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Pearl Harbor
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Released
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February 19, 2013
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Running time
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41:12
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Link
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(We start our episode at an apartment in Hollywood, 1990. A blonde guy's (Jim Jarosz) standing on his feet rolling his eyes back, holding a power drill which he revs up after a bit)
Director (played by Doug): And cut. (The blonde guy puts the drill down) Very nice work there, people. Very nice work, indeed.
(A pop is heard as a blonde girl, played by Dayna Munday, comes out from under)
Girl: Oh, thank you so much. Your advice is very helpful.
Director: Well, it's like I tell every adult movie star: If you're going to suck, suck all the way.
Guy: It's an honor working with you, sir. I've never seen such brilliant direction.
Director: Well, what can I say? I know how to keep 'em coming. (Pun intended)
(The director walks off the set)
Girl: Who was that ingeniously perverted man?
Guy: That was Michael Bay. The most brilliant porn director the world has ever known.
(The two look up to their left in reverence for Bay. Meanwhile, Bay's phone rings)
Bay: Hello?
Peter (played by Orlando Belise, Jr.): Hey Michael, it's Peter.
Bay: Peter! So, good news?
Peter: Good news, buddy. We decided to let you direct Bad Boys. If all goes well, we might have few other films lined up for you, too. They see potential in you, kid. Keep it up. You might just be one of the biggest action directors of all time.
Bay: Oh. Well, that's great, Peter. That's great.
Peter: Well, what's the matter? I thought you'd be more excited.
Bay: Oh, oh, I am, Peter, I am. But, uh...I just don't know if I always want to be associated with action.
Peter: Well, what did you have in mind?
Bay: Well, I always wanted to do...a romance. (and the music swells at that statement)
(Now we get to the opening for the Nostalgia Critic!)
Nostalgia Critic: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. (violin music plays in the background) Years ago, a disaster fell upon this nation. A horrible tragedy that left good people and their families scarred for life. And while many weren't there to witness it, this attack on the public left several poor souls confused and afraid. And I think we can all agree it's a bombing that we'll never forget and we'll hold deep within our hearts--Okay you know the punchline. It's Pearl Harbor the movie, not the actual event.
(Clips of the movie play)
NC (vo): Some of you may find it kind of cold of me to make a joke around that, but if Michael Bay can make up insulting shit about Pearl Harbor, well then so can I. This dumbass flick tried to cash in on the romantic historical fiction based around a...tragedy genre.
NC: Which, sad to say is quite a popular genre. (posters for Enemy at the Gates, Hindenberg, Titanic and Pearl Harbor are shown)
NC (vo): It's an obvious studio choice to try and get out a butch version of Titanic. Because hey, if the highest grossing film of that time got it's profit from teary eyed women, naturally we can make more marketing to testosterone filled man penis. The problem is it's over three hours long, has no action until the middle and is under the misconception that Ben Affleck is likeable.
NC: And seeing how this is still the month of love. (he leans back to pose for the Month of Love, but has a dour expression on his face instead) I say we get snuggly with the most romantic person we can think of...Michael Bay. Let's awaken the sleeping giant with...Pearl Harbor.
NC (vo): We open with two boys on a farm pretending to be pilots while one of their dads comes in from his job.
Young Danny: I get to run it!
Young Rafe: No, you take the back.
(One kid makes flying sounds and the other makes machine gun sounds before the one up front starts up the plane)
Young Rafe: Oh gosh!
NC (vo): Oh, what do you know, it's one of those one button push planes. Years of piloting school my ass, flying one of these things's easy as flushing a toilet.
Young Danny: We flew!
Young Rafe: We flew! Yes, I'm a pilot!
NC (vo): But Father Jerk-In-Everything-I'm-In (William Fichtner) is not happy and starts beating his son, only to have his friend knock him out.
Young Rafe: I will bust you open, you dirty German!
(NC's confused by that line)
Danny's father: I fought the Germans in France. I pray to god nobody ever has to see the things that I saw. (he then walks away from them)
(NC's still confused by that before we cut to a truck marked SCENE driving in a field at night)
Man 1: We are so lost.
Man 2: No we're not.
Man 1: We're not going anywhere.
Man 2: Yes we are.
Man 1: You have no direction at all.
Man 2: Yes we do. (they end up coming to a cliff with a sign marked Nowhere, making the truck back up)
Man 1: Told you we weren't going anywhere.
Man 2: Blow me.
(A plane is flying over an air base)
NC (vo): Cut to years later where those two boys have grown up into some wild, crazy rapscallions who love putting priceless military aircaft in jeopardy.
(Rafe and Danny fly towards each other but then make 90 degree turns to avoid each other while the soldiers below cheer on)
NC: (shaking his fist) Maverick!
Commander: Those farm boys are grounded!
Red Winkle: Yes, sir. Entirely unacceptable of...(he then stutters) military aircraft, sir.
NC (vo): (imitating Red) I stutter. It's my thing. It's a quick way to identify me without having to give me any character.
Commander: Get those hedgechoppers into Dolittle's office.
