February 19, 2013
(The episode starts at an apartment in Hollywood, 1990. A blonde guy's (Jim Jarosz) standing on his feet rolling his eyes back, holding a power drill which he revs up after a bit)
Director (played by Doug): And cut. (The blonde guy puts the drill down) Very nice work there, people. Very nice work, indeed.
(A pop is heard as a blonde girl, played by Dayna Munday, comes out from under)
Girl: Oh, thank you so much. Your advice is very helpful.
Director: Well, it's like I tell every adult movie star: If you're going to suck, suck all the way.
Guy: It's an honor working with you, sir. I've never seen such brilliant direction.
Director: Well, what can I say? I know how to keep 'em coming. (Pun intended)
(The director walks off the set)
Girl: Who was that ingeniously perverted man?
Guy: That was Michael Bay. The most brilliant porn director the world has ever known.
(The two look up to their left in reverence for Bay. Meanwhile, Bay walks into another room. His phone rings, and he answers it)
(On the phone is an agent with glasses named Peter, played by Orlando Belisle, Jr.)
Peter: Hey, Michael, it's Peter.
Bay: Peter! So, good news?
Peter: Good news, buddy. We decided to let you direct Bad Boys. If all goes well, we might have a few other films lined up for you, too. They see potential in you, kid. Keep it up. You might just be one of the biggest action directors of all time.
Bay: (sounding excited, but unsure at the same time) Oh. Well, that's great, Peter. That's great.
Peter: Well, what's the matter? I thought you'd be more excited.
Bay: Oh, oh, I am, Peter, I am. But, uh...I just don't know if I always want to be associated with action.
Peter: Well, what did you have in mind?
Bay: Well, I always wanted to do...a romance.
(He looks upwards as the music swells at that statement. Then the opening plays, before cutting to NC in his room)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. ("Nearer My God to Thee" on the violin plays in the background) Years ago, a disaster fell upon this nation. A horrible tragedy that left good people and their families scarred for life. And while many weren't there to witness it, this attack on the public left several poor souls confused and afraid. And I think we can all agree it's a bombing we will never forget and we'll hold deep within our hearts-- (music stops) Okay, you know the punchline. It's Pearl Harbor the movie, not the actual event.
(The title of the movie is shown, before clips of the movie play)
NC (vo): Some of you may find it kind of cold of me to make a joke around that, but if Michael Bay can make up insulting shit about Pearl Harbor, well, then so can I. This dumbass flick tried to cash in on the romantic historical fiction based around a...tragedy genre.
NC: Which, sad to say, is quite a popular genre. (Posters for Enemy at the Gates, Hindenberg, Titanic and Pearl Harbor are shown)
NC (vo): It's an obvious studio choice to try and get out a butch version of Titanic. Because, hey, if the highest-grossing film at that time got its profit from teary-eyed women, naturally we can make more, marketing to testosterone-filled man penis. The problem is, it's over three hours long, has no action until the middle, and is under the misconception that Ben Affleck is likeable.
NC: And seeing how this is still the Month of Love... (he leans back to pose for the Month of Love, but has a dour expression on his face instead) ...I say we get snuggly with the most romantic person we can think of...Michael Bay. Let's awaken the sleeping giant with...Pearl Harbor.
(The movie begins in 1923 Tennessee, where two best friends, Rafe McCawley and Danny Walker, play together in the back of an old biplane, pretending to be soldiers fighting the German Empire in World War I. When Danny's father returns from his job, the boys begin flying on his biplane)
NC (vo): We open with two boys on a farm pretending to be pilots, when one of their dads comes in from his job.
Young Danny: I get to run it!
Young Rafe: No, you take the back.
(One kid makes flying sounds and the other makes machine gun sounds before the one up front starts up the plane)
Young Rafe: Oh, gosh!
NC (vo): Oh, what do you know? It's one of those one button push planes. Years of piloting school, my ass! Flying this thing's as easy as flushing a toilet.
(The boys stop the biplane and run out in excitement)
Young Danny: We flew!
Young Rafe: We flew! Yes, I'm a pilot!
(Upon returning home, Danny ends up getting beaten and abused by his father, and Rafe starts attacking him with a plank of wood)
NC (vo): But Father Jerk-In-Everything-I'm-In (William Fichtner) is not happy and starts beating his son, only to have his friend knock him out.
Young Rafe: I will bust you open, you dirty German!
(NC's confused by that line)
Danny's father: I fought the Germans in France. I pray to God nobody ever has to see the things that I saw.
(He then walks away from them. We see NC still confused by that, before we cut to a truck marked "SCENE" driving in a field at night)
Man 1: We are so lost.
Man 2: No, we're not.
Man 1: We're not going anywhere.
Man 2: Yes, we are.
Man 1: We have no direction at all.
Man 2: Yes, we do.
(They end up coming to a cliff with a sign marked "Nowhere", making the truck back up)
Man 1: Told you we weren't going anywhere.
Man 2: Blow me.
(A plane is flying over an air base as we go forward to January 1941, with World War II raging, and Danny and Rafe are both first lieutenants under the command of Major Jimmy Doolittle)
NC (vo): Cut to years later where those two boys have grown up into some wild, crazy rapscallions who love putting priceless military aircraft in jeopardy.
(Rafe and Danny fly towards each other but then make 90-degree turns to avoid each other while the soldiers below cheer on)
NC: (shaking his fist) Maverick!
Commander: Those farm boys are grounded!
Red Winkle: Yes, sir. Entirely unacceptable use of... (he then stutters) military aircraft, sir.
NC (vo; imitating Red): I stutter. It's my thing. It's a quick way to identify me without having to give me any character.
Commander: Get those hedgechoppers in Dolittle's office.
