Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief

Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief
Released	June 26, 2019
Running Time	36:23
Previous Review	Barney's Great Adventure
Next Review	Constantine
Link	http://channelawesome.com/percy-jackson-and-the-lightning-thief-nostalgia-critic/

(The Channel Awesome logo and the intro play. Open on NC sitting at his desk, looking quizzically at a binder. Malcolm enters the room)

Malcolm: Critic?

NC: Yeah?

Malcolm: (gesturing out with his thumb) Could you tell me what's with the sign on our front door?

NC: What sign?

(Malcolm holds up a sign reading "NC's School For Wowed Youngsters")

NC: What sign?

(Getting frustrated, Malcolm points to the sign)

NC: You mean the one at the end of your finger?

Malcolm: Yes, the one at the end of my finger.

NC: Well, tell me, Mr. Malcolm, why do people watch sci-fi and fantasy films?

Malcolm: To experience new worlds, creatures and ideas?

NC: Exactly, and what's the best way to make people feel like they're experiencing that?

Malcolm: Write interesting characters to draw them in?

NC: Nope, write boring, blank slates who go "Wow!" to everything.

Malcolm: That... doesn't sound right.

NC: (getting up from his seat and walking up to Malcolm) Malcolm, of course that doesn't sound right, but for some reason, young people never get tired of it.

(He puts his arm around Malcolm's shoulder and walks out of the room with him and down the hall)

NC: You see, there's a very distinct formula to this: young person feels like outcast; supernatural threat comes along; supernatural hero comes along to help save and teach the young person that...

Malcolm: Let me guess: that what makes them an outcast is what ultimately will help them save the day?

NC: Exactly! You know the drill.

Malcolm: But don't you think people are sick to death of that by now?

NC: One would think, but it's still going strong: Darkest Minds, Wrinkle in Time, Jupiter Ascending, Tim Burton movie you forgot you saw.

Malcolm: But why can't the young person be a little more deep or complex?

NC: Because then the viewer can't imagine themselves as that young person.

Malcolm: I don't think I follow this at all.

NC: Watch and learn, my friend. (turns, walks toward the main office, then speaks in the style of a drill sergeant) New recruits! Ho!

(In the main room, four people are seen: Harry Potter (Tamara), Eragon (Jim), Jubilee (Aiyanna) and Neo (Walter). They were all talking among themselves, but when NC addresses them, they all stand at attention in military drill fashion)

NC: Name, franchise!

Neo: Neo, The Matrix!

Jubilee: Jubilee, X-Men!

Eragon: Eragon, "Inheritance Cycle"!

Harry: Harry Potter, "Harry... (hesitates slightly) Potter"...

NC: Oh, we like saying our names twice, Stutter Potter?!

Harry: No, sir!

NC: Right! (walks up to them and paces in front of them in military fashion) Now, I know some people who think you should be written deep and complex, (Malcolm rolls his eyes at this) but that's not how we do things here, is it?

Everyone: Sir, no, sir!

NC: No, you are to be average, common, so when the actual cool things arrive, you'll look a lot more cool by comparison.

Neo: But how can we do that when we're such outcasts?

Eragon: Yeah, we're just beautiful people with incredible unique talents. We'll never fit in!

NC: (pointing) That's the kind of angst audiences want to tap into! (Malcolm stares, wide-eyed) Anywhere else, you'd be the coolest person around! But you still have to be misunderstood (Jubilee nods with a suggestive smile) to tap into the viewers' insecurities. (turns to Harry Potter) Stutter Potter, what's your catchphrase?

Harry: (startled) I don't have one!

NC: (mockingly) "I don't have one! I don't have one! I don't have one!" How can you expect to reflect the audience when you have nothing kind of cool to say?!

Harry: Oh, I'm so sorry! I'll try to come up with something really cool!

(NC leans in and gently slaps Harry's face around)

NC: I didn't say "really cool", I said "kind of cool!" The really cool stuff is gonna be the weird things you come across later, and you do not want to upstage them! (looks toward Neo) Neo, what's your catchphrase?

Neo: (clears throat) Whoa...

NC: (back to Harry) You see, any impressionable high schooler can remember that. (Neo smiles) And sometimes, we really want to show our cards as to how hard we want to hit a demographic! (looks toward Jubilee) Jubilee, show them how it's done!

Jubilee: Does a mall babe eat chili fries?

NC: "Does a mall babe eat chili fries?" "Does a mall babe eat chili fries?" That's the kind of pandering we're looking to utilize here! Learn from Jubilee! With that kind of bland dialogue, she's sure to be nobody's favorite character!

(Jubilee nods towards an embarrassed Harry)

NC: Now, you will be the most lazy, run-of-the-mill protagonists so you can make your lazy, run-of-the-mill fantasy world seem all the more whimsical!

Harry: (nervously) H-How?

NC: Give me twenty laps, Potter!

Harry: I-I...

NC: (sharply leaning right in Harry's face, roaring) TWENTY LAAAAAAAAAPS!!!

(Terrified, Harry runs off as NC turns back to everyone else)

NC: ...by watching Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief.

