationships move really fast in Neverland.
(John knocks another pirate into the water. Tiger Lily, impressed, grabs John to give him a big kiss. John and Michael react in total surprise.)
NC: (as John) Now you're pregnant! (The sound of screaming is heard as NC holds up both hands.) Don't look at me; Neverland rules! (shakes head)
Hook: (having Peter where he wants him) You shall die.
Peter: To die...would be an awfully big adventure.
NC: Well, the box office disagrees.
(As he says, the film's budget of $130 million is displayed, against its box office performance of $122 million.)
NC (vo): The crocodile wanders in, though, scaring the pirates off and allowing the kids to escape. Tiger Lily's tribe celebrates her safe return as Peter and Wendy get some alone time.
(As various fairies fly into a tree, Peter and Wendy look in, smiling creepily.)
NC (vo; as Wendy): Ew! It's a fairy orgy! I didn't know their wings could fit in there!
(As fairies fly around them, Peter takes Wendy in his arms, and they dance together in midair.)
NC (vo): But Hook almost randomly eavesdrops on them, along with Tinker Bell.
Hook: (watching Peter dance with Wendy) He has found himself a...Wendy, and Hook is all alone.
NC: (confused) Did they both think they were gonna end up with him? What's going on?
Peter: Wendy...it's only make believe, isn't it?
(As we cut back to NC, an image of Galadriel from Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring is shown in the upper-left corner, while another image of Wendy from this movie is shown in the upper-right corner.)
NC: (as Peter) That's why we have these purple Fellowship of the Ring filters.
NC (vo): Again, these two have a very convincing chemistry, with both of them trying to figure out the feelings they have for each other. The only difference is, Wendy is more accepting of them, and Peter is more in denial of them.
Peter: Why do you spoil everything? We have fun, don't we? I taught you to fight and to fly! What more could there be?
NC: (as Wendy) I don't know, but I think it has this music... (Smooth bass and bongo drum music are heard briefly.)
NC (vo): They add a moment I don't usually see in Peter Pan, but I really like where Peter goes back to the Darling house to see how much Wendy's parents miss their children. But Peter doesn't want to share them.
(Peter closes the window, but Mr. and Mrs. Darling struggle to open it again.)
Mrs. Darling: (to her husband) I know it's closed! It must always be open! Always, always!
(Peter tries in vain to keep the window closed, but it's too much for him, and the window flies open, sending him flying away.)
NC (vo): I like dramatic moments in kids' films that remind you of parents' fear of losing their kids can be very terrifying. I also think it's possible Peter might be jealous 'cause he abandoned his parents that may or may not feel the same way about him. For all the bizarre moments and editing choices, scenes like this do add a needed gravity to the film.
(Back in Neverland, Tinker Bell flies over to Wendy's new home, revealing it to the pirates, who sneak up on it. All the while, Wendy is asleep inside, unaware of what's going on.)
NC (vo): The pirates move Wendy's house to his ship, which I love she never wakes up through, and Hook tries to show he's not so blood-hungry.
Hook: Growing up is such a barbarous business.
Wendy: Things were simpler when I was younger.
NC: (as Wendy) Middle-middle-middle-middle-middle age is not everything it's cracked up to be.
Hook: Didst thou ever want to be...a pirate?
Wendy: (intrigued) I once thought of calling myself "Red-Handed Jill".
NC: (shrugs) Okay, that's actually a really good name.
NC (vo): It sounds like the daughter of a Muppet...
(Cut to a shot of Tim Curry as Long John Silver in Muppet Treasure Island.)
NC (vo): ...that banged Tim Curry in Muppet Treasure Island.
Hook: What a marvelous name! (Smee golf-claps off to the side.) That's what we'll call you if you join us.
NC (vo): Hook asks Wendy to think over his offer while his men return her.
Hook: None of my crew will follow you. My new obsession...is you.
NC: Dude, even (An image of the Child Catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang appears in the upper-right corner.) the Child Catcher would be like, "I don't know about you!"
NC (vo): Wendy is returned home as the boys hear Hook has a new pirate named Red-Handed Jill, which they think they can take on easily.
Peter: I shall run her through!