NC (vo): Our heroes are played by Ben Affleck, pre-director days, so you can hate him all you want, and Josh Hartnett, who. if his eyes were any more squinty, would have to see through his eyelids. They're under the command of Colonel Dolittle, played by Alec Baldwin. Pre-I-had-too-much-pie but not post-I-need-to-seriously-stop-eating-the-goddamn-pie. It's ironic because he plays a person based on a real life colonel and yet he's probably the most clichéd character in the entire movie.
Dolittle: That's not training, McCawley. That's a stunt. And I personally consider it to be reckless and irresponsible.
Rafe: I was doing it to try and inspire the men, sir. In the way you've inspired me. I believe the French even have a word for that when the men get together to honor their leaders. They call it an homage, sir.
Dolittle: A what?
NC: Don't throw your million dollar words around me. What complicated French phrases are next? Baguette? Croissant? Gérard Depardieu?
Rafe: An homage, sir.
Dolittle: That's bullshit, McCawley! (that makes his dog wake up a little)
NC: Everybody...(saying the next expected line) But it's Very Good Bullshit.
Rafe: Thank you, sir.
NC (vo): Yeah, we like these privates that don't follow commands and endanger their lives and equipment. We need more people like you not doing what we tell you to do.
NC: It's like the old saying goes: (an Army poster is shown) be all that you can be...and ehhhhh, do whatever you want, we're flexible.
Tony Fusco: Man I am one good looking son of a bitch.
NC (vo): So seeing how Michael Bay's forecast calls for permanent sunset, it's probably best that we cut to the next night. Oh, and here's a fun game. Count how many times they giggle throughout this scene.
Betty: If the call of duty means seeing 150 men in their underwear everyday, we are here to serve.
(The nurses giggle and so does the Critic)
Nurse 2: You know what they're doing where I come from? Cow tipping.
(The nurses and NC giggle again)
Sandra: May I rememind you we're Navy nurses, not tourists.
Nurse 4: I joined to do my patriotic duty. And...to meet guys.
(NC's just about having to force the giggles out)
Evelyn: He was getting fresh, so I poked him again.
(Eventually NC's had enough of the giggling)
NC: Shut up!
NC (vo): (an arrow's pointing to Sandra, the nurse next to Evelyn) Oh by the way, hi Jennifer Garner. Yeah, that's really her before she became famous. God I wish you and these brainless bimbos were all Alias-es for your next undercover mission.
Betty: You gotta tell 'em the story, Evelyn.
Evelyn: Well, it was about four weeks ago...
(Flashback to a nurse's station where potential recruits are getting checked up. One of them is Rafe reading a cheat sheet for the eye exam)
NC (vo): So Hartnett tries to help Affleck cheat the physical so he can pass and join the military, but Kate catches on and calls him on it.
Evelyn: But Army and Navy requires 20/20 vision.
Rafe: Oh I--It-it's not a problem with my eyes. I mean I can see. It's just letters, I mix 'em up sometimes, that's all. I just get 'em backwards sometimes.
Evelyn: Well I felt so bad. I had no choice. (Evelyn is shown stamping on his papers) I passed him. (And the girls giggle again)
NC (vo): Well I guess it's nice that she passes dyslexic doofuses putting most likely several other soldiers at risk during critical times...
NC: But all I wanna know is, if he always gets letters and numbers backwards all the time, then how the hell did he read the cheat sheet? (vo) Dipshit, just imagine those letters are up on the board. Because, guess what? THEY ARE UP ON THE BOARD!!
Rafe: (having a bandaged nose) Maybe we can celebrate.
Evelyn: Celebrate what?
Rafe: Well you being my hero for one.
NC (vo): They of course start chatting and start up a romance, but is it me, or does it sound like (Geoge) Lucas took over some of this romantic banter here?
Rafe: (laying his head on Evelyn's lap) You're so beautiful it hurts.
Evelyn: It's your nose that hurts.
Rafe: Ah, I think it's my heart.
(Cut to a clip from Revenge of the Sith between Anakin and Padme)
Anakin: You're so beautiful.
Padme: It's only because I'm so in love.
Anakin: No it's because I'm so in love with you.
Padme: So love has blinded you?
NC: Maybe Lucas's screen alias is Randall Wallace. Wouldn't that explain so much?
NC (vo): So they spend days and days together until we come to this tired story thread: the fact that he's leaving the next day and is only now telling her about it.
Rafe: I'm going to the war. Tomorrow, I'm flying with the Eagle Squadron.
Evelyn: You're in the US Army. How could they order you to go?
Rafe: I volunteered.
Evelyn: I passed you. And now you volunteer for the most dangerous place you could go?
Rafe: It's not your responsibility. Not your choice.
NC (vo): Pfft, yeah. We're just a couple. It's not like you have any say in things.
NC: It's like Rosie the Riveter says: (A poster of Rosie the Riveter is shown, but edited) Men Call All the Shots! (back to NC) Or was it something else? No no, that was it.
NC (vo): But at least they have one last romantic evening alone togeth--(Rafe pulls Evelyn back outside) or...?
Rafe: See, I can't do this. I mean...I mean I can. I want to. I don't want you to have anything about tonight that you'll regret.
Evelyn: If I had one more night to live, I'd want to spend it with you.
Rafe: See that's what I wanna come home to. I wanna know that the best part of my life's still ahead of me.
