And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "Paranormal Activity 2."
OH MY GOD, this is the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life!
(Jumps up) Boo! Spoilers.
There's this movie called "Paranormal Activity."
It was about a woman who gets possessed by a demon!
Now there's a sequel!
And it's about the woman's sister's family before all this happened! *pauses*
Wouldn't that technically make it a prequel?
Why would they call it "2" if it happens before "1"?!
Shouldn't it be like negative point five? ...And a half?
Oh well. Who cares? It's scary!
Much like the first film, this movie concentrates on scary things that you don't see. *long pause* ...Welcome to my world!
I keep seeing scary things all around me and nobody ever sees them!
For example, I always see this guy named Captain Howdy and nobody else does!
(looks off-camera) Isn't that right, Captain Howdy?
(scary, whispering voice) I will punish yoouuu...
So this family sets up security cameras all around the house.
Because somebody broke into their house and messed up everything!
But they didn't steal anything.
What a stupid criminal!
What he do, just break into a person's place and have a crazy acid trip while he was in there?!
Who in the heck's ever gone through that? *Raises hand and slaps it down with the other*
So the security cameras capture all these weird things that are happening at night.
Like doors opening and closing; strange, spooky shadows, and strange things moving around.
OH MY GOD, it's Casper!
I told them they shouldn't have made so many direct-to-video sequels! It'll only make him angrier!
Dah! *falls down*
So the father is like, *wags finger* "There's nothing going on here."
And the mother is like, *shifty eyes* "There's nothing going on here."
And the sister is like, *points and shakes finger* "There's nothing going on here!"
The only ones who know something is wrong is the Mexican nanny, the baby boy, and the dog.
So, all the not grown up white people!
How come grown up white people never know what's going on in scary movies?
(As little kid) There's a ghost in here!
(As grown-up) No there isn't.
(As ghost) Boo!
(As grown-up, poops in his pants)
So they have a family that one of their family members from a long, long time ago made a pact with a demon.
And she offered up the first male son to be born!
Why do they always want the first-born son?
Do they lay golden eggs or something?
I laid golden eggs once!
Wait, no. That was poop.
Either way, it tasted great!
So the demon wants to possess one of the people in the house, and so they go after the mother.
And so, the demon drags her into the closet and takes control of her mind!
(Posing and saying seductively) Are you the Keymaster?
Are you high?
(Holds neck as if being bitten) Ow! Ow! Ow!
This looks like a job for Mexican Supernanny!
(Holds out fist and moves across the screen to Mexican fiesta tune: "Yadadadadadadadadada!")
So the father is like, "I think the demon wants our baby boy! What should we do?!"
And Supernanny's like, "You have to pass on the demon to someone blood-related!"
"Oh, that's easy! I'll just hand it to her sister! That'll solve all our problems! Hey honey, can I have the demon?" *Holds out hand*
"...Okay." *Acts as though passing it to him*
"Thank you. *turns around* Happy birthday, my wife's sister!"
(He walks away and demonic sounds are heard. He quickly walks back across the screen and attacks the man: "Ouch! Ow! Owwwhoowww!" A baby is then heard and he walks back across the screen, acting as if carrying it.)
And now the demon has the little boy, and he can lay all the golden eggs he wants!
What a happy ending!
Oh, wait, that was the scariest thing I've ever seen in my life!
And the moral of the story is the next time an evil demon tries to make you an evil offer, just say, "I want my lawyer to look at it first."
(As demon) Dammit! Curse the legal system! Oh, wait, I already have.
(mimics drumming) Ba-dum-boom!
This is Chester A. Bum saying CHANGE?! Ya got change?! Aw c'mon, help a guy out, will ya?! C'mon, change!
C'mon, I'll give you my first-born son! But not the second one. I promised him to my barber.