Wendy: (taking her sword, ready to challenge him) Then ready yourself, Peter Pan.
NC: How'd she do that, where she's saying the name "Peter Pan", but it sounds like she's saying the word "bitch"?
John: I've forgotten...my parents.
NC (vo): She convinces Michael and John to come home before their memories of it completely disappear.
Peter: I have arranged a fairy guide to lead you back.
NC: (as Peter, as the Uber logo appears in the corner, with an F added to it) I've arranged it on Fuber.
NC (vo): Peter refuses to go with as Wendy tries to make him face reality.
Peter: I want always to be a boy and have fun.
Wendy: I think that is your biggest pretend.
NC: Again, there are so many workarounds with this problem. (shakes head)
NC (vo): Wendy leaves the hideout, finding the pirates waiting and capturing them all, except for Peter, who Hook can't reach because, well, he's a grown-up.
(Undaunted, Hook takes out a vial with a skull-shaped cap on it. It contains red liquid.)
Narrator: Lest he should be taken alive, Hook always carried a poison.
NC: Am I the only one who thinks the narrator sounds like the audio descriptions most movies have.
(Hook pours a single drop of poison into Peter's drink, which was given to him by Wendy.)
NC (vo; as narrator): Hook pours Starbucks refresher into Peter's drink. Tinker Bell sacrifices herself by drinking it, as everybody knows Starbucks beverages cause immediate diabetic comas.
Peter: (to Tink, about to cry) I'm so sorry, Tink. Please forgive me.
NC (vo): As I mentioned, Tink does sacrifice herself when Peter won't listen, and in a clever workaround from getting the audience to chant they believe in fairies, he asks everybody in the movie to chant it.
(We are shown a montage of people in London, mostly children asleep in bed, doing just that.)
Girl in bed: (in her sleep) I do believe in fairies...
(We then see three children, two boys and a girl, also in bed.)
Boy in bed: (in his sleep) I do...
Girl in bed: (in her sleep) I do...
(Then we cut to Mr. Darling in a board meeting.)
Mr. Darling: I do believe in fairies. I do! I do!
(The board of directors stare at him in confusion.)
NC: Admittedly, I think this would have worked better if everybody in the real world was asleep.
NC (vo): Since Neverland is the world of dreams, I would believe this somehow worked its way into people's dreams. But some of the grown-ups being awake is a little much.
(The scene of Mr. Darling at the board room is shown again.)
Mr. Darling: I do believe in fairies. I do! I do!
(The board of directors stare at him in confusion.)
NC: (as Mr. Darling) Oh, excuse me, I was having a premonition where another me was trying to seduce and kill my own daughter! (makes a writing motion) I will write my own pink slip.
NC (vo): Tink, of course, comes back to life, and they fly towards the ship to save the day, just as Wendy tries to distract them by telling a story.
Pirate: Was one of them pirates called Noodler?
Wendy: Yes.
Pirate: (to Hook) Captain, oy, I'm in a story–
(Hook fires a shot from his pistol at the pirate speaking, killing him.)
NC: (shakes head) That dude only got two lines, but screw it, he's my favorite pirate. (beat) Except...
(The camera zooms in on another pirate, who looks like he's blind as he wears dark glasses.)
NC (vo): ...maybe that guy; what the hell's his story?
Hook: How about if his Wendy...WALKS THE PLANK?! (The pirates all cheer.)
NC (vo): They make Wendy walk the plank, but Peter, of course, saves her just in time.
(In the process, Peter knocks one of Hook's crew into the water. As he falls past everyone, the pirate lets loose with the Wilhelm Scream before hitting the water with a splash. Hook is outraged.)
NC: (as Hook) How dare you Wilhelm my men!
NC (vo): They have a big fight with Wendy and the Lost Boys joining in, but Hook gets the fairy dust and takes to the air.
(Peter is shocked to see Hook flying up to him to fight.)
Hook: It's Hook! He flies!
(As we cut back to NC, an image of a character from Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker appears in the corner.)
NC: He flies now!
NC (vo): Hook tries to bring Peter down to...bring Peter down, and they have a pretty fun time with the lighting as Pan's happy thoughts vanish the more he thinks about Wendy leaving him.