NC (vo): Sooo, the promise of sex will bring you home?
NC: Okay, fair enough. But you're still gonna have that lust whether you're with her tonight or not. Way to buy the cow, man. Or deny the cow sex, however the phrase goes.
NC (vo): So he tells her not to see him off at the train station, but, yeah, get a load of this great logic.
Rafe: It's my test. If I tell her not to come and she comes anyway, I know she loves me.
NC (vo): Okay, dude! You kept that you're leaving a secret, sprung it on her the night before, say she has no choice in the matter, are denying her nookie, and you have the BALL TESTICLES to be testing her!?
NC: What the hell do you do for an encore? Tell orphans that they're (picture of Affleck with a giant candy cane in front of cheering children) seeing Santa's workshop, but it's really a (picture of a war zone in the background with crying children) war zone and the ones who didn't (picture of Affleck holding out a cookie to a crying child with cuts on her arms and body) plug their ears get a cookie? Christ, how close are those Japanese planes again? (he pulls a graphic to see how close the planes are to Hawaii)
(Evelyn comes out to the train station to see Rafe off, but he's on the train. He sees her and knocks on the window)
Rafe: Evelyn! (but she can't hear him) Evelyn! (By that time, the train starts pulling out. He looks to a passenger in the seat next to him) She loves me.
NC: (smug look) I totally made my girlfriend who I treat badly cry. Feelin' the douccchhhe.
NC (vo): So while Kate and her friends are off to be nurses...
Evelyn: Welcome, ladies.
Nurses: Hi!
NC: Oh, don't you mean...(giggles)
(And the nurses giggle)
NC (vo): Affleck spends time in fighter jets while also writing his supposed true love.
British soldier: Family?
Rafe: Girl, sir. The girl.
British soldier: A lot of people frown on the Yanks for not being in this war yet. I'd just like to say if there are many more back home like you, God help anyone who goes to war with America.
NC (vo): Oh yeah, another thing about this movie. If it could jerk off America's wang any more, it'd probably get dicksauce on Cuba.
(And we're treated to a graphic of...white stuff...on Cuba while America moans)
NC (vo): But meanwhile, our Japanese enemies plot their surprise attack led by (seeing who's in the movie...) God on high treasure to the entire world and whatever parts of the universe are left undiscovered, Mako!
(NC then holds Mako's head in reverence)
Admiral 1: Well Pearl Harbor is too short for an aerial torpedo attack, we're surrounded by sub nets. Distance is our ally, admiral.
Admiral Husband Kimmel: You analysts got it all figured out, don't you? The smart enemy hits you exactly where you think you're safe.
(The Japanese are shown planning the attack in a giant tub of water)
NC (vo): Yes, the smart enemy plots in giant hot tubs with toy battleships with no markings on them that would identify it as a map.
NC: Not of course forgetting Rubber Ducky Godzilla.
(Godzilla is added to the scene with his usual roar as well as people shouting RUBBER DUCKY GODZILLA)
Admiral Yamamoto: ハワイを含める - クラッターはそのようさらに混乱になります。(subtitled) Include Hawaii--the clutter will be more confusing that way.
Minoru Genda: 華麗な、提督。 (subtitled) Brilliant, Admiral.
Yamamoto: 華麗な男は戦争に行くにしない方法を見つけるだろう。(subtitled) A brilliant man would find a way not to go to war.
NC (vo): Actually I have to admit, I'm kinda shocked. We're about 45 minutes in and there's been no explosions, all character development, even if it's bad development, and even the Asians are shown in non-stereotypical ways. Almost like Michael Bay was a different guy.
NC: Still a bad director, but a different guy. You almost gotta wonder what was going through his head at the time.
(We're taken back to the past as Christopher Clodd (played by Rob Walker) comes into Peter's office with a newspaper)
Clodd: Peter, did you see the news about Armageddon?
Peter: No, but I've seen the critical feedback. Maybe there wasn't much to this Bay kid as I thought.
Clodd: Actually according to these recent box office results, it's already made $36 million.
(Peter takes the paper)
Peter: How can that be? Everyone said it was crap.
Clodd: Yet it still made a spectacular amount of money.
Peter: Nobody's ever gotten this much hatred and yet earned so much.
Clodd: Maybe this Michael Bay guy's onto something. Maybe he's a wonder kid.
Peter: He's a miracle.
Clodd: Some are even calling him...the Son of Schlock.
(The two look at each other, then get on their knees)
Both: Hail Hosiah! The Chosen One has come!*
- May be wrong about that name said
(Bay's quite excited at the press he's gotten with blurbs like:
RECORD BREAKING
TERRIBLE MOVIE MAKES TERRIBLE AMOUNT OF MONEY
How Does He Do it?
This Made Money?
Don't Encourage Him!
He Just Killed Hollywood
AMERICA'S LOST IT'S SENSES
This is a Sad Day
Unbelievable!
Never Been Done!
JESUS CHRIST!
ONE OF THE WORST FILMS OF ALL TIME IS ONE OF THE HIGHEST GROSSING FILMS OF ALL TIME!)