NC (vo): Our heroes are played by Ben Affleck, pre-director days, so you can hate him all you want, and Josh Hartnett, who, if his eyes were any more squinty, would have to see through his eyelids. They're under the command of Colonel Dolittle, played by Alec Baldwin, pre-I-had-too-much-pie but not post-I-need-to-seriously-stop-eating-the-goddamn-pie. It's ironic because he plays a person based on a real-life colonel, and yet he's probably the most clichéd character in the entire movie.
(Dolittle speaks with Rafe in his office)
Dolittle: That's not training, McCawley. That's a stunt. And I personally consider it to be reckless and irresponsible.
Rafe: I was doing it to try and inspire the men, sir. In the way that you've inspired me. I believe the French even have a word for that when the men get together to honor their leaders. They call it an homage, sir.
Dolittle: A what?
NC: (as Dolittle) Don't throw your million dollar words around me. What complicated French phrases are next? Baguette? Croissant? Gérard Depardieu?
Rafe: An homage, sir.
Dolittle: That's bullshit, McCawley! (That makes his dog wake up a little)
NC: Everybody... (He recites the next expected line Dolittle says) But it's Very Good Bullshit.
Rafe: Thank you, sir.
NC (vo): Yeah, we like these privates that don't follow commands and endanger their lives and equipment. We need more people like you not doing what we tell you to do.
NC: It's like the old saying goes: (an Army poster is shown) be all that you can be...and...ehhhhh, do whatever you want, we're flexible.
(We briefly see a man named Tony getting changed in a bathroom)
Tony Fusco: Man, I am one good looking son of a bitch.
(We cut to a group of nurses traveling on a moving train and talking with each other)
NC (vo): So seeing how Michael Bay's forecast calls for permanent sunset, it's probably best that we cut to the next night. Oh, and here's a fun game. Count how many times they giggle throughout this entire scene.
Betty: If the call of duty means seeing 150 men in their underwear everyday, we are here to serve.
(The nurses giggle and so does NC)
Nurse 2: You know what they're doing where I come from? Cow tipping.
(The nurses and NC giggle again)
Sandra: May I remind you we're Navy nurses, not tourists.
Nurse 4: I joined to do my patriotic duty. And...to meet guys.
(NC's just about having to force the giggles out)
Evelyn: He was getting fresh, so I poked him again.
(Eventually, NC's had enough of the giggling)
NC: Shut up!
(As NC speaks, an arrow appears, pointing to Sandra, the nurse next to Evelyn)
NC (vo): Oh, by the way, hi, Jennifer Garner. Yeah, that's really her before she became famous. God, I wish you and these brainless bimbos were all just Alias-es for your next undercover mission.
Betty: You gotta tell 'em the story, Evelyn.
Evelyn: Well, it was about four weeks ago...
(Flashback to a nurse's station where potential recruits are getting checked up. One of them is Rafe reading a cheat sheet for the eye exam)
NC (vo): So Hartnett tries to help Affleck cheat the physical so he can pass and join the military, but Kate catches on and calls him on it.
Evelyn: But Army and Navy requires 20/20 vision.
Rafe: Oh I--It-it's not a problem with my eyes. I mean, I can see. It's just letters, I mix 'em up sometimes, that's all. I just get 'em backwards sometimes.
(Cut back to Evelyn telling the story to the nurses)
Evelyn: Well, I felt so bad. I had no choice. (Evelyn is shown stamping on his papers) I passed him. (And the girls giggle again)
NC (vo): Well, I guess it's nice that she passes dyslexic doofuses, putting most likely several other soldiers at risk during critical times...
NC: But all I wanna know is, if he constantly gets letters and numbers backwards all the time, then how the hell did he read the cheat sheet?!
NC (vo): Dipshit, just imagine those letters are up on the board. Because, guess what? THEY ARE UP ON THE BOARD!!
(Cut to Rafe meeting up with Evelyn at a mansion)
Rafe: (having a bandaged nose) Maybe we can celebrate.
Evelyn: Celebrate what?
Rafe: Well, you being my hero for one.
NC (vo): They, of course, start chatting and start up a romance, but is it me, or does it sound like (George) Lucas took over some of this romantic banter here?
Rafe: (laying his head on Evelyn's lap) You're so beautiful, it hurts.
Evelyn: It's your nose that hurts.
Rafe: Ah, I think it's my heart.
(Cut to a clip from Revenge of the Sith between Anakin and Padme)
Anakin: You're so beautiful.
Padme: It's only because I'm so in love.
Anakin: No, it's because I'm so in love with you.
Padme: So love has blinded you?
NC: Maybe Lucas's screen alias is Randall Wallace. Wouldn't that explain so much?
(We see Rafe and Evelyn hanging out in several dates, before cutting to the scene where, after spending another night together, Rafe shocks Evelyn by saying that he has joined the Eagle Squadron and is leaving the next day)
NC (vo): So they spend days and days together until we come to this tired story thread: the fact that he's leaving the next day and is only now telling her about it.
Rafe: I'm going to the war. Tomorrow, I'm flying with the Eagle Squadron.
Evelyn: You're in the US Army. How could they order you to go?
Rafe: I volunteered.
Evelyn: I passed you. And now you volunteer for the most dangerous place you could go?
Rafe: It's not your responsibility. Not your choice.
NC (vo; as Rafe): Pfft, yeah. We're just a couple. It's not like you have any say in things.
NC: It's like Rosie the Riveter says: (A poster of Rosie the Riveter is shown, but edited) Men Call All the Shots! (back to NC) Or was it something else? No, no, no, that was it.
NC (vo): But at least they have one last romantic evening alone togeth... (As the two are about to go inside a hotel, Rafe suddenly pulls Evelyn back outside) Or...?
Rafe: See, I can't do this. I mean...I mean, I can. I want to. I don't want you to have anything about tonight that you'll regret.
Evelyn: If I had one more night to live, I'd want to spend it with you.
Rafe: See, that's what I wanna come home to. I wanna know that the best part of my life's still ahead of me.
NC (vo): Sooo, the promise of sex will bring you home?