(The title for this movie is shown, followed by footage)

NC (vo): The 2010 film based on the young adult series was not a huge hit domestically, but in the foreign market, it brought in a pretty penny. While I can't speak for the book series, it is very clear that the movie was trying to cash in on the wide-eyed youth being tossed into a whimsical world of both wonder and threat. The downside is, while many movies have used this formula to death, they often add something to make it more enjoyably unique. This, even despite having Sorcerer's Stone director Chris Columbus, feels like...

(A shot of a generic coloring book about fairies and princesses is shown)

NC (vo): ...a dollar store coloring book...

(The image changes to that of another coloring book, this one showing the Disney Princesses)

NC (vo): ...trying to be a popular thing...

(The image disappears)

NC (vo): ...but is flat as the toilet paper it's printed on. It uses the same formula a lot of movies of its kind do, with little charm or variation added to it. Thus, we're gonna break down this formula, because if they can make a profit with such tired storytelling cliches, why can't we?

(NC sits down on his black couch in the newer location)

NC: So, I trust you're taking notes on how to bang these movies out as quickly as possible?

(Neo, Eragon and Jubilee are all seated on another couch, taking notes in notebooks; Eragon looks over briefly into Neo's notebook)

NC: (smiles) This is–

(He is then interrupted as Harry Potter returns, gasping for breath)

Harry: I just did twenty laps around the building.

NC: Jubilee?

Jubilee: He means twenty laps around the neighborhood property line.

Harry: (gasping) What?! He didn't make me do that before!

Jubilee: No, I just know what he means.

NC: Good instincts, Jubilee.

(He turns sharply to Harry, who groans and leaves)

NC: (turning back to camera) This is Percy Jackson.

(The film opens with Poseidon, played by Kevin McKidd, climbing out of the water in New York City)

NC (vo): We open with the Jolly Green Aquaman coming out of the sea and taking to the streets. I can already see how the gods have kept themselves a secret for so long.

(Poseidon transforms from his godlike appearances into the appearance of an normal man)

NC: (pointing) Hey, cool!

NC (vo): Poseidon's powers include windbreaker manufacturing.

NC: That'll be fun to explore!

(Poseidon meets Zeus, played by Sean Bean)

NC (vo): He talks with Zeus, though seeing how he's played by Sean Bean, he should probably be the God of Death, (The famous picture of Boromir from Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring is shown with the meme caption: "Sean Bean Does Not Simply Survive in a Movie") as we partake in the first of our Wowed Youngsters cliches: (whispers as the shots from Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, X-Men (2000) and Jupiter Ascending appear) secret important talks before the main character's introduced!

Zeus: No lightning. Stolen.

NC (vo): Apparently, Zeus' lightning has been stolen, and he thinks Poseidon's son is the culprit

Zeus: If your son is the thief...I will send him to the depths of Tartarus. (Poseidon angrily grabs Zeus by the chest)

NC: You know, it's a shame the gods decided not to be a part of our world for no reason. We could have shown them...

NC (vo): ...security cameras, alarm systems, things that could prove who really committed a crime instead just flat-out guessing.

Eragon: But wouldn't the reveal of their secret world would be less...wow-ish?

Neo: Whoa-ish, even.

NC: Yes, indeed, Eragon. Logic can be cast aside if tropes we've seen a million times can be exploited.

Neo: (cheerfully pats Eragon on the shoulder) Nice one, bro.

(Both nod, smiling, but then get startled upon seeing that Jubilee is giving them a stare)

NC (vo): Zeus says Poseidon has 14 days to return what he's stolen, or there will be war.

NC: Hey, remember when Earth went two weeks without lightning and nobody noticed? Fun times.

(We cut to the 16-year-old Percy Jackson holding his breath inside a pool at the gym class. He's accompanied by his best friend Grover Underwood, who has to move using crutches)

NC (vo): As the credits roll, we see Percy Jackson, played by Logan Lerman, holding his breath for seven minutes, while his best friend Grover, played by Brandon T. Jackson, cheers him on.

(Percy and Grover walk to another class)

Percy: I wish I could spend all day on the water instead of this place.

Grover: Right. It's like high school without the musical.

NC: (smiles) That's our kids' talk.

Grover: It's like high school without the musical.

NC: So...high school. Which it's not...like, it is...no part of that analogy adds up!

(At the English lesson, Percy starts suffering from dyslexia, as the letters of a quote written on a board change their positions)

NC (vo): Percy has trouble reading in class, so his doctor diagnoses him with dyslexia. (Beat) It's funny. I have slight dyslexia, which means I see words and sentences in the wrong place. I've yet to hear one where the letters do a chorus line like (clip of...) Dick Van Dyke's credit at the end of Mary Poppins.

NC: An eye doctor might ask a few follow-up questions hearing that.

(Percy's house is shown, with the camera pulling up to the third floor)

Percy: (heard from inside) Hey, Mom, I've home.

Sally (Catherine Keener): (heard from inside) I'm up here, honey.

NC: (confused) Does she own that whole building?

NC (vo): In New York, a box is a million dollars rent. How is she "up here, honey" in this building? Were the hallway doors open so he could hear her on the third floor? And why wouldn't she be up there if they didn't live on that floor? (As Sally is first shown, a photo of a rich man appears on the right) Damn, I don't know what prince you're ironing clothes for, but he gives you good tips!