(We're now back to Bay thanking some people)
Bay: You two have just been the best room mates a man can have. (His room mates being Rachel Tietz with balloons shoved down her dress and constantly flipping her hair, and Malcolm Ray holding a boombox) Not only have you been there to help me shoot all my adult films, but you've also been supportive and...I can't help but feel you've had an impact on the way I view the world.
Black guy: Man, that be dope.
Bay: Tina A, in this rough, brutal world that we live in, you've shown me all that women are capable of.
Tina: It was a pleasure to serve you, Mr. Bay.
Bay: And Dog Johnson, you've taught me what it means to keep it real and never conform to the white man's stereotype.
Dog: Bitch we be keeping it hissy wissy in the pussy, man.
Bay: Indeed. I want you both to know that even though I'm moving away to make bigger and better films, I will one day represent each of you in the way you've had an impact on me.
Dog: So what now, G? You keeping it hoppin' and poppin' in the hood?
Bay: Oh Dog, whatever you just said. They've finally asked me to make the ultimate romance epic that I've always wanted to make: Pearl Harbor. (Tina's filled with emotion at that statement. Bay picks up his traveling bag) Farewell, my friends. (he then leaves the room. Tina waves her fingers while Dog flashes a peace sign)
Dog: That little bitch is gonna be all right.
Tina: He sure is, Dog. (she then starts whipping her hair in his face)
Dog: Whatchu on, bitch?
(The Nostalgia Critic logo comes up and we go to commercial)
(We come back from commercial as Rafe's plane goes down)
NC (vo): So Affleck takes a hit by enemy planes and is believed to be dead. Hartnett goes to deliver the bad news.
(Evelyn looks out from her porch and sees Danny getting out of the car. She soon learns the news and the two embrace)
NC (vo): Oh yeah, I'm sure he's really gone. That's why the advertisements show him in about twenty more scenes that he wasn't in yet.
NC: And hey, while we're at it, (whispering) I get the feeling that Aragorn will make it through the Two Towers also. (A clip is shown of Aragorn going over a cliff while snagged on a warg)
NC (vo): So Hartnett and Beckinsale try to deal with their loss of AFFLECK! (shouted more like Aflac)
Evelyn: He volunteered to go to England.
Danny: Volunteered? He told me he'd been assigned. He was always trying to protect me.
NC: Yeah, that is so like him to protect his buddy. God, I feel like you two have shared so much in the...two, maybe three (vo) scenes you had together? You know, the ones that never went over five fucking minutes? (back to desk) Oh and speaking of which, did protecting you also include playing chicken with expensive aircrafts? (the chicken scene from before is shown as we go to bo) Putting your life and professional career in danger? (back to desk) Well, at least it was worth it to 86 his girlfriend and leave her nether regions colder than a snowman's rectal thermometer. You know, I gotta admit from an outsider looking in, I think it's pretty obvious that dear old Affleck is a dear old AFF-HOLE!! How close are those planes again!? (he pulls the graphic and the planes are getting closer)
NC (vo): So, we've had one romance, yes. (As Merry or Pippin from Lord of the Rings) What about second romance?
(Evelyn's at the air base in a red dress)
Fusco: Hey, you got a visitor.
Danny: I think I'm falling for her.
NC (vo): Three months later, Kate decides to go to the military base...in her finest evening dress. To, uh, not hit on Hartnett, but somehow ends up flying with him with her in his lap anyway. Yeah, I'm sure that was sanctioned.
(NC's reading some papers)
Off-screen voice: Hey Sarge, I'm gonna take my girlfriend up into the air with her in my lap even though the seatbelt can't fit around us.
NC: Okay, just be back by 12. My kids are gonna drive the submarine tomorrow.
NC (vo): So after their joyride he takes her into one of the hangers to see if his parachute will still deploy.
(The porno music from earlier plays as Danny and Evelyn make love. NC's eyes widen as a boing is heard. In the background is a parachute deploying)
NC (vo): But then Dan Aykroyd, you heard right, Dan Aykroyd, making his biggest appearance since Temple of Doom, are led to the possible oncoming attack.
Thurman: When I was in the Asiatic Fleet, the locals used to try to get outside of a problem to try see the inside. A blow to Pearl would devastate the Pacific Fleet's ability to make war.
NC: (as Dan Aykroyd as Ray from Ghostbusters) Just like the Symmetrical Book Stacking of the Philadelphia Mass Turbulence of 1947.
NC (vo): Actually the funny thing is, Aykroyd might be one of the best parts of the movie. I mean, whether you like him as an actor or not, you have to admit he is the King of Exposition. Anytime he's explaining something, you will always listen.
Thurman: It's like playing chess in the dark. Any rumor, troop movement, ship movement, spine tingle, goosebump, we pay attention to it.
NC (vo): Hell, I could probably take the Dark Knight more seriously if Aykroyd was doing his voice.
(We're at the scene where Joker's hung upside down at the construction site)
Batman: (with Aykroyd's voice dubbed in from Ghostbusters) As the duly designated representative of the city, I order you to cease any and all supernatural activity and return forthwith to your place of origin or to the nearest convenient parralel dimension.
Joker: Huh?
NC (vo): But it's all good because Team Josh seems to be just as happy as can be with Affleck's leftovers.