NC: Okay, fair enough. But you're still gonna have that lust whether you're with her tonight or not. Way to buy the cow, man. Or...deny the cow sex, however the phrase goes.
(The next day, at the train station, Rafe prepares to leave to go to war as Danny joins him to wish him well)
NC (vo): So he tells her not to see him off at the train station, but, yeah, get a load of this great logic.
Rafe: It's my test. If I tell her not to come and she comes anyway, I know she loves me.
NC (vo): Okay, dude! You kept that you're leaving a secret, sprung it on her the night before, say she has no choice in the matter, are denying her nookie, and you have the BALL TESTICLES to be testing her!?
NC: What the hell do you do for an encore? Tell orphans that they're...
(We see several Photoshopped pictures of what NC described, showing Ben Affleck holding a giant candy cane in front of cheering children, then crying children standing in the middle of a war zone, and then Affleck holding out a cookie to a crying child with cuts on her arms and body)
NC (vo): ...seeing Santa's workshop, but it's really a war zone, and the ones who didn't plug their ears get a cookie?
NC: Christ, how close are those Japanese planes again? (He pulls a graphic to see how close the planes are to Hawaii)
(Evelyn comes out to the train station to see Rafe off, but he's on the train. He sees her and knocks on the window)
Rafe: Evelyn! (She can't hear him) Evelyn! (By that time, the train starts pulling out. He looks to a passenger in the seat next to him) She loves me.
NC: (as Rafe, holding a smug look) I totally made my girlfriend who I treat badly cry. Feelin' the douccchhhe.
(We cut to Evelyn and her friends doing their nursing jobs at a hospital0
NC (vo): So while Kate and her friends are off to be nurses...
Evelyn: Welcome, ladies.
NC: Oh, don't you mean... (giggles)
(And the nurses giggle. We see Rafe flying in numerous dogfights with the RAF against the Luftwaffe. At one point, during a break in England, he writes a letter to Evelyn)
NC (vo): ...Affleck spends time in fighter jets, while also writing his supposed true love.
British soldier: Family?
Rafe: Girl, sir. The girl.
British soldier: A lot of people frown on the Yanks for not being in this war yet. I'd just like to say if there are many more back home like you, God help anyone who goes to war with America.
NC (vo): Oh, yeah, another thing about this movie. If it could jerk off America's wang any more, it'd probably get dicksauce on Cuba.
(And we're treated to a graphic of...white stuff...on Cuba while America moans. We cut to Japan, where we see Admiral Isoroku Yamamoto planning an attack)
NC (vo): But meanwhile, our Japanese enemies plot their surprise attack, led by (seeing who's playing Yamamoto...) God on high treasure to the entire world and whatever parts of the universe are left undiscovered, Mako.
(NC then holds Mako's head in reverence. Cut back to America, showing several admirals speaking with each other)
Admiral 1: Well, Pearl Harbor is too short for an aerial torpedo attack, we're surrounded by sub nets. Distance is our ally, admiral.
Admiral Husband Kimmel: You analysts got it all figured out, don't you? The smart enemy hits you exactly where you think you're safe.
(The Japanese are shown planning the attack in a giant tub of water)
NC (vo): Yes, the smart enemy plots in giant hot tubs with toy battleships with no markings on them that would identify it as a map.
NC: Not, of course, forgetting Rubber Ducky Godzilla.
(Godzilla is added to the scene with his usual roar as well as people shouting "RUBBER DUCKY GODZILLA!". A man named Minoru Genda speaks with Admiral Yamamoto)
Admiral Yamamoto: ハワイを含める - クラッターはそのようさらに混乱になります。(subtitled) Include Hawaii--the clutter will be more confusing that way.
Minoru Genda: 華麗な、提督。 (subtitled) Brilliant, Admiral.
Yamamoto: 華麗な男は戦争に行くにしない方法を見つけるだろう。(subtitled) A brilliant man would find a way not to go to war.
NC (vo): Actually, I have to admit, I'm kinda shocked. We're about 45 minutes in and there's been no explosions, all character development, even if it's bad development, and even the Asians are shown in non-stereotypical ways. Almost like...Michael Bay was a different guy.
NC: Still a bad director, but a different guy. You almost gotta wonder what was going through his head at the time.
(We're taken back to the past as Christopher Clodd (played by Rob Walker) comes into Peter's office with a newspaper)
Clodd: Peter, did you see the news about Armageddon?
Peter: No, but I've seen the critical feedback. Maybe there wasn't much to this Bay kid as I thought.
Clodd: Actually, according to these recent box office results, it's already made $36 million.
(Peter takes the paper, surprised)
Peter: How can that be? Everyone said it was crap.
Clodd: Yet it still made a spectacular amount of money.
Peter: No film has ever gotten this much hatred and yet earned so much.
Clodd: Maybe this Michael Bay guy is onto something. Maybe he's a wonder kid.
Peter: He's a miracle.
Clodd: Some are even calling him...the Son of Schlock.
(The two look at each other, then get on their knees)
Both: Hail Hosiah! The Chosen One has come!
(We are shown a happy and proud Bay standing in a black background with flashing lights and various review captions that say, "RECORD BREAKING", "TERRIBLE MOVIE MAKES TERRIBLE AMOUNT OF MONEY", "How Does He Do it?", "This Made Money?", "Don't Encourage Him!", "He Just Killed Hollywood", "AMERICA'S LOST ITS SENSES", "This is a Sad Day", "Unbelievable!", "Never Been Done!", "JESUS CHRIST!", and "ONE OF THE WORST FILMS OF ALL TIME IS ONE OF THE HIGHEST GROSSING FILMS OF ALL TIME!". We then see Bay in a room, speaking with his roommates)
Bay: You two have just been the best roommates a man can have.