(The pirates overwhelm the heroes again and hold them hostage, forcing them to watch as Hook, having filled Peter's mind with unhappy thoughts, rendering him unable to fly, has him right where he wants him.)
Hook: You will die...alone...and unloved.
NC: But don't you know, Peter? Your friends were the Wendys we made along the way...or something like that.
NC (vo): Wendy confesses that even though she has to grow up, she still cares about him, which gives him all the happy thoughts he needs in the world.
(Filled with renewed optimism, Peter takes to the air once again. Hook is outraged at this turn of events, his victory having been denied.)
NC: My God! If someone told me nookie was a thing, I would have grown up a long time ago!
NC (vo): Peter defeats Hook and tosses him to the croc. The next stop is London, as they call all the fairies to lift the ship in the air in yet another series of beautiful imagery.
(The ship flies past a series of clock towers, one of which tolls the hour.)
NC (vo): Oh, it's "you-can-finally-take-your-kid-to-the-theater-bathroom" o'clock.
(The Darling children return home. Their mother hugs them happily.)
NC (vo): They return home, much to the joy of their mother and... (sighs) attempting-to-be-proper father.
Mr. Darling: (reaching his hand out to John) Well done. (John takes his father's hand to shake it.)
NC: Okay, even as proper British stereotypes go, even the bad guy from...
NC (vo): ...Moulin Rouge is saying, (as Duke of Monroth, as a shot of him appears in the corner...) "Tea and crumpets, take it down a notch!"
(Mr. Darling can hardly contain his own joy at his children being home and hugs John.)
Mr. Darling: Oh, my angel! (gestures Michael over to hug him as well, which he does)
NC (vo): He does eventually open up, and again, it's a touching moment, as it looks like the Lost Boys as well are looking for a home.
Wendy: (to her parents) I'd like to introduce the Lost Boys. May I keep them?
(The parents stare in awkward silence, not knowing what to do at first.)
NC: (as Mr. Darling) Christ, how did we go from missing three children to gaining nine?
NC (vo): But by a rather amazing coincidence, one of the Lost Boys' actual mother happens to be the aunt.
Aunt Millicent: (to one of the Lost Boys) Is your name...Slightly?
Slightly: Yes.
(Off to the side, Tinker Bell throws a bit of pixie dust at the aunt's head.)
Ryu (audio from Street Fighter): Hadouken!
Millicent: Then I am your mother.
Slightly: How do you know?
Millicent: I feel it in my bones.
NC: It's Dark Knight Rises logic: if you just kind of get a vibe, it's facts.
NC (vo): Peter still stays distant, but vows to return to see Wendy grow up.
Wendy: (seeing Peter at the window) You won't forget me, will you?
Peter: Forget? Never.
NC (vo; as Peter): Take care, Elizabeth. (as Wendy) Wendy! (as Peter) I know, Vanessa.
(Peter and Tinker Bell then fly off into the night sky, with only Nana watching, ending the movie.)
NC: And that was Peter Pan. It's... (pauses awkwardly) almost good?
(Footage of the film plays out one more time as NC gives his final thoughts on it.)
NC (vo): I think the biggest problem is, the editing. It feels like there's another fifteen or twenty minutes missing. I feel like that would help out a lot more of the awkward or rushed moments. But it is visually dazzling, despite its often cheap-looking effects. It is refreshing to hear so much of the original text in the big screen version. And the chemistry between Peter and Wendy is still very strong. You feel this compassion and need to understand each other, as they're both struggling with what it means to grow up and carry more responsibility, and each shows that in their performance. In fact, most of the performances are pretty solid. So yeah, I don't know if it works all the way for adults, but I think kids growing up with it will like it fine enough. Not flawless, but still has a fair amount of happy thoughts.
NC: (resignedly) Unlike... (sighs) some other retelling of fairy tales. I'm the Nostalgia Critic, and... I'll see you at the next one.
(He gets up from his chair and leaves, just as the poster for the Disney's live-action remake of The Little Mermaid pops up for a split second before cutting to black like usual.)
Channel Awesome Tagline – Hook: ...and Hook is all alone.
(The credits roll.)