Evelyn: Every moment we're not together you're up there training for war.
Danny: Yeah, well I'm training for moments like these.
(NC's now holding a mike with a backdrop like he's on a talk show)
NC: Oh well now that's intersting, that's very intersting because we have somebody backstage who would like to comment on this whole thing. Can we bring him out here please? Can we bring him out?
(Turns out it's Rafe and the crowd goes OOOHHH before chanting Critic's name while he relishes in it)
NC (vo): That's right, Affleck just pops out of nowhere. He was gonna call eventually, but if you haven't noticed, he likes to spring dramatic bullshit at the very last minute.
Rafe: I got picked up by a French fishing boat and I was in occupied France, I couldn't get word out.
NC (vo): But in the middle of their reunion...
(As Rafe and Evelyn talk, Danny walks in on them)
Danny: Rafe!
NC (vo): (as Danny) Uh, I was just keeping her warm for you, huh huh.
(Tchaikovsky's Romeo and Juliet Overture comes on as Rafe gets up)
Rafe: Stay away!
(As he walks out, a graphic to the lower right is shown saying "As The Pearl Turns")
NC (vo): So, fuck trying to fix this problem. Let's get hammered. And while we're at it, let's throw some dick remarks at the people you thought you were helping but were just being a cock horse to.
Rafe: Y'all know Danny wasn't even good enough to look after my girl for me while I was gone. (he puts down his fourth shot while one more's left to be taken)
Danny: We thought you were dead, Rafe!
Rafe: Life is good, ain't it then?
Danny: You left her to fight somebody else's war.
(Rafe then punches Danny out)
NC (vo): Yeah, he's only been back for ten minutes and already I hate him.
(The two drive out a distance to talk it out)
Danny: When you were gone, it's the loneliest I've ever been. Same for her, too. If you hadn't gone, none of this would've happened.
Rafe: So it was my fault, I guess.
NC: Oh, I don't know. You volunteered, you left her behind, you tried to control his life. (A magic 8-ball appears to the left of NC) Let's see what the Magic 8-Ball has to say. (he shakes the ball and it says DICK) Can't argue with that.
Danny: Things could be right between me and you.
Rafe: I just don't see how it could ever be the same.
NC (vo): So, how close are those planes again!?
(Meanwhile on the Japanese side, they're writing letters to their loved ones)
Japanese pilot: I go now to fulfill my mission and my destiny. I hope it is a destiny that will bring honor to our family.
NC (vo): Ooh, might be closer than I thought. They're writing letters to their Japanese relatives in English.
NC: To...throw the enemy off?
(Japanese Zeros take off from their carriers)
NC (vo): So, just a mere hour and a half in, we finally get our attack on the Harbor. Rather than let the terror of the attack speak for itself, let's fly by every poetic symbol of American innocence we can find.
(The planes fly past two boys, the pilots all saying "Konnichi wa," the last one saying "All your base are belong to us.")
(The Japanese begin their attack on the base. Red busts into one of the barracks trying to get the words out, but he's stuttering hard)
NC: Okay, who made him our communications officer?
Red: The Japs are here!
(More scenes of the attack are shown, a good portion of the ships on fire)
NC (vo): And where are those dashing heroes of ours while this terrible event is going on?
(The Dawn Chorus plays as it reveals Rafe and Danny are passed out in the car)
NC: Yeah, I mean, don't let the title of the movie interrupt their love triangle. Let 'em sleep, let 'em figure things out.
NC (vo): Yeah, sort of a big problem with this, isn't it? (Clips of Titanic are shown) I mean, at least with Titanic, whether you like it or not, you see the fictional characters interract with the real life characters. So when the tragedy happens, you know who they are and can build emotional connections with them. (back to Pearl Harbor) Here, they're in a car away from the base! I mean, okay, a plane fires at them, but we know the ships is where the majority of the attack is gonna take place. And thus, where we're gonna spend most of our time. But, they're never on it. So we never make a connection to any of these people dying. Except maybe Cuba Gooding, Jr who had a quick cameo here and there. And yeah, don't get me wrong. It sucks seeing this. It sucks seeing people get killed. But why waste an hour and a half never showing who they are? You wasted it on characters who don't exist, you don't care about, and aren't even in the center of the attack. Yeah, great call on that. But, with that said, I have to admit, the action for the most part is pretty well done. I mean, you can see what's going on, it's intense, and the effects are very impressive. But even Bay couldn't let this pass without some bullshit moments. For example, (one soldier's shown still in a bath towel and brushing his teeth) is this guy brushing his teeth? Are you shitting me? (zooming on the toothbrushing soldier) Buddy, fuck the plaque build-up! I really hope the military doesn't teach people that when they hear explosions, run out into fire in a bath towel! Oh, and how bout this crap where the planes are shown firing on civilians at a hospital? Even though it was reported that the Japanese never fired on them. Yeah, even when they had a clear shot, they would not fire at the hospital.
NC: Fuck that shit! This is Michael Bay's history. This is Randall Wallace's writing. We have to...
NC (vo): ...put Kate Beckinsale in danger from those evil Japs who have to fire on hospitals and kill one of those giggling idiots that you barely knew. Oh yeah, I'll miss whatever the hell her name was! (one of the ships is capsizing) Oh, and listen to this.