(His roommates are shown to be a girl named Tina A (Rachel Tietz), who has balloons shoved down her dress and is constantly flipping her hair, and a black guy named Dog Johnson (Malcolm Ray), who is holding a boombox)
Bay: Not only have you been there to help me shoot all my adult films, but you've also been supportive, and...I can't help but feel you've had an impact on the way I view the world.
Dog Johnson: Man, that be dope.
Bay: Tina A, in this rough, brutal world that we live in, you've shown me all that women are capable of.
Tina A: It was a pleasure to serve you, Mr. Bay.
Bay: And, Dog Johnson, you've taught me what it means to keep it real and never conform to the white man's stereotype.
Dog: Bitch, we be keeping it hissy wissy in the pussy, man.
Bay: Indeed. I want you both to know that even though I'm moving away to make bigger and better films, I will one day represent each of you in the way you've had an impact on me.
Dog: So what now, G? You keeping it hoppin' and poppin' up in the hood?
Bay: Oh, Dog, whatever you just said. No. They've finally asked me to make the ultimate romance epic that I've always wanted to make: Pearl Harbor. (Tina is filled with emotion at that statement. Bay picks up his traveling bag) Farewell, my friends.
(He then leaves the room. Tina waves her fingers while Dog flashes a offensive hand gesture)
Dog: That little bitch is gonna be all right.
Tina: He sure is, Dog. (She then starts whipping her hair in his face)
Dog: Whatchu on, bitch?
(We go to a commercial. When we come back from commercial, we are shown Rafe's plane being shot down over the English Channel during a battle, and is presumed to be killed in action)
NC (vo): So Affleck takes a hit by enemy planes and is believed to be dead. Hartnett goes to deliver the bad news.
(Evelyn looks out from her porch and sees Danny getting out of the car. She soon learns the news and the two embrace)
NC (vo): Oh, yeah, I'm sure he's really gone. That's why the advertisements show him in about twenty more scenes that he wasn't in yet.
NC: Hey, while we're at it, (whispering) I get the feeling Aragorn will make it through The Two Towers also. (A clip from The Two Towers, showing Aragorn going over a cliff while snagged on a warg, is shown)
NC (vo): So Hartnett and Beckinsale try to deal with their loss of AFFLECK! (shouted more like Aflac)
(Danny and Evelyn speak with each other)
Evelyn: He volunteered to go to England.
Danny: Volunteered? He told me he'd been assigned. He was always trying to protect me.
NC: Yeah, that is so like him to protect his buddy. God, I feel like you two have shared so much in the...two, maybe three...
(Several scenes of Rafe and Danny together are shown)
NC (vo): ...scenes you had together? You know, the ones that never went over five fucking minutes?
NC: Oh, and speaking of which, did protecting you also include playing chicken with expensive aircrafts?
(The chicken scene from before is shown, as well as the scene of Rafe saying goodbye to Evelyn)
NC (vo): Putting your life and professional career in danger? Well, at least it was worth it to 86 his girlfriend and leave her nether regions colder than a snowman's rectal thermometer.
NC: You know, I gotta admit, from an outsider looking in, I think it's pretty obvious that dear old Affleck is a dear old AFF-HOLE!! How close are those planes again!? (He pulls the graphic, which shows the planes are getting closer)
NC (vo): So, we've had one romance, yes. (Imitates Merry or Pippin from Lord of the Rings) What about second romance?
(At an air base, Danny is working on a plane with a man named Fusco, until Evelyn comes in, wearing a red dress)
Fusco: Hey, you got a visitor.
Danny: I think I'm falling for her.
NC (vo): Three months later, Kate decides to go to the military base...in her finest evening dress...to, uh, not hit on Hartnett, but somehow ends up flying with him with her in his lap anyway. Yeah, I'm sure that was sanctioned.
(NC acts out as a sergeant reading some papers, listening to an offscreen Danny)
NC (vo; as Danny; offscreen): Hey, Sarge, I'm gonna take my girlfriend up into the air with her in my lap even though the seatbelt can't fit around us.
NC: (as Sarge) Okay, just be back by 12. My kids are gonna drive the submarine tomorrow.
NC (vo): So after their joyride, he takes her into one of the hangers to see if his parachute will still deploy.
(The porno music from earlier plays as Danny and Evelyn make love inside various parachute covers. NC's eyes widen as a boing sound is heard. In the background is a parachute deploying. We cut to Captain Thurman participating in a meeting, talking about a possible attack from the Japanese)
NC (vo): But then Dan Aykroyd...yeah, you heard right, Dan Aykroyd...making his biggest appearance since Temple of Doom, alerts of a possible oncoming attack.
Thurman: When I was in the Asiatic Fleet, the locals used to try to get outside of a problem to try to see the inside. A blow to Pearl would devastate the Pacific Fleet's ability to make war.
NC: (as Ray from Ghostbusters) Just like the Symmetrical Book Stacking of the Philadelphia Mass Turbulence of 1947.
NC (vo): Actually, the funny thing is, Aykroyd might be one of the best parts of the movie. I mean, whether you like him as an actor or not, you have to admit, he is the King of Exposition. Anytime he's explaining something, you will always listen.
Thurman: It's like playing chess in the dark. Any rumor, troop movement, ship movement, spine tingle, goosebump, we pay attention to it.
NC (vo): Hell, I could probably take The Dark Knight more seriously if Aykroyd was doing his voice.
(We are shown a scene from The Dark Knight, showing the Joker being hung upside down at the construction site with Batman watching him)
Batman: (with Aykroyd's voice dubbed in from Ghostbusters) As the duly designated representative of the city, I order you to cease any and all supernatural activity and return forthwith to your place of origin, or to the nearest convenient parallel dimension.
(Cut back to the movie, showing Danny and Evelyn relaxing in a car on the beach)
NC (vo): But it's all good, because Team Josh seems to be just as happy as can be with Affleck's leftovers.
Evelyn: Every moment we're not together, you're up there training for war.
Danny: Yeah, well, I'm training for moments like these.
