And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "Paranormal Activity."
OH MY GOD, this was the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life!
There's this man and woman who live in a house.
A house that is haunted!
But the man is like, "It's okay. I'll scare 'em away with a video camera!"
I scared a ghost away with a video camera once!
Casper's a real bunghole.
So they call a psychic over to see if he can talk with the ghost.
And the psychic is like, "Hello? *listens* Mwahahahahaha! *stops listening* Ooh, that's not good. Your house is infected with demons!"
"This looks like a job for......someone else." *Goes to leave*
"Nahhh, just kidding. Here's the number of a guy you can call, but will never show up in the movie."
"Oh, okay. Thank you."
So the demon likes to do terrible things.
Like move the bedsheets, make tap-dancing sounds, and force a woman to stare at her husband for hours! *stares*
So the husband decides to leave sugar on the ground to see if they can find any footsteps.
And in the middle of the night footsteps with three toes appear.
OH MY GOD! ...They're infested by the Ninja Turtles!
They've come to eat all their pizza, do some skateboarding, and possess the world of the living!
Gotta love being a demon!
So the husband gets a Ouija board to try to communicate with the Ninja Turtle demons.
And the wife is like, "No, honey! Ouija boards are evil!"
She's right! I've seen Parker Brothers put 20% of evil in every single board that they make!
I think they put evil in Mousetrap too.
I could never set that thing up.
So the Ouija board starts moving by itself.
And then it catches fire!
My Ouija board caught fire once!
But I think that was because I was trying to smoke it.
It was very woody.
So finally, the woman is like, "I don't wanna leave. I want to stay here."
(Smiles evilly and quickly shifts eyes as *ding* sound is heard)
But then the woman goes downstairs and she's like, *offscreen* "Honey, will you come and help me?"
And the husband's like, "Sure, sweetie. Anything you say-- Waahhh!" *Quickly flies backwards and crashes*
So the woman has been taken over by the demon.
And she's like, "Ooh, a camera! That looks yummy!" *Tries to eat camera lense, cut to black with "gulp" sound*
So "Paranormal Activity" was reaaalllyyy scary.
It was like a mix between "The Blair Witch Project" and "Wife Swap."
Have you seen half the people on that show?! They're scary as hell!
I was on Wife Swipe once!
I was the poodle.
This is Chester A. Bum saying CHANGE?! Ya got change?! Aw c'mon, help a guy out, will ya?! C'mon, change!
C'mon, I'll pay for a camera that can hold still! What, do ghosts only appear when there's no tripods around?