(Sailors are clutching for dear life on the rails)
Sailor: I can't swim!
NC: Wait a fuck! You're telling me that a man, a soldier, a sailor, in the Navy, on a battle cruiser, can't...swim? Okay. Okay, Michael Bay. Okay, Michael "America Fuck Yeah" Michael Bay! I'd do anything for fucking America! I'd jerk it off until it splooges everywhere! You are making our military look like undisciplined asses! I mean, lemme get this straight.
NC (vo): (Danny and Evelyn riding in the plane) They take women up in their planes for joyrides, (Rafe using a cheat sheet for the eye exam) use cheat sheets to pass their eye exams, which still doesn't make any fucking sense by the way, (Rafe and Danny playing chicken) pull off dangerous ego stroking stunts and yet somehow that gets them promoted, (toothbrush guy's shown) continue to brush their teeth even when they're under attack. By the way, he's still has it. (an arrow's shown pointing at the toothbrush) Look, he still fucking has it. Don't go protecting another soldier or anything. You hold onto that toothbrush, Private! (the capsizing ship is shown) And on top of that, you make the accusation that there are soldiers in the military who can't swim!
(NC's just about boiling mad)
NC: You know...dick. Cause that's what you are, a fucking dick. When you show this image of the American flag destroyed, you're not just showing your dollar store symbolism that says "ooh, America's hurt." But, it's very clear that what is important to you is not how you view America. What is important to you is how others see you viewing America. So, you can make up whatever you want. You can fabricate things, you can lie about history. (The hosptial attack is shown) You can exaggerate, you can glorify, you can demonize, you can distort the facts. (back to desk) You can make up the truth. Make up the truth about people who lost their lives in this great tragedy. Why? Because you're doing it in the name that you (thumping his chest) fucking love America. (now in full on serious mode) I'm sorry! I-I-I don't fuck around with this shit! I don't, okay? These are people who have lost their lives, people who have been drafted, people who volunteered, people putting their asses on the line, and many of them don't come back! You're taking it upon yourself to show that! And, I-I know what you're thinking, yeah, you're thinking, "Well, I'll just make up people because they weren't really there so I can do whatever I want with them, I can make shit up." And granted, you don't deserve the responsibility to show real events. You don't live in the real world! But what happens is that when you take it and base it on a real event, you have to show these real people. You have to get it right, Michael Bay! You have to get it right! Because this isn't Transformers, okay? That's kid's shit, you can do whatever you want. It's not The Rock! It's not Sean Connery saying "winners fuck the prom queen!" No, it's fucking Pearl Harbor! Reality! It actually happened! And I know you're thinking, "Well it's Hollywood, we take liberties." Fuck you, it's not Hollywood! When you take it upon yourself to represent something that really happened and is still painful and hurts a lot of people, that means you have to do two things. One, you have to grow up and be an adult! Two, you have to actually represent these people as best as humanly possible, YOU SON OF A BIIIIIIIIITCH!!!! (He takes some time to calm down from that throat peeling scream) I can't be the only one who sees this. And thank god I wasn't.
(Back to the past. Clodd's loosening his collar while Peter's on two phones, quite embarrassed about the movie)
Peter: Don't look at me! I didn't pick the guy! I know the movie bombed! All I did was throw money at it! I didn't choose the director!
Clodd: But Peter, I was here in the room when you hired him.
Peter: I told you, I never heard of the guy! I never heard of Michael Bay! (shooing Clodd out of the office) Now get out of here! Go! Go! Get out of here! (he then breaks down crying and drops to the floor) Why, Schlock? Why have you forsaken me? (he then cries some more as Clodd walks in)
Clodd: Your secretary wishes it to be known that there's an offer for free hugs.
Peter: Send her in.
Clodd: Him.
Peter: Nevermind.
(Meanwhile, Bay's assaulted by all the negative press)
Male voice: What kind of sadistic man is this? Making this pile of crap up.
Female voice: That was the worst thing I've ever seen in my life. Oh my God.
Male voice: I can't believe they put forth something like this.
Female voice: I will never go see another movie for the rest of my life.
Male voice: Who ever heard of this guy? It's just gonna make me vomit all over the place.
Female voice: He should just kill himself! Kill himself!
(Bay is back with his roomates. Tina is feeling his face)
Tina: So what went wrong Mr. Bay?
Bay: I don't know. This was suppost to be my big epic masterpiece but, not only do all the critics hate it but, audiences hate it too.
Dog: That's real tough brittle skittle. That is really tough.
Bay: All the world hates me and now, I have to carry my burden.
(Bay holds his hand up and Tina stops feeling his face. He then stands up and picks up a large bag)
Tina: What's that?
Bay: All the Pearl Harbor DVDs. They suspected no one would ever buy one, so they gave them all to me. (Looks at Dog and Tina) Would you guys like one!?
(Both look away at the horrid, HORRID offer, as if to say, "keep it away from me." Bay sighs, dejected.)
Bay: Then I must leave you. Goodbye.