(NC is shown holding a mike, standing next to the backdrop of The Jerry Springer Show with his name on the wall instead of Springer)
NC: (as Jerry Springer) Oh, well, now that's interesting. That's very interesting, because we have somebody backstage who would like to comment on this whole thing. Uh, can we bring him out here, please? Can we bring him out?
(That night, Evelyn is shocked to discover Rafe, alive and well, standing in front of her. A crowd goes "OOOHHH!" and starts chanting Critic's name while he relishes in it)
NC (vo): That's right, Affleck just pops out of nowhere. He was gonna call eventually, but if you haven't noticed, he likes to spring dramatic bullshit at the very last minute.
Rafe: I got picked up by a French fishing boat, and I was in occupied France, I couldn't get word out.
NC (vo): But in the middle of their reunion...
(As Rafe and Evelyn talk, Danny walks in on them)
NC (vo; as Danny): Uh, I was just keeping her warm for you, huh-huh.
(Tchaikovsky's "Romeo and Juliet Overture" comes on as Rafe gets up, realizing that Evelyn and Danny are now together and starting to feel betrayed)
Rafe: Stay away!
(As he walks out, a graphic to the lower right is shown saying "As The Pearl Turns". A disheartened Rafe goes to the Hula bar, where he is welcomed back by his overjoyed fellow pilots, and starts to get drunk as Danny also arrives, trying to make things right)
NC (vo): So, fuck trying to fix this problem. Let's go get hammered. And while we're at it, let's throw some dick remarks at the people you thought you were helping but you were really just being a cock horse to.
Rafe: Y'all know Danny wasn't even good enough to look after my girl for me while I was gone. (He puts down his fourth shot while one more's left to be taken)
Danny: We thought you were dead, Rafe!
Rafe: Life is good, ain't it, then?
Danny: You left her to fight somebody else's war.
(Rafe then punches Danny out)
NC (vo): Yeah, he's only been back for 10 minutes and already I hate him.
(After Rafe sobers up, he and Danny drive out a distance to talk it out)
Danny: When you were gone, it's the loneliest I've ever been. Same for her, too. If you hadn't gone, none of this would've happened.
Rafe: So it was my fault, I guess.
NC: Oh, I don't know. You volunteered, you left her behind, you tried to control his life. (A magic 8-ball appears to the left of NC) Let's see what the Magic 8-Ball has to say. (He shakes the ball and it says "DICK") Can't argue with that.
Danny: Things could be right between me and you.
Rafe: I just don't see how it could ever be the same.
NC (vo): So, how close are those planes again!?
(Meanwhile, on the Japanese side, they're writing letters to their loved ones)
Japanese pilot: I go now to fulfill my mission and my destiny. I hope it is a destiny that will bring honor to our family.
NC (vo): Ooh, might be closer than I thought. They're writing letters to their Japanese relatives in English.
NC: To...throw the enemy off?
(Japanese Zeros take off from their carriers)
NC (vo): So, just a mere hour and a half in, we finally get our attack on the Harbor. Rather than just let the terror of the attack speak for itself, let's fly by every poetic symbol of American innocence we can find.
(The planes fly past two boys standing on a grassy hill)
NC (vo; as 10 Japanese pilots; each flying past by the boys): Konnichi wa! (As Japanese Pilot #11) All your base are belong to us!
(The Japanese begin their attack on Pearl Harbor. Red busts into one of the barracks trying to get the words out, but he's stuttering hard)
NC: Okay, who made him our communications officer?
Red: The Japs are here!
(More scenes of the attack on Pearl Harbor are shown, a good portion of the ships on fire and explosions being shown throughout)
NC (vo): And where are those dashing heroes of ours while this terrible event is going on?
(The "Dawn Chorus" plays as it reveals Rafe and Danny are passed out in the car, far away from the attack)
NC: Yeah, I mean, don't let the title of the movie interrupt their love triangle. Let 'em sleep, let 'em figure things out.
NC (vo): Yeah, sort of a big problem with this, isn't it? (Clips of Titanic are shown) I mean, at least with Titanic, whether you like it or not, you see the fictional characters interact with the real-life characters. So when the tragedy happens, you know who they are and can build emotional connections with them.
(Cut back to Pearl Harbor, showing several clips of the whole Pearl Harbor attack sequence, as well as showing some scenes of Rafe and Danny waking up and attempting to drive to the air field to help, and the efforts of Petty Officer Second Class Dorie Miller)
NC (vo): Here, they're in a car away from the base! I mean, okay, a plane fires at them, but we know the ships is where the majority of the attack is gonna take place, and thus, where we're gonna spend most of our time. But, they're never on it. So we never make a connection to any of these people dying, except maybe Cuba Gooding, Jr., who had a quick cameo here and there. And, yeah, don't get me wrong. It sucks seeing this, it sucks seeing people get killed. But why waste an hour and a half never showing who they are? You wasted it on characters who don't exist, you don't care about, and aren't even in the center of the attack. Yeah, great call on that.
(Other scenes of the attack sequence continue to be shown, mostly focusing on the explosions and the visual effects)
NC (vo): But, with that said, I have to admit, the action for the most part is pretty well done. I mean, you can see what's going on, it's intense, and the effects are very impressive. But even Bay couldn't let this pass without some bullshit moments. For example...
(One soldier's shown still in a bath towel and brushing his teeth)
NC (vo): Is this guy brushing his teeth?* Are you shitting me? (Zoom on the toothbrushing soldier) Buddy, fuck the plaque build-up! I really hope the military doesn't teach people that when they hear explosions, run out into fire in a bath towel!
- (What NC does not know is that this was based on the account of an actual man James Bunting who can be seen giving his account at 10:09.)
(We are shown several Japanese ships attacking the hospital, while Evelyn and the nurses struggle to give emergency treatment to hundreds of injured)
NC (vo): Oh, and how about this crap where the planes are shown firing on civilians at a hospital? Even though it was reported that the Japanese never fired on them. Yeah, even when they had a clear shot, they would not fire at the hospital.