(With that, Bay leaves the room, as Tina and Dog watch, He begins climbing up the stairs, acting as if the weight of the DVDs is too much for him to take. Tina goes to try and help, but Dog stops her. He lays on the stairs, as if he were crucified.)
Dog: Truly... this man was the son of Schlock.
(Back to the movie)
NC (vo): So President Roosevelt and his rubber double chin plan to fight back and finally enter into war.
Roosevelt: I'm talking about hitting the heart of Japan the way they hit us!
General: What you're asking can't be done.
(Roosevelt moves his chair back, then proceeds to try and stand up on his own feet)
NC (vo): Oh no he di'nt! Oh no he--no no he can't--oh you thought right you thought right--stop right there, Roosevelt! You thought--no no no no no! Oh you can't Oh you can! Oh my god, he's doing it! Oh, I'm Fucking Delano Roosevelt, biatch!
Roosevelt: Do not tell me it can't be done.
NC: That is so damn clichéd, but you know what? It's FDR! I'll give it a pass. That is one of the most incredible motherfuckers who ever lived, I... I'm surprised his wheelchair didn't turn into a Transformer.
(Now showing FDR in a Transformer-like tank of a wheel chair with explosions in the background)
NC (vo): Fire consumes the Cabinet and his theme plays him off.
(Someone sings "Franklin Delano Roosevelt!" The word "Bitches" is added on as a word bubble)
NC: It's the one time I wanna see Michael Bay go over the top, I'm not gonna lie.
Evelyn: I, uh, can't find Danny.
Rafe: Then why are you here?
NC (vo): Oh crap, I forgot about this horseshit. (sad) And there's no more Japanese bomber planes to save me now!
Rafe: Well you don't have to explain anything to me.
Evelyn: I do. Because you're acting that I didn't love you.
Rafe: Evelyn, loving you kept me alive.
NC: It just...didn't keep me from leaving you.
NC (vo): But it turns out Kate has an even bigger secret.
Evelyn: Rafe, I'm pregnant.
(A clip from Fargo is used. Whatever the context is, put it here. Meanwhile, Rafe is stunned by the news)
Evelyn: I haven't told Danny. I don't want him to know. All he needs to think about is how to do this mission and get back alive.
NC (vo): Yes, as any soldier will tell you, any loving woman by your side and a child on the way wouldn't be a good motivator at all.
NC: You should offer them ice cream. Ice cream.
NC (vo): So once again, Affleck and Hartnett are assigned together. (singsong) Awkward! (normal) And once again, Dolittle tries to see if he can talk with the animals.
Dolittle: I need you for a mission I've been ordered to put together. You know what "top secret" is?
NC: It's not quite as complicated as your million dollar French words, but I think you can deduce what it means.
NC (vo): And if it doesn't seem pretty ridiculous enough asking grown men what words that even a 5-year old would recognize mean, how about asking grown men to listen to a speech that even a 5-year old would write? Oh, and I mean it. Every overused clichéd phrase ever used in a speech is used in this dialogue. Like "this is a dangerous mission."
(Dolittle is addressing the troops)
Dolittle: The mission I'm asking you to volunteer for is exceptionally dangerous.
NC (vo): "Look to the man next to you. He'll be dead."
Dolittle: Take a look at the man beside you. You, or he, will be dead.
NC (vo): "Victory belongs to those who believe in it the most."
Dolittle: Victory belongs to those who believe in it the most.
(A picture of Native Americans are shown)
NC (vo): I think these people might disagree, but screw it. And let's end with the most clichéd of all, I shit you not, "Those who are brave enough, step forward."
Dolittle: Everyone brave enough to accept this, step forward.
(And everyone steps forward)
NC: (raising hand) Uh, do we honestly have a choice if we've been drafted?
Offscreen voice: No!
NC: Okay!
(The soldiers then do that slow motion walk only Michael Bay knows how to shoot as planes fly overhead)
NC (vo): Look at those brave American men who can do no wrong. (Rafe and Danny are dropping bombs on a base) Watch as they kill innocent civillians on their dangerous raid--oh, wait, we're not gonna show the part that really happened? Well, in that case, why don't we show you the part that didn't happen? (showing the Japanese planes opening fire on the hospital) When those evil Japanese fired on our civillians at the hospital.
NC: It's true. History's written by the winners. Or...people so secure about how good their country is that they have to constantly edit it to remind you how good it is.
(Rafe and Danny's plane crashes somewhere in the countryside)
NC (vo): But after their raid, they crash land in China where Japanese armies are waiting. This makes Affleck's gun growl. No, really, it growls.
(Rafe points his gun at the soldiers as a growling is heard. He then fires at the soldiers)
NC (vo): But Hartnett is shot in the crossfire.
(Rafe is holding Danny's body)
Rafe: Danny, you can't die. You can't die. You know why? Cause you're gonna be a father. You're gonna be a daddy.
NC (vo): (as Danny) Oh I wish you'd told me. It would've been a great motivator not to be shot.
Rafe: (in tears) Danny, please! Please! Please!
(We're then treated to Tropic Thunder where Kirk Lazarus as Lincoln Osiris is crying over Tugg Speedman as "Four Leaf" Tayback and his blown apart hands)
NC (vo): So Hartnett kicks the bucket, the Chinese come to rescue them, Affleck tells the news to Kate, who...takes it pretty well. I guess her whole role in this movie is just to be told men are dead. (A son of Evelyn and Danny's son is shown at Danny's grave) And they have their child offscreen.