NC: Fuck that shit! This is Michael Bay's history. This is Randall Wallace's writing. We have to...
NC (vo): ...put Kate Beckinsale in danger from those evil Japs, who have to fire on hospitals and kill one of those giggling idiots that you barely knew. (A scene of the aftermath of the attack, showing Evelyn discovering Nurse Sandra was one of the causalities of the attack, is shown) Oh, yeah, I'll miss whatever the hell her name was. Oh, and listen to this.
(Sailors are clutching for dear life on the rails as the ship they're on is capsizing into the water)
Sailor: I can't swim!
NC: Wait a fuck. You're telling me that a man, a soldier, a sailor, in the Navy, on a battle cruiser, can't...swim? Okay. Okay, Michael Bay. Okay, Michael "America Fuck Yeah" Michael Bay! "I'd do anything for fucking America! I'd jerk it off until it splooges everywhere!" You are making our military look like undisciplined asses! I mean, lemme get this straight.
(Several earlier scenes from the movie are shown again as NC speaks)
NC (vo): They take women up in their planes for joyrides, use cheat sheets to pass their eye exams...which still doesn't make any fucking sense, by the way...pull off dangerous ego stroking stunts, and yet, somehow, that gets them promoted, continue to brush their teeth even when they're under attack. By the way, he still has it. (An arrow's shown pointing at the toothbrush) Look, he still fucking has it. Don't go protecting another soldier or anything. You hold onto that toothbrush, Private! And on top of that, you make the accusation that there are soldiers in the military who can't swim!*
- Add one to the NC fuck-ups: This was a surprise attack. Furthermore, knowing how to swim wasn't a requirement for enlistment at the time the movie was set. It's mentioned in his later editorial, Is It Right to Nitpick?.
(NC's just about boiling mad and is about to get out of character)
NC: You know...dick. 'Cause that's what you are, a fucking dick. When you show this image of the American flag destroyed...
(Such an image is shown)
NC (vo): ...you're not just showing your dollar store symbolism that says "ooh, America's hurt."
NC: But, it's very clear that what is important to you is not how you view America. What is important to you is how others see you viewing America. So, you can make up whatever you want. You can fabricate things. You can lie about history.
(The hospital attack is shown)
NC (vo): You can exaggerate, you can glorify, you can demonize, you can distort the facts.
NC: You can make up the truth. Make up the truth about people who lost their lives in this great tragedy. Why? Because you're doing it in the name that you fucking love America. (Now in full-on serious mode) I'm sorry! I-I-I don't fuck around with this shit! I don't, okay? These are people who have lost their lives, people who have been drafted, people who volunteered, people putting their asses on the line, and many of them don't come back! You're taking it upon yourself to show that! And, I-I know what you're thinking, yeah, you're thinking, "Well, I'll just make up people, because they weren't really there, so I can do whatever I want with them, I can make shit up." And granted, you don't deserve the responsibility to show real events. You don't live in the real world! But what happens is that when you take it and base it on a real event, and you have to show these real people, you have to get it right, Michael Bay! You have to get it right! Because this, this isn't Transformers, okay? That's kid's shit, you can do whatever you want. It's not The Rock! It's not Sean Connery saying "winners fuck the prom queen!" No, it's fucking Pearl Harbor! Reality! It actually happened! And I know you're thinking, "Well, it's Hollywood, we take liberties." Fuck you, it's not Hollywood! When you take it upon yourself to represent something that really happened and is still painful and hurts a lot of people, that means you have to do two things. One, you have to grow up and be an adult! Two, you have to actually represent these people as best as humanly possible, YOU SON OF A BIIIIIIIIITCH!!!!!! (He takes some time to calm down from that throat-peeling scream) I...can't be the only one who sees this. And thank God...I wasn't.
(Back to the past. Clodd is loosening his collar while Peter is on two phones, quite embarrassed about the movie)
Peter: Don't look at me! I didn't pick the guy! (Hangs up one phone) I know the movie bombed! All I did was throw money at it! I didn't choose the director! (Hangs up the other phone)
Clodd: But, Peter, I was here in the room when you hired him.
Peter: I told you, I never heard of the guy! I never heard of Michael Bay! (Shoos Clodd out of the office) Now get out of here! Go! Go! Get out of here! (He breaks down crying and drops to the floor) Why, Schlock? Why have you forsaken me?
(He cries some more as Clodd walks in)
Clodd: Your secretary wishes it to be known that there's an offer for free hugs.
Peter: Send her in.
Peter: Never mind.
(Meanwhile, we see Bay in the black background again, this time becoming increasingly shocked and downhearted by all the negative press. Captions are shown saying "BOMB!", "FLOP!", "Failure!", "AWFUL!", "SUCKS!", and "TERRIBLE", while all sorts of negative voices are heard)
Male voice: What kind of sadistic man is this? Making this pile of crap up.
Female voice: That was the worst thing I've ever seen in my life. Oh, my God.
Male voice: I can't believe they put forth something like this.
Female voice: I will never go see another movie for the rest of my life.
Male voice: Who ever heard of this guy? It's just gonna make me vomit all over the place.
Female voice: He should just kill himself! Kill himself!
(A sad Bay is now shown back with his roommates. Tina is feeling his face)
Tina: So what went wrong, Mr. Bay?
Bay: I don't know. This was supposed to be my big, epic masterpiece, but, not only do all the critics hate it, but audiences hate it, too.
Dog: That's real tough brittle skittle. That is really tough.
Bay: All the world hates me, and now, I have to carry my burden.
(Bay holds his hand up and Tina stops feeling his face. He then stands up and picks up a large bag)
Tina: What's that?
Bay: All the Pearl Harbor DVDs. They suspected that nobody would ever buy one, so they gave them all to me. (Looks at Dog and Tina) Would you guys like one?