(Rafe goes over to the young boy)
Rafe: Hey Danny, how'd you like to go flying?
NC (vo): (as Rafe) Yeah, enough about your dead daddy. There's a plane we can fly! Ooo!
(Rafe and Danny, Jr. are flying in the biplane, the boy having goggles on)
NC (vo): And it...doesn't really even end on that big of a note. I guess the film knew that the audience had to pee or already walked out, so they just sort of slapped the credits over it.
NC: And that was...a terrible movie.
(Clips of the movie play as the closing summary is given)
NC (vo): You know those crappy after school specials that want to talk to you about drugs but clearly have no idea what they're talking about? That's sort of like Michael Bay and history. If you wanna tell a horrible love story, fine, but leave our dead soldiers out of it. Because in the end, it doesn't work as good fiction, and it doesn't work as good history. And honestly, it's just strange that Michael Bay would even try it. I mean clearly his niche is box office crap, not historical drama.
NC: I mean, that's his calling. It's always been his calling. I wonder when he realized that.
(Back to the story of Michael Bay. Bat's slumped in a corner with a bottle of Jameson in his hand and his phone on his stomach. The phone rings, which wakes him up as he answers it)
Bay: Hello?
(It's Dog and Tina)
Dog: Bay, where ya been, man? We've been worried sick about you!
Tina: Tell him I have big boobs.
Dog: Tina has big boobs. (confused) Why are you...?
Bay: Forget it, guys. The crowd has spoken. Nobody wants to see what I'm best at.
Dog: Bitch, that's cracker talk. Maybe the thing you're best at isn't romance or representing history. Or any sort of reality for that matter.
Bay: What are you talking about?
Dog: The Bay I know didn't give a shit about emotions, or character, or anything like that. The Bay I know pleased the lowest common denominator and went all the way with it. It's like when we did porn. We just gave the people what they want.
(Suddenly Bay perks up)
Bay: Wait a minute, what'd you say?
Dog: It's like when we did porn. Remember?
Bay: I do. Thank you, Dog. You've inspired me once again. (He hangs up. The phone rings and he quickly answers it) Hello?
Peter: Okay, I'm gonna take a risk on you one more time.
Bay: Good, cause I have a new way to change Hollywood.
Peter: What?
(Bay speeds off like a bullet, then appears in Peter's office)
Bay: How would you like to get every perverted manchild in the world to see your movie?
Peter: That's every producer's dream. (he then hangs up the phone since Bay's in the room)
Bay: Well I think I've figured out a way to make it happen.
Peter: How?
Bay: (he puts his hand on Peter's shoulder) Make it all porn.
Peter: You mean like big breasted women everywhere?
Bay: No! Well yes, but go beyond that. Make everything that you shoot in a movie like it's a woman taking her clothes off.
Peter: I don't follow.
Bay: That chair over there. (a shot of a chair near the door is shown) I can shoot it like it's porn. With low angle shots, slo-mos, zoom-ins, I can make it look absolutely erotic. Any time you see an explosion, shoot it like it's porn. Any time you see an American flag waving, shoot it like it's porn. I bet I can even make the sunset look like it's porn! (a sunset is shown outside) And lo, I shall call it...pornomatography.
Peter: We shoot everything like it's porn without actually showing porn. We can sell it to the 13-year old demographic!
Bay: Yes!
Peter: But how about how it ties into the story? It doesn't make any logical sense!
Bay: The world doesn't make any logical sense! The only thing constant...is porn! It must be this way! Oh, and one more thing. I require my own crew this time.
(Peter takes off his shades and nods. Tina and Dog are looking over Bay's scripts and ideas)
Tina: Mr. Bay, don't you think this much sepia tone will hurt people's eyes?
Bay: Porn it.
Dog: Mr. Bay, do you really think we can throw in this many explosions?
Bay: Porn it.
Tina: But it goes on forever!
Bay: Porn it.
Dog: There's just too much damn slo-mo in it!
Bay: Porn it.
Tina: But the people won't watch!
Bay: Porn it!
Dog: He's a mad man! A mad man!
Bay: POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORNN IIIIIIIIIT!!
(EXPLOSION! We're now given more blurbs:
BAD BOYS II BIG HIT
TRANSFORMERS BREAKS MOVIE RECORDS!
TRANSFORMERS 3 HATED BY ALL, YET VIEWED BY ALL)
(Clodd and Peter are reading the paper and are quite pleased)
Clodd: Do you realize what this means?
Peter: Yes.
Both: He has risen!
(Bay's now before a cloudy background, holding his arms out like Jesus)
Bay: And behold, the Second Coming of Crap. Give not into character. Give not into story. For that leads to art. Give instead unto porn, for porn is everlasting and shall never diminish from the earth. And always remember, if you're gonna suck, suck all the way.
(Back to NC)
NC: But I can speculate. I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. (he gets up out of his chair and leaves as we come to the credits)
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Rafe: They call it an homage, sir.
Dolittle: A what?