(The roommates look away at the offer, as if to say, "keep it away from me." Bay sighs, dejected)
Bay: Then I must leave you. Goodbye.
(With that, Bay leaves the room, as Tina and Dog watch, He begins climbing up the stairs, acting as if the weight of the DVDs is too much for him to take. Tina goes to try and help, but Dog stops her. He lays on the stairs, as if he were crucified)
Dog: Truly... this man was the son of Schlock.
(Back to the movie, showing President Theodore Roosevelt speaking with the US Congress to declare war on Japan)
NC (vo): So President Roosevelt and his rubber double chin plan to fight back and finally enter into war.
Roosevelt: I'm talking about hitting the heart of Japan the way they hit us!
General: What you're asking can't be done.
(Roosevelt moves his chair back, then proceeds to try and stand up on his own feet)
NC (vo): Oh, no, he didn't! Oh, no, he--no, no, he can't--oh, you stop right there, you stop right there, Roosevelt! No, you stop! You stop--no, no, no, no, no! No, you can't! Oh, you can, Roosevelt! Oh, my God, he's doing it! He's doing it! Oh, I'm Fucking Delano Roosevelt, biatch!
Roosevelt: Do not tell me it can't be done.
NC: That is so damn clichéd, but you know what? It's FDR! I'll give it a pass. That is one of the most incredible motherfuckers who ever lived, I...I'm surprised his wheelchair didn't turn into a Transformer.
(We are shown a Photoshopped image of FDR in a Transformer-like tank of a wheel chair with explosions in the background)
NC (vo): Fire consumes the Cabinet and his theme song plays him off.
(Rock music is heard as a rock singer is heard singing "Franklin Delano Roosevelt!" The word "Bitches" is added on as a word bubble)
NC: It's the one time I wanna see Michael Bay go more over-the-top, I'm not gonna lie.
(We see Rafe meet up with Evelyn after the attack)
Evelyn: I, uh, can't find Danny.
Rafe: Then why are you here?
NC (vo): Oh, crap, I forgot about this horseshit. (Speaks in a sad tone) And there's no more Japanese bomber planes to save me now!
Rafe: Well, you don't have to explain anything to me.
Evelyn: I do. Because you're acting that I didn't love you.
Rafe: Evelyn, loving you kept me alive.
NC: (as Rafe) It just...didn't keep me from leaving you.
NC (vo): But it turns out Kate has an even bigger secret.
Evelyn: Rafe, I'm pregnant.
(A clip from Fargo is shown, showing a man in a wheelchair raising his head in surprise. Meanwhile, Rafe is stunned by the news)
Evelyn: I haven't told Danny. I don't want him to know. All he needs to think about is how to do this mission and get back alive.
NC (vo): Yes, as any soldier will tell you, a loving woman by your side and a child on the way wouldn't be a good motivator at all.
NC: You should offer ice cream. Ice cream.
(Rafe and Danny are assigned to travel stateside under Major Doolittle for a secret mission, and upon their arrival in California, they are are both promoted to captain and awarded the silver star for their earlier attack efforts during the attack)
NC (vo): So once again, Affleck and Hartnett are assigned together. (singsong) Awkward! (normal) And once again, Dolittle tries to see if he can talk with the animals.
Dolittle: I need you for a mission I've been ordered to put together. You know what "top secret" is?
NC: (as Dolittle) It's not quite as complicated as your million dollar French words, but I think you can deduce what it means.
NC (vo): And if it doesn't seem pretty ridiculous asking grown men what words that even a five-year old would recognize mean, how about asking grown men to listen to a speech that even a five-year old would write? Oh, and I mean it. Every overused clichéd phrase ever used in a speech is used in this dialogue. Like, "this is a dangerous mission."
(Dolittle is addressing the troops)
Dolittle: The mission I'm asking you to volunteer for is exceptionally dangerous.
NC (vo): "Look to the man next to you. He'll be dead."
Dolittle: Take a look at the man beside you. You, or he, will be dead.
NC (vo): "Victory belongs to those who believe in it the most."
Dolittle: Victory belongs to those that believe in it the most.
(A picture of Native Americans are shown)
NC (vo): I think these people might disagree, but screw it. And let's end with the most clichéd of all, I shit you not, "Those who are brave enough, step forward."
Dolittle: Everyone brave enough to accept this, step forward.
(And everyone steps forward)
NC (in a squeaky voice, raising hand): Uh, do we honestly have a choice if we've been drafted?
Offscreen voice: No!
NC (same): Okay!
(The soldiers then do that slow-motion walk only Michael Bay knows how to shoot as planes fly overhead. Rafe, Danny and their men embark on their mission to strike back against Japan, participating in a successful bombing run on Tokyo)
NC (vo): Look at those brave American men who can do no wrong. Watch as they kill innocent civilians on their dangerous raid...oh, wait, we're not gonna show the part that really happened? Okay. Well, in that case, why don't we show you the part that didn't happen? (We are shown the earlier action scene of the Japanese planes opening fire on the hospital) When those evil Japanese fired on our civilians at the hospital.
NC: It's true. History's written by the winners. Or...people so secure about how good their country is that they have to constantly edit it to remind you how good it is.
(Rafe and Danny's plane crashes somewhere in the countryside, where they are once again attacked by Japanese patrols.)
NC (vo): But after their raid, they crash land in China, where Japanese armies are waiting. This makes Affleck's gun growl. No, really, it growls.
(Rafe points his gun at the soldiers as a growling noise is heard. He then fires at the soldiers. In the ensuing shootout, Danny is shot several times, though Rafe and his men kill the Japanese soldiers)
NC (vo): And Hartnett is shot in the crossfire.
(Rafe is holding Danny's body)
Rafe: Danny, you can't die. You can't die. You know why? 'Cause you're gonna be a father. You're gonna be a daddy. I wasn't supposed to tell you.
NC (vo; as Danny): Oh, I wish you'd told me. It would've been a great motivator not to be shot.
(Danny dies in Rafe's arms, though not before saying that Rafe will have to be the father)
Rafe: (in tears) Danny, please! Please! Please! God!
(We're then treated to a clip from Tropic Thunder where Kirk Lazarus as Lincoln Osiris is crying over Tugg Speedman as "Four Leaf" Tayback and his blown apart hands. As NC speaks, we are shown the film's final scenes of Rafe and the remaining pilots being rescued by the Chinese, and Rafe and Evelyn quietly mourn over Danny. A few years later after the war ends, Rafe and Evelyn, now married, visit Danny's grave with Danny's and Evelyn's son, also named Danny)
NC (vo): So Hartnett kicks the bucket, the Chinese come to rescue them, Affleck tells the news to Kate, who...takes it pretty well. I guess her whole role in this movie is just to be told men are dead. And they have their child offscreen.
(Rafe goes over to the young boy)
Rafe: Hey, Danny, how'd you like to go flying?
NC (vo; as Rafe): Yeah, enough of your dead daddy. There's a plane we can fly! Oooh!
(The final shot of the film shows Rafe and Danny, Jr. flying in the biplane, the boy having goggles on, before ending and rolling the credits)
NC (vo): And it...doesn't really even end on that big of a note. I guess the film knew that most of the audience had to pee or already walked out, so they just sort of slapped the credits over it.
NC: And that was...a terrible movie.
(Clips of the movie play as the closing summary is given)
NC (vo): You know those crappy after-school specials that want to talk to you about drugs but clearly have no idea what they're talking about? That's sort of like Michael Bay and history. If you wanna tell a horrible love story, fine, but leave our dead soldiers out of it. Because in the end, it doesn't work as good fiction, and it doesn't work as good history. And honestly, it's just strange that Michael Bay would even try it. I mean, clearly his niche is box office crap, not historical drama.
NC: I mean, that's his calling. It's always been his calling. I wonder when he realized that.
(Back to the story of Michael Bay. Bay is slumped in a corner with a bottle of Jameson in his hand and his phone on his stomach. The phone rings, which wakes him up as he answers it)
(It's Dog and Tina)
Dog: Bay, where ya been, man? We've been worried sick about you!
Tina: Tell him I have big boobs.
Dog: Tina said she has big boobs. (confused) Why are you...?
Bay: Forget it, guys. The crowd has spoken. Nobody wants to see what I'm best at.
Dog: Bitch, that's cracker talk. Maybe the thing you're best at isn't romances or representing history, or any sort of reality for that matter.
Bay: What are you talking about?
Dog: The Bay I know didn't give a shit about emotions, or character, or anything like that. The Bay I know pleased the lowest common denominator and went all the way with it. It's like when we did porn. We just gave the people what they want.
(Suddenly, Bay perks up)
Bay: Wait a minute, what'd you say?
Dog: It's like when we did porn. Remember?
Bay: I do. Thank you, Dog. You've inspired me once again. (He hangs up. The phone rings and he quickly answers it) Hello?
Peter: Okay, I'm gonna take a risk on you one more time.
Bay: Good, 'cause I have a new way to change Hollywood.
(Bay speeds off like a bullet, then appears in Peter's office)
Bay: How would you like to get every perverted manchild in the world to see your movie?
Peter: That's every producer's dream. (Hangs up the phone since Bay's in the room)
Bay: Well, I think I've figured out a way to make it happen.
Bay: (puts his hand on Peter's shoulder) Make it all porn.
Peter: You mean like...big-breasted women everywhere?
Bay: No! Well, yes, but go beyond that. Make everything that you shoot in a movie like it's a woman taking her clothes off.
Peter: I don't follow.
Bay: That chair over there. (A shot of a chair near the door is shown) I can shoot it like it's porn. With low angle shots, slo-mos, zoom-ins, I can make it look absolutely erotic. Any time you see an explosion, shoot it like it's porn. Any time you see an American flag waving, shoot it like it's porn. I bet I can even make the sunset look like it's porn! (A sunset is shown outside) And lo, I shall call it...pornomatography.
Peter: We shoot everything like it's porn without actually showing porn. We can sell it to the 13-year old demographic!
Peter: But how about how it ties into the story? It doesn't make any logical sense!
Bay: The world doesn't make any logical sense! The only thing constant...is porn! It must be this way! Oh, and one more thing. I require my own crew this time.
(Peter takes off his shades and nods. Tina and Dog are later looking over Bay's scripts and ideas)
Tina: Mr. Bay, don't you think this much sepia tone will hurt people's eyes?
Bay: Porn it.
Dog: Mr. Bay, do you really think we can throw in this many explosions?
Bay: Porn it.
Tina: But it goes on forever!
Bay: Porn it.
Dog: There's just too much damn slo-mo in it!
Bay: Porn it.
Tina: But the people won't watch!
Bay: Porn it!
Dog: He's a madman! A madman!
Bay: POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORNN IIIIIIIIIT!!
(With an explosion, as the "Hallelujah Chorus" plays, we are shown three more captions in a black background, including "BAD BOYS II BIG HIT", "TRANSFORMERS BREAKS MOVIE RECORDS!", and "TRANSFORMERS 3 HATED BY ALL, YET VIEWED BY ALL". Clodd and Peter are shown reading the news on a newspaper and are quite pleased)
Clodd: Do you realize what this means?
Both: He has risen!
(Bay is now standing before a cloudy background, holding his arms out like Jesus)
Bay: And behold, the Second Coming of Crap. Give not into character. Give not into story. For that leads to art. Give instead unto porn, for porn is everlasting and shall never diminish from the Earth. And always remember, if you're gonna suck, suck all the way.
(Back to NC)
NC: But I can speculate. I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to.
(He gets up out of his chair and leaves. The credits roll)
Channel Awesome Tagline: Rafe: They call it an homage, sir.
Dolittle: A what?